Selfish: HZGG3 AU in which XiaoYanZi doesn't lose her child
"I'm...I'm pregnant?"
HuTaiYi nodded, "gongxi GeGe."
Yongqi also couldn't believe his ears, "HuTaiYi, you're sure?"
The Royal Physician nodded, "by my estimation, GeGe is no more than two months along, but yes, I am certain."
Yongqi could feel a wide grin spread across his face, "XiaoYanZi! Did you hear? We're going to be parents!"
XiaoYanZi was still in a state of shock, "pregnant? But...but how?"
HuTaiYi coughed at her question even as Yongqi flushed.
"GeGe must take care...it's still early that if GeGe hadn't been caught, I fear the child may well have been lost."
Yongqi immediately sombered, "what else should we watch for?"
After the royal physician left, Yongqi returned his attention to his still shell-shocked wife.
"XiaoYanZi?"
"Yongqi…" she placed a hand on her abdomen, "a child…"
He intertwined his fingers with her, "Yes, our child."
"How…"
He smiled a little as he pressed a kiss to her lips, "You really don't know?"
"I…" she blushed but then frowned, "and I almost lost it."
Before he could react, she hit herself. "What's wrong with me? I'm surely unfit to be a mother. I almost killed my own child!"
Yongqi grabbed her wrists to stop her, "XiaoYanZi, stop."
"But it's true, isn't it?"
"It's not true. I for one think you'll be a wonderful ENiang."
"But…"
"If you must blame someone, then blame me. I have not been a good husband nor a good AhMa. I failed to protect you and our child. If your brother hadn't caught you…"
"But you didn't know."
"You didn't either."
"I...I should have, surely?"
Yongqi pressed a kiss to her brow, "HuTaiYi said it's still early and it's reasonable for you not to have had any symptoms."
"Yongqi...I'm scared."
"Of what?"
"I don't know how to be an ENiang. I never had one, you know. And...and I can barely take care of myself! How am I to take care of so helpless a creature as a baby?"
"We've got months to prepare," he squeezed her hand, "besides, we've got ZiWei and ErKang to show us how, no?"
She allowed his words to calm her, "Yes…"
Seeing the furrow between her brows smooth, he kissed her again, "I am so very happy."
Her expression softened, "you will be such a good AhMa."
"And you will be a good ENiang." Caught up in deepening the kiss, he missed the fact that she had made no sounds of agreement.
"With child?" LaoFoYe felt her annoyance dissipate, "Truly?"
ZiWei nodded, "HuTaiYi said mother and child are both well."
LingFei nodded as well, "thank heavens. Those books had been my duty, had I known XiaoYanZi was with child, I never would have let her...as it is, we have XiaoJian to thank. HuTaiYi said that if XiaoYanZi hasn't been caught…"
LaoFoYe spared a glance at the young man. "Indeed?"
XiaoJian did not like the way the dowager empress looked at him and could feel a tendril of anger rise, "XiaoYanZi is my sister, the only blood kin I have left. It is my duty as her brother to protect her."
"XiaoYanZi is a member of the royal family, surely such responsibilities do not fall to a commoner like you."
Sensing XiaoJian's disquiet, ErKang took a step forward but Qing-er beat him to speaking.
"It's been a trying morning for all of us. LaoFoYe, the important thing is that XiaoYanZi and the child are both fine. I'm more worried about all those books. Fortunately the storm passed quickly and the sun is shining again."
LaoFoYe's expression lost a little of its severity, "I remember when you were a little girl, CangShuLou was one of your favorite places. You'd even miss whole meals after disappear into its depth."
Qing-er smiled a little in remembrance, "and so, with LaoFoYe's permission, Qing-er would like to help everyone with the clean up."
"Why should you have to clean up XiaoYanZi's mess?"
"LaoFoYe," Qing-er cajoled, "those texts aren't just in Manchu and Han, but also in Mongolian and many other languages. Qing-er doesn't dare claim to be an expert, but as LaoFoYe noted, Qing-er does have great familiarity with CangShuLou."
LaoFoYe didn't want to give permission, but she couldn't deny the logic of Qing-er's words. "Very well, but I fully expect you back in CiNingGong before the sun sets."
Qing-er agreed easily and watched as LingFeiNiangNiang helped LaoFoYe depart.
HuangHou NiangNiang looked at the group of youngsters carefully. She said nothing beyond calling for RongMoMo before departing as well.
Qing-er breathed a sigh of relief as she turned towards her friends, "let's go. We still have a task to complete."
The sun was just beginning to set when the last book was put away and the indices carefully stored.
Qing stretched out her fingers, "just in time."
ErKang massaged ZiWei's fingers for her, "they must be sore. You and Qing-er wrote so much today. I should have thought to get some soothing salve from HuTaiYi before we left JinYangGong."
"I'm fine. You and XiaoJian also worked tirelessly."
He shook his head, "we're martial trained. This level of effort is well within our abilities."
Qing-er smiled at their sweetness even as she stood, "I'd better go, else LaoFoYe won't let me join you in the future for other endeavors."
"We'll walk you back." ZiWei offered.
Qing-er just shook her head, "no need. ZiWei, you should rest. You're taking care of not just yourself now, you know."
"I'll walk you back."
She looked at XiaoJian but his expression ensured that the protest died on her lips.
They walked in silence at first.
"LaoFoYe didn't mean…"
"Qing-er…"
They paused as their words overlapped. She gestured for him to speak.
"Thank you for finding a way to stay."
She looked at her feet shyly.
"Even though I am but a commoner."
She looked up at him with a frown, "you're still angry."
"Wouldn't you be?"
She sighed, "LaoFoYe didn't mean to be disparaging."
"Doesn't she? These years...she may say that she has accepted XiaoYanZi, but when push came to shove, she still holds reservations."
"Wouldn't you?"
"What?"
"Think of it from LaoFoYe's perspective. She sees it as her responsibility to uphold the proper image for the whole royal family. From her perspective, XiaoYanZi has no background, no formal education, nothing solid on which she could be judged. Not only that...since YuFei passed, she personally took WuAhGe's education in hand, And XiaoYanZi... she had caused WuAhGe to abandon everything he's ever been taught. If you were her, would you not also be suspicious?"
"Is that how you see it?!"
Her frown deepened and she couldn't help but be hurt at his accusatory tone.
Her feelings must have shown in her expression because he immediately apologized.
She shook her head, "I am LaoFoYe's xinfu. Of anyone, I understand her the best. But...though in my world she is at once parent and god, her thoughts are not always my own."
"I'm sorry," he repeated.
Qing-er just sighed and resumed walking.
"What did you wish to say?" He broke the silence.
"I…" Qing-er didn't know how to share with him the conflict within herself. And so, she settled upon a question. "Why did you stay?"
"You know why."
Yes, she did. And yet... "There are some days I wish you didn't."
"Qing-er?"
She found it hard to look at him. "Those books today...writing down those titles...I am reminded of who I am."
"What do you mean?"
"I am of the AisinQioro clan. I have responsibilities to more than myself. These stolen moments with you...I've been selfish."
"What are you saying?"
"I want to know why." Summoning her courage, she looked at him. "Why is it that we've known each other for two years now and I still feel like I don't truly know you?"
"Must you know everything about me?"
"Don't I have a right to know? You certainly know everything about me. Even the matter with ErKang I have not kept from you. And yet...you still remain a mystery to me in some ways."
He was quiet before saying, "I always tried my hardest to avoid forming attachments. Meeting XiaoYanZi and all her friends...I found myself caught despite my own best judgement. And then, meeting you...I…"
"I too was reminded today," he told her, "as you went through those titles with such expertise, of just who you are."
And that was one of the problems, wasn't it? A difference of value that not just prevented LaoFoYe from wholly accepting XiaoYanZi but also caused the distance between them. "You are like XiaoYanZi more than you care to admit. Yongqi's title, my title...in your eyes they are things to overcome."
