Bah...writing is hard. I hope this is ok :/
XXX

Chapter 9

Even with her hair tight in a ponytail, Jane can still push her fingers through it across her scalp.

She had been selfish. She was being selfish. It was time to stop.

She had beer confidence...many many beers. Almost the entire box. She couldn't have done this sober.

She sat on her couch phone in hand for over an hour re-reading the text she was about to send.

She had gone over and over it. She had wanted to confess to Maura with everything she had...but the last time she had tried, Maura couldn't understand or couldn't believe it, so much so that the beautiful blonde had blacked out and forgotten the entire thing.

Would telling Maura again even do anything other that repeat the process...freak her out again. Would she again hold her best friend, limp in her arms.

Her thumb hovers over the send button as she hates herself for both ending it this way and beginning it in the first place.

She hoped Maura would wake up the next day and remember all of it...but three days had passed with the phone off in her hall drawer and eventually her hope had faded.

"Did you want to kiss me?"

The words had swirled her mind for those three days.

The truth, again revealed, would definitely open up a hundred more questions, she had expected the questions that night but they never came. Those dangerous questions. Although, with every empty beer bottle added to her table, those dangerous questions felt like they would be much less dangerous.

But she had promised herself to end it. More than once. She had to end it now. She had promised Maura she would fix it.

So with a final sigh of strength and defeat...she presses send from the burner phone.

It is over. It has been dealt with. There is no further danger. Thank you Doctor Isles.

She had almost signed it off with a J. Maybe somehow she wanted to be caught, maybe she felt she deserved whatever she got.

She had almost chewed through her lip writing it. She had almost cried knowing the part she loved most might be over forever. Almost cried.

Even at the edge of emotional exhaustion she wouldn't cry.

It was her own doing. She had begun and ended it and all the feelings she had created was her self-punishment and she didn't deserve to feel sad.

It was over now...but it wouldn't be the same. Things would go back to the way it was before all this began.

A bittersweet thought.

It was good if it had never happened in one way but she would miss it. And she was left with these feelings she couldn't quite decipher and couldn't make go away.

She tried to console herself that it wouldn't be that different but she knew it was a self deluded lie.

Maura would probably date men again, especially now she had more free time.

Jane shuddered at the thought.

Maura wouldn't pop over to hang every weekend anymore.

Maura most likely wouldn't invite her as her plus one again.

Maura wouldn't push herself outside her comfort zone and attempt something crazy again, just because Jane asked her too.

No more. Not again.

It was over, no more dates, no more games, no more close moments.

"I'm sorry Maura." Jane whispers into the empty room as she switches the phone off, pulls the battery out and chucks them both onto her coffee table.

And suddenly she feels more alone than she has ever felt. She doesn't feel better at all. If only she could do the last few weeks over and over and over again without any consequences. Or even repeat one of those days...any one of them.

She can still remember Maura taking her by the hand tugging her gently down the hall.

She can definitely still remember Maura's soft lips against hers.

She can almost still feel Maura pressed against her, breathing out that little sigh that she did last night...the moment the kiss ended.

She throws herself backwards onto the couch and puts her hands over her face, "I'm an idiot."

Regret outweighs the relief by the barest margin.

It had began in fun, it had wrapped up her emotions, taken over her thoughts and left her by the side of an empty highway with her thumb in the air and not a single car in sight. She couldn't think of anything in her life that had been such a rollercoaster of emotions...good emotions...great ones.

And now she is too exhausted to even reach for the last bottle of beer in the box.

She doesn't want to move, she doesn't want to think. She should just sleep because then she won't think or remember or care and tomorrow she will be working with Maura so sleep will help her keep her messy broken emotions in check.

A knocking on the door partially wakes her.

"I'm not home Ma." She groans into the sofa cushion.

She can hear the key in the lock and buries her head in the couch cushion further. She doesn't want company, she needs a few more hours wallowing in self pity.

"Jane?"

It's Maura's voice and it reaches her ears and fills her with an unbearable sadness.

It was in that moment, with the sweetness and urgency in Maura's voice, she knew unequivocally that the guilt was still there.

"Maur. What do you want?" She groans hating herself for her own behavior in this moment and the way her voice is so defensive when it shouldn't be.

She doesn't want Maura to see her like this. She also doesn't want Maura around her because that guilt is still heavy.

She can't see Maura smile softly at the sight of a long crumpled body buried mostly cushions and blankets. Nor the frown that follows at the sight of the coffee table covered in empty beer bottles. Then she moves to perch on the edge of the couch by Jane's feet.

"Have you been celebrating?"

Jane groans out a word that almost resembles 'What?'.

