Kit Herondale

"When you least expect it, that will become a moment when you are your most unprotected and vulnerable to your own mind and emotions.''

Entry 591
-Even when it seems like the most impossible thing, I can't stop seeing people as him. Every single day. In the streets, I walk down, in the stores I enter, in the dark alleyways of my missions or nighttime musings. Black hair shining and soft, striking grey eyes, headphones white and bold. They only need one of these qualities to make me freeze. Part of me praying that he will just pass me by and forgot everything we had done and my presence. And the other part, impatiently trying desperately to reach out with my whole body, to have him notice, to feel, to know I was standing right there. In his life. Like I still wanted to be a part of his life.-

These days, I felt like there were two sides to my existence that fought for control over every instinct, decision or reaction I went through. Fights that could last for hours and were as bloody and painful and anything I had felt. After a while of this suffering I underwent, I decided to call them The Herondale and the Rook. Two sides to my life.

Herondale was very predictable, I only had to open the Shadowhunter history books, or listen to any Shadowhunter talk about Jace to Will, or James. We stood alone to protect others, tried to hide weaknesses, and screamed about our problems in silence. Self-sacrificing, scared, lonely. Ingrained into our very natures. It's in your blood.

I thought about it sometimes, that if I had just gone through my life not knowing anything about what being a Herondale meant, I could have had the strength to stay. If only being part of the Shadowhunters, the Shadow World or even the First Heir lineage, hadn't come with the crushing weight of honour and dignity of the path that came with the family name, I might even have enjoyed staying. I certainly couldn't argue with that point and that's why I still half hated myself for deciding to become a half baked emotional wreak of a Herondale.

Before I knew I carried just a family name, my thoughts and feelings had been more powerful and easier to express. After I went over all the stories of my Shadowhunter ascendants, I started to feel that it was our curse to burn alone. To be better alone. To avoid further heartbreak and rejection. To be unloved.

So I wished with all my heart to go back into the persona of the Rook and die with that soul etched into the history of my life. A risktaker. A con artist. To give in to desires to take what you wanted, whatever the cost. To sacrifice on a chance. To play every last card. Have them as your own. To treasure someone to that extent, making them worthy to be named as your own was all that you needed in life.

Then that moment faded when recognition went away. Always a fault or a flaw suddenly appearing in the other person, releasing me from the spell he had cast upon me. All my pain, hurt and humiliation coming back in a rush, with no chance for healing.

For despite all the running and escaping, I still longed to have some recognition that I was... Someone to him. To be that special part of his life. To understand and see him like nobody else could. Even if he had become a Rook in mine.

I believe now that I intended to forevermore be tied and entrapped by Ty Blackthorn.

Lying back didn't seem to be helping sleep coming forth, not that it was any better to go through. Long winding dreams of a blue-lit ballroom, much like the one downstairs. I stepped inside, dressed in a suit of blue. Behind me, the silvery doors were pushed open to reveal him.

He looked the same as I remembered, I didn't expect I would happen to see him differently. Soft black hair curling around his face. His open grey eyes steeled and calm. Taller than me. Wearing a suit of white and gold, casting him a halo in this midnight place. Bright as a falling star.

At that moment even time seemed momentarily stopped as I froze before him. Oh, Blackthorn embers encircle me. It was part of the songs I wrote about Ty. A whole journal full of them. Pages and pages of poetry on his eyes, his lips, the way he thought and the way he moved.

First of all, it had been just a simple journal I kept with me. I started writing in it before I even knew I happened to be a Shadowhunter.

-Entry 1: Pretty much a quoted rendition about a day where I had hidden in the basement then all of a sudden surprised from a boy and held hostage at knifepoint, by a boy with eyes of gray steel eyes afterwards featuring an essay long report of how your almost kidnapper could be the prettiest thing the universe could thrust at you.

I just went on from there, the pages becoming more detailed by the day. Guess I just have to get another one then. Make a series of Ty Blackthorn and sell it to his family. Teaching them what they needed to know about Ty. Already I could imagine my next entry.