"It's not the titles themselves."
"Then what is it?"
"I...I can't tell you."
"Why not?"
He didn't have a good answer for her.
She shook her head and resumed walking. She had found it curious that he had refused HuangShang's offers of a position. At first, she thought it was because he wanted to earn it based on his own merits rather than gain it through his connection to XiaoYanZi alone. Such independence was to be admired. She realized soon enough that he possessed enough pride to make her conjecture plausible. As time passed, however, she wondered if he had other reasons. Surely he must have realized that he could have made XiaoYanZi's standing much more secure if he took a position? He didn't grow up in the same environment, but he ought to be intelligent enough to understand. And if he wanted to be with her...was that not also the path of least resistance?
It wasn't her place to question him. All the manuals she read growing up told her that she was but a woman, meant to follow the directions of the men in her life. And despite herself, her heart had chosen him even before she met him in person. But...
The way ErKang always protected ZiWei, the way Yongqi always gave in even to XiaoYanZi's most ridiculous ideas...was she wrong to hope XiaoJian loved her enough to put aside whatever caused him to reject such an option?
"Qing-er."
His image was blurred and she raised her fingers to her eyes, surprised to find herself crying.
XiaoJian didn't know what to do at the sight of her tears.
"Qing-er, I…"
She wiped away her own tears. "I am tired."
"Qing-er…"
"You'd better leave before we raise any suspicion."
"Qing-er…" he wanted to stop her from walking away, but didn't know how.
His relief when she turned briefly to look at him was short lived.
"You should know that XiaoYanZi owes you more than you think for saving her and her child today."
She was careful to remove all signs of distress before stepping into CiNingGong.
"LaoFoYe, Qing-er has followed your orders and returned on time."
The dowager empress nodded approvingly, "I know I can always depend on my good Qing-er."
"LaoFoYe need not worry, the books were mostly salvaged."
The older lady shook her head, "that XiaoYanZi...when will she change her ways? Is it so much to ask for her to plan ahead?"
"No one could have predicted the storm." Qing-er reminded her.
"I don't just mean today. As happy as I am that Yongqi will have a child, I can't help but worry…"
"XiaoYanZi tries her best," Qing-er said soothingly, "and having seen her with the other little AhGe's and GeGe's, LaoFoYe surely knows she will prove a doting ENiang."
"Hmm...and when will you become an ENiang, my Qing-er?"
"LaoFoYe…" Qing-er protested modestly.
"Maybe we should host a tournament, just as had been done for Princess SaiYa."
"LaoFoYe is not serious?"
"I haven't forgotten my promise...but how can I expect you to tell me you've found someone if you're not even shown choices?"
"Qing-er does not need such fuss."
"I know you don't like to be the center of attention, but I remain determined to find someone truly worthy."
It would have been the perfect time to confess everything. But Qing-er was no longer certain about what she wanted.
LaoFoYe patted her hand, "I won't do anything if you're truly against the idea, but do think on it?"
She nodded.
She looked up at the moon that night, feeling melancholy. Was she doomed always to fall in love with the wrong person? She was moved by the love between ZiWei and ErKang, XiaoYanZi and Yongqi; she admired the way they fought for such a love. But did she want to fight as well?
She knew she wasn't ZiWei or XiaoYanZi. And just because she understood their philosophies didn't mean she was obliged to adopt them as her own.
Did she love XiaoJian or was it once again just infatuation? He fascinated her, she couldn't deny that. But one could not live on curiosity alone. Each time she saw him, she was too overwhelmed by what she felt to think practically. Spending so much time at LaoFoYe's side, however, made all the lessons of her upbringing return with a vengeance. The resulting guilt threatened to tear her apart.
She rearranged the blanket about her shoulders for comfort. She felt so alone. She couldn't go to ZiWei or XiaoYanZi; they wouldn't understand. They'd just tell her to follow her heart. She definitely could not go to LaoFoYe, who has never been shy about her opinions of XiaoJian. In LaoFoYe's eyes, XiaoJian's wish for freedom was a sign of unwillingness to shoulder responsibilities. A man his age ought to have made some headway in making a name for himself, should have already 成家立业.
For all she knew, he may already have a wife, maybe even children. She liked to think she knew him better, liked to think that he wasn't just toying with her affections. The fact that he stayed surely meant he wanted a future with her.
And how would such a future look? Could she acclimate to his way of life? It sounded romantic, yes, but Qing-er also had difficulty envisioning herself drifting in the breeze. She liked stability, liked having roots. Was that selfish? To want to live with all the comforts she's become used to? She couldn't be Yongqi or ErKang; she wasn't strong enough to abandon everything she's ever known. She couldn't bear disappointing LaoFoYe.
What did she want? She didn't want XiaoJian to be miserable, didn't want him to give up his ideals because of her. She didn't...didn't want to choose. She still wanted a solution in which no one would be hurt. But...it's been two years, long enough for her to lose hope.
Was it time to make a decision? Should she allow LaoFoYe to host that tournament? Could she submit herself to a marriage of convenience when she's known the thrill of a returned affection? But they couldn't continue as they were. And...it wouldn't be the first time that she had to uproot someone from her heart, would it?
There was also XiaoYanZi's child to consider...it should have been a good thing, and was. A true cause for celebration. She never told her friends that LaoFoYe had started becoming antsy ever since ZiWei's pregnancy was announced. Just the week prior, Qing-er had even caught her running through a list of young ladies of suitable age among the most prominent officials' families. Qing-er hadn't breathed a word. What was the point of worrying them? She had assumed that as affectionate as XiaoYanZi and Yongqi were with each other, a child would come sooner rather than later. And... XiaoYanZi in particular has never done well with pressure. And now...it was a relief, but Qing-er knew they were not out of the woods yet. She prayed for a boy, not so much because she truly cared about the gender, but because should XiaoYanZi give birth to a son, even LaoFoYe would have trouble finding excuses to arrange for a ceFuJin for Yongqi.
XiaoYanZi didn't know it, but her position remained precarious. Qing-er knew that XiaoJian hadn't been wrong in that LaoFoYe remained prejudiced. And if LaoFoYe knew about Qing-er's entanglement with XiaoYanZi's brother...none of them could afford the consequences.
Unbeknownst to her, XiaoJian was looking up at the same moon. How did he find himself in such a predicament? He should have known better than to fall in love with her. How had he allowed such a thing to come to pass?
Ah, but it wasn't in his control, was it? Such power that she held over him... He had stayed, for XiaoYanZi, to ensure she was happy in her marriage. And then, for her. Qing-er. He had heard so much about her that his curiosity had been piqued. Meeting her in person…
She was so unassuming, had such a quiet presence. And yet...he found himself mesmerized. And time passed so quickly...has it really been two years since he came to BeiJing? He couldn't deny, though, that he was feeling restless again.
Seeing her tears had made his mind go blank and he had let her walk away from him. Now though...now he felt the full weight of his frustration at the seemingly endless cycle of exhilarating reunion and painful partings. How was he to break that cycle?
Maybe she thought he wouldn't understand the power of filial duty. But he understood all too well. Was it not for filial duty that he held onto such hurt and anger towards the man who had wronged his family all those years ago? How could he love her with such a crime standing between them?
But he did love her. He wanted...wanted to take her away from it all, wanted to free her from the prison of social conventions...wanted to see her laugh freely, wanted to show her the beauties of YunNan, wanted to show her the very world.
Would she go with him though? If he asked, would she leave everything behind as ErKang and Yongqi had done for ZiWei and XiaoYanZi? He wasn't certain. And yet, what else could he do? What other choice did he have?
He could tell she was troubled when they saw each other next. Still, it was such a relief just to see her again.
"Qing-er…" he reached for her hands, needing to reassure himself that she was truly in front of him, and startled as she took a step away from him. "Qing-er?"
"Are you going to tell me now?"
"Tell you what?"
