I have no excuse for taking this long. I think I just needed to also breathe and understand that I didn't have to load every chapter up with so much information so they SHOULD come out at an actual schedule now. I know you guys have been here since 2016 and I apologize profusely for how long it has taken me to update. I am doing better though and I think I finally know where I am going from here (I have an outline, I just wasn't spacing it the way I should have)

Also, you know this fic has been a long WIP when I'm still using Lovino HAHA! I'll edit it properly and change it to Lorenzo eventually.

~Multicolore~

"I drank to drown my sorrows, but the damned things learned how to swim."

― Frida Kahlo

They had been sitting there on a lonely day. It was one of those days where there wasn't much to do but cuddle together on the couch and talk about the things that lingered at the back of the mind. Those deep, burning, hidden secrets that needed a day like this where they were cuddled together in a blanket with the soft sound of a movie they didn't know in the background.

And then the silence broke.

Lovino had been the one to call Antonio, saying he needed some time with him before he got ready to go on his trip to see his brothers again. Antonio couldn't blame him for needing it. From what he knew, they hadn't grown up with the most sober and loving parents - and of all of them, Lovino took the worst of it.

Right now though, there was silence, soft cuddling, hand kisses...

"They used to hit me."

"What?"

Lovino looked up at Antonio with wide eyes and brought his hand to his shoulder where deep scars ran, "They used to hit me. They threw whatever they could and they screamed into my ear until I begged God to make me deaf. It wasn't all the time. Just when they were drunk or when they decided that we were bad. For a while - I guess - I didn't know that what I was going through wasn't okay. Found out when I was thirteen and taking a sex-ed class. I can still hear the things they used to scream and the shattering glass..."

"Feliciano and Romeo?"

Lovino shook his head, "I always made sure it was me. I never let them touch them. Feliciano was only ever hurt once and it was because I went to a competition. I never left him alone after that. I guess I gave up my ambitions for them because I decided it was more worth it for them to be not hurt than for me to pursue something and risk seeing a bunch of bloody tissues in the wastebasket."

The way things hung in the room made Antonio's throat close. Oh god. He couldn't ever tell him. He couldn't ever tell him. Never. Looking at him, the way he hugged himself and kept his closed eyes towards the floor, the subtle shaking he could tell he didn't realize he was doing.

No...Antonio didn't have it in him.

Lovino hugged Antonio tight, kissing his cheek, "I love you, Anto."

Antonio nodded and held him tight, kissing his face a million times, but none of those kisses could wipe away the guilt that rid his stomach.

"I love you too, 'Vino."

Yes, lonely days like this were good days to let out the venomous memories that clung to the walls of their minds and siphoned them of joy.

"Antonio, are you sure?"

"Yes, Francis," he said, "I'll be okay. Take your time to get here, you'll probably get here before him because God knows where he is."

There was an exhausted sigh on the end and Francis croaked causing Antonio to freeze.

"Please promise me you won't do anything stupid. Please. Antoine, I'm so sorry for doing this to you, I should have known better. I shouldn't have encouraged it. I'm so sorry. I'll call Gilbert and we'll both come over, but I'm so sorry."

Antonio felt the sick feeling settle in his stomach. He wasn't sure if it was all the wine or the way Francis spoke and blamed himself.

"It wasn't your fault, Fran," he said, "Don't blame yourself."

"But we encouraged it. I encouraged it. I knew the signs were there and you've always been, well, a terrible drunk. But I ignored it and now you, you're hurting, and oh, mon Dieu, Lovino! He was so skittish and angry when he thought that you were drinking and now you are. Oh Antoine, I'm so sorry. Does he know?"

"No." he said quietly

There was a silence and Antonio knew all too well what was coming next.

"You have to tell him, my friend."

"No!" he screamed, shaking at the thought. Tears collected in his eyes and he wiped them away with a smaller prayer of thanks to God that Lovino was out of town for the week and wouldn't see him like this, "I can't-I can't tell him, Francis. His parents were drunks and I can't do that him! It's not fair!"

