Want: Story AU
Xiao Yan Zi was no stranger to want. In her life, she had wanted for food, for shelter, for warmth, for family. Fortunately, she had managed to fulfill all these wants. She knew she was lucky, knew that she should not want more. Knew that with Uncle Hu's indulgence and her brother's attentiveness, she had everything she truly needed, and then some. But, she had always been at least a little greedy.
As Yongqi drew closer such that they shared the same air when they breathed, she felt an overwhelming sense of want that left her breathless. Thankfully, he veered away at the last second and his head dropped onto her shoulder.
"This wine...where did your brother get it?"
His speech was slurred, but she supposed hers was not much better. "Brother makes his own wine."
"A dangerous man, your brother."
She shoved at him for his remark.
Yongqi just chuckled even as he took another drink, "I meant it as a compliment."
"I'll be sure to request some to add to the gifts for you wedding."
Her words seemed to cause him to sober up a little, "my wedding...I have been pretending that it does not exist."
"You don't wish to be married?"
"Perhaps if I could be happy like ErKang."
"You can't marry ZiWei though. She's your sister."
He swatted at her, but only succeeded in sloshing some of the wine, "Not what I meant."
XiaoYanZi couldn't help but laugh at him.
"Silly XiaoYanZi."
She just laughed harder.
He blinked at her and seemed hurt. "It's no laughing matter. How cruel you are, to derive pleasure from my misery."
"Misery? I think not. I've heard your bride is quite the beauty."
"Doesn't matter."
XiaoYanZi scoffed, "Liar. You're a man; all men like a pretty face."
"Don't you go making generalizations."
XiaoYanZi just took another drink, "Superficial, the lot of you."
"I'm beginning to think you're purposefully being contrary." He pointed an accusing finger at her.
"Would I do that?" she replied as innocently as she could.
He paused in his sip to look at her.
She paid him no mind at first, but when he continued to stare, she felt herself becoming fidgety. Reaching out to shove him again, she was caught off guard when he grasped her wrist. For someone who was inebriated, his grip was surprisingly strong.
"You're pretty."
His words caused her to pause in her struggles to reclaim her arm. The way he looked at her...she felt like she couldn't breathe again.
"More than pretty," he corrected, "how beautiful you would look in red."
What was he saying?
"I much prefer blue," she whispered at last.
He released her then and looked to his drink again. "How I wish...how I wish you could be my bride instead."
His muttering was barely above a whisper, but still XiaoYanZi heard. She stilled. The feeling of want had returned, with an intensity that shocked her.
"This wine is absolutely sublime," his voice shifted her awareness again. "Your brother is quite a genius. If he deigned to sell it, he could make so much gold."
"Brother would never!"
"A great pity for the world, but perhaps better for me. To be one of the few to know of it, I have no need to fight to gain a sample."
She scoffed, "Though it was me who did the fighting this time."
"Fighting? More like stealing."
"What, does that offend your sensibilities? Fine then, I'll just keep such ill-begotten goods to myself next time."
He just laughed and made to protect his cup from her reach, "Nope. Too late."
She harrumphed. "Well, I can still hold my liquor better than you."
"Not likely! I can recite any poem or essay you wish to name!"
"Bah! Literature! That proves nothing!" She stood and entered into a fighting stance, "If you can complete a form, now, that would be impressive."
"Well?" Though she swayed, she issued her challenge.
"I'm not going to fight you."
"And why not?"
"You're drunk."
"And you're not?" Still, she sat down again. "Do you know any drinking songs?"
He looked at her strangely, "What?"
"Drinking songs," she repeated and launched into one she had overheard from some of the rowdier guests at HuiBingLou. She didn't recall all the words and so made up her own lyrics, causing him to sputter and laugh.
Their ruckus made them easy to find. XiaoJian, taking in the scene, just sighed and shook his head. His sister spied him and grinned widely, "Brother! Do join us in our celebration!"
"No...I think you've celebrated quite thoroughly." He examined the bottle on the table and raised an eyebrow, "did the two of you finish it all?"
"Did we?" Yongqi seemed surprised.
"I do not wish to be the two of you in the morning...for now though, WuAhGe, you're in no state to return to JingYangGong."
"I'm fine!" He made to stand but found himself clutching at the table.
"Yes, I can see that." XiaoJian remarked dryly. Sighing again, he gestured to XiaoLuZi who, with a look of profound apology at his master, managed to coax the prince in the direction of the guest quarters.
"Aw...spoilsport." XiaoYanZi pouted.
"As for you, dear sister…the headache will be punishment enough." Over her protests, he gathered her into his arms and took her to her own quarters. Not even halfway there, she had fallen asleep. Tucking the bedding around her, XiaoJian couldn't help but tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear, "rest well, meimei...I'm glad you're safe."
Xiao Yan Zi knew it wasn't proper. Knew that the words she had blurted were not things a well-mannered lady would ever say, let alone demand. But she was beyond caring. Her fingers still tingled from where his had brushed against them and she couldn't think of any other way to convey her want. Despite his shocked silence, she continued to speak. Standing toe to toe with him, feeling his hand as it rested on her cheek, seeing the yearning in his eyes...when he finally kissed her, she understood what it was that she wanted. More than the physical closeness, more than companionship...she understood now the gnawing feeling whenever she saw ZiWei and ErKang together. So it was that when he paused and hid his gaze from hers, she didn't hesitate to reach up and kiss him propriety be damned.
In the intervening days to their wedding, they stole little moments for themselves. She wondered how it was that his kisses could have the same effect on her as her brother's wine. Not until the night of their wedding, however, did she realize how much he had been holding back. His words from that fateful day resounded in her ears then, about his want. For her.
"My wife," he had whispered reverently to her afterwards, his gaze so intense that she could barely bear it.
"No," she shook her head.
"No?" he frowned.
"My husband," she corrected him.
"Does such a distinction need to be made?"
"I am not your only wife." She reminded him.
"XiaoYanZi…"
She just shook her head again, "I should not have brought it up...I didn't mean to ruin the moment."
Instead of answering with words, he kissed her. The gentle pressure of his lips on hers, however, didn't seem enough and she made an impatient noise. He groaned at her unexpected fervor.
"Yongqi…"
The breathless way in which she said his name was his undoing.
He did not want that night to end. He knew LaoFoYe would be disapproving that he chose XiaoYanZi first, but he wanted to give XiaoYanZi at least one night when he was wholly hers.
As a prince, and a favored one at that, Yongqi wasn't ignorant of the ways he could have used his position. The one time one of his older brothers took him to a brothel, he had felt deeply discomforted at the way the women attempted to drape themselves on him. He had escaped as quickly as he could and minded not his brother's later teasing remarks. Though he found the more subtle glances from the rare nobleman's daughter he chanced to meet easy to dismiss, he still felt a vague sense of embarrassment.
The sense of want XiaoYanZi woke in him was thus completely unexpected, not only because she was as unsuitable a bride as could ever be imagined for him. Even if he were to have multiple wives, and perhaps because he was expected to have more than one, she could not be a candidate. He tried to stay rational, it was one of his strengths after all, but he found that to stay away from her completely, as he probably should have, proved impossible. He should have resented her, for making him lose control of himself, but he found that the opposite was true.
He wasn't sure when his attraction turned to love, though perhaps the two had been too closely intertwined even from the very beginning. It was an inconvenience. His life was expected to go down a certain path. Falling in love was not conducive to such a path. And so he did his best to avoid having to do anything about it. ZiWei might think he was self-sacrificing, but Yongqi knew that at least a little part was selfishness. He was a prince, after all, and princes were supposed to want certain goals.
