CHAPTER 26

Bruised and Battered

My breaths were coming faster and faster—so fast I was panting. If he comes any closer, I'm going to kick him in the balls. See how you like that, motherfucker. Somehow, he got ahold of my hands and was trying to tie me to the bed again. "No!" I screamed, twisting back and forth.

"Stephanie!" Someone urgently called to me. I didn't recognize the voice, but it sounded comforting. "Wake up," she said, her hands on my shoulder, gently shaking me. I jolted awake, my heart banging in my chest, and my mouth hanging open as I took in great gulps of air. My eyes darted around, looking for Durant, but I couldn't see him. The room was dim and full of shadows.

Where am I?

"You're okay, it was just a bad dream," she said softly and reached above me, turning on an overhead light. It was bright enough to see that I wasn't in the cellar anymore. I remembered waking up in the hospital earlier and felt immediate relief. As I worked to slow my breathing, I looked around the room, expecting to see Joe, but it was empty except for the nurse standing over me. She had bright red hair that could have only come from a box and I guessed she was somewhere in her fifties, but with her dark cherry lipstick and hair cut in a trendy stacked bob, she appeared younger.

She pressed a few buttons on the monitors and reviewed a paper printout. "That was some nightmare you were having." She placed one hand on her hip, causing her pink scrub top to stretch across her ample bosom. "I'm Cathy," she smiled. I could tell right away, she was one tough cookie, but there was also a kindness about her that put me at ease. "How are you feeling this evening?"

"Better." The dream was receding, and I was able to breathe easier.

She took her stethoscope from around her neck and listened to my heart. "If you're wondering where your handsome young detective is, he asked me to let you know he got called into work and he'd see you in the morning." She talked while she busied herself refilling my water pitcher. "You are one lucky girl to have so many attractive men in your life. Nurses from here to pediatrics have been coming by to get a glimpse of all those muscles." She gave me a solemn look then raised her chin and sniffed as if she'd triumphed over a great hardship. "Coming to work these past few days has been a trial, but I've managed to struggle through."

Despite the hell I'd been through, I managed a small laugh when I thought of nurses coming from far and wide to check out the Merrymen. My laugh triggered a round of coughing and tears formed in my eyes as my sore body endured the pain. After I calmed, Cathy held a straw to my lips, and I sipped the water. She set it back on the rolling table and gently rubbed my shoulder, her kind brown eyes assessing. "How's the pain?" she asked. "I can give you something more if you need it?"

I took an inventory of my body, noting the same aches and pains from earlier, but now I could add a sick stomach to the list. "I feel a little nauseous." I winced and closed my eyes, trying to steadily breathe through the discomfort.

She gave me a commiserating smile. "That's a side effect of the medicine you're on, but it'll help to get a little something in your stomach. Now that Dr. Powell's ordered the removal of your feeding tube, you'll be able to eat something more substantial and we'll increase it a little more each day." A few minutes later, the tube was out, and she was wiping my nose. "I'm also going to remove your urinary catheter," Cathy said as she repositioned the height of the bed and lifted the blanket from over my feet. "Just try to relax."

I turned away to avoid looking at her and in seconds it was out. I was relieved to have one less obstacle keeping me in this place. All I wanted was to go home, sleep in my own bed, and eat my own food whenever I wished.

After she disposed of everything, she smiled big and clapped her hands. "How does a shower sound?"

"Amazing," I said. Maybe when I was clean on the outside, I'd be clean on the inside. I slid my leg off the side of the bed ready to get on with it.

"Not so fast," she cautioned while putting her arm out to steady me. "We need to disconnect the IV tube before you can stand."

As soon as I sat up, the room started spinning. I closed my eyes, willing my head to stop going round and round. I wasn't sure I could make it to the bathroom let alone through a shower. Just sitting on the side of the bed had zapped my energy. While she covered the IV port on my hand and the incision on my chest with waterproof bandages, I focused on mustering the strength to get cleaned up. I wanted the filth from the cellar off me.