"It smells like a brewery in here."

Jane only grunts in response. Maura reaches for the ankle closest to her and gently squeezes, usually Jane would swat Maura off, she can't.

"Are you ok Jane?"

Jane peeks at Maura from behind the cushion. Maura is wearing a gorgeous black blazer with a knee high orange dress underneath. Her hair is down and dancing around her shoulders, a subtle smile playing at her lips. It reminds her of last night.

Jane misses her completely.

"Yeah."

"Did you hear the news?"

Jane works hard to soften her tone, the last thing she wants is to turn into a grump and loose her best friend...loose her further rather.

"News?" Jane asks softly.

"It's over Jane. You're not in danger anymore."

"Oh...right...yeah." Jane finally recalls the text she sent. Glancing at the clock on her wall tells her that was several hours ago.

"I have been trying to call you."

Jane pulls herself up so she is sitting. Her mother did teach her some manners even if she doesn't always use them, "I don't know where my phone is. Sorry Maur."

Maura chews her lip as she studies Jane. Noting the beehive of hair, the lounging around clothes that look like they were put on in the dark, and the red eyes.

"Did they catch him?"

"Who?"

"The...the guy. I mean we can talk about it now right?"

Jane frowns, too tired to think up a decent response, "Uh...yeah...I guess."

"You don't know?"

Jane wants to crawl into a hole in the ground, the answer a lie she doesn't want to give, the joke was meant to end, "I dunno all the details yet Maur."

Maura nods softly, "Was it someone you knew?"

"I...uh..." And Jane knows Maura won't stop without details, "...sort of."

Maura swallows heavily and asks the question she always asks, the question that always bothers her because it determines her friends future safety, "Why you Jane?"

Jane bites her lip first and then sighs softly, "Can we talk about this later?"

Maura smiles weakly, "How later Jane? Because that sounds like never. Later tonight, tomorrow, next week?"

Jane scowls, it was the reply she should have expected, "Couple of days Maur."

Maura smiles back not put off by Jane's demeanor, "Well at least we don't have to worry anymore. I feel so relieved."

Jane bites her lip as she nods.

Every part of her wants to reach out and touch Maura, comfort her, silently promise everything will be ok with a gentle touch. Instead she fakes a stretch for good measure.

"I thought we could go out and celebrate. But you will have to change." Maura pulls a disapproving face at the thought of Jane in public in her current state.

Jane wants to shrug, and yell, and punch her boxing bag. The part of her that desperately wants Maura can't deal with the part that won't admit it and wants to sulk.

"I...don't feel up to it...right now."

"I understand. It has been hard for you."

Jane can't look at Maura in that moment. Suddenly the guilt of what she had done is heavier than the guilt while she was doing it. Perhaps it's because the prize was dangling in front of her then. It was distracting her.

"I'm fine." Jane half yells. She didn't mean to sound angry...or maybe she did.

"Should I go Jane?" Maura says as though Jane didn't just snap at her.

"No." Jane says softly forcing a fake smile, "Shit...I'm sorry Maur- thank you for coming over and sorry I worried you."

Maura chuckles with relief, "No more than usual Jane."

Maura moves closer on the couch taking Jane's feet and putting them on her legs and rubbing her calves, "We can just stay in."

It's a gesture Jane once admitted helped her relax. But now it was causing her to hold her breath for so many reasons she can't begin to try to pin one down.

Maura doesn't seem to notice Jane's dilemma. How comforting Jane finds it even through the material.

Jane swallows heavily as she watches for a moment, Maura seems so normal, so calm, as if nothing has changed between them, not a thing.

"Are you ok Maur?"

Maura turns to her and smiles sweetly, "I am really great."

They don't break eye contact for a long moment, not that that is unusual.

And Jane wonders if she should just sit up and grab Maura and just kiss her again. Just get it over with. Force a discussion. Help her understand what if really going on.

"Are we ok Jane?" Maura asks softly causing Jane to swallow again,

"Yeah...course. Are we?"

Maura nods, a smile playing at the corner of her lips making one dimple seem much deeper than the other.

Jane feels the sudden need to distance herself from the touch, from confusion and guilt and desire and frustration, and claims her feet back and pulls herself so quickly off the couch she knocks over a beer bottle which begins to roll across the table stopped by the clunk of another empty bottle.

Maura watches it happen without attempting to catch it. Jane watches grateful the cascade effect of it was not greater.

"Do you uh...want a coffee?" Jane asks finally.

Maura doesn't reply as she stares at the multitude of beer bottles in front of her.

"Maura?" Jane growls desperate for a reply.

Maura turns quickly, surprised, like she has been caught out in her thoughts.

