Musings

by snowberryrose

Stories and reflections that come to me as I watch and re-watch HZGG, including the newest version

15. Secrets: follow-up to Audacity

A follow-up to Audacity

Secrets: QingYan

QingYan was four when she saw the painting. She had always known that Uncle Benjy was a talented artist, but the details of the painting took her breath away. Even though it was a painting of people and horses in motion, each face was still startlingly clear in its details. There was her E Niang; she had always been told that she was very much like her E Niang. It was the chief reason that most in the palace called her Little ZiWei Ge Ge. And there was her Ah Ma, looking ever so steadfast. There was Uncle Benjy, the white of his shirt and brown of his vest such a contrast to the colorful garments of his companions. There was Uncle Er Tai, who she had never met but whose face bore close enough resemblance to her Ah Ma's that she could still recognize him. There was Uncle Yongqi, whose name was spoken always in a whisper. And then, there, Huan Zhu Ge Ge and Qing Ge Ge, the ladies for whom she had been named. How widely they smiled, how free they seemed. She knew the story, of course. Even she knew that the year of her birth had been marked by a great tragedy.

"Xiao Yan Zi," she heard Uncle Benjy's footsteps, but she was too caught up in staring at the painting to mind him. Only Uncle Benjy ever called her Xiao Yan Zi, mostly because she had mispronounced his name the first time she said it. She was too young to have noticed the look her parents had exchanged, or the tears that threatened to overwhelm Benjamin. She could not have known that her innocent blunder had sounded exactly like the nickname that another princess had once bestowed onto her uncle. Still, from that day on, she was always Xiao Yan Zi to him.

"Xiao Yan Zi," she heard him say again, but she knew this time that he wasn't referring to her but to the lady in the painting.

His voice was so very wistful.

"Uncle Benjy?" She tugged on his hand and he smiled down at her. Good, she didn't like it when her family was sad, "Do you think you can teach me to paint too?"

Her uncle laughed at her, "Little one. You are determined to surpass even your mother in the four talents (琴棋書畫 aka the four arts: guqin, weiqi, calligraphy, and painting)."

"Please?"

His gaze softened, "You know I can't refuse you."

Her E Niang had come into the room then, "Oh Benjamin, you do spoil the child."

He only laughed.

QingYan was six when she almost died. In her feverish state, she wasn't aware of how worried the rest of her family was, of how they hovered around her. She wasn't aware of how hard her mother had clung to her father's hand, how hard her brothers prayed for her, how wild her uncle Benjamin had looked when he dragged Chang Tai Yi to Xue Shi Fu to save her. She did know, however, that it was the sound of her uncle's violin, intertwined with the ever soothing sound of her mother's guqin that led her back home. When she opened her eyes and saw all the people crowded around her bed, the first thing she thought to say was, "Uncle Benjy? Will you teach me to play?"

Safe in the loving presence of her family, she wasn't aware of the investigation that followed. Of her grandfather's fury, of Huang Hou Niang Niang and Rong Mo Mo's punishments for daring to poison an innocent child, or of the fact that even her mother, her ever forgiving mother, did not speak up in defense of the two.

QingYan was ten when she accompanied her parents on a journey south. More accurately, she traveled with them as they kept her grandfather company. She knew she was probably too young to be included, but ever since her illness, her mother had kept her close. She truly didn't mind, not really, because she saw many beautiful sights that she recorded faithfully in the sketchbook that her Uncle Benjamin had given her. He hadn't come on the trip because his teacher, the man who had become his second father, was ill.

During that trip, the emperor had a monument raised to her grandmother and posthumously gave Xia Yu He a title. QingYan was old enough to understand the significance of such an act. She was also observant enough to notice the look that passed between her parents when they helped the emperor get rid of a corrupt official in HangZhou. Somewhere in the long list of victims had been a case from decades ago, of a family by the name of Xiao.

QingYan was thirteen when she saw the drawing of a swallow bird on one of papers her E Niang was reading.

"E Niang? Is that for me?"

Her E Niang had glanced up, startled, "Oh, no dear. Just a note from your Aunt Liu Hong. You know she and your Uncle Gao Ming goes off on random adventures when the mood strikes them. Seems that they're off to Da Li this time."

"So far away," QingYan murmured.

Her E Niang folded the note and tucked it away carefully, "I suppose. Though your Aunt JinSuo is grateful that they're taking the boys with them this time."

QingYan smiled. Yes, the Gao brothers were known for being troublemakers.

"Now then, your brothers mentioned that you had completed the painting for your Ah Ma's birthday present?"

QingYan grinned and led her mother to examine it.

"Do you think Ah Ma will like it?"

ZiWei could only smile at the project on which her daughter had been working. In the foreground, her eldest, WuQi, was striking a martial arts pose as he sparred with his father. Nearby, her youngest, WenQi, sat at the stone table with his sister and mother, a pile of books scattered around them. In the background, Fu Da Ren and FuJin stood next to each other, smiles on their faces as they examined the happy scene.

"Did you leave that open space for a reason?"

QingYan nodded and recited the poem* she meant to inscribe.

ZiWei hugged her daughter, "Oh QingYan, I think your Ah Ma will like it very much!"

And indeed, when Er Kang read the poem, he laughed, "I had almost forgotten about this poem! I had made it in jest, but now that I think about it, it truly is appropriate!"

Fu Da Ren laughed with his son, "And of course our WuQi and WenQi are three years apart! Although, in the original poem, wasn't the order reversed?"

QingYan nodded, "I asked E Niang and she didn't think Ah Ma would mind."

"Mind?!" Er Kang exclaimed, "Of course I don't mind."

