CHAPTER 53

A Bitter Pill To Swallow

It was Monday evening, a little over two weeks after I broke up with Morelli. I'd just finished my kickboxing class and was drinking a smoothie in the juice bar with Jeanne. I was lingering, not particularly eager to go back to my apartment. Plus, I was enjoying getting to know her better. She'd led an interesting life and wasn't shy about sharing her stories.

"I was shocked to find you teaching here at the gym," I told her. "I haven't seen you around Trenton since Annie and Evelyn left town."

"I try to fly under the radar," Jeanne said. "But when Denise opened the gym, she asked me for a favor. I confess. I haven't actually taught a kickboxing class before."

"I never would've guessed this was your first time teaching. I'm learning a lot in your class." We quietly drank our smoothies and then I asked, "Are you still working for Les Sebring?"

"He calls me in on certain cases, but mostly I freelance."

"You work for other bond agents?"

"I specialize in tracking down missing children, so I go wherever I'm needed."

"Wow, I had no idea," I said, viewing her with even more respect. "You really are a superhero."

"Superhero?" She laughed and tried to downplay her contribution to society.

"When I first me you, Connie, Lula, and I referred to you as Catwoman to Ranger's Batman."

"Catwoman… " She thought about it and shrugged. "I like it."

My phone rang for the third time in five minutes. Every time it rang, Jeanne stopped talking and looked at me, waiting to see if I was going to answer. I blew out a frustrated breath. My phone had been blowing up all day. As soon as I walked into the bond's office this morning, I knew something was going on. Connie and Lula wouldn't even look me in the eye. "Just spit it out," I said to them.

"Joe was spotted at a bar near Princeton over the weekend chatting up a young woman," Connie blurted, and then looked down at the file in her hands as if she couldn't bear to see the pain in my eyes.

I wasn't surprised to hear that Joe had found someone else to take my place in his bed, but I was surprised that it wasn't Terry. From what I witnessed between them in Philly, I was sure he'd run back to her to lick his wounds. Not that it was any of my business anymore. Now that the cat was out of the bag, there was no point in denying it, so I told them the truth. "Don't feel bad on my behalf. We broke up a couple weeks ago. Morelli's free to do whatever he wants." I waited for them to bombard me with questions, but I was met with silence, confusion, and maybe a little hurt that I hadn't confided in them.

My phone stopped ringing and then started again. "Are you going to answer that?" Jeanne asked as I glanced down at my gym bag, lying on the floor.

"News about my breakup with Joe has hit the Burg," I explained as I reached into the bag and pulled out my phone, noticing that a lot of the calls were from my mother. I quickly listened to the last voice mail from her. "Stephanie, this is your mother. Bring Joseph to dinner Friday—six o'clock." I sighed, knowing that she'd heard about the breakup. "I'm going to have to talk to her about the end of my relationship with Morelli," I told Jeanne as I turned off my phone.

Jeanne frowned, appalled on my behalf. "Will she pressure you to stay with a man who cheats on you?"

"No. It's not that," I tried to explain. "Growing up, my mother constantly warned me about those No-good Morelli boys. I didn't listen to her when I was a kid and I let him do something to me that I didn't really understand at the time." I looked down at my cup, watching the condensation from my drink dripping onto the table as I thought about going into the garage with him.

Jeanne's brows narrowed. I'm pretty sure she understood the kind of thing I was talking about but recognized that I didn't want to delve into the particulars.

"We were both kids, so I don't blame him for what he did. The point is that I didn't listen to her when I was six or when I was sixteen or when he came back into my life as an adult." I sat back in my chair, feeling comfortable sharing with her, which was a change for me. Usually, I hated talking about my personal life, but Jeanne made it easy. "My first case as a bounty hunter was to bring him in. Did you know that?"

"I checked you out when we first met." She admitted. "You've had some interesting cases."

"That's a polite way to put it," I said, knowing how the newspapers sensationalized my exploits. "I think Ranger agreed to train me simply so he could have a front row seat to all my screw ups… and as you know, there were plenty."

"I doubt you were that bad," she said, giving me the benefit of the doubt.