She bit her lip but persisted, "I need to know the kind of man I have pledged myself to."
"You know me." What had LaoFoYe said to her?
"Do I?"
"Qing-er...what has happened?"
She shook her head, "Nothing. I just…"
"Come away with me," he had felt a tendril of fear and blurted out the words to keep it at bay.
"What?"
"Since you have already pledged yourself to me, come away with me."
"You're serious." Her eyes widened in shock.
He nodded, "I've never been more serious." He stepped towards her but stopped again when she took another step back. "When we're a safe distance away, I will tell you everything."
When she still didn't answer, he began to worry, "Qing-er?"
She looked at him and felt her heart sink. She had been afraid he would ask something like this. "I...I can't."
"I know the prospect frightens you, but I will take care of you. And when we reach DaLi, I promise I will give you the wedding you deserve."
She shook her head; he was completely missing the point, "I can't just disappear. For the palace to lose a GeGe…"
"Our friends will help us. They helped a consort disappear, didn't they?"
She shook her head again. Can't he see how much trouble they would be in? It was madness, what he was proposing. "And nearly paid for it with their lives. Even if you're willing to ask it of them, I'm not."
"Because you are not willing to be with me, not really."
She felt the tears well up again at his tone of voice.
"So we really have come to this. In your heart, I still hold second place to LaoFoYe."
She could feel her heart break a little. Stil, she wanted him to understand. "I am not like you. I am not someone of the jianghu, free to put my own wishes ahead of anything else."
"Are you calling me selfish?"
Qing-er rarely had a temper, but in that moment, her anger gave her voice, "You told me that you made it a point not to form attachments. I am sorry to have made you alter your ways. I am sorry you wasted two years of your life in this city when you'd much rather be roaming the world."
"What are you saying?"
She could feel her hands trembling and clasped them together. "You do not wish to stay and I cannot go. Despite these spots of joy, what have we achieved other than making each other miserable?"
"Cannot or will not?" He was not without his own pride.
Her eyes were weary as she looked at him with forced calm; she was tired of feeling as though she had to apologize for who and what she was, "XiaoJian, you want someone to travel with you, explore the world with you, to live a life free from obligations. I am not…" she paused but a second, "I am defined by my obligations."
The silence stretched between them before he said, "You've made your decision then."
She pushed down the urge to laugh. Decision? She supposed she had decided. Really though, she could no longer delude herself into thinking there ever had been a choice. It was the safest way to protect everyone who has become dear to her.
"I hope you will find a reason to tell XiaoYanZi that will not cause her to worry; HuTaiYi says carrying twins more than doubles the dangers."
And once again, he watched her walk away and did nothing to stop her.
She heard from XiaoYanZi, about a week later, that her brother received a letter from his foster parents and had to return to YunNan.
"I just wish he had a chance to say goodbye to you."
Qing-er made herself reply in a teasing manner, "you are not his only family, XiaoYanZi."
XiaoYanZi sighed, "I know."
She let Qing-er help her to her work table, "I hate being treated like an invalid."
Qing-er's smile was more genuine this time, "most people would enjoy being so pampered."
XiaoYanZi snorted, "What you call being pampered, I call being restricted. I thought it was bad enough learning to be a FuJin, but now literally everything I do is monitored and controlled. LaoFoYe has even sent GuiMoMo to JinYangGong to spy on me."
"Spying is so harsh a word."
"But still the right one."
"LaoFoYe means well."
"She cares less about me and more about her precious great-grandchildren."
"XiaoYanZi!" Qing-er looked about to make sure they weren't overheard.
XiaoYanZi made a face but begrudgingly admitted, "I know I'm being unkind...I just feel out of sorts at brother's leaving."
"You may be lacking a brother, but you've still got me and ZiWei, no?"
"Thank heavens for that. I am glad of your company, Qing-er."
"Even if I may also be a spy for LaoFoYe?"
As she intended, XiaoYanZi laughed. "The days I thought like that are long past!"
"But you did think of me that way?"
"Only in the beginning, but then you kept helping me and ZiWei...you are a true friend, a good sister."
Qing-er ignored the pang she felt at being called a sister and smiled back, "well then, as your friend, I must remind you that we should start today's lesson."
XiaoYanZi made another face but pulled the book of idioms towards herself.
"How are XiaoYanZi's lessons coming along?"
Qing-er smiled as she continued massaging LaoFoYe's shoulders and back, "she continues to show improvement."
LaoFoYe nodded approvingly, "hmmm, she does seem to have settled much."
"Her brother did much to give her a good foundation and make up for the lack of formal education in her youth."
"And where has he gone?"
"Back to YunNan."
"Oh? I thought he had said it was his duty to protect XiaoYanZi? How is he to do that if he is not even present?"
"XiaoYanZi says he received a letter from home; maybe something has happened with his foster parents." Qing-er was surprised at how easy lying was.
"Hmm." LaoFoYe made a noncommittal sound.
"Besides, Xiao Da Xia is a man of the world; he only came to BeiJing to ensure XiaoYanZi's wellbeing. It is not surprising that he should resume his travels now that she is settled."
LaoFoYe made no reply and Qing-er continued her task.
Still...XiaoYanZi wasn't the only one who felt out of sorts. Despite herself, Qing-er couldn't deny that with his departure, she had lost a part of herself. Returning to the banality of being Qing-GeGe should have been comforting...and it was a relief, no longer having to hide things from LaoFoYe...but…
"Qing-er?"
"Yes, LaoFoYe?"
"Have you given further thought to the idea of a tournament?"
"Qing-er is grateful for LaoFoYe's consideration, but I could never feel comfortable with such a spectacle. The very thought makes me shudder."
LaoFoYe lifted her hand and brought Qing-er forward so they faced each other, "My Qing-er...I will always regret my selfishness in keeping you with me."
Qing-er made sure she remained smiling, "Qing-er doesn't. Qing-er is happy to remain at LaoFoYe's side. Qing-er doesn't wish to part from LaoFoYe."
"Silly child. A woman must marry sometimes."
"Then LaoFoYe must allow Qing-er to stay for a few years more, until I am no longer a silly child."
The dowager empress patted her hand indulgently, "Alright, alright...heaven knows I can't bear to part from you either."
"Long Feng Tai (literally, dragon-pheonix pregnancy. Figuratively, twins of mixed genders)? Truly?"
Qing-er grinned broadly as she nodded, "The little Ah Ge and the little Ge Ge are both healthy."
LaoFoYe laughed, "It's a sign! A most auspicious sign! Looks like I've underestimated XiaoYanZi! Come, I need to see these children!"
XiaoYanZi looked exhausted but she still beamed as she looked down at her children. "Look at their little noses, Yongqi...have you ever seen anything more adorable?"
Yongqi, who had spent the previous night pacing restlessly outside her door, feeling helpless as he heard her scream out, felt all his fatigue disappear as well, "No, no I have not."
Just then, his daughter opened her eyes, "Look XiaoYanZi, Nan-er has your eyes."
"And my lungs," XiaoYanZi said as her daughter began to cry. Handing MianYi to Yongqi, she gently rocked the baby girl and cooed down at the babe, "It's alright, Nan-er, E Niang is here." When the child continued to cry, XiaoYanZi began singing.
"Are you singing chengyu?" Yongqi tore his eyes away from his son to look at his wife in surprise.
XiaoYanZi nodded but otherwise continued to rock Nan-er until she settled again, "Our daughter is a true princess, I will not have others look down on her for being uncultured."
"XiaoYanZi…"
LaoFoYe's entrance, however, prevented him from finishing his thought.
XiaoYanZi proved too tired afterwards to do much other than rest. He kissed her on the forehead before tucking the comforter around her sleeping figure.
"Do you know, XiaoYanZi, I didn't think I could possibly love you more? But I've been proven wrong yet again. You've given me so much, brought such happiness into my life. I promise, I'll spend the rest of my days showing you just how grateful I am that you chose me."