"You know what else isn't fair? Making him hurt more when he eventually finds out. You see how he reacts and he has told you why it upsets him. Tell him before you hurt him worse. I am telling you now, Antonio, if you hurt that man because of your stupidity, I will pay for him to stay somewhere far from you." Francis' voice lost all warmth and his words became more jumbled together, "You need help. Why are you being so stubborn about it?"

Antonio shook his head rapidly. No. No. No no no no no. He didn't want change, he didn't want help, he didn't want to be not okay! He was fine! He just needed to be better about this. The itching would go away eventually, right? It had to.

"I can't tell him, Francis. I can't do it."

There was a sigh.

"I'll see you in a couple of days, Antonio. Please take care of yourself."

He hung up and Antonio was left all alone in his house. He didn't know what to do. There was no way that he could go to Lovino and let him know he was drinking. Surely he didn't have to. After all, it wasn't that bad. Couldn't he just work with himself and get better? He wouldn't ever have to tell Lovino about what happened and he wouldn't ever hurt him.

This would be fine.

This would be perfectly fine.

"You're leaving me too? Are you kidding? I thought you had my back!"

"I'm going to help myself, Antonio! You and your friends can continue to fuck your lives over, but I will not be a part of it! I have made my decision and clearly you made yours!"

"You're gonna leave your brother behind?"

"Yeah, I am. You're my brother, Antonio, and I will always love you, but I am not going to stick around and hurt myself because you don't want to help yourself. When you feel like getting help or got it already, you know where to find me."

"João…"

"Goodbye, Antonio. You'll always be in my prayers."

The doorbell rang and Antonio practically bolted to it. He was so happy to know that Francis was there. He was weary and beaten and though he had hidden his liquor, he was getting really tempted, especially with anxiety skyrocketing. He had been scratching at his arms nervously, picking at skin and scabs.

"Fran, I'm so glad you're-"

"Is that your girlfriend or one of those boys you always hung around with when you were younger?"

Antonio froze.

Oh, son of a bitch.

"Papa…"

"Yeah. It's me."

Antonio was shaking terribly and he didn't know what to do. He wasn't ready for this and this wasn't how it was supposed to go. Francis was supposed to be there comforting him and talking to him to help him with this confrontation. Antonio was no way prepared for the sure to be awful experience he was going to have. He hadn't seen the man in years, it was terrifying and though he obviously couldn't look down at his hands, he knew that he was trembling.

"Listen, about the message I sent. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be a dick to ya. I guess I'm still a sucky dad."

That...was not what he had anticipated.

"Yeah. You run off for no reason, leave my mom behind, and leave your disabled kid behind because you decided that his career wasn't going to take him somewhere only to send a message saying you still see that career as shitty and that you're coming back. First, how did you know I was still here and second, why the hell are you here?"

Bolder than he expected. He was proud. Each word gave him a thrill to say. How long had he waited to yell at him? How long had he cried and wondered if he was to blame for the life that tore itself part around him? Antonio wanted to scream more but he was already burning with so much emotion from words he had no idea he had the courage to say. Though his lip was beginning to tremble and his knees were turning flimsy beneath him, he did everything to keep standing straight. He would not fall yet.

"I guess I deserve that, huh? Uhm, I called your brother and he told me that he wouldn't tell me where ya were and that if I wanted to talk to'ya then he'd arrange something. I guess I hoped and my hopes were right. I came because I wanted to talk about everything that happened and apologize."

Antonio moved aside from the doorway and let him in, "Say or do anything stupid and you're out."

"Fair."

Antonio closed the door behind him and reached for the lightswitch, flicking it on so that his father could see. He took a deep breath and froze as his phone buzzed.

[NEW MESSAGE FROM: Francey Pants]'Had a delay, think you can handle one more day without me? I'm sure your dad won't get there in the time it takes.'

