Chapter 6: Breath
Tor Vizsla sat on the throne in Sundari Palace, the seat he had worked so hard to earn cheapened by the immediate surge of opposition he faced when he took the city. Though he declared himself Mand'alor, there were few that supported it, limited only to his fractured, broken Death Watch and a handful of clans too small and weak to bid for the title themselves. While the Civil War years earlier had put a definitive end to any real power the so-called True Mandalorians possessed, it had also ended with the vile, shameful pacifistic reign of the New Mandalorians, headed undisputably by Clan Kryze with the warlord Adonai at its head. He was not weak, but the New Mandalorian commitment to peace and rejecting the ways of the warrior made them unfit to rule, and war erupted again.
Death Watch had survived, fractured though it was, but they had been unable to get the public support to topple the traitorous New Mandalorians. Instead, the clans turned against each other, tension and fallout from the previous civil war tearing entire families apart over the matter of what direction Mandalore should be taken in, and the result was a bloody, bloody conflict, one that saw entire clans exterminating each other as their loyalties and beliefs were pitted against each other. The New Mandalorians, peaceful idiots that they were, found themselves advocating for peace and slaughtered for it. There were still many that supported the New Mandalorians, many of who were ready to fight and die for their peace, but even as the dominant faction in Mandalore, they were a minority when pitted against the hundreds of other clans all fighting for the right to call themselves Mand'alor.
The trouble, of course, was that while Tor currently sat on the throne, he was not recognized as Mandalore's ruler. With the death of Warlord Adonai Kryze and his family, the New Mandalorians foolishly selected their next leader, the obvious choice as a survivor of the nearly extinct Clan Kryze. Young Satine, now Duchess was recognized as Mandalore's leader, even by the clans that did not support her, and would remain so until she lay dead. Tor's course of action was an obvious one. Satine needed to die, and with the young Duchess' body on display for all of Mandalore to see, it would be difficult to deny his claim. The New Mandalorians would be gone, without the hope of another to take Satine's place, and Death Watch would be the last prominent faction left in the sector.
More than that, Tor kept an ace up his sleeve. Satine may have been a survivor of Clan Kryze, but she wasn't the only survivor. Dear Satine had a little sister, Bo-Katan, and her heart and soul lay with the Death Watch. What was more, the girl was particularly infatuated with another from Clan Vizsla, Pre, and with the last survivor of ruling Clan Kryze in his hands, it would be very difficult to mount a successful opposition to him. Mandalore would be his, and he would return them to their days of glory when the galaxy cowered at the sight of them.
But for now, he was pinned down in the palace that he had claimed, in a city that should be his, and was not. Day after day, he struggled to maintain hold of Sundari, and had eventually lost control of the city when Satine's allies launched a counter-offensive against him when they learned that the Duchess was alive and well and fighting, a rallying cry to the New Mandalorians that saw them gather the strength to push the Death Watch back, and now, they were trapped in the palace and under siege.
It was pathetic, but he was not giving up his seat. Not when he had lost so many to take it, and certainly not to hunt one girl. Satine Kryze was no threat to him, and he would not give her power she did not have by leaving Sundari to deal with her personally. The idea that he, Tor Vizsla, saw Satine Kryze as a threat was an insult. She would die, and he didn't need to waste his time with it.
Hie eyes drifted to the side of the throne room when Pre Vizsla walked in with young Bo-Katan Kryze on his heels, and despite his foul temper, Tor couldn't help but smirk. Bo-Katan was a true Mandalorian, a warrior, one that embraced everything it meant to be Mandalorian. At fourteen, the youngest Kryze wasn't the classic beauty that her sister was, but she was already a warrior, had already killed, had already seen battle, and had been made a woman by the older teen she now followed. It was not uncommon for their warriors to spread their legs for a man or bury themselves inside a woman before battle, since it may well be their last, and Bo-Katan was no exception, eagerly giving herself over to the older boy the moment she left Mandalore to join Death Watch against her sister.
Their families had known each other, and Bo-Katan's fascination with their warrior past led her quickly and easily into Pre's bed, the older boy already a warrior, already strong and tall and handsome, and the young Kryze admired the strength of the warrior above all else. It had been so easy for her to turn against her sister when she had a prospective new family to belong to, one that shared her ideals, one that saw the same future for Mandalore as she did. There was no strength to be had in Satine's reign. Death Watch was the only way.
When Pre stood beside the throne and Bo-Katan slid on to the arm of the mighty chair, her armored leg crossed over her knee, Tor's eyes returned to the Death Watch officer that stood before him, his helmet under his arm and his eyes cast at the ground in shame. He had returned from Zanbar that afternoon with news, though Tor had heard it before he had arrived. He wasn't happy.
"Tell me if I am understanding this correctly," Tor growled, his voice low and dangerous. "Three weeks ago, when I managed to take Sundari and that slippery bitch escaped, you shot Satine Kryze down on Zanbar. The base of all Death Watch operations in the entire sector." The soldier nodded. "And now, not only has the Duchess spent two weeks making fools of us, but now you tell me she has escaped?" His fingers dug into the arms of the throne. "How hard it is to kill one little girl?!"
"She isn't alone!" the soldier quickly defended. "She has Jedi with her!"
"Jedi!" Tor scoffed, and beside him, Bo-Katan sneered in disgust. "I don't care if she's alone, or of she's with an army, I want you to kill that little bitch!" Beside him on the arm of the throne, Bo-Katan shifted uncomfortably, and Tor lay a hand on the girl's leg as Pre leaned over and kissed her cheek.
"She's an enemy, Bo," Pre said, soft and menacing, and the young redhead nodded. Slowly. "Not just an enemy, but the enemy. She has to die."
"She has to be deposed," the girl snarled, batting away Pre's hand when he ran the thick strands of her hair through his fingers, and he laughed deeply at the girl's ferociousness.
"Is she not a traitor?" Tor asked the girl cooly, and Bo-Katan sputtered and looked away, a deep, bitter frown on her face.
"...yes."
"And so she deserves a traitor's death."
"...yes." Bo-Katan leaned back and closed her eyes, and Tor patted the girl's leg. She was not conflicted, but the girl had seen the deaths of her parents and her brother, and was reluctant to see more of her family's blood spilt. Family was important to all Mandalorians, but Satine had betrayed everything it meant to be a child of Mandalore, and it left young, loyal Bo-Katan in a difficult position. Satine was dar'manda, a Mandalorian that had lost their soul, the single worst thing that anyone could ever be, and she was better off dead. No, it was a mercy to kill the Duchess. And yet, she was still family. True, Bo-Katan hated Satine, but she also loved her, as any true Mandalorian would. Satine needed to be removed in a very, very permanent way, and Tor knew that in many ways, Bo-Katan was already preparing for Satine's death.
"Do we know where she's fled to?" Tor asked, and the soldier shook his head.
"I'm sorry. Whoever was piloting her ship was a madman. We couldn't get any kind of lock on them at all." Tor patted Bo-Katan's leg.
"Now, where would your dear sister rush off to, hmm?" he asked, and the teenager crossed her arms over her armored chest and glared at the solder that stood before them.
