S2 E8 - The Goodbye

It was Dwayne's big-brotherly man-hug on the station veranda earlier that day that prompts Fidel to do the crazy thing that he does. He actually HUGS his boss!

Fidel would never have dared such an intimate move except Dwayne's hug had helped him so much, given him confidence and comfort and support. It had supplied a much needed shot of positive reinforcement in a time of personal misery and uncertainty. Fidel had felt buoyed and appreciated. It had helped a lot. How does Dwayne know to do these things?

Now he wants to share it with his boss.

He senses his boss' unhappiness. Somehow, the Chief is upset. But why? Who knows? The man has moaned and complained and carped about getting back to England (but not lately) - and now here he is getting his wish on a silver platter - and somehow the man is not happy.

And so, the sudden urge to hug the Chief washes over Fidel at the taxi and he steps in and he does it.

His boss' sudden rigidity does not go unnoticed. For a split second, Fidel fears he has crossed a line that he should never have even approached. But then there is a minute lessening of rigor, a nod, a quick pat on the arm, and Fidel knows that the Chief knows. The Chief accepts. The Chief is comforted. Fidel almost whispers, "Come back to us," but clamps his lips on this at the last second in confusion. As he steps back from the man, he sees the pleased embarrassment and is content. He wanted to give positive reinforcement and he did.

Mission accomplished.

Richard's wretchedness cannot be expressed but it can be compounded, it seems!

Just as he is beginning to calm down from that inexplicable scene with Camille on his veranda, Fidel steps in and sweeps him up in a man-hug! Richard's brain almost explodes. This whole situation is so ridiculous! Home! I'm going home. I'm finally going home at last... and I'm miserable! Why? Why can't I speak? Why can't I just smile and nod and turn away? Why do my eyes burn and my throat ache? This hug! It goes on too long. Like Fidel is saying goodbye forever. Everyone's words say one thing. Everyone's actions say another. It all seems so final. Goodbye forever. The big send off. A funeral.

This hug! His first-ever man-hug that didn't happen on the athletic field and it feels so strange. Strange but wonderful. He almost hugs Fidel back. He almost sinks his face into the young man's shoulder and almost whispers, "I'm coming back to you. To you all." But he doesn't. Razor blades in his throat.

How have these people come to mean so much to me? How have I come to love them so deeply?

Yes, love. Just as his shocked mind is trying to come to grips with this, Camille steps in.

Her kiss is a mere buss, her hug a mere pat. His entire soul surges towards her like the tide to a full moon yet he stands like an inert object. Like the stone he's always tried to be. Like the inanimate object she's always accused him of being. He longs with his whole heart for her kiss and embrace to last forever. Forever. Not a moment. But a moment is all he gets, a moment so fleeting that it is over before he even knows it has started.

As she steps back, her heat and warmth and energy whisk away and he feels like he's dying. He wonders if it's all he deserves. He's been such a fool; he feels it, he sees it, he grieves it. It roars through his body and mind like a brush-fire fanned by a hurricane – and he simply cannot accept it! Cannot. WILL not. Shall not! His heart swells mightily then deflates in confusion as he realizes that he simply doesn't know what to do about it, about any of it.

So, he reaches deep down into his stunted bag of defense mechanisms and pushes a big button marked 'autopilot' which turns him and gets him into the taxi. He calls something inane out the window to these loved ones and congratulates himself on keeping the eternal stiff upper lip of the mask that hurts like it is too tight but is still doing its job. His heart is protected once more. Protected yet yearning.

And, so, he glances back at his team just to wave a jaunty little 'ta ta' and he sees her face one last time. Desperate. Forlorn. Forsaken. Famished. Something wonderful is leaving her life and she is powerless to stop it. Tears stand in dark mysterious eyes as she stares after him.

For just an instant, and for the first time ever, he can read her like a book. She simply doesn't know what to do about any of this either. She's as lost as he is. For the first time in their entire partnership, they are on the exact same page and on the exact same word.

!STAY!

He almost jumps out of the taxi.

END

**this is a lost story that I just rediscovered. Weird how it fits so neatly into the story-line that is now rushing to completion here**