Check out my Gravity Falls fic, Gravity Falls - Cold Starry Winter to find out what Ford was doing before this chapter.
Chapter 9: MonStar part 2
"State your name for the record."
The old man sighed:
"Stanford Pines."
"Place of residence?"
"Gravity Falls, Oregon… of Earth?"
"I'll just put you down for Universe GF12. Species?"
"Homo sapiens, I guess, though I may have two-dimensional matrices imbedded in my blood. Must've picked it up when I visited the two-dimensional dimension. Only found out about it a few months ago."
"Right, I'll make a mental note of that."
Quasar was a very calculating, cautious person. That I learned from watching her work. Everything must be organized and ordered correctly. This old man was the odd one out of the new bunch of Star recruits we gathered from the pirates. That I could understand. Mom was a very orderly person, too. Marco called it OCD I think?
What really boggled my mind on the other hand was the slight tone of grim and fear in her voice. The six fingered old man had not noticed it yet, but I sure did. Spending time around her all this time let me pick up a few quirks from the other founders. She would often ring her bell at a four seconds interval instead of the usual three, and her lips would purse ever so slightly.
Did she know something about that box that I did not?
"Who did you say you kids were again?" Asked Stanford.
"We're the one asking the questions here," Quasar snapped back, to which I immediately stepped in:
"Calm down now, let's not antagonize anybody. We have enough enemies as it is. Apologies, mister. We're still kind of new at this whole thing. I'm Star Butterfly, this is Quasar Caterpillar. And we're the Space Warni-Corps."
"Warni-what?"
"It's a pun on warnicorns," I smiled.
"Hmm… that does ring a bell," he said.
"Well, it should," said Quasar. "We sent out a multiversal message not long ago, it should travel beyond time and space."
"Fascinating," he scratched his chin.
"We are getting off track, however. Please, MonStar, do not interfere in official business unless you have something productive to add to the procedure."
"Look, I don't know who you think I am, but I assure you, you got the wrong guy."
"Is that a fact?" Quasar raised her eyebrow, "Wanted criminal across multiple galaxies? Stretching across beyond from the borders of Lottocron 9 to Universe GF52? A quick search of your record already let me know everything I need to know."
"How did you…"
"Sixth dimensional magic wand," Quasar cut him off, showing him her bell, "most powerful weapon in the universe. Get used to it."
"Listen here!" Stanford slammed his fist on the table, "You kids don't understand what's at stake here. If I don't get back to my home dimension soon, my brother's going to be iced, literally!"
"Let's back up a bit here and get one thing straight," Quasar stared down the old man, unafraid of the difference in size between an adult and a teen, "I do not care whether or not you are a criminal. We are spread thin enough as it is, whatever you did is probably petty compared to what we have on our plate."
"I don't know why, but I feel a little insulted," Stanford sat back down.
"What I want to know…" Quasar pulled from underneath the table a peculiar rectangular shaped cuboid looking device with insanely intricate circuits glowing brightly on its surface, "… is why you have a Mother Box in your possession."
The box was glowing with mysterious energies, it was almost as if the device was actually alive. Laying there dormant, still, waiting, deep in its slumber; contemplating some truths I was not aware of. I felt its uneasy eyes upon me, even though I knew for a fact it was nonsense – boxes are objects, and objects don't have eyes… or at least… that was what I thought.
"I don't know what this thing is," said Stanford. "One moment I was being pulled into a swirling portal, the next I was drifting in endless space with this thing in my hand. That's when you ran into me."
"What exactly is this thing, if you don't mind me asking?" I grabbed on Quasar's shoulder, only to have her shake her head in grim solemnity.
"I do not know," she answered, to my absolute surprise.
"What did you say?"
"If you don't know then what are you arresting me for?"
She explained:
"I do not know – because the magic wand does not know."
"But… that's impossible," I said. "The wand knows… well… everything."
"Evidently not," said Quasar. "You ever heard of the New Gods?"