"JieJie," WenQi, though, complained, "I'm just as good at martial arts too!"

WuQi added, "And I'm just as good at literature and calligraphy!"

"And we all know it!" Fu Jin declared, "both of my grandsons are 文武双全! But I still have to say, it's our QingYan I'm most proud of."

QingYan beamed at the praise. How fortunate she was to belong to such a loving family.

Later that night, as the family gathered in their courtyard to release the sky lanterns that WuQi and WenQi had made, QingYan saw that her mother used the letter she had tucked away as kindling. She frowned at the sight. Why would E Niang burn a letter from Aunt Liu Hong?

A few days later, she was playing weiqi with her E Niang while her proud Ah Ma watched.

"QingYan, I think this is the first time someone besides your grandfather has given your mother such a difficult time!"

"But I lost."

ZiWei shook her head, "But only by half a piece! Your father is right, one of these days, you will be certain to win!"

Just then, a servant entered with a message from HuiBingLou. QingYan knew that Uncle LiuQing regularly sent message to her Ah Ma about activities in the city and so didn't think much of it. Still, she glanced over and noticed that her AhMa didn't open it right away but instead tucked it in his sleeve. Before it slipped out of sight, she noticed a familiar looking picture of a flute crossed with a sword. Where had she seen it before? Yes! A few months ago, when she had gone to fetch her Ah Ma for supper, she had seen another piece of paper with the same picture in a tray before it was engulfed by flames. How very odd.

QingYan was fifteen when Lao Fo Ye passed. She had been at her mother's side as they knelt with the rest of the ladies of the court in LFY's last moments and had been greatly surprised when LFY called out, "Qing-er! Where is my Qing-er?!"

Just as her Uncle Benjamin had always called her XYZ, so LFY had been the only one to call QingYan Qing-er.

At a nod from her mother, QingYan approached her great-grandmother. How frail she looked!

"Here, LFY, here I am."

LFY laid a weathered hand on hers, "My Qing-er…you died too young. But my Qing-er, I will see you soon again. My Qing-er, Qing-er…"

As QingYan looked helplessly at her E Niang, ZiWei also came to bedside. Quietly, she murmured, "LFY. Qing-er is happy. If she could be here, she would want you to go peacefully."

As though she had been waiting for those words, LFY's expression calmed. Her soft calls for Qing-er faded away as she slipped into her eternal sleep.

With all the proper rites that had to be done subsequently, QingYan didn't have much time to think on her mother's words. At least, not until she heard a soft conversation between her parents.

"ZiWei, do you think it was wise to…"

"ErKang…I made sure that no one could overhear. You didn't see her distress. The way she called Qing-er's name…"

ErKang sighed, "Perhaps you're right."

"ErKang, you know that Qing-er would want LFY to know. You must remember that the only time she had ever shown any hesitation was when LFY fell ill shortly after our marriage."

ErKang nodded.

"Qing-er will be glad to know that LFY did go peacefully."

How strange! QingYan thought to herself. What secrets were her parents keeping?

She found herself standing in front of her Uncle Benjamin's painting again. There were her parents, as obviously in love then as now. And there was Qing-Ge-Ge, her Ah Ma's other wife. Did he love her as much as he loves her E Niang? She knew the stories, of course she did. And it was because of the stories that the situation didn't make sense.

"Would you like to keep it?"

She turned towards her Uncle Benjamin, "You're really leaving?"

"Only to return my master's ashes. Despite all the years he spent in China, his heart never left his homeland. I will return, little one."

"I'm not so little anymore, Uncle Benjy."

He smiled at her, "You will always be little to me, little bird."

"Only because you're so tall."

Her uncle laughed. "Tell you what, keep my violin safe for me. It'll also be insurance that I'll return, alright?"

"Uncle Benjy? Did you ever teach Huan Zhu Ge Ge the violin?"

"Her? No, she would have never stayed still long enough."

QingYan saw the wistful way he gazed at HZGG's painted visage…"You loved her very much, didn't you?"

He turned to her in surprise.

"Don't forget whose daughter I am, Uncle Benjy. My parents…the affection they hold for each other, that you've captured so beautifully in this painting…it has never faded. Being their daughter, how can I not know to recognize the feelings that you hold for HZGG?"

"You really are your parents' daughter. You have your mother's sensitive nature, your father's insightful one, and both of their intelligence."

QingYan waited.

"Yes, I loved her, very, very much. But she could never be mine."

"Because she was a Ge Ge?"

"GeGe?" To her surprise, her uncle laughed. "More like a Wang Fei."

Wang Fei? QiangYan frowned.

"Now then, Xiao Yan Zi, do we have ourselves a deal? You'll keep my violin safe for me until I return?"

What could she do but nod?

QingYan was seventeen when she quite literally fell in love. He was her brother's best friend, son of General E Ming of the FuCha clan. He and WuQi both held the post of bodyguard for the emperor, just as her father and General E Ming had once done.

She had been in the gardens, practicing a new dance, when she involuntarily tripped. She was saved from falling by his sturdy grasp.

"Oh!" She exclaimed.

"QingYan Ge Ge."

"TianMing? You don't need to be so formal. Are you looking for WuQi?"

He nodded.

"I'm afraid he and Ah Ma are visiting with Uncle Er Tai."

"Ah."

"But WenQi is home if you need a sparring partner."

He shook his head, "No. I had wanted to speak with WuQi about the war in Dzungar Khanate."

"War? Yes, I heard Ah Ma mention it."

"Then you probably know that my Ah Ma is preparing to go there with extra troops."

She nodded.

