Together

by B. L. Lindley-Anderson

I can't forget it. Some nights when I close my eyes…that's all I can see. The sight of Daven with a deep gash in his arm, blood flowing from it. Another memory…my padawan after he had climbed back up that lift cable. Both arms bandaged…but blood oozing from under the red soaked cloth. He told me that it was only a scratch…only a scratch. He lied to me. I do not fault him. Lying to a master is a serious offense…yet I never acted. No one knows but he and I…no one will ever know. If it hadn't been for me…for my carelessness, he would never have been forced into that position. Daven had to take care of me. He didn't want to upset me in my weakened condition. I didn't know the true state of his injuries until later. Not when he came back up the lift cable…not even then. Not until I awoke in the hospital. That's how long he kept it from me. But it's my fault…mine alone. I can not blame my padawan. He only did what he felt was right. Isn't that what I've been trying to teach him? Follow your feelings. That's what he did…so he bears no blame.

If I hadn't been so cocky sure of myself none of it would have happened. I was certain that Yalla had no idea that we were really Jedi. As we sat in his office, I was congratulating myself on how I had fooled him…. I was the fool. And if I alone had paid the price, that would be all right. I made the mistake I should pay. But Daven had to pay also…and it was not his fault. He had to suffer for my mistake. It's not enough that he had to be injured…that hurt me as well. He also had to take care of his helpless…and foolish master. If at least he could have gotten out of there sooner…. He would not have been injured at all if he hadn't had to see to me.

Even my attempt to keep him from getting hurt was clumsy. Yes, at least I did keep him from being sliced by that despicable flying blade…but I couldn't get myself out of the way. And that was the beginning. That blade cut me so deep…I was bleeding so badly…I couldn't even keep a link with the Force long enough to stop the bleeding. As I weakened, my apprentice expended himself to stop the flow. Then he had to tend me…and that's what led to his injuries. Looking for a safe place for me to stay, finding water for me. That's when he sustained his hurts. Because of me.

I suppose it's true what they say about me at the temple. Oh Jareel…I suppose he's capable, but…those jokes of his. It is a bit much. Not serious enough. Could stand a little more discipline. Even Master Yoda tried time and again to get me to see the error of my ways. Still…I was always so sure of myself. Thinking I knew better than Master Yoda…. A little humor won't hurt I always told everyone. A little laugh is good for you. Who's laughing now Jareel? I don't hear anyone laughing…maybe at you…but not with you.

If I had been more serious…would I have been more careful? If I had been more careful…would I have gotten hurt? If I had been more mindful, Daven would not have gotten hurt. That I do know. And that I can remedy. I can not change what has passed…would that I could! But I can not. However, I can make sure that the future is different. I will be different. I will be more serious…more focused. I will be a changed Jedi. Next time if Daven is in danger, I am determined that it will not be because of my carelessness or foolishness. No…that can not be allowed to happen again.

I must work harder…not just on my focusing, but also physically. Everything about me must be sharper, more in tune with the Force. Then I can be more certain of myself because I will know the leading of the Force more certainly. If I had been a little stronger, could I have climbed that lift cable? Yes, I realize I was injured…seriously, when I tried. Still…a little more strength and I could have held on. I know I could have.

But…I was not able to. Thus began the second part of my suffering…and Daven's. Poor Daven. He had to take care of me again…see me to the hospital. How long must he have sat in that hospital before he finally took a break? Probably not until Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Mi'al came. Injured, exhausted, dirty…hungry? Did he even bother to eat while he waited on his opportunities to come and look over his broken master? I could feel what he felt. Guilt…he felt guilt! How could he feel that for something I did to myself? My dear apprentice blaming himself for not being able to get me out of that building…so that I took a chance…and fell…. Also, lying there in that bed, I felt his pain. Daven wasn't even taking care of himself…because he was so distracted…by me! I was being cared for at the hospital. Yet, he was still so concerned about me that he wasn't seeing to his own needs.

