Possess: EK and ZW

The morning after the double wedding dawned bright but cold. The sun snuck a ray into ErKang and ZiWei's bridal chamber and slipped through the crack in the bed curtains. EK awoke, as was his wont, to greet the sun. This morning, however, he did not climb out of bed to dress and prepare for his many responsibilities. Instead, he lay in bed and was keenly aware of the warm body snuggled next to his. He glanced down at the peaceful face of his wife. His wife. The word brought a smile to his face. After so many adventures, so many challenges, she was finally his. She was a gift the heavens gave him, a treasure to be cherished. He felt unworthy of her goodness, but knew that he would always protect her. He looked at the curl of her eyelashes and the slight shadow they cast on her cheeks, still pink from her bridal make-up, and was thankful again that when she opened her eyes, she would be able to see him. The days when she had been blind he had also felt lost in the world. He looked at the serene smile on her lips and felt a rush of need to always keep that smile on those lips. When he had first met her, she always seemed to be crying. He had never felt so helpless than at the sight of her tears. He, normally so rational and calm, felt undone every time something happened to her. When he had found her tortured figure on the floor of the Empress's hidden chamber, he felt his heart stop. For the first time in his life, but certainly not the last, he wanted to overthrow all the rules and just take her away to a place where she would be safe. When she opened her eyes and whispered that she knew he would come rescue her, all he felt was relief that she was alive. Only afterwards, when the Royal Physician declared that she would recover with rest and tonics, did he feel the full weight of trust she had placed in him. The feeling of responsibility wasn't new to him; he had grown up fully aware of the expectations placed upon him. But her faith trumped all other responsibilities. When he lost her trust during their first fight, he wanted more than anything to have that heaviness back in his life. Since meeting her, all his priorities shifted and she was at the top, a position from which she will never be toppled.

He wondered sometimes, what it was about her that made him lose control. He who was always so self-aware had been puzzled by the force of his feelings for her. Was it her beauty? Her innocence? Her faith in the goodness of others? Her gentle strength that enabled her to survive all odds? Or was it her intelligence? Her many talents? Her ability to solve all problems and puzzles big and small? Perhaps it was just the combination of it all, all the contradictions and paradoxes that made her who she was. She was a mystery that he suspected he will never fully solve. When he first met her, he was struck by her vulnerability and yet her iron will to be heard. He never told her that when she grabbed ahold of the hem of his clothing, she had also grabbed ahold of his heart. And so he fell. He did not know her story then but his intuition told him that something about this girl warranted further investigation. From her clothing and the ornaments in her hair, he could tell she was not a regular commoner. So, he made a split second decision to have her taken home instead of the prison. As he got to know her, he couldn't control his fall. Shockingly, he found he didn't want to. He felt whole when he was with her, though he hadn't been aware he was missing something until he acknowledged his own feelings for her. When she decided to leave despite all his efforts at persuasion, he lost all reason and blurted out that he wanted her to stay for him. Not until he was faced with the reality of losing her did he fully comprehend how much she had become integrated in his life. He wanted to possess her because losing her would mean losing a part of himself. He knew he had no right to ask her, to step over the bounds of her modesty and have her think of him that way. But his fear of losing her, even in those early days, overwhelmed all his logic. When she said yes, that she would stay, not for other reasons, but for him, he had felt happiness only trumped during the day of their wedding.