"I'm thinking of joining him."

"What?"

"Being a bodyguard is good and well, but I can't help but feel useless while my father is off defending our country."

"But it's so dangerous."

She found that she couldn't meet his eyes. "Isn't it?"

"Yes. But QingYan, my father is a general. As his son, I cannot run away from danger."

"No, I suppose not."

He interrupted the brief silence between them, "enough of such serious talk. What dance were you practicing?"

"Rong Qing Wang Fei taught it to me."

"Rong Qing Wang Fei? Do you know, I think your mother and you are the only two who actually pays her any attention, particularly after Yu Fei Niang Niang passed."

"She is my aunt, you know. And I really admire her for her dedication to Yu Fei Niang Niang."

"You admire her?"

"Of course! She could have easily re-married after Rong Qing Wang's passing, but she stayed by Yu Fei Niang Niang's side all these years to serve as her source of comfort. I also pity her…no one should be alone like that."

TianMing shook his head, "WuQi's right. You are too much like your mother." He added to himself, "You really do need someone to protect you."

"Hmm?"

TianMing cleared his throat, "Only that you are of a curious disposition. I remember throughout our childhood that you always wanted to learn new things. You already knew guqin, weiqi, calligraphy, poetry but then you also learned painting and the violin. And now…I find you practicing dance!"

She smiled, "E Niang blames Ah Ma."

"Oh?"

"Where do you think WuQi and WenQi's restlessness comes from? They hide it well with all the martial arts, but it's much harder for me."

"Did you never want to learn?"

QingYan laughingly shook her head, "I think I'll leave that to Cousin Xi'er!"

TianMing laughed along with her, "Do you know, just the other day, I saw her and 15-Ah-Ge competing archery in Yu Hua Yuan (Imperial Gardens)? I think HuangShang is going to appoint their marriage any day now."

QingYan looked at him curiously, "I didn't think noticing such things was in your job description."

His smile faded as he looked at her seriously, "I'm afraid we're all approaching that age."

She could only stare back at him. Oh. She thought to herself. Oh.

Just then, WenQi found them.

"TianMing ge ge (older brother)! I heard the servants say that you were here! Spar with me!"

QingYan looked away from TianMing and laughed at her brother's enthusiasm. TianMing took one more glance at her happy expression before turning to meet his challenger.

True to his word, TianMing did go to join his father. QingYan didn't have a chance to speak with him before he went. But then, she thought to herself, what would she say?

She turned to her sketchbook, putting finishing touches on the picture of the last time she had seen him, in the last place she had seen him. And that was where her E Niang found her.

"QingYan?"

"Yes E Niang?"

ZiWei studied her daughter. Something was different…

"What are you drawing?"

QingYan flushed, "Oh, just WenQi and…and TianMing."

ZiWei studied the drawing and then her daughter. Yes. Something was definitely different.

"He won't be gone for too long."

QingYan looked at her mother in surprise.

ZiWei only chuckled, "Only, we mustn't tell your Ah Ma quite yet. He is not ready to let go of his only daughter."

"E Niang…I…"

ZiWei wrapped an arm around her daughter, "There now. You don't have to say anything. He's a fine young man. We've watched him grow up; he's a good match for you. Although, I might have to remind your Ah Ma that he actually does like TianMing when the time comes."

"E Niang…"

ZiWei only smiled.

At such an understanding look, QingYan dared to ask, "E Niang. How did you manage?"

"Manage?"

QingYan nodded, "When you and Qing-ge-ge both married Ah Ma."

"What did we have to manage?"

"Weren't you ever jealous?"

"Jealous?"

QingYan looked at her picture, and brushed a finger over TianMing's figure, "It's still early…maybe too early…but E Niang, the thought of having to watch him with someone else already scares me."

"Someone else? QingYan, what can you mean?"

QingYan shook her head, "I want what you and Ah Ma have...I think I always have. But…but I can't forget that once upon a time, Ah Ma had another wife too."

"Ah." ZiWei fell silent as she considered what to say.

QingYan waited patiently.

"Qing-er and I…LFY had not approved of me for various reasons. Thus, she wasn't going to approve of my marriage to your Ah Ma. Qing-er…she was our dearest friend. Years before you Ah Ma met me, there had been intent on the part of the elders to match him with Qing-er. Your Ah Ma and I had quite the fight over it."

"You and Ah Ma fought?" QingYan asked in disbelief.

ZiWei laughed, "Of course! As your Ah Ma said, there are times when even teeth accidentally bite the tongue. I hope you remember that too. But we reconciled of course…your Ah Ma has quite the way with words. And Qing-er…Qing-er decided that she wanted to help. And so, she made it so that I could marry your father."

QingYan thought about what her mother said and what she knew about life in the Palace.

"So, she requested that both of you marry Ah Ma?"

ZiWei nodded. "She is a true friend, a heroine in some ways. She never minded that she was your Ah Ma's wife in name only."

"In name only?"

"She let us have our happiness. Indeed, I think our happiness truly brought her happiness."

"Oh."

ZiWei hugged her daughter close, "As your mother, of course I hope you can have what your Ah Ma and I have."

"And what about Huan Zhu Ge Ge?"

"Xiao Yan Zi?"

"I know Uncle Benjamin loved her very much. He admitted it to me."

"Did he?" ZiWei shook her head. Of course her daughter could see it. "Yes. Yes he did. And he wasn't the only one."

"Not the only one?"