"I really was." I laughed. "I can laugh about it now, but at the time it wasn't funny. I was struggling to make ends meet and was seconds away from having to move back in with my parents… at my age." I visibly shuddered. "Everyone doubted that I could bring in a seasoned detective. And they were right to think that. I had no problem finding Morelli. I just couldn't get him to come to the station with me. He used his physical strength against me, so I had to get creative. In the end, I tricked him."

She was smiling as I told the story. "Oh, this is going to be good. Isn't it?"

"One of my finest moments. If I do say so myself." I shrugged and returned her smile, enjoying the moment as I said, "I locked him in the back of a refrigerator truck."

"You didn't." She laughed.

"I did," I assured her as I joined in her laughter.

"So, your mom eventually came around and decided that Joe Morelli was a stand-up guy?"

"She wasn't pleased when I first brought him to a family dinner. She tried to talk me out of seeing him, but I wouldn't listen… again. Eventually, she saw that I loved him, and it seemed like Morelli had changed. He was an upstanding member of the community now that he was a cop and had his own home. My mother's number one wish is for both of her daughters to settle down and I'm sure she was hoping things with Joe were heading in that direction."

"So, how did he go from being locked in a refrigerator truck to becoming your fiancé?"

"It happened over time." I shrugged. "I've always had a hard time saying no to him."

"Is this time different? Are you going to be able to stay away?"

"I get why you ask. We've been on and off so many times, but the difference this time is that we were in a committed relationship when he cheated. The trust is broken and there's no way for me to get it back." I paused for a minute and then added, "It turns out that Morelli was no better than Dickie."

"Dickie?"

"My ex-husband. We were briefly married until he cheated on me too. You're new to town, so you probably haven't heard about it, but our divorce made headlines for weeks. He was a rising star in the District Attorney's office and the scandal from our divorce ruined his aspirations for higher office."

"And you think I've led an interesting life," she scoffed.

"This time, the gossip will be much worse. Morelli is practically Burg royalty. They're going to tear me apart. If they don't know the facts, they'll make them up and spread them as if they're true."

"Why don't you tell them that he was caught cheating with… you know who," she whispered so the people nearby couldn't hear.

"That would just keep the rumors alive longer. I want this to go away quickly. In fact, I'm hoping your friend will agree to train me and I can get out of town for a while. Maybe even for good."

"He finally returned my call yesterday to tell me he'll think about it. I should know something in a couple days." She leaned back in her chair, changing the subject back to my mother. "She expects you to bring Morelli to dinner. What are you going to do?"

"When Friday rolls around, Morelli will not be sitting at my mother's dining room table. He's eaten his last meal at Casa Plum."

She smiled and nodded her head to emphasize her agreement.

Throughout the next day, rumors about my breakup continued to get worse. I tried to keep my head down, dodging the rude questions and pitying looks. I even managed to bring in a skip. As hard as my day had been, it was about to get harder. I was on my way to see Ranger to have a conversation that was probably not going to be received well.

I rode the elevator up to the seventh floor, my heart beating a nervous staccato against my ribs. We hadn't talked much since our heated conversation about boundaries, and I was worried our friendship had suffered irreparably. But when I texted him earlier asking him if I could come over, he responded quickly, telling me he'd see me tonight around eight.

When the elevator doors opened, he was standing in the doorway of his apartment waiting for me. My stomach flip flopped at the sight of him standing bare feet in gym pants and a black t-shirt, the ends of his hair still wet from a recent shower. "Have you eaten?" he asked as he stepped to the side, allowing me to enter. "I can have Ella send something up."

"Thanks," I said as I walked past him and into the kitchen, "but I grabbed a meatball sub from Pino's a little while ago."

Usually I'd have taken a seat on the stool at the island and gotten comfortable, but this wasn't a casual visit. While he studied me, I looked around his apartment, remembering the last time I used his place as a safe refuge. I'd been sitting at his desk in his office when he came home. He smiled and my chest did that funny fluttering thing and then he confessed, it's nice to find you here when I get home. Saying things like that was what made it hard for me to be around him right now. He makes me want him and then he takes the sentiment back. All I wanted was a partner to share my life with. I didn't necessarily need marriage and children. Just someone I could count on to have my back and me his. I didn't think I was asking too much.

He came to stand in front of me. "I see you got your cast off. Any problems?"