Sometimes he wondered why she didn't ask him to clarify his meaning. What he meant when he said to stay for him. She might have been as caught up as he was in the emotions of the moment, but certainly afterwards she might have asked. Did he want her to remain as his mistress? His concubine? Certainly she wouldn't have agreed, no matter what she felt for him. But she didn't ask and he didn't think to clarify. Perhaps she trusted that he would do right by her. But EK knew his intentions hadn't been all chaste. He wanted her with an overpowering mixture of love and lust, tinged with admiration and pride. He wasn't ignorant to the relations between men and women. Despite ZW's modesty and good breeding, he suspected she was well aware of them as well. At the very least, her mother had warned her against losing control. And though it would have been easy to keep her as a mistress, he couldn't do that to her. Not just because she was the Emperor's daughter, but because he respected her too much. He wanted her but he loved her as well. So, he clamped down on his desires and focused on understanding her and taking care of her. It was difficult, especially when they were fleeing for their lives. Certainly the trip was fraught with complicated situations, one after the other in quick succession. He was in awe many times of her ability to adapt to any situation. In the intervening calm days, however, he could just enjoy being with her. For those brief moments, he could almost pretend to be on a leisure trip with her. He felt so relieved that he could hold her hand or hug her without worrying about spies in the Palace reporting to the Empress or LFY. They could be alone together to explore the beauty of the countryside without danger of harmful gossip regarding ZW's reputation. But being close to her day in and day out also made him impatient. Sometimes he resented his mother's words to ZW, that the Fu family would hold a proper wedding feast when they returned; he didn't want to wait. At the wedding of HangXiang and MengDan, and later of Jin Suo and Liu Qin, he had felt keenly the desire to finally wed ZiWei, to start on their happy ending traditions be damned. But he also knew she deserved a proper wedding. She was, after all, a princess. He never believed for one moment the lies of her aunt and uncle. ZiWei was a GeGe no matter what the Emperor said in his fit of anger. Personally, he couldn't have cared less. But he knew how society would have ridiculed and looked down on ZW if they didn't have a proper ceremony. He couldn't allow such negativity to shatter her faith in the goodness of people. Though she never spoke of her childhood, he knew it wouldn't have been easy for her to be Xia Yuhe's daughter. Never mind that Xia Yuhe didn't have a choice. After all, one does not simply say no to the Emperor.

The idea that she was his and his alone was so cemented in his mind and heart that he never considered alternatives. When they found an abused ZW in the whorehouse after XYZ had lost her, he wanted to rip off her attackers' heads. He didn't, couldn't, allow himself to think that her innocence might have been compromised. When she clung to him and reassured him between sobs that she was still whole, still clean, he wanted to cry with her. He would have still taken care of her had her virtue been compromised, but he knew the guilt would have torn ZW apart. He knew she would have pushed him away, despite his insistence that he was still her Er Kang. She would rather die than bring shame to him. And if she died, he strongly suspected that he would have followed her to the grave.

When they returned to the Palace, he knew they were taking yet another gamble. Returning meant going back to all the rules. Coming back meant having the power to decide their own fate taken out of their hands again. For all that the Emperor had forgiven them and LFY seemed to accept them, they remained noticeably silent on the subject of the wedding. When LFY summoned him for a private audience, his heart sank. For all his reasoning, he couldn't make her see that he just wanted ZW, that ZW was enough, that LFY's plans would ruin everyone's happiness. When Qing-er arrived at the critical moment to salvage the situation, he felt a deep indebtedness. He couldn't marry her, not with ZW in his life, but he vowed to be her big brother and make sure she finds her own happy ending. When the Emperor came to Shu Fang Zhai to finally announce the date of the wedding, he felt such happiness that he would have turned cartwheels had decorum not demanded proper behavior.

Finally the long awaited for day arrived. After the scuffle of the switched brides, he finally had his ZW. Even as he held her in his arms, he couldn't quite believe that everything was real. As he felt her tremble in his arms, he knew he had to be gentle. He had no wish to harm her with the intensity of his feelings. She was water, smooth and malleable but unyielding, and he was fire, blazing and strong but vulnerable to quenching. Despite her obvious apprehension, however, ZW still looked at him with such love and trust that he drowned in the warmth of being with her and claiming her as his own.

As EK gazed at his bride, ZW shifted and opened her eyes. She saw the love and desire shining in her husband's gaze and blushed as she recalled the events of the previous night. Her husband. How strange and yet how right it was that he was her husband now. All the pains and trials they suffered led to that perfect moment of content and joy. She smiled at him, a genuine smile, and simply whispered his name. EK smiled back and couldn't resist giving her a good morning kiss. She blushed but snuggled closer.