ZiWei smiled, "Xiao Yan Zi was a breadth of fresh air. Everywhere she went, she spread such good cheer. She had such a strong sense of justice, tried to right all the wrongs we encountered. She was also such a trouble magnet…but usually of the most entertaining sort. Of course your Uncle Benjamin wasn't the only one. But there now, we've gone off topic. QingYan, my dear daughter, I don't think you have much to worry. I've seen the way TianMing looks at you over the years. Even if you don't see it with your eyes, surely you can see with your heart that he will do right by you?"

"I…"

"And just think of what WuQi and even WenQi, not to mention your Ah Ma and Uncle Er Tai, will do if he does hurt you."

As she had intended, QingYan laughed.

QingYan's conversation with her E Niang caused her to look at the painting in a new light. How thankful she was for Qing-ge-ge. How proud she was to have been named for her. And HZGG…she looked at the painting again. What was it that E Niang had said? Her Uncle Benjamin hadn't been the only one to love her…There! Uncle Benjamin was on one side, but her Uncle Yongqi was on the other side. She thought of the rumors that she had inadvertently heard. That to this day, Rong Qing Wang Fei remained a maid. How could she have not noticed it before? The way that Uncle Yonqi looked at HZGG…it was the same way her Ah Ma looked at her E Niang. She had always thought that the painting was one of joy. But oh, how much sorrow, how many secrets, did it hide!

QingYan was almost eighteen when her Uncle Benjamin returned. She had been playing the violin he had left her when she suddenly heard an accompanying violin. Laughing, she finished the song with him before rushing to give him a hug.

"Uncle Benjy!"

He laughed, "Hmm…little bird, you have grown!"

"Does E Niang know? And Ah Ma?"

Her uncle nodded, "But they knew I wanted to give you a surprise."

"A wonderful surprise!"

"Here, I've brought you a violin of your own too."

They exchanged instruments.

"So your E Niang taught you our song."

"Our song?"

Her Uncle nodded, "The painting you love so much. We all wrote the lyrics together."

QingYan smiled even wider, "Oh how wonderful!"

"Although, aren't you too young to understand the lyrics?"

"I'm just about the age that E Niang was."

"Are you now? I have been gone too long."

"No worries, I've kept a sketchbook, come see!"

QingYan was nineteen when the emperor received word about General E Ming's great victory. His son had been injured but had acquitted himself so well that at the tender age of twenty, he was already hailed unofficially as the Young Marshall. Indeed, he was already on his return back to the capital with a small group of soldiers to present a more detailed report to the Emperor.

QingYan waited. But he didn't come to XueShiFu. She heard, through WuQi, that TianMing had given up his military appointments and returned to being her grandfather's bodyguard. Her brother couldn't understand how his friend could give up what was sure to be a path to glory. Still, he was glad that his friend was back.

"But he's different," he told QingYan, "he doesn't smile anymore."

She heard later that he had begun to help her Ah Ma with his civilian projects around the city.

She also overheard her Ah Ma say something similar to her E Niang, "ZiWei. Something's happened to that child. He is as dependable as he's always been, but he seems to carry a heavy burden on his spirit."

QingYan knew that her E Niang worried about her. But what could she do? It had been two years, and he had never truly said anything.

So, she carried on. She played the guqin, sang songs, painted and practiced the violin with her Uncle Benjy, danced with Rong Qing Wang Fei, and pretended that she was still the same QingYan. But her heart, it hurt.

She didn't know it but WenQi, who was more sensitive than his older brother, noticed that something wasn't quite right with his older sister. He had noticed, over the last two years, that she often turned to a certain sketch she had made in her book. He had also seen the stricken look on her face, though she was quick to hide it, when she had seen TianMing ge ge at 15-Ah-Ge's side when 15-Ah-Ge arrived on his horse to fetch his bride. Though his sister smiled and offered congratulations to their Uncle ErTai and Aunt Saiya, WenQi saw the worried glances his E Niang kept sending his sister. And so, he decided to do something about it.

QingYan tried work on editing the drawings she was making of her cousin's wedding, but found that she couldn't focus. She looked at her guqin and her violin and found that they were, for the first time, distasteful to her. She looked outside the window. What a beautiful day it was! And so, she went into the courtyard and tried to stem her restlessness through dance. Still, she couldn't stop the tears from forming and stumbled.

But TianMing was once again there to catch her.

"QingYan!"

She gaped up at him. He quickly helped her stand and let go of her. Stunned, she could only continue to stare at him. He was thinner, more worn. Her Ah Ma had been right; he seemed to be bearing a heavy burden.

"Are you looking for WuQi?" She finally said.

He shook his head.

"Then WenQi?"

He shook his head again.

"Oh. Well then, I'll go fetch Ah Ma for you."

"Wait, QingYan."

She turned back towards him.

"You've been crying."

"I …" she paused, "I merely stubbed my toe."

"You were never a very good liar."

She remained silent. He reached into his pocket, "I wanted to return your drawing."

"My drawing?" She took the paper from him and unfolded it. "Oh."

"WenQi gave it to me."

"WenQi?"

"He said…he said you've been waiting."

When she remained silent, he asked quietly, "Have you?"

She only gripped the paper tighter.

"QingYan…when I left…I meant to make myself worthy of you. But now…war is not glorious. We were ordered to execute all of them, to drive them out after we conquered their lands, to divide up their womenfolk and children. I couldn't do it anymore. All the principals we have been taught, they had no place on the battlefield. I returned with blood on my hands. I can't…can't stain you too."

She finally dared to look at him. "You were injured."

"A minor arm wound."

She shook her head, "More than that. But you're back now and I...I…I'm still waiting."

"QingYan?"

"Two years can be a long time. Are you going to make me wait two more?"

"But QingYan, I'm broken."