He bit his lip and didn't say anything as he kept his hand on the wall. From the couch, there was uncomfortable shifting and a little bit of laughter.

"I guess I deserved that to. I haven't been good to you, Toni."

He sighed, balling his hand into a fist and struggling to find his strength. It took all of his strength to calm himself enough to release his hand and walk over to sit down. Even then, there was silence in the room. Antonio didn't want to speak first, he had burned himself up enough and he needed to calm down and collect himself. Though, if his father kept this up, he might as well get up and make a meal.

"Antonio, I really am sorry for what I did. It wasn't right to leave you all behind. I could sit here and tell ya about where I was mentally and how it affected me, but it doesn't justify how I treated ya, your brother, or your mother. And then I found out she died and I didn't have the courage to face you both. Most of all you. What I've said wasn't okay. What I sent wasn't okay and I've had a lot to think about coming here to face ya. I can't imagine whatcha might be thinking with me here."

"And do you expect me to forgive you?"

"Of course not. You do that on your own when you decide to—if you decide to. I dunno. I guess I looked at ya and thought you were clinging to something you couldn't have. It was a dumb move and I shoulda listened more and paid attention more."

Antonio covered his face, trying to hide all the pent up anger and frustration and rage. He tried to hide how bad he wanted to scream. How much he longed to punch his dad and throw him to the ground and make him feel all the pain and misery Antonio had felt for ages.

"I uh, I actually saw some of your work online before I got here, but it was after that message. Apparently, you're growing on social media. I won't lie, I still don't get it. I still think it's a bit stupid. But, if it makes you happy, then I don't care. Do what makes you happy, Antonio."

It wasn't fair. He was supposed to scream and hate him. His dad was supposed to be horrible and awful and someone Antonio could never imagine forgiving. He was supposed to cut him out of his life and never think of him again. Antonio was supposed to watch him burn in his hatred and ignorance. But this? It wasn't what he expected at all and he didn't have the words to say that would convey the millions of thoughts and emotions that pounded through his skull.

All that Antonio could do was crumble into a fit of tears.

"I'm sorry, Antonio."

That was all he had ever wanted to hear.

For years, he had burned in his rage and all he wanted to hear was honest regret. What did he do now that he had gotten it?

"I'd like to see some of your paintings if that's okay."

Antonio really didn't have the words to express the way everything about him seemed to shatter and the perceptions of his father were twisting and turning back from everything he had seen. It was too fast, he knew that, and he was going to wait to see how things turned out because traps were easy to fall into.

"Are you going to criticize them or tell me I should have left this career behind?"

"No. I want to see what makes you happy."

It all felt so fake. It had to be because if it was real, Antonio was nothing but a weak child who wanted nothing but a father to admire. Antonio was nothing but a broken down man seeking family and so desperate that he would be willing to bring this man back into his life if it meant the chance to get a sliver of that love that he so deeply craved.

And so desperately, craving that love, he threw himself in completely.

"You did what?" his father burst out laughing.

"Gilbert convinced me that it was a good idea! I mean, I was an idiot to believe him, but we tried it."

"Who skis down the roof?"

"Three drunk idiots apparently," Antonio laughed, sipping at his wine. See? He had control. Francis was wrong. He was fine.

[MESSAGE SENT]'Things with my dad are actually going well. We're catching up and I think he actually is trying to change. I think I'll be good :)'

[NEW MESSAGE FROM: Francey Pants] 'If you say so. However, I am staying near in case you do need me for some reason'

Antonio sighed at the message.

"It's understandable. I don't think they're really heard good things from me have they?"

"No," Antonio replied quietly, "You didn't really give me a reason to say a good thing about you. I'm still really shocked about this right now. Your message made me think I was going to deal with the worst."

"And I don't blame you. I'll be honest, it should not have taken me this long to realize it's not my choice to decide what career ya choose. I hated that message as soon as I sent it because it hit me that there's no way Ima get my kid back if I keep being a jackass to him."