"Jane?" Her voice is light and breathy like the way Maura often tells her off.

"Uh...do you want a coffee."

"I will have whatever you're making Jane." Maura replies softly.

Jane makes her way to the kitchen to put on the kettle and make the drinks.

"You must be more relieved than I am." Maura calls from the couch, it is a question disguised as a statement.

Jane senses the uncertainty in the statement, she knows she has to push past all the real emotions to act the way she probably should be behaving in these fake circumstances, giving Maura a hearty smile as she gets out the cups. Certainly she can sum up some of the relief that it's all over, twist it from cruel and self hurtful into being free and relieved that her actions have not destroyed their relationship. Because anything less than her best performance won't fool her friend for a second.

"Yes. I am relieved."

"What are you most relieved about Jane?"

Jane feels like she is being interrogated. She regrets bringing this upon herself. She can't leave any holes of doubt in her story or it might all unravel.

"Honestly...that I don't have to fear what might come next."

"How afraid were you Jane?"

How afraid was she, is she...afraid

at how upset Maura would have been if she had found out. Afraid that Maura hadn't actually wanted to kiss her at all. Afraid to loose her best friend.

The clicking of the kettle boiling pulls her away from those dangerous thoughts beginning to swirl again. The thoughts that make her want to down another case of beer.

"About as terrified as when Hoyt had us in prison."

She turns to find Maura standing directly behind her and she is being scrutinized.

"Sorry." She whispers assuming Maura had perhaps been talking and she had failed to respond.

Maura tightens her already clenched her jaw and rotates the ring on her finger, her forehead lined with a deep frown, "Sorry?"

Jane can tell Maura is upset.

"What's wrong Maur?"

Maura crosses her arms and raises an eyebrow expectantly, "You tell me Jane."

Jane blinks a few times and opens her mouth unsure what to say.

"I um...I..."

"I'm waiting Jane."

Hazel eyes stare at her for a long moment like they are boring a hole into her soul.

"Because I mentioned Hoyt?" Jane asks with a frown as she holds the coffee cup out to Maura.

Maura doesn't reach for it. Maura doesn't even look at it.

Her heart starts to race and her palms are becoming moist. She puts Maura's cup on the counter so she doesn't drop it.

"There is nothing you want to say to me Jane?"

Jane swallows so loudly she is sure the apartment next door heard it as well, "Um...About what? I don't know what you're talking about Maur."

"You really don't?"

"Maur?" Jane begs softly.

"Jane." Maura huffs angrily.

"I...Is this about the uh...the kiss?"

Maura looks disappointed as she furrows her bottom lip between her teeth, and Jane feels a sense of dark looming dread approaching like an angry cloud towards her.

"I have to go Jane." Maura says heavily while she stares into Jane's eyes.

Jane shakes her head wishing she could figure out what just happened.

"What?"

Maura presses her lips together and gives a strange sort of smile. Nothing like a smile really. Her lips move up together but the corners of her mouth don't seem to move. There is no warmth, happiness or comfort. It is more like a sentence...an end..a regretful conclusion.

Then she turns and walks out Jane's door leaving her standing alone feeling as dismayed as the look she just received.

"Maura...what the hell?" Jane asks weakly.

Maura doesn't stop, or turn. She closes the door behind her with a click. And Jane can only frown.

She is too shocked and confused to even chase after Maura.

She looks at the untouched instant coffee on the counter. She replays the conversation over in her head. She shouldn't have mentioned the kiss, or Hoyt. She shouldn't have been angry at Maura. She should definitely not made Maura an instant coffee.

"Was it something I said?" Jane breathes weakly into the empty apartment knowing there is no-one that can answer her.

For two days, Jane manages to avoid Maura, or Maura is avoiding Jane. For two days Jane has been driving herself nuts trying to figure out what happened, what she should say. So for now, Maura avoiding her is for the best.

Outside of work she shuts herself away. She doesn't reply to her mother's calls. She makes excuses to be alone. She doesn't want to be part of the world right now.

Instead of Jane figuring out how she really felt about Maura, she spent the time moping and pouting and living in regrets.

And again, Jane slips away from work before anyone can stop her and curls up on her couch wishing for tomorrow to arrive because at least when she is working time goes faster.

Every tv show she changes to is a romantic film with people kissing. The sports channel reminds her of the time she took Maura to a game.

She is about to call it an early night when her phone buzzes.

She rubs her face with the back of her hand and looks at the clock. It's 8:15pm.

She picks up her phone and swipes open the new text message from a number she doesn't recognize.

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO DR MAURA ISLES.

