Second Chances: Chapter 21

A/N: I just realized I messed up on the math of how long Tom and B'Elanna had been married before Voyager disappeared, and now I'm super annoyed. If they got married in June 2370, after she graduated from the Academy, and Voyager lost contact with Starfleet in February 2371, they were only married eight months. Not fourteen. I'll go back and fix the previous mentions, in this story and First Impressions, but in the meantime, I'm just going to stew in my annoyance. It doesn't change anything to the story, really, but I just wanted to share my annoyance.

On to the story.

Stardate 50193
February 2373
San Francisco, Earth

The private reception for partners and children of the Voyager crew was held at the Starfleet Conference Center, and B'Elanna Torres knew within three minutes of walking in that attending was a mistake. It was exactly the type of gathering she tried to avoid: too many people she didn't know, making small talk about topics she didn't care about, all while trying to keep Izzy from doing something Izzy shouldn't be doing. Which at nineteen months, was her specialty. At least Jason and Jens had gotten her to nap, which was a miracle in and of itself and might slightly reduce the risk of an all-out meltdown.

"B'Elanna!" She turned quickly at the sound of her name, her guard relaxing slightly when she saw Sarah Carey approach, her two sons, Sean and Patrick, following close behind. They were older than she remembered, obviously. Patrick, the younger boy, would be around five and looked exactly the way Sean, who now had to be around eight, had during those few months three years before. They still more strongly resembled their mother, but the red curls on their heads had come straight from their father. "I'm glad you could make it. And you must be Isela," she said smiling at Izzy, still resting on B'Elanna's hip.

"Hi," Izzy said cheerfully, displaying no signs of the stranger anxiety Nicki liked to warn about. B'Elanna was beginning to wonder if Izzy would just skip that stage entirely and was halfway convinced that Tom had done the same thing as a toddler. Unlike B'Elanna, who wasn't convinced she had ever grown out of that stage.

"Sean, Patrick, do you remember Lt. Torres from when we were staying on Mars?" Patrick looked uncertain, but Sean nodded.

"You were an ensign back then," he said. "Like my dad. But he got promoted."

B'Elanna smiled down at him. "I was," she confirmed. "And I also got promoted." He nodded at the obvious statement.

"Let me introduce you to some people," Sarah offered, heading off toward the nearest group to do just that. B'Elanna knew she had little choice but to follow.

An hour later, she was pretty sure she had met the significant others of all 153 crew members whose names had been read earlier that day, even though realistically she knew that she had only met 30 or so people. "Oh, there's Mark," Sarah said, brightening as she redirected B'Elanna toward a middle-aged man standing by the bar, talking to a man about the same age. Izzy had long ago been deposited with the other children; she was the youngest by far, but she was Tom's daughter—she never let a little thing like being smaller than others stop her from making new friends.

"Mark," Sarah greeted with a smile. He turned to them and matched her smile.

"Sarah," he said, greeting her with a hug. "It's been... several months, I think. How have you been?"

"Good days and bad," she replied. "I'd like to introduce you to B'Elanna Torres. Lt. Tom Paris' wife. B'Elanna, Mark Johnson. He was Captain Janeway's fiancé."

"The elusive wife of Lt. Paris," Johnson said with a smile. He extended his hand in greeting, which B'Elanna took. "I can use a refill from the bar. Does anyone need anything?"

"I'll take a cabernet sauvignon," B'Elanna said. She smiled, for the first time that evening not just out of politeness. It was her favorite wine, in part because every time she had it, she thought of Tom and the story about his bet with another cadet company commander her plebe summer. He had liked to joke that she owed her Starfleet career to his love of wine; she would reply that she deserved at least a little credit for being an unintentional wingman and securing his "date" for that last night of plebe summer.

She missed that man and their off-beat repartee. She was sure half of the people who heard them talk to each other were convinced they hated—or, at the very least, barely tolerated—each other, but it worked for them. She knew that his jokes were out of love, and hoped that he had known the same was true of her barbs.

Johnson returned with her wine and Sarah's beer. "My dog—well, Kathryn's dog—recently had another litter of puppies," he said, the non-sequitur making B'Elanna blink in confusion. "So if anyone is looking for a golden retriever puppy, please, please take one off my hands in about three weeks."

Sarah laughed. "We're still dealing with the fallout of what happened after the last time you found yourself with an unexpected litter of puppies!" she exclaimed. "You do know that there's an easy solution to this problem, right?"

"It's a long story," he said with a laugh of his own. "B'Elanna?"

She snorted in surprised laughter. "Sorry," she said when she composed herself. "But I live on Mars with a hyperactive toddler. That kind of environment would be way too hard on a puppy. And by that, I mean Izzy. Maybe in a few years." Or not. She had a hard enough time keeping one small dependent creature alive; she didn't need to add another.

After a few more minutes of pleasantries, a tall woman about Johnson's age approached and put her hand on his arm. "Oh, there you are," he said with a wide smile. He turned to the other women. "Ladies, this is Carla, one of my friends from work and my emotional support at these things. Carla, Sarah Carey and B'Elanna Paris."

"Torres," she corrected through a strained smile as she shook the woman's hand. There was only reason that someone would be bringing "emotional support" to one of these things, and it was the exact reason she hadn't wanted to come in the first place. "Excuse me," she said to the group, forcing another smile. "I need to check on my daughter."

