Lotor allowed himself to sink into the plush leather sofa in the lounge. Ages had passed since he had truly allowed himself to relax, to forget his weariness.
Allura's words from the garden eased the task. The simple three letter phrase reverberated through his mind effectively chiselling themselves into his memory for centuries to come.
His heart picked up pace even with the recollection. The soon-to-be emperor gave her a warm look that hopefully conveyed his happiness. It swelled in his chest like a full, blooming warmth that spread throughout his entire body… all the way to the very tips of his fingers.
The princess smiled, seemingly satisfied, and joined him. Her body sent him reeling back into emotional idyll. She leaned deeply into his side, pulling her legs up so she could mesh against him properly on the sofa.
Happiness. It was a foreign notion to him. He could count on one hand how many times he had been truly happy. It was no coincidence that the majority of them had occurred in the last few months with Allura in his presence. Suddenly, unexpectedly, he wished Allura could read his thoughts.
He cautiously dropped a wall. The part of him that protected those thoughts was strangely quiet. "You make me feel…. Amazing, Allura."
She chuckled, careful to remind him of its playful nature by squeezing his bicep. "The feeling is mutual." She grinned and kissed his muscle to accentuate the words.
Perhaps the banter was infectious or perhaps it was simply easier to copy her methods. Lotor added his own rich laugh to the conversation. "Isn't it strange? I never thought you would make me feel nearly that way." He wrapped his arm around her petite shoulders, wanting her closer still.
She poked his ribs. "What did you expect?"
His face warmed. It was an unexpected question. "I…." Lotor ran his hand through his hair. "I suppose I expected to hate you," he blurted.
Allura snorted. "Well… There is that answer," she replied striving to contain her laughter and failing miserably.
His complexion burned all the way to the tips of his ears, turning them a deep shade of burgundy. He cleared his throat unsure of how to turn the conversation. "What did you expect?" He asked. The smallest inkling of fear raised its head in the back of his mind at what she would reply.
A mischievous light entered her eyes and it both daunted and enticed him, furthering the apprehension. "I thought you were pretty, so naturally I wanted to like you."
That was so much better of a response. He mentally slapped himself for not thinking of that one. "Ah, well thank you. You are quite beautiful yourself, princess."
The way his eyebrows arched made her smile again. The truth was liberating. A swelling sense of joy came over her again. The planet and even the soft breeze swaying through the sheer curtains eddied the sweetness of the night. All gloomy thoughts from earlier were wiped form her memory. It was a wonderful feeling and suddenly Allura could think of doing nothing but sitting here with the prince beside her.
She leaned into the crook of his neck and graced him with a soft kiss that sent chills cascading down his arms. He could sense the freedom within her. He wished he held the strength to speak the truth she had spoken earlier.
The prospect was far too terrifying, however. He drew his attention away from the thoughts, telling himself to be content with the place they were in at the moment.
The two of them sat together like that for a long time, as the stars wheeled far overhead, and the chill of a desert night grew in tandem with the flowing breeze. Despite the change of temperature, he and Allura remained warm, spooned together.
The moon had ridden behind a wall of high thin clouds when Lotor finally broke the silence with a proposition. "This will be a massive victory for the universe. Imagine the worlds we could reach. Science paired with the arcane: true alchemy."
Allura sighed into him. A nagging question came to her. She proceeded carefully, intent on not ruining the evening with her curiosity. "Lotor?"
"Mhm?" The prince did not budge, such was his comfort. It was a rare moment and Allura weighed the importance of her inquiry.
"Can I ask you a question?" She asked.
Finally, Lotor raised his head and met her eyes. There was a layer of wariness that seemed permanent, but otherwise she could comprehend his full attention. She spoke flatly, heading straight to the point, "What happened here?" The question affected instantly. She noticed the immediate change in his demeanour and again wondered if the knowledge was necessary. On impulse, she decided she shouldn't have brought up the topic. Allura quickly amended, "Did you do a lot of studying here? Biology?"
Lotor visibly relaxed despite the touchy subject. It was the first time he felt proud of his academic endeavours in a long while and having someone genuinely interested in the matter was tempting. He nodded. "Yes," he answered briefly.
Allura pursed her lips. "Naigus was your… mentor?" She guessed, fishing for the easy way out of her stupidity.
The nostalgia hit him hard. Lotor swallowed and a bizarre sense washed over him. The silence in his head was dangerous. He heard himself talking without the desire to do so. "You are correct. I was studying. Naigus was my tutor in all manner of biology. It interested me greatly and I held skill in the subject. For several decades I learned under him." He paused gathering strength. He couldn't believe he was saying this. What the hell was wrong with him?
