Chapter 40

Come Full Circle

I'd eaten all the pot roast I could hold and even managed to save a little room for pineapple upside down cake. A warm feeling came over me knowing that it was my mother's way of reminding me she loves me. I got up from the table to take my dishes to the sink. "I've got it," Joe said as he took my plate from me. I knew he wasn't happy that I'd cut my hair, but at least we'd made it through dinner without further comment. "You've had a tough day." He pulled me into his arms. "Why don't you take a bath and relax? The bubbles you love are under the sink." I nodded and let him kiss me before heading upstairs.

I gathered my night shirt and a clean pair of underwear and placed them on the bathroom counter. I selected a soothing playlist on my phone and the music began playing while I filled the bathtub with bubbles and hot water. I opted not to use the plastic sleeve and let my cast drape over the tub as my foot tapped against the porcelain, keeping pace with the music. As I soaked, I tried to focus on the music and let my mind go blank. Every time a thought from the cellar or Durant entered my mind, I quickly replaced it with something else… anything else. The bubbles started to dissipate, and the water cooled, but I wasn't ready to get out. I debated adding more hot water, but I was only prolonging the inevitable. I'd have to get out sometime.

When I finally stepped out of the bath, I was pink and pruney. I slathered lotion all over, pampering my poor abused skin, then slipped on the same t-shirt from last night. Most of my wounds had healed enough that I didn't need to keep them covered anymore. I applied antibiotic cream to the ones I could reach and left the rest for Joe to help with. Once I was done, I gathered the medical supplies and went looking for Joe.

I checked in the bedroom first and then his office. When I didn't find him, I headed downstairs. As I stepped off the bottom stair, I heard his angry voice and stopped in my tracks, heart suddenly beating overtime. "Are you giving me an ultimatum?" He was speaking quietly, controlling his voice so as not to be overheard. "Don't make me choose. You won't like my answer."

Was someone here? My curiosity got the better of me and I peeked around the corner to find Joe holding his phone to his ear, staring out the back door while Bob did his business. Now that I knew a stranger wasn't in the house, I breathed a sigh of relief. I was getting ready to call out when he started speaking again. "You're going to have to wait. There's no way I can get away right now."

He sounded tired and overworked. Guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. He'd been spending so much time traveling back and forth to the hospital and doing his best to take care of me that he was letting other things slide. His life was a mess and it was all my fault. I'd been so absorbed in what I'd been going through that I hadn't even bothered to ask him how his assignment had gone or if it was even over. For all I knew, he'd gone AWOL when he heard I was missing and now he was in trouble with his superiors.

"I know." He sighed; his anger having left him. "Just give me a few days." I thought he was going to hang up, but he waited… listening to the caller. And then he spoke softly—so softly I could barely hear him. "Me too." He disconnected the call and put his hands on each side of the doorjamb, hanging his head as if his responsibilities were weighing him down. He was clearly upset, and I wondered why, but I wasn't sure I wanted to ask. I decided I couldn't stand here all night.

"Joe," I said as soon as I came around the corner, concern lacing my voice, "is everything alright?"

He jumped at the sound of my voice and quickly turned around, studying my face. He smiled but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "You've had a long day," he said. "I thought you'd already be in bed." He made up the distance between us, pulling me into him, nestling my cheek against his chest. I got the feeling I wasn't supposed to overhear his conversation, so when he didn't answer my question, I decided to let him keep his pride and play along. I was probably the reason he was in trouble anyway and if that was the case, he wouldn't want me to know.

"I was thirsty." I hugged him tighter for a moment and then pulled away, handing him the bandages and ointment while I got a glass of apple juice. "And I needed another pain pill." While I drank my juice, Joe tended to my back.

When he finished, he said, "I'm going to run the rest of the supplies back upstairs."

"Okay. Why don't you go ahead and jump in the shower? I'll bring Bob in and lock up."

He gave me a tired sigh before kissing the top of my head. "Are you sure?" he asked.

