Ch 6
Ashley makes her way into a group counseling session after discussing it with her mother, and deciding to give it a try. She poked her head in the room, and it was exactly as she imagined. There was a circle of chairs in the middle of the room. Some of the people were sitting down, some were standing around with their coffee in hand while waiting for the session to start. Immediately Ashley moved towards the table of coffee and doughnuts, making herself a cup. She wasn't sure what would come out of today's session, but she tried to remain optimistic. Maybe this would help and maybe it won't, but at least Ashley was trying and it's a step in the right direction. The groups therapist noticed Ashley, and came over to introduce herself.
"You must be new, hi I'm Dr. Freeman." she said shaking Ashley's hand.
"Hi, I'm Ashley."
"Ashley welcome. Now since this is your first day, you can share as much as you feel comfortable or of course feel free to just listen."
"Okay, sounds great."
"Alright everyone, are we ready to begin?" Dr. Freeman called out, and everyone took their seats.
There were many different people there. Men, women, young, old, and all with their own story. A man in his seventies named Arthur lost his wife, Mae to cancer a year ago. They've been married for fifty-two years, and he's expressed feeling alone without her. Another man lost his teenage son in a car accident. One woman lost her mom, who passed away at eighty-two in a nursing home. At the moment, the group is listening to Janet, a woman who lost her husband in 9/11.
"I can't believe it's been eighteen years already. Somedays it feels like it just happened. I think about Sam a lot when things are stressful or when I'm alone at night. He was always good at getting me through those times and it's when I miss him the most."
Those words definitely rang true with Ashley. She could relate to missing her wife during tough times. More than anything Ashley hated feeling alone, especially at night when she wanted to roll over and hold Jessica in her arms, but she couldn't. Many of these people felt the same way, and it comforted Ashley to know she wasn't alone. This group of people seemed really nice. She only wished they could have met under happier circumstances. As everyone was going around telling their stories, the group was listening to Arthur.
"My Mae was sick for a long time...and I knew it was coming, but when she finally passed it just hit me like a ton of bricks. Even without the cancer, at this age you try to prepare yourself for the possibility that something might happen to one of you. Now that something has happened, it still feels like I got the wind knocked out of me."
Ashley silently wiped away tears listening to a fellow widow. She felt for Arthur listening to the pain inside of him losing his life partner. It seems no matter how hard you try to be prepared, you're never ready to lose someone you love. It's been an emotional morning thus far with everyone sharing their loss. Ashley mostly shared the basics, that Jessica died in a car accident and that they had a baby boy she is now raising alone. Soon the session was over and Ashley is out in the hall, talking more to Janet.
"Hey there, Kiddo."
"Hi Janet, right?"
"Yeah hi, it's nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too." Ashley said. "Uhm...I'm sorry about your husband. I remember how horrible that day was. I imagine it was much harder for you...sorry, I don't really know how to do this."
"It's okay, Sweetie. It takes practice for all of us." Janet said touching her arm.
"So...does this sinking, hollow feeling ever get easier?" Ashley asked.
"I think at some point it gets easier to fake it." Janet said and both women chuckled.
"I don't think you ever stop missing them. It sounds cliche, but the only thing that seems to help is time. Each day it becomes easier to get back to normal, maybe you force yourself for your own sanity."
"Yeah, there's definitely been a lot of that going on." Ashley said. "Then I end up feeling guilty. like if I go a moment without thinking about her or if I've had a good day it's like I've forgotten about her."
"Oh never, Sweetie." Janet told her placing a hand on her shoulder. "She'll be with you no matter what. Being happy is what they'd want."
It's the main thing Ashley has been telling herself, and what others have been telling her. Of course she knew it was true. Jessica would want nothing more than for Ashley to be as happy as she could be, even if she wasn't there.
"You'll do fine."
"Thank you." Ashley nodded. "I'm really glad I came today."
"You think you'll come back?"
"Yeah, probably. I'll see you around, Janet."
"Bye, bye. Nice again to meet you."
Ashley nodded before parting ways. She was satisfied over all with how this counseling session worked out. The day was emotional, but really comforting. It was nice to hear from others who have the same feelings she is having, and nice for someone to give her perspective on the future.