"Then let me fix you."

She blushed at her own directness as he stared at her in surprise.

"You're going to tear your drawing," he finally said.

She loosened her grip on the paper. "I…I'll go put it away."'

His hand on hers stopped her. She turned towards him hesitantly, looking from their linked hands to his face, causing him to drop her hand.

"I should have told you, before I left. But I didn't want you to wait. I wanted to return to you, victorious, and then speak to your father and grandfather...QingYan…"

How wistful he sounded!

"I should have known…insightful as you are, that you would have realized…only, I didn't think, couldn't allow myself to hope that…that you would think of me."

"Think of you? TianMing, since you went away…some part of my thoughts were always on you. Were you in danger? Were you warm enough? Were you respected by the soldiers? Were you…were you thinking of me too?"

"Of course I thought of you! Every moment of every day. In my darkest moments, I thought of your smile, of the sound of your guqin, your violin, your voice…it gave me strength, enabled me to tell Ah Ma that I was coming back."

"And yet, when you were back…"

"I saw you, that day, when you and Ban Hua Shi were painting the willow trees in the Summer Palace. And oh, how beautiful you looked; the sound of your laughter, how bright it was! How could I ruin that? How could I cause you pain?"

"Don't you know that you are causing me pain?"

"QingYan, don't cry."

She wiped stubbornly at her eyes.

"I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry."

"So that's it then?" She asked in a small voice, "all I'm left with is an apology?"

"I…"

She grew angry, "No. If you say you're sorry one more time…No." She took a deep breath. "It's alright. You need not be sorry. You never promised me anything. You never asked me to wait for you. I did it of my own free will." She smiled grimly, "I thank you, for returning my drawing and for your explanation. From this day on…you are still Fu Cha Tian Ming, WuQi's best friend, WenQi's hero, and my…and my childhood companion."

She looked at him one more time, "If you'll excuse me."

TianMing watched her go, her head held high, and only felt his admiration for her grow. Somewhere along the way, he had fallen for her kindness, her intelligence, her ever curious mind. In all these years, how could he not have noticed her strength? But no…she was better without him.

QingYan found WenQi and quietly thanked her brother.

"But WenQi," she added, "please don't steal another one of my drawings."

"JieJie, I only want you to be happy."

She smiled at him sadly, "I know, WenQi. But some things…well, some things are not always within our power."

WenQi sighed, "I should go teach him a lesson for you."

QingYan laughed, "Oh WenQi, you know very well that in all these years, you've never been able to win against him."

"Then I'll get WuQi to do it!"

"WuQi mustn't know. Promise me, WenQi. I could not bear it if this misunderstanding should destroy their friendship."

"Misunderstanding? JieJie, what an understatement."

She shook her head, "Promise me, WenQi."

He sighed, "Fine."

"Now then, what's this I hear about Ji Shi Fu telling Ah Ma that you surpassed all your classmates on the latest examination?"

WenQi smiled charmingly at her, "I must live up to my name after all."

As he had intended, QingYan laughed.

QingYan was twenty when she learned all of the painting's secrets. That year, Ji Shi Fu had once again been in charge of the yearly examination. He had been most impressed by the answers from two young cousins and asked that the Emperor meet them personally. And so Xiao Hai (海, ocean) and Xiao Lei (雷, thunder) delayed their return to DaLi.

Her Ah Ma, who had been present when the two were presented to the emperor, was full of praise.

"They may only be eighteen, but they each showed wisdom older than their years! Why, they may even give our WenQi a challenge!"

WenQi only smiled, "Ah Ma, you always said, 山外有山, 天外有天. I am only sorry, though, that I would not be able to meet them."

"Who said you won't be able to meet them? I knew you would wish to, so I made a special request that we be allowed to host them for a short while."

Later that night, QingYan overheard her E Niang ask her Ah Ma, "Er Kang, do they know?"

Her Ah Ma must have nodded.

"Oh!" Her E Niang sounded like she was crying.

"There now, ZiWei. We knew XiaoJian and Qing-er's son could not be without talent. I suppose I'm only thankful that Xiao Hai takes more after Yongqi than XYZ."

Her E Niang laughed through her tears. "I knew they are all well and of course they cannot return themselves, but it will be so good to see our nephews in person!"

Nephews? QingYan slipped away, her mind reeling from her parents' words. But how?

The next day found her back in front of the painting, which she had returned to her Uncle Benjamin. She absentminded smiled at the servants who greeted her and made her way to her target.

She studied the people depicted again. Yongqi and XYZ…oh! Of course! If XYZ married Rong Qing Wang, of course that would make her Wang Fei! But…but how? And then…XiaoJian and Qing-er. Xiao…Jian…the flute and the sword! Was it indeed possible…

She paused suddenly. Oh! Her poor Uncle Benjy! She knew that Uncle Benjy and Uncle Yonqi had been the very best of friends, the very closest of brothers. Did Uncle Benjy know?

"Xiao Yan Zi!"

QingYan whirled around; there was her Uncle Benjy, a big smile on his face.

"Why, I didn't expect to see you today! Is your E Niang with you?"

She shook her head, "No…I came alone today."

"Oh? I'm touched that you'd remember to come visit your old uncle."

When she didn't answer with her usual levity, he frowned, "Xiao Yan Zi, are you upset because you had seen TianMing again?"

"TianMing?" Yes. She had seen him. In the year past, she had done her best to put aside any awkwardness and regain a semblance of friendship. She rather thought that she managed it quite well. Nonetheless, her Uncle Benjy had been her source of support when she found the pretending too much of a burden. "No. Not TianMing."