"No. I have an appointment with Dr. Carson tomorrow. He'll probably tell me that I don't need the splint anymore. He said something about sending me to physical therapy." It was awkward making small talk with Ranger. In a way, I felt like he was a stranger. Wanting to get out from under his scrutiny, I took the prepared check out of my bag and handed it to him. "Here, this is for you."

Instead of taking it, he crossed his arms over his chest and glanced down at the check and then back up at me. There was a flash of something in his eyes that could have been confusion or maybe it was anger. Either way, it was gone before I could analyze it. I thrust the check at him, urging him to take it, but he just stood there, staring at me and making me antsy. Finally, he reached out and slowly took the check from my hand. After he read it, he raised one eyebrow and asked, "Eight hundred thousand dollars?"

Mr. Knowles, from the bank, had advised me that I would owe around 40% in income taxes, so I held back $640,000 to take care of that. I also held back some to pay for bootcamp, and some to give to Mrs. Moffitt, and a little to keep me going until I got back on my feet. The rest I was giving to Ranger. I wasn't sure if it was enough to reimburse him for all the destroyed cars and the many hours he's had his men watching out for me, but it was all I had, and I needed to square things with him. Our friendship had been one-sided for far too long.

"Where did this money come from?"

"There was a reward for—" I stopped long enough to keep my emotions from bubbling over. It made me sick to think of being rewarded for bringing justice to the women in the cellar. Being alive when they were dead was hard enough to deal with. "I've never been in a position to pay you before, so I want you to have this money," I told him. As usual, I had no clue what was going on in his head, and since his face was blank, I forged ahead. "While I was missing, you neglected your company. That had to hurt your business, not to mention what you paid your men to search for me." I drew in a breath. "And that's not taking into account all the cars of yours that I've blown up over the years."

As if disgusted by my offering, he pushed the check back into my hand before turning his back on me. He walked to the living room and sat in the leather club chair, elbows on his knees, fingers steepled against his chin. His eyes were cast downward as if he couldn't look at me.

I followed him, stopping when my hip met the arm of the couch opposite him. This wasn't going how I'd planned. I stood silently waiting for him to say something. He stared at the floor, his voice sounding pained as he said, "I've never asked you for payment."

We were in a precarious place. I wanted to mean something to him—something more than entertainment. "I know you've never asked me to repay you, but I'm offering it to you anyway. I don't want this money, so take it. Please." I walked closer, holding the check out to him, hoping he'd just take the damn money, so I wouldn't have to think about it anymore.

He lifted his head, letting his eyes run up and down the length of my body, and then he sighed. "You look tired. I know you're not sleeping. Are you eating enough?"

"Yeah, I'm eating enough." Realizing he wasn't going to take the check from me, I let my hand drop to my side and took a seat on the couch.

"And when do you sleep?" he asked. "You're out running at all hours. I don't have to tell you how dangerous that is."

"Dangerous?" I huffed. "How can it be dangerous when you have your men tailing me 24/7? That costs money, Ranger. Take the check." I laid it on the coffee table between us. "And call off your men."

Anyone else would have missed the little tick beside his left eye as he said, "No."

"No?" I asked in disbelief. "Your friendship is important to me, but it can't continue under these conditions."

"You're displaying an unhealthy pattern of behavior, Babe. You're not sleeping, you're not eating enough, you spend all your time at that new gym. I don't like what I'm seeing."

I stayed silent while I let his description of me sink in. I hated that he was judging me. "I'm putting one foot in front of the other, the best way I know how."

"Why won't you let me help you?"

"Because you can't." It pained me to say that to him because more than anything I wished that I could fall into his arms and take the support he was offering, but I drew a line between us to protect myself. If I gave in now, I would be lost. Didn't he see that?

"But you'll let Hector help you?" he asked, pausing for a minute before continuing. "You go to the gun range with him almost every day and he spends hours every evening with you in your apartment." He was doing his best to hide his anger, but I heard traces of it.

I didn't want him to think he wasn't important to me. He meant more to me than anyone. "You're one of my best friends, but right now, I can't lean on you." I shook my head, saddened that our friendship had come to this. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

"This is because of my stance on relationships. You're trying to put distance between us."