Two years passed peacefully. LaoFoYe still tsked whenever XiaoYanZi got up to her antics, but the existence of the twins softened even the dowager empress's judgement.
MianYi was easily her favorite, but even Nan-er wormed her way into her affections. It was often said that the little girl learned to run before she learned to walk. ErKang had teased XiaoYanZi, saying it was fate's punishment for giving her a child so like herself. XiaoYanZi would have retorted, but was distracted as she ran to pull Nan-er away from the banks of the pond. ErKang just laughed as XiaoYanZi scolded her daughter.
Qing-er, walking by with LaoFoYe, also found herself smiling at the sight.
Motherhood did not come as naturally to XiaoYanZi as it did to ZiWei. When the twins had been younger, XiaoYanZi had admitted to Qing-er that she thought her children were rather boring.
"They do nothing but sleep, and eat, and cry…" she had looked guiltily at her friend, "as their E Niang, I shouldn't say such things."
Qing-er shook her head, "They'll gain their own personalities soon enough. And then, you'll wish for them to go back to being boring."
LaoFoYe also chuckled, particularly as Nan-er spied her great-grandmother and ran to hide in her skirts.
The dowager empress leaned down and spoke to the little girl, "What kind of trouble have you gotten into this time?"
Nan-er just looked up with wide eyes, causing LaoFoYe to laugh again. "Hmm...your grandfather was always in trouble too. Such curiosity is a sign of an intelligent mind. But...you are a princess and so must behave more properly, with more decorum, understood?"
Nan-er nodded obediently.
LaoFoYe straightened again, "XiaoYanZi, I shall find a tutor to teach Nan-er to dance. It will help with her excessive energy."
XiaoYanZi looked like she wanted to protest, but Yongqi spoke first.
LaoFoYe waved aside his thanks, "ZhuangNan is Da Qing's princess; she must be groomed to reflect well on the dynasty."
XiaoYanZi let Nan-er coax her into a game of tag with Dong-er and MianYi. When they returned to JinYangGong and the children had been settled for their nap, however, she couldn't help but complain, "She will never stop interfering in how we raise our children, will she?"
Yongqi looked at her in surprise, "Who?"
"LaoFoYe!"
Yongqi blinked, "What do you mean?"
"Nan-er is still so young, must she start lessons so soon? I had hoped for her to have a carefree childhood."
"It's normal for princesses to begin lessons at a young age."
"She just wants to make sure Nan-er won't turn out like me."
Yongqi frowned, "XiaoYanZi, LaoFoYe cares very much for Nan-er."
XiaoYanZi made an impatient noise, "I do not want our daughter to lose all her personality just to fit the mold of a proper Qing dynasty princess."
HIs expression softened, "She won't. Our Nan-er has too much of your spirit; she will always be herself."
At her persistent petulant expression, he hugged her close, "You've certainly never stopped being yourself."
She leaned into him, "I understand you better now."
"Hmm?"
"You were raised this way, weren't you? With rules and regulations from the first moment you drew breath. It's stifling."
"I never thought of it that way."
She scoffed, "You wouldn't."
"And our children are luckier than I was."
"Oh?"
"They know warmth and love that I did not."
She kissed his cheek.
"Leastwise, not until I met you." He smiled at her, "and you taught me it was alright to have a heart."
Despite herself, she smiled back at him.
He leaned close and added, "and that rules can be broken."
Before she could protest, he had captured her lips with his.
"Oh, XiaoYanZi? You're hesitating? Zheng thought for certain you of all people would be excited about this trip."
"HuangAhMa...HuangAhMa does me great honor, but...MianYi and Nan-er are both so little…"
LaoFoYe nodded in approval but the emperor frowned, "Hmm...zhen has been so easily replaced in both yours and ZiWei's affection."
"HuangAhMa…" XiaoYanZi was visibly conflicted as she exchanged looks with her sworn sister.
"Very well, since it's so difficult to find willing companions, then zhen won't go either."
Seeing her son's disappointment, LaoFoYe spoke up, "XiaoYanZi, if you don't trust the twins to the servants, then why not have them stay at XueShiFu with Dong-er? The three of them are used to playing together and it's not like the Fu family are outsiders."
XiaoYanZi looked up, surprised.
LaoFoYe just smiled, "I know my Qing-er would enjoy the company."
"ErKang," the emperor said, "zhen trusts your ENiang will not object?"
"Not at all, it'll be our honor!"
"Good, then it is decided! In two weeks, we will set forth!"
"Why did she do that?" A still confused XiaoYanZi asked Qing-er.
"LaoFoYe does not give praise easily. But the way you've tried so hard to be a good FuJin and a good ENiang...LaoFoYe isn't blind."
"So...so she's rewarding me?"
Qing-er nodded.
"Oh." XiaoYanZi still looked dumbfounded.
"And she's not wrong...I would enjoy the company."
XiaoYanZi returned her smile but then asked, "Qing-er...did something happen between you and brother?"
"What do you mean?"
"It doesn't take two years to go to DaLi and then return."
"Maybe he's caught up in new adventures."
She frowned, "and left you to wait for him indefinitely? Just wait until he gets back; I will knock some sense into him."
"I'm not waiting." Qing-er at last admitted.
"Then…"
"XiaoYanZi...your brother and I are of two diferent worlds; I've made my peace with it."
"But…"
"I'm glad to have met him, to have experienced what it's like to love as you and ZiWei do. But I'm not as brave as the two of you."
"I don't understand."
"You don't have to understand."
"If you love each other…" XiaoYanZi still protested.
"Not all love stories are obliged to have satisfactory endings. And...I don't necessarily need him to be happy."
XiaoYanZi shook her head, "if I didn't have Yongqi…"
"Ah. Then I must not love as deeply. It is just as well then; your brother deserves someone who can love him without reservation."
"Qing-er…"
Qing-er smiled, "Please don't worry about me. Let's think instead about the trip! I wonder if we'll encounter as many adventures as you did in the past?"
She wasn't surprised when ZiWei visited and tried to talk to her about XiaoJian.
"I'm fine, really."
"Why did you not tell us?"
"Because I knew this would happen."
"Qing-er…"
"ErKang once told LaoFoYe that I deserved a complete love. XiaoJian...he was never all mine. There were things he kept to himself, aspects of himself that he never revealed. Surely you of anyone can understand why that would have bothered me."
ZiWei nodded. Yes, she did, and yet..."Do you still love him?"
Ah. That was a question she asked herself at times. Did she? "He is as a figure in a fairytale, a true jianghu hero... It is as it should be, for him to return to the stories from which he came. I am grateful that he took the time to be a part of my story for a brief while."
"Just because you come from different worlds does not mean there can be no future for you."
"But a relationship needs more than love to thrive, does it not? XiaoYanZi and Yongqi, you and ErKang...you trust each other. XiaoJian...being a man of mystery is too much a part of who he is. He may have loved me, but he didn't let me get close enough to know if a future could exist for us."
"And what if...what if he only wanted to protect you?"
Qing-er looked at her friend sharply. "You know his secret, don't you?"
"I…" ZiWei had almost forgotten how insightful Qing-er could be.
Qing-er sighed, "If would be wrong to ask you to tell me when he clearly did not wish for me to know."
She visibly straightened her shoulders, "let us speak of the future and not of the past. I am ever so excited to travel with you and XiaoYanZi!"
Qing-er knew though, that what she told her friends wasn't the whole truth. Time had given her insight, allowed her to look back and examine the situation with more objectivity. As inadvertent as it had been, she had stumbled upon a key observation. XiaoJian had been selfish. He was prejudiced against her way of life, had thought of himself as the superior. He honestly thought he was rescuing her, by offering to take her away. But she wasn't a damsel in distress. She was comfortable in her world, in the role for which she was born and bred. And...she had her own dignity to maintain.