He felt her forehead, "Well, you don't feel feverish. But I can always summon Chang Tai Yi…he's even more stubborn now than ever he was in the past in his old age, but he always did have a soft spot for you."

She shook her head. "Uncle Benjy…did you know?"

"Did I know what?"

"About Xiao Hai and Xiao Lei."

"Oh? The two who impressed Ji Shi Fu so much on the national exam this year? They have become quite the celebrities I hear."

"Did you know…did you know that Xiao Hai is HZGG's son?"

QingYan could tell that her words shocked her uncle. He quickly went to the doorway, looked out to make sure the coast was clear, and then closed the door.

"How did you…"

"I am my parents' daughter, Uncle Benjy." She reminded him.

He looked at her and sighed, "Yes. Yes you are."

"Then you do know!"

He nodded.

"What happened, Uncle Benjy?

"QingYan, it's not safe. This secret…I can't tell you in the Palace."

"Then come home with me. I need to understand."

He reluctantly nodded.

"Benjamin?! What brings you to XueShiFu today?"

"Er Kang, where's ZiWei? I think your daughter has questions she's like to have answered."

Her Ah Ma looked at her and frowned, "QingYan?"

"Ah Ma…the painting…I know there are secrets…Ah Ma. I need to know."

He looked as shocked as her Uncle Benjy had. "Yes…yes… we do need ZiWei."

QingYan listened as the story unfolded, and oh, what a tale it was!

"All these years…" She turned towards her Uncle Benjy, "All these years...you said, about your master, that despite all the years he lived in China, his heart never left home…but you…your heart …"

Her Uncle Benjy smiled sadly, "Is alive and well."

"Why did you never go too? You could have."

"A heart cannot always be split in two…Yongqi is my brother and XYZ's choice."

She wiped at the tears that had formed as she listened to the story. "Ah Ma, E Niang. Thank you. I promise I will keep this secret."

Her E Niang nodded, "QingYan…though I'm curious…how did you guess?"

And so QingYan told them about all the little clues she had seen and heard through the years.

When she finished speaking, her Ah Ma gave her such a look of pride before turning to her E Niang, "ZiWei, our daughter is so 冰雪聪明, just like you."

Her E Niang blushed, "Er Kang!"

QingYan looked on the scene and traded smiles with her Uncle Benjy. Ah her parents, even after all these years! Surely the ladies she was named after had the same kind of happiness!

XiaoLei and XiaoHai proved to be as gifted in martial arts as they were in literature. And so it wasn't a rare sight to see them sparring with the Fu brothers. QingYan, watching them from a safe distance, smiled as she sketched the scene. The four had become easy friends quickly upon meeting each other. QingYan, thinking of the secrets she had been told, felt surely that it was meant to be.

"Xiao Lei!"

She looked up, Uncle Benjamin was visiting again.

Xiao Lei extricated himself from the fight, "Ban Hua Shi."

"Oh no, you must call me Uncle Benjamin, the Fu brothers do after all."

Xiao Lei smiled knowingly, "Yes, Uncle."

Taking advantage of the fact that WuQi and WenQi were pre-occupied, her Uncle Benjy asked quietly, "I remember playing duets with your father, did he perchance teach you to play the xiao?"

Fang Lei nodded, "Father also told me about your violin. I think I've wanted to hear it my whole life."

Her uncle laughed and QingYan could easily see the young man he had been all those years ago. "Well, then, what say you to a duet now?"

Fang Lei agreed eagerly and went to freshen up and fetch his xiao.

QingYan smiled to herself and made to prepare a new page to capture such a scene.

The combined sound of xiao and violin caught the attention of the other three young gentlemen as well as they gathered around for the impromptu concert.

During a pause, Xiao Lei said, "Uncle Benjamin, I'm only sorry that we can't play together more often."

"You don't need to be sorry at all. QingYan knows how to play. While you're staying at XueShiFu, I'm sure she wouldn't mind being your partner."

WenQi, on seeing Xiao Lei's surprised look, spoke up, "JieJie is the most gifted lady in the whole city. 琴棋書畫…she's a master at each one and more besides!"

"I only wish my sister could be as refined as you, QingYan." Xiao Hai remarked as QingYan blushed.

"Uncle always did say that he made a mistake letting Aunty pick Nan-er's name." XiaoLei agreed.

"Mother meant to name her for the tree; she just didn't consider that it would sound exactly like the word for difficult!"

As the group of youngsters laughed, perhaps only QingYan noticed the sadness that tinged her uncle's smile.

XiaoLei remembered his Uncle Benjamin's words and, the next day, did seek out QingYan for a duet. She gladly fetched her violin.

"WenQi was right," Xiao Lei told her, "you do play well."

QingYan only laughed, "Uncle Benjy is a wonderful teacher."

"Benjy?" He seemed startled.

She looked at him curiously before realizing that he wasn't aware she knew the secret, "Oh! I know your aunt probably called him that first."

"My aunt?"

"And my aunt too, I suppose, doubly so…surely you must know that I'm named for both your mother and your aunt?"

Fang Lei drew in a sharp breath.

She just smiled placidly at him, "Neither WuQi nor WenQi know."

"But you do?"

"Uncle Benjy says I'm too curious for my own good."

"WenQi surely did not exaggerate."

She looked at him questioningly.

"You really are the most gifted lady in the city."

She blushed further when he added, "I think my mother would have enjoyed meeting you."

"Oh, but I would so like to meet her as well! And offer her my thanks. It is because of her audacity and planning that I even exist."

He smiled at her, "Shall we play another song?"

She nodded, "I trust you know this one?"

