CHAPTER FIVE.

CHOICES

Monotony became meaningless. I no longer remembered a time when day to day life among humans seemed monotonous. Every hour was so swamped with torment that even the idea of monotony had become impossible.

It would have been easier to quit, but I slogged on, committing to every act perfectly. I behaved like the perfect gentleman to everyone I associated with, kept my temper in check, and shirked none of my responsibilities.

Since leaving Forks was no longer an option, I returned to my public routine, hunted no more than absolutely necessary, wrestled with Jasper, pulverized boulders, and attended every single one of my classes.

Edward informed us that the girl never mentioned a word about my abilities. When asked about the accident, she repeated the same story over and over again until even the most rabid of her fans eventually got bored and stopped asking for details. In time it was obvious her story wouldn't change, even to us. We grew more comfortable.

To be clear, my siblings grew more comfortable as the weeks passed. I continued to exist in mute frustration. Edward would occasionally pat my back in support, or grip my elbow in a show of brotherly love, but mostly I endured my self made torture alone.

He once asked me why I continued to fight through this. Now that it seemed confirmed she would speak to no one I was free to leave. There was no easy answer to give him- at least none that I could vocalize. I'd considered going through with my initial plan of putting oceans between us on many occasions over the coming weeks, but now that I was getting used to the rhythm of our silent dance, it was becoming harder to consider leaving.

Mostly, I just didn't want to hurt her and since I inexplicably couldn't leave, the only sure way of keeping her alive was to pretend she didn't exist.

At first it worried me just a little that my attempt to keep from causing her pain would defeat itself. No one appreciates being ignored, but the whole point was that by doing this I would save her even more pain in the long run. I didn't know what I would do if she objected to my mute treatment. Hopefully I would be strong enough to persevere even if she protested. The best outcome would be if she decided she didn't want to know a supernatural monster anyways, and forgot about me entirely.

At the time, I was sure the first day would be the hardest, and that with time I would be able to grow accustomed to her presence. At the end of the first day I had been completely sure it would be the hardest, but I was wrong.

The first couple of days back to school were, in fact, easiest. I was able to slip into the back of the class after it started. She never even saw me, though I watched her every movement through the hour. During the breaks on Monday and Tuesday the whole family ditched lunch under the pavilion eliminating the need to pretend to be normal.

Lab would be harder as we shared a desk.

When the time came on Wednesday afternoon I was already seated when she entered. Edward thought it might be easier to keep from acknowledging her if I was already there, and I followed his advice. I'd listened to her approach along the back of the class, listened to her sigh as she bent to put her bag away and pulled out the stool.

"Good morning, Emmett," she'd said. Her voice had been friendly and welcoming, almost as if she'd already forgiven my poor behavior at the hospital. Could she possibly have forgiven a broken promise so easily?

The question burned in my throat nearly as hotly as my desire for her blood. Just barely, I stuck to the plan by gaving her slight nod without looking at her, and turned back toward the front of the room. I could almost feel her rage behind me, but she didn't say anything else that day. Or ever again.

As soon as we got back from school that afternoon I gave Jasper about half a second's warning before tackling him. We fought viciously, breaking boulders over each other's heads and sometimes bodily throwing each other into cliff faces. There was a catharsis in the violence of our fight- an unspoken "I love you, and I forgive you."

We repeated the match the next day, and the next until they became accepted as a daily habit. Occasionally Edward would take Jasper's place, but they both seemed to know that fighting was the only thing that made me feel better.

The possibility of loving her didn't occur to me again. I was too occupied by forcing myself to not notice her. The effort took all of my concentration; any left over capacity was taken by coping with the pain caused by my denial.

More than a month had passed and it got harder every single day. The ever building urgency to be near her threw a giant wrench in my plans. Familiarity was supposed to make this easier- what is that old adage? Time heals all wounds. Apparently time also allows wounds to fester, because I was coming to the limit of my abilities. This must have been why Alice was so skeptical. She must have seen this slow degradation of my strength.