I shook my head.
"Neither have I," she replied, "and that is a cause for concern. When I laid hands on the Mother Box, she told me who she was, said that she came from the Fourth World of the New Gods. It is the first I have ever heard of them. She would not tell me more about them after pressing the matter. Even if this old man is innocent, I simply cannot let him go, for practical purposes. You understand, don't you, MonStar?"
"Well…"
"Hmm…" Quasar glanced back behind the glass window in this room, towards where the other Stars were, "hold that thought for a moment. Do me a favor and go check on the others, yeah? I want to know what's going on."
"Why don't you do it yourself? I'll keep the interview going," I said.
To which she responded by shaking her head:
"Can't, orders from the Princess. A deal is a deal. I have to do the paperwork she assigned and all the heavy lifting."
"You seriously have to tell me what happened back there on that Blood Moon."
"Are you going to do it or not?"
"Hmm, fine, but don't rough up the old man too bad, you hear? I'm going to teach you about a new revolutionary idea called kindness when I get back."
"I'm not that old, you know?" Said Stanford.
"Also do me a favor and don't forget to fill out your paperwork perfectly," she told me as I was leaving. "And when I say perfect, I mean per-fect, with a capital P. The Prissy Princess is very annoying on that front. You make one mistake and she's going to force the both of us to start from scratch. Mostly me though, she'll give you a pass for sure, for some strange reason."
"I'll make sure my handwriting is perfect then."
Ah, new recruits. Our work up until this point had finally started to pay off. We were still understaffed, the multiverse's size remained massive, and not all of the Stars we rescued from the pirates were willing to join. But a total of five new recruits was not a bad start in my book.
The first was Cat Star of Universe SVT17. She was the first to take up on our offer of joining the Corps. She did not hesitate one bit to take the oath, for she knew she was princess of her world, and many felines of Mewni were defenseless against the forces of Evil. She witnessed firsthand cruelty done upon her people, refusing was not an option. We shared a kindred spirit for that, one I shall never forget.
Then there were Star Lucitor and Star Avarius, very curious these two Stars. But if there was a version of myself who was a daughter to a barbarian River Johansen then I suppose anything was possible. The Lucitor girl bore a striking resemblance to Tom back home. Ah, Tom, what a sweet boy he was. He was always supportive of me, a very meek, quiet young man, but incredibly thoughtful and caring. I felt similar vibes with the Avarius girl as well, very much resembling Ludo, son of Lord Brudo. We knew each other back home, too. We monsters had to stick together and look out for one another. Our royal status meant much less compared to our Mewman peers. I wondered then what Ludo was up to at this very moment, was he and his family safe in hiding? I must complete this mission quickly, to return home and free my people.
The last two of the new recruits made me scratch my head, however. Something about them didn't sit right with me. Star of SVT491 and Star of SVT8391, lovingly nicknamed Business Star and Super Star by 63. Business Star was neat, tidy, tied her hair back into a nice tail, and wore a sleek looking black suit with a red tie around her neck. She said little since she first got here other than her initial raising of her hand to volunteer for the Corps and other small talks. I had absolutely no idea what her endgame was.
But I was certain it had something to do with Super Star. Bizarrely, this Star wore a skintight yellow spandex suit made of uniquely bright polymer, printed on her chest was the symbol of the initial S, and on her shoulders was a blue cape flowing in the wind as she hovered above the ground. I could sense great magical prowess from her even before she took up the sixth dimensional wand we handed out. She wore a strong smile when she first volunteered, determined and strong. How the pirates managed to contain her brightness and strength was beyond me.
That all came crashing down the moment she met Business Star, instantly, the smile disappeared. In its place was a sense of animosity, anger, the touch of hatred, feelings that I could not comprehend. I asked Super Star if the two had met before, but she told me this was the first time she had ever seen Business Star.
"I am glad to be a part of this organization, fellow Star Butteflys," Super Star said as she flew around shaking everybody's hands. "My world, too, has been terrorized by powerful and… heinous villains for far too long. I shall help your cause, in order to secure a future for my people, my family."
