The rest of the night passed in a blur of training, and intently not thinking about the fact that three of the fellowship, and Elrond's sons were leaving to take care of a group of orcs of an unknown size, that was not mentioned in the stories I knew.
At least not as far as I could remember.
Of course, I failed miserably to keep my worried thoughts at bay.

I knew I should have gone to see them off, but I was already getting far too attached, and there was less of a chance of any of them noticing the darkness in my thoughts if I avoided them.

Perhaps the attack wasn't mentioned because it was such a small group?
But would they really need three Elven archers, a dunedein, and a warrior of Gondor to take care of the attack if it was small?
Legolas had also said that Elladan and Elrohir were gathering some other warriors to go with them, so perhaps it was a larger attack?
Or maybe Elrond was just being cautious?

I let out a noise of frustration, sword hitting against the training dummy with enough force to get the blade slightly stuck in the outer shell of straw, and I paused in my training, breathing hard.

Taking a moment of pause before I pulled the blade free, I forced a deep breath.
Surely, it wasn't written in the books because I had already changed things.
They probably just had a normal group of elves to take care of it before, and it was over so quickly that it really wasn't worth writing about.

Yes. I'd focus on that possibility. It was much more reassuring than some of the others.

I toiled away the rest of the evening with rough training, and after retiring to my chambers for the night, study.

I was determined to not sleep for a few days, to test out my theory that a lack of sleep would help exhaust me to the point where I wouldn't be able to dream.
Maybe it would reset my sleep in general.
Wouldn't that be nice?

The next few days went by incredibly slowly, and yet, were a blur in my memory.
I knew if anyone found out about my plan of not sleeping, that the nightmares would be revealed soon after, and once they knew about the nightmares, I would never be allowed into the fellowship.

So, despite my promise to Legolas, I pulled away again.
I started taking long walks on the outskirts of Rivendell in between training, studying, and the occasional meal that I attended.

I learned quickly to leave a note on my bed after the first walk caused a minor panic when no one could locate me for a few hours.
Often, before a walk, I'd linger in the kitchens, conversing with anyone who might be there to sate the guilty feeling I was harboring from breaking my promise.
I made a point to briefly greet Bilbo and Arwen, each day, that way, at least I could say I was talking to people every day.
I took to avoiding Elrond and Gandalf entirely, knowing that if anyone was going to find out about my plan to not sleep, it was them, and that if they found out, it would inevitably lead them to the knowledge of my nightmares.

When the hunting group did not return two days later, as was expected, the anxiety I'd harbored grew substantially.
That, in addition to the lack of sleep, caused my mental state to deteriorate much faster than it previously had, shadows, dizziness, and mild hallucinations occurring after only two nights without sleep.

The morning of their third day away from Rivendell I started the day off with a rather labored run, moving into my training immediately after.
My weapons felt heavier than usual, and the few times I paused to take breaks, I found my eyelids drooping, my body trying to pull me into much desired sleep.
At midday, when I made my way back to the main house for a small meal, it was to find Aragorn seated in the kitchen, conversing softly with Bilbo.
When I entered, their eyes lit on me, and Aragorn's smile waned slightly as he took in my tired, worn appearance.

Bilbo smiled jovially, waving one hand towards an empty chair at the table.
"My dear! How lovely it is to see you! Join us, Aragorn was just telling me about their journey!"

I moved a few steps closer to the table, curiosity in my voice when I spoke.
"Hello, Bilbo. Aragorn. I hadn't realized you were back. When did you return? Is everyone alright?"

Aragorn smiled, something almost knowing in the tilt of his lips.
"Yes, Milady. Everyone is fine. There were no injuries on our side. It rather looked like the orcs were searching for something. What it was, I know not. It didn't seem like they expected the attack at all. Truthfully, we did not need as many warriors as we had, but Elrond wished to be cautious. We returned nearly an hour ago."

His voice was soft, almost tentative when he next spoke.
"Milady, it surprises me to find you here. I would have thought you would be in Elrond's chambers for much longer. Have you finished your discussions so soon?"

My brow furrowed, "Discussions? What are you talking about? I haven't been to see Elrond today."