"Go," I practically shooed him out of the room, feeling better because I was doing something to make his life easier. A few minutes later, Bob climbed the porch steps and stuck his wet nose against the glass, signaling to me that he was ready to come back inside. As soon as I opened the door, he nuzzled his head against my thigh, stepping on my toes. "Hey, buddy." I reached down to pet him. "Did you miss me?" He licked my hand in response. "I guess that was a yes." I smiled.

By the time I made it back upstairs, Joe was out of the shower and dressed in a pair of gym shorts. Considering that he usually slept in the nude, I was glad for his consideration. He pulled the covers back, inviting me to get in first. After I got settled, he got in behind me and pulled me against him, spooning me.

"I'm worried about you. That panic attack scared the hell out of me. Are you sure you don't need to go get checked out?" His voice held a tiredness in it that made me feel like I was too much trouble. I'd worried him a lot today. First the panic attack when I found the cellar and then my spontaneous decision to cut my hair.

"I'm fine." I rubbed the corded muscles on his forearm, trying to get him to relax. "I have a follow up appointment with Dr. Powell on Monday. And tomorrow Ranger's taking me to see the shrink." I tried to keep the anger out of my voice as I whispered, "I'm sick of doctors."

"We just want you to be healthy," he said and tightened his arms around me before asking, "will you tell me about your nightmare? The one that made you believe I would leave you in that place?"

I stopped stroking his arm. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about my hallucinations in the cellar. They made me doubt my sanity and after what I did to my hair earlier, I was worried that I really was losing my mind. But by the pained sound of his voice, I knew my accusations had hurt him. "Toward the end, I was so weak from hunger," I tried to explain, "and then I got sick. Lots of things weren't making sense. I couldn't tell the difference between a nightmare and what was really happening." I swallowed hard, unable to believe what I was about to confess. "Sometimes, I even thought I heard the women talking to me," I whispered.

Joe traced his finger lightly up and down my arm, silently encouraging me to continue.

"You know I'm not good at saying I love you," I said in a choked sob. "I thought I was going to die down there without everyone knowing how much I love them. That was my biggest regret. I tried to make peace with myself by calling up special memories of everyone I loved and saying goodbye to them. It sounds stupid, but I was hoping you all could feel how much I love you."

He kissed the back of my neck, nuzzling his nose against my skin. "I did feel it, Cupcake. I feel it all the time." He was silent for a few minutes and then asked, "What memory did you recall about us?"

He loosened his hold so I could turn over and lay my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. "Do you remember how we were sitting on the couch with Bob earlier tonight, my head lying on your chest just like it is now?" Tears silently streamed down my face, wetting his skin.

"Yeah," he whispered unsteadily.

"That's how I wanted you to remember me." He put his fingers under my chin, lifting my face to him as he met my lips, kissing me softly. It was one of the sweetest kisses he'd ever given me.

"I love you, Cupcake."

I sniffed. "I love you too, Joe."

The next morning, I woke up wrapped in Joe's arms. Because he held me through the night, I'd been able to sleep, albeit fitfully. I wondered what I would do when I was once again on my own with only myself to protect me against the nightmares and the ugly memories that plagued me.

"Are you thinking about getting up some time today?" I felt his chest vibrating with laughter against my back.

"What time is it?" I moaned and arched, stretching like a cat. The moan turned into a wince and I sucked in a pained breath. I'd forgotten about my ribs and now they were burning.

"It's seven. You better get up and get ready. Ranger will be here soon to take you to your doctor's appointment." I detected the bitterness in his voice, but what could I do? It wasn't my idea to see this doctor.

"I don't want to go," I confided, hoping that he'd agree and somehow get me out of going.

"I know you don't, but it's a good idea. Talking to someone can only help," he said as he got up and went downstairs. When he came back, he had my medication and a bottle.

"Don't you have to be at work?" I asked after I swallowed the pills. It was rare to wake up with Joe still in bed with me. Usually, he was already showered and dressed before he kissed me awake and told me he was leaving for work.