Entry 745

-Ty approached me with his head lowered, blue witch-light and silvery moonlight only reaching his high cheekbones, ash gray eyes gleaming like a cat from the shadows. His steps slow and graceful. Boots clicking in a canopy of notes, until we were face to face, hardly space enough to breathe between us.-

-"Hello Kit", Here his voice didn't waver, didn't catch, he said what he meant. Something that forever made every nerve in my body yell for me too escape and keep running. To find a place as far as I could go away from this beautiful boy. In all my dreams it was always me who stepped back first. Again and again.-

Suddenly the dreamworld came back into focus. Until now, since this time, before I could get more than two steps into an escapist dance, Ty had quickly decided to try a different dance to the one I planned to execute, starting with reaching out and catching hold of my left arm.

This is all a dream, it had to be, the real Ty Blackthorn isn't like this. Yes, he was as graceful and elegant as a Shadowhunter, but he would never touch without asking, without hesitation. He disliked most human contact.

Maybe that was why. As if to counteract my thoughts, a postcard floated to the ground at my feet, 'Wish you were here. T.B.' Bullshit, Ty, that doesn't even sound like you. "Months of nothing and you suddenly send me that, what do you even mean by it."

Ty suddenly shivered, becoming shrouded, then almost blinding in white and gold light so dazzling that I shielded my eyes against it. Stop backing away, Kit Rook. Calm yourself. Wait for the boy to make his move. Keep your eyes closed. He won't move if he's overwhelmed. It was my father's voice. Never a good sign. Ty had already made his choices, and I didn't even try to stop him from going into the danger of necromancy on his own until it ended up being too late. Still, he didn't deserve to have the same danger I was under, danger my family suffered and died over.

Ty wasn't going to die because of me. Better for me to remain alone, and end this cycle. The Lost Herdondales would end with me. That's is my promise.

Still, I relaxed my tense muscles, slowed my breathing to a steady rate, kept my eyes closed. This was just a dream, after all, a better dream than most days.

If he decided to abandon me here, alone and in the dark, then so be it. I pray I never have this dream again. Actually, since it was my mind, he probably would vanish.

Again this Ty proved me wrong as he stayed close to me. Cold fingers began to loosen on my arm, only to enticingly drift upwards slow enough for both of us to take in every sensation of this touch, crossing over my shoulder to press across my chest, Until he circled around behind me, holding me tightly to himself with both his hands wrapping around my waist. I took a harsh intake of breath as I felt his firm body pushing up against mine. Entrapping me to him.

Shaking as he did so, his head came to rest gently on my shoulder, onyx hair shifting constantly on my cheek.

A soft whispering started Ty's melody of words. Unhurried and meaningful, our way of expressing feelings and thoughts, only ours. I took in the rhythm, the tone, as we danced around the ballroom. The order of Ty's words and what lay unsaid between them and between us. Whisper. Close. Apple. Glass, unseeable barrier. We drew apart, touching only by the tip of our fingers. Crystal, corrupted. Ty drew a step closed twining his arm to touch as he circled me again. We came to stare at each other.

Twin, Livvy and Ty. A stab of pain struck in the chest, Ty used only the tips of his fingers, I could neither move aside to raise any movement in defence. I came to kneel before my delicate attacker. Shadow, of myself. The light around the whole room dimmed as Ty swiftly lifted me up with both hands and twirled me around, leaving me gasping for air. Stars, distant beautiful lights. All the light swam around my body, throwing me into blinding centre to the room as if I became a conductor of all the light that Ty instantly moved towards. Lilt, gentle voice. After he finished, he waited as the light around me dimmed to a deep glow.

I started my side of this song. Ty didn't move, watching me intently. Whisper, Secret, of ours. I held the unfathomable deep gaze between us. Cloud, brings forth the rain. Tears flew from Ty's eyes, down his cheeks, leaving shimmering trails on his luminous white skin. Highway, when I see you. His white characteristic headphones suddenly appeared around his neck. A stark difference to Ty's hair. Hurricane, of my thoughts and emotions. Ty, please keep coming closer. I miss you, help me stand in the eye of your storm.

Mirror, myself. Those two sides of me fought on their opposing parts of my mind. A Rook and a Herondale. When it came to seeing Ty Blackthorn, what they did was what I feared most of all. This is just a dream. You have nothing to fear. Just watch this play out, you want to anyway.