When she came to him that day, when he saw his own want reflected so clearly in her eyes, he felt his resolve melt away. That she was offering to be his...he was only human. Still, a lifetime of habit was difficult to break as he tried to regulate himself and keep a respectable distance. In retrospect, he should have known that it would be impossible. XiaoYanZi was not without her own modesty but she was too open a person to play coy. And he...he found that kissing her came to him as naturally as breathing.
So no, he did not want that night to end. He wanted to pretend, as long as he could, that the world was restricted to just the two of them. That the curtains around their bed could keep reality out a little longer. But, time waited for no man, not even a prince.
He had planned ahead, had told XiaoLuZi to wake him early. He was prepared for XiaoYanZi's hurt and even expected some anger, but he failed to think of his own guilt. As he saw the tousled beddings around her, the frown on her face even as she slept, and the dark circles under her eyes when she did wake, he couldn't help but feel ashamed of himself. Despite knowing that she walked into this situation willingly...how he wished he didn't have to cause her pain. He hugged her close, knowing that words were not enough to express his apology or his gratefulness. That she could be so brave and smile and tease him...he hadn't thought it was possible, but he fell in love with her all over again.
He tried to be fair, or at least put up an appearance of fairness. Both for the sake of his own conscience and to avoid reprimands from his grandmother who, he knew, surely had spies of her own. Still, he was master of JingYangGong and could dismiss the servants altogether whenever he saw fit.
It proved most helpful whenever they sparred, for they both had free reign of the space without worrying about accidentally hurting an innocent. XiaoYanZi's favorite weapon remained her whip but, under her brother's tutelage, she had also become an apt swordswoman.
Yongqi called for a stop when he felt the first raindrop.
But XiaoYanZi just shook her head, "Oh no, not when I'm so close to beating you! It's only a little water!"
He laughed as he parried her sword, "Beating me? I think not! You may have improved, but you're still no match for me."
XiaoYanZi made no reply other than to renew her attack with more fervor.
Even as he successfully defended himself, Yongqi couldn't help but appreciate the sight she presented.
"Heavens, you're beautiful."
She froze for a mere moment, but he saw his opening.
He smiled cheekily at her even as she glared at him over the blade pointed at her neck, "Beating me, huh?"
She made a face as he withdrew his sword, "Not fair, you cheated."
"How did I cheat?"
"You…" she glared at him and pressed her lips firmly closed.
He drew closer to her, "I what?"
She shivered, though whether from the drenching rain or from the way he was looking at her, she couldn't tell.
"How did I cheat?" he asked her again, discomfitingly close.
"You…"
He didn't give her a chance to respond as his lips descended upon hers. Their swords clattered to the ground but neither seemed to care or even be aware.
When Yongqi woke, the world seemed oddly quiet. It took him a moment to realize that the rain had stopped. Feeling a draft, he sat up to release the curtains from their holdings. Beyond their bed, he saw piles of wet clothing scattered haphazardly on the floor. XiaoYanZi made some unintellectual sounds and he closed the curtains to return his attention to her. Brushing aside strands of hair, still a little damp, from her forehead, he suddenly wanted to be selfish. He was tired of putting on a show. He just wanted her.
He didn't expect an argument.
"What are you doing here?"
"What do you mean? It's dinner time."
"Well, yes, but...it should be her day."
"I wished to surprise you...are you not pleased to see me?"
"Of course I am!" XiaoYanZi was quick to say, "but…I thought we agreed that for appearance's sake..."
"She's not here."
"What?"
"You are currently the only ce FuJin in JingYangGong."
"Oh."
He sat down and, with a quick thanks towards MingYue for the added bowl, helped himself to the dishes on the table. She stared at him a moment longer before joining him.
They ate in silence before she asked, "where did she go?"
"She's visiting family. One of her brothers was ill recently."
"Oh...should we ask Uncle Hu to see him?"
"That's very kind of you, but Xu TaiYi has already seen him and informed me that he is already on the road to recovery."
"Oh." She said again.
He could feel her gaze on him and tried not to peek at her expressions. He hoped that she was happy with his unexpected company. When she still didn't speak even after the servants cleared the table, however, he grew worried.
"XiaoYanZi?" Why was she frowning?
"What?"
"You are happy to see me?"
"Of course. Only…I'm not sure what to do now that you're here."
He smiled in relief, "my presence should not change your plans."
"Even if they're boring?"
He chuckled, "even then. You're not obliged to entertain me."
Her expression cleared as she stood and led the way to her study, "Brother leant me a book that he promised would be full of adventure. I haven't had a chance to try it yet."
Instead of settling at the table, however, she took the book to the settee. He watched, fascinated, as she kicked off her shoes, her commoners' slippers he noted, leaned against the side arm, drew up her knees, and placed the book in her lap. He smiled to see her bare toes peeking out from the lower edges of her outer gown. It was a quirk that he had discovered early in their marriage; XiaoYanZi really did not like socks. She tolerated them during the winter but as soon as the weather was warm enough, she wore them only when absolutely necessary.
She opened the cover but did not commence reading, "what about you?"
He sat at her work table, "I'll find something to do."
"You're sure?"
He just smiled at her reassuringly, "Enjoy your book."
She still looked doubtful but shrugged and turned to the adventures that had been promised her.
He watched as she grew immersed in the story, at the various expressions on her face that hinted at particularly harrowing or exciting portions of the tale. He felt like he could watch her forever and felt compelled to find a way to remember that moment. He examined her table and and was glad to see that there was paper and still some ink. Yongji wasn't the only artist in the family.
"What are you working on?"
He looked up from putting the final touches on the painting, "Would you like to see?"
Curious, she put down her book and, still barefoot, approached him.
"Huh."
"Is that the only response I can expect?"
She wrinkled her nose, "How are you so perfect?"
"What?"
"It's really not fair that one person should be so good at everything."
"So you do think it's a good drawing?"
She rolled her eyes, "Idiot.️"
He just smiled and reminded her, "Your brother is surely skilled at even more things. He made ZiWei a guqing as I recall."
She made a face, "it's hard to live up to the standard he sets."
"You do an admirable job of it I think."
"You're clearly biased."
"Am I?"
"You married me after all."
"As I recall, you gave me little choice."
"You always had a choice." Her reply was unexpectedly serious for his teasing tone.
He reached out and pulled at her waist, causing her to become unbalanced.
"Hey!" She protested but he just smiled down at her.
"I think I made a very good one."
Her expression softened even if her tone did not, "You are unbearable."
"Am I?"
"So sickeningly sweet, just like ErKang is towards ZiWei."
"What's wrong with being sweet?"
"It's unfair since I don't know how to give you tian yan mi yu (甜言蜜语, sweet nothings) in return."
He laughed at her reasoning, "I don't need any of that, I just need you."
She accepted his kiss willingly but did mutter, "See, unbearably sweet."
He just smiled at her, not at all sorry. She shook her head and pulled the painting closer to examine it.
"It is good."
"High praise from you."
"I can appreciate nice things, you know."
He hugged her close, "I know."
They sat in comfortable silence a moment longer before she pushed at his arms and hopped down from his lap, "teach me to draw."
"You really wish to learn?"
She shrugged, "you're a good teacher."
"Two compliments?" He gaped at her in mock surprise.
She just rolled her eyes again and picked up the brush, "well?"
He just chuckled and complied.
Sadly, a crisis at one of the borders kept him from enjoying her company as he wished. He still made it a point to join her for mealtime, but then was forced to seclude himself in his study. His self imposed exile, however, lasted only three days.
"I have a perfectfully good desk for you to work on," she said when he rose.
"But there are references and maps that are not available here."
She thought for a moment, "hold on."