As the plane landed in Wisconsin, Ashley, Madelyn, and Charlie made their way to rent a car and head up to Madelyn's parent's place in Middleton. For awhile they've needed a change of scenery, and Ashley's grandparents haven't been back to Atlanta since Charlie was born. She and Jessica grew up in this town, and have many memories here. Ashley can remember when she moved here from the other side of Wisconsin when she was in middle school, and she met Jessica on her first day. Ashley found her to be kind and gentle from day one. She was the first friend Ashley made, and the one who helped her get through eight grade. In middle school, you struggle to figure out who you are, to fit in, and it was like you had to become a different person in this environment. With Jessica it was never complicated or fake, and Ashley could just relax and be herself. It's a big part of what made Ashley and Jessica fall in love.
Madelyn pulled up to her parent's house, still with the same wide front porch her father liked to sit on in the spring, and her mother's flowers growing in the garden. As they got out of the car, Madelyn's father, Martin came out to greet them.
"Hey Honey, how've you been? How was your trip?"
"Great Dad, everything went fine. The flight wasn't any trouble at all."
Madelyn and Ashley both hugged the older man before he came over to coo at the baby.
"Hey there, Charlie. Look how big you are now."
The little one smiled at his great grandfather as they all made their way inside. Madelyn's mother, Catherine is just pouring her tea as she welcomes her family.
"It's so good to see you again." She said greeting everyone.
"Hi there baby boy, how are you?" Catherine says kissing Charlie.
Catherine and Martin have lived here their whole lives. Catherine was a school nurse at the highschool for 25yrs, and Martin worked for a construction company. The two have long since retired and now they're just enjoying their time together. Madelyn loved growing up here with her family, her friends, and all the sights and nature here to see. There are all kinds of parks to take quiet walk in, and the trolley to take you around to see the town. Catherine has just about gotten lunch ready, and the family is ready to sit around the kitchen and catch up.
"So it's been quite awhile since the funeral. How've you been doing, Honey?" Catherine asked Ashley.
"I've been taking it one day at a time. I went back to work about two weeks ago."
"That's good. Sounds like things are starting to return to normal...ya know, as much as they can be." Catherine said and Ashley nodded.
That's all that could be done as of now. To just take everything day by day, and face the reality in front of them. Ashley knew her grandmother meant well and wanted the best for her, but it still hurt to be reminded that Jessica was gone. Soon lunch is finished and the family went to spend some time outside. Charlie sat on a blanket among his toys, and he is now able to stand. He can walk a little if he is holding onto something, but the little guy is determine trying everyday. Ashley is glad to see Charlie always smiling and happy. It's what got her through everyday seeing him in high spirits, and Charlie always had hugs and kisses for his momma. Martin is playing with Charlie and his bucket to place shapes through, while Ashley watches their interactions. Madelyn is sitting behind her daughter, and check in on her.
"You doing alright, Sweetheart?"
"Yeah, I'm okay." Ashley turns and nods.
"If you need to I can watch Charlie while you take a walk."
"Thank you, Mom. I'm okay right now."
Later that night while everyone is asleep, Ashley is laying awake next to her sleeping son all snuggled up in his Paw Patrol blanket. Ashley is up watching a video on her phone she took of her and Jessica. It was the day the two of them came back from the doctor, and found out they were having a boy. In the video, Ashley is filming while laying next to her wife.
"Hey there Mommy. So whatcha got there?"
"It's a sonogram photo of our sweet baby boy." Jessica said showing the photo.
Ashley layed her hand on Jessica's pregnant belly, feeling their some within. The two shared a kiss while exchanging 'I love yous'.
"Hello in there, little man. You're mommy and I can't wait to meet you."
Ashley watched the video the whole time crying. She missed so much hearing her wife's voice, and being with her, being able to kiss her goodnight. These videos and pictures of Jessica were all she had now. Many happy memories frozen in time to bring back all they shared together. Soon from beside her, Ashley heard a little voice say 'mommy'. Ashley looked to see Charlie with his head on his momma's shoulder watching the video, and reaching out towards the phone. Charlie has had some babbles before, but this was the first clearly spoken word from him. Ashley smiled, kissing the top of his head.
