After I get outside the door, I slam it for emphasis. It closes with a rough, loud bang. I hear the bang, and it sends me back to normal. The normal heartbroken Riley, who isn't angry with anyone. I slump down, and reflect on this past night. The tears start to flow, and I don't think that they'll ever stop. Maya walks up to me so silently, that I jump when I see her, which only makes the tears flow heavier. She basically picks me up, and helps me walk to the elevator. Sobs rock my cold, shaking body, and I hope they stop soon, but I know that isn't the case. I'm really scared right now. I'm scared that the sorrow will take over my body, and that no one will be able to stop it. I'm scared that because Lucas isn't here, the sorrow will drain all the life from me, and even Maya won't be strong enough to stop it. She always had her own sorrows, and I tried to stop them, and show her hope, but I was never strong enough. Only Josh could do that. How the mighty have fallen. We finally make our trip through the elevator, and outside the building, toward the car. The colder breeze blows towards me, and I shiver. The tears dry on my face, but as soon as the old ones go, the new ones replace them.
When we get inside the car, Josh shoots an angry, yet sad look at me. Why can't he be more sympathetic? I just want to scream at him that it isn't my fault, and that A made me do it. And want to run back into Maya's building, and hug Lucas like Maya did to Josh, and tell him I'm genuinely sorry, and that I'm so in love him that it hurts. But you don't always get what you want. I need to be strong. To show Lucas that I don't care, even though I deeply do. I need to prove that I can be okay without him, and even though I'm not sure that it's possible, I have to make it work. It seems like Josh isn't too happy about my decision to break up with Lucas. I mean, they are basically best friends after all. It must all seem so off to him. It's off to me as well. Why get rid of the thing you need right when you need it the most?
It's seems like everytime something important happens, or is about to, I get a mysterious text, so when I get one in the car on the way home, I'm not surprised. I'm just sad about it. Hasn't this person already taken enough from me? Since we're at a red light, Maya and Josh both turn from the front seat to look at me. Josh has a concerned look on his face, while Maya shares the same concern, but with terror as well. I look down at my cell phone with obvious terror in my eyes. I see that I have another text from A, but before I can read it, I turn off my phone. This person has taken way too much from me! I will simply refuse to read their stupid text messages, and I will encourage Maya to do the same. A little bit into the way home, I am trying so hard not to cry, I'm so tired of it, but I also can't stop myself from doing it. I've never cried in front of Josh like this, except when I broke my arm one time, and I've only cried like this in front of Maya a few times. I cry until my eyes are watered out, and until they feel hot and rough, like the sands of an arabian desert. I cry, and cry, and cry. It's just this feeling I can't describe. It feels good to cry every once in awhile, but this? This is sheer torture. Eventually, my loud sobs start to distract Josh from driving safely, so Maya is forced in the back to help calm me down. She whispers soothing words, but they never work. I know I have to deal with this one on my own. I take a few shaky deep breaths, and eventually stop. Finally.
We finally get home at around 9:30. We walk in and see my mom in the kitchen. She obviously noticed my puffy red eyes and she asks, "Honey, what's wrong?" I sniffle and walk away. I'll let Maya do the explaining. I walk into my room, and rest for a simple moment at the bay window. Everything is quiet until Josh walks in. He obviously wants to ask me why I broke up with Lucas, but I just stopped crying, and my eyes hurt, so I don't want to talk about it.
"If you're here to talk to me about Lucas, I'm all cried out." I say sincerely. He looks at me long and hard before he responds.
"No, I wanna make sure you're okay. Yes the break up is going to be hard, but that isn't all you encountered this weekend. You were also ra-"
"Oh my gosh! The pregnancy tests!" I almost completely forgot! I need to take them, but not now. I'll wait till my mom's asleep. I rush out of my room and leave a stunned Josh still in it. I rush out, and find my mom and Maya talking, most likely about me and Lucas. I ignore them, and grab Josh's keys from off the table. I head toward the door, and realize that this will be my first time outside of the house by myself since the little incident. I turn around, and I see my mom, which reminds me to not act weird. I also see Maya who looks at me with an encouraging smile. I turn, and open the door. When I get down to the car, I get really scared. I can't help but keep looking over my shoulder. I hear a car rev up, and I start running. I grab the backpack, and lock the car and then I'm off. I make it up to our apartment in record timing. I rush in and shut the door behind me, and turn around to see my mom and Maya staring at me.