"We aren't close anymore, obviously," she snarled. "And we never traveled in the same circles." She paused, thoughtful for a moment. "Clans Cadera, Kelborn, Ordo and Itera all primarily support the New Mandalorians. Perhaps she fled to one of their strongholds. Satine never did well on a battlefield." She rolled her eyes. "She'll seek out a palace if she can."
"We don't have the forces for an assault that widespread," Pre said firmly, and Bo-Katan looked somewhat cowed. "We don't have the forces for anything if we want to keep hold of Mandalore."
"Death Watch is spread thin as it is, yes..." Tor growled in irritation. "We need time to grow our support and our numbers, which is unlikely to happen. We need the Duchess out of the way." He patted Bo-Katan's knee. "And what would you do in this situation, little Kryze?"
Bo-Katan shrugged. "Nothing."
"...nothing," Tor repeated hollowly.
"Nothing," she said again. "I'd let someone else do the work. Set a bounty on her head. If there's one thing we're good at, it's bounty hunting, and I think if you set the right price, even the warring clans will refocus their attention." Tor chuckled deeply as he leaned back in his throne.
"Keep this one, Pre, she is clever." He glared at the soldier. "Well? You heard the girl. Contact the bounty hunters. Five thousand for each of the Jedi she is guarded by. Ten thousand credits for the head of Duchess Satine, and I will double it if they can bring her to me alive. If possible, I want this city and all her supporters to see when I execute her."
Qui-Gon frowned as he climbed up the ladder from the ship's engine compartments and hold and up into the small corridor connecting the cockpit to the single room. He could hear giggling. And whispers, breathless and excited, and though he couldn't make out what they were saying, it wasn't exactly difficult to puzzle out who it could possibly be, since there were only two other people on the cruiser. Through the Force, he could feel his Padawan, so much less guarded than he had ever been, so content, so at ease and sure as feelings of respect and trust and affection pulsed through his mind.
This was beginning to be a problem.
It was good that they were getting along. It had been the purpose of them teaching each other, after all, since group integrity simply couldn't be maintained when two of the three desperately hated each other. Satine, fiery and cruel, and Obi-Wan, cold and aloof, had both nothing and everything in common, and their forced lessons together had led to respect. Then trust, a beautiful thing that sparked the confidence of not just his shattered Padawan, but of the grief-stricken Duchess as well. Respect became a budding friendship, and with that came the inevitable affection. Qui-Gon had meant to take Obi-Wan aside to remind him of his dedication to the Jedi Order and what that meant in regards to the opposite sex, and where such a road may lead based on his own affection and loss of dear, sweet Tahl, but in the four days since their escape from Zanbar, every time Qui-Gon went to talk privately with his student, Satine was with him.
It was innocent enough. They sat close together, always speaking quietly, and nearly always in Mando'a, which, of course, had been what Qui-Gon had instructed them to do. Satine was to teach his student her language, and Obi-Wan took to his studies the way he took to everything else. Obi-Wan Kenobi didn't do anything in halves, and he submerged himself in his studies, which meant that now that they weren't running for their lives, his every moment was spent with the Duchess.
Studying.
Qui-Gon knew better, of course. Maybe Obi-Wan could hide his feelings from his Master, and he did, but Satine could not, and the attraction between the two wasn't just obvious, it was palpable. It was also to be expected. They were both teenagers, for one, the Duchess older by less than a month, it turned out, and at sixteen, their blood was absolutely raging with hormones, even though both tried valiantly to rise above it. They were moderately successful, at least on a conscious level, but beneath their actions lay biological need and desire, something that no teenager could truly repress. And if that wasn't enough, their unique circumstances made a growing attraction an inevitability.
They were both terribly lonely people, at the heart of them, forced to live in very close proximity to each other in a stressful fight for their lives. There's was an existence based on honor and trust and emotions that ran hot with anger and frustration and fear, emotions deeply felt that so often let to something else.
It was a wonder that they hadn't already given themselves to the other in one of their secluded caves while the Master was away.
...they hadn't, right?
It was possible they had. The change in the two had been very fast, almost as if something had happened between them. Satine was beautiful, her every feature speaking of her high breeding, but she was still terribly thin, not yet having filled out into the woman she would grow to be, but her face had the promise of turning from beautiful to gorgeous. Obi-Wan wasn't so bad to look at either, especially when he was brimming with confidence and pride as he had been the past few days. Like Satine, he was still lanky and awkward, but the month on Zanbar had made his lean muscles incredibly defined, and while he was still thin, his body now showed shadows of strength he would come to possess when he filled out.
No doubt a welcome, pleasing sight for a teenage girl.
Qui-Gon's hand hesitated over the button to the cockpit when he heard the two teens alternating between soft giggling and grunts of strained effort. He grit his teeth as he steeled himself for what he would find. He didn't want to walk in on something intimate, as Dooku had done to his student all too many times, and Qui-Gon wondered if the first time his Master stood above him while he was sunk deep within a girl had been deliberate, or if he had been as awkward as Qui-Gon felt now. Obi-Wan was better than this. He had fought too hard to get where he was, suffered too much pain to be accepted within the Jedi, and there was no chance he would throw it all away. Still, they needed to talk.
When the door slid open, Qui-Gon stared at Obi-Wan and Satine, the teens sitting beside each other on the floor of the thin aisle between the pilot and copilot's seats, the side paneling of the command console open, exposing all the wires and mechanics underneath, the Duchess and the Padawan with their arms inside the machine up to their elbows as they pulled at something inside, their breath coming in small, strained grunts of effort. When Obi-Wan saw Qui-Gon behind them, he leaned back and innocently smiled up at him, laughing softly as Satine gave a sharp yank and fell backwards, a small cylinder in her tight grasp.
"Hello, Master," the Padawan said, his voice smooth and easy and even, broken for a moment by soft laughter when the Duchess held up the device and frowned.
"What is it?" she asked, holding it out to the Jedi, and Obi-Wan plucked it out of her hand.
"That, Duchess, is the locator beacon," Obi-Wan said softly, and he grinned when the girl's face paled considerably. "Don't worry, I disabled it when I stole the ship." Obi-Wan leaned back to smile up at his Master, and the grin dropped from his face when he found the man frowning, arms crossed over his chest. On Obi-Wan's suggestion, they had dropped out of hyperspace soon after they had made the jump when he had discovered that they ship was not only fully fueled, but well stocked with food and medical supplies. They had enough of everything to get them to most planets in the sector through real space, and he thought it a good idea to use the extra time that would take for rest, recovery, and investigating the likelihood of Clan Ordo being friendly toward Satine.
Three days later led them to now, drifting undetected through deep space and in perfect harmony, a vast difference from the month before when three days in space nearly led to Satine and Obi-Wan killing each other in their irritation and hunger. Now, there was only the possibility that they two teenagers were secretly sharing the single room and not taking advantage of the second bunk.
"What are you two up to?" Qui-Gon asked, his voice even, but Obi-Wan winced when he felt the chill run through their Force bond. His Master was not pleased with him, and he could feel the anxiety creep back into him, effectively silencing the naturally quiet boy. Satine didn't seem to notice.