Thirsting for this girl was now the least of my worries. It was the only torment that did seem to get better with familiarity. Every interaction would make me start from scratch, fire would lance down my throat and burn up my chest, but generally by the end of the class I could breathe just a little easier.

Ignoring La Davis wasn't easy by itself, but what I didn't expect were the other little tortures ignoring her would cause. The first of these was my curiosity. I was constantly aware of her movements and her moods. When something changed or shifted my first instinct would be to ask her why. Of course, this would defeat the whole purpose of ignoring her, but not being able to ask irked me more with every missed opportunity.

When she was with her human friends I listened in, trying to glean whatever information about her I could. I thought it might be a good way to assuage the need I felt to ask her myself, but it just raised more questions. She would frequently drop into the monotone I'd heard on her first day, or answer questions with generic answers that were clearly already expected. Occasionally I would catch her asking a question to which she obviously had no interest in the answer, and I wanted to know why she did that.

The girl was an enigma. It was like she was playing a role she had no real interest in, but what reason could any human have for role playing in their real life like that? The fact that I couldn't simply ask her made my frustration build rapidly.

The torment that surprised me the most was my fury toward the little blonde boy that hung around her like a fungus that couldn't be removed. I never in a million years thought I would ever find a human so infuriating, but I considered tripping him and watching him fall on more than one occasion.

The only benefit to his obsession was that it fed my own. He constantly asked her questions, or engaged her in conversation in some other way. He never asked the right things, or followed up in the correct way, but his constant barrage still offered up little tidbits that she would sometimes slip up and drop.

Through him I discovered she had a dry sense of humor, but enjoyed the occasional pun. She genuinely cared about others, nearly to her own detriment. She was loving, and genuine and kind, and a whole lot less patient than she appeared.

The blonde never noticed any of these little slips, though. Didn't hear her when she spoke so glowingly about her niece and nephew, or described in detail the book she was reading. He had built up this imaginary picture of a girl that didn't exist. It was obvious in the way he interrupted her, and listened only long enough to tell his next story. He watched her constantly, but he didn't actually see her.

She deserved someone that saw her completely.

I would have told her that, but she couldn't exist for me.

The worst torment was that she seemed perfectly comfortable pretending I didn't exist either. It would have driven me mad if I wasn't perfectly aware that she still sometimes watched me the way she did before the accident. Alice would give us little warnings before she looked our way. This happened often enough that for whatever reason, it helped soothe the ache.

"La's going to stare at Emmett in a minute," Alice whispered to us during one Wednesday lunch break at the end of February. "Look normal!"

We shifted and fidgeted for the duration of her lingering look. I didn't know what it meant, but I was glad for it.

"I wish…" Alice gave a dramatic whoofing exhale.

"Don't even think about it, munchkin," I said sternly. "It's not happening."

She pouted just as dramatically as her sigh had been. She was anxious to form the friendship she had foreseen. It seemed like she missed the girl, even though she didn't even know her yet.

"I'll admit, you've done better than I thought you would," she frowned. "You've got the future all snarled up and senseless again. I hope you're happy."

"I don't know how to answer that, except my decision makes plenty of sense to me."

She snorted. It made me miss the sound La made when she was surprised or annoyed. The blonde kid was too generic to win it from her.

I was a little more tense than normal today. Though I tried to hide it my siblings were all very aware of this fact, each with their special gifts. Long familiarity gave them the wisdom to refrain from pointing it out, and I was too embarrassed to admit the reason without a prompt.

The truth was, I was beginning to think I might be becoming jealous of a human.

The day before I'd overheard La's blonde-fungus-friend telling one of his little buddies about a new club that had opened in town. They were making plans to go dancing together as a group. Everyone was coupling up, the Fungus had stated. He then proceeded to describe in exacting detail how and when he would ask La to go with him, and continued by expressing his certainty that she would agree.

