CHAPTER 45

Quid Pro Quo

I wanted to say yes. Staying in Ranger's apartment had always made me feel safe, but it was a slippery slope. Needing someone so much that you couldn't function on your own without them wasn't healthy. "I'm going to stay here." I wiped my nose and dried my eyes with the edge of my t-shirt. "But you should go home. I'll be fine."

He lowered his forehead to touch mine, our eyes within centimeters. "If you're staying, I'm staying." He released his hold on me and helped me stand before giving me a pat on the butt, nudging me toward the bathroom. "Go take a bath while I pull dinner together."

I gathered some clothes from the piles on the floor and left the room. While I soaked in the tub, I focused on getting my emotions under control. By the time I came out, I was dressed for bed in my Ghostbuster's t-shirt that came to my knees. With the length of time I'd stayed in the tub, I figured Ranger would have already eaten, but the table was set for two and a large casserole dish covered in foil was waiting in the center along with two small bowls of salad.

He was looking at me from his seat on my couch in the living room. He'd been working on his laptop and as soon as he saw me, he put it back in his bag and got to his feel. "You hungry?" he asked, heading my way.

My stomach growled loud enough for him to hear it while he was still several feet away. He smiled and poured us each a glass of milk and served up generous helpings of vegetable lasagna. We ate in comfortable silence and after we finished, he cleared the table and began washing the dishes. He appeared at home in my kitchen and if the circumstances had been different, I'd have given him a hard time about being domesticated.

He looked over his shoulder. "Are you tired? We could watch a movie or sleep. Whatever you want to do." I put my elbows on the table and rubbed my temples. My earlier crying jag had given me a massive headache and soaking in the tub had done little to ease the pain. "Are you okay?" Ranger moved behind me and started rubbing my shoulders.

"Yeah." It was dangerous to have his hands on me in any way, but for just a minute I enjoyed the massage he was giving me. Even though it felt great, it only served to build the sexual tension between us and I was forced to lean forward, dislodging his hands. Blurring the lines that we'd painstakingly set was a bad idea on all fronts. I pushed away from the table and got to my feet. "I'm tired. I think I'll just take my medication and go to bed."

I couldn't remember where I'd left my bag. I checked the living room and found it lying on the coffee table. With my pill bottles in hand, I went back to the kitchen for water. Ranger already had a glass sitting on the table waiting for me. I took my pills and went into the bedroom, preparing to clean up the mess I'd made. I stopped short. All the clothes that I'd thrown on the floor were now put away. Ranger had cleaned up after me while I was in the bath. I sighed, thinking it was just another reason I owed him.

The light from the kitchen filtered in through my half open door, leaving most of my bedroom in shadows. As I lay in bed, my eyes darted from one dark corner to the other, searching for Durant. I couldn't get my mind to shut down. Thoughts of the cellar whirled around in my brain, torturing me. The longer I was away from him the bigger he seemed to get. I'd built him up in my mind as a monster capable of anything, even coming back from the dead. At least when I was with Joe, he could hold me while I drifted off. Just as I was finally beginning to get drowsy and pass into dreamland, I heard the hinges creak as my bedroom door was pushed open.

I tensed.

The sound of Ranger's zipper separating seemed to echo in the quiet room. All my effort to maintain a healthy distance was obliterated when he slid in behind me, leaving no physical space between us. He pulled me flush against his chest and I could feel the silk of his boxers on my panty covered ass. "What are you doing?" I asked with a touch of wariness.

He rubbed his hand up and down my arm. "Babe, your couch is barely long enough for a kid."

"This isn't a good idea," I reasoned as I tried to scoot forward—to break the connection. "Morelli wouldn't appreciate you being in my bed."

"Morelli's wishes aren't my concern. I'm only interested in what you want," he said. "All you have to do is tell me to get out."

"I'm not feeling particularly entertaining right now," I sighed. Since it was dark and I couldn't see his face, I was feeling bolder than usual and maybe unreasonably snarky because he wasn't backing off. "You'll have to amuse yourself some other way."