Ah…Daven. Dear Daven. And I totally unable to comfort him. I couldn't even comfort myself…what could I do for him? And so…I shut him out instead. I thought it better than letting him share the guilt, the pain, the shame I felt. So consumed I was by my own misery I couldn't see his…with it plain on his face. Selfish. Yet, I'm not sure if I couldn't see it…or refused to. Because I couldn't comfort him…I couldn't face what he was going through. I only felt more guilty that I couldn't help him…and that I had been such a burden.

And so, I wallowed in my self-pity. Disgusting emotion it is. Focuses one only on oneself. Blinds one to everything and everyone else. I couldn't see how much Daven wanted to connect with me…to just talk with me…. In his moment of need…I turned my back on him…and I couldn't even see it! It took Mi'al to get me to see. Something…that is, someone I should have known almost as well as I know myself…I couldn't see. It took another to point out what I should have known at once.

Another thing I'll never forget…when Daven asked me if I was angry with him. Can you imagine! Thinking I was angry with him. But it's my own fault. That too is my fault. How it hurt to hear him say that. Oh how I would have liked to take him and pull him close to tell him how proud I have always been of him. How brave he was in that damnable building. And I couldn't move enough to even take his hand. I had to wait for him to come to me. Thank goodness he came! If he had not…I don't know what I would have said or done.

But he did…. I remember so well. My mind raced with confusion as I tried to explain to him what was happening in me. I could not. But one thing I could do…tell him I was not angry with him. That it was not him at all. And I finally…finally did tell him that. Finally…I pulled myself out of my pit of pity and told him that. And that's when I felt the warmth of his hand against mine. What I had wanted…and didn't realize. I couldn't think about it. I was too confused…and angry with myself.

My padawan took my hand. He said, " Mi'al said you were…having problems with…how you feel." Then his voice became unsteady as he tried to get the words out. "I want to help…if I can Master. But…I just need to know…that you…want me…to…"

Want him to? Want him? How could he think I didn't want him? Had I shut him so far out of my life that he really thought that? I guess that was the situation…or he would not have said those words…. Ah…Jareel…you foolish, foolish man. The one thing you had through this whole nightmare was an apprentice who stayed close, who stood by you…who cared…and how did you treat him? The final failure.

Hanging onto his hand for dear life…for at that moment beat up and cut up, it seemed that was the only life I had left…my apprentice. Hanging onto his hand, I finally poured myself out to him. "Young one…your old master is having a lot of trouble with this. A lot. I don't understand…many things. But there is one thing I know for certain. I love you like you were my own son Daven. And…I want you by my side…if you can endure all this."

Finally…I told him. What I should have told him long before…and it took something like this to bring it out. I love you Daven…just as a son. I need you to help me through this. Stay by my side. Yes…proud Jareel finally admitted he needed someone.

And I had his answer at once. Could he endure? A single tear caressing his cheek as I longed to do told me. And he told me also. "Master," his trembling voice said, "I will never leave your side."

How long has it been since I cried? Really cried. There have been times when tears welled up in my eyes and I fought to hold them back. After all…I am a Jedi master. I am in control of my feelings. But other times…. When a child in the crèche ran into my arms after a long mission, telling me how much that he had missed me. At the passing of a friend into the Force. When she told me, she didn't love me enough to continue living my life.

This was one of those times. Even after all my mistakes. After all my padawan had suffered because of me. After enduring my silence and self absorbed behavior. After being ignored and shut out…Daven still professed his loyalty to stay with me. Yes…this was one of those times. There was no way I could hold it back after that answer. Even almost unable to wipe my own tears away. Yet, I needn't have worried. So gently Daven reached down and dabbed them away. And I could say no more. Any words I might have wanted to say were stuck in my throat. It didn't matter. I finally opened myself back up to my dear padawan. He knew all I felt. And I knew all he felt.

We had suffered at the hands of that devil together. Together we would recover. I'm not so foolish as to think it's over. I know it has only begun. The gut wrenching feelings still almost overwhelm me at times. I know it's not over. But…but…I…we took a first step together. Yes…we do need each other to get through this. I admit it. I probably could do it alone if I had to. But I don't have to. And I don't want to. Daven needs me…and I need him. We will probably have to fight hard…but we will get through it. We will. I won't fail him again. I can't.

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