Jane chokes and blinks. Reading the text twice. And once more to be sure. Her brain looking for any other reason than the obvious one. The thing she did. The bad thing. She cannot think of any and so her chest tightens like it is being crushed.

Someone knows.

Someone other than Frankie knows.

Her fingers shake badly as she types a reply.

'Who is this?'

Then she, still shaking, texts Maura's cell, 'Where are you?"

A moment later her phone buzzes alerting her to a new text message from the same unknown number.

Not from Maura.

FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTIONS OR I WILL HURT DR ISLES.

Jane, heart begging to pound, dials Maura's cell and it goes straight to voicemail.

"Shit" she swears loudly feeling the panic growing quickly.

'What do you want?' She texts to the unknown number, then grabs her vest pulling it over her shirt and then holsters her gun while she waits for a reply.

Nothing.

Two minutes pass and despite her training she has already paced around her lounge several times.

Pacing helps.

Who could it be that knew about the prank.

She dials Frankie.

He answers on the forth ring, "Rizzoli" He says into the phone.

"Where is Maura?" She works to carefully keep the panic out of her voice.

"Uhhh...not sure.."

"Frankie...did you tell anyone?"

"Did I tell anyone what?"

Jane lowers her voice even though no-one is around. "About...about Maura...the burner phone...any of it?"

"No. Jeez Jane...course not. I haven't said a word."

"What about Nina. Do you think she told anyone?"

"No Janie. She isn't like that."

Jane presses her fingertips between her eyebrows, pressing hard to ease the throb that has just appeared. She knows Nina isn't like that but she had to ask, because if it wasn't one of them then Maura really might be in danger.

"Why?"

"I've screwed up. It's all wrong and I...I don't know how to fix it."

"Jane?" Frankie queries trying to understand.

"I gotta go. I think Maura's in trouble because of me."

"Do you need me?"

"I'll call you. Keep your phone on."

She hangs up and checks her messages again. Nothing yet.

She calls BPD.

"Boston Police Department. How may I direct your call."

"Chief Medical Examiners office, Doctor Maura Isles please, and quickly."

"She isn't in her office. You will need to try her mobile. Do you need the number?"

"She isn't answering her mobile. Can you just put me through to the morgue?"

"She isn't in the building. Do you still want me to put you through."

Jane feels like her blood is starting to boil.

"Fine." She growls into the phone hating the receptionists politeness against her own anxiety.

The phone beeps as the call is transferred and rings, and rings, and rings.

Jane hangs up and taps her phone against her wrist, trying to figure out what to do.

Her phone buzzes and she again hopes it might be Maura.

YOU HAVE EXACTLY THIRTY MINUTES TO FIND HER.

Jane reads the text slowly Her brain is racing and her throat so dry she doesn't bother to swallow.

"Find her." Jane says out loud.

'Don't hurt her.' Is all Jane can think of as a reply.

Who who who. Where where where.

Jane grabs her keys and jacket. She pauses at the door. She pulls out her phone and dials Maura's cell again, just in case.

Nothing new, it clicks over to Maura's voice message again.

"Call me." Jane says after the beep.

She rushes out to her car letting the door slam behind her.

Where is Maura? Where?

It's the absolute longest drive to Maura's house. All she can do is think about all the places someone would take Maura, or Maura might be.

But home is the best start because that's the only place Maura should be and thirty minutes isn't long enough to go anywhere else anyway.

The thinks about calling Cavinaugh or Korsak or her Ma, but what would she tell them, she doesn't know anything yet, only that her prank has beyond backfired.

It was a foul-up. She had botched it. Car-crash...total mess.

If Maura was there she would laugh and call it a 'flub' like she had the last time Jane messed up. It was a phase in Maura's life where she attempted to use words of unknown origin that were not derived from Latin...the phase had not lasted.

But the word 'Flub' had made them both laugh...Flub didn't make her laugh right now.

But she had really flubbed up.

She turns into Maura's street and pulls up in Maura's driveway, the front door is wide open and Jane wonders if Maura was taken from here. She isn't quite sure if her just heart sped up or slowed down.

She checks but there are no strange cars on the street.

She runs inside, carefully, swinging her gun around.

"Maur." She calls out, "Maura?"

"In here" Maura calls back from the direction of the lounge, some panic in her voice.

Jane pokes her head through the wide opening and immediately sees Maura sitting in a chair in the middle of the room. A rope is wrapped around her torso.

Relief floods Jane in such a way that she sheds a tear.

Jane looks around the room but at first glance they are alone.

"Maura...are you okay?" Jane asks as she begins to move towards Maura.

"Stop Jane."

Jane freezes.

"Don't come any closer Jane. Just stay there. Stay back."

...to be continued...