"These are all healing nicely," she said as she removed the bandages on my back, wrists, and ankles and then stepped back. "Sit here while I get everything set up in the bathroom." She walked over to the blue canvas bag on the counter. I recognized it as mine, but I had no idea how it got here or what was in it. Before I could ask, she said, "Your mother brought your purse and some of your personal items from home." She stuck her hand in the bag and pulled out my shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. My breath caught in my throat as I remembered the flimsy plan to get Durant to go to my apartment for my hair products. "Your mother said your curls require a little more than the basic shampoo and conditioner we supply here at the hospital."

Unaware she'd dredged up horrible memories, she continued setting the items on the counter and reached back inside the bag, pulling out my purple wooly socks and a pair of panties. I couldn't see which ones, but knowing my mother, she probably grabbed the pair with the fullest coverage. No thongs for her. Not that I wanted to wear a thong in the hospital. With my gown open in the back, my ass was hanging out enough as it was.

Cathy stacked everything in a pile, adding a towel and a fresh gown. After she placed everything in the bathroom, she grabbed a plastic sleeve from the counter. "Hold out your arm," she said as she pulled the waterproof sleeve over my cast and steadied me while I slid off the bed. By the time I had both feet on the floor my legs were shaking, and I was out of breath.

She put her shoulder under my arm pit, bearing my weight as I took my first step. As we walked by the bathroom mirror, I caught my first glimpse of myself, and shrieked. I looked like an extra from the Walking Dead. Cathy tried to keep going, but my feet were glued to the floor. I studied my face. My eyes were swollen and bloodshot, but at least now I could see out of my right one. There were also scratches scattered across my face and bruises in various states of healing. I was a hodge podge of yellow, black, and blue—maybe even a little purple thrown in to help round out the ROY G BIV I had going on.

I lifted my hand to touch my hair. Curls were sticking up at odd angles. I think someone had tried to wash it without using conditioner and when it dried it did—this. Not to be vain, but I cringed when I thought of Joe and Ranger seeing my hair in this condition. I tried smoothing it, but I don't know why I bothered, the curls kept springing back. Nothing would save me except to wash it with the right products and hope for the best.

I caught Cathy's wary expression in the mirror. She was probably worried I'd break down in a puddle of tears, but as far as I was concerned, nothing could be worse than what I'd already lived through.

She untied my gown in the back and before it fell away, I tightened my arms against my side, holding it in place. My face reddened as I remembered the humiliation of having to stay naked day in and day out while Durant remained clothed and watching me. Cathy sensed my unease and started chattering to soothe my inner turmoil. I didn't try to follow her words. Instead, I listened to the tone of her voice and finally started to relax. I lowered my arms, allowing the gown to drop to the floor. It took every bit of my willpower not to cower. "Hold my hand until you get seated," she said.

I took her hand, and by the time I was seated on the plastic chair in the shower, my heart was racing from the effort. She turned the water on and reached for the handheld shower wand. I let the warm water wash over me. I didn't have the strength to wash my hair myself. Just thinking about it exhausted me, so I didn't even try. The longer I sat under the water, the more upset I became… and I couldn't explain why. I started breathing harder and my eyes burned. I couldn't hold back the tears any longer and they started flowing. I was sure Cathy noticed, but she didn't comment. She simply poured shampoo in her hand and got to work. "My youngest daughter is your age and her hair is as straight as a poker." She mindlessly rambled as she massaged my hair to build lather. "She'd love to have these beautiful curls."

These stupid, fucking curls. Just like Emmie's. I hated them.

When I started crying harder, and my shoulders began to shake, her hands halted. "Am I hurting you?" she softly asked. I wanted to tell her no, but I couldn't speak. The best I could do was give my head a small shake. Being touched was bringing back all those ugly feelings and I wanted to just block them out. While I relived the vile things he did to me, I stared at the tiled shower floor, watching the water as it traveled past my toes and down the drain. The water was clear, but it should have been black and dirty like I was.

Cathy squeezed body wash onto a cloth and started to wash my shoulder. Before she could touch me, I grabbed the cloth. It was irrational. I knew she was only trying to help me, but I kept hearing Durant's voice whispering in my ear. "Just relax and let me take care of you." I remembered begging him not to do it. Not to touch me like that, but he wouldn't listen. My breathing sped up. The bathroom began to float away, and I was back in the cellar.

"You're safe, Stephanie. I promise." Cathy's soothing voice broke through my panic and drew me back to the here and now.