"What's the rush?" I try to think up an excuse, but my brain just isn't working. Thankfully Maya comes to my rescue.
"Geez Riles. You beat your last record!" Maya says looking down at her watch.
"Yeah, I guess those extra exercises that the P.E. teacher taught me paid off!" I smile.
"You guys are weird!" My mom laughs, catching on. Thank God.
Her phone rings, and Maya and I both noticeably tense up, but thankfully she doesn't notice. She answers the phone, and Maya and I wait for her to finish talking. After she does, she announces that there was a work emergency, and she needs to go to her office, and that she'll probably stay with a friends nearby for the night. She gives us each a hug, and we lock the door after she leaves.
I walk into my room, and setup. When Maya usually sleeps over, I completely change my room around, to make everything we will ever need in reaching distance. After a few minutes of rearranging, I have me two beside tables in front of the bay window. One for my laptop, and one for waters, soda, and snacks. I also empty out my dirty clothes bin, and fill it with blankets in case we get cold, and put a portable fan on top, in case we get hot. After completing this, Maya comes in, and looks sad.
"You're mom is completely convinced we had a perfect weekend."
"How could she be so smart, yet so wrong?" I ask sarcastically. We sit down, and start watching our favorite tv show. We both ALWAYS sing the theme song.
"Out here in space," I start.
"I kiss your green face," Maya continues.
We both sing in perfect harmony, "But it feels you're light years away!"
We watch with no stopping for a couple hours. That's when Maya first complains she's tired. I beg her to stay up a little later, but I can't blame her. It's like midnight, I'm tired too. It's just that I don't want to go to sleep, because I'm scared of the night horrors that sleeping brings. Maya manages to stay awake for a whole other two episodes, before she begs for sleep. I allow her. I feel horrible for making her stay awake for me, it was selfish. We both try to sleep for a little, but eventually, I know I just can't. I get up and walk toward the kitchen, through our well furnished hallway. Once I get into the kitchen, I hear suspicious whispering. "But they're both acting so weird." Josh says. I'm eager to find out who he's talking to. I slowly back away, and start to listen intently. I know that Josh wouldn't appreciate my listening in, but I just can't stop myself, and I don't need anymore surprises.
"I know she's still in love with me. You don't go from being so in love, to I'm in love with someone else in two hours."
"She said she's in love with someone else?" Josh asks, confused as ever.
Crap, they're pulling apart my plan, and I'm not even supposed to know about it.
"I just love her so much you don't understand! This is so frustrating! She needs to know that."
"I feel the same way about Maya. I just can't shake the feeling that they are hiding something from us. Have you noticed how they act when a phone goes off?"
I've had enough. They're gonna find out, and all of Maya and I's efforts to keep them safe, will be gone. Now A is gonna torture them, and hurt them, and there's nothing we can do to stop it. But how could A blame us for this? A is the one sending us texts at the worst times! And how can they expect us not to be scared of them, when their job is to make us scared.
I want to go to bed. I'd rather deal with imaginary nightmares than this real one. As I walk back to my room, I get very dizzy. I reach out to a wall for support, but miss and fall flat on my side. Ow. Lucas and Josh come running.
"Oh my God, Riley are you ok?" Lucas says urgently, helping me up.
"Dizzy." I say, feeling the bile bubble up my throat. I push past him, and throw up on the floor. He holds my hand.
"Riley, you should see a doctor." Josh says concerned.
"I hate to agree, but you could be really sick. What if something were to happen to you." Lucas agrees.
"No, and don't you guys tell anyone." I try to stand, and Lucas basically picks me up, and carries me to the couch. He sits me down, and I sit down next to him.
"Lucas, what are you doing here. I told you I don't like-"
"I know what you told me, but if you love something you don't let it go so easily. So I'm gonna fight for you."
"No. I don't want you to." I stand up facing him. I need this desperate message to get through to him.
"What is your problem, Riley? You of all people would try to make at least being friends work! Why are you shoving you me out when you need me."
"I don't need you!"
"Well Maybe I need you!" He pauses for a moment, before continuing, "I've had a bad week too. My girlfriend, and my best friend was raped, and then she broke up with me. And now, she is trying to push me away when I need her the most." I don't know what to say to that. I really want to tell him the truth. But if I do, I know the consequences.
"No Lucas. It's not going to happen." And with that, I turn to run back into my room. But he's too fast for me. He grabs my hand, spins me around, and kisses me. I finally push him off of me and think. I realize that with his and my breathing so fast, I'll never be able to concentrate, so I give up. I decide to go with what my heart is telling me.