"Obi-Wan's teaching me about flying!" Satine chirped happily. "I know a little, of course, but his knowledge is extensive. He's going to let me fly the ship after we put the console back together and shut off the autopilot!"
"Oh, is he?" Qui-Gon asked, his gaze drifting to his uncomfortably silent Padawan. "How generous of him. Obi-Wan is often reluctant to give up his seat."
"He thinks it's important that I can pilot a ship," she said firmly. "He says if..." Her voice cracked as she choked on her words, and she swallowed hard, the smile on her face wavering for a moment. "If something happens," she continued, slow and measured, "then I need to be able to fly away. I-in case."
Qui-Gon looked to his student, the Padawan sitting cross-legged, his back rigidly straight and his hands stiffly gripping his knees. The boy wouldn't look at him, Qui-Gon knew he couldn't. Perhaps things hadn't changed that much. Or perhaps he was guilty, but Qui-Gon couldn't tell because the little shit's mental walls were firmly in place, and the Master couldn't push past them. All he could here in the boy's mind was the Code, over and over, a chanted mantra and a constant reminder of who he was, and what he was meant to be. It was confusing for the boy, no doubt, and Qui-Gon could feel his displeasure give way to understanding. Teaching was harder than he expected, especially when his heart pulsed painfully in his chest as he looked at the two teenagers and only saw himself and Tahl, that wound still fresh and painful with the darkness that had so nearly consumed him.
They still needed to talk, though perhaps it would not be the lecture he had intended to give. After all, Obi-Wan's instruction of the Duchess seemed to be in line with the mission. Preparing her for a situation where Obi-Wan wouldn't be around was...logical, and it spoke well of the boy's foresight. Obi-Wan struggled with attachment, as all Padawans did, but he had never struggled with romantic entanglements, though he had plenty of chances to submit to those desires with his friend Luminara. She was his equal in many ways, both in calm, contemplative, quiet personality and in intelligence, something the devastatingly quick Obi-Wan struggled to find. If he would have feelings for any female, it would have been the lovely Mirialan.
He needed to trust his Padawan. These suspicions were unwarranted.
"We shall endeavor to make certain it never comes to that, Duchess," Qui-Gon said, his tone much softer than before, and Obi-Wan relaxed slightly and looked up at him, his lip caught between his teeth as his eyes searched his Master's face for the disapproval he felt before. "Still, it is a good thing to know. Good thinking, Padawan." Obi-Wan looked away from the other Jedi as a faint, modest smile tugged at the edge of his lips.
"Thank you, Master..." Satine looked at Obi-Wan, a small frown on her lips as she shifted her gaze between the Master and the student, trying to gauge and understand what has happened. Her free, open protector suddenly slammed shut at Qui-Gon's presence, and she wondered if, perhaps, they were somehow crossing a boundary. She never had gotten around to asking Qui-Gon if this was alright, so swept up in Obi-Wan's company had she been. It was just so easy to forget that something as simple as friendship was denied to the stoic Jedi, and she couldn't help but think she had misunderstood something about it. Surely the legendary Jedi Knights weren't so cruel, so callous to deny them such simple pleasures as that. Now was as good a time as any. She needed to find out exactly what rules she was going to break when she befriended Obi-Wan.
"Qui-Gon," Satine asked as she rose to her feet, and she stood before him as tall as she could manage and still had to tilt her head back to look up at his face. "I have a question about the Jedi."
"Is Obi-Wan-"
"No, he is!" she quickly interrupted, knowing exactly where the question was going and not wanting to get the student in trouble. "He's taught me a great deal about the Order, but I have a question that needs clarification." She planted her hands firmly on her hips. "It's about your rules of attachment." Both Jedi sucked in a sharp breath, and she could feel them both tense considerably. She expected Obi-Wan to react this way, as he always did when they breeched the uncomfortable subject, but she hadn't expected it from Qui-Gon. It must have been difficult, she realized, to stand so far apart from other life in the galaxy. Perhaps this was what made the Jedi as effective as they were.
"I don't believe there's much room for confusion on that," Qui-Gon said softly, his tone careful and measured. "Jedi are forbidden from attachments and possessions."
"All of them?" Satine asked defiantly, and the Master sighed and sat down in the copilot's seat.
"It is difficult to explain our philosophy to those outside the Order," Qui-Gon said after a moment. "But I will attempt to explain it like this. The Jedi believe that any and all attachment is at the root of all suffering. People suffer because of their refusal to let go of that which they are attached to. The loss of an object, a home, a person, all of the suffering that comes from such starts in the individual's inability to accept that it is gone. But the Jedi attach themselves to nothing, and are therefore free of this pain." He paused and looked at the ground. "Ideally, in any case. It's a struggle, even being taught such since infancy, and all Jedi must remain mindful of any attachments they do make and remind themselves that nothing is forever, and one day, the things they attach themselves to will be lost, and they must accept that it was never truly theirs to begin with."
"...it sounds so much crueler when you say it," Satine muttered, her shoulders drooping as she stared at the ground. Obi-Wan quietly busied himself with putting the console back together.
"The only way to become one with the Force is to free yourself from all that holds you," Qui-Gon explained. "No possessions, no friends, no lovers, and Jedi that find themselves defying this rule are in danger. Attachment leads to fear and suffering. The Dark Side, are they." A small, sad smile tugged at the edge of Qui-Gon's lips, and Satine could see real pain in those deep blue eyes, and she knew he was talking from personal experience. What had the Master lost? Did he perhaps have a friend that died? A lover? Had he treaded close to this Dark Side he spoke of, something that Obi-Wan feared so strongly that he refused to even speak of it? She suspected he must have. No wonder young Obi-Wan was so distant.
"But you can't be removed from everything!" she said, almost frantically as she suddenly felt like she was about to lose her friend. "You Jedi claim to protect peace and life, but why. If you are truly unattached, than the lives of the people in the galaxy mean nothing at all!" Qui-Gon smiled, small at first, but it slowly grew wider.
"You are correct, of course. One of the main principles of the Jedi Order is compassion, and that requires a sort of love and understanding and care for those we seek to protect. We are not without emotion, we are without attachment. A true Jedi must never possess anything they will fear losing. As we let go of our attachments, we gain perspective to see a bigger picture, which allows us to make logical decisions in our missions, and if we are free of attachment, we cannot be swayed in a direction that may conflict with the greater good."
"I...understand..." Satine said softly, her eyes drifting back to Obi-Wan as he silently put the console back together, his face blank and emotionless, but her days working close with him allowed her to see his own disappointment with the situation. After all, he had been growing close to her as well. "So...I'm forbidden from..." She indicated back at the Jedi. "From him."
"I've never followed our Code well, but yes, there is little more dangerous to a Jedi than a romantic relationship." The Duchess reddened significantly, not just with embarrassment, but with indignation, and she stomped her foot on the ground.
"Qui-Gon, I am fighting a war! Does it seem to you like I have time for a relationship?! That's a luxury I can't afford, not while my people are being slaughtered by their own idiocy! Even if I wanted a lover, which I don't, I wouldn't pick some stale, emotionless Jedi!" She stood up tall, her head raised proudly. "I'd choose Mandalorian, someone who knows true passion, someone who isn't a dead end."