"XiaoYanZi!" He called after her departing figure.
"Just one moment!" Came her voice before she made her return, "Just needed to fetch my book. I'll help you with your ink, but it can be boring just watching you write."
"I thought you finished it already."
"I did, this is volume two."
Her presence in his study was not a rarity. Indeed, she had commandeered one of the side tables for her own use when she needed to write reports. Still, he felt some of his stress decrease knowing that she was with him. Engrossed as he soon became with his task, he was surprised when he lifted his head for a quick stretch to find her asleep, her head pillowed on her still open book.
"XiaoYanZi…" he nudged her shoulder gently.
"Hmmmm…?" She stirred but did not wake.
"I think you'd be more comfortable in your own bed."
"Mmmhmm." Despite her sound of agreement, her eyes stayed closed.
He was left with no choice but to lift her into his arms and take her there himself. XiaoLuZi lit the way with the lantern. When he made to depart again, however, she refused to let go.
"I still have to finish my report…"
She just shook her head and snuggled closer.
Shaking his head, he gave specific instructions to XiaoLuZi, who then retreated. Settling on the bed, he let his own eyes close.
"Yongqi?"
Her still groggy voice made him turn, "I've got to finish my report now...someone wouldn't let me last night."
She rubbed at her eyes, "it's still dark."
"Go back to sleep. I'll stop in before I leave."
When she nodded agreeably, he kissed her forehead once before returning to his study.
Despite his insistence, XiaoYanZi continued to keep him company while he worked.
"You've got a perfectly good bed in your quarters. I'll just sleep there," she had retorted when he made mention that he could not take her back to her rooms every night when she fell asleep.
"LaoFoYe would not approve," he cautioned her.
She just shrugged, "She doesn't approve of me anyways. Besides, isn't a good wife suppose to help and support her husband? I am merely making sure you have a steady supply of ink."
He knew he was no match for her stubbornness.
His hard work paid off when his father approved of his proposed solution.
"Don't wait for me tomorrow," he told XiaoYanZi, "Huang Ah Ma has determined that I'm to lead the negotiation with the ambassador this time. In fact, I expect I'll be late in returning the next few days."
She nodded.
"You don't seem that surprised.️"
"Who else was he going to assign?"
"Plenty of people with more experience."
"Well, all their experience didn't prevent this crisis, did it? You're the best man for the job."
"You really think so?" Her faith in him, made obvious through her matter of fact tone, was touching.
"Idiot," She said though not without fondness.
Yongqi realized, during the negotiations, that he was a fair hand at diplomacy. Neither side was completely happy with the final agreement, but such was the price of compromise. Nonetheless, the emperor was pleased and, more importantly in Yongqi's mind, peace was kept.
"We must celebrate." XiaoYanZi said as a tired Yongqi made his way back to JingYangGong.
"I think I'm too exhausted to drink."
She shook her head, "oh believe me, I learned my lesson. All drinking will always be in moderation after that experience. No, I had something else in mind."
"Oh?"
"You think you still have it in you for a little bit of qin gong?"
"I think I can manage."
She smiled, "good."
They ended up on the roof where she handed him a flask.
"I thought you said no drinking."
"I said in moderation, not none. But you needn't worry, it's just a tea I asked XiaoGeZi to make. She's quite talented with nourishing brews and even improved the taste of some of Uncle Hu's recipes. With how hard you've been working for HuangAhMa, I thought you'd need it."
"XiaoYanZi…"
"What?"
He felt very, very blessed in that moment. "I much prefer your brand of sweetness over any tian yan mi yu."
Taking a gulp from the flask, he missed her blush.
"Where did you get the idea to come up here?"
"I do it sometimes, when I can't sleep. It helps put things in perspective."
"Oh?"
She waved a hand overhead, "it reminds me that I'm lucky to be able to appreciate the beauty of the sky instead of cursing the fact that I have nothing and no one to shelter me from the elements."
She shook her head, as though to clear bad memories, "You can probably name all of them, can't you?"
"The stars?"
She nodded.
"I could name a fair number of them and tell you about the meridians and what they mean...but...things don't have to be named for us to appreciate their beauty."
"How very philosophical of you."
"Do you mind?"
She shrugged, "I like to listen to you talk. Even if I don't always understand everything you say."
He chuckled at her response, "but I'm too tired to expound further on it tonight."
"Then you should rest."
"A splendid idea. Join me?"
"And if I'm not tired?"
"I sleep better with you near me," he admitted.
They lay facing each other.
"I thought you were tired."
"I am."
"So go to sleep."
"I like looking at you though."
This time, he didn't miss her blush. He kissed her and sighed in contentment, "I've missed you."
"I haven't gone anywhere."
"Hmmm." He was too focused on kissing the rest of her face to answer.
"What happened to sleep?" She asked breathlessly when his lips trailed down her neck.
"Your fault."
"What?" The whimper she made however, belied any indignance she might have wished to convey.
"You are too lovely to resist."
"Yongqi…" she did manage to protest.
"Then we must blame XiaoGeZi, who is too good with her herbs...the tea was most fortifying."
Any reply she wished to make, however, was soon lost.
The bliss he felt in her company, however, was rudely interrupted.
"XiaoYanZi!" He looked up from the manuscript he was working on, "you look very proper." And indeed, she was wearing a heavily embroidered gown and her much despised formal shoes.
His wife, however, did not smile at his observations, "Yongqi…" she bit her lip, a sure sign of nervousness.
"What's wrong?"
"When is she coming back?"
"Who?"
"You know."
"Why do you ask?"
"I…" she took a moment to collect herself, "did you send her away because...because of me?"
"I didn't send her away, you know that. She went home to…"
"To see her sick brother, I know what you said…but…" she paused, "it's been almost two months and...oh, never mind."
"XiaoYanZi?" He held her hands, "tell me what's wrong, please?"
She just shook her head again as she pulled her hands away, "I need to go change, or we'll be late for our visit with ZiWei and ErKang."
"XiaoYanZi!" She paid him no mind.
During the carriage ride, she seemed to recover her usual spirit as she speculated on the surprise ZiWei had hinted at in her invitation. Still, Yongqi couldn't help but feel that her chatter seemed rather forced.
"ErTai is returning?"
ErKang smiled, "E Niang is beside herself with joy."
ZiWei added, "We told HuangAhMa first of course, and he's already ordered a celebration be planned. Ah Ma and ErKang will be quite busy."
"For a good cause."
"What can we do?" XiaoYanZi asked excitedly.
"Right, how can we help?" Yongqi echoed.
ErKang and ZiWei traded a look that held a whole conversation.
"It'll be a grand occasion, of course, with SaiYa being a princess," ZiWei explained, "but since it is a celebration of homecoming, I thought it might be good to include a more personal performance too. I would ask XiaoJian, but he'll be needed to handle security since ErKang won't be available."
"What did you have in mind?" Yongqi asked.
ZiWei smiled and walked to her guqing.
"It's beautiful," XiaoYanZi clapped her hands.
"It's not completed yet, but I thought it might be nice to have some accompaniment on the xiao."
"We'd be glad to!" Yongqi reclaimed.
"As though you even had to ask." XiaoYanZi said.
"Wonderful!" ZiWei smiled.
The rest of the day was spent in joint pursuit of finishing the tune. XiaoYanZi's earlier strange behavior was for the moment forgotten.
YuanJia's return was not altogether expected. Yongqi knew she would return, of course, but he had purposefully not asked for a timeframe when she requested leave. XiaoYanZi's response to her return did surprise him. She seemed oddly calm. Too calm. She even had YuanJia join them for dinner and genuinely seemed interested in learning about the Soccolo family.