He sits on the couch waiting for a reply, and I dive into him, wrapping my arms around him like ropes. Never letting go. I start to cry. Josh is about to get back with the towels, so I stand up, and pull Lucas out of the room. I take him to Auggie's room to explain, because Auggie is at a sleepover with Dewy for the night.
I sit down on the bed, and cover my face with my hands. "I'm a horrible person, and I couldn't even last without you for a day. I just wanted you to be safe for one day!" I start to cry.
"You are not a horrible person." He says confidently. "You could never be. But what do you mean? Keep me safe from what?"
"You can't tell Josh, or Zay, or anyone anything!"
"Ok, well what happened?"
"I found out who 'set up' my rape."
"Well why didn't you say something!" He says exasperated.
"It was A, and anonymous person, who sends me threats, via my phone."
"So that was why you and Maya would jump every time your phones would beep. But how does that make me un-safe."
"A told me that if I didn't break up with you, that it would hurt you."
"You really think that A could hurt me."
"Yes. A almost killed Farkle, Maya and I on the way to the beach."
"And why didn't you just tell me earlier?" How can he not get it by now?
"Because I love you, and I'd rather be unhappy, then let you get hurt and not do anything about it, That's why I'm so selfish! Now you're going to suffer because I can't live without you!" I start to cry again.
Lucas stands up, and walks toward me. He picks me up, and we lay on Auggie's bed together. "Don't ever leave me, I'd die."
"So you've loved me this entire time?"
"And I'll never stop." Lucas looks down, and kisses me. We start to deepen the kiss, when I hear a beeping noise. I instantly freeze. Lucas pulls me in tighter, and whispers in my ear.
"Shhh. Just go check it, maybe it won't be so bad." Although I know he's wrong, he gives me the courage I need to get up and check the message. You think rape was torture? How will you feel when I kill Lucas and make you watch? You crossed the line, A. I drop my phone, and take a step back. I stare straight into the wall, and don't move. I vaguely feel Lucas rush up to me, grab my hand, and whisper something in my ear. But I can't move. I'm in complete utter shock. I'm not even sad yet, and I of all people know that A gets what it wants, and A wants Lucas dead, so he'll die. The only thing I can think about is Lucas's body. I know, I'm a horrible girlfriend, but I want him. "Lucas, I.."
"Riley, this isn't your fault. I won't die." He moves towards me, and puts his hand on my waist. The feeling of him touching me sets me off. I turn around, and kiss him so hard it hurts. We kiss, and kiss, and kiss. He lifts me up, and I straddle him. He carries us to the bed, and lies down on top of me. I start to unbutton his shirt, and he pulls away.
"Once we go there, I don't think I'll be able to stop." He says catching his breath.
"So don't stop." I say leaning forward, kissing him, and pulling him back down. I finally unbutton his shirt, and rip it off. My hands rub against his abs as I take in his body. He deepens the kiss even further, and I help him take off my shirt. I'm not wearing the bra I wanted to wear for our first time, but I'll save it for next time, which I know will happen. His hands pull me closer, and our bodies press together.
"Wait!" He says smiling at me. I smile back. "Your brother is home, and so is Maya."
"Ugh." I say falling backwards. He holds my hand, and strokes his thumb back and forth. If you just ignore the A part, then this would be perfect. Sullenly remembering A, I roll over to lean on my side, away from Lucas. I can't look at him when I know what I'm doing to him is for my own needs and putting him at risk.
"Riley, this isn't your fault. I'll never let anyone hurt you ever again." He sighs. "And I'm really sorry for letting the first time slip."
"Don't blame yourself for that. You offered to pick me up, but I just wanted to get to Maya's. I knew I should've waited, but I just thought. Maybe this one time, I could be ok. And you're my hero. You saved me, over and over again, and now all I've done is put you in danger." I start to devise a plan in my mind about what to do with Lucas.
"What are you thinking about?"
I smile, "Ok, but don't think I'm crazy."
"Never." He smiles back, on the verge of laughing.
"Don't interrupt, and just let me explain." He nods. "Ok, so what if we were to 'break up'." I say using my fingers to make quotations around the words. He looks like he is going to respond, but I cut him off. "Ahh, Ah, you said you wouldn't." I pause, "We could cause a big scene, A would see it, drop the threat, and we could be together in secret. The only problem is that I'm not sure we could tell Farkle, Maya, Josh, Zay or Smackle." I say sighing, and looking down.