So I stood there tensely, staring fixedly at Ty, unable to move. He turned his head slowly to watch as those shadows took form, his eyes though drifted much more quickly. One flew in a run towards the door, beckoning me to follow. He doesn't want you. He never held any value in you. He only exploit you again if you stay. He knows you will do anything he wishes. Come away from this weakness.

By now, I knew which side I should listen too. Less chance of pain, but I could tell that Herondale wasn't about holding onto my true feelings. Castle, unbreakable fortress. Run Herondale, become the lone warrior you eventually have to be.

The other shadow turned to face the runaway and hissed. If that is what it is called, then I'll just have to exploit him in return. He is here, despite everything. He wants this. Rook drifted purposefully up to Ty, black fingers touching his face, wiping away his tears. it was warm and wet. Wait for him, and eventually, beautifully, Ty nodded to Rook before wrapping an arm behind him and holding me close to himself, Rook responded similarly. We both of us feeling the longing to bring forward the proximity we had danced with moments before. Please, by the Angel./Do not lead me wrong you cursed Rook.

Rook laughed, a single note of joyous victory. See, he is right here with me. He's come so far just for you. You know better than anyone that he needed time to processes you and Livvy, grief can make people strange and reckless. You're not Livvy, you're Kit. You'll never replace his twin because you are Kit to him, and your bond was one of a different kind. There is no reason to grieve any longer Kit. Rook leaned in to kiss Ty lightly on the cheek. Affectionate, unforceful. An unstoppable wave of emotion rose up inside to fill my whole body. Blackthorn, Tiberius Nero. My life lies in your hands.

Then somehow in this space where we stood together in the same room, we understood the others meaning clearly. Herondale had vanished, something I happened to be quite grateful for while one shadow returned to my body and Ty came at me at a run, tears still falling, nearly bringing us crashing to the ground. Staggering for a moment, I held him there, I felt his racing heart, my heart feeling like it would shatter when this moment.

Shock, like a lightning bolt, struck my body. Nothing more than a dream, this will fade away come morning. Remembering dreams didn't matter right now.

"What do you need?" I whispered watching over Ty's shoulder. Unexpectedly a letter floated down from the ceiling. Well, maybe not so unexpected these days. Guess I kinda expected something a little more... No, Ty could deal with his feelings any way he wanted. If Ty decided to leave with a letter, then nothing in all the realities will stop me reading it. The boy in my arms noticed me tense and said faintly "Goodbye Kit, please accept my letters. Please read it."

Ty placed a hand gently upon my arm, I disentangled myself from him and let him walk out from the ballroom, but forgot to close the door of the room. I just lay there, fuming as sleep began to leave me with the thought. Damn you beautiful fucker. You don't just get out of this with just a dance and a few letters. I'm still angry about you, partly since I can't stop thinking of you.

Cold air rushed across my body, and with a dozen different ways to kill someone coming into a mental pattern, I opened eyes. The source of the unanticipated chill that hit me was that my blankets had somehow fallen, neatly folded, to the end of my bed. First sign of danger, a clean bedroom.

Moonlight came streaming in from the open window, it must have been the early hours of the still night then. There was no one in the room but me. That much I could tell. Nothing was out of place. That was the second sign of danger, an open window.

With a shock, I rose up from the bed, already gripping a stylish dagger from under my pillow, yes I happened to have more death threats looming upon me than most, so don't laugh. Actually I think most other Shadowhunters kept weapons on them all the time, anyway.

Before I could approach the window, I saw a shadowy outline, lounging on the windowsill. This shadow must have noticed me for a second later, for it gave a harsh unhuman cry as it fell back out the open window. In my half-awake state, apart from wanting some chocolate chip cookies. My thoughts flooded with three possibilities. Herondale, Rook... Ty... I have to reach the window, that is all that matters right now.

My body didn't reach my window for That cry commanded that I fall back into my bed again, so I did so, everything faded into a flash of white until everything went dark, as a single white letter landed soundlessly over of my heart.

I wrote most of this chapter to get through a depressive state. So I hope it helps others too. Kit is probably going to be one of the truest characters I can form, and I had wanted to make him as close as I can to the original, unfortunately now he's become one of the most confusing characters I have to joy of writing. Always happens. Thank yous all for reading

Sorry if this chapter is also one of the most confusing things I have written. What with the dream state and the diary entries.

Firebird8000.