Chapter 12: Emotions are Hard
Ciri awoke when it was still dark, and after a long time tossing and turning. She was unable to return to sleep while thinking about her grandparents, her long-gone parents, her friends turned sour, Dara, Mousesack, and everyone else she'd lost. Sighing at being unable to sleep, she decided to go outside for some air, and slid into one of the dresses that Geralt had gotten her. Opting to leave her cloak, she quietly tiptoed out of her room.
Much to her disgust, loud moans came from Geralt's room, belonging to both him and Yennefer. The sound of slapping skin met her ears, and she cringed away, turning to move down the hall as she wrinkled her nose. There was a small door that led outdoors beside the main entrance, and quietly as possible, she opened it and moved into the fresh, salty sea air.
Closing her eyes, she tipped her head back as a gentle breeze kissed her skin. Moving down the rocky pathway, Ciri moved towards the horse pen, where the four horses and one pony stood grazing together in the moonlight. The sun was below the horizon, but way off at the edge of the sea, Ciri could see a slight orange glow, indicating the coming sunrise in the next couple hours.
Aspen moved up to the gate, greeting her as Ciri leaned over the railing to pet her beautiful mare. "Hi girl," Ciri cooed softly. "You won't leave me, will you?"
The bay mare blew out of her nostrils, eyes bright as she looked at Ciri. "Would you like to go for a ride?"
Grinning, Ciri slipped a bridle on Aspen and used the fence to hop on her bareback. She used to ride bareback when she was a kid all the time, much to her grandmother's chagrin. There was nothing like feeling the warmth of your horse, their body expand and compress with every breath, and the feeling of connection with them as you ride without the boundaries of a saddle.
Guiding Aspen towards the beach, they rode through the sand at a relaxed walk on a loose rein. Ciri smiled to herself, gently petting the mare's thick neck as they stepped into the water. The soft waves passed over Aspen's hooves, the sound soothing as they moved on, no destination in mind. As the time passed, the castle became a small building in the background, and the sun began to appear on the horizon.
Ciri brought Aspen to a halt, as she turned and watched the sun rise. It casted beautiful orange, pink and purple hues across the sky, hitting the few small clouds in a spectral of colors. Never had she seen a sunrise like this one. Moving Aspen a little deeper into the water, Ciri urged her up to a canter, her body rocking in time with the horse's long strides. Her blonde hair whipped back up behind her as they ran through the water, sending up a rain-like spray behind them.
Tossing her head back, Ciri smiled as she felt free and in control for the first time in probably her whole life. The rush and freedom was intoxicating, as she urged Aspen to move faster. Eager to run, the horse obliged and spread her stride wide, covering a large amount of ground between each leap. Her horse's breath struck with every stride, and Ciri's followed suit as they ran as one.
By the time Ciri pulled Aspen to a walk, they were on the opposite end of the island, with the castle unable to be seen when looking back. Moving over to a small patch of grass, Ciri released Aspen to allow her to graze. She took off her shoes and tied up her dress over her knees before moving to walk through the soft sand and into the shallows of the salty water. She stood there for a while, looking out at the endless sea as the waves licked at her ankles, the cool water raising goosebumps along her skin. She'd never seen the ocean before, and it was truly a wonderful sight.
The sun finally was in the sky, brightening the day and warming up the island. As she took a moment to appreciate that she was alive to witness such a beautiful scene, a loud voice shouted, interrupting her thought. "Princess! Princess Ciri!" Jaskier's voice called to her from a far. Looking in the direction of his voice, she saw him riding beast, galloping towards her. "There you are, for the love of god you had us all terrified this morning when you vanished."
"I'm surprised Geralt even noticed," Ciri responded, unable to keep the sourness out of her voice as she crossed her arms. Jaskier pulled Beast to a halt right beside her, looking at her with a saddened expression.
A loud sigh came from the Bard, as he leaned forward on Beast's neck to look at her. "You honestly can't expect much from Geralt, my dear princess. He is dim-witted and thinks very little about how his actions effect those around him. It's not uncommon knowledge that Witcher's don't really have emotions."
Ciri turned to look at him, her brows raised. "He can't feel anything?"
"Well, he can… but Witcher's are trained to push their feelings down so far, that they basically can't feel anything."
"Sounds lovely," Ciri snapped, wishing she didn't have to feel the millions of emotions that she's been feeling for the last couple of months.
Jaskier frowned at her, and for some reason, Ciri thought the expression looked really foreign on his face. Rarely was the man ever serious, and it seemed odd. "You should never envy Geralt for that. Emotions are wonderful, even though there are the bad ones, could you imagine never feeling happy? Or joy? Or love? It would be such a dark and gloomy existence. What's the point on even living if you can't feel those things, even just once in a while?"
Ciri thought about this for a moment before she nodded. "He's been different ever since we got here… he hardly even looks at me."
Jaskier sighed. Geralt was hung up over Yennefer hard, but the bard knew that the Witcher and mage were not meant to be. The Witcher had a strong pull to the lion cub of Cintra, but of course she was still a child. He just hoped that Geralt didn't alienate the princess in his attempts to avoid her and deny his destiny. He couldn't explain any of this to the girl, for she was still too young, so he just shrugged. "Geralt and the mage have a past, and he hasn't seen her for a while. They're just catching up, I'm sure he'll be back to normal in no time," Jaskier lied.
"I hope so," Ciri said, as she grabbed Aspen's bridle and slid it onto her mare. Using a large rock, Ciri swung up onto Aspen. Faking that she felt better, she smiled at Jaskier. "Race you back?"
"Loser has to brush the horses," Jaskier winked, before urging Beast back up to a gallop.
Ciri followed suit with Aspen, who quickly caught up to the plucky pony and passed him with her long, graceful strides. "No fair!" Jaskier cried out from behind her.
"Don't be a sore loser Jaskier!" Ciri called back as she pushed her mare on back in the direction of the castle.
They arrived way too fast, in Ciri's opinion, as she reined in her sweaty and panting mare outside the castle's horse pen. Jaskier was a few minutes behind her, and his poor pony looked ready to collapse by the time he pulled up next to her. Passing her reins to the pouting bard, she thanked him in advance for grooming Aspen, as she gave her mare a goodbye rub before heading back into the castle.
She hoped that Geralt was not waiting for her, but of course, that was not the case. As soon as she walked into the large castle, she was met by a very angry-looking Witcher. "What were you thinking?" he snapped at her, voice hard and cold.
Ciri instantly recoiled back from him, her back hitting the door. "I couldn't sleep… I just went for a ride," she managed to whisper out, her blue eyes wide.
"You're being hunted, by people who would do worse things than kill you. Are you trying to get caught? You would carelessly throw away your grandparents and city's sacrifice, by risking being captured?" his words stung her, like a knife slowly being driven into her heart with every word. She couldn't hold back the tears that came, as she shook life a leaf. Ciri was angry at his words.
"How dare you? Where were you when our city was being burned?" Ciri's voice started out quiet, slowly gaining in volume as she continued. "You knew I was bound to you, I know that you knew! Yet you forsaken me and my grandparents, and left us to be murdered. I saw our women being raped, I saw children being ripped apart, I saw men having their insides pulled out while they were alive. I know what they would do to me, many have tried already. So where were you? Bound to me, to protect me, and he leaves me to die?"
By the time Ciri was done, Geralt was looking at her in both anger and shock, while her body trembled even harder. Exhaustion hit her hard, having finally gotten some of that off her chests. Moving past him, she went back to her room, while the Witcher stayed where he was, making no move to follow the broken-hearted girl.