The Master's eyes narrowed as he looked between the proud Duchess and his ferociously blushing Padawan. "I sense attraction between you two," he said softly, and Obi-Wan looked away as shame rushed through him, but Satine didn't even flinch.
"Of course there's attraction between us, have you seen your student?" the Duchess almost snapped. "You'd have to be blind and an idiot to not see how stupidly handsome he is! And I'm the first woman he's ever seen, of course he's going to like me!"
"H-hey!" Obi-Wan stuttered, slightly offended and irritated, but mostly amused. "You are not the first woman I've ever seen! And I'll have you know, Duchess, that you are the furthest thing from what I would choose as well!" He paused. "Because I wouldn't choose!"
"But you do find me attractive..." she drawled softly, sliding closer to the flushed and flustered boy. "Your Master even said you do..."
"Y-you're physical beauty cannot be denied," Obi-Wan stammered as the Duchess smiled broadly. "This is a objective fact, not a personal preference. Mathematics and the biology of attraction state that your proportions are within the exact parameters of ideal beauty." The grin dropped off Satine's face and was replaced with a bitter scowl.
"Leave it to Obi-Wan Kenobi to take the romance out of everything. Truly, you have the soul of a poet..." she said, rolling her eyes, and Qui-Gon laughed softly, shaking his head. Perhaps this was it. They openly recognized the physical attraction between them, they knew there was no future for them, so...maybe cooler heads prevailed with the possible tension out of the way. Perhaps they only sought friendship, and that was fine. That was more than fine, that was ideal. Discussion had brought these things to light and put them in their place, instead of allowing an undercurrent of sexual tension to build, and that was how mistakes happened. Maybe it would be alright. Maybe his fears were unfounded.
They were teenagers, after all. The hormonal mess made their true feelings difficult to place.
"So long as we understand that anything more than friendship is expressly forbidden, I see no trouble with you two building a friendship." He shrugged. "So long as you place the mission first."
"I believe a friendship will benefit our ability to see our mission through, Master," Obi-Wan said softly. "We cannot place her above the mission because she is the mission. An investment in her is a necessity, and you have said yourself that sometimes the rules get in the way of the mission." A slight, clever smile passed over Obi-Wan's lips when the Master's jaw went slack in disbelief. "That is what you meant by that, right? That a deep, compassionate commitment to Satine will allow us to put her first and foremost beyond what remaining impartial would allow."
"You are turning into a manipulative bastard, my Padawan." Kenobi bowed respectfully.
"I learned from the best, Master."
"Oh, Master Dooku is going to be thrilled about this..." Qui-Gon sighed. "Carry on, you two. Remember your commitments."
"We will," they said in unison, right before they dissolved into a fit of helpless laughter, and with a roll of his eyes, the Master left the cockpit. His suspicions were far from settled, but it at least seemed safe for now. He'd have to talk to Obi-Wan after the Duchess had gone to sleep. They needed to have a man to man talk.
"Do you think Qui-Gon is displeased with us?" Satine asked, maneuvering around the Jedi in the small space when he gestured to the pilot's seat, offering it to her, and she slid into it, her hands clutched tightly together, afraid to touch anything.
"Not displeased, no," Obi-Wan said, standing just behind the seated Duchess and reaching over to flick some things on the console. "He's just cautious. He's a student of the Living Force, and he believes in living in the moment, trusting his instincts and his feelings. It's...more impulsive than I like, and it can lead quickly to being swept away by the feelings of a moment. Which is exactly what he's cautioning me against. His philosophy lends itself to letting his guard down, and..." He trailed off, chewing the inside of his cheek as he thought. "...it's personal. It would be in bad form for me to share it."
"He fell in love, right?" Satine asked, her eyes lighting up with romantic idealism and excitement. "He let his guard down, and love snuck in." Obi-Wan said nothing, but the quick flick of his eyes away from her confirmed it. She frowned. "And it ended badly. It must have, or he wouldn't be so nervous about you."
"That...is the long and the short of it," Kenobi muttered, but said nothing to elaborate. Satine wasn't having it, and her turned in her seat, draping her arms over the back, the Jedi behind her so close she could smell the crisp, clean scent of his freshly washed robes.
"What is the Dark Side?" Obi-Wan's lips drew into a thin line, the indication that he wasn't going to be saying anything at all, and his eyes seemed to fill with fear which he quickly tried to repress. "Obi-Wan, I have to know," Satine said, reaching out and laying a hand on the boy's chest, and she could feel the lean muscles tense and harden under her touch. Physical contact was something the reserved boy shied away from. It was something Satine desperately needed. Again, they were at odds, but he didn't move away from her, as he usually did. "If this is something that you're in danger of because of me, if this is something that our friendship can lead you to, I have to know what it is so I can help you avoid it! You save me all the time. Let me help save you from this."
"There is nothing you can do, Satine, there is nothing!" Obi-Wan said, the anxiety and stress suddenly back in him. "I must defend myself against the Dark Side, there is nothing you or anyone can do to protect me." He sighed heavily, his gaze torn from her, and Satine felt as lost as Obi-Wan looked. "In any case, I couldn't tell you about the Dark Side, even if I wanted to. They warn us against it, but I've never felt it myself."
"But you've seen it!" the Duchess said, her hand resting on Obi-Wan's, and the Jedi unconsciously turned his palm over and closed his fingers around hers. "You must have, or you wouldn't be so frightened."
"The greatest fear lies in the unknown, Duchess." He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, and Satine could feel the pulse of his heart through his fingers begin to slow. "But yes, I have seen the Dark Side." His brow furrowed in thought. "It is...pain. And anguish and suffering. It draws from powerful negative emotions, like rage and hate and fear and aggression, and it can drive a person to do terrible, awful things."
"...you saw it in Qui-Gon?" Satine asked, and Obi-Wan carefully studied her, looking for any accusation or slight against his beloved Master, but he found nothing but curiosity and compassion. He slowly nodded.
"I watched despair take him. I saw him consumed by a pervasive need for revenge. I saw hatred and murder in his eyes as he approached an unarmed man." Obi-Wan smiled gently as he breathed a heavy sigh of relief, almost as if he were reliving that moment. "And I watched him let go. I saw him reach for darkness, and before he took hold of it, he turned away." His chest puffed with pride. "My Master is too strong to succumb to the Dark Side. There isn't a greater Jedi than him."
"...because of a woman he loved?" Obi-Wan bowed his head.
"Yes...it's why he's worried about me, I already attach too easily, as I have mentioned." He twirled his braid around his fingers, lightly tugging at it until Satine reached up and touched the long, braided strand, and for a moment, Obi-Wan tensed before he closed his eyes and let his hand drop away, sighing softly as the Duchess ran the braid through her fingers. "He has always said my adherence and commitment to the Code is greater than his ever was, so..."
"So, do you think you can become attached and lose someone without turning to the Dark Side?" Obi-Wan bit his lip as he considered the question, and Satine allowed the silence to pass between them, a thing she was once infuriated by, but now saw it was simply the introvert's way of carefully choosing his words before he spoke. It was the way he was careful and cautious about everything, and the more she got to know him, the more she appreciated this side of him. It balanced her out.