A serious look came over his face and he sat down on the side of the bed. "The feds located Durant's apartment." He carefully watched me for any reaction.

Just the sound of his name made me cringe and pull the sheet up around me. "Where?"

"About fifteen minutes from the cellar in Hammonton Township. Even though it's out of our jurisdiction, my Captain wants me to be the liaison between the department and the feds until this investigation is wrapped up. Which means I have to meet them at his apartment this morning."

"Is that who you were yelling at last night?"

"Yelling?" His cop face slid in place as he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. But I knew Joe very well. He understood exactly what I was referring to.

"I heard you yelling at someone on the phone."

"Just one of the guys from work." He shrugged it off and kissed me soundly.

"I never asked about the case you were working on. Were you able to get it wrapped up before you found out I was missing?"

"My case isn't important. Getting you back was all I could think about."

"I don't want to cause trouble with your job."

"There is nothing more important than you." His words had a finality to them, letting me know he was done with this conversation. He went into the bathroom. As soon as the door closed, his phone buzzed with an incoming text. I glanced over at his bedside table, thinking it wouldn't hurt to have a look. Maybe if I knew who he was in trouble with, I could do something to fix it. Besides, I've never been able to leave a mystery alone and right now I badly wanted to know who he'd been yelling at last night. But by the time I scooted over to his side of the bed, being careful of my sore ribs, and reached for the phone, the text box was fading away. Not wanting to violate his privacy any more than I already had, I put the phone back where it had been and scooted over to my side of the bed, snuggling into the blanket.

I opened my eyes when I heard Joe rummaging in his dresser drawers. He had his towel wrapped around him, low on his hips as drops of water ran down his chest. He'd done this a thousand times before, but I couldn't help the way my heart started to race in fear. There was nothing sexual or threatening about what he was doing, yet I was having difficulty drawing in air. Unaware of my burgeoning panic, he continued getting dressed. As soon as he was covered, my breathing began to improve. He walked to my side of the bed, holding out his hand. "Come on, Cupcake, let's see about getting you presentable."

Since I bathed last night, all I had to do was change my bandages and get dressed. He helped me into the bathroom and when he reached for the back of my night shirt to take it off. I tensed. Sensing my discomfort, he handed me the bandages and ointment and said, "I'll go down and let Bob out and start the coffee. Come down when you get done and I'll change the ones you can't reach."

"Okay," I nodded my thanks that he didn't make a big deal about my not wanting to take my night shirt off in front of him. The scars were a big part of it, but I was also uncomfortable at the thought of being in a vulnerable position like I had been with Durant. Those feelings weren't fair to Joe. He wasn't the one who'd hurt me. This was all Durant's fault and it made me want to kill him all over again.

When I was done tending to the wounds I could reach, I dressed in a pair of black yoga pants and a soft white T-shirt. I was pleased with what Mr. Alexander had done to my hair last night. He'd taken a round brush and a hairdryer and smoothed my newly shorn hair into a sleek style that looked nothing like me. I ran my fingers through the back of my hair where it was shorter and pushed the longer pieces in the front to the side. I decided I liked it and was going to make an effort to keep straightening what curls I had left.

Since my ribs were still too sore to wear a bra, I went back into the bedroom and found a blue button-down shirt to cover up my unrestrained breasts. It was the best I could do without going to my apartment. The therapist was just going to have to deal. I carried some bandages and ointment downstairs for Joe to take care of the rest of the wounds. It was either that or have my mom or Mary Lou come over and apply the bandages and I didn't like those options either. Just as he finished, someone knocked on the front door.

Ranger POV

It was early when I pulled into Morelli's driveway and parked behind his SUV. I knocked on the front door again, even though I'd already knocked twice. With any luck they would be up and dressed for the day. I didn't relish seeing Stephanie walking around in her nightshirt straight from sleeping in another man's arms. My stomach soured at the thought.