"I'm trying to keep the lines between us from blurring any further," I told him, trying one more time to get him to understand. "Just take the money, Ranger. I don't want it."

"You want to pay your debt to me as you so nicely put it and walk away." His eyes studied me, assessing. "Is this because of Morelli?"

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. Of course, he knew about Morelli, everyone did. "Morelli isn't part of my life anymore."

He sat back in his chair. "You'll work it out, Babe. You always do."

"Not this time," I said with conviction, irritated that he didn't believe me.

He paused, weighing his words. "You found out about Terry Gilman." It was a statement, not a question.

My eyes must have widened to the size of saucers. "You knew?" I snorted. Who am I kidding, of course he knew. Ranger knew everything. "How long have you known?" I needed to know the exact day he found out. If he'd kept this from me, I'd never be able to trust him again. Ever.

"I thought it was suspicious that he'd go out of town so soon after you got home. My contacts at the police department informed me that he was taking a few days personal time and wasn't on assignment like he said. I had someone follow him to a house in Philly owned by Terry Gilman. Considering he was gone all weekend it was a natural assumption that something was going on between them."

"Were you going to tell me?"

"Babe, you have a history of only seeing what you want to see. And you know what always happens to the messenger?"

"So, you weren't going to tell me?"

"After what you've been through, you needed time to adjust before this was dumped on you. As long as you were staying at your apartment and not at his house, I could give you that time." At my stunned expression, he added, "Surely, this didn't come as a surprise. I did warn you about his intentions when we were in Orlando."

"No." I slowly shook my head. "You said he'd been stringing me along since we were kids." He continued looking at me with a blank face. "That's not the same thing as telling me he's cheating on me."

"People acknowledge what they want. You're a smart woman. I assumed you didn't want to see it."

I took a deep breath to settle myself. "You thought I would just go along with him cheating on me?"

"I'm not privy to the inner workings of your relationship." He calmly stated. "On again, off again. You were with me on occasion. For all I knew it was an arrangement you had with him. It's not up to me to keep track of your boyfriend. I make sure you don't get broken, not your heart."

His words stung, but I knew he was right. I looked down at the floor, avoiding his penetrating gaze. I took deep breaths trying to drown out his past declarations as they floated around in my head.

My lifestyle doesn't lend itself to relationships.

Your running up quite a bill, I assume you'll tell me when you're ready to settle your account.

I bleed money every time you need protection.

I have you listed under entertainment.

You're comedy relief for my entire team.

There are all kinds of love, this kind doesn't call for a ring, but a condom might come in handy.

And the last one, the biggest lie of all.

You have all the power, Babe.

Power? My heart seized and I shook my head at my stupidity. What a joke! The only power I had was whether I spread my legs for him. This man didn't love me. When a man loves a woman, he doesn't tell her she isn't worth making a few changes to his 'lifestyle'… and he damn sure doesn't send her back to another man's bed. This sudden realization was a bitter pill to swallow

I finally lifted my head, emboldened by my new perspective. "You want to know what I think?" I smiled thinly, sadness permeating my whole body, right down to my toes. "In Orlando, I think you told me just enough to change my mind about sleeping with you, but not enough to convince me to break it off with Joe. I also think you like having me in a relationship with another man. He meets all of my emotional needs, while you slip in to fuck me when you have the time."

His nostrils flared, and for a minute, I thought I'd gone too far.

"The funny thing is… " My eyes flashed with mocking humor and I huffed out a laugh. "I didn't have sex with you in Orlando because of what you said about Morelli stringing me along." I shook my head and laughed harder at my own stupidity. "It was the pool table, that fucking pool table." I leaned forward, sliding the check along the coffee table. "If you don't take the money, you're making me a woman who fucks you for cars and protection and contrary to what you or anyone else thinks… I am not a whore."

Instead of becoming hotheaded with rage when he's angry, Ranger gets calm… eerily calm. It's almost as if he goes to a safe realm to process his emotions. When he finally spoke, his voice was steady but intense. "I'm going to ignore that because you're upset, but I don't want to ever hear you call yourself that again."

"Why not? We make deals for sex. Deals to bring in skips. Deals for destroying your cars." I calmly paused and thought about it. "Yup. Sounds like a whore to me."