"How noble," said Business Star. "Your world could be dead already for all we know, just like that, poof," she snapped her fingers, "in a blink of an eye."
"Not if we shield them away from prying eyes using our sixth dimensional magic," Princess Star joined in, to clear things up. "I hope that you all know the meaning of this Corps' oath, the meaning of the word sacrifice."
"If it means that I may keep my mother and father safe," said Star Avarius, "then I will gladly dedicate my life. I may not be able to visit them again, but if that's what it takes."
"Glad to hear," said Princess Star. "The mission ahead will be long, perilous. But I promise you, I will find that Giant Unicorn even if it's the last thing I do."
"Do we have a new lead then?" Star 63 asked.
To which Princess Star shook her head to respond:
"Nothing so far. Which is why I am putting you new recruits on patrol duties. There are many sectors of the multiverse that need to be monitored, many threats to deal with. You'll be working in teams. We founders need to assess how your skills are within the field. You, Business Star, and Super Star, you two will be working with Cat Star here to patrol the sections around the Universes SVT48 to SVT51. Your mission is to find Universe SVT49, which for some mysterious reason had vanished from our maps and tracking devices. You may consult the supercomputer systems we had set up here for any additional information, it is connected straight into the pool of magic, where the bubble universes float off from, so you can monitor directly from the computers. Any question?"
"Yes," Business Star raised her hand, "who shall be the leader of this little team?"
"I'll leave that for you three to decide among yourselves. Prove to me you can work as a unit and come to a logical and efficient methodology. Fail to do so and I might just consider kicking you off the Corps."
"Well… in that case, we better work to the best of our abilities then," said Super Star.
"That's the spirit," I smiled towards them, "good luck you three. I'll be rooting for you. Report back if you find anything. And please do remember the Corps Code – Do not murder, and do not time travel. We are not pirates, murderers or criminals, we are the law, and we follow the Code for the sake of the multiverse and our people."
"Lucitor, Avarius," Princess Star pointed towards the bird and the demon, "you are going to accompany me on a little mission. There is an area in the Fourth Dimensional bulk that needs to be investigated. Ready yourselves, though we wield Sixth Dimensional wands, the gods of the Fourth Dimension are no laughing matter."
"Just say the word," said Star Avarius, "we'll follow your lead."
"Good, we'll be investigating…"
Something interrupted the Princess's thoughts, I was just about to see the first team off on their mission when I instinctively turned my head to face the Princess's wild eyes, wide open with awakening wrath. As if she was mad at herself, disappointed with her own inability somehow. She had always been a prideful one, and it was increasingly more noticeable after that incident on the Blood Moon with Quasar.
But this was a look of denial, refusing to believe she had been bested. Refusing to believe that there was a massive wooden branch stabbed straight through her heart, twisting and turning with magical blood spewing from within.
That was not flowery language from my imagination I often lay down into my diary or anything. There was literally a wooden tree branch that manifested out of nowhere, lodged straight into the Princess's heart, paralyzing her whole trembling body.
"By the Allmother…" she muttered, "I… was right…"
"STAR!" I shouted, "By corn, what's going on?"
"STAY BACK!" She yelled back.
The confusion overwhelmed me, I turned my back for a split second. None of the other Stars said anything or noticed anything off. They were all just as surprised as I was, and yet here we were, as if the branch had manifested out of thin air. My cosmic senses were sharp, too. How could I have missed something so massive and obvious?
"You fools!" The girl began collapsing on the floor, clutching onto the branch twisting in her chest, "You've forgotten what today was! You've forgotten!"
"What are you talking about?" Business Star asked, looking flustered instead of arrogant and grim for the first time since she got here.
"St… st… Stump…"
Before she could finish, another branch manifested out of thin air within less than a blink of an eye, stabbing right at the back of her neck and straight through her throat.
"STAR!"