"I don't know..." he finally said. "No Jedi is alike, no circumstance the same. I've heard of Jedi who have loved and had families, some even married, and they did not fall to darkness. I've heard of others who fell for things far simpler than love. I'd like to think I'm one of those that can resist the Dark Side. I...believe I am a good Jedi..." He breathed deeply and reached past the chair, laying his hand on the control console. "I'm going to turn off the autopilot. Are you ready?"
With a swift nod, Satine gripped the yoke and the accelerator, and with a few quick swipes of his hand, Obi-Wan switched the autopilot off, and the ship pitched to the side, the Duchess cursing as she fumbled for the yoke that had escaped her grasp, and with a soft, low chuckle, Obi-Wan placed his hands on Satine's elbows, supporting her grip and gently guiding her hands on the ship's controls.
"I didn't think it would have a mind of its own!" she quickly said in her defense, a faint flush rising to her cheeks when Kenobi leaned closer. Embarrassment, she decided. A child could hold a ship steady.
"This cruiser has been modified, and it is not perfectly balanced," Obi-Wan quietly explained. "Trouble like this can occur for a variety of reasons. If the ship is struck, the balance can easily be offset." He pointed to a display on the control console. "This here is a quick scan diagnostic that will tell you if there is any trouble that may effect the ship's handling, and this," he said, pointing to a row of switches just beneath it, "is how you will compensate for it. These activate forward, rear, port and starboard thrusters to even out your controls."
"So which one will solve my problem now?" she asked, her tight grip pulling at the yoke, but Obi-Wan's supporting hands keeping the tension out of her shoulders.
"Counter the ship's current inclination," he quietly explained, and after a moment of observing the switches, Satine flipped one of them, and slowly, the yoke's sideways pressure eased. She looked back at him, a pleased look on her face, to see him smiling gently. "Very good, Duchess."
"Of course it was, Jedi." Obi-Wan frowned, biting his lip as he flushed slightly.
"Satine."
"Obi-Wan." Chuckling softly and shaking his head, the Jedi pointed to another display.
"That's your navicomputer. We're about a day's flight from Ordo. Follow the vector, and you'll lead us right to it, Captain." Slowly, as the Duchess began moving the yoke and pointing the ship in the desired direction, Obi-Wan removed his hands from her arms and settled into the copilot's seat beside her, leaning back and watching her face as she looked at him and pouted, her pursed lips growing into a pleased smile as she grew increasingly comfortable with the ship.
"If you weren't a Jedi," she asked when her shoulders relaxed and her grip on the yoke loosened, "would you have been a starship pilot?"
"I'm still not yet a Jedi," Obi-Wan said, pulling at his braid. "I'm still in training. I'd hate to projects thoughts of a future I don't want." Satine rolled her eyes and looked at him, unamused and clearly irritated by his answer, though it was exaggerated, more mock annoyance than the real thing. "But yes, I think I take well to the stars. I find I miss it when I haven't been in space for some time." Satine sighed wistfully.
"My little starship pilot," she said sweetly. "I bet it would be an exciting life."
"Perhaps, but a Jedi does not crave excitement or adventure." Satine scoffed and playfully hit the Jedi on the shoulder.
"You really are a dull lot, you know that?"
"I find a peaceful, quiet life preferable."
"You're right about you being the sort to resist the pull of the Dark Side, you're far too boring to be tempted." Obi-Wan grinned broadly.
"Well, one can always hope." Satine pursed her lips as she looked at her protector, a neutral smile on his face as he leaned back relaxed in his seat, and for reasons she could not understand, she felt her pulse begin to race. She looked down at the instrumentations before her, at the indicators that flashed, at the displays that showed the ship's workings, and she decided that it must have been the stress of doing something new, and the excitement of being taught by the Jedi. It had nothing to do with being in such close proximity to the charming, sweet, terribly handsome man. It couldn't.
Obi-Wan's Code dictated that he would never, ever feel love, and loyal, dedicated Obi-Wan put all others before himself. He may as well have been married to the Jedi, the cold, monastic Order sucking the passion right out of him. Even if he wanted someone, he would deny himself, she knew. The Order was alone in his heart, and so Obi-Wan was a dead end, a thing that could never be hers, no matter how far she reached for him. If she even wanted to reach for him. Which she didn't. But still, questions raced through her mind. He had told her once a Jedi shall not know anger or hatred or love, and she understood now the nature of their attachments, but...
"Have you ever been with a woman?" she blurted out before she could stop herself, and Obi-Wan looked at her, his blue eyes wide and confused for a moment before the color rose to his cheeks and he laughed nervously.
"O-of course, I'm with you now, aren't I?" he asked innocently, a clear dodge of the actual question, and Satine had half a mind to leave it at that. The question didn't just make him uncomfortable, she was embarrassed for having asked it. It was fortunate reasonable Obi-Wan had the sense to put a stop to the line of conversation before-
"That's not what I mean," she said, again without thinking, and she winced as soon as she said it when the Jedi flushed deeply, his hands clasped tightly in his lap. She sighed regretfully. It was too late to turn back now. She may as well know. "Mandalorians are unabashedly passionate," she explained, feeling the color rise to her own cheeks. "Not all of our...intimacy is done for love. A-and you said you had that friend-" Obi-Wan groaned loudly and ran his hands over his face.
"Quinlan..." he said tiredly. "As I said, Quinlan is exceptional in his depravity..." Obi-Wan held his hand to his forehead as he rubbed his temple, the deep flush spreading not just across his cheeks but down his neck and past what she could see beneath his robes, and Satine couldn't help but wonder if his entire pale body flushed like that when he got flustered.
"But it is tolerated."
"It is...tolerated," he carefully repeated, hissing out a slow, calming breath. "We are discouraged, since the Jedi are particularly susceptible to the feelings of others, and se-" He stopped, choking on the word, and he shut his eyes tightly. "Intercourse is an intimate, deeply emotional thing, in most circumstances. It lends itself to attachment, but no, the Jedi aren't forbidden from engaging in it. It's been known to happen, especially among those in the Order that understand it will never progress beyond the physical." He shrugged. "Most refrain, but the Masters have found it difficult to keep the teenagers separate. So long as they are discrete and mindful of their attachments, it's permitted."
"So..." Satine drawled, leaning in toward him with a sly smile on her face. "Have you-"
"N-no!" he quickly said, his voice tight and high with an almost frantic denial. He laughed nervously as he rubbed the back of his neck, the young Jedi burning a fierce red. "I can barely speak to a woman, let alone manage to go to bed with one." He looked away from the Duchess, his hand tightly pulling at his braid. "The act it too intimate for me. I cannot bring myself to...use someone just to relieve my own physical desires. It's...selfish," he growled. "I am a Jedi. I can rise above such desires. I have risen above such. I will not be ruled by something as base and undignified as lust."
"So...you feel nothing?" she asked, leaning in closer to the already uncomfortable boy, her hand on the yoke pulling toward him and tilting the ship sideways, and with a swift hiss, Satine righted the ship, frowning petulantly at the Jedi as he laughed at her.
