CHAPTER 5 - A CONVERSATION: PART 1

"Good teams become great ones when the members trust each other enough to surrender the 'me' for the 'we'." - Phil Jackson

"Every woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change." - Shannon L. Alder

"I have found that it is necessary to let things go; simply because they are heavy" - Anonymous

A/N: In this chapter you will read about an event/day that both Dany and Jon refer as "the incident" or "that day" that happened about a month after Jon started to work for Dany. Don't feel confused. "The incident" will be a flashback chapter I'll post in the future. For now enjoy the suspense and try to guess what happend in the review section? It should be fun, I hope!

TWO MONTHS LATER:

After a couple of months of Jon and I working together, and especially since "the incident", as I liked to called it, had happened, we had gotten into a good groove. We got along great and Jon was an invaluable help so far. We had gotten into a comfortable routine when we weren't out working cases.

Since hiring Jon I had been spending a lot more time in the office. When I was working alone, I did try to work regular hours and go to the office from 9am to 5pm. But, that didn't usually happen. I worked a lot from home and kept the hours I wanted, it was a great advantage of being my own boss and one of the many reasons being a PI and opening my own agency had such an appeal to me.

However, when I hired Jon all changed. First, because I wanted to establish a routine for him and see if he could do a 9 to 5 job. Second, it was important for me to be there with him most of the time, since I was training him in the PI business. I had to be available and sort of take him under my wing. Lastly, the truth was I enjoyed his company immensely, and it was a lot more fun to stay at the office, even after hours, working side by side than by myself at home.

So, that's where I found myself at the moment. I was in my office at 7pm working away at balancing the books. One great advantage of being a lawyer and having had some experience with tax law, was that I did't have to outsource the firm's accounting. I just did it myself. And since my business wasn't big enough yet, it was not a big job, although I confess I didn't particularly enjoy doing it. Maybe one day when Jon and I had grown the business, I'd hire an accountant to do it for me.

I was sitting at my desk, working away at the computer. Jon was lounging, as was his custom lately, on the small sofa in my office, which faced me and my desk and stood against the wall behind the client chairs, with a pile of files around him and on the floor. This had become our routine since not long after "that" day. He was studying all my case files, one by one, methodically. He was taking the job more seriously than I had expected. It was convenient to have me around when he was doing that because he enjoyed asking questions about the cases, very detailed and sometimes very obvious questions. It had annoyed me in the beginning because I knew how brilliant Jon was and I thought he was just trying to kiss my ass or playing dumb to test me. However, it had dawned on me lately that he asked so much for two reasons: he really wanted to learn and understand the business; and he was trying to see how my mind worked and the rationale behind all my decision making. Fair enough and it had my approval, so here we were.

I was concentrating and not paying any attention to anything besides my work on the screen. Jon had been quiet for quite a while. Either he was reading something that interested him or he had dozed off. Or maybe he was trying not to disturb me, since I was doing an important task that he knew I didn't enjoy and that he couldn't help me with. No sooner had my mind wondered about his silent status, when I heard his voice.

"Daenerys, can I ask you something?"

He always did, that was the main reason we stayed late at the office, so he could study and ask me whatever he wanted while I worked on other things. But, he had never asked me permission to ask a question before and he sounded cautious and there was something weird about the tone of his voice. Tentative. The way he phrased it and his tone got my attention. This was new. However, me being me, I just couldn't resist teasing him.

"Sure, Jon. It's actually your job and the reason we have fallen into this routine. Fire away."

I said it archly and without taking my eyes off the screen. I was mostly done and just double checking some figures.

My response was met by silence. It stretched until I had to glance away from my laptop to look at him. He had put the files into neat piles on the floor and was sitting on the couch very formally facing me with a more serious expression on his face than his usual one. That was odd. My curiosity was piqued. I looked into his eyes and saw he was focused completely on me and dead serious. What the hell? I hesitated, trying to decide what to say, but he carried on.

''Actually, it's not a question about the job or anything in the files. It's a personal question. I've been wondering about it for some time, but I never found the right time or the courage to inquire."

Courage? Jon was deeply courageous. What type of question could he want to ask me, even a personal one, which would make him so cautions? I tensed briefly. I couldn't imagine what he wanted to know, how personal it was and why was the topic being so carefully handled, when he had a great sense of humor and we had such great banter together. I forced myself to relax and replied.

"Jon, you can ask me anything you want."

