Chapter Eight - Mystery

"Are you nervous?"

"Not at all."

"Stop trying to lie to me, it won't work." Akkarin's smile was audible as he spoke and Sonea almost turned her head to see it but she resisted. Because if she turned, he would be able to see her face just as clearly as she would see his and then he would read it like an open book with very large letters.

"Stop trying to interrogate me, then," she replied instead and loosened her grip on the arms of the chair. Her fingers were starting to hurt and it had not had the desired effect to calm her nerves.

The corridor outside the Administrator's office had never seemed so empty to her. She had been here often enough and there always had been the odd magician or servant around. She had never thought it possible for any place in the Guild to be so quiet. So quiet, even, that she dared not speak at a normal volume so as not to disturb the silence, while Akkarin obviously was immune to that sort of intimidation. But he had always had that aura of authority which she herself lacked.

They had been summoned that morning because the King had arrived and was ready to witness their vows. While they were waiting on the corridor the King and the Higher Magicians were refining the exact wording of the vows the black magicians were to speak to be readmitted to the Guild.

"I can see you are nervous, Sonea, I simply thought it would be polite to ask first. Is it the oath?"

She shook her head. "I'm not afraid of oaths any more. I've taken – and broken – too many. It's the kneeling." She stole a glance at him and immediately regretted it. "Stop laughing, it's not funny!"

"You, of all people. Broke Guild law, went into exile, saved the Allied Lands, defeated by a formality. You'll forgive me if I find that perfectly ironic."

She poked him in the shoulder, which apparently did not impress him enough to stop grinning. "Are you serious? Look at these!" She pointed accusingly at the crutches leaning against the side of her chair. "I have to use these for a reason. Can you imagine me going down to one knee and getting up again without help? It's going to be seriously painful, not to mention incredibly humiliating."

His immediately sober expression almost fooled her. He said, "I'll be there the whole time. If you need help, just shout for me."

She gave him a look that was supposed to convey her annoyance but the door opened and they were called inside.

While she repeated the words Lord Balkan read out to them, sentence by sentence, Sonea took the chance to look around the room out of the corners of her eyes. The King sat in his chair by the window and had barely moved at all since the black magicians had entered, merely nodding his approval when Osen had told them to kneel, which had been even more painful than Sonea had expected.

The only surprise was that Rothen was here, standing in a corner with the other… were they the Heads of Studies? They must be. Did that mean that Rothen had been, well, promoted?

A part of her mind noticed and memorised the words of the vow but she was mostly not actually paying attention. So when Osen declared Akkarin and her members of the Magicians' Guild of Kyralia, she was a little unprepared. In the last moment she managed to bow her head and mumble something about gratitude, then she was faced with a whole new challenge.

Hesitating, she considered her options. She could try to simply grit her teeth and endure the pain or she could ask Akkarin…

"May I help?"

At first, she was so relieved that she took the offered hand without thinking but then she recognised to whom it belonged. King Merin smiled down the length of his extended arm at her. He pulled her to her feet and steadied her with his free hand, waiting for her to regain her balance.

Before Sonea so much as managed to produce a "thank you" the King had already already leaned closer to her and said, very quietly: "Only a fragment of the debt I owe to you."

She blinked and barely had the time to process what had just happened when Merin was gone and Akkarin had taken his place by her side. Sonea took his arm and pulled him down so he was closer to her height. "You will tell me what I missed. Tonight."

He looked a little paler than usual but he nodded nonetheless. "Very well. I will. I promise."

"Thank you." She could tell that he did not want to give in but she decided that just this once she would not care. After this, she would do anything, anything to make him happy, anything to make it up to him. But tonight she had to be a little selfish for a change. Still, she regretted having to force him. She would probably regret it even more later.

"Sonea." Rothen had left his place in the corner and was apparently trying hard not to stare at Akkarin, who had immediately edged closer to her.

"Hello, Rothen." For some reason she felt guilty, and almost apologised for whatever she might have done but she resisted the urge. Instead, she straightened her back and tried to look as if she was standing on her own feet.

Akkarin ever so gently placed a hand on her back for a moment. "Please excuse me, I have a few messages to send."

Sonea could read his eyes well enough to know that he was tempted to plant a kiss on her cheek just to clarify his point. She managed to discourage that by giving him a look that was known to scare little children in the streets but only seemed to amuse him. Then she said, "Could you let my family know I'm alive? And Cery too - they haven't heard from me in months."

"Of course. I will see you tonight." Try as he might, he could not make it sound as if he was looking forward to it.

Osen was shooing everybody out of the room now, so Sonea and Rothen found themselves on the other side of the closed door. Sonea was, very unsuccessfully, pretending she was not about to faint from exhaustion.

Unfortunately, her former guardian noticed. "Let's sit outside for a moment," he said and led her to a bench in the Courtyard where she sank down with such obvious relief that Rothen asked her twice if she was alright, not believing her when she tried to assure them she was.

"So," he began finally after they had sat in silence for some time, which had given Sonea just enough time to catch her breath. "You are back then."

She nodded. "I'm just glad we weren't sent to Sachaka again. Neither of us would have survived that very long."

"We couldn't send you away. The Guild – and the Allied Lands – need you, no matter how little some of us like it. Besides, it would have been inhumanly cruel."

"Maybe. But I would almost understand it. We are a threat."

Rothen did not say anything against that, probably because there was nothing reassuring to say. Sonea was right, and they both knew it. The thought was not new to her, either, she had considered this over and over in the days before the Hearing. If just enough magicians had thought that way, she and Akkarin would have faced anything from being imprisoned for life to execution.

"Now, would you like to tell me what is going on here?" Rothen asked suddenly, so suddenly that Sonea jumped. The tone of his voice made her feel like a little child guilty of some mischief who is questioned by a parent knowing exactly what has happened but waiting for the child to admit it before scolding. Her aunt – and her mother before her, she remembered – had asked the same question often enough when Sonea had been little.

"What do you mean?" she asked back, although she was almost sure she knew. He had seen how Akkarin acted around her, had probably read her own behaviour as well. I surround myself with men who know me far too well, she thought. Maybe I should consider that the next time I try to hide something.

Of course, Rothen did not fall for that. He'd had a little son, too. He simply waited, and of course, Sonea gave up. She sighed and looked at the sky so she didn't have to look at Rothen when she told him.

"There is no reason to be angry at anybody," she said and hoped against better knowledge that it would make a difference. If she was honest, it took all her self-control not to raise her chin like a defiant child. "I am a grown woman and it was my decision."

"Your decision," Rothen echoed, sounding more than a little angry and disappointed, and unfortunately Sonea could not really blame him. There was quite a difference between her secretly being kissed by his son by the Spring and getting herself expelled from the Allied Lands with the man who had threatened to kill her once or twice.

"We couldn't help it. There was too much time to think about… things." Gods, this was turning out to be the worst explanation she had ever given, and would probably turn out to be the worst apology she had ever made, which certainly meant something because she had made a lot of terrible excuses in her time.

"I didn't plan for this," she added in a badly concealed attempt to turn this conversation around somehow. "It just sort of… happened."

"Well," Rothen said after some time, and something about his voice made her feel like she had been punched in the stomach. "I imagine you know that I do not approve, or you would have told me before. Still, there is no need to keep secrets. I am beyond glad that you're back and I will not allow anything to keep you away from me again."

Forgive me, fandom, for I have procrastinated. Deepest regret.

Love,

Jojo