"Yeah Honey, that's your mommy."
More than anything, Ashley wanted to make sure Charlie knew Jessica and that his mommy was a wonderful woman who loved him very much. She kept watching the video until the two of them drifted off to sleep.
The next day after everyone had lunch, Ashley took her mom up on her offer to watch Charlie while she took a walk. Although last night was emotional for her, being back in this quiet little town has made Ashley feel serene. Like she was able to finally settle down and regain some composure. It was nice to revisit the place of her childhood, and see some old friends who lived around town. Along her walk, Ashley decided to stop by a place she and Jessica spent much of their alone time together. At the edge of the road, there was a dock by the water that was quiet and unoccupied by others who were fishing. It is just the place Ashley needs to be to reconnect with those happy memories with her love. When she got there, she was met by workmen rebuilding the dock. It was mostly done and they were just finishing up replacing the boards at the very end of the dock. The old wood was piled up in a dumpster ready to be hauled away, and Ashley sat on a nearby bench feeling a bit defeated. Of course it wasn't like the dock was being taken away completely, just rebuilt but it still felt like a part of her memory was being taken away. Those boards could tell many stories of all who walked on them if they could talk. All who have come by to feed the ducks or watch the sunset, and of course all the time Ashley and Jessica spent there. This was where the two of them shared their first kiss, the first time they said 'I love you', and a place where they could be alone and share their most intimate secrets. Now these new boards would have to tell of their own. Soon one of the workers came up to Ashley, and it was a young man she recognized.
"Hey Ashley."
"Austin? Hey how are you? " Ashley said greeting him with a hug.
"I'm doing good; how are you? When did you get back to town?"
"Yesterday. We came to visit my grandparents." Ashley explained.
Austin is an old friend Ashley and Jessica knew in middle school. He was part of their friend group all through highschool, and they haven't seen him since the wedding. He was now working for his dad's construction company and is enjoying this job so far.
"I heard about what happened to Jessica. I'm really sorry."
"Thank you." Ashley said.
Austin caught Ashley staring at the wood in the dumpster, and hopped up to grab something.
"Oh, I almost forgot."
He walked over to the tree and came back with one of the old boards, handing it to Ashley. It was the board she and Jessica etched their initials into. She had almost forgotten about this until now and the gesture really meant alot to her.
"I didn't know when I'd see you again. I was going to hold onto it until I could get it to you."
"Wow Austin, thank you. This really means a lot."
Ashley was grateful that she could hang onto this part of their story. Even though things change, she could still hold onto to her precious memories for the past.
That night after the dock was finished, Ashley was able to revisit it. While walking onto it out towards the water and quietly watching the sunset, this place evoked the same feeling in her. The dock itself is new but this is still the same place that always brought Ashley peace. She sat on the edge and layed back looking at the sky, feeling more whole than she has in a long while. As the sun was going down and more stars began to appear, Ashley stared up at them as she did many times with Jessica. In this place, it felt like her love was still with her. She never wanted to let that feeling go and never wanted to leave this dock. Surley she'd have to come home and visit more often. Ashley made a promise to herself that she would hold all those important in her life as close as possible, and let them know how special they are. Even though she couldn't take this dock back to Atlanta with her, fortunately those start she is staring at would follow her anywhere.
This has been a great trip for Ashley and Madelyn. The change of scenery did both of them good and it was nice for them to visit family. The car was packed up to head to the airport, and the family is sitting down to dinner before saying goodbye.
"This roast came out really good, Mom." Madelyn told Catherine.
"Oh thanks, Honey. It's been awhile since we've had a big dinner like this. No sense getting a whole roast for just me and your dad. It was nice to have a family dinner here."
"We'll definitely have to do it again." Madelyn said.
"Yeah, don't be a stranger." Martin told her. "Without you here, your mother makes me go shopping with her, and then we have to watch that singing show where they spin around in chairs."
"The Voice." Madelyn confirmed.
"Yeah, that one. When you're here, Mom has more to do and she's not bugging me."
"Oh, you stop." Catherine laughed swatting his shoulder.
"Well, thank you for having us, Nana." Ashley said.