I did another survey of my surroundings, noting my men parked on the street. I had another team parked in the alley covering both entrances to the home. There was no danger to her, but I was doing my best to protect her from nosey reporters. So far, they haven't caught wind of the story. I was surprised it wasn't in the paper this morning, but I had no doubt it would be online by the afternoon. It had all the elements that kept a story lingering for weeks if not months.

Morelli finally opened the door. The dog poked his head out, sniffing my hand and then I saw Stephanie coming from the kitchen with a cup of coffee in her hand. Relief washed over me to see that she was okay… and dressed. She ran her hand through her hair subconsciously. I was out of my depth. Do I compliment her or act as if last night never happened?

She tried to peer around me. "Where's Hector? I thought he was bringing breakfast?"

"I thought we'd eat on the way," I said not bothering to step inside.

"Let me get my coat and purse," she sighed.

Morelli stepped out onto the porch with me and shut the door. "The fed's found Durant's apartment. I'm going to head down there and see it for myself."

I nodded. Agent Kinkade had called me this morning to fill me in on the new development. But I'd learned my lesson yesterday about leaving Stephanie alone right now. Her well being was more important than satisfying my curiosity about Durant. After her appointment, if she was feeling well, I'd leave her in Hector's care and then I'd check out the apartment.

"Does Stephanie know they found his apartment?" I asked.

"I told her." When I raised my eyebrows, he added, "She took it well."

The door opened behind Morelli. "I'm ready," she said.

I knew she was only going because I asked, but she could have refused. I was grateful she hadn't because I was worried about her.

She faced Morelli. "Are you going to be here when I get back?"

"I don't know how long I'll be gone, but I'll be back as soon as I can. One of Ranger's men will stay with you until then."

"I don't need anyone to babysit me."

I turned away, unable to watch as Morelli pulled her in for a hug.

"It would make me feel better," he said in a smooth voice that made me want to punch him in his mouth. Or break a few teeth. Or put him in traction for a few years.

She didn't protest anymore about babysitters. I held my hand out to her. "Let's go, Babe." I helped her down the stairs and into the car. I drove for a few minutes and after pulling onto Hamilton, I looked at her from the corner of my eyes. I'd feared she'd never again sit in my Turbo, but here we were, riding through town toward the same diner where we met. We hadn't been there since that first meeting. We were both quiet. I wish she'd give me some idea of what she was thinking.

As we turned into the parking lot, she jerked her head in my direction, eyes wide with disbelief. I could see the gears in her mind grinding with questions. But she didn't voice any of them. I came around and opened her door, taking her arm as we walked into the diner. The booth we'd sat at was open and I considered that a good sign that today was going to be much better than yesterday.

"Is it just the two of you?" the waitress asked.

"Yes," I said pointing to the booth in the back. "That one will be fine." I started walking, not waiting for her to give her consent. The waitress followed on our tail and dropped a couple menus in front of us.

After we were seated, she asked, "What can I get you, hun?" If she'd had a piece of gum in her mouth she'd have popped it to punctuate her sentence.

Stephanie quickly looked at the menu. "The blueberry pancakes look good, and I'll have bacon on the side with coffee and orange juice, please."

The waitress wrote Stephanie's order on her pad and turned her attention to me. I took Stephanie's menu and placed it on top of mine, and said, "I'll have the same." The waitress took the menus and left.

When I looked at Stephanie, she was staring at me with her eyebrows raised. "Is the temple closed today?"

Knowing it makes her happy when I smile, I gave her what she wanted. The full grill. The waitress, who was on her way back to our table with the coffee pot, stumbled and sloshed hot coffee on the ground. She steadied herself and continued to us, pouring our coffee and left to get our food.

When our orders were delivered, Stephanie smothered her pancakes in syrup. She finished and sat the bottle down. I picked it up and as I began pouring, I caught her giving me a strange look. "Are you going to detox after this? Am I going to have to sit through a Sugar lover's Anonymous meeting? I can't be your sponsor. I'm not ready to go bland." I stared at her for a beat and then laughed. She was feeling more like herself every day. For the first time since we found her, I thought she just might be alright.