"I SAID GET BACK!" She insisted, barely able to squeak, mustering the last of her strength, "AS LONG AS MY BRAIN IS INTACT, THIS CAN BE HEALED! Listen close you idiots. We've been far away from home too long, lost… lost track of time. Mewmans are celebrating… their holidays now."
It only struck me now that she mentioned it, we truly had forgotten what today was:
"Stump Day," I gasped.
With the last of her strength, Princess Star wielded her wand tight in her grip, dripping out one final spell before the blood loss overwhelmed her:
"EASY PEASY TIME FREEZY!"
It only hit me then what she was trying to do. I quickly gathered my thoughts, shielded myself and lunged towards the two Stars closest to me, Business Star and Star Lucitor.
"Brace yourselves!" I cried, holding my wand up high and casting a spell around the three of us to protect ourselves from the time stop.
If I had been just a little slower, we all would've probably died.
Frozen time, I had not touched this spell in a long time. Ever since I read it in Skywynne's chapter, and on that one day with Marco trying to nod his head to Jackie. Oh Marco… I wondered what he was doing right at that moment. Probably sitting comfortably at home, eating nachos. I'd love to have some nachos right about now.
It was a surreal sight to behold for sure, seeing everybody in the room frozen in time except for the three of us, they all sat there like statues, living ones. Super Star floating off the ground, strong pose, but still a visible look of confusion.
Avarius on the other hand was much more cautious. She seemed afraid almost, even though we had given her the most powerful weapon in the universe. Still timid, in a frozen pose where she was carefully glancing around, looking for the assailant. It did not seem like the Ludo Avarius that I knew, the foolish, petty, and determined little thing. So perhaps the Avarius inheritance was only that of biological blood, not of spirit or personality.
And the Princess, allowing herself to be frozen as well, to make sure the wound did not spread any further, giving the three of us a fighting chance.
"Fantastic," Business Star sighed, "I might be having second thoughts about my place in this Corps now if this is what my first day is going to be like. First impression isn't great if I'm frank."
"I think this first impression is as accurate as it gets," said Star Lucitor. "We were warned after all that we will be dealing with galactic threats that could easily overpower us given the chance."
"Let's hope that chance never comes," I said as I scanned my surroundings. Princess Star had given us an opportunity to find out where the assault was coming from. Everywhere around this magic room of the Source felt the same. Nothing to indicate an original source from the enemy.
Perhaps I could ask the Giant Unicorns over on the other side of the room; where the bright magical stairs leading down the wall was. Surely if these Giants were so powerful, they must have some knowledge and valuable wisdom on the matter at hand, they existed beyond conventional time and space, too. So the time freeze shouldn't have affected them.
The problem was the moment I stepped foot through into the other side, there was no sign of the Unicorns in sight. Instead, the usual sight of the bustling kingdom of Giants was replaced by an empty forest crawling with dark musty ancient oak with vines tangling all around from the roots deeply planted into the crumbling maggot-filled soil beneath.
When I turned my head around, the room where the magical pool of energy resided was replaced by endless stretches of that same dark forest with mysterious energies flowing through the air. Time was still frozen in place, all the other Stars were still where I last saw them, but how?
How did we get to this strange place?
"What happened?" Star Lucitor asked, "Where are we?"
"In a blink of an eye…" I muttered to myself, "just like what happened to Princess Star… in a blink of an eye."
"How long?"
"What?" I turned over to Business Star.
"How long?" She repeated, "How long do we have within time stop?"
"I don't know," I replied. "The Princess has always been a powerful one, possibly the most powerful Star in the multiverse. Her willpower is immense, in full condition, I think she could've time stopped for as long as we need. I'd say with a giant wooden stake through her heart like this… we have about thirty minutes or so."
"Didn't one of the rules forbids the use of time travel?" Lucitor asked.
"Yes," I said. "But this is technically not time travel, we are not traveling forward or backwards. So it's technically a loop hole, but not really a loop hole. Both Quasar and the Princess probably realized that, so we have this unspoken rule about reserving this as a last resort."