"Of course I feel something, I'm not a droid," he quietly explained. "I understand the biological changes humans endure at this stage in life, I began studying it when I began undergoing the changes."
"Ever the scholar," Satine said with a soft smile, and the Jedi smiled, seeming more at ease than before.
"Proper discipline and meditation allowed me to get my urges under control," he quietly explained, and he grinned widely when Satine pouted.
"Lucky."
"And you?" he asked quietly, the red flush returning to his cheeks. "I find the question highly inappropriate and usually wouldn't ask, but..." Obi-Wan smiled slyly. "Well, you asked me first."
"Well," she began, holding her head high and regal in a show of superiority, "as you know, I am Mandalorian, and we are a people of passion and desire."
"But have you engaged in those desires?"
"I-I am the eldest daughter of Mandalore's ruling family," she said, the strength in her voice faltering somewhat. "Sundari Palace was always filled with boys of noble birth, and-"
"You're avoiding the question," Obi-Wan said firmly, and Satine bit her lip and looked down at the yoke in her hands.
"I was always something of the quiet one in my family," she said softly. "Though I doubt you'd believe such a thing." Obi-Wan shook his head.
"I believe you. I see it. If you were like your kinsmen, you'd never be able to change them, and Qui-Gon and I wouldn't be here." Her heart was pounding again, so loud she was certain the boy could hear it, and she quickly pushed her rising fondness for the compassionate Obi–Wan aside.
"When I showed aptitude in diplomacy and debate and naturally shied away from our violent past, my father sent me to study politics in Coruscant so I could lead our people down a new path," she said, her voice distant and sad as memories of her beloved mother and father rushed through her mind. "My duty always came first, and my father always said I should wait until I found someone worthy of me, and...I took it to heart." Satine took a deep breath. "No, I've never been with anyone." She laughed softly. "Not very Mandalorian."
"Very Mandalorian," Obi-Wan countered. "You follow your own path, and nobody can tell you otherwise. I can't think of anything more Mandalorian than that." She smiled gratefully at him.
"I...i-it was good to talk about this," she whispered. "My friends, they..." She trailed off, her voice choking for a moment before she drew in a shuddering breath. "They're all dead now, s-so I don't really have anyone I can-"
"I can," Obi-Wan said swiftly, instinctively reaching out and taking her hand in his, his heart aching with compassion for the girl he protected and all she had lost. It was far, far more than she ever showed, and she buried the pain as good as any Jedi. But still, she was hurting, and he could feel that she was. And even through all the pain and death this war had brought, all the loss she had personally suffered, Satine wanted no vengeance, no revenge. All she wanted was peace and a new way for her people so this would never happen again.
Obi-Wan felt a stirring deep in the pit of his stomach, one that ached with a need for closeness that Obi-Wan knew all too well, and tried so hard to repress. But this time, he didn't push it away. Satine was his mission, and she needed this. She needed him, a friend to share the pain she suffered, and Obi-Wan would do everything in his power to do that for her.
"I can be anything you need me to be," he whispered, squeezing her hand, and Satine looked at him, her eyes filled with gratitude and with tears she refused to let fall.
"...thank you," the Duchess whispered, her voice barely audible over the hum of the engines, and together, they sat in silence, heavy with the weight of the girl's losses, and Obi-Wan couldn't leave it at that. He could fix this. With a small, genuine smile, he leaned in toward the girl.
"Teach me Mando'a."
Surprise immediately filled the Duchess' face, and the smile on Obi-Wan's lips brightened as he felt the fear and the pain and the nearly hopeless depression of grief leave her. "Teach you?" she gasped, shaking her head in wonder at the Jedi. "You are nearly fluent!"
"Yes, nearly," he said gently. "My accent-"
"Is refined, aristocratic and beautiful," she emphasized. "You go trying to change that and I will never speak Mando'a to you again!"
"So you will teach me?" Obi-Wan asked, looking at the Duchess' face as she seemed to consider the idea. "There's so much more to being fluent than just knowing the words and the grammar," he quickly explained when she frowned with reluctance. "There's colloquialisms and turns of phrase, saying used in everyday speech I just don't understand. For example." He tugged softly on his braid when he felt her eyes on him, intense and examining. "Haryc b'aalyc. Tired and emotional, yes?" A tight smile spread across Satine's face as she tried to repress laughter. She understood. "How am I supposed to know that you're actually calling someone drunk when you say that? It's very confusing."
"Mando'a does have a lot of sayings..." she quietly confessed, and Obi-Wan leaned in toward her again.
"Teach me Mando'a." This time, Satine smiled brightly.
"Sa munit sa gar guuror, ner di'kut." As long as you like, my idiot.
Obi-Wan was jolted awake from his light sleep in the pilots seat when the cockpit door slid open and the comforting, familiar presence of his Master slinking into the seat beside him. Usually warm and inviting, albeit a bit stern, Qui-Gon now felt concerned, not worried, but wary and suspicious, as he always did when he suspected his Padawan was hiding something, which Obi-Wan often was. He knew what his Master was thinking, and had been deliberately avoiding the conversation, opting instead to spend his time with lovely Satine, which only served to make the Master's suspicions worse.
"You have been avoiding me, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said, stern but not unkind, and the Padawan sighed, his eyes remaining closed as he rested.
"I apologize, Master..." Obi-Wan said, genuinely repentant. "I was uncertain what you would think, a-and I know the subject is a painful one, so-"
"You attempted to keep me from pain by hiding from me?" Qui-Gon asked incredulously, and Obi-Wan's silence was answer enough. He leaned back in the seat and sighed heavily. "Oh, my Padawan, you have so much to learn," the Master groaned, and Obi-Wan winced, finally opening his eyes and glancing down at the control console.
"I am...truly sorry I fail to live up to your expectations, Master," Obi-Wan said softly, and Qui-Gon groaned loudly in mild frustration.
"Stop apologizing, Obi-Wan, you are an ideal student. Perhaps too ideal. You have yet to fail me, but I have been failing you." Obi-Wan looked at the Jedi, the Master's arms crossed over his chest and his noble features hard. "I cannot help you grow as a Jedi if you keep hiding behind those walls of yours. Your defenses are perfect, you don't need to practice in maintaining them by shielding yourself from me." Obi-Wan flushed with embarrassment and looked away.
"...w-what if you don't like what you see?" Obi-Wan whispered, his voice tense with the anxiety that so often ran through him, and Qui-Gon laid his hand upon the boy's shoulder.
"Then we will talk about it, I will give you my advice, and you will apply it as you see fit." Qui-Gon frowned. "I trust you enough to work diligently at any task you are given, but I can't give you the right advice if you aren't as open with me as you are with your Duchess..." the Master said pointedly, unable to keep a sly smirk off his face as the Padawan's heart began to race, his cheeks turning a vibrant red as if he had been found doing something expressly forbidden.
"M-master, I-"
"I don't want your explanations or your excuses, Obi-Wan, I want your honesty," Qui-Gon said, holding up his hand to silence the boy. "I'll cut to the chase. Did you have sex with Satine?"
"W-what?!" Obi-Wan gasped, his voice high and tight with the sudden rush of anxiety that filled him. "N-no, I would never!"