"Did you know she would be back?" He asked XiaoYanZi when they were alone again.
"Of course."
"How?"
She looked uncomfortable, "does it matter?"
"XiaoYanZi…what did you do?"
"Nothing." She answered, but too quickly for his comfort.
"XiaoYanZi."
She bit her lip and wouldn't meet his eyes.
"XiaoYanZi...don't make me tickle you."
She looked up at that threat, "you wouldn't!"
He just raised an eyebrow before attacking her.
"Alright! Alright!" She finally admitted defeat after multiple unsuccessful attempts to escape the torture.
She took a moment to catch her breath, "I may have forged a message in your name…"
"What?!"
"Well I couldn't very well write to Soccolo Da Ren as me, could I? Don't worry, I had Qing-er read it over so that I wouldn't cause you any embarrassment."
"And why would you have cause to write to Soccolo Da Ren?"
"How else would she know to return?"
"You…" Yongqi wasn't sure what he felt, "you wanted her to return?"
"I want…" XiaoYanZi was silent a long time before she sighed, "she has a right to be here too. It was wrong of you to send her away."
"I didn't send her away!"
"Don't yell at me!"
He closed his eyes to calm himself. "I didn't send her away." He repeated, more quietly.
She just shook her head stubbornly, "I don't want to talk about it anymore."
So saying, she turned away from him. He was too confused to do more than stare at the back of her head. When he woke the next morning, she was already gone.
"FuJin said she had a new case to investigate," was CaiXia's answer when he asked about her absence.
He had nodded numbly before leaving for court.
"Did you and XiaoYanZi have another fight?"
"What?"
ErKang looked at him shrewdly and commented quietly, "Your attention is divided today...not enough for others to notice." He added as reassurance.
Yongqi sighed, "I don't know if it counts as a fight."
"Hmm...I managed to procure a rare Mongol text I thought you might be interested in; it's too fragile to move unfortunately" ErKang said more loudly as other officials walked past them on their way home.
"Then I shall trouble your hospitality."
"There really is a text," ErKang explained when they arrived at XueShiFu, "but I think ZiWei would appreciate a visit."
Yongqi nodded, "thank you."
ErKang just smiled, "I'll go keep E Niang company for a bit."
"I don't understand it," Yongqi admitted to his sister after he described what had happened.
"Did you purposefully send her away?"
"No...yes...I…" Yongqi sighed, "I just wanted time with XiaoYanZi…"
ZiWei made a sympathetic sound but said, "XiaoYanZi never did like bullies."
"She thinks I'm a bully?"
Her reply made his indignance turn quickly to surprise, "not you, but herself."
"Heqing jiejie came to visit me recently; she thinks of XiaoYanZi as her protégée I think. My fault," she admitted with a small smile. "LaoFoYe had invited the various FuJin's to enjoy the water lilies. As the one who drew LaoFoYe's attention to them, of course Heqing jiejie was present as well. Someone remarked on YuanJia's absence and, out of LaoFoYe's hearing, congratulated XiaoYanZi on a job well done in demonstrating her dominance."
"Is that person still alive?"
ZiWei chuckled, "Heqing jiejie was rather proud of XiaoYanZi for not retaliating directly. Though who's to say what actually caused LaoFoYe's lapdog to be so attentive to 3-FuJin after refreshments were served?"
Despite himself, Yongqi felt his lips twitch, his third brother's widow was known for her fear of dogs.
"XiaoYanZi fancies herself a champion of the defenseless." ZiWei reminded her brother.
"She will never cease to surprise me." Yongqi murmured after a long moment.
ZiWei nodded in agreement, "we've all underestimated her, I think."
XiaoYanZi was late in returning to JinYangGong.
"Were your investigations successful?"
She jumped as he walked out of the darkness of her study. "Don't do that! I could have wounded you with my sword!"
"I would have dodged."
In lieu of replying, she went to put her sword on its holder.
"XiaoYanZi, look at me."
When she continued looking at the wall, he approached her and turned her to face him.
"Are you mad?" How uncertain she looked.
"Mad?"
"Forgery is dishonest."
"Hmm, true. But no, I'm not mad, not at that anyways. I went to see ZiWei today and she explained some things…Why didn't you tell me?"
"And say what? It's not like I want…" she paused.
He gathered her into his arms, "I know."
"I don't want to become like them." She murmured at last into his shirt.
"You won't," he declared fiercely.
She just hugged him close.
When XiaoYanZi declared YuanJia to be a part of the family, Yongqi was at first startled. Then, seeing the profound gratefulness on YuanJia's face, he felt ashamed of himself. Despite everything, he had still remained wary of YuanJia, afraid that she would to be one of those conniving women who would vindictively harm XiaoYanZi. With Lao FoYe's obvious favor, YuanJia could have done so quite easily. Their conversation that day on the grassland, however, cemented the realization that neither of his wives was a typical court lady.
YuanJia was, as XiaoYanZi had declared, sweet and unassuming. She was also well educated. Her opinions of history and literature, while not groundbreaking, showed a mind capable of thought. Spending time with her went from a duty to something he found he actually enjoyed. Things were so easy with YuanJia. She never complained, never contradicted, never made demands.
In contrast, life with XiaoYanZi could be...complicated. There were moments when she could be impossibly sweet, moments when she set his heart racing simply for existing, but there were also moments like the current one…
"You're purposefully misinterpreting what I'm saying!" He was trying his best to stay calm, but it was proving difficult.
"Because I'm too stupid to understand, I know. Must you keep pointing that out?"
"That's not what I meant at all! I just worry about you and don't want you to come to harm because of something silly."
"Well maybe I don't want your protection!"
Her words hurt more than he cared to admit, "You don't mean that."
For a second, she looked like she might apologize. But the moment passed quickly. She grabbed a cup from the table and threw it at him.
"XiaoYanZi!"
She just grabbed another cup and then another.
"Enough!" He cried, "I'm going to leave now, before I do end up saying something I'll regret."
The crash of yet another cup, this time right at his heels even when he had left her rooms made him pause but a second.
Fuming, he stormed out of JingYangGong, intent on going to the martial yard to work out his frustrations with archery.
"Wu-Ah-Ge!"
It was Qing-er.
"If you intend to visit XiaoYanZi, I must caution you against it. She's not in a right state of mind."
She nodded as she admitted, "LaoFoYe did make too much of the incident. Everyone could see it was an accident. Even Noble Consort Chunhui had not wished to punish XiaoYanZi."
"Noble Consort Chunhui is known for her fairness, but...what if it had been someone else? XiaoYanZi needs to be more careful. But she can be so unreasonable!"
Qing-er's expression softened, "You worry because you care."
"Of course I worry! For all that she can protect herself physically, she just doesn't understand court politics!"
"LaoFoYe's bias is difficult to overcome," Qing-er sighed.
Some of his anger faded, "Qing-er, I'm sorry…"
She just shook her head, "XiaoYanZi understands more than you think...at least, in relation to how her conduct reflect on her brother in LaoFoYe's eyes. She may not want to change, but she already has, so much...for me, for XiaoJian…"
"And for me…" Yongqi's traitorous heart whispered.
Out loud, however, he only said, "I would wait until at least tomorrow before calling on her."
He still went to the martial fields and did feel like he had reclaimed his equilibrium. He also followed his own advice and left XiaoYanZi alone.
He was surprised, therefore, to see her in his study when he returned from court the next day. She seemed to pay him no mind as she focused on her writing. Likewise, he turned to work on a task his father had assigned. Silence prevailed until he realized that he had been reading the same passage for the fifth time without fully comprehending it.
"Are we going to talk about it?"
She continued to ignore him.