"Why?" Asked Business Star, "Wouldn't it make things much more efficient if all of us are allowed to stop time?"
"It's an issue of trust," I said. "The Corps Code is here to keep our powers in check. Maybe you haven't noticed, but Quasar and the Princess do not like each other. Not one bit. They are too prideful, so they wait patiently to call out whoever's the first to use this powerful ability, because it is a sign of cowardice."
"You seem to be in desperate need of leadership then," said Business Star.
To that – I nodded my head:
"Yes… yes we do."
None of this would matter in the end if we could not figure out how the Stump attacked Princess Star, and where it was hiding. There was no sign of its arrival, and yet its attack was very powerful and precise, requiring very little time to get from point A to point B, wherever point A was. And then there was the peculiar thing of this eerie forest, it seemed alive somehow, and yet no animals were nearby. No doubt this was the work of the Stump.
But did the tree branch strike between a very short time interval? So short that none of us could not hope to react to. Or did it strike within literally no time at all?
What a horrifying ability that would be.
I had to hold that thought for the moment however, something even more bizarre crept up from the corner of my eyes.
And it was that old man Quasar was interrogating.
"What is going on here? Where am I? Why are these kids all frozen?"
Impossible.
"How… how are you still moving, old man?" I pointed my finger in shock. "Is this… the work of the Stump?"
"Stump? What Stump?" He tilted his head. "It is strange though that my watch's stopped working. It's not moving anymore. What exactly is going on here? Am I going to have to get a new watch?"
"It is what it looks like, mister," I told him. "Time has been frozen in place."
"WHAT?" He cried.
"The question is how are you still able to move around?" Business Star pointed her finger.
Stanford shrugged his shoulders:
"Law of Weirdness Magnetism? Must be an electrical field that's still lingering around from my home Earth. Before I got sucked through the portal."
"You better stay where you are, where we can clearly see you," said Business Star. "I don't trust you, because you're not a Star, and I don't want to see any funny busi…"
A loud crackling noise exploded in the distance far behind where Stanford was.
An impossible noise it was. Time was supposed to be frozen. Nothing was supposed to move.
And yet when the four of them turned around, a giant tree branch had manifested out of thin air just as before, stabbing Quasar right through her heart. Quasar's expression remained the same in frozen time, she did not even realize what had happened.
"NO! That's not possible!" I shouted in frustration.
"YOU!" Business Star immediately pointed her finger. "What did you do, old man?"
"Me?" Stanford panicked. "I didn't do anything. That tree branch wasn't there before. Where did it come from?"
"Don't play dumb now! I'll beat the answer out of you if I have to…"
"Stop, Business Star," I commanded. "Now is not the time to assign blame. I don't know this old man, but it's clear to me – he isn't anywhere near as powerful as any one of us Stars. The forces we're dealing with here far exceeds you and me or the entire Corps for that matter. Use your senses, that's what the magic wand is for."
"Hmm…" Business Star quieted down, but she was clearly not happy.
"This gives us even less time to work with now that this has happened," I said.
"What do you mean?" Asked Lucitor.
I explained:
"Under normal circumstances the thirty minute time limit wouldn't be an issue, because we're Star Butterflys. We're holding the magic wand. Once the thirty minute is up, we can just stop time again. But this changes everything. Because now we know that the Stump can move even within frozen time. This is terrifying."
"How is that possible?" Stanford stood back in shock. "Quantum physics should not allow this. How could something move within a place where not even instantaneous teleportation is possible? This goes beyond just breaking the Planck instant, this is breaking natural laws themselves."
"We're running out of time," I said. "We need to come up with a defense right away. Or we need to locate the Stump and go on the offensive. Which option do you think is best?"
"How do we defend against something so fast it could move even within frozen time?" Lucitor asked.