"Of course, Sweetie. You guys are welcome anytime. Be sure to hug and kiss this little guy for me." Catherine says kissing Charlie.
"No problem."
They all clean up after dinner and give one last hug and kiss goodbye. It was nice being back here to refresh, and remember all the good times had here. On their flight home, Ashley thought about how much she'd like to come back and visit. She knew there were plenty of happy memories to come back to, and she'd never have to worry about forgetting Jessica.
It was early morning here and very quiet when Ashley arrived at the cemetery with yellow daisies in her hand. She hasn't visited Jessica's grave in awhile, and it's been long overdue. She knelt down by the headstone reading her wife's name, 'Jessica Lorraine Smith-Jones', and laid the flowers in front of it. She sat their quietly not knowing what to say at first, then just spoke from the heart.
"Hi Baby. I know it's been awhile since I've come by here...but I promise it won't be so long next time." Ashley sighed. "I miss you, Sweetheart. It hurts going to bed without you, and waking up without you, and I really miss you. Charlie is getting so big. He'll be walking any day now. Everytime I look at him I see you, and I think it's what has gotten me through all of this." Ashley says wiping away tears.
"You've been the best, most special part of my life. I wish we got to have more time, but I'll never, ever regret knowing you and being in love with you because you have made my life better, so thank you, Baby." Ashley said blowing her a kiss.
As she is about to get up, Ashley hears footsteps behind her and saw Beca and Aubrey walking up to her. Soon to be followed by the rest of the girls who all came with flowers.
"Hey, I thought we'd find you here." Beca told Ashley.
"Hey, you're all here." Ashley said looking at all her friends.
The girls greeted Ashley with a hug, and placed their flowers on Jessica's grave. Their fallen friend was a part of all of them, shown clearly by all the flowers among her resting place. Ashley is comforted to see the impact Jessica has made on those around her, and to see how loved she is. The Bellas have stuck by Ashley through all of this, and it made her feel like she could move forward in good time.
"What do you say with all of us here, we go have breakfast together?" Aubrey suggested.
The girls all went to the cafe down the street for breakfast, caught up on their lives over the past few months, and reminisced about old times. This was a good feeling for Ashley to be among friends and laugh together. She would always miss Jessica, but with her friends around to remember the good times, she didn't have to worry about forgetting them.
After their meeting, Ashley and Janet went to lunch and were getting to know each other better. Janet talked to her about Sam and how they met after college, and their first date was at a Fourth of July carnival. They had fun enjoying hot dogs, pretzels, and a firework show on the beach. She still had the stuffed dog he won her at one of the game stands. Ashley then talked about she and Jessica's first date.
"We were fourteen when we started dating so my mom drove us to the movies, and we saw 'Finding Nemo', and then we ate at the buffet next to the theater. I remember her eating a brownie with a fork."
"Really?" Janet chuckled.
"Yeah, I told her how dainty the looked eating her brownie, and she laughed. I was so nervous to go out with her. I kept hoping I was making a positive impression on her."
"Well obviously you have." Janet told her. "From everything you've told me, it seems like she adored you."
Ashley nodded. She's always felt adored by her wife, even from the time they were young.
"When Jessica and I were in middle school, I was much heavier back then. Sometimes it felt like my weight was the only thing people could see. The other girls tormented me to the point where I didn't want to go to school. Jessica never saw me as the fat girl; like it never even occured to her. My mom and other people in my life meant well, but I would always hear suggestions to lose weight because it would make me feel better. I think Jessica was the first person to really see me for who I was."
Ashley cried at the memory, while Janet took her hand.
"She sounds like she was really special."
"She was." Ashley nodded. "I feel very lucky to have had her all these years. For so long after the accident I asked why this had to happen. I hoped to wake up and this would all be a bad dream. I'd wish that I could start over, and go back to a time before any of this happened. But we can't go back and that's just the way it is. It's been remembering how lucky I am that Jessica was in my life that's been helping me through the past couple months."
"I definitely know what that's like." Janet said. "9/11 has taken so much from me, and from many people. I was angry for a long time that Sam was there to help people, and it cost him his life. I had to learn to hang on to all those good times that made me feel happy to be with him."