Allura commented gently, "He is kind," she said fondly about the Galra. It was baffling to admit that about a former galran general.
Lotor continued, despite himself and her efforts to remain lighthearted. "If not completely over ambitious and possessed of the wrong reasons, I enjoyed my time here for many years. I savoured working with Naigus and, yes, I did see him as a mentor."
Lotor licked his lips. He had never spoken of his devotion to the professor before, but there was something about her aura that gave him courage. He knew why it gave him a brazen spirit. It felt so good to speak to someone who simply listened because they wanted to. Lotor dared to say he loved it. It continuously drew him into the confessions like a trap wire. And he kept falling deeper and deeper.
"What happened?" Allura continued, treading carefully.
She was so cautious. It tore his heart to lie. So, he did not. He would never lie to her. Lotor wondered if she could sense his heart rate increasing. There was no stopping this. "I caused a disaster. The incident," he clarified.
He knew she had already known this or at least strongly suspected it. Her eyes remained soft. She did not move, nor beckon him to continue. She only patiently waited for him to gather himself again.
Fear gripped his heart. Finally, the familiar warning chimed. I cannot believe you are doing this.
Still, the words tumbled out. Years of the grief, guilt, and shame boiled over. Rage and self-loathing suddenly burst into the surface of his mind. When he continued, he regulated every syllable. "I recruited a group of six young Nahook scientists. They were untrained but eager for knowledge. I convinced them to go on the mission to the planet Rhind, claiming it would be excellent experience." Lotor looked down. He couldn't meet her eyes and it felt like betrayal. But was it betrayal to himself, Naigus, or Allura?
"The more experienced researchers were reluctant to go, knowing the experiment was delicate, too fragile to practice in the unstable environment that was common to Rhind. I lied. We embarked on the journey and began research on the vegetation. Everything was going well, and weather was looking good. We practiced for three months before the monsoon hit. The humidity soared. Our recruits were not prepared for the change. Our experiments went astray."
Why are you admitting this? Is this to gain trust? There is no need. Stop this. You cannot do this.
His pulse pounded and sweat erupted over his scalp. I can't stop now. The princess still sat quietly waiting out the storm churning within him.
Lotor longed to relieve the burden. He needed honesty. She had been honest with him earlier. Here he was, brought back once again as if fate were offering him some sort of redemption. He could have that could he not?
Redemption!? A harsh laugh echoed through the halls of his mind. You think you deserve that? How can one redeem something like you? This is only one small sentence in the story of your atrocities. It is folly. I shut up about your incessant need to make her yours. Do not think I will humour your worthless chase for forgiveness also. That is something you can never be rid of. You cannot change the past. Save her, if you will expend your energy on that single achievement, but you cannot shed the past. You don't need to admit anything to her, so stop it.
"Lotor?" Allura's small voice broke into the depressing thoughts. She was looking up at him with concern etched onto her beautiful face.
He could not bear it. Torn in two pieces, the stronger side of him wilfully gained victory for a moment.
"I am fine." Lotor cleared his throat before adding worriedly, almost in a different tone, "I am deeply distressed by my actions." It was a lie followed by the most genuine admission he had ever spoken aloud. His ears dropped and he lost control. The emotions overwhelmed him out of nowhere. Within seconds he was sliding down an unfamiliar slope. Exhaustion shattered the rhythm of his thoughts.
His defences broke in again, attempting to prevent the fall. Yet, his tongue found a way to continue betraying himself to her. "I ordered the orbital bombardment out of desperation. I regret it."
Fine. You are alone in this.
The hoarseness in that voice, or perhaps it was the chill fingers of the wind, something passed through him freezing Lotor to the bone. An outside force shook Lotor out of the trance that not even his defences could wring him out of. Sudden nausea overtook him.
Why in the hell was he admitting this? She could turn on him at any moment. Right now, she was gauging his character. She can see me, he thought with a shudder. It terrified him. The realisation finally kicked him into dark habit. Shadows felt welcoming but they were devoid of life. The silence was unbearable. But that is what you wanted wasn't it? You wanted to crush that side of you and now you are alone.
He prayed Allura was worth it.
Her words echoed hollow. He nodded lifelessly. "I am glad you regret it," she said quietly. She touched his hand and he looked up to meet her eyes. He thought he saw tears glistening.
Indeed, he prayed to all heaven that she was worth it.