No matter what I did, he wouldn't leave me alone and I wondered what kind of life I was going have with him tormenting me from the grave. I took some calming breaths and when I was finally breathing normally, I ran the cloth over my stomach, lightly touching the bruises. I sucked in a breath when I glossed over my ribs, remembering how it felt to be kicked by his heavy boots. When I'd washed all I could reach, she took the cloth from me. "Would you like me to wash your back?"

I wanted to be clean everywhere, but I wasn't sure I could let her do it. As if she sensed I was trying to work things out in my head, she started talking. "I used to work in pediatrics. My favorite thing about that job was bathing the babies. They are so tiny and had all the trust in the world that I was going to take care of them." I knew she was trying to let me know she wasn't going to hurt me, and I appreciated her effort. I gave my head a small nod and she tenderly washed my back and began rinsing me off with the shower wand. The water was hot, but I didn't complain. I didn't think there was enough hot water in the world to make me clean again.

Cathy turned off the tap and helped me to my feet. As she wrapped a towel around me, I stared at the floor, letting the tears drip down, wondering what she must think of me. "Stephanie, I don't know what happened to you and Dr. Powell doesn't want anyone questioning you, but sweetheart, I can see that you've been through something awful. If you want to talk, I have a pretty big ear I could lend you."

I bit my bottom lip, trying to hold in all the emotions overwhelming me, but a woman as wonderful as her, wouldn't understand the evil I'd lived through. And she damn sure wouldn't understand that my silence was allowing a man to die as we speak.

"I also have a very good friend you could talk to. She's a therapist that deals in all kinds of trauma. Would you like that?"

I shook my head. I wanted to forget it, not relive it. And there were certain parts I didn't think I'd ever tell anyone.

"I won't push, sweetheart. You just let me know if you change your mind." She picked up the pair of panties my mom had brought from my apartment. I recognized them instantly and bit back a smile. I guess this was my mother's way of trying to cheer me up.

Cathy's face broke out in a giant smile. "Tinkerbell?"

My smile got bigger. But then I remembered Ranger buying them for me at Disney World, and the smile fell from my face. He'd stripped them off me and proceeded to give my body an excellent workout. I choked on a sob. I knew I wasn't to blame for the things Durant did to me, but how was I ever going to let a man touch me intimately without feeling his hands on me—in me.

"Thank you," I said as she helped me pull the panties up and then slid my fluffy purple socks on my feet.

"I'm glad to do it." She gave a dismissive wave of her hand and helped me back to bed.

After she hooked up the IV port, she reapplied my bandages and retrieved my hairbrush. "May I?" she asked, her face hopeful. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I nodded even though I didn't really want anyone brushing my hair—not after Durant dressed me like a doll. When all the tangles were smoothed out, she put the brush away and helped me lie back, smoothing the blanket around me. "If you need to go to the bathroom, push the call button and I'll come right away. Okay?"

I nodded, but I already knew I wouldn't be calling anyone. I was bone tired by the time I settled into bed and I drifted off immediately.

The pain of a full bladder woke me. I checked the clock on the wall—9:00 p.m. I couldn't believe I'd only been asleep for a couple hours. On shaky legs, I slowly pushed the IV pole across the floor to the bathroom. After relieving myself, I stood at the sink washing my hands, trying not to look at myself in the mirror, but like a magnet, my eyes were drawn to my reflection. I hadn't examined myself closely earlier, not with Cathy watching.

I pulled the gown apart and grimaced at the loose skin hanging on my bones. I didn't even look like me. Tears flooded my eyes, leaking down my face. I knew it'd be bad, but I had no idea. My skin had a sickly, yellow tint with bruised patches that were black and blue in places and yellow and green in others. I turned to the side, so I could see my back. The worst of it was bandaged, but I could see where the belt had left crisscrossing marks from my shoulders down to my knees.

I grabbed hold of the sink as if I could feel the strap of the belt hitting me. My heart raced, pounding its beat behind my eyes and in my ears. I was starting to sweat, and my skin felt prickly. His hands were on me, holding me down. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see. I sucked in great gulps of air, but it wasn't enough.

Slowly, the pressure in my head receded and I was able to breathe again. When I thought I could make it back to bed, I released my grip on the sink and opened the door.

I caught a whiff of something familiar.

Christmas.