We ate in silence for a few minutes and then she asked, "Would you mind stopping at Mary Lou's on the way home? I'd like to pick up Rex."

"Sure." She rarely asked for anything even though I'd give her everything I have. I've told her she has all the power, but she doesn't believe me.

We spent the rest of the meal making small talk. Stephanie ate most of her food, but her stomach wasn't back to its normal capacity yet and I imagined she was anxious about the appointment with Dr. Mereck. I paid the bill and we got back in the car. She was walking slowly as if she was on her way to the gallows or a life sentence at the New Jersey State Penn. I wished I could convince her it wasn't going to be so bad.

I came to a stop at the light and looked over at her. She had her hand flat on her thighs, tense about where we were headed. I reached across the console, turning her hand over and lacing my fingers between hers. I wanted her to know that I was here for her… always. I'm an intelligent man, capable of leading a team into war, but I couldn't find the right words that would reassure her. Mostly, I wanted her to know that I loved her, but if I said that it would only complicate things. She already had enough to deal with.

I pulled into the underground parking garage of the Medical Arts Building. "Babe, this isn't going to be as bad as you think."

"How would you know? Have you ever been dragged to a head doctor against your will?"

She thought I was strong and wouldn't ever need help, but she was wrong. I was quiet for a minute debating on how much I was going to share. "I have been, yes."

Her mouth hung open, stunned that I'd admitted I'd needed help in the past. Her mind was busy trying to figure out why I'd needed to see a therapist. "There's nothing wrong with getting help," I told her.

Her cheeks tinged pink, worrying that she'd offended me. "No. There's nothing wrong with getting help if the person wants it."

She'd had to endure so much the last few weeks and all of it was against her will. I wondered if I was making things worse by gently insisting that she come today. "You don't have to do this," I said. "I can take you back to Morelli's or anywhere else you want to go."

She thought about it for a minute, struggling to decide. I wished I could read her.

"Come on." I got out and came around to her side of the car and helped her out. "I'm just asking you to meet her. Can you do that?"

She shrugged, noncommittally.

We stepped off the elevator and around the corner to suite 304. The waiting room was small with only four chairs. The receptionist, a matronly woman with gray hair, sat behind a desk. Stephanie went to sit down while I signed her in and took the clipboard that was handed to me. I sat down beside her, trying not to notice her right leg bouncing. "It's alright," I tried to convince her. "Just talk to the doctor and tell her what you're thinking. Answer whatever questions she has. It'll be painless."

She looked at me like she didn't believe me. Instead of offering platitudes that I knew she wouldn't appreciate, I reached for her hand to hold while I filled out her paperwork for her. A few minutes after I handed the forms back to the receptionist, the door to the inner office opened and a teenage girl with green hair walked out. "I'll see you again next week," a small blonde woman said from behind the girl, her voice high and thin, sounding like a squeaking mouse. I cringed, immediately knowing that Stephanie was not going to connect with this middle-aged cheerleader.

I stood up just as the outer door closed behind the green haired girl. Stephanie remained seated as the miniature blonde completely ignored her in favor of speaking to me. She bit her lip as her eyes travel down my body and then back up, checking out my muscles and other attributes. When she finally managed to drag her eyes back to my face, she smiled brightly, and held out her hand. "Hello, I'm Dr. Mereck," she practically purred, "and you are?"

It took a lot of willpower not to let my anger show. I was used to dealing with the unwanted attention of women, but her obvious interest was inappropriate. I made no move to shake her hand. "I'm Carlos Manoso and this is your patient, Stephanie Plum." I held my hand out for Stephanie. She simply stared at it and I thought she might try to make a run for it, but she finally put her hand in mine and stood.

The receptionist came around her desk and handed the doctor a file. "Here you are, Dr. Mereck."

The doctor recovered her blunder quickly and looked down at the file. "It's nice to meet you Stephanie. Come inside and we'll get better acquainted."

"I'll be right here when you get through," I said.

With a forlorn expression on her face, Stephanie followed Dr. Mereck into her office.