"XiaoYanZi."
She still refused to look him, though he did notice that her grip on her pen had tightened.
"You can't stay silent forever." So saying, he grabbed the brush in her hand and tried to remove it from her grip. She put up a good fight. If it weren't for the fact that the brush jabbed him in the eye, it might have lasted longer.
"I'm sorry!" XiaoYanZi gasped as she used her handkerchief to wipe at the ink on his eyelid.
He let her fuss a moment before grabbing her wrist, "Feel better?"
She made to pull her arm back but he held firm.
"XiaoYanZi," he used his other hand to tilt her chin so that she had to meet his eyes.
"You look ridiculous," she muttered at last.
"It'll wash off." He answered.
She sighed. Seeing that the fight seemed to have left her, he loosened his hold.
"We should talk about it."
"What is there to talk about?"
"I know it's not fair, the way LaoFoYe treats you. I know that if it weren't for Qing-er and your brother, you probably wouldn't really care so much."
When she stayed quiet, he continued, "I know that being married to me is not easy for you."
She shook her head, "you're wrong."
"What?"
He could see her struggles to put her thoughts into words. Finally, she said, "being married to Yongqi is wonderful, being married to Wu-Ah-Ge can be...challenging."
"Huh," he thought he understood.
She sighed again, "though I know the two are not distinct."
"Oh XiaoYanZi."
She just shook her head, "Enough talking. You need to scrub the ink off now or else it'll stain for longer." She summoned XiaoLuZi for a basin of water and a washcloth. He watched her examine him critically.
"I'm sure it's fine."
"How do you know? It's not like you can see it."
"If anyone remarks on it, I'll just say ErTai landed a lucky punch."
Her lips twitched even as she said, "I'd be careful if I were you, ErTai may let you use such a blatant lie, but SaiYa won't."
He laughed, "she is rather protective of him, isn't she?"
"I expect her to be worse with their child."
"What?"
XiaoYanZi clamped a hand over her mouth, "Oops. I wasn't supposed to say anything yet."
"But that's wonderful news!"
"You can't say anything! She hasn't even told ErTai yet!"
"I'll keep the secret, if you promise me one thing."
She looked at him warily, "what is it?"
"In the future, no matter how angry you get, don't throw teacups at me."
She scoffed, "I wasn't throwing them at you."
"Really? They came awfully close to hitting me."
"Hmmp. If I wanted actually to hit you, I would have."
"You're awfully confident."
"You can't forget that it's Heqing jiejie who taught me to shoot. She gives even you a fair challenge."
He inclined his head, "true enough."
"Still, I promise. Though, I may throw other things instead.
"XiaoYanZi!"
She just smiled, "well you shouldn't have been so specific!"
"You're not serious?"
"You'll just have to wait and see, won't you?"
He could only shake his head helplessly.
News of Princess SaiYa's pregnancy was a great cause for celebration. ErTai was soon given the opportunity to return his friend's teasing, however, when YuanJia shyly shared her own news.
For once, LaoFoYe and XiaoYanZi found themselves agreeing on something. Indeed, LaoFoYe seemed taken aback at how genuinely happy XiaoYanZi was and how much she doted on YuanJia.
"She'll never openly admit to being wrong about you, of course," Qing-er shared with XiaoYanZi, "but she doesn't complain about you as much."
XiaoYanZi seemed puzzled, "what was she expecting me to do?"
"To be jealous."
"Jealous?"
"That YuanJia has such happiness before you."
To Qing-er's surprise, XiaoYanZi laughed.
"Goodness, she really doesn't think much of me, does she?"
Still, Qing-er wished to be certain, "XiaoYanZi...this baby, it could change things, particularly if it's a boy."
"You mean LaoFoYe could promote YuanJia to FuJin?"
"You knew?!"
"I've learned some things in my time living in the palace, even if YuanJia hadn't told me about it too. She had been so nervous, poor thing."
"What about you?"
XiaoYanZi shrugged, "It's just a title."
Qing-er looked at her consideringly. She knew YuanJia's perspective, of course. Since that day in the rain, she had managed to become friends with Wu-Ah-Ge's younger ceFuJin. They did not always discuss the matter openly, but Qing-er was observant enough to see YuanJia's acceptance of and eventual peace with her knowledge. Thus, she hadn't been surprised when YuanJia had eloquently stalled when LaoFoYe hinted at the raise of title. LaoFoYe had thought YuanJia was being overly cautious, wishing to wait until the child passed its 100th day before any decision was made, but Qing-er could see that it was YuanJia's way of protecting XiaoYanZi.
"What?"
Qing-er shook her head. XiaoYanZi might have learned some things, but she remained so blissfully ignorant sometimes.
"Where is YuanJia now? We should invite her on our walk."
Before XiaoYanZi could reply, however, a visitor made her appearance.
"XiaoGeZi, What a surprise! Why do you look so flushed?"
"XiaoYanZi jiejie, Qing-er jiejie, father sent me from XueShiFu."
The ladies exchanged a glance and came to the same conclusion, "ZiWei!"
XiaoGeZi nodded and grinned widely, "We're aunties!"
"How's ZiWei?" XiaoYanZi quickly asked.
"Father says ZiWei jiejie is tired, as can be expected, but that he thinks she's too happy to hold her son in her arms to mind."
"A son? Oh! I must go inform LaoFoYe!"
"And I need to go find YuanJia." She first made sure, however, that XiaoGeZi had refreshments after what must have been a busy day. Qing-er watched XiaoYanZi fuss and smiled to herself. For all her talk of not being ready for motherhood, XiaoYanZi already possessed the necessary skills.
XiaoYanZi was thankful for the distractions that the southern trip provided. Even though the emperor was traveling more openly this time, even though it seemed that half the court was accompanying him, XiaoYanZi found some measure of respite from talks of motherhood. She liked children well enough, but she had never truly thought of ones of her own. She barely felt like an adult at times, how was she to raise a child? Still, the way Yongqi's eyes had shone when YuanJia told him her news had sowed some seeds in XiaoYanZi's mind. He never made any comments to her about it, but...she wondered.
The day had been a melancholy one, as she and her brother led their friends and loved ones to the pay respects at the graves of their parents. She had been touched at Yongqi's heartfelt words. As she inserted the incense and kowtowed, she couldn't help but wonder what her parents would say to her situation. Never had she felt so acutely the loss of her mother. ZiWei, ever perceptive, had squeezed her hand encouragingly. XiaoYanZi tried to smile, but found that her face would not cooperate.
ZiWei and ErKang departed early, to give the Fang siblings privacy. Qing-er and Yongqi, however, lingered. XiaoYanZi watched as Qing-er murmured a few words to her brother, causing his expression to lighten. How thankful she was that her brother had found Qing-er. A touch on her hand made her turn towards her own husband.
"Walk with me."
She nodded wordlessly and followed him.
They had traveled out of sight and sound when she finally spoke, "Brother and Qing-er do deserve some time together."
"As do we."
She tried to reply with her usual levity, "We have plenty of time together during this trip."
"It never feels enough; time with you passes much too fast."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Time passes quickly when one is enjoying oneself."
XiaoYanZi could hear his earnestness and wondered if she would ever get used to his sweetness. So, she reacted as she usually did, by changing the topic when she could.
"Do you think brother and Qing-er will have a happy ending?"
"Why wouldn't they?"
"I want them to, so much. But...simply wanting something does not make it true."
"XiaoYanZi."
They paused on the creek bed.
"I'm sorry," she murmured, "I'm just melancholy."
He wrapped an arm about her, "LaoFoYe will come around, you'll see."