This was it. This was the awful Thing I'd been unconsciously waiting for. Some other unworthy person to make their move on her. The rage crashed through me in waves. It would take no effort at all to casually walk up behind him and snap his stupid little neck too quickly for anyone else to see.

Reign it in man, I talked myself down. I'd made my decision. I wasn't allowed to then whinge and whine about it. This did not help the irrational emotions that swept me. I couldn't control that, of course. So I mulled, and watched them move around the school.

As far as I knew the blonde hadn't worked up the courage to ask her by break, regardless of the boy's exacting plans from the day before. It seemed La knew something was up, as she was moving more carefully around him. She made sure to enter the pavilion with Jessica, and placed several people between herself and the boy before taking her own seat.

Their conversation was uninspired to the point of mind numbing. La only joined in when nudged or asked a direct question. The idea of such a bland little shit taking her anywhere made me feel like I would break out in hives. Something I hadn't had since around 1922, long before my transition. If my shady human memories served, I'd tripped and fallen into a thorn bush and had gotten tangled in the branches. I'd only gotten free with the strategic use of a pocket knife, and spent the rest of the week scratching at my skin feverishly.

When La's phone reminder went off she tried to duck away before The Blonde Fungus could catch up. Unfortunately, she was carrying a large heavy box that slowed her down. I fought the urge to take it from her and felt another irrational rage when he caught up with her and took it in my place.

I couldn't watch this. I fought a second urge to knock him over as I passed, and headed straight for class. They followed me in an interminable amount of time later. The boy settling the box down on the floor beside her desk, and taking up residence leaned against her side of our table. This had become a weekly habit.

I imagined knocking him on the top of the head with enough force to make his whole body sink into the ground like a pile driver.

"So, hey, La," the idiot faltered. He was waiting for her to ask. What a coward.

"Hey, Mike," she said back.

Oh right, his name was Mike. I endeavored to immediately forget that piece of information.

"Jessica asked me to go with her to the club thing next Saturday…" Fungus let the sentence trail off, obviously trying to lead La into the reaction he desired.

UGH! Twice the coward!

"That's great, Mike! You're going to have a whole lot of fun with her!" Her voice was bright and cheery. I would have laughed at the look of destitution on the kid's face, but I wasn't supposed to be noticing this little drama at all.

"No, I told her I would have to think about it."

Of course you did, I thought savagely. There was nothing likeable about this boy.

"You did what?" La punctuated each word. Her voice dripped with disappointment. Oh, she was good. "Why did you do that?"

She clearly wanted very little to do with this stupid person. The knowledge caused happiness to swell inside my cold dead chest cavity until I thought I would burst. I'd known she was too smart to fall for someone like that, but I couldn't help the irrational worry he would somehow end up being her choice.

"Well, I was sort of wondering if maybe you wanted to go with me?" the boy wheedled.

This was it. The answer once and for all. She hesitated for only a fraction of a second.

In that millisecond I saw her future spread out more clearly than any vision Alice might have. I saw her choose some measly human, saw her go to grad school, choose a career, buy a house. I saw her adopt pets with whichever human she ended up finally saying yes to.

In that fraction of a second I saw her beautiful dusky brown tones flushed with happiness as she walked down an aisle dressed in white. Walking toward a forever with someone that wasn't me. The happiness that had filled me fizzled into an aching melancholy. Could I withstand that? An existence of watching this girl live with anyone else?

That was the point, though- the crux of this whole issue. The conundrum I'd been grappling with for weeks. If I stayed away she would have the chance to live, breathe, grow. There was no guarantee that would happen if I gave in and broke our long silence.

It's possible, Tanya had said. To love a human.

The point I had been avoiding: Alice's vision. According to Alice becoming involved with La would mean one of two things; she would die, or she would become undead.

If I was strong enough to keep from killing her outright, she might at least exist. If this option was something I could forgive myself for, then shouldn't I at least offer the option? In time, once she understood the truth and the gravity of the options, it could be her choice to transition.