"That is not the question you should be asking," said Business Star. "It does not matter how fast the Stump is moving. As long as we know exactly beforehand where it is going to be, then we have a chance of catching it before it even gets there, before it even considers moving to that spot. Strategy wins over speed."
"How can you be so sure?" I asked.
"Look at the victims so far," she pointed her finger confidently, "there is a clear pattern is there not? So far only Corps leaders have been targeted by the tree branches. If the Stump is so fast it could break the Planck instant, bordering on omnipresence, then it would've done away with all of us already. But it didn't. This shows that either this ability of the Stump's has a weakness like a cooldown period, or it is deliberately choosing to attack in this specific pattern. All we have to do then is…"
And thus, the girl was instantly cut off…
By a massive wooden branch, sharp as a spear, lodged right through her chest, stabbed from behind. None of us saw it coming.
From the expression on her face, it looked as if the girl was more annoyed that the branch had soiled her suit than the fact it had stabbed her. She didn't seem to mind the pain, but instead was insulted.
Ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping…
"What is that noise?" Said Business Star as she worked through the violent coughing, "Turn down… the radio… will you?"
Instinctively, I did the only thing I could think of at that moment. Holding my magic wand tight, focusing with great force to yell out:
"EASY BREEZY, TWO TIME FREEZY!"
And thus, everything began to freeze once more, with me specifically telling the wand to leave me, Lucitor and the old man called Stanford to be unfrozen. I was beyond frightened at this point. Normally I would've tried to heal Business Star with my magic. But so could Princess Star, and she must've had a reason to freeze time instead of healing herself. She must've realized that it didn't matter how fast we could heal these wounds, the Stump will always be faster.
"What did you do?" Stanford stepped back in horror.
"I froze the frozen time world," I said. "Frozen time times two, if you will."
"But why? What good does that do?" Asked Lucitor.
"I… I didn't know… what else to do. But I had to know. It's a hunch, but I have a feeling that the Stump would still be able to move even if we freeze time within the frozen time world. Even if we freeze time a hundred times, the Stump will still be a hundred and one times faster."
"What do we do now?" Asked Lucitor, "Clearly Business Star's hypothesis was wrong. The Stump wasn't just targeting Corps leaders. It's going after all of us."
"But why not finish all of us off at the same time?" I wondered. "The Stump must have a weakness."
"Perhaps the reason this Stump thing could attack us like this is because it has future vision of some sort?" Stanford theorized. "Perhaps it could look into the future and predict the exact location of where each of us will be standing, and then strike preemptively with that information. But maybe the information is incomplete. Maybe the Stump only possesses partial future visions, that's why it is picking us off one by one."
"You know about this ability?" I asked.
"Sort of," he replied. "I once met an oracle, Jheselbraum the Unswerving was her name. She displayed many bizarre precognitive abilities, although I could never tell for sure. I did a lot of research after my encounter with her, and it just makes sense if she has that kind of ability. We cannot rule out the possibility of the Stump having this same power, it is a vast multiverse after all."
"You have a point," I said.
Ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping…
What on earth was making that noise? I wondered to myself. Looking about nervously. But there was nothing around for miles but thick stretches of dark moldy trees, and the remaining Star Butterflys who stood like statues.
"You kids have any more bright ideas?" Said Stanford. "We're about to be skewered any second now."
"I'm working on it," I cried, "if it wasn't for this loud annoying noise in the back."
"I came all this way," Stanford muttered to himself, "I am not dying until I see my grand niece and nephew one more time… no… I won't… huh? What? Um… no… no… shut it!"
"What did you say?" I turned my head.
"I wasn't talking to you," said Stanford, turning his head frantically. "Don't you hear that voice?"
I shook my head.
"It's calling to me…" he said, "calling me Sixer… I… I know that voice. It's not possible! He's supposed to be dead."
It was suspicious, was this the voice of the Stump? I wondered to myself. No… couldn't be. The old man knew the voice, as if they were old enemies – or worse.
Old friends.
