Engelbert "Queenie" Quartz turned up the sound on the loudspeaker that generated music at the Bedrock Bathhouse. Terra Firma, the Tranny Siren's latest cover was out, and the Bedrock Bath Boys couldn't get enough of the hit "There's An Avalanche In His Pants"

Queenie knew Terra from back in the day, when they'd both flunked out of Brianna Brimstone's Beauty Academy. Terra, then Terrence, couldn't cut hair to save his life—he had, in the words of their instructor, "the coordination of an intoxicated stegosaurus." And Queenie had fucked up too many ladies coloration and dye jobs…but Terry had his singing voice and his gorgeous drag outfits to fall back on…while Queenie had wound up here, handing out towels to hygienic homo hussies!

Queenie Quartz looked over the counter of his little booth. Oh, there was that adorable, hunky Bamm-Bamm Rubble. Ig Neous, Queenie's "husband" of 23 years was a waiter in the catering company that was servicing Bamm-Bamm's wedding to that adorable little red-haired thing which was happening soon.

Iggy and Queenie had invited Bamm-Bamm over for some cactus juice a few nights previous, and BB had shown the elderly couple the bridal dress samples, and the one Miss Flintstone had decided on….the bridesmaids dresses were ugly, but wasn't that always the case?

"I wish I coulda brought Pebbles to meet you," Bamm-Bamm said wonderingly, "But you said it was probably a bad idea, right Queenie?" He'd paused, a blonde shock of hair falling over his beautiful eyes, which put Queenie in mind of Mother's favorite actor, Pewter Ustinov.

But in a way, Bamm-Bamm also looked like Pewter Lawford, the gentle lips. Pewter Lawford had married into the Kenrock political family…a man's man

Queenie licked his lips, thinking of BB's beauty-he also had bulging muscles like Arnold Stalagnegger, who ALSO married into…

Well, anyway, it had been heartbreaking for Iggy and Queenie to have to explain to the puzzled Bamm-Bamm that Pebbles might not really understand his uh, extraneous friendships.

And then Bamm-Bamm had dropped the bomb. He was resigning from the Bedrock Bathhouse. "Fooling around with fellows is a lotta fun, y'know, but it's really kid stuff. I want to be normal and Pebbly-poo and I want to start a family."

Queenie had sighed that night. What could he do? Queenie had known that he himself was a little "different" since he was beating his meat in the family outhouse over the black-and white photos in the Young Men's Underwear advertisements from the old Spears and Roebrick catalogue…we were so damn poor we had to use the pages for toilet paper, but oooh, those boys!

But sometimes, being different is harder to accept…when it ain't obvious. Queenie had had the shit kicked out of him and called "Faggot" by his father and five brothers (and a couple of his tougher sisters) before running off to Granulite Village, Bedrock's seamiest red-light district, to peddle his ass at the age of twelve…Queenie knew he was a fudge-packer, early…but BB had lettered in all the sports, and was a big, handsome hetero acting boy….

But Iggy had not been so diplomatic that evening "You want to be like the breeders." Iggy had said nastily, and Bamm-Bamm had blushed. But, Mary, it had to be said! Shit, Ig had divorced Kara Kunzite, heiress to the Stinkstone Perfumery, after she'd caught him on their honeymoon cruise banging the ship's purser.

"No guys, I'm done." Bamm-Bamm said firmly. "I quit being a Glory-Hole Gamer at the Hailstone Hacienda…my only dancing will be with my wife. And I might seriously go to Father Sedimentalio's, "Sodomite No More" ex-gay counseling if I have to"

"The good Padre sucked my schlong last week" Iggy had muttered before Queenie shushed him, and they'd bid goodbye to their hopeful Baptist Boy Wonder.

What a loss, Queenie had thought—last year the Hailstone Hacienda had raffled off an opportunity to shave Bamm-Bamm's body hair (from the chest up, but still…) and they'd made seven hundred rocks…enough to keep the Old Fairies Cave of Upper Bedrock open for another year. No one else looks after old pansies….

BB had reformed, or so he said…but…

But apparently Bamm-Bamm couldn't stay away…not from the Bathhouse, not even for seventy-two hours. Look at him! All the boys were coming out of the big pool as well as the smaller hot tubs and greeting him, and yes, BB was slowly taking off his leopard skin and adorable shell beanie and going to his familiar old locker.

Queenie couldn't hear what BB was saying—Molten Lava and the Volcanoes were doing one of their louder love songs on the CD player—(Moley was gay—the "National Encrusher" had reported that Lava had blown every member of the all-male Volcanoes, even the drummer, and Moley hadn't sued.) But the song was too damn loud, and Queenie turned it down.

Aww…Bamm-Bamm was good humouredly brushing off the advances of the acne-spotted chicken hawk Ezekiel Zinc. Queenie smiled. I'd rather marry a woman for 40 years than get corn-holed by Zeke, Zinc, that's for sure. But look how nice our Adonis, BB is being about it.

BB was very generous…he'd let Queenie do a rim-job on those gorgeous cheeks for a 50th birthday present! Iggy had been more horny than jealous, and had filmed the entire thing.

Now Bamm-Bamm and Zeke approached the booth. "Again, I'm sorry, Mr. Zinc. You were the best Scoutmaster I ever had, and you gave a mean massage, but we're just friends, and I have NOTHING but affection for you." Bamm-Bamm tapped Zeke's narrow chest. "I sure hope you understand. Queenie, can I have a towel?"

Bamm-Bamm had resigned the Club, it was in the files, but Queenie handed him a towel anyway.

"I've been more than a Scoutmaster—when I was director of the St. Pumice's Vacation Bible School, didn't I give you and your pals full scholarships? And what other Assistant Little League coach would give you boys ballroom dancing lessons—"

"I thought you weren't coming back, boyo." Queenie said, trying not to be spiteful.

"This is the last time." Bamm-Bamm said, quietly. "I'm feeling a little tense." He looked over at Zeke Zinc, who was sweating profusely. "But not that tense."

Queenie doubled over, laughing. How I'll miss this boy!

"But Bamm-Bamm—" Zeke pleaded, staring at the friendly giant's swelling crotch, "No one is just good friends in a bathhouse…can't we be friends with benefits?"

"The only benefit you need is some breath spray" Queenie said acidly, and turned up "My Sabre-toothed Cougar" by Molten Lava and the Volcanoes again.

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