What was left of my resolve crumbled and swept away.

"You should tell Jessica 'yes,' Mike," she said.

The boy's eyes swept toward me aggressively. I had to remind myself that I shouldn't laugh at him. "Are you bringing someone else?"

La stiffened at his question. He hadn't even tried to disguise his possessiveness, his jealousy. In that moment I wouldn't have put it past her to pile drive the little shit into the ground herself.

"No, I'm not going at all. I've planned a trip to Seattle to get some stuff for the house." Her words were laced with her displeasure, but Fungus was far too oblivious to pick up on it.

"You can't go some other weekend?" What a whiner.

Since I already got the answer I was looking for I stopped listening. Instead, I allowed myself to turn toward her and look at her properly for the first time in over a month. It felt like a pressure valve being released in my brain. I didn't realize how hard I'd been working to keep from looking at her until I suddenly stopped trying.

I watched her navigate what was left of the thorny conversation she was stuck in. She spoke deftly and left no doubt about the silly boy's chances.

Now that I was free to look, I soaked her entire appearance in. I'd noticed before that she preferred dresses to most things, but was generally forced to wear them with thick woolen leggings underneath due to the weather. Today she'd risked regular stockings, paired with a light blue dress dotted with bumblebees and vines.

The color suited her well.

When the bothersome blonde slouched away La flopped onto her stool, and drew her knees up to prop her feet on the top wrung. She exhaled with a force that blew her lips out and rubbed at her eyebrows. Her shoulders bent in and around herself as though she was protecting her vital organs from a blow. I wanted very much to know why.

I waited patiently for her to look up. It had been so long since we made eye contact. When she did eventually turn her attention my way she caught my stare and held it. Just as I thought she might. She looked wary and confused, but also defiant.

I breathed in just a little, tasting her scent on the air. It scorched through me, but I'd gotten better about controlling my reactions. It had been two weeks since I last hunted. I knew she must be looking into pitch black irises, but she didn't flinch. Silly, brave, incredible woman.

"Can I help you?" It was clear she was pushing more anger into her words than she felt. At least, I thought so. She didn't look angry, just flustered. Maybe she really didn't care one way or another if I ever spoke to her again.

The TA called the class to attention and lab started. Several times through the hour I thought about halting my experiment to talk to her, but still wasn't sure if it was the best idea. After all this time, to break down now was admitting defeat and accepting Alice's vision.

There's no use in worrying about it now, I decided. We'll have to just see what happens.

Next to me, La was prematurely cleaning her station, dropping things with more force than necessary, and slamming notebooks closed. She wiped everything down with ethanol and stared at the cover of her lab book for a long time before finally opening it, and pulling out a calculator.

"La," her name popped out of my mouth. I was as surprised to hear it as she was. Her heart sped to twice its normal beat for a few seconds before settling back into a regular rhythm. She met my gaze slowly.

"What, Emmett? Are you talking to me again?"

"Nope," I offered and nearly laughed. Her expression dropped so dramatically into a flat line she looked like a comic book character.

"Then what can I do for you?" It was the voice- the one she used when she was only doing what was expected of her. The meaning clicked into place; she used it when she was hiding something- be it extraneous emotions, or history.

"Nothing, I just wanted to apologize for being so rude to you," I said cheerfully.

"Oh? And why's that?" The all of a sudden was implied.

"I don't know…" I said honestly. I hadn't realized I was going to speak at all, let alone come up with something to say… But I had to come up with something now. Honesty is the best policy, right? "I think I've given up."

"Given up on what?" she asked.

Ensuring your survival, not falling in love with you… Probably shouldn't start with either of those things. "I'm not sure yet, but I don't want to think about it too much."

"I don't know what that means." She said flatly. When I didn't offer an explanation she shook her head. "You know what? I don't care. I'm not playing games with you. Either you're going to treat me like a person, or I'm going to go on pretending you don't exist."