He frowned slightly and leaned forward, "Someone was sent to find you immediately after we returned. Elrond seemed to think it important to have council with you, Erestor, Gandalf, and Glorfindel."

I stilled. Glorfindel had returned? Had he been successful with Denethor?
"Glorfindel's back? Is he okay?"

Aragorn nodded. "Yes, he found us shortly after we finished with the group of orcs. It's part of the reason why we took a bit longer to return. He wanted to be absolutely sure there weren't any other orcs around or near Imladris. We also did a bit of extra hunting on the way back as well."

He started to rise from his chair, his half full plate seemingly forgotten, looking very much like he intended to escort me to Elrond's chambers.
"I'm sure they're expecting you, allow me to walk you there."

As much as I needed to get to know him, he seemed like the observant type, and observant was decidedly not what I needed right now.

I took a few steps back, raising one hand slightly to dismiss the idea of him escorting me.
He froze at the movement, his face taking on an almost stricken quality, "I did not intend-"

Shaking my head slightly, I cut him off, feeling his and Bilbo's gaze like a weight on my chest.
"I was..ah.. out on a run, I probably just missed them. I'll go now. Thank you for telling me"

I took another step back, and turned, fleeing in the direction of Elrond's chambers.
As I walked, I contemplated Aragorn's reaction to my refusal of an escort.
He had definitely thought my reaction was caused by fear, which wasn't really ideal.

He thought I was afraid.
Afraid of him, at the very least. Potentially afraid of all men.
I'd have to figure out some way to prove to him that I was strong, and not by nature fearful.

Surely, he'd be at the training fields during some of my training. Maybe I could get him to teach me.

Glorfindel would hopefully take over some of my training now that he was back.
Though, that posed its own problems.
With Glorfindel back, that was another set of eyes that might notice my nightmares and weakness.

This council I was going to was probably going to be dangerous.
I'd have to be careful to act entirely normal, and not give away the paranoid thoughts I'd been having, or my decision to stop sleeping due to my nightmares.

Absently, I noticed that there was an abnormal amount of bustle and excitement as I passed by various rooms on my way to Elrond's chambers, but worry outweighed curiosity, and I did not stop to investigate.

As I turned the corner to the hallway preceding his chambers, his door opened, revealing the forms of Elladan, Elrohir, and Legolas.
They were as pristine as ever, looking more like they'd just been visiting for tea than returning from a few days of orc hunting.
Elladan and Elrohir smiled when their eyes fell on me.

Elladan stepped out slightly and offered me a small wave in greeting, the others coming to a stop behind him.
"Alyssa! We were just going to look for you! Father sent someone for you an hour ago!"

"I was out on a run. I must have missed them."
My eyes skated past Elladan and Elrohir, almost without truly seeing them, and landed on Legolas just in time to see his smile fade into a frown as he took in my appearance.

Oh. That wasn't good.
He would assume I'd broken his promise.
He wouldn't exactly be all the way wrong, but I did not want to have that conversation around this many people, or right before a council where I'd have to tip toe so as not to be found out.

I quickly started down the hall to the door, not meeting any of their eyes.

"Wouldn't do to keep him waiting any longer." I said, as I brushed past them, ignoring the soft touch to my arm as I passed Legolas in the doorway.

Fingers caught on my sleeve briefly, but released when I continued on without acknowledging them.

Inside, Elrond, Erestor, and Glorfindel sat at our usual planning table, with Gandalf standing, leaned softly against his staff next to Elrond's chair.
Their quiet conversation halted when I stepped inside, and Elrond raised a hand to beckon me further in, calling "Legolas, please close the door behind you. Thank you."

The sound of the door closing softly behind me felt like the thud of a prison door, and I had the fleeting wish that I had dealt with Legolas, just to prolong the time before having to sit in a closed space with these people.

Smiling was easier than I thought it would be with Glorfindel there. He was as cheery as ever, and it felt like I was sitting in a ray of sunshine after so long in the dark.

Glorfindel moved straight in to the telling of what had happened after he split from Gandalf and Aragorn, explaining how he had been admitted into Minas Tirith quite easily, and been granted an audience with Denethor with little trouble.