EK wrapped his arm around her and broke their content silence: "ZW. Why me?"

ZW shifted so as to look at him: "What do you mean?"

EK repeated then elaborated: "Why me? If I hadn't asked you to stay for me, would you have really gone? If I hadn't said anything, would you still have fallen in love with me?"

ZW replied thoughtfully: "I don't know if I would have left. Honestly, I think I was hoping you would say something. You see, I had begun to love you before you said anything. You were always so kind and took such care to reassure me. I wanted to believe that you were just a good person, but I think I hoped that it was for another reason as well."

EK, however, persisted: "But why?"

ZW smiled and teased him: "Are you fishing for compliments?"

EK shook his head: "No, I'm not. I think I've always wondered if perhaps I expressed myself too bluntly and too forcefully and didn't really give you a choice. I fear that I had taken advantage of your kindness, of your unwillingness to bring anyone pain. "

ZW sighed: "I think I was overwhelmed in the beginning. Even had I wanted to, it would have been difficult to combat the amount of passion you had. I think you never do anything half-way and loving me was no exception. But EK, I never wanted to fight you in this matter. Even before you declared yourself, Jin Suo had commented that when you looked at me, your eyes shined with a peculiar light. My first reaction was shock; I didn't know what to do with the information. My brain told me that it was dangerous to think about what it meant, but somehow my heart couldn't stop hoping. You represented so much of what I wanted, safety, stability, protection, and, yes, love but I didn't know if I could attain those things. You are the perfect man of any girl's dreams, driven, strong, talented, intelligent, filial and just. But I didn't love you because of those attributes. I admired you for them, yes, but it was your doubt and vulnerability that drew me to you."

EK looked at her curiously, "What do you mean?"

ZW smiled: "You are the model son, the perfect subject, but I always sensed that you were searching for something more. When you expressed your internal struggles to reconcile the philosophies of your education with the less than rosy realities of life at court, I knew I was right. You search for justice, for an ideal. Outwardly, you are dutiful but inside, you wonder at the contradictions. You strive to meet everyone's expectations and it leaves little room for insecurities. I wanted to be the person in whom you confided but knew that my existence in your life would bring you more pressures. I did not wish to add to your burden, but like a moth drawn towards a flame, I was drawn to you. In meeting you, I fully understood how my mother could lose herself..."

EK breathed in the scent of her: "ZW, were you never worried about my intentions?"

ZW blinked: "Your intentions?"

EK nodded: "Did you never worry that I would take advantage of you?"

ZW shook her head: "No. I can't explain it but I never thought for a moment that you would harm me. My mother had warned me, not in so many words, but she had cautioned me. But I never worried with you. You're a good man, Er Kang. From the very beginning you treated me with respect. By rights, by saving my life, you could have claimed anything as reward. But you didn't. Instead, you worked to help me even more. My presence put yourself and your entire family in danger but you all still persisted on treating me like an honored guest. From the very beginning, I just knew. It wasn't only by chance that I crawled towards you that day in the streets. I think I somehow sensed that you would be important in my life."

EK turned her to face him: "ZW, thank you. I was so afraid of scaring you. You were like a wild deer and I didn't want to startle you. I worry so much about harming you with the intensity of my feelings. I still remember you asking me if I thought I was being a bit excessive. But I just can't control it."

ZW looked up at him earnestly: "I know. But you should also remember what I said then too, that I rather like your excess. I don't mind your possessiveness because I am just as possessive of you. I had been so upset over Qing-er not just because you had lied to me and because I felt threatened by her, but also because I couldn't bear the thought of losing you. Though I do not express myself with the same fervor you do, I hope you know that I love you with the same passion you love me. You tell me that I am yours; you should also know that you are mine."

EK drew her close and kissed her on her forehead. "Yes" he agreed, "yours." He showered her with kisses, whispering 'yours' between each one. ZW only had time to breathlessly whisper, "Mine," before he captured her lips in his and the couple was lost in their own world.