Uhh… That is also an option. Alice never mentioned it was one, but La not wanting anything to do with me could absolutely change things. "That's definitely an option I hadn't considered."

She didn't trust me, and why should she? I'd treated her abominably. She should pack her bag, walk away, and never talk to me again. It would make the most sense, but I wanted to be worthy of her trust. I wanted to earn it properly and eventually be able to share everything with her.

Before I could gather my wits and respond more appropriately she'd grabbed her bag and was stomping toward the door. About half way down the back of the room her shoulder strap snapped with a loud crack. The bag swung off her shoulder in a spectacular arc, and dumped all over the floor.

For an instant she didn't move. Body rigid, fists clenched by her sides, face pointed toward the ceiling. I imagined she would be screaming right then if she wasn't in a room full of people.

It very easily could have been the wrong thing to do, but I laughed anyway. Great booming belly laughs straight from the gut. She looked so frustrated! It was such a simple thing, and yet the funniest thing in the world in that moment.

I was bent over laughing when I heard a tinkling laugh join my own. La had turned toward me and for whatever reason, instead of getting more frustrated, started laughing as well. Tears leaked from the corner of one of her eyes as she gripped her stomach in mirth.

How ridiculous! Once I had control of myself I went to her and picked the books up from the floor. Another student had found her pencil case under their desk and handed it over. I stuffed everything into her bag and carried it out of the classroom for her.

"Thank you," she said and wiped at the tears on her cheek.

"You're welcome," I responded. "Can I help you to your car with this?"

"No, thanks. I can carry it," she took the bag from me and tucked it under an arm. "I have another class anyway. See you next week."

She wiggled her fingers in a gesture of goodbye and slipped down the hall to the stairwell.

"Yeah…" Next week is not soon enough.

Alice and Jasper were already seated in our usual seats in the Latin classroom when I arrived.

They were both watching me with interest as I sat down, but Jasper spoke as soon as I was settled.

"You look…" He cocked his head and considered. "Better?"

"Did I look like shit before, or something?"

"Yes."

Cool, cool. He was probably even being polite about it.

"Well," Alice piped up from Jasper's other side. "It's nice to see you take a break from glowering at everyone. I think you really scared some people. Giants are bad enough, you know. Angry giants are just intolerable."

"Thank you, Alice."

"You're welcome!" She trilled. "Do I get to talk to La, now?"

"I don't know why you would?"

"Well, if you get to-"

"I haven't decided anything yet," I interrupted her.

"Of course you have," she huffed.

"Have I?" I asked harshly. "Then what's the point of getting to know her if I'm just going to kill her?"

"There's still a chance she might survive the murder," Alice shot back. Jasper coughed to disguise a laugh.

I glared at him until he straightened his face.

"No," I told Alice.

"Not fair!"

"Hasn't anyone ever told-"

"Yeah, yeah whatever." She stuck her tongue out at me and remained silent for the rest of the class. The car ride home was equally silent. Edward either had no thoughts on the recent change of events, or didn't care to share them. Considering I was in no mood to discuss it I was glad for the silence.

When the car was parked in the garage I leapt out, and headed for the woods surrounding the house.

"Wrestle later?" Jasper called as I breached the first row of trees.

"Nah," I called back. "I'm going hunting. See you in the morning."

"We're going hunting Friday," he said.

"I know," I said, and left my siblings behind.

The others were going on a trip that would range further out into the mountains where there was more big game and a higher density of predators. Now that I'd broken the seal and spoken to the girl I knew I wouldn't be able to stop it. It was no longer safe for me to be thirsty at all. Until we saw an end to this catastrophe of a chance meeting, I would need to over hunt as much as possible.

There wasn't much hunting available so close in to the Cullen home, but I was able to find a herd of elk, and by some miracle- a recently woken black bear. This allowed me the removal of some frustration as the irritable bear put up quite a fight. At the end of this feast, though, I was woefully uncomfortable. The blood sloshed in my stomach as I ran back toward Forks.