With great concentration, I focused my mind onto the wand to enhance my sight and my hearing. With enough magic, I was able to detect a new presence. It was faint, difficult to see, as if it was the dying spirit of a once living being. I could hear its hysterical laugh, a laugh that was trying to cover up a faint feeling of desperation.
The monster was haunting the old man with its all-seeing eye, and yet its power was weak, almost to the point of non-existent. Was it even real? Or just a manifestation of the old man's thoughts?
"Come on, Sixer," it said. "Christmas is just right 'round the corner. You don't wanna miss it now, do you?"
"I… I… no…" Stanford stammered.
"What would Dipper and Mabel think? Their dear ol' Grunkle Ford not only missing their summer reunion… breaking your promise twice, because what? You were busy on your boat trip?"
"Hey, old man Stanford," I said, "don't listen to it. It's not real."
"But… but… he's right…" Stanford began sweating profusely. "I… have been putting work above… family… again…"
"Snap out of it," I yelled. "Now isn't the time. I refuse to die here today, I have too much on the line. This is the work of the Stump for sure."
"No… it's not the st… it's… him… Christmas isn't coming," he muttered, "I've missed it… the kids will forget about me and…"
"You know what?" I snapped my finger, nearing all out of options, "You don't have to take my word for it. You wanna know how I know that Christmas isn't ruined for any of us?"
"How do you know?" Lucitor asked.
"I don't," I admitted to the nonsense, "but I can definitely find out for you. We'll just call Santa Claus on the phone, and ask him to verify. This is definitely the work of the Stump. I'll prove it to you."
Stanford shook his head, almost as if finally breaking out of his trance, thus squinting his eyes at my inane suggestion:
"How on earth do you plan on contacting Santa Claus?"
"By calling him on that blasted telephone over there," I pointed my finger as the ringing got louder and louder.
Ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping.
"Wait, how do you know it's a phone?"
"I don't."
"And you're risking my life on this ridiculous contraption?" Stanford cried.
"All of our lives, thank you very much. Not everything is about you, you know? But point taken. I probably won't do it. But I'm gonna do it."
"Don't do it! This creepy forest is doing a number on your psyche," said Lucitor, "All our psyches. I can smell the magic in the leaves, it's dampening my fire. It's whispering to you!"
"Imma do it!"
"No!"
"Mother Box said she knew Santa Claus," I said, "a trickster of a guy, she says, always like putting coal to the Darkseid."
"Stop talking to it like it's alive," Stanford began pulling out his hair.
"You ignorant loser, check this out," I picked up the ringing device, and put it against my ear, "moshi moshi, hai, yes, it's MonStar here… you wanna run that by me again? My mother is dead? Mina killed her? What? Don't you lie to me now. I am seeing Marco again even if I have to break my oath to the Corps, you hear?"
"Stop, stop, okay, I get it," Stanford cried. "I wasn't acting like myself. It's just… my troubling past. There are… old enemies I'd rather forget. But I still dream about them. About him. It's very disturbing."
"Oh, so that was your plan all along," said Lucitor. "Pretending to be mad so Stanford here could see the error of his ways."
I diverted my eyes elsewhere, away from the two's scrutinizing gazes.
"Sure… yeah… that… was my plan… AHEM!" I cleared my throat, "Oh and by the way I wasn't kidding when I said the Mother Box is sentient. I think she finally realizes that cooperating would be best for all of us. She doesn't want to die to the Stump after all. That's why she was calling us with her excessive ringing."
"You can speak to her?" Stanford glared in confusion.
"Oh, heck no. I have no idea what I'm saying," I admitted, "but the wand does… barely. And that's good enough for me. Apparently, she said that Santa Claus can be summoned if we wrongfully gift someone a pile of coal instead of an actual present. The catch? That someone cannot be on the Naughty List."
"Where are we going to get a pile of coal?" Lucitor asked.
"You're a fire demon," I said, "figure something out. There's plenty of trees around. You just have to put them in the mud for billions of years and coal will form right?"