"You're angry," he said. "If you need to take your anger out on someone, I understand." He paused to take a deep breath that almost sounded like a sigh. "I'm always here for you. I'm not going anywhere. I wish you'd open up about what happened to you in the cellar. Just talk to me, Babe."

I couldn't help the laugh that slipped out. Talk? Did he just advise me to talk? The man didn't know the meaning of the word. Ironically, a couple months ago, I would have told him anything he wanted to know, but things changed that day in my apartment when I laid my heart out to him. Now I had to rely on myself. No one else. No matter how much a person tells you they love you, they always let you down. And besides it's not like he confides in me.

He'd been looking at me with narrowed eyes, waiting for me to let him in on what was so funny, but what was the point. There wasn't anything for me here. There never had been. Unless you count occasionally warming his bed or waiting around for him to slip into mine.

"If you won't talk to me, let me find another therapist, one you're comfortable with."

"I'm fine," I said as I got to my feet.

"You're not fine." He rose from his chair to stand in front of me, eyes narrowing. "You're different."

"People change." I shrugged.

His face wasn't blank anymore. He was looking at me with love… compassion… pity… I couldn't be sure which one.

I felt my face start to get hot and my eyes began to burn. I looked up at the ceiling, trying not to blink. If I blinked, the tears would fall. I had to get out of here. I left the check on the coffee table and practically ran for the door. He reached for me but missed. "I have to go," I said over my shoulder. I made it out of his apartment and instead of pushing the button to draw the elevator, I ran down the stairs. Halfway down to the sixth floor, I heard the stairway door slam shut above me, and knew he wasn't coming after me. I don't know if I was grateful or disgusted by my pathetic wish that he would.

Ranger's POV

"Fuck," I said, dropping my head back and running my hand down my face. I couldn't let her leave… not like this. I started for the door with the intention of bringing her back. Just as I stepped out of my apartment, the stairwell door closed behind her. She was running from me and chasing her would make everything worse. I went back inside to pull up the video feed. I needed to see for myself that she was okay to drive. As I made my way to my home office, I spotted the damn check, still lying on the coffee table, and picked it up, balling it in my fist. There was no way in hell I was cashing it.

Just as she hit the landing for the fifth floor, the stairwell door opened, and Lester burst in. They bumped into each other, nearly knocking her down. My instincts screamed for me to rush down and save her, but I knew I wouldn't get to her in time. I watched as Lester's arms came around her to keep her from falling. I was grateful that he was there until I saw the look in his eyes. He wanted her. I suspected as much. Lester was a good guy, a good cousin, and a good soldier. Something had happened to him on his last tour, but he wouldn't divulge what it was, and I couldn't find out because his mission had been classified. Whatever it was, it had changed him. He hadn't dated since then. And that was over three years ago. In fact, I hadn't seen him with a woman at all, except Stephanie.

Stephanie quickly glanced up to see who had caught her, and visibly relaxed when she saw that it was Lester. In that brief moment, I saw that her face was wet with tears. She immediately lowered her head before Lester could get a better look, but his frown told me he'd also seen her tears and since she'd been coming down from the seventh floor, I was most likely the reason for them. He glanced up at the camera, situated in the upper corner. Knowing me as well as he did, he knew I was watching and listening. He turned her so that her back was to the camera and I couldn't see her face anymore. Asshole.

Lester's attention returned to Stephanie. "Hey, what's going on? Are you hurt?" he asked.

"No," she said as she straightened the strap of her bag higher on her shoulder. "I just need to get out of here."

"Okay, Beautiful," he said as he smoothed her bangs off her forehead. "No problem. But first, tell me what happened to make you so upset?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Do I need to kill someone?" he joked, but I knew he was serious. Somehow, Hector and Lester had bonded with her. On one hand I was grateful they were willing to keep her safe and on the other hand I was jealous because she was turning to them instead of me. Jealousy was an emotion I wasn't familiar with and I didn't enjoy it.

She looked up at him. "No killing anyone on my behalf," she said and sighed. "I guess you heard about Morelli and Terry Gilman?"

He nodded. "I heard about it yesterday and asked Hector if the rumors were true. He admitted they were and that you already knew."