Denethor had seemed wary at first, but after being informed that Boromir was on his way to Rivendell with Gandalf for the council, and that Glorfindel himself was a messenger sent specifically from Lord Elrond to speak with Denethor about the coming war, Denethor's suspicion had calmed slightly.

Denethor had read the letter, and discussed it calmly.
He hadn't been happy about having to stop using the palantir, though after having it explained both in the letter, and by Glorfindel, he agreed that it was better for him to be sound of mind, than have moderate amounts of potentially deceitful intelligence about the enemies movements.
Denethor did not allow Glorfindel to take the palantir, saying that we would simply have to trust in him, and his word not to use it.

He'd rejected many of the defensive ideas, stating that they simply didn't have the manpower to execute them, but he did agree to have a few trenches dug out around the walls, create a moderately narrow ramp up to the gates, reinforce the walls, and build a few more trebuchets and catapults on the walls.

Glorfindel then told of the hospitality that Denethor offered.
Hearty meals, comfortable rooms, and a surprising amount of focus and respect from a man so busy and entrenched in war.

Glorfindel had stayed a few days there, not wanting to be rude in refusing the offered hospitality.
He'd spent those days discussing things with Denethor, examining the city walls and advising which areas needed the most reinforcement, and discussing potential weak points in the defenses in Osgiliath.
He parted on far better terms than he'd started, telling how Denethor had tried to offer him a horse as a show of goodwill, to aid Glorfindel in his travels.
Glorfindel ended up turning it down, feeling that it was better used for Denethor's soldiers, and that it would be safer and less noticeable if he was on foot, but was still given plenty of supplies for the journey, and bade that he was welcome to return to Minas Tirith any time.

Glorfindel had opted to go back up the route they had originally come down, stopping briefly in Lothlorien, before making his way back up over the mountains.

He explained that he had happened upon the warriors on his way back, and that after some investigating, they had discovered that the orcs were searching for something.
Glorfindel speculated that they might have been looking for Rivendell, but also put forward the terrifying thought that perhaps they had been searching for me.

The twins had been ecstatic that Glorfindel was back, and had easily convinced everyone that a celebration should be held upon their return, now that everyone was back in Rivendell.

One of the Elven warriors returned early to inform Elrond of this development, and of course, Elrond had been entirely on board.
That was the excitement I'd passed on my way here.
Party preparations.
I couldn't help but chuckle at that. In the middle of all this darkness and uncertainty, Elves still threw parties and celebrated life.

Glorfindel and the rest of the warriors had extended their trip, both to make sure there were no other groups or stragglers from the orcs, and to do a bit of extra hunting for provisions on their journey back.

We ended up staying around that table for the majority of the day, discussing what the next step was.
I reiterated that we would be joined by a group of Dwarves, and that their presence was necessary for the council.

Gandalf argued that perhaps it would be better to set off sooner on this journey, rather than later, and seemed flabbergasted that I wanted to wait not only until the Dwarves arrived, but until the twenty fifth of December to begin the journey.

I was adamant, though.
I could remember from the books that they had started their journey on December twenty fifth, and despite what was changed, I was trying to keep certain things the same.
It would make it just that much easier to predict the outcome of certain events if I didn't delve too far off of what I could remember of the timeline.

There were a few moments in the day where shadows seemed to warp in the corners of the room, and the lines of the map danced on the parchment.
Aided by the twinkly personality of Glorfindel, and the fear of being found out, I managed to keep focus during the discussions, responding where needed, and offering answers to any thoughts or questions posed my way.

By the time that Elrond, Gandalf, Glorfindel, and Erestor seemed satisfied with the discussions that were had, the sun was setting, and we could hear quite well that the party was well under way.

The walk to the Hall of Fire was leisurely, but a wonderful change from the hours of sitting by the table planning. They all joined me, conversing softly between themselves as we made our way to join the festivities.

Stepping into that hall was like stepping into a different world.
One without war. Without fear.

There were a number of elves playing various instruments, harps, flutes, drums, a few even had bowed stringed instruments that looked vaguely like a violin or viola.
People were dancing all over the hall, some in careful formations, some in small uncoordinated groups, and others just moving to the music along with whatever else they were doing.

