Disclaimer:

I do not own Harry Potter.

End disclaimer

I sat there staring at a broken piece of mirror as I was left alone in that bathroom.

Alone.

Again.

Hermione and Ron where the only friends I have ever had.

Now Hermione is dead, and Ron will probably never speak to me again.

All alone again. Just like before.

I thought Hogwarts was going to be different. And it was.

On the train here I met Ron, my first friend. How that happened I'll never know. I'm just Harry after all, just Harry. Nothing special.

Although apparently there is something special. I defeated a dark lord when I was one year old, and everyone sees me like a hero. Some hero I am, can't even save my friends. Well, friend.

I never spoke much with Hermione, she was a bit bossy and demanding. Stuck to rules like they where a shield. But I could see it in her eyes, that same loneliness that I felt. And just because of that I consider her my friend.

Considered.

She's dead now.

Gods she was smart, caught her reading an old second years book that someone left in the library a few weeks back. Probably looking to impress the teachers. I had to smile at that.

I tried that once, to get some attention from the teachers. Some pride from my aunt and uncle for my hard work.

I failed.

When I got home with a better grade that my cousin I was screamed at for cheating and shoved in my closet. That was the first and last time I ever showed my hard work to my relatives.

Then I got to Hogwarts, and it all changed. I was liked here. No cousin to bully my friend away, no aunt to scream at me when I goofed off. It's heaven.

Was.

It was heaven.

"Now it's not different, it's just more of the same."

More of life beating me down and nothing I can do about it, I guess.

"What are you talking about Potter?" A voice spoke up. Strange, I thought I was alone.

"Hogwarts was supposed to be different, it was supposed to be magical." My voice was strange, flat.

"different from what?" The voice spoke again, I know that voice.

"From home."

"What's your home like, Potter?" The voice was curious, intrigued.

"Lonely. Sometimes terrifying." I answered the voice. The voice was asking questions, why did it care?

"Where do you live?" There was an undertone of fear now, like it knew the answer but didn't want it confirmed. Well that's not my problem, is it?

"With my aunt and uncle."

"Your aunt Petunia?" Yep, that was definitely fear now.

"Yes," I answered back as I finally looked up. "Professor Snape."

"Do you know my aunt, professor?"

"Once. Not the most pleasant person from what I remember." Snape said carefully. He still hated the brat, but living with that piece of work was something he wouldn't wish on his worst enemy.

Well, maybe one or two. But not on Potter. No, Potter was not his worse enemy. He was half Lily after all.

And nothing with even a little bit of Lily was ever going to be his worst enemy.

I just snorted. "That's an understatement." Normally I would be a lot more careful with what I said, but I just couldn't seem to care right now.

It was quiet for a little while before I spoke up again. "It's my fault, isn't it?"

Snape bit back his first – sarcastic – answer. He was going to give the boy the respect of at least a well thought out answer. He deserved that after tonight.

"Yes. Had you called a teacher or even a prefect this would have played out differently. There is no way to know what might have happened, however, so miss Grangers death is not necessarily on you. Weasley, however, is your fault. I assume you led him here?" I nodded. "I thought so, Weasley is too cowardly to confront a troll. With good reason I might add." With an afterthought he added;

"Why did you come straight here Potter? Why not call on a prefect or teacher?"

My replay came out slightly sarcastic. "And tell them what? That I was afraid that the troll that was reported to be in the dungeons was a danger to Hermione in nearly the other side of the castle? It would have taken too long to convince them."

Snape had to give him that one, he wouldn't have believed him. Not that he was there, he was checking on that dammed dog. Still had to get that bite checked out, he reminded himself.

"It's never going to change, is it?" I asked, not necessarily to Snape.

"Few things in life change without forcing them too, Potter." Snape admitted.

I just snorted again, had to stop doing that. "And how am I going to do that? I've never been able to before." The last part was spoken in barley a whisper.

Snape probably wasn't meant to hear that last part, but he did anyway. He was on his way out towards the infirmary when he answered. "Hogwarts employs some of the foremost experts in their fields, and on top of that has the most expansive library in the world. If you could learn to anywhere Potter, it's here." He drawled, already disappearing around the corner.

