TW: none

Chapter 30- Remorse (Ian, Arcy/Elsa)

He sat quietly in his cell, Diane's words echoing in his mind. He had used his one hour of internet to look into dissociative identity disorder. Now he sat and thought about what he had read. Was it possible he had caused Elsa to develop this disorder? Ian reflected on how Elsa had behaved the past few years. It was true that Elsa had acted differently over the years, but he had attributed that to her coming into puberty. But the more Ian thought about it, the more he realized that there were times when Elsa was too mature for her age, acted like a bitch or was just completely silent. All three were definitely a drastic change of character for Elsa. He bit his lip, now reflecting on how he had handled discovering her powers. Instead of looking at it through an adult's eyes, Ian tried to see the whole situation and various treatments through a child's eyes. How would he have felt if his parents had done the same things to him? Guilt slammed heavily into him. All the screams for mercy, the tears, the fear, he had caused it. "God, I've been a piece of shit. I deserve to be here." He sighed and asked the warden if he could write a letter. He was given a pen and paper and started to write.

"My Sweetest Girl Elsa,

I've come to realize just how horrible I was to you as you grew up. I was supposed to protect you but I failed miserably. I can't rewrite the past, but I can write the future. I promise to be a much better father and actually protect you. Your mother has kept me updated on how you're doing. I just wanted to say that I love you and accept you as you are. I'll do whatever I can to support you and your recovery. It's taken me being here in jail and actually taking a look at myself to realize how wrong I was. I don't know if you'll accept my apology but if you do, I'm grateful to you. I love you very much and hope someday you'll look to me with eyes of joy again.

Love, Daddy."

He sealed the envelope, addressed it and gave it to the warden. With a heavy sigh, Ian sat and stared at his cell wall. He had another year to go before he was released and just wanted to see his daughter, hug her tight.

It was August 15th when Diane saw the letter in her mailbox. She sighed, debating whether or not Elsa should see it. Diane opened the letter and read it, deciding if Elsa was to see it, she should read it first. Seeing nothing wrong in what Ian had said, Diane walked back in and called Elsa. "Elsa, sweetie, your father wrote to you!"

"What did he say?" Elsa came out of her room, rubbing her eyes. She had stayed home from school after an episode of dissociation had left her too nauseous and detached to go. She was wrapped in a fuzzy blanket and had the fidget cube in her hand.

Diane sat on the living room couch and waited for Elsa to sit down. "He wanted to apologize. Here ya go, sweetie."

Elsa sat and took the envelope. Did she really want to read it? Elsa had to admit that she missed her dad. She shrugged, snuggled in her blanket and read the letter. When she was done reading, she was confused. He had been horrible to her? When, how? She rubbed her forehead, trying to figure out what he meant. He hadn't protected her? Now that Elsa really thought about it, she couldn't figure out why he was in jail. "Hey Mom, why is Dad in jail?"

Diane sighed. How could she tell Elsa without triggering her? Was it even possible to say anything that wouldn't trigger her? Elsa was already in a mentally vulnerable place. "He did some things that the law didn't like so, he's in jail. He'll be out in a year, though."

Elsa's headache got a bit worse as she heard faint words echo in her mind. She couldn't hear what words they were, but they made her feel scared, small. Dizziness blurred her vision and she felt pressure in her head.

"She's a good girl, she's good. She's sorry."

Diane blinked. "Arcy?"

"Momma, Momma…"

Diane walked to her room and got the white, fluffy blanket from her bed. She sat by Elsa and Arcy and wrapped the blanket around her. "Is that better?"

"Thanks, Momma," Arcy replied.

"Why'd you put a blanket on me?" Elsa asked.

"Arcy was triggered out somehow, and she finds comfort in soft, white, fluffy things."

Elsa blinked. Had reading her dad's letter somehow triggered Arcy. "Arcy, it's Elsa. Are you okay?"

"Pretty snow girl Elsa? She's, she's okay, just, just feels scared and unable to move."

Elsa took deep breaths and focused on the different textures of the fidget cube on her finger tips. "5 things we can see, 4 things we can hear, 3 things we can feel, 2 things we can taste, 1 place where we are. Do it with me, Arcy. What can you see?"

"Uh, she can see Momma, the television, the blanket, the walls, and the couch."

"Good," Diane smiled. This was progress, wasn't it?

"4 things we can hear. The television, the air conditioner, our breathing, the dishwasher."

Arcy wrapped the blanket tight around her. "3 things we can feel… The blanket, the clothes on our skin, safety."

"2 things we can taste. The orange juice with breakfast, the gum we're chewing now."

Arcy looked around. "1 place we are, home with Momma." Her breathing calmed. "She feels much better. Thank you, Elsa. Arcy can trust you. Thank you for the blanket, Momma."

"You're welcome, Arcy. How are you and Elsa feeling?"

"I'm feeling a little dissociated, nauseous and a headache. But I'm good," Elsa replied.

"She feels a little sad but otherwise alright."

Diane nodded. "That's good. I'll make us some hot chocolate."

Ian sat in his cell, having just eaten dinner. Mail call came by and he got a letter with Elsa's handwriting on it. "She wrote back!" He tore it open and began reading. He saw two different handwriting styles.

"Daddy,

I don't know what you mean by horrible. I can't remember anything bad happening but I guess that's part of what I have? Either way, I can't wait to see you. I really miss you. Mommy says you did something wrong and that's why you're in jail. I don't remember that, either. I love you, Daddy!

Your little girl, Elsa."

He smiled. "Well, at least she's not mad at me. Does she really not remember what happened?" Ian went back through what he learned about DID. It was a defense mechanism, trauma caused it, it was a disorder that kept secrets from the self. "Oh, right. What's this?" There was another part of the letter.

"Ian,

You don't know me but we know you. We're another family to Elsa. We keep her safe and help her when she needs us. I specifically, know of the things you've done. Elsa doesn't and my job as her guardian angel is to keep it that way. If you do write to her again, don't mention the past. She doesn't have any recollection of it and until she's ready, she won't know anything of it. I am glad that you seem to have a tiny bit of remorse for what you've done. I will continue to monitor your communication with our little Snowflake.

Sincerely,

Guardian Angel."

Ian read over the last half of the letter over and over again. Who was this guardian angel that had written to him? How did they know about Elsa's past? Was this one of Elsa's, what was the word, personalities? One thing Ian knew for sure was that he definitely had more research to do.

Once again, I apologize for the long wait for another update. I just get so wrapped up in writing my book that I tend to forget this work. I promise to work more on this fanfic. In the meantime, you can read my book "Angel Diaries" on the sister site ficitionpress, same pen name, Dissociated-Nyx or on wattpad, under the pen name Rayven Luna Nite