The hobbits danced around just as joyfully as the elves, drinking and laughing, little spots of sunshine wherever they went.
One of the far corners held Aragorn, Arwen, Boromir, the twins, Legolas, and a few of the Elven warriors that had gone to help with the orcs.
They were all talking amongst themselves, laughing every now and then whenever the twins pulled some ridiculous antics.
It was wonderful.

Elrond, Gandalf, Glorfindel, and Erestor filtered past me, wandering around to give greetings and spend time with the various groups of party goers.

As I went to step inside, the slippery voice whispered in my head, 'you don't belong here. See how happy they are without you? They don't even notice your absence. Wouldn't it be better for everyone if you just left?'

As if a switch had been flipped, everything changed.
The laughter was no longer joyous, but mocking. The dancing turned into a horrible, flailing display of anger. The conversations were suspicious and conniving.
Worst of all, the beautiful, homey, orange glow of the fire faded, now showing how many shadows crept in the corners and crevices of the room.

Was this the truth behind all the false beauty?

"Alyssa? Are you alright?"
A voice broke the daze, and I couldn't help but startle, jumping slightly as I rapidly turned to face them.

Legolas stood before me, a goblet in one hand, hair practically glittering in the firelight, and eyes the color of storm clouds in their concern.

I nodded hurriedly.
"Yes! Yes, I'm fine! Sorry. I was just..admiring the frivolity."

He leaned down slightly, peering closer, "You seem….tired again. Have you been sleeping?"

I forced myself not to take a step back at his intrusion of my personal space.
"It's just from spending so long discussing things with Elrond and them." I waved a hand airily towards the figures of Elrond and the rest of our planning group, "It's really nothing to worry about. What are you drinking?"

The worry slipped from his face as he smiled at me, seemingly distracted by the question, and extended his goblet in an excited offering. "Wine! It's not quite as strong as my father's, but it's quite excellent! Would you like a glass?"

A laugh bubbled out of me. "Sure."
Was I seeing a drunk Legolas? He surely wouldn't get drunk off of a glass or two of wine, right?

"Splendid! It's this way, let me show you! I can fill my glass up as well!"
He moved to my side, the hand not occupied by the wine falling to the small of my back as he guided me through the throng of happy party goers.
A shiver passed through me at the contact, and he leaned down again, further this time, to peer at me with earnest concern.
"Are you cold? I can get you a glass if you'd like to stand by the fire?"

His face was so close.
My voice came out a mess of stammers. "Uh..Ye-yeah, yes. Cold. That sounds like it would be a really good idea. Definitely cold. Fire sounds good."

He laughed and guided me to a seat by the fire.
"I'm sorry we weren't able to have dinner together the other day! Perhaps you'll allow me to make it up to you? We could have lunch tomorrow? Maybe in one of the gardens? Somewhere..You know" He waved one hand around at the joyous chaos that surrounded us, "Quieter?"

I bit my lip, forcing myself not to blurt out the fact that what he was suggesting really sounded like a date, and I was very confused.
Now definitely wasn't the time or the place for a conversation like that.
Truly, I shouldn't even be considering having a conversation like that. There was no way he meant it like that.
I settled for pleasant acceptance, instead.
"That sounds nice."

The hand on my back pressed slightly, almost feeling like he was pulling me ever so much closer to him, and his smile became practically luminescent.
He ducked down further, his voice softening, as if this were a private conversation, just for us.
"Wonderful! Around midday? We can meet in the kitchen and decide what sort of food to bring with us!"

I could do nothing but nod, my voice stolen away by the closeness.

When we finally got to the fireside, it felt practically cool in comparison to the burning in my face.
And yet, the moment he was gone, the heat was sweltering.
I stayed, though, knowing that if I tried to leave now it would conflict with the assumption he'd made that I was cold.
At this point, I really needed him to leave. Going to get us drinks was a perfect excuse.
I was far too tired to deal with him right now.
He left, presumably to get more wine, and I sat there, sweat beading on my face from the warmth.

A few moments passed, and my skin prickled with the heat, but inside I felt cold again. Alone.
When he did not return right away, I got up, the heat quickly becoming too much, and wandered through the hall aimlessly.
I felt like at any moment the shadows were going to take over, and then everyone would know.