His hand stilled on my arm, no longer rubbing reassuringly. "I don't want you to entertain me, Babe." His tone had taken on a hard edge and then it turned gentle again. "None of what I do for you is about amusing myself. I have a short list of people I care about and you're at the top of it."

My throat clogged with unexpressed emotions that I couldn't afford to release right now. I was intentionally being mean because I didn't want him to pull me back in. I couldn't take the roller coaster anymore. Emotionally, I was hanging on by a thread. I needed firm boundaries, or I wasn't going to survive.

"I work hard to keep you safe. I've never been more helpless in my life than while you were missing." His voice was barely above a whisper, but he was using so much force I felt his conviction and what it cost him to admit it. "All the trackers I put on you were useless. I tried every contact, every lead, but you had vanished into thin air."

His desperation slayed me. Silent tears slipped out against my will. I struggled to understand how he could make my heart swell with love one minute and then tell me he doesn't want me the next.

"Don't cry, Babe, just let me hold you so I know you're here with me and safe."

I nodded, even though he couldn't see me in the darkened room. He placed his hand over my heart, and I relaxed against him, giving into the feelings that were always present. I may not have a lifetime with him, but I had this moment—and I needed it.

"Talk to me, Babe." He pleaded. "What did he do to you?"

And just like that, the moment was gone. I hadn't realized I'd been clutching Ranger's hand over my heart until I made myself let go. "I'm tired," I said. "I just want to go to sleep."

"We don't have to talk about it now." He captured my hand again, sliding his fingers between mine. "But soon."

Unfair anger struck me hard and fast. He had no right to ask me to cut myself open and bleed every horrible thing Durant did to me while he kept his secrets locked up in a vault not granting me access. That would never happen. I moved my body away from his and let sleep overtake me.

I jolted awake, heart pounding, sheets sticking to my body. Durant was here. I could feel him on my skin—in my mind—everywhere.

Ranger sat up beside me, and pulled me to him, gently rubbing my back. "It's just a dream. Breathe slowly; don't let panic take over."

Too late.

I slung the blanket off and turned on the lamp. I expected Durant to be sitting in his stupid chair, smiling at me while he pleasured himself. But he wasn't there. Ranger put his hands on my shoulders, drawing me back down on the bed. "Want to talk about it?"

"No," I whispered as I lay quietly waiting for my heart rate to return to normal.

"What can I do to help you, Babe?"

My stomach turned over at the thought of Ranger finding out all the things Durant had done to me. I swung my legs off the side of the bed and got up. He reached to stop me. "Where are you going?"

"Bathroom," I said, already halfway across the room.

When I came back to bed, sleep eluded me. In the past, it was a place I cherished—where I was happy. I'd been using it as a way to cope since that horrible day in high school. While I slept, I could pretend my time in the cellar hadn't happened and that day in the locker room hadn't happened. I was in a safe place where no one was trying to hurt me, but now it was no longer working. Like everything else, Durant had taken that away too.

At some point, I fell asleep and woke to sunlight filtering in through the slit in the curtains. Ranger's hand was under my shirt, positioned low on my stomach. He was ignoring the boundaries—again. "Ranger," I whisper as I slowly turned over to face him.

"Yeah?" he asked, his voice sounding hoarse as his hand settled on my ass, gently massaging me through my panties.

"I thought we had an agreement about boundaries. Having your hand on my ass kind of violates that, don't you think?"

He didn't make a quippy excuse to lighten the mood, he simply stared at me and for once he lowered his guard, letting me see what lay behind the blank mask. The moment passed quickly, but if I wasn't mistaken, I saw sympathy, regret, and maybe, just maybe, I saw raw need. And then the mask fell back into place, taking with it any chance I had of ever knowing what this man was thinking. "When I'm this close to you, Babe, I can't help but touch you."

