Replacement: AU in which ZiWei grew up in the Palace
ZiWei, 7-Ge-Ge, has very little memory of her birth mother. She was told that Xia Gui Ren had been a beautiful, sweet, and gifted lady. Sometimes, when she played the guqing, she thought she could hear the echo of someone else playing the same song and a feeling of peace would descend. As she grew older, she was told that with each passing year, she looked more and more like her birth mother. She wondered, at times, if her Huang Ah Ma showed her such favor because of the resemblance.
The favor could also have come from the identity of her foster mother. The Empress Fucha was all kindness such that ZiWei found very little lacking in her childhood. Huang E Niang was truly befitting her title as mother of the country. She was warm, steady, and fair. Perhaps only ZiWei saw the private moments during which the Empress showed the weight of the responsibilities on her. The rare wistfulness in the Empress's eyes always reminded ZiWei that the same illness that had stolen her birth mother had also stolen the Empress's son.
ZiWei did her best to be a good daughter. She was indebted to her foster mother, yes, but she also loved the Empress as a true mother. From all she had heard about Xia Gui Ren's nature, ZiWei rather thought that her birth mother would forgive her. Particularly as the Empress never treated ZiWei any differently than she treated her own daughter, 3-Ge-Ge. ZiWei was grateful, sometimes, that 3-Ge-Ge was so much older and had already married by the time ZiWei was brought to the Empress, because ZiWei herself was a sickly child. It tore at her heart, to see the Empress's furrowed brows each time the Royal Physicians were summoned to care for the ill princess. The maids no doubt did their best to keep the Empress from fretting and caring for the princess personally, but the Empress could be stubborn when she wished to be.
ZiWei's fragile health isolated her from the other royal children until the age of ten. The Royal Physicians could find no cause for so sudden a change but after a year, and then another, and yet another passed without so much as a cold disrupting ZiWei's daily life, they simply congratulated the Empress and the princess on so miraculous a change. Such flattering words they used, indicating that the Empress's goodness surely moved the very heavens. Huang E Niang was gracious enough in front of the physicians, but afterwards, exchanged amused looks with ZiWei.
By then, ZiWei was well practiced at keeping her silence and using her frailty to observe those around her. And as the Empress's ward, she saw plenty about life in the Inner Court that made her doubt the nature of man. That Huang E Niang could continue to uphold a life of simplicity and principal made ZiWei proud. That Huang E Niang was again with child she saw as just rewards. Surely no one else was more deserving.
But the child did not live. And Huang E Niang, lying so still, her face so pale, did not seem like she wished to live.
The Empress stirred slightly as ZiWei exchanged the towel on her forehead. She attempted a smile, but it was a pale imitation that made ZiWei's heart clench painfully.
"ZiWei, child...you should rest."
ZiWei shook her head, "Huang E Niang has spent many years looking after me in this way…"
The Empress sighed, "you are too much like me, ZiWei."
"Huang E Niang does me great honor."
"It is not necessarily a good thing."
ZiWei kept silent.
The Empress looked like she wanted to say more, but then shook her head, "Will you play for me, ZiWei?"
The Empress lingered for another month, but ZiWei could tell, in the faraway look in Huang E Niang's eyes as she listened to ZiWei's songs, that she had already lost a mother for the second time.
ZiWei was given Shu Fang Zhai for her new living quarters. It was much too grand for the daughter of a mere Gui Ren. But Empres Fucha had commanded enough respect in her life that the court had grown used to thinking of 7-Ge-Ge as the Empress's child. She should be grateful, ZiWei knew, but as she stood in the courtyard of her new home and felt MingYue and CaiXia bustle about her, she only felt deep grief.
She did her best to smile for her Huang Ah Ma, to indicate her satisfaction with all that he had bestowed upon her. She also tried her best to provide sound counsel when her father seemed like he needed a calm word. She would honor her Huang E Niang.
She overheard Huang Ah Ma say once, when Gao-gong-gong suggested that it was improper to share so much matters of state with a mere princess, that she may be Xia Yu He in the flesh but she was all Fucha Rongyin in spirit. He meant it as a compliment, no doubt, but for the first time, ZiWei felt a spark of resentment. She was surely more than a replacement for her mothers.
She pushed the feeling away resolutely. Her father cared for her. In so big a place as the palace, it ought not matter the reason for the emperor's regard.