It wasn't until I was standing outside La's house that I realized this had been my plan all along. The morning wasn't soon enough, I needed to see her now. I reasoned with myself that I only wanted to see that she was okay, that our earlier conversation hadn't left her with any lingering uneasiness. I told myself that this was a reasonable thing to do, as we had to be sure the family was safe.

All of these excuses were extremely thin, even to me. It was clear I was stalking her for my own inexcusable desires just so that I could be near her.

When I arrived at the little cottage it was well after midnight. The house was entirely dark save for a dim light in the upstairs hallway, and one in the kitchen downstairs. Her Fiat was parked neatly in the curving drive out front. All the outside lights were off.

I considered the house. The front door was most likely locked, but there probably weren't any locks on the upstairs windows. In an older house like this locks would have to be installed, and few would bother doing so for the second story.

There was a well situated window at the back of the house that was covered with shadow from surrounding trees. None of the light from the streetlamps made it this far back, and there was a handy eave I could hang from to peer in.

Scaling the house was even easier than it looked. In seconds I was hanging from the eave I had chosen staring into a quaint lofted bedroom filled with comfortable furniture arranged over a dense woven rug.

By the luck of whatever deity might hold the undead in their hand- I had chosen the window into La's bedroom. She was asleep in a squashy four poster bed with the covers tucked up to her chin. As I watched she kicked the duvet off and flounced onto her stomach, tucking her arms into her chest underneath her body.

A few twitches later she kicked the sheet off as well, and curled into a fetal position on her side. She was sleeping… violently. I listened closely to the sound of her deep even breathing for a few minutes, as she continued to toss and turn.

After another few seconds I had to acknowledge how weird it was for me to be watching her sleep like this. This was the kind of thing perverts did… or serial killers.

While I could accept the serial killer thing, as technically…. I could not accept the pervert thing. I needed to nip this while- well, I wasn't exactly ahead, but at least nip it before it got really weird.

Just as I was about to let go of the eave over her window, she flipped angrily to her other side and said, "Go away."

I froze thinking she'd somehow seen me in the darkness outside her window. I listened hard, but there was nothing save for the faint sounds of air rushing through her lungs.

La talked in her sleep.

Suddenly all thoughts of weirdness and perversion left my head and I was carefully pushing her window open. It squeaked minutely from long disuse and I cringed with every sound. At one particularly loud groan she kicked her sheets back up over her shoulders and huddled beneath them. I thought I was caught, but a moment later she mumbled something about "shitty mice," and her deep breathing continued.

I caught the window ledge and climbed silently through the opening I had made.

Her room was rather large, with a slightly vaulted ceiling. A table next to her bed held a short stack of books, her phone, and an antique analogue clock. The rug was solid beneath my feet, and extended to reach within a foot of all the walls in the room. The wall at the foot of the bed contained a doorway to a bathroom, and to the left of the bed was an antique fainting chair that looked nearly as squashy as the bed did.

There were very few personal effects in the space. Nothing on the walls at all, most of the shelves were empty, and her closet was fairly sparse. Several pairs of shoes-mostly boots, littered the floor of the closet, but there weren't any other mementos in there, either.

The lack of anything personal in her room made me want to explore the rest of her house, but that seemed like it would be taking this whole venture just a touch too far- as though stalking her in the first place wasn't enough.

I resisted the urge and sat on the chaise to wait.

She didn't speak, but a soft snore trickled out of her nose. She was wearing an old band t-shirt and boxers that had been loved enough they were beginning to roll up at the hems.

La was a stunning woman. When I first saw her I'd found her attractive enough, but now- with her curls tangling into knots above her head, mouth partly open in sleep- I found her absolutely breathtaking.

Or I would have had I been breathing, but that seemed a little risky considering the circumstances.

As I watched her breathe I thought about what my presence in her home realistically meant. It meant I had absolutely given up entirely. Was I ready to handle the events this would trigger? Was there any way to exist if everything went terribly wrong?