God, he sounded so worn down.

Antonio wanted to hug him, but he felt it would be so weird. It had been so long and he was still on edge about everything. There was a lot that he wanted to do that he didn't because it had only been a few hours and he wasn't sure they had reached anything that made him feel that push to hug him and call him dad again. As desperate as he was for that relationship and to fix the damage that had been done, he didn't want to jump at it.

"Where have you even been all these years?"

There was a sigh and Antonio could see the faint image of him. He had pushed it out so long ago that he could barely put it together, but he could see it. He could imagine what he probably looked like. The same brown hair that was messy, but not because he was lazy like Antonio, because he had beaten himself so low that he didn't bother to fix it anymore. Dark circles must have been there, carrying the weight of his guilt.

And still, he was probably as well dressed as ever. That was one thing Antonio could bet on.

"Just outta town actually. Can't really go too far. Started off in a crappy apartment though. My current place is better. You should come visit sometime. Got a dog and everything. Though I did wander around for a bit. Traveled to different places contemplating what I had done. I burned with alotta hatred for so long and I let it eat me up and leave me in a bad place. Started thinking about talking to ya both earlier this year and decided it was time to fix my point of view on things. But I guess it took until very last minute to understand that ya really are an artist and that cannot change no matter my view on things. Still working on it, but I think I'm doing better."

Antonio smiled a bit, nodding, "I think you are too."

There was silence there, nothing needed to be said, everything that they felt seemed to come out on its own. Antonio felt at peace. Maybe things would be okay. Taking another sip from his wine, he realized Lovino would be returning soon and that he would get to meet his dad and Antonio would have to find a way to explain that the past was done with and what mattered now was that he was trying.

He would also have to tell his dad that he liked men.

They really did have a lot to catch up on.

"So what are you planning to do after art school?"

"Actually, I have a plan." Antonio said, "I want to travel to Italy. There's a blind sculptor there who has sculptures displayed that is actually open to touch. I want to experience that sort of art since I don't get to enjoy these things all the time. I feel it might help a bit with my art as well. Plus, Italy is beautiful and I wouldn't mind taking time to feel around and paint the things I hear, smell, touch…" Antonio seemed to dream off at the thought but quickly caught himself and cleared his throat, "I'm going to continue commissions as usual, but I want to do something similar to that. I want to open an art exhibit with art that people can touch. Of course carefully, but I want that. I also want to provide people a chance to close or cover their eyes for a moment and take a few steps along the path I take as an artist."

He wondered when it would come. The comments. He said it himself that he did think that the art thing was stupid. Surely he wouldn't be that tolerant about things. Even he had to reach a limit that made him go and reject the things that he told him.

"That's amazing. I'm assuming a lot of recent art?"

"Yeah. I can't afford classic stuff. But with recent art, it would make it easier to repair if any damage were to come to it." Antonio replied.

It felt so weird to be able to talk about this and be open about the things he liked. He hadn't talked to Lovino about these things really because they were so tucked away for the right moment.

"I like that. Ya seem to have a stable plan."

Antonio smiled shyly and rubbed his neck, "I have thought about it for a while. I'm...excited to start working on it."

"I'm excited to watchya grow through it. That's of course, if you're okay with me being around."

Antonio went silent. His mind not quite organized enough. He had to admit this was all a bit chaotic. A bit unexpected too. Though, he supposed if he let him in this far then there was nothing wrong that could come from letting him in on that. After all, he was his father and he had grown and though he had pain that they needed to overcome, he was confident in being able to accomplish that.

"I.." He was really doing this, "I would really like that. I could use a dad right now. Even if we're still figuring things out."

"I would too."