XiaoYanZi just shook her head, "I don't know. Even today, we had to sneak Qing-er away. If LaoFoYe knows where we truly took her…"
"LaoFoYe's heart is not made of stone. It's because she truly favors Qing-er that she sets such high expectations for Qing-er's future."
"If she truly favors Qing-er, she'd want her to be happy." XiaoYanZi replied sharply.
"LaoFoYe's upbringing does not favor putting so much emphasis on personal happiness."
She was silent before turning to face him, "Then you are strange."
"Strange?"
She smiled a little, "For being an oddity in your priorities."
He smiled back, relieved that her mood was brightening, "Your fault."
"How is it my fault?"
"If you did not enter my life, I would not understand how fulfilling being selfish can be."
She made a face, "You make me sound like such a bad influence."
"Aren't you? Because of you, YuanJia had the gall not to defend her mother."
XiaoYanZi snorted, "She deserved it...the way she was speaking to YuanJia...I can only imagine how YuanJia suffered growing up. Someone had to protect her. Besides, what did I say that wasn't true? YuanJia is your ce FuJin. By rights, her mother needed to be respectful. I may not like all the rules in the palace and the distinctions of rank..."
"But you have no qualms about using them when they suit your needs." He interrupted.
"Know thy enemy," XiaoYanZi intoned.
His lips twitched, "Enemy, huh?"
She gave him an unamused look.
"Without rules, the world would descend into chaos, you know."
She shrugged, "Of course. In case you've forgotten, I do spend my time bringing evildoers to justice."
"And yet I've seen you look the other way when you spy some children stealing."
"The rules do not define right and wrong. It's more wrong that the children have to resort to stealing at all."
"And you deny that you're a philosopher."
She merely shrugged.
They continued walking along the path in companionable silence before XiaoYanZi stopped suddenly.
"What's wrong?"
XiaoYanZi's answer surprised him. "I wonder how YuanJia is doing. It seems wrong that we left her in BeiJing."
"We couldn't say no to HuangAhMa," he reminded her after he had collected himself.
"Still…"
"Surely you trust Hu Tai Yi to ensure her wellbeing?"
"Don't you worry? She's carrying your child after all."
"Of course I do, but I also trust Hu Tai Yi. And he assured us that she was doing well. YuanJia herself insisted that we come on this trip."
"We'll just have to bring back lots of presents," XiaoYanZi declared determinedly after a pause.
"Of course," he said agreeably.
They walked a little more before she stopped again. "Do you think…" she bit her lip, "never mind…"
"Do I think what?"
She shook her head, "Nothing."
"It can't be nothing for you even to start voicing it."
"I just wondered…" she said haltingly, "if LaoFoYe would like me more if I gave you a child too."
"You want her to like you that much?"
"Well...if it would help her think more favorably on my brother."
He didn't think he should laugh at the simplicity of her reasoning. So, instead, he asked, "do you want to give me a child?" He was honestly curious.
"I…" she blushed, "we shouldn't be talking about this topic at all."
"You started it." He reminded her.
"I..." she couldn't meet his eyes.
"I do not want our child to be a means to an end," he said gently. Thinking on his own childhood, he added in a quieter voice, "no child should bear such burdens."
Something in his tone caused her to look at him, "Yongqi…I didn't mean…"
He smiled crookedly at her and shook his head, "I know...you just want a happy ending for your brother and Qing-er. It's certainly a goal we all share. Still, when the time comes for our child, I want you to be happy too."
"Too?"
"I would, of course, be ecstatic."
She flushed again and hid her face in her hands. "I don't think I'm ready to be a mother." Her words were muffled but still he heard.
"And you think I'm ready to be a father?"
She lifted her head a little, so that her surprised eyes showed over the tops of her fingers.
"If we were to ask ErKang and ZiWei, I'm sure they'd tell you that they weren't ready to be parents either."
"But…they've both so capable and …"
"They did have many months to get used to the idea before Dong-er made his way into the world." He pulled her hands completely away from her face and kissed the tip of her nose, "we'll muddle through together. For now though, I just want to enjoy my time with you."
"Yongqi…"
He smiled at her, "This trip is supposed to be fun, I believe. What say you to going to the market now so that we can get started on those presents for YuanJia?"
"And ErTai and SaiYa!"
He laughed as she noticeably perked up, "Yes, we need to show them what they're missing!"
"Let's go find ErKang and ZiWei too, then we won't be completely lying to LaoFoYe."
Later that night, Yongqi found that he remained awake even when XiaoYanZi fell asleep. Carefully, he left their room with the intention of a stroll. Looking up at the stars overhead, however, a different idea came to him. Sitting on the roof, he smiled a little. XiaoYanZi, true to her name, had an affinity for heights, but she wasn't altogether wrong in that it was also a good place for reflection.
The significance of his father's insistence for his presence on this trip was not lost on him. YuanJia, he felt certain, understood what it meant that he was the only Ah Ge included. XiaoYanZi though...what had she said? That he was an oddity in his priorities? Was he truly as different as she thought? Why couldn't he have both jiangshan and meiren?
He shook his head. Such thoughts were dangerous. He knew the whispers among the officials, knew that ErKang had spoken about the matter with ZiWei, knew that the silent expectation existed. Still, knowing his own family history, he understood the dangers of assumption.
Instead, he turned his thoughts back to his sleeping wife. The idea of a child, their child...he had not allowed himself to think of the matter, because to have XiaoYanZi in his life at all still felt too good to be true at times. But, when she had mentioned the possibility, even in a different context, he suddenly wanted it to be reality. And though he would delight in a little girl with her mother's stubbornness, he knew what was at stake. It was his insistence and his father's indulgence that allowed XiaoYanZi and YuanJia to have equal rank. But a son...that would be sufficient reason for LaoFoYe to interfere and disrupt the careful equilibrium. YuanJia had done what she could to shield XiaoYanZi for now, but she could not protect XiaoYanZi forever. And...if all the suspicions come to fruition, who's to say that others would be as understanding and kind as YuanJia?
No. He needed to stop such a train of thought.
Unlike ZiWei, XiaoYanZi was not prone to brooding. But he could tell that she was genuinely worried for her brother and Qing-er. Still, he remained hopeful. It was fortunate that XiaoYanZi felt so driven to be on her best behavior in front of LaoFoYe for her brother's sake. Because ErTai had been right to point out that this trip was also a chance for XiaoYanZi to make a better impression on LaoFoYe. He could tell that his grandmother was puzzled by XiaoYanZi. But as the trip progressed, the dowager empress's gaze seemed more considerate than hostile. It helped, of course, that Qing-er and ZiWei also did what they could to emphasize XiaoYanZi's charm. He had even hear his grandmother laugh in amusement at some of XiaoYanZi's antics.
At times, he felt conflicted. He did not wish for XiaoYanZi to change too much and yet he knew she must in order to survive in the world into which she had married. The romance blossoming between her brother and Qing-er was yet another chain that bound her. He wondered, sometimes, if she ever resented him for being the reason for her cage.
He suddenly chuckled to himself. If XiaoYanZi knew this thought, she'd no doubt roll her eyes and call him an idiot again. She had made her choice, he could hear her say, in such a matter of fact tone, and he was stuck with her. What a fool he had been, to have thought at one time that it was better not to let her know how much she meant to him.
Such a quiet night, he should not waste it in such complex thoughts. Landing softly on the ground, he returned indoors and to XiaoYanZi's side. How peaceful she looked in repose. How fortunate he was to have this time with her so that she was both the first and last sight of his day. With a smile, he also fell into slumber.
He didn't mean to overhear the conversation between XiaoJian and LaoFoYe.
