Chapter Ten - Mending

The next week passed in a sort of formal informality. To any uninformed onlooker, the way Sonea and Akkarin interacted might have seemed casual especially compared to their behaviour before they had been expelled from the Guild but Sonea felt the difference and deeply resented it. At first, she had not dared approach him because there was something between them, like a wall that had not been there before and that kept them apart. And then she was not even sure if she could still take the first step or if Akkarin would push her away again, to keep the distance that was between them even when they stood side by side.

She did not leave their apartment very often; although she could handle the crutches well enough by now to navigate between the countless boxes in their guestroom without accidents she found that longer distances still defeated her. She was growing more frustrated and irritated by the hour and had no idea what to do against it.

They spent the largest part of their days trying to turn what at the moment looked like a warehouse into an actually inhabitable room, which meant they had to go through all their combined belongings sorting and stacking the books against the walls for lack of shelves, and very slowly turning the apartment into something that could have been a home had they not found this alien wall separating them from each other.

When Rothen asked her to dinner with him one night, Sonea was endlessly glad to have a chance to escape.

She mastered the stairs as well as she could – slowly, one step at a time, bracing all her weight on her good leg and the handrail – and very gratefully fell into a chair the very minute Tania had opened the door for her. The servant took one look at her and clicked her tongue disapprovingly.

"Now you don't look too healthy, my lady."

"Thank you, Tania, that is exactly what I wanted to hear." Sonea was out of breath and already channelling Healing power to her aching leg, she was not exactly in the best of moods.

The servant just frowned, then said, "Rothen hasn't returned from classes yet, but he will be here any minute. He'll be very happy to see you."

She hesitated before adding, "He misses you terribly, you know?"

Sonea sighed. "I know, but I'm afraid there's not much I can do about it, at least not at the moment. I miss him too."

Tania shook her head and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like "magicians!" but to Sonea's relief didn't comment any further. Instead, she pressed a glass of raka into Sonea's hand and distracted her with easy gossip from the servants' quarters and didn't seem to mind that she had to support the conversation almost by herself. For the first time in days, Sonea relaxed.

When Rothen finally came, she could feel his concern for her almost radiating from him but he did not say anything either. His warm smile came only a heartbeat too late but she forgave him for that – even without Tania's earlier comment, she would have known that she looked far too much like a ghost. She returned the smile as well as she could and started to rise but he waved her off and took a seat opposite her.

"You barely look healthy enough to stand."

"I'm fine, I promise. It was just the stairs."

"If you want me to, I can accompany you down when you leave later."

She shook her head. "Thank you, but I need to challenge myself every once in a while or it will never get any better. I can't be stuck to my room forever, can I?" She had tried to sound lighthearted, even joking, but there was definitely an edge of resentment in her voice as she spoke.

"No, I don't suppose you can," Rothen agreed absentmindedly and suddenly Sonea was aware that they had barely seen and talked to each other for more than a year due to a wide range of complications. Both of their lives had progressed in one way or the other and, speaking for herself, she was sure this progress would not be too easy to explain or justify. She had made too many choices, too many decisions that Rothen would probably not agree with and she did not regret a single one. But there were bound to be arguments between her and her former guardian and, judging by the atmosphere right now, they would not wait much longer.

Tania had set out the meal on the table between them, quietly working as if not to disturb a conversation that did not exist. Now she waited for Rothen to dismiss her, or ask her to stay; she seemed to be trembling with things she wanted to say.

Sonea took the opportunity of silence lingering in the room like an unpleasant scent. "I fear I must apologise to both of you," she said as lightly as she could. "I am a very quiet guest tonight. The last few months weren't easy."

"You have no apologies to make," Rothen objected. "I should not have asked you to come so bluntly, surely you have not settled in yet."

How like him to know that at once. Perhaps he did still know her, and it was she who had grown a stranger. She could smile and say yes, she was still getting used to being back in the Guild, or she could tell him truthfully that there was much more to her melancholy mood.

"It is strange," she admitted. "There are a few differences between an apartment in the Guild and the Sachakan wastelands."

He smiled at her joke, weak as it had been, and thankfully did not pursue the topic any further. Instead, he told Tania to retire for the night and waited for the servant to leave. "If you do not want to talk about what… happened in the last few months today, I understand. However, we must speak of it someday, for both our sakes."

Relief flooded over her and she nodded in agreement even before a clear thought entered her mind. "Thank you. It's very kind of you."

"Nonsense. I suppose we must all come to terms with what happened before discussing it with others, and you have a lot more to think about than most."

Only I do not remember most of it, she thought but she would not tell him that, at least not now. Although she now at least had an idea of what she didn't remember, thinking about it too much made her feel almost dizzy.

For the rest of the evening, Rothen distracted her from her own, glum thoughts by sharing amusing anecdotes about novices he had taught, some of whom had become teachers themselves and had taught classes Sonea had attended. Before she knew what was happening, she found herself grinning and even laughing easily. She had not realised how much she had missed this.

When, a few hours later, she excused herself and assured Rothen that she really felt well enough to manage the stairs on her own, she was more at ease than she had expected. She had accepted maybe one more glass of wine than she should have but for once she did not regret it; the alcohol numbed the pain and somehow made the steps easier. She now knew exactly what she had to do as soon as she reached the apartment. It was almost as if Rothen's distraction had cleared her mind.

As she had expected, she found Akkarin seated in the chair by the window with a glass of wine of his own and a book in his hands. It was obvious that he had not truly been reading, though, his eyes were fixed on a point far away from the pages. If it had not been for that look in his eyes, he might have been High Lord Akkarin once again, distant, aloof and intimidating.

He jumped when she spoke.

"This has to stop. Right now." Her crutches landed on the floor without ceremony and she took the few steps towards him on her own despite her shaking knees.

"I have spent the last week trying to work out what I could do to see you be yourself again and I could not think of anything. I'm done with subtlety now," she announced. "I think you know what I am talking about."

He looked at her in a strange way as he rose and put book and glass aside, then relief spread across his face. "I did not realise you might feel this way, too – I thought I should give you space after what I said and did."

"Well, this only proves that your senses cannot be as sharp as everyone assumes. I have definitely not needed space." She felt so incredibly like herself again now that she had said it, almost as if all the weakness she had experienced in the last months had never existed. In this moment, she was strong. She held out a hand for him to take. "Rather the opposite."

He ignored her hand and drew her completely into his arms, burying his face in her hair and holding her so tightly she feared she might suffocate but she did not protest. It felt too good. One of his hands found the small of her back and gently rested there as support while his other arm circled her shoulders.

Regrettably, she had to pull away at some point. "I'm sorry," she said, and she really was. "But I'm afraid we both need to sit down."

Her own breathing was not going easily and she thought she could almost hear his heart struggling to keep up.

He did not let go of her completely, though, not just yet. "We should have talked about this. We could have spared ourselves a week of torment."

She nodded. "Let's not let it happen again."

"Certainly not."

"Good. Can I please sit down now? Or I might faint." How easy it was to admit that with him although it was so difficult with others. She had not liked to show Rothen that she was even mildly uncomfortable after climbing the stairs, and here she stood telling Akkarin that she was thoroughly exhausted.

"Hmmm. We cannot have that. How bad is the pain?" he asked quietly, a question he would probably ask many times before this was over and done with.

"Very. But manageable."

"Let's get ourselves comfortable then." He hesitated for the briefest of moments. "I would prefer you not to sleep alone tonight."

"Well," she said, trying to contain the joy that they were finally properly mending the shards of their relationship. "I was hoping you'd ask."