It took me ten more minutes to stand up after Snape left, it was surprisingly comfortable on the floor.

Or maybe I was just tired.

Doesn't matter.

I started the long way back towards my dormitories after casting one last glance over the bathroom. It would probably be fixed by morning. I didn't want it to. I wanted it to remain an ugly scar for a horrible day.

Unfortunately, I would have no say in the matter.

Maybe it's time to change that.

But first I'm going to take a shower and then go to bed. This day has gone on for far too long already.

When I reached the fat lady it swung open without me having to say a word. She had a sympathetic look on her face. Word travels fast then.

Or maybe I had been there longer then I thought.

The common room was empty, thank god. Or Merlin I suppose. I was still adjusting to little things like that.

When I opened the door to my bedroom three faces stared back at me, not saying a word.

I stepped out of my filthy clothes without saying a word and took a clean pair of pajamas with me to the bathroom, I was back within ten minutes.

Still nobody said anything. I was grateful, I had no idea what I would do if they asked me what had happened.

Cry probably, or maybe break something. Best not to find out.

So, I did know what I would do… You learn something new every day.

I was even sarcastic to myself now; this day really had gone on for too long already.

Without a second glance I stepped into bed and closed the curtains. It took me nearly an hour before I was finally able to fall asleep.

Morning came far too soon.

Another shower and a clean pair of clothes and I was on my way to breakfast. Not that I would be able to eat. Who would?

Oh, everyone apparently. The great hall was filled with eating and laughing students, no doubt planning to spend their free day goofing off or maybe catching up on some homework.

Admittedly, those people where rare.

It was after I had forced myself to eat my third spoon of oatmeal that it hit me. They didn't know.

They hadn't been told.

I glanced to the teacher table and noticed that the headmaster was missing. So was his deputy.

Well then, if they aren't going to need me for anything…

I abandoned what was left of my oatmeal and made a beeline back to my bed. Or more specifically the large chest next to my bed.

I grabbed my stuff and went to the library. I have wanted to explore it since I got here, but Ron never liked it and always dragged me away. I let him.

Now, no more Ron. No more anyone, really.

I claimed an out of the way table that was mostly out of sight and got my books out. I tried to write as neatly as possible – which was still pretty terrible – and started on what was left of my homework. Meaning all of it.

Four hours passed and I set my quill down. I hadn't worked like that since I got to Hogwarts. It almost felt good. Not that I was feeling much of anything mind you.

But enough was enough. Most of it was done and my wrist was starting to cramp, my quillmanship improved a little though. So that's something.

I put my homework away and got my defense against the dark arts book – my best subject – and started reading.

Before I knew it, the book was finished, and I heard some second year asking if they where going down to dinner yet.

That was kind of disappointing. Granted, I already finished roughly a third of the book and it was my best subject. But that's not really what I'm disappointed about anyway.

It mentioned three spells!

Three! And two of those where counter-curses.

It had the Locomotor Mortis. Also known as the leg-locker curse. And the Petrificus Totalus or full body-bind curse. The counters where both the same. The Finite or Finite Incantatem, an admittedly useful counter-spell that was only mentioned and taught in second years charms class.

Also, the book had the annoying tendency to go off on vampire tantrums.

I packed up my book and went to dinner with an annoyed scowl that was wiped off my face as I walked into the great hall.

Everything was covered in black.

Well, not the students, but you get the idea.

I sat as far away from my housemates as physically possible and looked at the headmaster.

Dumbledore watched the last students file into the great hall and noticed Harry was amongst them. He let out a sigh of relieve.

He had honestly forgotten about the boy!

It was only when the Grangers took their little girl home and the Weasleys had taken Ron to St Mungo's that he had a moment to breath and realized that Harry had completely slipped his mind.

Then he had to prepare his speech for dinner and make to proper arrangement to have the hall decked in black. When he was finally done with that it was already dinnertime.

And now here he was, looking as Harry sat himself as far away from his peers as he could. He only had a moment to worry about it when the doors of the great hall closed, signaling that all students had arrived.

"Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I'm afraid that I have a terrible announcement." The hall was instantly quieted, the headmaster rarely made speeches when it wasn't a special event. And if he did, he never started them like that.

"Last night, after the Halloween feast and the discovery of a troll in the dungeons, Ronald Weasley was gravely injured and is currently residing in St Mungo's. In this same event, I'm afraid this school suffered a terrible loss."

By now you could hear a pin drop, people where afraid to breath. Little did they know that Dumbledore was – without meaning to – projecting his magic onto the great hall. It was a heavy feeling, foreboding.

"Hermione Granger is dead." The heavy presence was lifted from the hall as Dumbledore almost fell back into his chair.

It was a subdued meal, and when it was done the students almost fled the great hall. When I saw the deputy headmistress making her way over to me, I joined them in fleeing. I had no plans to spend my evening talking about what had happened.

"Mister Potter, the headmaster would li…" Was the last I heard before I disappeared into the throng of students. The noise they made drowning out everything else. Well almost everything else. I could hear one voice, I wished I didn't.

"So that mudblood finally kicked the bucked. Good riddance to her." Was all I heard Malfoy say before his voice was drowned out again.

Now, my cousin had this misconception that I couldn't fight. And it was true that he always won whenever he was "Harry Hunting". But that was just because if I touched one hair on his head there would be hell to pay.

But it wasn't always my cousin "hunting" me. See sometimes, he was tired, or lazy, or both. And in those times his friends would chase me without him. Now on those times, I would fight back.

I lost, of course. You can never really win a three or four on one, but I fought back. And I got better. I still never won, mind you, but after a while I would get in a punch or two. And after a few years I learned the hard way what to do and not to do in a fight.

So my cousin was very wrong on the notion that I couldn't fight.

And when Malfoy opened his big mouth, rage burned through my veins.

"Malfoy." I spat his name like a curse, and when he turned around, I punched him, hard. I could feel his nose break under my fist as all my hatred, shame and grief finally broke through.

But I didn't stop. I kept punching him over and over until Dean and Seamus pulled me off him.

The entire "fight" had lasted six seconds, but it looked like Malfoy had been hit by a train.

Just then Mcgonagall came barging towards us. She took one look at Malfoy before she ordered his friends to take him to the infirmary.

"You're coming with me Potter." With that she grabbed my arm and started dragging me to gods know where.

Merlin. To Merlin knows where.

Nah, that sounds stupid.

'Oh good, my haze is back.' I caught myself thinking before we stopped in front of large, imposing, gargoyle statue.

"KitKat."

I will admit to being slightly confused as to why our deputy headmistress was telling a stone gargoyle the word "KitKat". I got even more confused that she got annoyed when a stone statue didn't do anything when it was told about the wonders of muggle candy.

"KitKat." Mcgonagall said again, now definitely annoyed. It did nothing, again. You know, like a statue…

"He must be busy." Was all I heard her mutter before I was once again being dragged across the castle like some sort of ragdoll.

She barked an order at a painting that promptly complied and scurried off. And once again we arrived at our destination, this time it was a normal office. Mcgonagall's office, I presume. I was told to sit.

We sat there in silence for a while until the door opened and Malfoy came walking through it, followed closely by Snape. I narrowed my eyes at him.

Malfoy's face was all healed, we certainly had a competent medical staff. Although, no. Malfoy was missing a tooth, the grin that wanted to spread on my face was quickly drowned out when I realized it didn't matter.

Little mattered anymore. I would get punished and nothing would change. Not until I forced it to change. And to force anyone to do anything required power. Lots of power.

But that's in the future. Now it's time to face the music, as they say.

Before I could even say a word, Malfoy began; "It was Potter professor, he just went crazy and started beating on me for no reason."

He looked at me and smirked a little, like he had won some sort of prize. I just stared back at him, saying nothing. It seemed to unnerve him a little. Good.

"Mister Potter?" Mcgonagall asked me with a raised eyebrow.

"My punishment, professor?" I asked in return. That certainly shocked her, students generally try to get out of punishment, not ask for it.

