Before anyone brings it up, yes. I'm aware Zombie Chef appeared in The Stick of Truth, so the events in this story are actually very unlikely. I just felt like writing a horror story, and wanted to write something for South Park after one of my recent tweets blew up on Twitter related to the show. I'm not claiming anything to be canon in this story - despite what some fanfiction readers seem to believe. I'm just writing this because I love both horror and South Park.

Disclaimer: I do not own South Park. It is owned by Matt Stone and Trey Parker. I am also going to admit right now that I have not read very many of H. P. Lovecraft's tales yet. That being said, I think I can still write something at least somewhat scary related to it!

The chef in the black suit reminiscent of a character from movies that began their seasonal rot near the end of the 20th century and finally concluded near the end of the 2010s wandered through the streets of his old hometown of South Park, Colorado. In his right hand, he carried a glowing scarlet spatula. While this character sounds cool, and you might be thinking he was going to start singing some jolly soul song about making love to women, his reasons for being in South Park was anything but jolly…

He was here to molest children.

He'd once been a cafeteria chef who'd made love to many white women, but later left South Park with dreams of finding answers. When he returned, the way he spoke was all botched up, and he kept asking the children at his school if they wanted to make love. Four of these children went back to that Super Adventure Club he went to and found out that they'd brainwashed him. After being kidnapped by them, he died soon after, and was brought back as the way he appeared now, still with that fruity club having scrambled his brain.

The man looked around, finding no children he could commit this disgusting act to. Maybe it would've been easier if he was looking for them in the middle of the day, rather than 3:00am at night. Of course, it would've been more of a pain in the ass for him if he'd done it in broad daylight because of course parents would see him kidnap a child. Of course parents would put a stop to him. What kind of a world is this where you can't even fuck kids anymore?

The breeze began to pick up suddenly, echoing a loud, deep whistle. In a playground across the street, it was strong enough to blow the swings from a swingset over the top, the merry go round made a loud metallic noise due to being old enough to have rusted pretty badly. If trees weren't rooted to the ground, it might've been strong enough winds to knock them over. Luckily for the chef formerly known as Jerome McElroy (or Chef for short), he was a fat guy wearing a heavy suit. Those two factors kept this puff of wind from blowing him over.

Suddenly, a meow was heard from over near a house, startling the man. Its meow sounded odd and its eyes were glowing purple. It was also a black cat.

"Hello there, little kitty, have you seen any children around here?" he asked. "I'd like for them to suck on my chocolate salty balls… and I don't mean the candy I used to sell."

"Rooooowr, my name isn't Little Kitty, you black bastard," the cat spoke in a high pitched voice. This spooked the shit out of the chef. "Rooooowr, my name is Nigger Man…"

The chef didn't get pissed off about the cat using the N-word. He was a black cat, after all. However, something struck him with a sense of familiarity about a cat with the name Nigger Man. He felt like he'd seen something referencing that information somewhere before.

Suddenly, he heard a loud groaning noise from behind him, one that didn't sound like a human. At first, he thought he was hearing things, both from the cat and from the back of him, until the cat spoke again: "Looks like the all-mother with a thousand young's found you…" Its eyes shined brightly for a brief moment, suddenly appearing more a tint of red than the violet they were a minute ago.

Darth Chef turned around and was horrified to find a large crimson he didn't even know what to call it that was made up of several tentacles covered with tiny, bright yellow eyes and large mouths full of razor sharp teeth. Spikes of a dull shade of lime showed on its tentacles. From its mouth dripped a light corrosive ooze that would most likely disintegrate a human that made contact with it. It was the Lovecraftian God, Shub-Niggurath!

"What the fu-" the all-mother with a thousand young suddenly swung one of its tentacles at him, slicing his body in two and then grabbed both halves of his corpse to chow down on. The deity had just murdered a pedophile the world would be better without. It didn't murder him because he was a pedophile however. It murdered him because it could only feed off of dark meat.

"I witnessed what you've just done, Shub-Niggurath," a deep voice, but not deep enough to sound like a black man's, spoke from behind the deity. It turned around to see a ginger man with a beard in a detective's uniform. "My name is Sgt. Yates. I've read all about you, and am well aware that you can't eat me for I am way too pale, but I think I've got a proposition for you." The beast let out a loud curious growl as he continued. "We arrest a lot of black people here in South Park, because as you know, all black people are apparently criminals, and our jail cells are beginning to get full. Maybe we can give you a place to stay if you can help… lessen our inventory, if you catch my drift?" the Lovecraftian God let out its happiest sounding noise yet. It was too high pitched to sound like a growl, a howl might be the more appropriate word for the sound it made. "YES!" Sgt. Yates began to laugh maniacally. While this deed sounded incredibly racist for him to want to commit, his intent was much less racist than you might believe. He just wanted to empty out the jail cells a bit. Unfortunately, he didn't realize it was very racist to think all black people are criminals, so he's not safe from that assumption in that regard…