Second Chances: Chapter 6

Knowing that she had been putting it off for too long already, B'Elanna commed Dr. Bayrote, her hybrid psychiatrist, as soon as she woke up the next morning, and just as she suspected he would do—and hoped he would not—he immediately cancelled all of his scheduled patients for the morning and made his way to her bedside.

"Good morning, B'Elanna," he said pleasantly, his bright green eyes wide. Not for the first time, B'Elanna reflected on the fact that the hybridology department at Starfleet Medical had relatively few hybrids. Dr. Zalun, the neurologist, was half-Betazoid, and Navi's mother, one of the psychologists, was half-Betazoid and half-Vulcan, but they were the only ones she knew of. Dr. Gault was married to a Bajorian and they had four kids, but he himself was fully human; Dr. Hrom was Centauri; and Dr. Bayrote was fully Hyshua.

"I don't know how good I'd say it is," she grumbled, trying hard to be angry with him but knowing she was failing. In addition to being so friendly all the time, Hyshuas released a pheromone that buoyed the feelings of people around them. Unfortunately, it was only a temporary fix, wearing off as soon as they were no longer in proximity, but it definitely contributed to Hyshuan being known around the Federation as the happiest planet in the quadrant.

"I understand," he said, and even though she had wanted to bite off the heads of all the people who have said that in the last few weeks, she felt like maybe he did understand. She didn't know if that was a result of his pheromones or his telepathy, though. "You said you're ready to talk?"

And she did, going into much more detail than she had with anybody else, with even her personal logs, describing her anger, her uncertainty about raising her daughter alone, her frustrations with the medications, her inability to work and her concerns that her job would no longer be available, and most of all, her incredible confusion about the state of Tom and the rest of the Voyager crew. "I don't understand," she said with a frown. "I know I should be grieving, but... It just doesn't feel like he's dead. I don't know how to explain it, if it's the bond or I'm just in denial, but... I don't know."

"The bond between you and Tom is chemical, not telepathic," he gently reminded her.

"I know," she said quickly. "And I don't prescribe to the idea of soulmates or anything like that. Rationally, I know ships don't disappear without leaving some sort of debris, and so I wonder if there was a wormhole or a fold in space, but the ships that investigated didn't find anything that would lead them to suspect an astrologic phenomenon."

"Do you think proof of the ship's destruction would help end your denial?"

"I don't know," she said honestly, again with a frown. "I feel like it should, but I think that even if I saw a nacelle or a deck plating, that I would still feel like he's coming back. It feels so different from denial, and I don't know how to explain it. I was in denial when my father left, and I still remember how that felt."

"You were a lot younger then," he reminded her gently. "Your neural pathways weren't fully formed."

"I know," she said softly, remembering how she felt, how she asked her mother every day if her father was coming home that day, how it took her an entire Kessik summer to realize that he had never written, never commed, and that he wasn't going to be coming back. Even after that, though, she still had fantasies about what she would do or say when he came back to find her.

And then he did come back into her life, in a way, and she found that she wanted nothing to do with him. At all.

"How is your pregnancy?" he asked, changing the subject away from her denial, and against her will, a slight smile ghosted across B'Elanna's face.

"I can feel her kick sometimes," she said. "I've been able to for a few weeks."

"And how does that make you feel?"

She thought about that for a second. "A little scared," she admitted. "My mother raised me mostly on her own, and..." She didn't know how to describe where the failings were. She knew that her mother had loved her, but her way of showing it often left something to be desired. "She was too strict," she finally said. "I don't think she understood that I was my own person, not just a piece of her, and I worry that I'll do the same thing. I think that's why I thought Tom and I would be good parents together—he would let them have fun and let them be their own people, and I would keep them focused." She smiled again as she rolled her eyes. "As if any kid of Tom's would be able to focus," she scoffed. "I worry that I'll want too much out of her, that I'll push her down a path that maybe she doesn't want to go down. And I worry that I won't see that I'm doing it until it's too late, like it was with my mother."

"Have you thought about seeing your mother?" She blinked in surprise. He knew how she felt about her mother, about the chasm between them that had existed since she left for the Academy - since before she left for the Academy - about the lack of words between them. "You are about to become a mother," he reminded her. "You have a point of commonality that you've never had, a point of understanding. I'm sure she didn't want to push you away, just as you are afraid of doing the same with your child."