That earned me a joyful smile from him, but it was only there a moment and then gone. I continued, because I wasn't done at all. The smile had distracted me for a bit. Jon looked even more gorgeous when he truly smiled, but that was neither here, nor there. I had to stop noticing his good looks. I assumed I'd get accustomed to it sooner or later, with time and more interaction, so its effect would cease to affect me. They hadn't.

"That being said, it doesn't mean I'll answer it. You can certainly always ask whatever you want about me and the job and I won't lie, but if I don't feel like responding to a personal question, I'll just tell you so."

He nodded his head with agreement and understanding. Jon stared at me for a beat and then spoke.

"That's fair."

"So, what is the question?"

He seemed like he was stalling, but why I had no idea. His behavior was deeply weird and completely different from anything I had seen from him so far. What personal question about me could have this effect on him? He was a very no nonsense guy, blunt and as direct as they came, so why this sudden bizarre, almost shy demeanor?

It troubled me, especially since I had no clue about what he wanted to ask. I wasn't used to being blindsided, especially by Jon.

I kept staring directly at him and schooled my features intro a neutral and slightly curious expression. I kept my mouth shut.

He remained silent for longer than I thought he would and I could feel his tension. It wasn't overwhelming, but it was there.

Finally, after studying my expression for a couple of minutes, he spoke.

"Why did you quit practicing law? From the research I did on you before our first meeting you had incredible potential for a very promising career. You skipped a few years of school and college and were the youngest in your class when graduating Law School. You graduated Summa Cum Laude at the very top of your class. You had fantastic internships and amazing jobs after graduation. Also from what I know of you now, I know you could have had great success and be earning a lot of money, respect and immense status. I know those aren't important to you, or me, but we can't pretend it doesn't have its appeal, especially when we're younger. So, why did you abandon it? What was the deciding factor? You certainly don't owe me an explanation, but I've been wondering for a long time and finally decided it didn't hurt to ask. It's entirely your choice to answer it and if you decide not to, I promise to never ask again. I'll respect your privacy as you have respected mine, which I greatly appreciate, even if I haven't told you this before. And I know it's hypocritical of me to be asking you this when I made it clear my past life in the military is off limits."

He took a deep breath and his gaze bored into mine.

"The truth is I want to understand you better."

Well, I had never heard Jon being so verbose. He sounded nervous, apprehensive and uncomfortable. I had never seen him like that before. It was a new facet of him and it was deeply weird to see him behaving so, well, human and unsure. He was always in complete control of himself, with possibly the exception of the day of the "incident". He was unflappable, so seeing him like that was unsettling and strange, but also in a weird way delightful. I liked getting to know more of Jon and seeing him behave like a normal human being and not a in control deadly soldier or a sarcastic jovial guy. He was quite the contradiction. Complex didn't begin to describe him. This was VERY interesting.

I had a decision to make. I could cut him off and let him know that that was off limits, like he had done with me, which would be fair, but also petty. Or, I could be completely honest. So, as per my usual I decided to go with complete honesty. I hoped that would strengthen our bond and our professional and personal relationship. I would trust him and maybe one day he would trust me enough to tell me more about his past.

Someone had to start the ball rolling, and that would be me. If I refused to give him an answer now there would always be a distance between us, a Chinese Wall on personal matters. Plus, he would never again try to ask me relevant personal questions and would likely keep things superficial. I didn't want that. I like how we were developing our friendship above and beyond our working relationship.

So, after a deep breath I opened the huge can of worms inside my head and decided to pour everything out, into Jon's willing ears.

"So, do you want the short version or the long one?"

Jon pondered me for a few seconds. He was trying to gauge my reaction.

"I don't have anywhere else to be, nor do I want to be anywhere else. It's your choice, since it's your story."

"Okay. I tell you the long version where and when it matters. I have no desire to go through my college years or most of the jobs I had. I'm pretty sure your Intel covered everything relevant, as you so kindly proved with your speech. I'm guessing you're interested in what you couldn't find out or pieces that didn't quite fit and you want me to fill in the blanks. Am I correct in my assumptions?

My tone was acerbic.

Jon smiled slightly.

"As I have been finding out for the last two months, so far you've always been correct in your assumptions".

He sounded proud. I couldn't decide if I found it endearing or condescending. So, I ignored it. He was pissing me off. I couldn't say exactly why, but it was mostly pieces of things he had said. I guess the topic of conversation wasn't helping either. It had been a deep wound, it had healed, but it left a scar. Not so "visible" anymore, but still there. The truth was it would never completely fade.