"Is that so..." Qui-Gon drawled, pushing against Obi-Wan's mind with the Force, and the Padawan immediately pushed back in his panic. "Obi-Wan..." the Master softly warned, and breathing deep to calm himself, the Padawan slowly let the Jedi in, his eyes shut tight and his body shaking as he felt Qui-Gon's comforting presence surround him. Slowly, he began to relax, giving himself over to the soothing voice that spoke deep in his mind. Opening himself up completely as the Master brushed away his fears, his anxiety, his guilt, all the troubles that had built up within him over the past month. On Zanbar, they had been unable to sit like this, to be Master and Padawan like they were meant to be, and the young Jedi had suffered for it.
"I'm sorry, my Padawan," Qui-Gon whispered as he withdrew from his student's troubled mind. "You're very young to be in war like this. You should be studying the Force, not fighting for survival."
"...I've killed so many," Obi-Wan whispered, his voice wavering with emotion and Qui-Gon gasped when he felt the boy's pain shoot through the Force. "Fifty six at the very least, dead by my hand, more if the starfighters I have shot down had more than one pilot." He shivered, his arms crossing against the sudden cold. "Satine didn't want her people to die. She wants peace, and we are here as soldiers."
"We are here as protectors," the Jedi said softly. "Never forget that, Obi-Wan. We aren't here to take life, but to protect her from her enemies, sometimes it is necessary."
"Satine says violence simply breeds more violence."
"She's right," Qui-Gon said quietly. "But if she were not surrounded by people that are willing to fight for her, and if she refuses to fight herself, what do you suppose would happen to her?"
"...she would die. They would kill her without a second thought."
"Darkness cannot chase darkness away, my Padawan, that is true, but someone must defend the light that will, lest it be smothered." He smiled gently at his student. "That is what the Jedi are for, and that is why we are here."
"She is...worth protecting," Obi-Wan sighed happily, and Qui-Gon keyed in on the sudden rush of warmth within the teen, his elevated pulse, the drooping of his shoulders as he relaxed with the memory of the Duchess.
"It seems you are finding peace from your troubles with her," Qui-Gon gently prodded, and the Padawan absently nodded. "You've grown close."
"She has suffered a great deal," Obi-Wan casually stated, and Qui-Gon's eyes narrowed, the suspicion sneaking within him again. "We are more alike than we previously believed."
"What is it that happened between you two?" the Master asked, observing very carefully as Obi-Wan flushed deeply, fidgeting nervously in his seat as he pressed his emotions down. "You fight constantly, you have openly professed to hating each other, your differences are insurmountable, you beg to be allowed to go scouting so you may get away from her. And overnight..." He held up his hands and splayed his fingers. "It's gone. Sudden;ly, you are inseparable."
"The ship is very small, Master," Obi-Wan said, grinning as Qui-Gon glared at him.
"You are open in your attraction for her, but your feelings-"
"I feel nothing for her, Master," Obi-Wan said reflexively, but he winced as soon as he said it, both he and the Master knowing that was the furthest thing from the truth. "...she needs a friend," Obi-Wan whispered. "She has nobody but us. Her family is dead. The people she wants to save are all trying to kill her, it does her no good for me to be distant. I...wish to ease her suffering, Master."
"A noble sentiment," Qui-Gon said, but his eyes narrowed as he examined his student. "Is that it? Your friendship with her is charity? This is pity for your charge?"
"...no, Master," Obi-Wan whispered, looking down at the ground and his ears burning with shame. Somehow, the truth of the matter felt worse than what Qui-Gon described. "She...trusted me, Master. For no reason, she-"
"No reason?" Qui-Gon gasped. "Foolish boy, for a month, you have defended her from certain death!"
"A situation she was in to begin with because of me!" Obi-Wan snapped. "My arrogance landed up on Zanbar, I-"
"Death Watch landed us on Zanbar," Qui-Gon said, calm and measured, turning his seat and pushing on the arm of the pilot's seat with his foot to turn the chair toward him, forcing his Padawan to face him. "Her faith in you inspired you to open up and become honest with her, is that it? She reached out to you, and you responded to her by letting her past your defenses." Obi-Wan started to counter the claim, but stopped quickly and averted his eyes.
"...yes."
"You see what this looks like, don't you?" Qui-Gon gently asked, laying his hand on the boy's shoulder. "There is a mutual attraction between you two, and now you are growing closer. Trust requires a deep connection, and you know how easily you become attached." The Master squeezed his student's shoulder. "You are kind and compassionate, Obi-Wan. These are good things, but be mindful of your attachments. You know where they lead."
"...is this how it happened with you and Master Tahl?" Obi-Wan asked, and immediately regretted it when Qui-Gon's eyes filled with sudden pain, the loss of his love still fresh in his mind, the woman only two months dead. "I-I'm sorry!" Kenobi fumbled, stuttering over his words when he felt the Master's own defenses shoot up, blocking him out of his mind as he privately managed the swell of emotions within him. "Master, I didn't mean to bring it up, I-"
"The situations are not dissimilar," the Master whispered, his voice and his eyes distant, as though he were not within himself. "We were friends, as you know. Far closer than we should have been. We didn't decide to fall in love, it just...happened." His eyes focused back on his student, a pained smile on his lips. "The dangers of attachment. Love can only lead to one outcome. There is a reason that rule is in place, Padawan, and I learned it the hard way."
"Master, I-"
"You've worked too hard to get where you are, Obi-Wan," the Master said, clasping the boy's hand in his own, and Obi-Wan felt that he was trembling. "Don't throw it away by not being mindful of the attachments you are making."
"I understand, Master," Obi-Wan said softly, his own hand beginning to tremble. He didn't want to lose the friendship he had made with Satine. He didn't want things to go back to the way they were before, which meant he was attached already. Satine was...beautiful. His equal in many things, his opposite in most. They were like fire and ice, like dawn and dusk, passion and logic. She was his intellectual equal, a thing he rarely found, a rare and beautiful beacon of peace in a world soaked in blood. She was his mission, which elevated her beyond what she would have normally been to him. He was attracted to her, yes, but he knew his duties, and she knew hers, and never once had Obi-Wan considered anything beyond friendship with fiery Satine.
"Do you really?" the Master asked, and Obi-Wan nodded.
"What can I do to ease your concern, Master?" Obi-Wan asked, calm settling over him as he pushed his own emotions away and focused on healing his Master.
"I cannot bear to lose you, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon softly growled. "Not in the way you almost lost me."
"And you won't," Obi-Wan said firmly. "I know where my commitments lie, Master. You're right. I've worked too hard to throw it all away for something like this." He smiled softly. "I will be mindful." It seemed to be enough, and the pain in the Master's eyes faded to be replaced with pride.
"That's my boy," he said, patting the Padawan on the shoulder. "I apologize for burdening you with this. I ought to know to trust you by now." Obi-Wan smiled softly.
"It's my fault. I understand how this looks, but be comforted, Master, I have nothing but the purest intentions with the Duchess."
"I believe you," The Master said as he rose from his seat. "Perhaps admitting your attraction now has allowed you to set boundaries that Tahl and I never had a chance to establish. The situation is different."