"Mister Potter?" She repeated.

"Nothing will change with me trying to defend myself or my actions, what I did was wrong and should be punished for it." I drawled. This is a waste of my time, I could be studying, getting stronger.

Mcgonagall, having longs since given up trying to understand the minds of her students, decided to just go with it. She had to remind herself that a student accepting responsibility was good, not suspicious and wrong. She took some parchment and wrote a quick note.

"Give this to Filch." She handed me the note and made a shooing motion towards the door. I bowed lightly, feeling theatrical, and made my way towards the door before a voice stopped me;

"For curiosities sake Potter, what did mister Malfoy say that had you so… Angry?" Snape asked. Well, drawled really. He's loads better at it than I am.

I consider not telling him for a moment and just walking out, but I decided against it.

"He called Hermione a mudblood that finally decided to kick the bucket, sir." I could see an unholy fire flash in Mcgonagall's eyes for a moment before it was gone, and the stern yet fair professor was back. Snape didn't say or do anything, but the fact that he voiced no argument as professor Mcgonagall calmly stated that mister Malfoys punishment had yet to be decided spoke volumes.

Meanwhile, I had already left and was on my way to see Filch. The sooner I got this over with the better.

A few days passed in relative calm, mostly me doing chores for Filch and finally catching up on my homework. Now though, it was time for my first potions lesson after the "Incident", as I have started calling it.

The door opened and we all partnered up, before Professor Snape entered with his usual dramatic flair.

Normally I would be together with Ron, but Ron wasn't here. I heard that he had to spend a few more days at St Mungo's before he was allowed home. After that he wasn't going to return to school before Christmas, if not later.

So when Seamus and Dean stuck together like glue, I was left with Neville. Well fuck me then.

Snape flicked his wand on the board and the potion's name, ingredients and instructions appeared. I whispered to Neville;

"Make sure our equipment is clean, I'll get out ingredients." He shot me a grateful look before starting to wipe and wash the scales and caldron with fever. I just shook my head. Whoever was normally partnered with Neville probably never let him do anything for fear of him messing something up.

When I got back with our ingredients, I noticed out equipment appeared spotless. Good. This may not be as bad as I first thought.

When I looked to the board to read the instructions, I noticed they were somewhat off. The instructions where correct, mind you, but differed somewhat from the book. I got my book from my backpack and skimmed it.

The instructions on the board would produce an adequate potion, but it would never be perfect. I don't know if Snape did it on purpose or not, but when I told Neville to ignore the board and read from my book, Snape said nothing.

When Neville went to cut his ingredients, I stopped him;

"You're holding the knife wrong." He looked fearful for a moment until he noticed I wasn't angry.

I managed to hold back a sigh and showed him how to hold it correctly. Then how to cut the ingredients correctly. Then now to weigh them correctly.

So the first half of our lesson was filled with me correcting Neville on the tiniest of things. He did learn, thank god, just slowly.

When it was time to add the ingredients and I had to stop Neville on three separate occasions from adding the wrong thing, to adding it too soon or not adding it at all, I got exasperated. Finally, I decided to just ask him.

"Why are you here Neville?" He hung his head in shame and mumbled something.

"What was that?"

"I know I don't belong at Hogwarts." It was said with such sadness that even I felt bad for him, until that was drowned out by the haze.

"Not that." I waved it away. "I mean here, in potions?" He appeared to have no answer to that. When it became clear I was waiting for one anyway he mumbled again, I just raised my eyebrow.

"Because I have to be?" He offered/asked.

"Really? Because I'm here to learn potions. I'm not here for professor Snape, or because I would fail if I didn't show up. I'm here because I want to learn." I paused for a second to look at him. "Why are you here, Neville?"

After my little speech, Neville appeared to become slightly less nervous and his hand less shaky. He still froze up whenever Snape would drop by and loom right behind us, but in the end we managed to produce a decent potion.

After class Neville shot me a grateful look and shot off to somewhere. I shrugged, he could do what he wanted with his free time.

I was going to spend my break in the library, Snape did just give us a rather long homework essay after all.

The new chapter, enjoy.

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