While FuDaRen and ErKang were nominally the two in charge of the security for their expedition, their group was too large for them not to delegate duties. That ErKang had assigned XiaoJian the task of overseeing LaoFoYe's and, in extension, Qing-er's, safety was of course purposefully done. Yongqi had not thought, however, that his grandmother would deign to speak to XiaoJian directly.
"You know of course," he heard his grandmother's voice, "that I have high hopes for Qing-er."
"LaoFoYe's care for Qing-Ge-Ge is obvious to all who witness your interactions," XiaoJian replied carefully.
"I am not blind." LaoFoYe's voice was accusatory.
Yongqi meant to walk to other parts of the garden, but something made him stay hidden behind the shrubbery.
"If I may be so bold," XiaoJian finally broke the silence, "may I ask what it is that LaoFoYe wishes for Qing-Ge-Ge?"
"Qing-er has the lineage, the wits, and the graces to be a great lady." As great as myself...those words were left unspoken but Yongqi was certain that XiaoJian still understood.
"And what of Qing-Ge-Ge's happiness?"
"Who are you to ask after her happiness?"
XiaoJian's voice remained deferential, but Yongqi could hear an undercurrent of steel, "Huang Hou Niang Niang's recent departure has emphasized to me that the women of the palace all seek the attention of one man. Not necessarily for their own sakes, of course, but they will go to any lengths to secure their goals. Qing-Ge-Ge has a kind heart, it would be a pity for such sweetness to be lost. Is it not better for her to know that she is valued, attended to, respected without ever having to fight?"
Yongqi thought it was quite clever of XiaoJian to avoid speaking of love.
Nonetheless, the dowager empress responded in a snide voice, "Your sister has certainly managed well enough in bewitching my grandson."
XiaoJian was again quiet, but when he did speak, his voice showed no sign that he was affected by LaoFoYe's attempts to elicit a negative response, "Like Zi-Wei-Ge-Ge, my sister has been fortunate in her choice of husband."
"And you would have my Qing-er abandon tradition and choose for herself as well?"
"LaoFoYe will forgive your humble servant for again speaking out of turn, but would LaoFoYe herself not have appreciated a choice?"
"How dare you!"
Still, XiaoJian added, "My thoughts are but the product of the environment in which I have lived my life. I apologize for voicing them should they offend LaoFoYe."
"But you make no apologies for thinking them."
Silence reigned again at LaoFoYe's remark.
"LaoFoYe did not rise to your current station without hardship," XiaoJian acknowledged, "being indebted to Qing-Ge-Ge for her kindness to my sister and holding admiration for Qing-Ge-Ge based on her own character and abilities, I simply want for a more peaceful life for her."
"A life with you, you mean."
XiaoJian did not deny her accusation, "In time, I hope to earn a status that would meet with LaoFoYe's hopes for Qing-Ge-Ge."
"You would have my Qing-er waste her youth waiting for a day that may never come?"
"I would not ask it of her nor am I at liberty to decide for her."
"Would your pride allow you to accept her choice should she obey me and any marriage I would wish to bestow?"
"Qing-Ge-Ge is her own person. Her decisions are deserving of my respect...however, as someone who also cares for Qing-Ge-Ge's well-being, I hope LaoFoYe will not put Qing-Ge-Ge in any situation that would bring her sorrow."
This time, the silence lasted so long that Yongqi wondered if he should interfere.
"HuangShang has not exaggerated in his description of your intelligence or eloquence."
XiaoJian knew well that her remark did not require a response.
"You speak of being the product of your environment." LaoFoYe continued, "I too am the product of my upbringing. I am too old and too set in my ways to keep up with you youngsters."
"That LaoFoYe can learn to accept Zi-Wei-Ge-Ge and even tolerate my sister surely speaks otherwise."
"Listening to the rumors about you, I would have expected you to be above flattery."
"I merely provide my interpretation of what I observe."
"Hmm...go and summon LingFei for me. I find myself in need of companionship."
"As LaoFoYe wishes." If XiaoJian felt any resentment at being treated as an errand-boy, he was careful to keep it out of his voice.
Yongqi did not hide soon enough and XiaoJian saw him. In silent agreement, they did not speak until they were out of the garden and in the myriad of corridors of the estate.
Yongqi would never admit it, even under duress, but XiaoJian has always intimidated him and not solely because he was XiaoYanZi's brother.
And so he apologized quickly, "I did not mean to eavesdrop."
XiaoJian just shrugged, "the gardens are a public space."
"What you said to LaoFoYe...I do not think anyone has ever dared to speak so to her."
"Then I hope LaoFoYe finds it more refreshing than offensive."
"You are right about one thing though, she does care very much about Qing-ex's well-being."
"We both really want the same thing," XiaoJian sighed, "only our definition of what's best for Qing-er differs too drastically."
"And Qing-er herself?"
XiaoJian's expression softened, "I would do much to ensure that she does not feel torn in two. The life I have led...I know I can be selfish. Having had no one but myself to think of for many years...but watching XiaoYanZi…"
He paused before looking at Yongqi, "Do not mistake me, I see your care of my sister too. Before Qing-er...I was a stranger to matters of the heart. Being a close observer to the way ErKang and ErTai treat their wives, however, I have had opportunities to learn. Watching you with my sister has also been educational."
Yongqi knew that those words were probably the closest to approval he would receive. "Thank you."
XiaoJian nodded. "I want so much…"
He trailed off, but Yongqi felt he understood, "It would be easy for you to take Qing-er with you and disappear into the jianghu."
"Easy? Mayhaps...but such action would endanger the rest of you, especially XiaoYanZi. I have a responsibility to her and to everyone else too...and Qing-er...she will always bear the burden of being unfilial. How can I, who claim to care for her, ask it of her?"
"But the two of you also cannot drag on as you have, perhaps indefinitely."
"Hence I am glad LaoFoYe chose to speak with me today. She acknowledges, at least, that something exists between me and Qing-er. For good or ill, she knows my intent."
Yongqi did not think that it was a coincidence that news of XiaoYanZi's own pregnancy shortly after their return to BeiJing should also herald an elevation of XiaoJian's titles and, finally, an edict of marriage from LaoFoYe. XiaoYanZi, of course, thought only that the emperor had bestowed such honors in recognition of her brother's own talents and as reward for his work during their trip. Her supposition was not without truth; the emperor did indeed favor XiaoJian as he did the Fu siblings. But Yongqi suspected that the promise of not one, but two, possible heirs did much to reassure LaoFoYe that despite all her oddities, XiaoYanZi could still perform her duty.
In retrospect, he should have expected tragedy to strike. Too many things had gone successfully; the boons that the heavens had granted them surely did not come without a cost.
The day started innocently enough. YuanJia had gone to CiNingGong. Since Qing-er's marriage, such visits had grown even more common. The nainiang brought the fussing two week old babe to XiaoYanZi. Aside from YuanJia, XiaoYanZi seemed to be the only one who could soothe the child. Rather than return the slumbering babe, XiaoYanZi cuddled with the child and ended up napping herself. Yongqi had smiled at the sweet sight and retreated to the study rather than disrupt their rest.
Over the course of the next few days, however, the babe developed a fever that did not resolve with the typical remedies. The concerned expression on HuTaiYi's face only added to Yongqi's anxiety. When XiaoYanZi went into labor, all Yongqi felt was fear because it was much too early. He waited for a baby's cry that never came. Instead, the passing of both little AhGe's within a few hours of each other plunged JingYangGong into silence.
ZiWei and Qing-er were both frequent visitors. Yongqi could tell by their expressions, however, that not much was gained. XiaoYanZi at least let him hold her as she wept, but YuanJia...YuanJia remained stoically, woodenly, expressionless.