I don't know what was wrong with me. Ranger was doing nothing that he hadn't done a hundred other times, but I couldn't stop myself. I thought maybe I just needed to be angry at someone. To be able to rage against something since I'd been powerless for so long. "You said friendship was all you could offer." My voice was thin with bits of anger slipping in. "Hector is also my friend, and I never wake up with him rubbing my ass."

Ranger's face didn't change, but something in his eyes did. Laid back, sexy Ranger was replaced with something a little harder. He brushed my hair off my face. "I'm not going to apologize."

I placed my hand on his bare chest, hoping to keep some room between us. The softness was back in his eyes when he took my hand in his, rubbing his thumbs back and forth over the healing wounds on my wrist. "What did he do to you?"

Many times, I've accused him of having ESP, but the truth is, he takes the time to look deeper than the average person. I shut my eyes, afraid that he could see all the things I was hiding from him. I fought the urge to sigh. "I spend every waking minute and even while I sleep trying to forget it all. Why are you pushing me to relive it?"

"You can't keep it bottled up. It'll destroy you."

My eyes blinked open. "You want to know all the gory details?" I asked with a little heat in my voice. "You want to know every horrible thing he did to me?"

The muscles in his jaw clenched. "This is about helping you heal mentally, physically, and emotionally. What you've been through is hard to come back from. Let me help you."

He'd once told me he'd been captured by Colombian rebels. I decided maybe this was an opportunity. If he could let me in and tell me about that time in his life, then maybe I could do the same. "You're probably the only person I know that would understand," I said quietly, keeping his eyes locked with mine. "When you were captured by the Colombian rebels, what was that like?"

His jaw clenched and then he took a slow deep breath, not liking my new version of quid pro quo. "That was classified, but even if I could tell you, I wouldn't. You don't need those images in your head."

I can't say I was surprised by his answer. I took a deep breath and moved to get up. "Then you can understand why I don't want to talk about the cellar."

"Babe." He gently grasped my forearm, pulling me back down on the bed.

I turned to face him. "You're a soldier. You've been through a lot of bad stuff. Not everything you've done is classified. Tell me something that keeps you up at night… something no one else knows." I was so desperate for a part of him that it bordered on begging. I'd never talked to him this boldly or asked for more than he was willing to share, and until now, neither had he.

The longer he was silent, the more important the moment became.

Let me in, Ranger. I'll give you everything I have, if you'll just open up and let me in.

I could see the moment he made his decision. His eyes dimmed and slowly closed. When they opened again, he'd put his barriers back in place, both emotionally and physically, taking any lifeline of support he could have offered with him. This was just a cold reminder that I was exactly where he wanted me, on the outside of his life looking in. I took a deep breath in defeat, gave him a quick nod and slid off the bed.

"This isn't about me." He got up quickly and came around the bed, standing in front of me.

At the moment, I felt a lot of things, but the one that was hitting me the hardest was disappointment… with myself. I fell into the same trap that so many other women had fallen into. If I was smarter, I would have seen this coming. I should have listened closer each time he warned me that he couldn't give me what I needed. While I was busy dreaming that I'd be the one woman in the entire world to unlock his heart, I'd let him turn me into a glorified booty-call or fuck buddy or whatever you wanted to call it. I started pulling open drawers, gathering clothes to take into the bathroom with me.

"I watched your face as you told the feds what he did to you. You were lying to them. I think Durant hurt you more than you're saying."

Thankfully, I had my back to him so he couldn't see the truth on my face. I straightened to my full height and turned around with my clothes in my hand. "Believe what you want, Ranger." Not waiting for a response, I started walking toward the bathroom, throwing one last shot over my shoulder. "You should go home… wherever that is."

When I came out, he was dressed and sitting at my kitchen table, patiently waiting. I'd expected him to be angry—and gone.

"I made breakfast; you need to eat," he coaxed.