Whatever else happened I knew that hurting her was no longer an option. Whatever else I did, I needed to make sure it was for the best for her future. I had to do right by her.

What did I know about doing right by a human?

Frustration sent me tumbling in the opposite direction again. This was pointless. I was a predator, she was prey, and I needed to get the fuck out of here before my brain broke. I was going to leave and not come back until this bothersome female had left. That was the end of it. No more flip flopping, no more lamenting, or pining.

I was not behaving like myself, and I missed the calm assurance that came with being Emmett. When a problem arose, I handled it- end of story.

If La didn't end up being the death of me this back and forth would. I pushed myself out of the chaise, and began to walk purposefully to the window.

"Emmett," her voice sighed. It was so soft it could have been the wind.

Oh no, I froze at the foot of her bed. La's eyes were still unopened. I stared at her, trying to decipher if she'd momentarily woken up and seen me in her sleep befuddled brain.

She mumbled incoherently and kicked her sheets off again. Her hands were clenched into fists above her head, but her eyes remained closed. She was definitely still asleep and dreaming.

"Emmett…" She murmured again. My feet carried me back over to the chaise and I sank into it.

She was dreaming of me.

"Stay," she whispered. "Don't go… please…"

La Davis was dreaming of me, and she wanted me to stay. Wherever she was, whatever we were doing there, she wanted me to stay.

Emotions swamped me. It felt like I had been standing under a gigantic wave that knocked me down, and sucked me under. There was a barrage of new feelings- none of which I understood; it was impossible to keep track of them all. I was drowning.

When I resurfaced from the deluge, I was not the same person. I couldn't begin to understand what this meant, but I knew beyond a doubt, that I would do everything in my power to stay here with La, and keep her alive.

When I had become a vampire I'd been 25 years old. Old enough that my growing had been finished and my emotional maturity was mostly stable. The transition had all but frozen me- my flesh hard and barely malleable, my likes and dislikes halted, my moods and desires fixed.

All of us vampires the same. We were all frozen in a nearly unchanging state. For something to shift within us was momentous and permanent. The most frequent change among our kind was love. When we found it, it changed us in an eternal way that would never fade. Carlisle and Esme, Alice and Jasper, Carmen and Eleazar- all of them gazed on each other with the incredulous eyes of first love, because for them it would always be their first love.

Now, it would be that way for me. La had changed me, and that was irrevocable for the rest of my existence.

I smiled. It was almost a relief to finally come to a conclusion, to have the change come over me, to know I hadn't gone insane- if you considered falling in love with a human sanity.

"Don't go," La whispered again.

"I won't," I whispered back. She seemed to settle after that, her sleep turned more peaceful, a slight smile settled onto her features.

So, I loved her then. Wow.

What did this mean? Nothing had changed really, not for her anyway. Being near me still had to be her choice from start to finish- whatever that finish may be, and she may not choose me at all. The thought of her deciding I wasn't worthy of her was so pain inducing I had to steer my thoughts in another direction.

I wanted her to choose me, and I would do my best to make sure that happened.

Rule number one: Don't be a dick.

I could do that. Probably.

What else? I stalled. I had no idea how to make one person fall in love with another. Giving her the chance to get to know me was probably a good start. Being honest might help. I was in murky waters here because I'd never cared enough about a lover to try before.

Rule number one: Don't be a dick.

Rule number two: Be honest.

Rule number three: Don't kill her for fuck's sake.

Intentionally, I took a deep breath in through my mouth and nose letting the fire brutalize my throat. If I was going to chase her properly, I was going to need to be immune to this scent.

La said my name again and I stopped thinking. I just watched her sleep and breathed her scent until the sun rose, marveling at the newness of my existence, and just hoping that I didn't fuck it up.

By the time I got home, my siblings had already left in the VW. I ran upstairs, changed and darted out the door as quickly as I could. Esme watched me rush about with worry plain on her features. To console her I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before I dashed out of the house. I'd have to explain everything to her later.