Yongqi also grieved. Seeing ErKang and ErTai only reminded him that their children lived while his did not. He was thankful when XiaoJian visited and wordlessly set down a flask of wine on the table. He drank, but the numbness he expected was already present even before the wine touched his lips.
Watching as his wives comforted one another on the unforgiving floor, he was finally moved to action.
"It's all my fault…" YuanJia murmured through her tears, "If I had paid more attention...jiejie wouldn't have gotten ill too. It's all my fault…"
"No!" Yongqi modulated the harshness of his voice at the shock on their faces. Clearing his own throat of the tears that still lingered, he declared as firmly as he could, "There is no fault to be assigned. Even if there is, I must also shoulder a part of it. I should not have neglected the two of you...our losses...they are ours. None of us should bear the sorrow alone."
Time passed and joy creeped back into JingYangGong. Catching a glimpse of YuanJia's giggling as XiaoYanZi purposefully exaggerated dance moves that YuanJia was attempting to teach, Yongqi deviated from his course.
"You can't dance without some music." Handing her xiao to XianYanZi, he raised his own to his lips and started the tune they had once played for ErTai.
As YuanJia danced to the duet, as he saw the light return to XiaoYanZi's eyes, he felt his heart lighten; JingYangGong felt like home again.
"I think I'm cursed," YuanJia whispered to him, her eyes shadowed.
"Nonsense," he tried to say as he wrapped an arm about her.
She shook her head, "It must be heaven's way of telling me that I don't belong...you and jiejie, you deserve…" her voice faded as her tears overwhelmed her.
"Nonsense," he said again as he helped wipe at her tears, "you are part of this family, YuanJia. These years...you cannot doubt that…"
She shook her head again, "You and jiejie, your kindness...I have known happiness...but...I know, if given a choice, you would choose each other. And jiejie...she has such a large heart, to have included me...she deserves the same happiness that ZiWei Ge Ge and Qing-Ge-Ge both have. I took it away from both of you. The heavens must know it too, why else would it take another child from me if not to punish me for being somewhere I ought not be?"
"You don't really believe that...YuanJia, you are distressed right now. Let us help you, support you."
"I do not deserve it."
"Oh YuanJia."
"It's not fair…" her voice was barely audible through her tears.
No, Yongqi thought to himself, it really wasn't. Not fair that sweet, gentle, agreeable YuanJia should suffer so. Not fair that she blamed herself. Not fair that their son, who was born sickly and, they soon discovered, blind, should have left them after only two years on this earth. How hopeful everyone had been and then how devastated when they realized the poor child's deficits. Still, they loved him. All three of them.
"It's not fair…" YuanJia repeated herself.
Yongqi realized that it was the first time he had ever heard her utter any dissatisfaction. She should not be punished. She who also sacrificed. She who chose the more difficult path in not only recognizing but appreciating and protecting the special bond between him and XiaoYanZi. If XiaoYanZi deserved to know that same happiness as ZiWei and Qing-er, does not YuanJia deserve the same?
Exhausted from her grief, YuanJia fell asleep in his arms. He placed her carefully on the bed and tucked the beddings around her. He spent a moment, just looking at her. No, it really wasn't fair.
Something ZiWei had once said sounded in his memory, "Huang Hou Niang Niang had told me, before she returned to BeiJing, that all the women in the palace live lives of tragedy."
How much he wanted to prevent such words from becoming reality for YuanJia.
"How is she?"
Of course XiaoYanZi was pacing in the small courtyard outside YuanJia's quarters.
He just shook his head.
She wrung her hands, "It cannot be healthy for her or the babies she is carrying."
He sighed, "She is distraught."
"With good reason."
He nodded.
XiaoYanZi sighed, "What are we to do?"
"As we always have, support each other."
XiaoYanZi nodded, "We knew this day would come, Uncle Hu had warned us...but such knowledge doesn't make reality any easier, does it?"
"No, not at all."
She reached out and held his hand, "We will make it through, together."
Her genuine optimism, even at such a time, caused him to smile a little.
YuanJia's spirits recovered slowly; she did not repeat the sentiments she had expressed to Yongqi, at least not ever to him. He wondered if she confessed to Qing-er her darkest thoughts. He wanted to believe that her words were just drawn from her acute sorrows, but he suspected that they were not new.
Months later, when Hu Tai Yi exited the birthing chamber somber of face, Yongqi knew that his words would confer terrible tidings.
After Hu Tai Yi described the situation as concisely as he could, he added, "She is requesting a private audience with Wu Ah Ge."
"Of course."
He noticed first that no servants were present. He noticed next just how pale she looked.
"I will not be your burden anymore," she whispered to him, worn in body as well as spirit after the birth of the twins, only one of whom cried with the breath of life.
"You were never a burden," he reassured her.
"I know jiejie will take good care of MianYi. I know she will care for him as her own blood. I know you will be a good Ah Ma. Tell MianYi I am sorry but that...I will be waiting for him, with his brothers...tell him...I am sorry that I could not stay…"
He clasped her hands in his, shocked at how how weak her grasp was, "We will."
A lone tear slid down her cheek, "Yongqi…"
She paused, "I never dared say your name...but now, in our last moments...I think I can afford to take the liberty, don't you?"
"Oh YuanJia."
"I have no regrets now...will you...will you bring in MianYi?"
"Of course."
YuanJia looked at the scrunched up little face as it peaked out from the bundle sheltered in XiaoYanZi's arms. "My MianYi…"
"Jiejie…you are his E Niang now…"
"He will know all about you, I promise, YuanJia. I will not let him forget the wonderful person that gave him life."
YuanJia nodded gratefully, her vision blurred from her tears. Her gaze still fixed on that little face...and so, one hand cradled in Yongqi's and the other held firmly in XiaoYanZi's, YuanJia let the darkness claim her.
Life with a healthy child was a new experience for everyone in JingYangGong. MianYi, though, seemed to have inherited both his father's steadiness and his mother's thoughtfulness. A more even tempered babe surely did not exist.
YuanJia's absence was also felt. Yongqi had not realized until she was gone just how much YuanJia had helped serve as a buffer when he and XiaoYanZi's opinions clashed. Still, they both acclimated. Their marriage and their understanding of each other grew stronger each time they reconciled.
So it was that as he held her in his arms and felt her fists drive into his chest, he understood her fear. And in that moment, the startling truth came to him. He had everything he wanted. It was no longer just about choosing between jiangshan and meiren, though his father and grandmother will probably see it in such simple terms. But it wasn't so simple. The choice was also about the type of life he wanted for MianYi, for XiaoYanZi, for himself. It was about preventing further tragedies.
And so he vowed to her and to himself.
The emperor told him to reconsider. Yongqi agreed of course, but he suspected that his father also knew that the answer would stay the same.
XiaoYanZi's pregnancy proved fortuitous as a convenient excuse to refuse his grandmother's plans.
Aside from some early nausea, quickly soothed under Hu Tai Yi and XiaoGeZi's expert care, XiaoYanZi seemed to glow with life. It became a reassuring habit to place his hand over her abdomen to try to feel his child moving.
"He's most active today," XiaoYanZi complained.
"She surely takes after her mother."
XiaoYanZi scoffed, "You are strange, most princes wish for sons."
"You yourself had called me an oddity."
XiaoYanZi's reply was cut short, however, as he exclaimed in joy at the kick he felt against his hand.
When he glance up at her, excitement written over his features, he saw her expression soften. What could he do but kiss her?
"Yongqi…"
"That's Rong Qing Wang to you," he murmured playfully.
She swatted at him, "don't be ridiculous."
He chuckled and kissed her again. Yes, he had everything he wanted.