"Being happy sounds really good. I've been trying to work on that."
"You'll get there, Sweetie."
The two finished their lunch and left with a hug. Ashley and Janet have become good friends who could really understand what the other was going through. Ashley is at the point of accepting the situation as it is, and maybe someday she could truly feel happy again.
That evening Ashley took Charlie to visit with Ed and Evelyn. The two ladies sat and had tea, while Ed watched Charlie play with his toys. Evelyn told Ashley about how Ed has been back to work for awhile now, and that they've had a mostly quiet weekend. Ashley spoke a little about her grief counseling, and how it's been a comfort to talk with this group. While they talked, Ashley and Evelyn watched Ed interact with his grandson, laughing and smiling with the little boy. The man hasn't smiled like that in awhile, and it seems the time with Charlie is exactly what he needed.
Ever since this whole mess happened, Evelyn has had plenty of worry for everyone. Worry for Ashley, worry for Charlie, and a lot of worry for her husband. Ed was used to being a strong, stoic figure who took care of his family. When Jessica died he focused on taking care of Evelyn and being strong for her. He didn't like to talk about his feelings, but Evelyn knew how much he has been hurting. Lately the couple has found themselves getting back to their routine. Ed is back to work, and Evelyn has gotten a lot done organizing the house, and following her to do lists. She and Ed have even had dinner out a couple of nights this week. Evelyn knew Jessica would want them to enjoy their lives and not spend all their time being sad. They still very much miss her, but knew it was time to get back to normal. While Ashley is feeding Charlie his dinner she is talking to Ed, who is looking like he is more at ease these days.
"So this little guy is certainly getting big."
"Yeah, he's already grown out of his first high chair, so I got the next size up."
"How many teeth is he up to now?"
"He's got four, along with another one starting to push through." Ashley told him.
"Time sure flies by quickly; doesn't it?"
"Yeah, I can't believe he's going to be a year old soon." Ashley said.
"It's been good to see you." Ed told Ashley. "Being with you and Charlie, I feel like I don't have to miss Jessica so much."
"I know how you feel." Ashley nodded. "It's been good to have Charlie around family."
It meant a lot to Ashley to hear Ed express his gratitude towards her. She always wanted Jessica's parents to know how much she loved her.
"I feel like my daughter was really lucky and that you've been a wonderful addition to our family."
"Thank you, Sir." Ashley said in tears.
The two shared a brief hug while it comforted Ashley to know her father in law truly appreciated her. She really liked Ed and Evelyn, and it made her happy that she and Jessica's relationship was always accepted by them. She knew how it could have been. Many gay kids have had struggles with their families after coming out and a lot to overcome, but these two always saw the girls as two people in love and deserved to be together. Ashley felt good knowing her parents would remember their daughter as someone who lived a life where she had a wonderful, close family who dearly loved her.
It's the end of the day, and Ashley has just given Charlie a bath and is getting him ready for bed. Ashley and Madelyn have discussed that she is doing better now, and it's time for Madelyn to return home. Ashley has enjoyed her mother's company during this time, but it was time now to return to their normal lives. Ashley has gotten Charlie into his pajamas while Madelyn is packing up her things.
"I can still stay longer if you need me to."
"No Mom, it's okay." Ashley chuckled. "I'll be fine here on my own."
"Well ya know, I still worry. It's what Moms do."
"I know, Mom." Ashley smiled hugging her.
"Thank you for everything."
"You're welcome, Sweetheart. Call me if you need anything."
"I will, I love you."
"I love you, too."
She bid her mother goodbye, and Ashley was on her own again. She picked up Charlie and took him to his room to put him to bed. Ashley sat with him in the rocking chair, observing him while he slowly drifted off. She is at peace holding her sleeping baby boy, while listening to the sound of his breathing. Ashley is finally at a point where she could think about Jessica without immediately crying. She would always have Jessica in her heart, and she would remain in their son's heart as well. Ashley thought about her wife while she stroked Charlie's hair, knowing that even though she is gone, Ashley would always get to hold onto the best part of her. She couldn't wait to see Charlie grow up, learn new things, and become the best he could be. No matter where life takes them, it will take them there together.
The End
Thank you for reading.