My stomach made a loud noise at the smell of eggs and bacon. He smiled even though I could tell he was still frustrated. Ignoring the uncomfortable silence hanging in the room, I pulled out a chair and dug into the omelet. Ranger appeared deep in thought, not eating. I glanced over at the garbage can which had magically made its way back into my apartment. There was an empty yogurt container and a paper plate with remnants of a bagel and cream cheese.

I took a sip of coffee and tried to make conversation—a conciliatory move on my part. "This smells great. Thank you."

"I was there," he said. The confusion on my face caused him to clarify. "In the hospital the night you woke up. The night Diesel came to your room."

I didn't know what he was getting at, but whatever it was, bothered him greatly. He leaned his elbows on his knees and turned his face to the side, looking at me. The hurt in his eyes gutted me.

"You told him what happened to you, but you won't tell me. Why?" He hung his head, unable or unwilling to look at me any longer.

I put my fork down and wiped my mouth. "I didn't have to tell Diesel. He has a way of knowing things." I explained and then took a deep breath before continuing. "But you're right. I did talk to him about it and you know what he did? He also shared his feelings with me. It wasn't one sided. That's what friends who trust each other do, Ranger."

He faced me again, his voice turning hard with contempt—completely missing the point. "He knew where you were and did nothing. One phone call from him and I'd have gotten you out of there, but he didn't do that. He left you there. How can you say he's your friend?"

"You don't understand and I'm not sure I can explain so that you would. You just need to trust that I know what I'm doing."

"I do trust you, Babe. It's you who doesn't trust me. I kept telling myself you weren't dead, that I'd feel it." He rubbed his chest, just over his heart. "In here."

He was taking this harder than I thought. I swallowed past the tense knot forming in my throat and tried to affect a calm voice. "I know that you were scared for me, Ranger, but the things that happened in the cellar… they're hard for me to talk about. You of all people should understand that. I won't lay myself open—tell you every horrible thing that happened to me—while you keep me emotionally at arm's length. That's not how this works." I motioned back and forth between us. "You work hard at keeping me in the dark—in my place. I watch how you act and the things you do and make assumptions about who you are and what you've been through in life, but those are only guesses that I foolishly apply—they're not real."

I thought his face would have softened in understanding, but it was blank. He wasn't getting it. Maybe he didn't want to get it.

"He took you away and I almost didn't get you back." His slid to his knees in front of me, putting his arms around my waist as I sat in the kitchen chair. "If you hadn't found a way out, I'd have lost you." He was as close to tears as I'd ever seen him. "Just talk to me, Babe."

I ran my hand through his short hair and tried to relieve him of some of the guilt he was carrying. "I trust you more than any other person in this world, but it's not your responsibility to take care of me. It's not like you were out partying while I was suffering—you were working. As soon as you noticed I was missing, I know you did everything you could to find me. That's what kept me going. I'd do the same for you, 'no price', remember?"

I must have said something wrong because his entire body stiffened, but before I could ask, a knock sounded at the door. He avoided looking at me as he got to his feet and went to the door. As soon as Hector walked in, Ranger grabbed his bag from the couch and slung it over his shoulder. "I have a client meeting." He kissed me on the forehead and turned to Hector. "Keep an eye on her today."

After the door closed behind Ranger, Hector locked it and came over to sit with me on the couch. There was something troubling in his eyes. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"Have you had breakfast?"

"Yes. Now stop dodging and tell me what's wrong." I sighed. "You're scaring me."

He took a slow deep breath as if preparing for an unpleasant task. "For too long, I watch the cop treat you poorly." His chest rose and fell in a rapid staccato of anger.

"I don't understand, Hector. What are you trying to tell me?"

"Come with me. There is something I need to show you."

"What is it? What do you want to show me?" Hector flattened his lips, trying to temper his anger, but it was coming through loud and clear. "Just spit it out, Hector."

He took a deep breath, his nostril's flaring. "The cop is lying to you. He has been cheating on you for months."