"I feel like she'll say that she told me so," B'Elanna said softly. "That she'll say that all human men are the same, that Tom did to me what my father did to her."

"But you know that they're not the same."

"I do know," she said with a nod. "But I still don't know how to deal with her perceptions."

"You can always explain how incorrect they are."

"You're making my mother out to be much more reasonable than she is," B'Elanna said warningly. Dr. Bayrote smiled gently.

"As I said, you're about to be a mother," he reminded her. "You have a common point of understanding, common across all parents, that worry that you're doing something wrong and that your child—or you—will be harmed because of it. Even though you don't know your daughter yet, how would you feel if she left your life because of some perceived failure on your part?"

And for the first time in her life, B'Elanna Torres felt like maybe she had misjudged her mother.

It took another two weeks before Dr. Gault and Dr. Hrom synthesized a medication that would keep her hormone levels safe and stable enough for her and her baby—at least for the duration of the pregnancy—without leaving her drowsy, and after a few more days of observation, they announced that she was safe to be discharged, as long as she followed up with them regularly. Knowing she had no choice, she agreed, if only to get out of that damn prison of a hospital room.

Her first order of business after changing out of her hospital gown and into some comfortable civilian clothes, was to call Commander Rohder at Utopia Planitia. "You're looking well, B'Elanna," he greeted.

"Thank you, sir," she replied. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to finish my write up of my last experiments."

He waved aside her apology. "We're a team here," he reminded her. "It wasn't a problem."

His comments about the team reminded her of why she was calling. "Sir, I requested a transfer to the R&D division at Starfleet Engineering," she said hesitantly. "It was an honor to work with the TPG, but—"

"It's already taken care of," he interrupted. "I understand that you have a lot on your plate, medically, if nothing else. Being close to Starfleet Medical is the best decision. Commander Johansen is looking forward to meeting with you."

"Thank you, sir," she said honestly.

"We're all hoping that you consider coming back to Utopia Planitia at some point," he continued. "You brought a lot to the table here and did a lot of good work."

"I hope I get the opportunity," she said with a nod.

"Keep in touch, Lieutenant," he said in a faux-commanding tone that made her smile. He didn't do 'commanding' all that well. "I expect to be getting a birth announcement in a few months."

"You're on the list, sir," she said with a smile. "Thanks again, sir."

Alicia was waiting right outside the door when B'Elanna was done, ready to escort her to the Paris home. B'Elanna said that she would start searching for an apartment as soon as she could, but Alicia said that there was no rush. If B'Elanna knew her in-laws, which she most certainly did, they weren't going to be letting her move out anytime soon. She'd be lucky if her daughter didn't leave for college from Tom's old bedroom.

Dinner at the Paris house was pleasant, with both of Tom's sisters and their families—the Wylands now with a newborn—there to welcome B'Elanna home. Even though Owen had removed the chair where Tom usually sat, however, they all still felt his absence acutely, all waiting a few beats after a light-hearted comment for him to add his particular brand of humor, all feeling the disappointment when his voice wasn't there to be heard.

B'Elanna wondered if it would ever get easier. She didn't know if she wanted it to.

Several hours after they had finished eating and Nikki's family had returned to Colorado, B'Elanna found herself wandering Tom's childhood house, and as she often did when she had a lot on her mind, she ended up in Owen's study. The admiral glanced up when she entered, a sad smile crossing his face. "We're really glad to have you here, B'Elanna," he said. "We all just wish it was under better circumstances."

"So do I," she replied softly. She had automatically put her things in Tom's room when she had come in from Starfleet Medical, but was now dreading going back into that room, not sure how she would be able to fall asleep on that bed without Tom there with her.

She knew the next thing she had to say wouldn't be easy to say, or to hear, so she did it quickly, her words coming out in a rush. "I need to go to Qo'noS," she said. "I can't thank you and Alicia enough for being my family, but I need to find my mother." She swallowed the sudden thickness in her throat. "I need to tell her that I understand, that I know why she raised me the way she did. I need her to know that I've forgiven her."