Their trip began auspiciously, with clear skies and a gentle breeze. Qing-er let ZiWei and XiaoYanZi teach her their songs and felt that she hadn't completely lied. She did not need him to know happiness.
She had reconciled herself to never seeing him again; thus, it was all the more shocking when he burst back into her life in as dramatic a manner as possible.
It began as a distant shout. They all looked out their carriage windows at the lone figure that raced towards them. Her gasp as the figure's details took shape was lost in XiaoYanZi's exclamation of fear as the guards under FangDaRen's command attacked.
Had the situation not been so dire, she might have taken time to admire his skill as he evaded their swords and knives, blocking the attacks with only his xiao.
"Stop!" ErKang and Yongqi had both arrived but their cries seemed to have no effect and so both leapt off their horses to help their friend.
XiaoYanZi moved as though she would go join them but ZiWei held her in place, "They have it well in hand. You would only add to the chaos."
The emperor's arrival seemed to cause a cease fire at last.
"What is going in? XiaoJian, zhen thought you had returned to YunNan."
"HuangShang. I had promised XiaoYanZi I would return to BeiJing, if only to meet my niece or nephew. I was on my way back when I heard of HuangShang's trip."
"Ah." The emperor accepted such explanation easily. "Then, what did you mean that zhen should dispense justice for the people?"
XiaoJian offered the scroll in his hand, "HuangShang must know of the drought in this region last year."
"FuLun?"
FuDaRen nodded, "HuangShang had already dispensed foods and supplies to alleviate the burden."
"And yet the people never saw a single grain." XiaoJian stated, "There are whole villages that perished from hunger. This scroll contains a list of names of the villagers."
ErKang took the scroll from XiaoJian and handed it to the emperor whose expression darkened.
"The list is far from complete, for some villages are quite remote." XiaoJian continued, "HuangShang...I happened upon villagers who were boiling rocks to survive and mothers feeding their own blood to their children...I attempted to apply to the local magistrate but was continually refused an audience."
"Fang Da Ren!" The emperor turned towards his host, "what do you know of this matter?"
"HuangShang! Cheng has ever served HuangShang loyally. HuangShang surely does not mean to listen to the words of this stranger! He is likely someone who is only trying to cause chaos."
"Stranger? XiaoJian is no stranger to us. Indeed, he is HuanZhuGeGe's brother. How dare you make such accusations?!"
"Brother?!" FangDaRen looked faint but recovered enough to say, "cheng will order investigations right away!"
"Yes, an investigation is most definitely needed" the emperor turned back towards XiaoJian, "since you brought this matter to our attention, XiaoJian, zhen is ordering you to see this matter through. ErKang and Yongqi will offer their assistance."
XiaoJian bowed, "on behalf of the ShanDong people, XiaoJian thanks HuangShang."
The emperor nodded, "FangDaRen. You will give your full cooperation!"
"Of course!"
"HuangAhMa…" ZiWei did her best to coax the emperor from his state of anger, "HuangAhMa must remember his health."
"How can I be calm in such a situation? Zhen intended for this trip to be one of relaxation for HuangENiang but we have barely begun and we are confronted with crimes of greed and possibly worse!"
LaoFoYe responded, "HuangDi's good intent I understand. But as dowager empress, as HuangShang, you and I are beholden to the people. Correcting any wrong is worth the loss of relaxation."
"HuangAhMa," ZiWei added, "HuangAhMa is a kind and caring emperor. ErKang, Yongqi, XiaoJian, they will provide all facts to HuangAhMa. But HuangAhMa, we must also consider for those who are suffering right now." She unfurled the scroll on the table, "this list of names, it is already too long...could we do something to prevent it from lengthening further?"
"You did well to remind zhen, ZiWei. At the first opportunity, we will have XiaoJian show us the areas needing the most help."
The royal physicians had examined some of the villagers and advised a slow re-introduction of food in addition to herbal tonics. Compassion tempered the anger in the emperor's eyes as he listened to the physicians' assessment. It was obvious that hunger was not just an acute problem.
Qing-er felt tears well up in her eyes at the genuine thanks she received for each bowl of porridge she delivered.
"Here."
She glanced up to see XiaoJian offering her a handkerchief. She took it gingerly and wiped at her eyes, muttering a quiet "thank you."
"It's a revelation," he said just as softly, "for me to see LaoFoYe, HuangHouNiangNiang, and LingFeiNiangNiang put aside their titles and interact so kindly with these unfortunate souls."
"The Manchu may be conquerors, but we do not intend to be cruel."
He turned back to her, his gaze thoughtful.
Her heart thumped so loudly she wondered if he could hear it as well. Folding the cloth carefully, she offered it back to him. When he didn't immediately react, she asked, "oh, how inconsiderate of me. It would be better for me to clean it before returning it, wouldn't it?'
"No." He took it from her, "it's alright."
She picked up another bowl of porridge, "I should return to my task."
"Qing-er…"
She turned around to face him and hoped that the bowl didn't shake too much in her hands.
"I…"
She waited, but he did not seem to be able to continue. Tearing her gaze away from his, she took another two steps before turning around again.
"I forgot to offer my congratulations."
"Congratulations?"
"With everything going on, I don't know if anyone has told you that you're an uncle twice over."
"You mean...twins?"
She nodded, "Long feng tai. An auspicious sign."
"Yes."
She nodded again before returning to find another person who needed the porridge.
XiaoJian watched her walk away; the moment was bittersweet. It was a sight that had become much too familiar and yet...how he had missed seeing it. These past two years, he had tried his best to forget her. But he found to his chagrin that he could not. He had been too proud at first, to admit that he missed her. Even though he did; desperately so.
He had gone back to YunNan and felt his own heart gladdened at the joyful reception from his godparents that his sister had been found. When he told them who she had married, they were initially taken aback. In defending his sister's choice, in describing the indulgence and genuine care the emperor showed XiaoYanZi, he also reached an epiphany of sorts.
He had shared his thoughts with his shifu and gained a proud smile.
And that day, Qing-er's words echoed something his shifu had said. "Dynasty after dynasty...history is an endless cycle of conquering and being conquered. Does it matter truly who the holds jiangshang in his hands as long as he has the good of the people in mind?"
Had not ErKang and ZiWei both tried to tell him the same?
And time and again, he had seen with his own eyes that this HuangShang was doing his best.
Flanked by ErKang and Yongqi, he made his report. The emperor's tone was decisive when he asked FangDaRen to be summoned, but XiaoJian saw HuangShang reading through the documents placed in front of him. This man held others' lives in his hands, was it any wonder that he was so careful?
But neither was he infallible.
That Fang Shi Zhou walked in without any sign of fear should have been a warning. As the man denied the accusations, XiaoJian could see the emperor struggling to keep his temper. And then, FangShiZhou issued his own accusation.
"Cheng thinks that this XiaoJian is purposefully trying to frame cheng for personal gain."
"Preposterous, what can XiaoJian hope to gain?"
"HuangShang said XiaoJian was not a stranger. But does HuangShang know that XiaoJian is not this man's real name?"
XiaoJian could feel ErKang tensing.
"This man," FangShiZhou paused dramatically, "this man is no other than the son of FangZhiHang, a traitor who was put to death for treason twenty years ago."
"What?" Yongqi looked at his brother-in-law with wide eyes.
"And how do you know?"
"Cheng is ashamed to admit that FangZhiHang had been cheng's cousin. The way this XiaoJian fought, even though it had been with but a xiao...cheng would recognize the features of the Fang family swordplay anywhere."
"And what does FangZhiHang's death have to do with you?"
"I was the one who brought his crimes to light...FangYan."
That XiaoJian looked back at him calmly caused FangZhiHang to frown a little, "That is your real name, isn't it?"
"Yes."
No one was more surprised than the emperor at XiaoJian's answer.
"I am FangYan. I am FangZhiHang's son. My father was accused of treason, that is also true. But his case has nothing to do with the present one."