The thing was, the next two days were wonderful. It was like a dream Antonio had never known. It started a bit rough, feeling embarrassed when he went with him to a restaurant without braille. But despite his father not catching on at first, he was quick to help and the next morning for breakfast looked for a place with menus in braille and Antonio struggled to not burst into tears at such a simple act. This man wasn't the man from before. He wasn't the nightmare that he knew from his childhood and despite his hesitance, he was thrusting his trust upon him.

"Is this the art gallery with your art?" he asked as they walked down the street.

"Yes. It's closed today, but maybe we could come another time."

There was a silence between them that was hardly anything negative. It was more the sweet understanding that there weren't a lot of words that needed to be said for the day to be good. The winter weather, though nothing compared to autumn, was peaceful and darling in it's own way. He could think back to the days when he was a child and he would run through the snow with his friends. He thought back to skiing down the roof.

"What should we do today?" his dad asked, "Or do you want to keep walking?"

"I think I want to keep walking." Antonio said.

"Okay."

And so they kept walking, nowhere really in mind.

The only thing Antonio knew is that with Lovino coming home soon, he needed to tell his dad about his wonderful boyfriend. Though, he wasn't sure how to start that conversation so it didn't end up awkward or silent. He didn't really want to just blurt it out.

Screw it, he was blurting it out.

"I've met someone."

The crunching sound from his father's steps stopped, "Really now?"

"Yeah. They're really amazing you know. They want to become a chef. They have a cat and they listen to me about my art. I really couldn't ask for someone more supportive." he sighed, covering his face with his hand. "And I've memorized their facial structure. I could paint it over and over. And they've got these hands that I love to hold when we cuddle. They make me so happy. I feel like nothing bad could possibly happen when I'm holding them."

His dad chuckled as they turned the corner, "It sounds like you've found someone you're really into."

"I have." Antonio gushed, "There's something about the way they comb their fingers through my hair and they speak to me that makes me feel like nothing is wrong in the world. The way they make me some food and make fun of my terrible eating habits. I feel so absolutely alive. There's a world of color that I can finally see and it feels so good!"

"And here I never thought that you'd get a girlfriend."

Fuck.

Antonio forgot that his world was not the world of everyone else's. For a moment, all that mattered was Lovino and his dad and not the fact that people expected him to love a woman. And sure, he supposed he wouldn't reject the idea if it came, but it was Lovino who he fell in love with and it was Lovino with whom he wanted to stay.

"Yeah.."

"Are you comfortable with me meeting her?"

Well, his dad cared and he had changed, so there was no reason for him to worry. And yet, his anxiety bit at him. Antonio didn't dare say a word less he ruin the moment. He could talk to him about this later—when things felt right and not awkward.

"Not yet."

"Then we won't." his dad pat Antonio's shoulder and that simple action eased so much of the weight he carried.

He really had changed. And it didn't excuse his actions, it didn't change the hurt. None of that was suddenly over. It didn't make what he did okay. It did none of that. But he was a fool, surrounded in the need for hydrangeas and dandelions. He yearned for it. He craved it with every fiber of his being.

"Thank you."

He was stupid. God, he knew he was an idiot. He was tossing himself into the arms of someone who hurt him. He was launching himself into the abyss not knowing what he'd find but he didn't care. It meant a chance at a family.

So they walked and it was nice.

It was nice.

The wind that pinched his nose and ears, the ice he tried not to slip on, the vulnerability he allowed himself around him.

It. Was. Nice.

The world seemed to root for him for once. The stars chanted his name and they pushed him into a future where his life pieced itself together. His brother, his dad, his friends, and his boyfriend were all here. The broken glass that made up his persona finally was picked up off the ground. Oh, how he needed it so desperately now.

It was like a song he wanted to repeat until the replay button was broken. The idea of peace at last and the ability to grow in a healthy way was all that he desired and it was within his grasp after so many years. It was the softest whisper that kissed him gently into the day, promising him comfort and bliss in all that he found.

The winds whispered promises of greatness to him and Antonio could do nothing else but bask in it. It was a beauty that he needed and wanted to see in every corner that he met, every crevice, and every step.