She lived a quiet life, doing her best to stay clear of any intrigues as the concubines vied for favor. Huang E Niang had been buried but a week when gifts started arriving at Shu Fang Zhai. ZiWei returned all of them. Her grandmother, to whom the responsibilities of the Inner Court had fallen, was surely aware. The Dowager Empress was a shrewd woman who nonetheless could respect the young princess's gesture. She rather thought it was a futile effort, but as the child's conviction did not seem to lessen over the year of mourning, found herself thinking that perhaps 7-Ge-Ge was in possession of more backbone than either of her mothers.
Slowly, gradually, ZiWei faded into the fabric of palace life. She convinced most to see her as just another princess, powerless but also harmless. She wasn't aware that someone other than the Dowager Empress was observing and watching the entire time.
Fucha ErKang had been summoned by his aunt shortly before her death. He had been told since young that he very closely resembled his nineth uncle. When Fucha Fuheng perished in battle, his sister grieved. ErKang, who had always been a favorite nephew, found that the Empress became even more concerned with his education and future. His nature demanded that he did not disappoint her. And so, when she asked that he look after 7-Ge-Ge, he agreed without hesitation.
His position as head of the Royal Guards meant that he could ensure her physical protection. But, being familiar with her nature, he couldn't help but worry that she would fall prey to plots that he could not foresee. As he observed her, however, he realized that his concern may be misplaced. He couldn't help but be impressed at the deftness with which she managed to arrange protection for herself. He had known her to be sweet and considerate in the few encounters they had. He did not think that she could hide behind that reputation and make herself seem so insignificant.
He didn't realize he felt anything more than duty or admiration for her until the emperor issued an edict of marriage. He didn't have any particular opinions about 6-Ge-Ge, yet when he held the royal proclamation in his hand, he couldn't help but feel anything but honored.
He came back to the palace that night, hiding in the shadows that the ornaments on her roof cast. He watched her. How content she looked as she leaned her head against a post, her eyes fixated on the moon and stars. He could see her lips moving and wondered what poetry she had thought to recite. Or maybe a poem that she created. How at home she looked among the blossoms that surrounded her. How very aptly named she was. His nails dug into his palm as he fought against the compulsion to fly down and sit next to her and hear her voice. When she returned indoors, he also quietly left, the memories of the evening locked quietly away.
And then 6-Ge-Ge died. The illness came so swiftly such that he barely knew she was ill before she was gone. His many uncles and aunts looked on him with pity, but he only felt relieved. He wasn't so uncouth as to feel happy about the princess's death, but…
As he watched ZiWei walk among the chrysanthemums in the Imperial Gardens, pausing here and there to collect a few into her basket, he felt his feet move in her direction.
"Is Ge Ge planning to make tea?"
She smiled and nodded, "They are so plentiful, it would be a shame to allow them simply to wither."
He could feel the eyes of her maids on him. They kept a respectful distance to allow their conversation and seemed to be preoccupied with their own tasks, but he could tell they were vigilant in their watch over their charge. That she could inspire such loyalty was surely a testament to her treatment of her servants.
"Ge Ge is very practical."
ZiWei smiled again, "I am personally not very fond of chrysanthemum tea, but both Huang Ah Ma and Lao Fo Ye are."
"Ge Ge is very filial."
"I have very little responsibilities. Such a task is not above my abilities." She deflected his praise easily.
Their conversation might have ended but for her next comment, "6 jiejie was always fond of chrysanthemums."
The look she gave him was so very understanding.
"Was she?"
She tilted her head, "did you not know?"
"I knew very little about 6-Ge-Ge's preferences."
"But she was to be your wife," the comment escaped her before she could help it. She scolded herself, she was usually much more careful.
"Forgive me," she added quickly.
"Do you think a husband ought to know such things about his wife?"
She blinked at the directness of his question. "I have no right to comment on the matter."
"Do you wish your husband to know such things about you?"
Her eyes widened at so personal an inquiry. The intent way he looked at her, however, encouraged her to answer. "I would wish to know such things about my husband."
She looked away from him then and busied herself with examining the blooms on the next bush.
He studied her carefully, the slight flush of her cheeks the only sign that she was not as composed as she seemed. Very well then.
"What sort of tea does Ge Ge prefer?"
"Usually white tea, particularly the silver needle" she answered easily, "though occasionally I find myself craving a bit of Pu-er."
He had expected her first answer, having long thought that the delicate nature of white tea suited her. But her second answer…
"So strong and so bitter a tea…"
"But refreshing and grounding."
Their conversation was not long and never strayed far from the matter of tea, but he found that his mood was brightened the rest of the day.