"And we have that amount of time?"
"You are wielding a wand," I told her. "Just speed things up."
"Isn't that against the Corps Code? Speeding time up?"
"Just make a pocket universe and put the trees inside," I yelled, at my patience's limit, "I told you, the Princess and Quasar are petty, there are loopholes everywhere, they'll never even notice it."
"You better not put this on the report," she said, as she proceeded to gather all the trees around the forest and force them all into a pocket universe. It should not take very long now.
"The last thing we need to do now," I glanced to Stanford, "is to gift someone this wonderful present."
"You must be joking," said Stanford. "Didn't you read over my records? I'm not exactly a saint when it comes to my past deeds. I have no doubt that I'm on the top of that Naughty List. Though I stopped believing in big ol' Nick when I was three years old, so that's certainly not doing me any favors. There are wanted posters of me everywhere."
"Then that's a risk we'll have to take," I insisted, "we are running out of time here. You don't have to be a messiah, you don't even have to be a good person. You just have to be human, one who understands that he's flawed and is sorry about all of his past mistakes, whatever those may be. Also-the-Box-doesn't-like-us-Stars-and-said-that-it-has-to-be-a-human-like-you-because-we-Mewmans-don't-celebrate-Christmas-or-something. What an insane machine. Are you going to do this or not?"
"MonStar!" Lucitor called from afar, "The tree branch. It's slowed down significantly in double frozen time, but the speed is still relentless. I don't think I can dodge it."
"Is the coal ready?"
"Is mom's Lil' Chauncey a dumb pig-goat?"
"Yes. Hand it over then. Stanford, are you ready?"
"Fine. Give it to me then, if we die, then might as well go out trying."
"Merry Christmas you handsome old man," I tossed him the coal as I laughed on in the madness of the trees. "I have got to know where you get that turtleneck."
Ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping…
BOOM!
A bright flashing light exploded out of thin air, and out from the ashes of the New Gods' fire – came a massive portal, within it, the laugh that echoed across the entire cold winter season:
HO HO HO!
"Mother Box managed to locate him," I shouted, "you could've opened a portal all this time and yanked him straight to us? What was that business about the coal then? What do you mean you panicked? Wait, the coal wasn't actually meant to summon him? It was to tick him off and… oh… I see what you're doing."
"What on earth are you babbling about?" Lucitor shouted.
"Our goal was never to defeat the Stump," I explained. "It was to survive its attack and get the heck out of here. As long as Santa Claus and the Stump are duking it out, we have a chance to escape with our lives."
"What are we waiting for? Let's go," Stanford shouted.
"I'll open a portal right away," I said, raising my wand.
Ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping!
BOOM!
Another portal appeared out of thin air. To all of our confusion.
"What's this?"
Ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping…
"Because Stanford was wrongly gifted," I translated, "he is now then rewarded with the actual gift he deserves. A present from old Saint Nick himself… a way back home… to your family…"
"I… I…" Stanford stood there stuttering, stunned as he took in this view of this massive portal, swirling in cosmic magic, waiting for him to just step right through.
He came all this way, and now it looked like the universe had finally given him an out. Lucky old man.
He turned around, gazing at the two of us Stars, a concerned look crept up on his face:
"Will you kids be alright? I don't want to leave you behind… like this."
I shook my head, calling his bluff:
"Don't lie to me, old man. I know you don't care. We only met for one day. Now go back home to your family. Don't waste this Christmas miracle."
"I… I don't know what to say… I… thank y…"
"Alright, Mother Box, you can close the portal now," I cut him off, as the device agreed and let out a sharp clicking noise, permanently closing this cosmic whirlpool behind the old man.
I glanced at the device, smiling at the potential power.
"Welp, if we're going to figure where you come from and help you get back home," I said to the box, "you might as well stick around. We still have a few questions about your… functionality."
"Let's get going now," Lucitor tapped me on the shoulder. "We need to tend to our wounded."
"Right."