"Nothing to do with the present one?" FangShiZhou laughed, "it has everything to do with the present one! You're using your connection to HuanZhuGeGe to seek personal revenge! You must have been but six when your father passed; young enough to allow yourself to be taken away and hidden but old enough to hold a grudge. Do you dare deny it?"
XiaoJian continued to look back at FangShiZhou steadily, "What good is revenge to me? It will not bring my parents back from the dead, will not erase the years of uncertainty, loneliness, and neglect that my sister suffered. All it would do is lower me to the level of a xiao ren like you."
FangShiZhou physically took a step back at XiaoJian's tone of contempt.
XiaoJian turned next to the emperor and spoke more respectfully, "HuangShang. I wish for a fair ruling for the people of ShanDong. And so, I will submit myself to HuangShang. Should HuangShang seek to examine my father's case, then I will gladly await, in prison if needed, until a verdict is reached."
So saying, he knelt and offered his sword.
"HuangShang," ErKang spoke up, "prison will surely not be needed; the people have put their faith in XiaoJian to give them justice. If he is jailed, then surely the people will lose faith in HuangShang as well."
The emperor thought quickly. ErKang's words were not without merit. "XiaoJian...zhen will place you under house arrest. ErKang, it'll be responsibility to keep watch over him. As for FangDaRen...for the sake of fairness, the same will be applied to you. Yongqi, you will keep watch."
"HuangShang!" FangShiZhou protested.
"Or would you prefer prison?" The emperor asked with a raised eyebrow, "XiaoJian has offered; are you also offering?"
FangShiZhou quieted in response.
The events of the day could not be kept a secret.
"What a mess!" LaoFoYe said, "I knew I should have done more to uncover XiaoYanZi's origins before I let her marry Yongqi!"
"LaoFoYe...the truth has not yet been revealed. FangDaRen has shown himself to be an untrustworthy official; for all we know, XiaoYanZi's father was framed. And even if he did commit a crime, surely XiaoYanZi is innocent."
"But think of the effect on Yongqi...how can the daughter of a traitor ever be taizifei?"
It was the first time the unspoken understanding had been declared so clearly. Qing-er had seen the signs, but had hoped that XiaoYanZi's improvements and the existence of the twins would be enough. "LaoFoYe...XiaoYanZi is a princess of the people. From prior adventures, there already exists legends about her and ZiWei. And this trip, LaoFoYe has surely seen for herself the people's response to her? Her presence at Yongqi's side only helps him retain 民心."
"But it takes more than 民 心 to secure the 帝王 position."
"Why don't we wait and see?" Qing-er suggested, "once everything is resolved, then LaoFoYe can decide XiaoYanZi's worth."
"Why did you reveal yourself?"
XiaoJian lowered his xiao to look at ErKang, "The entirety of my life has been focused on two things. The first was to find my sister. The second was to run. I don't want to run anymore."
"You're doing this for Qing-er."
"Qing-er…" XiaoJian sighed, "Qing-er deserves someone whole and I...I've been carrying this rage, this hurt within me for so long...I felt that HuangShang owed me and Qing-er…"
He was silent a moment before he continued, "I've been looking for peace outside of myself. I never truly understood what my shifu tried to teach me."
"What changed?"
"I did go back to YunNan but then...I found myself in HangZhou. I've avoided going to that city; visited it just the once when I first came of age to offer prayers to my parents...Our old home had been rebuilt. A new family lives there now. And maybe it was fate, but I saw as the little sister hugged her brother when he gave her a pinwheel he had obtained from the market. They could not have been more than five and ten, respectively. And it was like looking through some strange window of time, a small glimpse into a world in which XiaoYanZi and I grew up as FangCi and FangYan, never tasting the bitterness of loss, the anguish of loneliness. It should have made me angry, that such a world had been snatched from us. Instead...such bitterness is poisonous."
"I am taking a gamble, taking a leap of faith. I've decided to trust not only in a just HuangShang, but also in everyone's HuangAhMa."
XiaoYanZi demanded to be present when the story was told. "It affects me too," she had declared and no one could deny the truth of her statement.
And so the story unfolded. FuLun was nothing if not thorough in his investigations.
FangShiZhou was indeed FangZhiHang's cousin. The two had always been rivals since young and FangShiZhou never forgave FangZhiHang for marrying DuYuJuan, their mutual childhood friend. FangZhiHang had been a wen guan and word of his talent had even travelled to the emperor's ear. Based on samples of his works, he was put in charge of gathering the literature of the whole region for the compilation of the national encyclopedia. A lover of books, FangZhiHang had lamented the burning of scripts deemed dangerous. FangShiZhou, in his jealousy, seized the opportunity and that passing remark became a forged work of poetry that led to FangZhiHang's arrest. MaDaRen, the official at that time, followed protocol and the matter was submitted to the appropriate department in the capital. The unexpected passing of Fucha HuangHou, however, caused the emperor profound grief and the matter stalled. Meanwhile, FangShiZhou lost his patience. Knowing that DuYuJuan was someone prone to making rash decisions, he gave the impression that he could do nothing to overturn the death sentence that came from the capital, thus inciting her to attempt a jail break. She failed and in the aftermath, the crime of treason seemed much more plausible and FangZhiHag was indeed put to death. FangShiZhou, though, had not counted on the love DuYuJuan held for her husband. And so, it was the sight of her corpse that met him when he went to the estate with the intent of 'rescuing' his cousin's family.
The silence that followed the tale was broken as XiaoYanZi punched the kneeling FangShiZhou as hard as she could. "That one's for my father, and this one is for my mother."
"XiaoYanZi!" Yongqi quickly gathered her struggling figure into his arms, "calm down."
"You miserable excuse for a human, I hope you rot in hell!"
To everyone's surprise, FangShiZhou laughed.
Even XiaoYanZi stopped fighting.
"You are certainly Yu-er's daughter. She always had a temper too."
"You are not fit to speak mother's name!"
"Meimei…" XiaoJian's voice belied his weariness, but his tone remained firm, "the truth is known now; he will receive his just punishment."
"Indeed," the emperor declared, "this matter has been clarified. We can now move on to the current matter."
ErKang shielded ZiWei's eyes, but XiaoYanZi stared unblinkingly as FangShiZhou's head fell onto the platform.
"Good riddance!" she declared.
Her brother, though, just turned, "It's done now. We should go back."
XiaoYanZi took one more look at the platform before nodding.
"What's going to happen to his wife and children?" ZiWei thought to ask.
"I spoke with them and they have taken up my offer to go to DaLi for a new start. My godfather owns a few industries in the region; they will lead to earn their keep."
"That's very kind of you," ZiWei said.
XiaoJian shook his head, "they don't deserve to be punished…"
"You would prevent what happened to you and XiaoYanZi."
XiaoJian did not need to reply to indicate the truth of Erkang's observation.
"Were you never going to tell me?" XiaoYanZi demanded.
"No," he answered succinctly.
"Why not?"
"Your life is so full of joy; I could not bear to give you this burden. You did not need this shadow to exert its hold on you too."
She punched his arm.
"What was that for?"
"I'm your sister," she reminded him, "and that means, you fu tong xiang, you nang tong dang. Got it?"
He smiled, "Got it."
"Alright," Yongqi tugged on XiaoYanZi's arm, "you've berated your brother enough I think."
"Hmmp."
"The more important question now," ErKang said, "is what you're going to do about HuangAhMa's offer this time?"
"I…"
"He's got to check with someone first, of course," ZiWei noted.
"Who?" XiaoYanZi asked.
ErKang and ZiWei exchanged an amused look. "Who do you think?"
XiaoYanZi furrowed her brows in thought, "Oh! I know!" She grinned widely, "well, brother, will you?"
"I…"
XiaoYanZi giggled at his embarrassment.
"I don't know if she'll still have me."
"Well, then go find out!"
"I..."