"Since you did such a thorough job of investigating my life before we even met, you know I was an intern at the DA's office for about 6 months, right before I graduated."

Some of my irritation leaked into my voice. I knew Jon had researched me, he told me so the first time we met. However, I had no idea how deep he had dug. It annoyed me. I shouldn't have been surprised, especially not now that I knew him much better. Jon never did anything half- assed and he had worked in the intelligence department for our Government. Really, what had I expected? That he had just googled me?

I mentally rolled my eyes.

My tone affected him, because he started to flinch, but controlled himself in time. I waved my hand before he could apologize. I needed to get my story out, also I couldn't deny that I wouldn't have done the same thing if I were him. I was a PI for Christ sake. Finding everything out about someone and digging as deep as possible were second nature to me and I enjoyed it.

I nodded, mostly to myself, took another deep breath and started my tale.

"It was a fantastic opportunity. I had always envisioned myself working in Criminal Law, ideally as a Prosecutor. I was idealistic and a Professor who was like a mentor to me got me in the door. I was as happy as a clam. The work was hard, the cases were mostly interesting until the last one. Well, to be honest it was interesting, although I can think of a dozen words or more that are more appropriate."

A bitter laugh came out of my mouth, at first I didn't even realized it had been me that made that sound. It was jaded, resentful and deeply sarcastic. Like an evil witch's laugh from a movie. I didn't remember ever laughing like that. That laugh wasn't me at all.

I had to pause there. And old pain, not physical, but mental reared its ugly head. Physical pain, for me, had always been easy to get over. I was good with mental trauma too, but it required a lot more effort. I shot it down. I was over what had happened, glad even, in a way. It had put me on the path I was on now, the one that was right for me.

Jon looked startled and worried, he had felt the change in me and I was sure my laugh had freaked him out. He leaned forward in his chair and was almost standing before he suddenly and stiffly sat back down. For a crazy moment I had the feeling that he wanted to get up and hug me. I was losing it. The old memories were making me irrational. Jon and I didn't hug. Neither of us were sentimental types, plus we most certainly didn't have that type of relationship.

I had to put my big girl pants on. It had been my choice to tell Jon the story. No way in hell was I going to let old ghosts haunt me here and now.

I really thought I had gotten over the past, apparently not as much as I wanted to or should have. Also, I hadn't talked about it in years. Only Missandei knew and after a while we had reached a tacit agreement never to speak of it again. If I thought it would affect me this way, I would probably have told Jon to fuck off, although in nicer terms, of course.

In for a penny, in for a pound. But, most importantly I wasn't going to let this corpse from my past raise itself like a zombie and chase me. I was stronger than that. I would shoot it between the eyes, burn its body, bury its ashes deep in the woods and carry on. I had buried it once, although apparently not deep enough. I wouldn't make the same mistake again.

I resumed talking. Jon was completely focused on me, quiet as a church mouse. If didn't know better I'd have said he hadn't even blink.

"Anyway, as I was saying the last case I worked on was, to say the least, complicated. A young, filthy rich college guy was accused of raping a 14 year old prostitute and almost beating her to death."

His face floated to the front of my mind and I wanted to gag. Yup, I was resurrecting old ghosts. Her face floated up too. It made me want to cry. I never cried. I had to stop for a minute to compose myself and bury both memories back deep down where they belonged. My breathing had sped up a bit. I worked on emptying my mind and controlling it. When I came back to myself, I saw Jon move. And I mean move. One instant he was sitting down on the couch frozen and looking deeply concerned, the next he had gotten up and sat in the chair facing me and my desk. No man that size should be able to move that fast and that gracefully. It was like I blinked and suddenly he was there.

Before I could say anything or have any type of reaction his hand was covering the back of one of mine. I hadn't realized, but I had put both hands on my desk to steady myself. Damn it all to hell. I hated losing control, especially showing vulnerability or weakness to anyone. If people knew what affected you deeply, they could use it against you, to hurt you and for their own gain. I didn't think Jon would ever do that to me, but the truth was I only knew him for two months. Plus, he was like an onion and I hadn't even peeled his whole first layer yet.

I had more pressing concerns at the moment, though. The second Jon's hand had touched mine, my whole body reacted and came alive. I felt his touch run up from my hand to my arm, past my chest and up my neck until it reached my scalp. Then down my legs until it reached my toes. My whole body was tingling. It was deeply unsettling, especially because some part of me was really enjoying it and wanted him to hold me, fold me into his huge arms and chest and comfort me while telling me everything would be okay. What the ever loving fuck? Get a fucking grip now, Daenerys! Damn it all to hell, this part of my past was fucking up my mind years later, when I had thought it was safe to bring it up. I should have kept my stupid mouth shut.