Lucas quickly grabs my hands to reassure me. "It might work, but think about it like this. How would A have known we were back together unless they somehow had access to this very room."
"You think this place is bugged?" I say pulling the sheets a little higher above my bra. Lucas scoots closer as if to also help cover me.
"Now that I think about it, I definitely do." He lays his head on my stomach, and I sit up really fast.
Lucas jumps with my movement. "What's wrong?" He asks urgently.
"I forgot to take the pregnancy tests." I swallow. I get up, and go to my room. Maya is sitting up in the bed. I'm not surprised when Lucas walks in behind me, and bumps into me.
"What are you doing up?" I ask her trying to keep my cool. She can't know about me and Lucas if our little plan is gonna work.
"Oh nothing. I just realized that you forgot something extremely important, and I wanted to see how long it would take you to remember it."
"Can we have a moment?" I ask turning around to face Lucas. He leaves the room. I turn around to shut the door, so that Maya and I can keep a secret from Lucas that he already knows.
"How are you two?" Maya asks gesturing to me and the door.
"We are gonna stay friends, but it's hard." I say, feeling horrible about lying. But it is only half a lie.
"That's good. Where's Josh?" I smile. Ugh, he's probably still cleaning up my puke.
"Long story. There was kinda an accident." The way she looks at me is like she thinks I mean like a car accident. "No, no, no, I was listening in on one of Lucas and Josh's conversations, and I kinda fell."
"Are you ok?" she asks, concerned, yet relieved that it had nothing to do with Josh. I laugh.
"Yeah, but I kinda got sick afterward, and Josh was on puke duty." Suddenly Josh barges in.
"I heard someone call me?" he says laughing.
"I'll leave you two alone." I say, departing from the room.
"Riley wait!"
"Yes Peaches?" I convey.
"Have you slept at all?" She looks at me with a pointed look. I'm most likely looking back at her with a guilty one.
"No, but it's not gonna happen tonight." I walk over and grab the backpack. She looks upset, and I know that not sleeping is unhealthy, but I just have too much on my plate. "Actually, guys I know you want a moment alone, but can it wait, I want everyone to be together when I take these." I say holding up the bag containing my future, and the pregnancy tests. "And it just feels...right."
"Yeah sure Riles. And no matter what happens, we all love you, and support any decision you make. Also, Farkle told me to call him and Smackle with the answer, and I'm sure Zay would wanna know too."
"Ok." I say biting my tongue. At 3 in the morning? They wouldn't even answer I bet.
We all walk into the kitchen, and my hands start to shake. Ok, let's get this over with. Everyone makes their way to the couch, but instead of following them, I take a sharp right, and make a beeline for the bathroom. I get inside, and I'm not sure what to do. I read the box, and it seems easy enough. I quickly pee on the first stick, and then save some for the second. I place them gently on the counter. Now all we have to do is wait for three minutes. I use the plan b step, and swallow two small, white pills, as I make my way out of the bathroom, to meet up with the rest of them. I sit next to Lucas, and I want so perilously to hold his hand, but I know I can't. So I sit down, and put my head in my hands. All too soon, Lucas is shaking me to let me know it's time. It hasn't felt like three minutes, but time moves quicker when you don't want it to. I stand up, and am quite shaky, which Lucas notices, so he reaches out to help balance me, and he saves me from my almost second fall of the night. I stumble to the bathroom, and when I get there, I see my whole life flash before my eyes. My eyes gander toward the stick, where there is a little blue minus sign. I stand there and start to sob. Maya comes and knocks on my door, probably expecting the worst.
I open the door for her, and once she eyes for the test, and her eyes land on the minus, she literally looks stunned. She starts crying too, and hugs me so tight. I didn't know that she was so worried about this. But I guess that's what best friends are for. Hand in hand we walk outside toward the anxious boys. Lucas looks up with fear, while Josh looks up with sadness. "I'm not pregnant." say so quietly. When the words burst out of my mouth, you can see the emotion drip right off of their faces, to be replaced with thankful happy ones. Lucas Jumps up, and gives me a hug, and then he gives on eto Maya, while Josh does the exact opposite.
"I think I'll finally be able to sleep."I whisper to Maya. She looks at me with a proud, and over joyous look. We say our goodbyes to the boys, and Maya walks Lucas out. I remember when we were in the triangle, I would've been so jealous, but now everyone knows that Maya and Josh are soulmates, and me and Lucas are too.