Over the subsequent months, he tried to find other opportunities to converse with her. But though he had some freedom to roam about the palace, he knew his limits. Shu Fang Zhai very much lay outside those limits. When Lao Fo Ye requested ZiWei's company for her sojourn in the mountains to pray for the well being of the country, he despaired...until the first snow fell and the emperor, worried for his mother and his daughter's health, ordered a cart laden with extra supplies to be sent to the monastery. It was fortuitous that he assigned the task to ErKang.
ErKang's heart pounded as the monastery came into view. It had been too long since he had seen her.
As he handed the emperor's letter to Lao Fo Ye's maid, he willed himself not to let his eyes stray.
The Dowager Empress put down the list of items she had been examining, "it's of course useless to tell my son that we are well prepared."
"Huang Ah Ma is only performing his filial duty," ZiWei remarked gently.
"Hmmp...and so he takes advantage of ErKang's youthful health to make so long and cold a journey?"
"It is my honor," ErKang spoke, "to serve the emperor."
"Foolishness. ZiWei, do see to it that he rests adequately before he makes the return trip tomorrow?"
"It has already been arranged, Lao Fo Ye."
"Good. Now then, read what my son has to say to me. My eyes are not what they used to be."
"Of course."
Knowing he had been dismissed, ErKang bowed himself out. His couldn't help but smile, however, at hearing her voice. Even the small glance he allowed himself was enough.
Knowing that she was near, however, made him feel restless, and so he rose from bed and made for the small plum orchard that he had spied earlier that day.
The red blossoms were such a contrast to the white of the snow that he found himself being moved to speak.
"You are quite the poet."
He whirled around to see ZiWei standing only a few paces away.
"Ge Ge, it is much too cold for you to be out…"
She shook her head, "I can say much the same for you."
"I am of sturdier disposition."
"Still...Lao Fo Ye had tasked me with your well being. How shall I face her if you catch cold?"
"And Huang Shang had been specific in his request that I remind Ge Ge of her own health."
"And so we find ourselves at a stalemate."
He smiled at hearing her laugh.
"Still, so beautiful are these blossoms that I would wish to linger a few moments longer." She turned towards the branch closest to her and murmured her own lines of poetry.
"My skills surely pale in comparison to yours."
She laughed at him again, "certainly not. Your reputation precedes you as one of the most gifted students JiShiFu has had the pleasure of teaching."
"Ge Ge exaggerates."
"I only report faithfully what JiShiFu himself has said."
"Empress Fucha herself directed much of my education."
Her smile gained a tinge of sadness as her eyes again surveyed their surroundings, "Huang E Niang would have loved such a view."
"I wonder that we do not know each other better." He did not wish to be the cause of her melancholy.
"You are six years my senior...by the time the taiyis trusted in the recovery of my health, you were already Huang Ah Ma's guard. That our paths did not cross often is to be expected."
"I wish they could have...if only so I might compare my literary skills with yours."
She laughed again, "you are determined to honor these blossoms."
"Only if Ge Ge is not too cold."
"I think I can bear it a moment longer."
They strolled through the orchard, trading quotes as well as original compositions.
"How did you come to be here without accompaniment?" He thought to ask in a moment of quiet.
"Ge Ge?" He paused in his step to look at her when she did not reply immediately.
"Sometimes…" she said quietly, "my thoughts become too jumbled for me to sleep."
"What thoughts can distress you so?"
"They do not cause distress, not really...they are just...unsettling."
He wanted to press the issue, but knew it was not his place. "If Ge Ge is in need of a friend…"
She blinked at him, "are we friends?"
"I would like to be. And I think...Empress Fucha would have agreed." It was almost unfair, to use his aunt's name in such a way.
ZiWei inclined her head, "Yes, I do believe Huang E Niang would have."
She then smiled, "if we are to be friends, you must call me ZiWei."
"Ge Ge…" he made a poor effort at protesting.
"ZiWei," she said firmly.
"ZiWei," he parroted obediently, trying not to shudder at the intimacy that he was allowed.
"And what name shall I call you?"
Husband, his mind helpfully supplied. He ignored it as well as he could, "ErKang would be fine."
"Very well, ErKang it is."
She had no idea how much he wanted to kiss her then and there. He clenched his fists within his sleeves.
"We have tarried long in the cold. I would be remiss in my duty to Huang Shang if I did not caution you regarding your health."
"Likewise, I must allow you rest before your return journey….good night, ErKang."
"Good night...ZiWei."