My first instinct after those bizarre thoughts about Jon floated through my mind, and well, body, was to yank my hand away from his, which I almost did reflexively. However, as I looked up all I could see were Jon's eyes, the concern in them, the tenderness and the guilt. It touched me. He was trying to offer his support, to comfort me, to make me feel better. So, I left my had exactly where it was against my better judgement. But, when his thumb started to caress my hand, I couldn't take it anymore. My world was spinning for several reasons and that was one cause I could remedy. So, very carefully and slowly I removed my hand from under his. I had the impression he didn't want to let go, but in the end he did. I had to get myself back in control and also the situation. I was furiously pondering what to say, when Jon spoke.

"I'm so sorry, Daenerys. I'm so deeply sorry. I shouldn't have pried. It was not my place. But, you have to know I never meant to hurt you and make you relieve any bad memories. I had no idea. You should have told me to fuck off. You don't have to continue, let's forget this and never speak of it again. I don't need to know, especially not at the expense of your pain. It's not worth it, it'll never be worth it. I'm more sorry than any words can adequately express."

I laughed. It felt good. My world was getting back into its axis, finally.

Jon reeled back in shock, looking at me like I had suddenly turned red and grown horns like Hellboy.

I laughed harder.

"Jon, I appreciate the apology, the support, everything you said. However, I'm a grown woman and I make my own decisions. Yes, you asked a question, but I'm the one who chose to answer it. It wasn't on impulse, I considered it. Now, I'll admit I didn't expect to have such a bizarre reaction while telling you the story. Until today I hadn't spoken or really thought about it in years. I figured the issue had been dealt with and wouldn't affect me anymore. That was a miscalculation on my part, not yours. I'm responsible for my choices, so stop the martyr routine because it isn't needed or wanted. It's not your fault. Not one bit. Now, do you want to hear the rest of it, or have you had enough?"

Jon continued gazing at me like I had indeed turned into an alien creature.

"You can't be serious, Daenerys. You mean to tell me you want to continue this conversation? You've had a severe reaction to the topic, a physical one and I saw the pain in your eyes. Why do you want to torture yourself more?"

I smiled.

"It's more of a monologue than a conversation, really. And yes, I want to continue, unless you're the one who can't take it anymore. Is my pain bothering you? Good, it shows you're human and empathetic. And I don't want to torture myself at all, quite the opposite. I want to free myself of these ghosts. If I shut up now, I'm not facing them head on and putting them to rest. I'll have conjured them up for nothing and they will haunt me or try to. The only way to get rid of it, is to purge it. To say it crudely, to vomit it all out. And you'll sit there, take it, and listen until I'm freed. You'll bear witness to my pain, no matter what it makes you feel. After all you asked for this. You just didn't know the price. Everything has a price, Jon, you know that. You just weren't expecting this price tag. Well, tough luck. You opened the door, now let me walk through it. Can you do all that?"

I wasn't trying to be mean but I had meant every word. I had lost control of my emotions, had felt vulnerable and weak, two of the things I hated most in the world. So, I might have been a little more blunt than I should have. However, I also didn't want Jon feeling guilty and punishing himself. Nor did I want him treating me from here on out as a damsel in distress. It really wasn't his fault, it had been MY choice. Jon respected bluntness and strength, so I gave him both in my reply. That would put him back to rights, if not right this second, later when he would have time to ponder this conversation. I was helping us both.

Jon considered what I had said to him for a couple of minutes. I pondered his silence and facial expressions right back. Our eyes were locked. Mine issued a challenge: Will you listen? His, I had no idea. I wasn't at my best and he was doing his hardest to hide his true emotions from me. That was fine. I knew I would emerge the winner of this staring contest. The funny thing was, I hadn't even gotten to the worst part. Not even close. So far, this was almost a happy story, if you forgot the rape of a minor by a scumbag. But that was only the prologue. And quite a short one at that. There was so much more to come. More pain, more misery, more crime and even death. No, not a happy story at all. A tragedy.

A twisted side of me was dying to know how Jon would react to it all. Oh well, I'd soon find out.

A/N: I have the second part of this chapter written and is my favorite chapter so far. Should I post it today or tomorrow? You guys prefer daily updates or updates as I write them? I have a few chapters already written, but once I post them all I'll need some time to write more, so the updates will come slower. You choose and let me know in the comments!