"It's true, alright."

"Is that how you found out? The rumors."

"No, I found out a couple weeks ago, but I'll tell you about that another time." So, she'd known as long as I had. I doubt Morelli confessed. I wonder how she found out. And then it dawned on me. Hector. I thought I was doing the right thing by not piling more on her shoulders than she could handle. But maybe if I'd told her when I first found out she wouldn't have felt betrayed by me. Stephanie doesn't give her trust easily and I didn't want to lose it.

"I haven't eaten," Lester told her. "What if I pick something up and we watch a movie tonight?"

"I ate a meatball sub earlier, but I'm up for watching a movie, if you want."

He looked her up and down. "You could use another meal. How about I pick up Chinese?" he coaxed and damned if she didn't relent. I tired not to be hurt that she'd refused the dinner I offered, but it felt like she was shutting me out and I didn't like it.

"I'm out of beer," she told him and looked back down at the floor.

"No problem. I can stop by the grocery store and pick up some cold ones."

Her eyes flew to his as if he was doing her an amazing favor. "Rex is out of baby carrots. While you're there, could you pick up a pack?" she hesitantly asked.

"Got it, Beautiful," he immediately agreed. "Does Rex need anything else?"

"Maybe a box of strawberry Poptarts. He likes a little bite before bed. Actually, I'm kinda running low on several things." She looked away as if her admission was painful.

"I know the kinds of foods you like," he said without question. "I'll just get a little of everything. How's that sound?"

She was beaming with gratitude when she looked back up at him. "That sounds great. Thank you," she said and then her smile fell, and her eyes widened as if she remembered something important. "Just… no ice cream, okay?" She was shaking her head for emphasis. What was her problem with ice cream? It had something to do with her time in the cellar, but I didn't know what it could be.

Lester studied her, most likely remembering how she freaked out in the hospital when he brought her ice cream and remembering my telling him that she'd thrown all the cartons in her freezer away when she got home, but he didn't ask any questions. "Got it. No ice cream. Anything else?"

"Nope," she said and then started pulling her wallet out of her messenger bag.

He put his hand on her arm, stilling her. "We'll settle up when I get to your place. Come on," he said as he slung his arm around her shoulder, "walk with me to the garage. You can be my bodyguard." She elbowed him in the ribs and laughed. "What? You don't think all this is worth guarding?" He rubbed his free hand up and down his chest. "This body is a work of art." She giggled. She literally giggled.

I switched to the garage camera and sure enough, Hector was leaning against her Jeep… waiting. "Hermano," Lester said as he and Hector did their complicated handshake. Steph waited until they were done and leaned into Hector giving him a hug.

"Have you been crying?" he asked, narrowing his eyes at her.

"I had something in my eye. I'm good now."

Hector raised an eyebrow, knowing he wasn't getting the full story.

"This one wants Chinese." Lester pointed at Stephanie. "You gonna join us?" he asked Hector.

"Lester's coming over to stream a movie. Will you come too?"

"Si," he said to Stephanie.

"Text me your orders," Lester said as he got in his car and sped off.

"You can ride with me and Lester can give you a ride home later?" she said to Hector, "or you can stay the night if you want." Was I imagining it or was that hope in her eyes?

Hector must have seen it to because he said, "I can stay over if you want." She nodded as if it had been decided and instead of taking the keys from her so he could drive, he got into the passenger seat and they drove out of the garage.

I shut off the computer and unclenched my left fist, dropping the wadded up check onto my desk. I took a few deep breaths, trying to get myself under control. I'd never been this angry with her. I didn't understand what was going through her mind. She said I made her feel like a whore. Was that true? If it was, it was never my intention. And now she wanted to pay me back for everything I've done for her. I did all those things because I wanted to, not because I expected to be repaid. Didn't she understand that?

Just when I thought my anger was going to burn out of control, my eyes settled on the little Porsche Boxster and the garbage truck she got me for Christmas. They weren't expensive or rare, but they were priceless to me. I picked them up off the desk, holding them carefully. They were the only things in my entire apartment that had any personal connection to me. Normally when I looked at them happiness welled up inside me but right now their presence made me feel empty.