"Can I continue to pursue the friendship?" Obi-Wan tentatively asked, and Qui-Gon nodded slowly, as if weighing the wisdom of the decision.
"What does the Force tell you?"
"It draws me to her, Master," Obi-Wan said, soft but confident. "She needs us, and not just for protection, but for her growth into the ruler that will lead Mandalore to peace."
"...I agree," Qui-Gon said, a smirk on his lips. "But perhaps I shall not be leaving you two alone so often in the future. Our escape from Zanbar suggests that you have a talent for sneaking about. You may be better suited to the scouting work I have been doing." Obi-Wan inclined his head.
"I will submit to your wisdom, Master."
"I don't deserve a Padawan like you, you little shit," Qui-Gon said as he ruffled the Padawan's hair, the short cut having lengthened over their month in the wilderness making him appear even more boyish than he already did, which would no doubt irritate Obi-Wan when he discovered it. "Master Dooku is fiercely jealous that he wasn't so lucky as me."
"The Force works in mysterious ways," Obi-Wan said softly, a wry smile on his face, and all his previous anxiety gone. It was a rare thing to see Obi-Wan so relaxed. Perhaps the Duchess would do him some good as well.
"That it does, Padawan," Qui-Gon said as he turned to leave. "Make certain you get some rest. We don't know what we will encounter on Ordo, and I will need you at your best."
"Understood, Master." Flashing his student a quick, grateful smile, Qui-Gon left the cockpit, and Obi-Wan leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, and despite his best efforts, he couldn't keep beautiful Satine out of his thoughts.
Reflection.
This has all the makings of a serious problem. This is preferable to the constant bickering, and it will certainly make the mission a great deal easier. If Obi-Wan is attached and invested and close to the Duchess, no doubt he will give everything within him to protect her. Which is what the mission requires, of course. I didn't foresee this problem when I accepted the mission, but there are a unique set of problems inherent in a mission when the mission is literally a person. I hadn't realized how that has the potential to lend itself to attachment in a way that directly conflicts with the orders of our Code. We are to remain unattached so we may focus on the success of the mission, but our mission is a teenage girl, which means nothing must come before her. This is an emotional trap, and Obi-Wan is walking dangerously close to the edge of the pit.
It's no secret I never followed the Code well, which is why, I suppose, I was chosen for this mission, and Obi-Wan has been nothing if not dedicated to the Jedi. But he is still learning and growing, and what's more, he's far more sensitive than he lets on. And now, Satine has become a trusted presence to him, and he has begun to relax his guard, and that's where the trouble will start. I need to keep a very close eye on this. Too often, friendships left unguarded become something more, and that something is expressly forbidden to us. For good reason. I never thought I would so whole-heartedly agree with the Council so strongly on a matter, but in this, they are right. Attachment leads to love, to possession, to suffering, to...
I pledge myself to you, Qui-Gon.
I can hear her voice within me. All of the time, I see her face, and it still burns with the pain of her loss. Tahl, my beloved, what would you say if you could see me now? We had only just confessed our feelings, I know, but it feels like I have loved you forever, and it feels like such a waste of such a beautiful thing that I had denied it for so long. Our bond had grown beyond friendship and into love, and despite that our lives would be filled with separations, we still decided to pledge ourselves to each other. It was beautiful, and it was fleeting, and now you are gone.
You saw what happened. I know you saw what happened. My love for you, consumed by grief and guilt had been turned and corrupted into anger and rage and I took it willingly by the hand and allowed it to lead me straight into darkness, heedless of everything else, including the student I swore to teach and protect. My darkest hour, Tahl, and it came from love. I do not regret it, not for a moment, and a piece of me will always, always love you, dearest one. But I would have done things differently.
Obi-Wan did not deserve to see his Master consumed by darkness. He didn't deserve to follow me for four days on my quest for revenge against the criminal that tortured and killed you. He didn't deserve to see what my heart shattered and my beliefs in ruins, if only for a time. A Master is supposed to help his Padawan resist the lure of the Dark Side, but my poor student was forced to attempt to restrain me from being a danger to myself and to others. And all of you, my love.
Everything I am would have been gone if not for him. I would have become a murderer that day if I didn't hear your voice in my moment of need to pull me back from the edge. I owe him everything for his valiant efforts, and I owe you for...you know what I owe you for, Tahl. I know you wouldn't want me to suffer like this, but I can't help it. I'm in no danger of the Dark Side taking me, so don't worry about that. But Obi-Wan...
You must see the similarities, as I do. Like me, he was consumed by guilt, he blamed himself for the events that put Satine in danger on Zanbar, just as I had blamed myself for being unable to save you. It left him unbalanced, dangerously so, just as I was, and it culminated in panic attacks and an emotional breakdown. But it was his fault no more than your death was my doing. It just happened, and believing that there was anything we could have done, that we are somehow able to influence what happened is merely arrogance and self importance. Your death...was not my fault. It was a tragedy, one that perhaps could have been avoided, but I did everything I could.
I did, Tahl. Believe me, I did.
I thought Obi-Wan would understand the dangers of attachment because he saw first hand where they lead. Darkness and suffering and misery, and I was not strong enough to keep them away when you were lost to me. And now here he is, falling into the same trap. I can sense their attraction. I can feel the desire between them, even if they cannot. Perhaps this will lead to love, perhaps their duties will prevail and they will refrain, but the risk is there, and Obi-Wan is taking it. I have advised Obi-Wan against his attachments, but on reflection...that sneaky bastard has somehow managed ease my fears about his friendship, not swear off of it like I had intended.
What do I do, Tahl? What would you suggest if you were here? Is love worth it? Brief and fleeting as it is, is it worth it to feel such beauty knowing it will end? Everything ends, and it is always sad, such is the way of things. Do I spare my student this pain before it happens, or am I to trust him to trust in the Force to lead him where he must be? Or maybe I am over thinking this. Obi-Wan is wiser than his years, and wiser than me, certainly. Perhaps he can handle this. Perhaps he can maintain a friendship without it going further. Perhaps his duty will remain first in his heart. Perhaps...
Perhaps he will fall in love like his foolish Master. But perhaps he can handle it. Perhaps Obi-Wan can love so purely, he will never feel possession, will never put her before his duty, before her duty. But what do I do? Is it worth it? He is destined for great things within the Jedi, if I allow him to follow the whims of the moment and it leads him to darkness, I will have failed not just him, but the Jedi. He will better him, Tahl. You know. You saw it in him too.
What am I supposed to do?
I cannot allow this. I must remind him of his duty, make certain it stays first in his heart, make sure Satine understands where his commitment is, make sure she knows that a future with Obi-Wan simply isn't possible. It hurts me to do so, as it may hurt him, but I must. I can't allow him to fall to darkness, I can't allow him to make himself vulnerable to it. He saved me once, and now I will save him. If he needs it. Maybe he...
I can't do this. No more thoughts of love, not tonight. It's making me ache. I will sleep on the matter, and I will keep an eye on my student and the Duchess. Perhaps I will not be needed. I should trust my student. Obi-Wan alone knows the path the Force has set for him.
Tahl, my love, I miss you. I could use your help. Please. Tell me what's right.