He laughed as he heard the beginning of the song his mother, aunt, and uncle had helped write.

Caught up in their music, neither noticed TianMing watching from a distance. He couldn't hear the contents of their conversation, but he did see the blush on QingYan's cheeks and the smiles they shared with each other. He knew he was jealous. But…did he even have a right to be? With one last look, he turned away to find WuQi.

A month thus passed happily, but it also meant that the day the Xiao cousins were to return to DaLi drew closer.

"Are you sure you won't take up HAM's offer?" ZiWei asked her nephews.

XiaoHai shook his head, "My path is set…Da Li is beautiful but still somewhat remote. I promised my master I would return and complete my physician's training."

"XYZ is still prone to injuries?"

XiaoHai smiled wryly at his uncle's amused words, "Nan-er is worse!"

"Xiao Lei, what about you?"

He also shook his head, "Father is grateful that our family name had been cleared all those years ago…but I'm his only son. I must return and shoulder the responsibilities that come with such a position. Besides, I've got three younger sisters to protect."

ZiWei sighed, "Very well. We knew, when your parents left, that a reunion in this lifetime was probably impossible. Still, I am glad you two were able to visit, if only for a short while."

"Aunty ZiWei, Uncle ErKang," XiaoLei and XiaoHai bowed.

XueShiFu seemed quieter after the Xiao cousins departed. Still, QingYan thought, at least now letters between DaLi and Beijing didn't have to be hidden.

She turned back to her painting; her E Niang's birthday was approaching, she must finish this scene on time.

"JieJie, you're painting again?"

She looked up and saw her brothers and TianMing approaching her. She smiled at WenQi and nodded, "For E Niang."

Her brothers examined the sketch on which the painting was based. It depicted a typical evening scene from when the Xiao cousins were visiting. Their E Niang sat in the center with her the guqin. Xiao Lei was on her left with his xiao and QingYan on the right with her violin. Their Ah Ma sat with his sons and Xiao Hai, obvious expressions of enjoyment on their faces.

WuQi smiled, "E Niang will be sure to love it. I think she would have adopted Xiao Lei and XiaoHai if she could."

QingYan smiled to herself. Yes, their E Niang surely would have.

Just then, a servant came to fetch her brothers, saying that her Ah Ma wanted to speak with them. WuQi nodded but WenQi gave her a concerned look. She smiled reassuringly at him and he turned to follow his brother.

She turned back to her painting but before she could pick up her brush, TianMing's voice stopped her.

"QingYan…Do you…do you miss him?"

"Him?

His attention was on the sketch.

"You mean Xiao Lei?"

When he didn't answer, she frowned, what was he doing?

"Ah Ma said that Xiao Lei reminds him of someone he had met in his youth. A true JiangHu hero…一箫一剑走江湖. Uncle Benjy said he was fortunate enough to have met and played duets with that hero too."

"A true JiangHu hero…" he repeated.

"He does play the xiao very well." QingYan commented, "I'm glad Uncle Benjy was able to recreate a memory from his youth. WuQi was right; E Niang would have certainly adopted both XiaoHai and XiaoLei if she could."

"And you?"

"Me? I've already got two brothers, what's two more?"

The nonchalance of her tone caused him to look at her finally, "Truly?"

She studied his expression…ah, she began to understand, "Of course! I've had a lot of practice being a JieJie you know."

"Yes."

She finally picked up her brush and made to start.

"QingYan."

"Yes?" She couldn't help but feel exasperated; she really did need to finish the painting.

"I…I…may I watch you paint?"

"If you like."

He nodded and they settled into silence. She tried to ignore the weight of his gaze on her and was grateful when her brothers returned.

"What did Ah Ma want to discuss?"

Her brothers looked at each other.

"Well…He asked WuQi what he thought of HeXin Ge Ge."

"HeXin Ge Ge?"

WenQi nodded.

"Why would…" QingYan paused. Oh. "Grandfather is ready to appoint marriages then. WenQi, who did he pick for you?"

"Ah Ma says grandfather is asking for our opinions."

"That's very kind of him."

WuQi spoke up finally, "I'm surprised E Niang hasn't had a similar conversation with you yet."

QingYan laughed, "Oh she did already."

"She did? When?"

"When I was WenQi's age."

"Well what if you've changed your mind since then?"

QingYan shook her head, "Then it's a good thing I haven't, isn't it?"

WuQi looked at her curiously while WenQi frowned.

Later, WenQi found her alone, "JieJie. You're still waiting?"

"You think I'm foolish."

"JieJie…"

"WenQi. I know you mean well. But I…some things aren't logical…"

She looked at him, suspicious of his silence, "You're not going to steal another drawing, are you?"

He looked indignant, "Of course not. I promised I wouldn't."

She smiled, "Yes, I know my brother is most honorable."

He shook his head at her, "I hope he doesn't disappoint you."

"You have my permission to teach him a lesson if he does."

"Truly?"

"Truly."

"Good, because XiaoLei and XiaoHai taught me some new moves."

QingYan just laughed.

The very next day, she stood on the bridge as she watched the sunset. Uncle Benjy was right; sunsets really are nature's paintings, so perfectly did the colors transition into one another.

"Did you mean it?"

She heard his voice. Yes, WuQi had said it was TianMing's turn to work today, he must have come directly from the palace. She continued to look at the sky, willing herself to be brave. "Mean what?"

"What you said…about not changing your mind."

"If I said yes, would you think me foolish too?"

He turned her so that she faced him. At his touch, her eyes widened a second before she controlled her expressions.

"Did you mean it?" He asked again.

"What does it matter?"

"It matters. To me, it matters."