As I stared at the cars in my hand, I thought about the things she said to me tonight. I had no idea my actions were causing her to feel bad about herself. I didn't mean to confuse her or hurt her. She is the bright spot in the darkness of my life. When I first met her, I pegged her as the quintessential girl next door and definitely not the type of woman I usually went for. I liked my women curvy with an abundance of tits and ass. Of course, a pretty face was required to go along with those assets. In my younger days, it was all about the conquest. I never hung around any longer than it took for me to get what I wanted. And I rarely went back for seconds. But that reckless young guy ended up getting an innocent girl pregnant.

I put the toy cars in their place on my desk and leaned back in my chair, thinking about how badly I messed up back then. Rachel was the younger sister of one of the guys I graduated with. She was a good girl but not completely innocent. We met at a beach party some of the guys from the old neighborhood were throwing. She'd just turned eighteen and was out that night because she was lonely and hurting. A couple months prior, her boyfriend had dumped her before leaving for college. She was looking for someone to pour her heart out to and I was looking to get laid before heading overseas. That one drunken coupling with a faulty condom had made me a father for life.

From that moment on, I was meticulously careful not to let anything like that happen again, and it wasn't just to avoid creating another human. I wore a condom because I didn't want to risk my health. When I was younger, and enjoying the party scene, I didn't hesitate to pick up women in bars, take them to a hotel room or back to their place for a few hours of sex. As soon as we were done, I was gone. After I left the military, I didn't want to play the pickup sex game anymore. These days I have a couple of women I call when I need to release some steam. I make sure they're tested and practice safe sex. For me, it's the responsible way to handle my needs. The only woman I've ever gone without a condom with is Stephanie.

I closed my eyes, thinking about our time in Hawaii. I got so caught up in the romance of being part of a couple that for the first time ever I forgot the condom. Being inside of her bare and feeling her hot wetness strangling me made me want to stay there with her in paradise for the rest of my life. But then Morelli showed up and everything changed. I'd never felt such rage toward another human being than I had when he inserted himself into our happy cocoon. Over the years, it has been hard for me knowing they were in a sexual relationship and that she turned to him in the night for comfort, letting him inside her body. That knowledge pushed me to the edge of my control. I've only ever experienced jealousy in regard to Stephanie, but while she's having her sexual needs met, I have needs too.

The women I have arrangements with know the score. Even though it's a mutually beneficial exchange, I'm careful to make sure they don't develop feelings. Salina is what some would call a friend with benefits. I met her while attending a lunch meeting with my uncle Alejandro and my cousin Eduardo in Miami. She was serving our table and of course, Eduardo hit on her. I was pleased to watch her shut him down cold and even more intrigued when I caught her glancing in my direction a few times during lunch. After a thorough background check, I went back to the restaurant alone just in time for her shift to end. We were together a few times while I set up the business and our arrangement sort of took shape. She wasn't looking to settle down and appreciated my financial help. She was able to move into a nice condo without a roommate and start her training with a major airline. If she needs something, she asks and I try to help her, but we don't spend our time together talking about our hopes and dreams for the future.

The other woman I see occasionally is entirely focused on her career with no room for a committed relationship. It's something we both have in common. The only difference between her and Salina is that I don't pay her lease or give her spending money. If I offered, she'd consider it an insult. It's harder for us to get together because of our schedules, but when we do, the rules are the same. No sleepovers. No dates. It's a mutually satisfying arrangement that only works as long as both partners are playing by the same rules.

Stephanie is not like them. I've eaten meals with her. I've cooked for her. I've even taken her to restaurants… under the guise of business but still, it's more than I've given any other woman. She has no idea how much of me she has. Sometimes, it's too much. I don't mean to push and pull, but I'm only human. I want. I need. I take. Does that make me an asshole? Probably.

My arrangements might seem callously self-serving, but at this point in my life I'm not interested in a relationship. I've never been in one and don't intend to change that. I like being able to come and go as I please without having to take someone else's wishes into account. If I want to accept a mission that takes me away from Trenton for several months, then I can do that without letting anyone down. But there are times when I feel weighed down by the loneliness of my lifestyle. That's when I make comments to Stephanie about sharing closet space and think of offering her more. If I was ready to settle down, I would want her at my side. For her, I would even say please.