"I mean it." he said again, stopping their walk.

"Huh?"

"Thank you." Antonio sniffled, "Thank you for being here because I really needed it. Life hasn't been the best recently-or since you left. Really, things have been shit. I think my new relationship has been one of the only things to really lift me out of the dust, haha. It has been a...mess though. I've done a lot of things I don't like. I have been a person I don't want to be."

"I wasn't the dad I shoulda been to ya."

This was too good to be true. One minute he was getting a text that scared him shitless and the next he was here with his dad actually talking to him, leaning on him, believing there was a chance for something good to come out of it.

"You weren't. And don't mistake this all right now as me forgiving you. I don't yet. You really had a lot of balls coming here after everything. But, I think I can live with being around you and taking steps forward to think about letting you be an actual part of my life." Antonio said firmly. As desperate as he was, as much as he longed, he couldn't jump with the confidence that his dad would catch him.

"That's all I want, Antonio."

"So he's not a dick?"

"Nope."

"Wow. That's a surprise given what you've told me." there was a sound of a pan falling in the background, some Italian curses, things Antonio could somewhat grasp. He wished that he wasn't out of town and that he was with him; he could use a hug from Lovino right now.

"I know! But he's trying, and that's important to me. I know he might not always understand my passions, but I appreciate that he's learning and willing to have me call out the stupid things he says like when he texted me."

"Mhm." Lovino hummed, "Why didn't you tell me he texted you though? I could have helped, Anto."

Ah…

"I know, but I didn't want to worry you. Especially after you going through some hard stuff lately and being out to see your family and everything and having to keep up on your studies on top of it." It wasn't entirely a lie.

Lovino sighed and Antonio could feel his heart clench.

"Anto, caro...you shouldn't feel afraid to talk to me. I've been in low ruts and I know how it is to have shitty parents. True, I don't understand what you feel entirely, but I know some parts and I want to help. You can't just shut everyone out and act like that will help you."

"Yeah…" he scratched at his arm lightly, "I'll do better talking about it. Promise."

"Okay. I love you, Antonio."

"I love you too, Lovino."

And there was that silence again that was so warm and welcoming. It washed over him and brought him the calm he needed.

Lovino.

He was perfect…

"Do you think you'd be willing to meet him when you come back? I doubt I'll be at the hip with him, but I'd love for you to meet him." Antonio asked, laying down and holding his phone close.

"I'd love that."

Maybe, life was a little better. It sure felt like it was itching to be better.

"Sing to me?" Antonio asked.

Lovino chuckled and he could hear the sound of water running from a sink, "What would you like me to sing?"

"Our song."

"Our song?"

Antonio hummed and rolled over, "From our first dance together."

More laughter and some whistling from the room that he assumed came from Lovino's brothers.

"Alright dummy. I'll sing our song."

It took away any stress from the day and any worries about his dad. Antonio felt like he finally found home. Beautiful. Wonderful. Lovino. He was home. Listening to him sing, he didn't think about anything else except how beautiful life could really be.

Beyond the coddling, infantilization, the way people treated him like a charity case or tragedy walking. Beyond the loneliness and the thoughts in the back of his mind that scratched at his skull and told him he was nothing and would return to that. Beyond the bleak tar that covered his heart and life for so long, there was Lovino in a field of lavender and apple blossoms. The sweet smell taking over his senses and core brought him to a world where happiness lived unharmed.

"Besame, besame mucho, que tengo miedo perderte, perderte despues."

He loved Lovino's Spanish. Sloppy Spanish that tickled his heart and that he wanted to listen to day after day. For once, he felt no misery at the end of the day. He was okay. The day was okay. His mind wasn't raging, his skin wasn't itching insanely, and he wasn't struggling to breathe.

He could actually feel the warmth.

"You make me happy, Anto." Lovino said when he finished.

"That's all I ever want to do for you."

Maybe…maybe life was okay.