With a last smile, she left him as quietly as she had appeared. This time, he was all too aware of her presence and then, of her absence. He stood in the orchard only a moment more before breaking off a small branch of blossoms.
They flowers graced his table for the next week before withering. His mother, noticing her son's enjoyment of the blossoms, arranged to have fresh ones replace them. It wasn't quite the same, ErKang decided, but the sight of them helped sustain him through much of the winter.
Spring brought her return. Though he could not go see her openly, the knowledge that she was nearby again cheered him.
Spring also brought about the annual hunt. His good mood enabled him to win the most number of captured prey. And so, when the emperor summoned him for an audience on their return, he thought logically that he was to be praised for such an accomplishment.
Instead, he found the emperor to be more somber than jovial.
"We have been reminded recently, that we have neglected to rearrange for your marriage."
"Cheng understands that HuangShang wished to mourn 6-Ge-Ge."
"Yes...we had always hoped to have you as an E Fu."
"HuangShang thinks too favorably of me."
The emperor waved aside his comments, "Huang E Niang reminded us that ZiWei has also come of age…"
ErKang felt his heart stutter.
"We do owe you a princess."
"7-Ge-Ge is most dear to HuangShang…"
"Yes…hence we believe we are doing right in entrusting her to you."
"Cheng will not disappoint Huang Shang."
"ShuFangZhai will always remain hers. You will allow her to return for visits."
"Of course," ErKang agreed easily.
The emperor sighed, "very well then. We shall make it official tomorrow."
ErKang felt dazed as he rose to leave. Just as he reached the door, he had a sudden thought and turned around, "HuangShang...does 7-Ge-Ge know?"
"Huang E Niang planned to speak with her today."
"I see." ErKang bowed once more.
He returned to Shi Fang Zhai that night, again lighting on her roof quietly. She was sitting in her favorite corner again, her head bolstered by the post. Her expression was difficult for him to read. He hoped that she was happy at the news. He knew he was. Deliriously so. Perhaps that was why he dropped down to the ground in front of her.
"ErKang!" Her head shot upright as she stared at him.
"You should not be here…" she added when she recovered from her initial shock.
"I know I should not...but I wanted to reassure myself that….that…" he didn't know how to complete the thought.
"Huang Ah Ma owes your family a princess." She said flatly.
He frowned, "HuangShang owes us nothing."
She looked away from him.
"ZiWei…" he daringly reached out to hold her hand.
Her gaze turned back to him as she gasped, but he would not let her draw back her hand.
"ZiWei…" he said again, just savoring the feel of her name on his lips, "I've lied to you."
"What?"
"When I said I wanted to be friends...in truth, I wanted, and still want, so much more."
"What are you saying?"
"You are no one's replacement. Heavens...ZiWei, had I married 6-Ge-Ge...I would have spent the rest of my days thinking she was a poor replacement for you!"
"I…"
"I knew nothing of 6-Ge-Ge's preferences...but you...ZiWei, I know you prefer lotus fillings to red bean in your sweets, I know that you like the smell of the air after a rainstorm, I know that lightening fascinates rather than frighten you, I know that you are a genius at weiqi but made light of your skills so as not to draw attention to yourself, I know that you feel that you must live up to the legacy of both your mothers, I know that you yearn to be seen as yourself…"
"Stop...please…"
He complied, breathing heavily, as though he had completed the most difficult of his martial sequences.
"How could you possibly…I have never even voiced…"
"Because I promised Empress Fucha to look after you."
"Oh…"
"But also because...ZiWei, you matter to me. I have watched you, studied you, because...because I wanted to understand you. And ...and I wished to share with you that I do understand. I too live under the weight of a legacy. I too grow tired of the lengths people will go for power and prestige."
When she remained silent, he admitted, "I want...I want to be your friend, your confidant, your strength...I want...I want to marry you."
"And what would you have me do or say?"
"Nothing, I just want you to be yourself."
She was silent, her gaze hidden from his, for a long moment. Her voice, when she did speak, gained more strength, "your favorite color is lavender, even though your brother teases you for liking such a feminine color. Your favorite food is lamb but the sight of chicken feet makes your skin crawl. You are not one for sweets…" she locked gaze with him, "you feel obligated to enter the army, because that is what you think is expected of you. But you would not be happy. Because you could not kill simply because it is your duty."
"ZiWei…" he clenched both of her hands in his.
She smiled at him before saying, "you should not be here…"
"I know…"
"You are not yet my husband."
He laughed at the glint in her eyes. "But soon."
"Yes."
He squeezed her hands, "not soon enough."