Pausing to stand in the shadow of one of the structural pillars, I saw Legolas across the hall.
Two goblets of wine were held in his hands, and he was chatting quite animatedly with Gandalf.
A few moments later Aragorn joined them, and I was reminded again at how easily I was forgotten.

The rest of the night went very much the same.
I would lean against a wall or a pillar, find a pillow or chair to sit in somewhere, watching everyone around me have a good time, and feeling alone in a crowd of people.
Every now and then, someone, usually Legolas, would wander over and try to engage me in conversation.
Someone else would eventually join us and engage in the conversation, and I'd slip away.

I traded the wine glass I ended up getting for myself for others throughout the night, wanting it to look like I was drinking, but not a drop of wine passed through my lips.
I was so afraid that if I drank, I wouldn't be able to control myself anymore and that all my darkness and secrets would come to light.

The party went well into the night, people filtering in and out over time.
Once I felt that I had stayed a socially appropriate amount of time, I snuck out, returning to my room.
No one stopped me.

For a time, I sat in the darkness of my room, the slippery voice whispering darkness to me.
Finally I could take it no longer. I needed to move.
I needed to be somewhere else.

I placed my 'I'm going on a walk' note onto my bed, and left the confines of my room, heading out to walk in the forest.
My mind was a haze of dark thoughts and loneliness, and I only vaguely noticed Bilbo calling out as I passed by him.
"Are you quite alright, my dear?"

I paused, forcing myself not to sway. The exhaustion of not sleeping was hitting me. Everything ached.
Maybe tonight I would finally sleep, and the nightmares would be gone?
"I'm just going for a short walk."

"Of course, of course. I myself am off for bed. I'm far too old to be staying up like this. Have a splendid evening, my dear!"

My voice was soft in its response.
"Goodnight, Bilbo."

He hummed to himself softly as he ambled away, and I continued on my way to the forest.

The closer I got to the forest, the louder the whispers from that slippery voice became, and they louder they became, the more the shadows jumped out at me.
I stumbled a few times, barely able to see in the darkness of night.
My only saving grace was the full moon above me, barely shining through the leaves.

Hours passed.

The further I got from Rivendell, the more I felt driven to continue on, to leave it behind.
As the drive to leave became stronger, so did the voice in my mind.
Some time in the early hours of the morning, a light drizzle started, and after another fall, accompanied by a sharp pain to my ankle, the daze that I'd been walking in was broken.

My breathing quickened. How far was I out of Rivendell?
I turned on the spot, trying to remember which way I'd come from, but the underbrush was dense, and I could make out no tracks in the darkness.
Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes.
If I had just asked for help, this wouldn't have happened. Why did I feel like I had to take care of myself?
Why was I refusing the help that was so readily offered to me?

Forcing myself to take a few deep breaths, I reasoned that if I could find the Bruinen river, I'd likely be able to find Rivendell again, or at least get close enough that someone could find me.
I glanced around.
None of the trees seemed tall enough that I'd be able to see above the treetops.

I searched for a while, limping on my aching ankle, trying to go roughly in the direction I thought Rivendell was in.
Finally, what felt like hours later, I found a tree that seemed like it was probably taller than the rest, and I climbed.

The branches were slick and wet against my hands, and a few times I almost slipped.
Climbing that high scared me.
I didn't know if I would survive a fall from that height, but I had no idea where I was. I needed some sort of direction. Something to reach for.
I made it fairly high up, and the view that met my eyes when I breached the treetops was like nothing I'd ever seen before.

The treetops shimmered silver, water droplets glistening on leaves and the drizzle of rain glinting in the moonlight.
My tree swayed with a soft breeze, and I clung harder, a mist of rain hitting my face and driving back the daze that was lingering on the edges of my consciousness.
All I could see was trees. No river. No Rivendell.
I was well and truly lost.

Haltingly I made my way back down.
Fear clouded my mind. What if I wasn't able to find my way back?
Part of the way down, I put too much weight on my injured ankle, and it twinged painfully, slipping from the branch.
Tree bark scraped against my hands as I tried to hold on, tried to get my feet back under me.

Then I was falling, my cry muffled by leaves and rain.
My head met a branch on the way down, and everything went dark.