She did check on Izzy, who greeted her with a hug and a kiss on the cheek before returning to whatever game it was that she was playing with some of the other kids. She was somehow missing a shoe, but that happened frequently enough that B'Elanna didn't waste any time or energy wondering how that happened or where the shoe might be.

The balcony was, thankfully, both quiet and heated. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to practice some of those calming methods that Dr. Bayrote tried teaching her to no avail. When those didn't seem to do anything, she took a drink of wine instead.

She knew this would happen. She hadn't wanted to come to this event, a gathering of close family of those on Voyager, because she didn't want to deal with this. With the spouses and partners who were moving on, were finding happiness with new partners.

She didn't know why that bothered her so much. Voyager was gone, her crew dead; she had never concerned herself with what other people did in their free time, and it really didn't make any sense to get upset about what other widows and widowers and former partners did in their free time or who they leaned on in their grief.

Tom was dead. She knew that on an intellectual level, but no matter how many times she had told herself that over the last two years, it still didn't seem like it could be possible. How could it be fair, that after all the pain she went through in her childhood, the universe would give her someone who made it all seem like it could be okay, only to take him away right at the beginning of their life together?

She tried to take another sip of wine, only to find her glass empty. She sighed, leaning against the railing. It had turned into a clear evening, the Presidio spread out in front of her. In the distance, she could make out the lights of the Academy. She thought back on other February nights in that city: preparing for her promotion and move back to Mars the year before. Re-learning how to walk four years before. Running laps alone around the track long after everyone else had left practice the year before that.

Tom proposing to her in his family's hangar three years ago.

She turned away from the city lights at the sound of the doors opening and saw Sarah Carey stepping out on the balcony to join her. "I was concerned when you left so abruptly," Sarah said.

"I just needed some air," B'Elanna replied. Sarah joined her at the railing.

"I don't spend much time in San Francisco," Sarah said lightly. "It's a beautiful city."

"Sometimes, I think I spend too much time here," B'Elanna said. Sarah smiled slightly.

"Mark held out hope that Voyager was still out there, somewhere, longer than most," Sarah said, as if that was what they were talking about. "All of us have our timelines of how long it took us to accept that it was gone and our loved ones with it. I think it was six months before the first time I thought the word 'dead' in connection to Joe." She paused for a long minute. "A ship disappearing is a horrible limbo to be in. It's easier when there's a body, easier to realize that your husband is never coming home, to go through the stages of grief, to know when it's time to allow yourself to 'move on.'" She paused again, her eyes still out on the darkened horizon. "I went on the first date after Joe died about a year ago. He was another teacher from school. We didn't go on another date, and I'm happy that we're still friends. I've been on a few other dates, but when you've had the love of your life, it's hard. I compare other men to him and find them wanting." She smiled sadly. "Joe was a mechanic assigned to McKinley Station when we met. I had already been teaching for a few years and was taking my students on a field trip to the Station. It wasn't one of those 'eyes meet across a crowded room' scenarios or anything. I just thought he was cute and when my students weren't looking, slipped him my comm frequencies." She smiled at the memory. "He commed as soon as he got off duty, four hours later, and we went out to dinner the next night. We had been dating for about four months before we started talking marriage, but he didn't want me to marry a man who didn't have a college education. That stubborn thought dragged on longer than it should have before he finally applied for the Academy." When she laughed, her eyes shown with tears. "I convinced him that it would be okay for me to marry a cadet, because he was on his way to having a college education, and besides, we had already been living together for a few years by then. We got married in the courtyard of campus on Beta Ursae Minor II as soon as his plebe summer was over, and those were some great years. They say it's not easy to be married to an engineer, but I wouldn't trade our marriage for anything. I guess I was just social enough for the both of us."

B'Elanna smiled slightly. "I know that feeling," she said softly. Sarah turned to her and gave an understanding smile and a laugh.

"Oh, I know," she said, her eyes still shining with unshed tears. "I miss being married," she confessed. "I miss having someone who knows you that well. I miss sharing hopes and dreams for the future, for our sons. I even miss the arguments about whose turn it is to wake up with the baby. What I loved most about being married was being so secure in the knowledge that I had someone for the rest of my life, that we would be there for each other and grow old together. I still want that, and it took me a long time to admit that I want that when I can't have it with Joe."

"I miss Tom," B'Elanna said after a long stretch of silence. "He made me a better person. I was seventeen and angry at the universe when I entered the gates of the Academy, and it showed. I was self-destructive and always right and Kahless help anyone who was in my path." She still thought about that angry teenager at times and wondered what other paths her life could have taken. "I don't know why I even applied for the Academy, much less decided to go. I had offers from better engineering schools, better track schools, but there I was. I think because it bothered my mother so much. Following rules and obeying orders were never things I was good at, but yet I found myself at a school where I would have to do both." She thought about the screaming matches, about the thrown punches. "I'm sure I was on a lot of administrator's short lists for cadets to kick out, but Tom taught me how to live within Starfleet's rules without getting consumed by them. If he hadn't been there…" She trailed off, sure how that story would have ended. "My parents never should have gotten married," she said abruptly. "I didn't know what a good marriage looked like. It wasn't something I thought about, and to be honest, I didn't think about being married to Tom until he asked. I didn't think about being married to anyone until he asked, and now that he's gone, I don't think about being married to anyone else. He was it for me. We had a good marriage and I love Izzy very much. I don't regret any part of our marriage except for how short it was. I just won't do it again."

Sarah smiled sadly. "You don't know that."

"No, Sarah," B'Elanna said, forcefully but not angrily. "I do."