XiaoYanZi rolled her eyes, "how can you be so smart in other ways and be so dumb now? Despite what she says, Qing-er has never stopped loving you. She doesn't think I know, but she's rejected LaoFoYe's offer of holding a tournament to find her a bridegroom three times already."
"I…"
"Go on," ErKang offered his encouragement, "Qing-er is a GeGe of the Palace, you can't expect her to speak to you. So, if you want another chance, you'll have to take the initiative."
XiaoJian still felt uncertain, but he straightened his shoulders and nodded resolutely in reply.
Of course, finding an opportunity to be alone with her was easier said than done. And with the emperor looking at him so expectantly, XiaoJian found that he had to provide an answer.
He glanced at Qing-er briefly, hoping to see some sign, but her impassive expression gave no hint as to her thoughts.
"Well?"
"I would be honored to travel with HuangShang and…and also take up the position offered on returning to BeiJing."
The emperor looked pleased, "there is the matter of your name…"
"Thanks to HuangShang, my father's name has been cleared. I thus have no further need of a pseudonym."
The emperor nodded, "very well."
XiaoYanZi gave a great cheer, causing everyone to laugh in amusement.
"HuangShang," LaoFoYe asked, "now that the matter has been satisfactorily resolved, where are we headed next?"
"To JiNan. We will stop a few days at QianFoShan (Thousand Buddha Mountain) before going to the city proper."
LaoFoYe nodded in approval, "Yes, the peacefulness of the temples there will surely help us recover from recent excitements."
They scattered after supper, Qing-er following obediently at LaoFoYe's side. XiaoJian could only look at her departing figure longingly.
His sister, however, gave him little time to mope.
"Brother! Is now a good time for a lesson?"
"Lesson?"
"You had promised to teach me to play the xiao, don't you remember? You left before we could start, but now we can!"
"As I recall, you were more interested in learning wugong than the xiao," Yongqi teased his wife.
XiaoYanZi, whose mood was still buoyed at the prospect of having her brother return to BeiJing with them permanently, just laughed, "So I was! But now I'm ready to learn!"
XiaoJian smiled at her enthusiasm, "alright!"
They didn't notice that the emperor held ZiWei and ErKang behind for a moment.
"My daughter, zhen could tell that you've been more subdued ever since we entered ShangDong province. Zhen had asked for the short stay in the mountains not only for LaoFoYe's sake, but also so that we can pay our respects to your mother."
"HuangAhMa…" ZiWei was at a loss for words as she hugged her father.
"We cannot bring her to BeiJing as a proper consort, but we did order that her remains be interred with all dignity in the mountains, where it can be well protected. It is not enough to make up for all that I owe her…"
ZiWei shook her head, "ZiWei is certain that mother, looking down upon us, understands HuangAhMa's intent."
The sound of the xiao drifted through Qing-er's window, causing her to walk towards it and gaze out into the night.
Why did he have to return? She had thought she had recovered, but just seeing him made all the walls she had carefully built crumble in one fell swoop. All the hurt, longing, and wistfulness she had so carefully buried returned with a vengeance. And just the sound of his xiao made her heart pound again. She reached out to close her window, but found that even as her hands grasped the frames, her arms would not obey. Instead, her hands lowered until they gripped the windowsill.
He had chosen once again to stay. But this time, the circumstances would be different. She knew, even if no one said it, that his secret was not just that he was the son of a supposed criminal. No...for treason, the final authority came from the highest source. FangShiZhou had been right about one thing; XiaoJian had wanted revenge. Only...the target hadn't been his father's cousin. No wonder he had been so conflicted; XiaoYanZi had married his enemy's son. And what did that make her?
Did he fall for her as inevitably, as uncontrollably as she had fallen for him? Or, was there a darker reason that he had chosen her?
No. Despite everything, she could not deny that he was an honorable man. And in those two years, he had been given such freedom to travel in and out of the palace. Had he truly wanted to complete his revenge, he had plenty of opportunities to do so. What then, stayed his hand? She suspected it wasn't just XiaoYanZi alone.
And now...now that the truth has been revealed...XiaoYanZi's position was less precarious than it had been. She was at least the daughter of an official. A minor one perhaps, but one who had received special attention from the emperor himself. Even LaoFoYe had made recognition of that fact. And with XiaoJian...no, he was FangYan now...with FangYan choosing to accept a position, XiaoYanZi's qualifications for the position of taizifei were not as bleak as they had once appeared.
And where did that leave her?
She loved him. It hadn't just been infatuation. She knew that now. And if he told her again that she was the reason for his decision to stay, would she say yes to resuming their relationship? Was she brave enough to open herself up to the possibility of being hurt again?
She listened as the emperor spoke to XiaYuHe's tombstone; how full of regret his voice was! Her heart was further touched at ErKang's words of thanks and his vow to love and treasure ZiWei not just in this lifetime but 生生世世.
She heard XiaoYanZi complain that her husband never uttered such sweet things to her.
"When we go to HangZhou," she heard Yongqi whisper in reply, "we will ask your brother to take us to your parents' resting place. I want to reiterate all the promises I made to you with them as my witness."
Qing-er saw as XiaoYanZi's gaze softened and she slipped her hand into his.
"ErKang's words are the perfect companion to shan wu leng, tian di he, cai gang you jun jue."
She heard FangYan's observation, but made no recognition of it. Instead, she bowed with everyone else before carefully inserting the sticks of incense in the proper holder.
They left then, to allow the emperor, ZiWei, and ErKang to have some private moments at the tomb.
XiaoYanZi and Yongqi walked ahead, hands still intertwined together. Qing-er concentrated on keeping her expression emotionless as FangYan walked at her side.
"For those in love, there can be no better vow than 生生世世."
"But not all who love gets even one lifetime together," she finally said.
He was quiet before saying, "I'm sorry."
When she made no reply, he added, "You had loved XiaoJian, could you also love FangYan?"
How like him, to speak so bluntly!
"I do not know FangYan."
He nodded agreeably, "I must admit that I do not either. Leastwise, not yet. Finding out what truly happened to my family...a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's as though a great storm has passed and the sky is clear once more."
She wondered if he deliberately chose such an analogy just so he could use the word of her name.
"It's exhilarating but also frightening to begin anew," he admitted.
"You are not without friends to guide you." She was careful to keep her gaze forward.
"Friends...yes...the universe does do its best to seek balance, does it not?"
"How do you mean?"
"It's a matter of fate surely for me now to accept ErKang and Yongqi's help as I enter into their world."
Thinking on the stories she had been told, Qing-er found she didn't disagree. Distracted as she was, she stumbled on one of the steps.
She found herself staring into his eyes as his hold steadied her.
"Be careful," he cautioned her.
She wanted to say thank you but found that her voice would not comply.
"Qing-er…"
He was much too close.
"Will you give FangYan a chance?"
The call of a bird broke the spell.
"Let me go," she managed to say and felt his hands release her. She turned from him and continued down the path.
"Qing-er?"
She paused.
"Is that your answer?"
She was scared of turning around and facing him, but it had to be done. "I cannot love someone who does not yet exist."
It wasn't exactly a refusal.
Qing-er saw when HuangHouNiangNiang clutched at the armrest of her chair as the four daughters of the Chen household approached. How pale the empress looked! The movement was slight enough and the four young ladies beautiful and graceful enough that Qing-er felt certain she was the only one who noticed.
She listened with half an ear as their hosts and the emperor traded compliment, but her eyes remained on HuangHouNiangNiang.
"LaoFoYe's praise is too much," ChenFuRen said, "how can our girls compare to the GeGes who has helped 为民除害?"
The emperor laughed, "Oh? So their reputations precede them?"
ChenBangZhi spoke up, "HuangShang's route is known; is it any wonder that so many people are watching and paying attention?"
"I've heard it said," ChenFuRen added, "that all ladies of the party are surely living buddhas!"
LaoFoYe politely demurred, but Qing-er could tell the dowager empress was pleased.