She shook her head and moved out of his grasp. "It's not proper for the two of us to be alone like this."

"Was it not improper for you and XiaoLei to be alone too?"

"What?"

"I saw you two…a true JiangHu hero…yes. I was jealous, I admit it. I freely admit it. So wildly jealous that I wanted to grab your hand and remove you from his company then and there. But I knew I had given up that right…"

"XiaoLei? Did you not hear me? He's like a brother to me."

"Yes. I heard you. And it ended so many days of anxiety."

"WenQi would say that you deserved to suffer like that."

"Yes, yes I did."

They smiled each other until QingYan realized what she was doing. She shook her head to clear it and turned to leave.

He pulled her arm again, "You haven't answered my question."

She refused to face him. "Do I need to?"

No, he thought to himself, she really didn't.

"QingYan…can we have a new start?"

"'We'?" She smiled wistfully, "You forget, 'we' never truly began."

"I'm sorry."

She just shook her head and made to step away.

"Marry me."

Whatever she thought he would say, those words weren't it.

She whirled around, "What?"

"Marry me," he repeated.

He looked at her shocked expression and dared to move closer. He gently held her hands in his. "I beg of you… when I heard your words…when I realized you hadn't given up on me…QingYan, I've loved you since before I even knew what love was…when I saw that I had made you cry, I hated myself, but I thought I was doing the right thing… I thought, thought 长痛不如短痛 (better to just get the pain over with, rather than prolong the agony)…but you, you made me realize how wrong I was. You were so brave…what could I do but fall for you more? 长痛, 短痛, I got to know both! When I saw you with XiaoLei…I had always known you were wonderful and had hoped, truly hoped, that you would meet someone who could make you happy, someone who could see clearly the treasure that you are. I didn't think…didn't think that I could be so selfish. But I am. Even knowing that I had pushed you away, I couldn't stand to see you with someone else. I am not nearly good enough for you, I'm not the hero you deserve…but, QingYan, will you let me try? Will you give me the chance to make up for my faults? Will you let me spend the rest of my life making up for the pain I've caused you these last three years?"

QingYan meant to speak, to give him the answer she had waited all this time to say, but she found that all words failed her.

"QingYan. Don't cry."

She tried to control herself, she really did. But she had waited so long, had hoped for so long. Through her tears, she saw the concern in his gaze. With a sob, she could only fling her arms around him and hug him close.

TianMing held onto the girl in his arms in disbelief. Despite what she had said, despite the hope she had given him, he had been so afraid.

When she quieted, he gently moved her so that he could look at her face, "QingYan? Are you…are you saying yes?"

"You still can't tell?"

He wiped away her tears as he returned her smile, "I'm sorry I've been foolish."

"Don't forget," she answered, "you promised to spend the rest of your life making up for it."

He nodded, "Maybe now WenQi will stop looking at me in such a hostile manner."

QingYan laughed. Oh WenQi, he truly was the world's best brother.

His smile widened at her good humor, "He's always been careful to do it when WuQi's not watching. I must admit, for all that WuQi's the one who can beat me in a fight, I am much more frightened of your younger brother."

"And don't you forget it! He's wanted to defend my honor this whole time."

His smile faded as he looked at her seriously.

She looked at him curiously, "TianMing?"

"I hope I never give him cause to do so again."

"I know you won't."

"You have such faith in me."

"Ah Ma always called you dependable. Ah Ma is rarely wrong about people."

He nodded and reached to hold her hand.

She smiled shyly at him.

Yes, he thought to himself, he will do all he can to ensure that she never cried because of him again.

The day before her wedding, QingYan stood before the painting. The grass was still so green, the sky so blue, and the people…she smiled, thinking of all the stories and secrets. It all came down to one word, didn't it? 情: 友情 (friendship), 爱情 (love).

Speaking of which…

"QingYan?"

She turned around, "TianMing? Doesn't grandfather need you?"

"He went with Ah Ma to examine the troops."

"Oh."

He came to her side. "Ah Ma told me about this trip."

"Trip?"

He nodded, "Ah Ma said it was the most entertaining trip he had ever taken with HuangShang. He has such stories to tell about Huan Zhu Ge Ge!"

That's right! QingYan had forgotten. She wondered how all the events had seemed to someone who wasn't in the know.

"You must tell them to me."

TianMing laughed, "I doubt I can tell you anything your parents or Ban Hua Shi hasn't already told you. Rather, I think you're the one with stories to tell."

"Xiao Yan Zi and TianMing!"

Her Uncle Benjy could not resist teasing her fiancé, "TianMing, you do know you're to be married tomorrow? You're so eager that you still had to seek out QingYan today? What? You couldn't wait?"

QingYan blushed but TianMing only looked at her tenderly, "I think we've both had enough of waiting."

Her Uncle laughed, "Ah young love! Alright you two, I can't have you disrupting my work! I've got a surprise for your wedding to complete. Off with you now!"

"A surprise? Uncle Benjy, you really don't need to…"

Her uncle just waved away her protests, "Don't be silly! Of course I do! My favorite niece is getting married! This is天大的喜事!"

Laughing, QingYan and TianMing let themselves be shooed out of RuYiGuan. Before she left, however, QingYan took one more look at the painting. Yes…maybe someday, she will tell the stories to TianMing. For now though…she shyly slipped her hand into his, watching as his startled expression transformed into one of such joy…she had her own happiness to savor.

000

*reference to NHZGG, episode 42. Also, note on names: WuQi's name is the Wu for martial arts, though ZiWei picked it because it has the same sound as Wu for five (as in Wu Ah Ge)