The run to school was quick and uneventful. I arrived mere seconds after my siblings did, but stayed hidden in the trees as they walked toward campus. I paced the same clearing I'd used the previous week until I heard La's Abarth rumble into the parking lot. Once she was on the correct row I snuck out of the tree cover to stand behind a large SUV.

Her eyes swept the parking lot, pausing thoughtfully on Edward's VW before she parked in her assigned place a few spaces down across the aisle.

I wondered if she'd fixed the strap that had snapped the day before or if she would need help carrying her books to class. A thrill ran through me as I realized I would be able to ask instead of just wonder.

She popped out of the Fiat and made her way to the hatch juggling a water bottle, a coffee mug, her phone, and her car key. She managed to swing the hatch open, but dropped the key and her phone as she did so. I moved silently up behind her and nabbed the key out of a deep puddle as she snatched her phone out of a shallower one.

I held the key out to her as she turned to face me, smile already beginning at the corners of her mouth.

"How do you do that?" She asked by way of greeting.

Clearly, she didn't expect an answer, so I didn't offer one. Instead I took her bag off her shoulder and discreetly inspected the strap. It was basically glued together with little bits of string sticking out at odd angles where she had tried, and failed, to sew it.

"Do what?" I asked.

"Appear out of thin air, obviously."

"It's not my fault you are exceptionally unobservant, La."

"Oh!" She exclaimed. "Are we on this again?" She made a sort of huffing noise that came out of her nose in a rush. I grinned at the sound.

"You're right," I allowed. "That's not fair." Especially considering she caught just about everything. It was impressive, really, how much she saw that others missed. I remembered my vow to be myself and to be honest from the night before.

"The truth is I don't know," I finished. Did that sound as lame to her as it did to me?

"I see," she said with a vaguely flippant air. "Are you planning on giving me any other truths?"

We were at Northeast 3 now. I leaned against the wall next to the door and handed her bag back.

"No," I told her. It wasn't that I didn't want to, I just wasn't really able to.

She did not like this answer. I remembered that I had promised her an explanation and then actively stomped on it. That was something I had to make up for, and in doing so, I wouldn't be making any more promises I couldn't keep.

"Hey wait!" I called as she turned on her heel to stalk off. She turned back to me and found that I'd moved just a touch closer. My head was bent down so I could peer more closely into her eyes. I wanted to read their every expression.

Her eyes seemed to drift out of focus for a second, and her heart was beating wildly. She seemed to lean in toward me just a little, lips parted.

"Will you join me for lunch today?" I wanted to touch her, smooth her hair behind her ear, or touch her cheek. She was so close I could see the blood pumping in her neck. Venom dripped into my mouth obtrusively. I swallowed it back as I waited for her to answer.

"…yeah…" she sort of mumbled out.

"Great!" I said before she could change her mind. "I'll see you later, then!"

I took off on her then, elated that she'd said yes. I would have done a jig, but it somehow didn't seem appropriate in a crowded walkway.

The extra time I had taken to wait on La then walk her to class had set me a bit behind schedule. I jogged up the steps of the electives building and banged through the doors that led from the stairwell to the hallway that contained my class.

Alice was waiting for me outside the door to her own classroom. She was taking some electives in clothing design, which seemed pretty silly to me. She could have taught that curriculum better than any professor, but I supposed it allowed her to work on projects while she had to be in school. She'd seen me coming of course, and was waiting to intercept me when I passed by.

"She'll be outside classroom 301 in northwest 2," Alice said without preamble. "Can I talk to her now?"

"No," I grinned at Alice's mutinous expression. "Just let me work this out organically, okay?"

"We are hardly organic creatures," Alice stated flatly.

"Don't speak so poorly of yourself, kid," I answered. "You can be anything you want to be."

I continued down the hall toward my classroom.

"Hey," Alice called. "Be careful, okay?"

"Are you more worried about her or me?"

"There isn't really a difference anymore."