"Such lovely daughters," LaoFoYe changed the topic, "Master Chen must have no trouble finding them appropriate po jia (in-laws)?"
She received a nod in reply, "yes, my three oldest are all betrothed, but my ZhiHua is not yet."
"Oh? I find that hard to believe," LaoFoYe started, "a young lady as lovely as she is, surely suitors are clamoring at Chen manor's gates."
"LaoFoYe exaggerates! But it does sound as though LaoFoYe would like to be matchmaker on our ZhiHua's behalf?"
LaoFoYe gestured ZhiHua closer and quizzed her on her education.
HuangHouNiangNiang seemed to have calmed herself but then when LaoFoYe mentioned finding a match for ZhiHua among the AisinQioro family, the empress tensed again. Qing-er saw both her and LingFeiNiangNiang steal a look at the emperor.
Qing-er frowned...surely HuangHouNiangNiang didn't think LaoFoye meant…
The Chen couple were also startled at the suggestion but they were too polite to question LaoFoYe directly.
Qing-er also found herself curious and so said in as light a tone as she could, "LaoFoYe...this trip was meant for relaxation. LaoFoYe should not worry so much about the futures of her grandchildren."
"Ah Qing-er, you think you may know who I had in mind?"
Qing-er responded demurely, "Qing-er wouldn't dare to presume to know LaoFoYe's mind."
The emperor laughed, "hmmm but you know LaoFoYe the best of anyone in this room. Zhen is curious as to your guess at who HuangENiang might choose."
Qing-er played along as she tilted her head thoughtfully, "well...among the princes, Six-Ah-Ge has yet to wed. But HeQinWang also has a couple of sons who have not yet had FuJin's appointed to them. And that's just in the immediate family…"
The emperor kept his smile as he turned toward the head of the Chen household, "sounds like LaoFoYe will have many possible candidates to consider."
The girl herself cast her eyes downward bashfully, but not before Qing-er caught what she thought was a calculating gleam.
Over the next few days, the feeling that ZhiHua was not as simple or innocent as she appeared continued to bother Qing-er. ZiWei easily became friends with ZhiQin and ZhiQi based on their shared interests, but Qing-er found herself becoming closest to ZhiShu.
"ZhiHua has always been a little spoiled," the young lady remarked as they watched LaoFoYe delighting in ZhiHua's company further up the path as they strolled through the gardens. "And so I would like to ask Qing-GeGe to help shield her when she does go to BeiJing."
"LaoFoYe's favor will be more than enough protection.
ZhiShu shook her head, "ZhiHua may be clever, but life in the palace is surely a level of complexity that a well educated but sheltered young lady cannot hope to understand."
"You worry for her."
"She is not just the baby of the family but also the most talented of the four of us. The praise she has received...she truly believes she is intended for better than the suitors that have come calling."
Qing-er had no time to reply, however, as she heard LaoFoYe call her name.
"Qing-er, ZhiHua was just explaining to me the reason for this garden to be called a Little Tiger Forest, can you see it?"
Qing-er looked around at their surroundings at the various rock formations before smiling and replying in the form of a poem.
She had just completed the first few lines when FangYan's voice was heard completing the later lines.
Master Chen also heard and paused in the clearing, "and this must be the Hero of ShanDong? I had not realized he was also a scholar."
"Hero of ShanDong?" The emperor asked.
Master Chen nodded, "much praise has been given to Wu-Ah-Ge and EFu, but this FangYan's name is now also known."
"I am no hero," FangYan protested.
"Oh, don't be so modest," XiaoYanZi spoke up, "you see HuangAhMa, I'm not just boasting about brother's abilities!"
ErKang, trading a look with ZiWei, also stepped forward, "HuangAhMa, why don't we play a game? Qing-er and FangYan have started us off, why don't we continue? These tigers give us the perfect theme!"
The emperor smilingly agreed.
Qing-er knew her friends were trying to help. ZiWei and ErKang understood, even if XiaoYanZi might not have, the importance of LaoFoYe's approval.
But maybe even XiaoYanZi had learned some things in the last few years.
After two rounds, the emperor remarked in surprise, "XiaoYanZi! Such improvements you've shown! Zhen had thought the first round might have been a fluke, but your response just now convinced zhen that it may not have been."
XiaoYanZi just smiled, "HuangAhMa shouldn't underestimate me! Besides, Qing-er is a strict teacher; much more so than JiShiFu even!"
"Oh?"
XiaoYanZi nodded, "but HuangAhMa needn't worry! I am still HuangAhMa's kaixinguo!" So saying, she made up another rhyme of what sounded like gibberish until she explained it to the amusement of all assembled.
"HuangShang," Qing-er commented, "Qing-er certainly never taught XiaoYanZi that one!"
Yongqi wrapped an arm around his wife, his eyes full of fondness, and she smiled sweetly back.
"HuangShang is also blessed in his daughters," Master Chen remarked.
"Indeed," the emperor agreed.
Qing-er noticed the thoughtful expressions on both LaoFoYe's and ZhiHua's faces. It was almost eerie how similar they were.
Later, they were treated to the performance from the four young ladies of the Chen household.
Chen FuRen might have said it was but a game their daughters played, but Qing-er could tell the careful planning and practice put into the moment. So, ZhiShu had been right, her parents also fed into ZhiHua's belief that the girl was intended for something better.
Still, Qing-er couldn't deny that ZhiHua was talented. She agreed with ZiWei's assessment that the paintings demonstrated a level of skill that belied ZhiHua's age.
HuangHouNiangNiang seemed also to agree as she walked, as though spellbound, towards the painting of the plum blossoms. It had become so unlike the empress to behave in any way so as to draw extra attention to herself that Qing-er at once found her attention caught.
As LaoFoYe busied herself complimenting ZhiHua, Qing-er quietly joined the empress.
"It's truly remarkable," Qing-er murmured.
"Yes...she not only looks like RongYing, but her paintings..."
Qing-er blinked. Ah.
The empress seemed to have regained her awareness of her surroundings, "it is well that HuangShang has not realized the resemblance. LaoFoYe is determined to bring her back with us. You should warn XiaoYanZi."
"XiaoYanZi?"
The empress just shook her head as she reached for her prayer beads, "you've tried to shield her. All of you have. But you can only delay what is inevitable."
Qing-er looked in her friend's direction. XiaoYanZi looked to be frowning as Yongqi continued to look with clear admiration at the paintings. Yes, someone really ought to speak to XiaoYanZi.
She moved back towards her friends just in time to hear ZiWei suggest a sword dance performance.
Qing-er was careful to keep her eyes on Yongqi and XiaoYanZi as they moved almost as one entity. She could not help but be reminded of a pair of swallow birds joined in flight. Thinking on HuangHouNiangNiang's words, Qing-er decided to utter a couplet to that effect within LaoFoYe's hearing.
While the dowager empress made no outward recognition of her words, ZhiHua's smile did falter a second before she regained control of her expressions.
Night had fallen when she once again heard the sound of his xiao. She paused in combing her hair in front of her mirror and again went to the window. Since that day in the mountains, he had kept his distance. Nonetheless, she was often aware of his eyes on her. Someone should tell him to stop, should tell him to be less obvious. But maybe he couldn't help it. What did it mean, then, that she could still exercise some caution? And yet...wasn't she still drawn to the sound of his xiao?
A knock sounded on her door then and she opened it to reveal XiaoYanZi.
"Oh, you're already getting ready for bed."
Qing-er tilted her head, "it is late."
XiaoYanZi sighed, "I had hoped to bring you to brother."
"What?"
"You can hear him too, can't you? He's calling out for you."
Qing-er almost smiled at her friend's dramatics, "XiaoYanZi…"
"Are you still mad at him for not telling you about our parents? Because he didn't even tell me!"
"No. I'm not mad," Qing-er interrupted before XiaoYanZi could work herself up anymore.
"Then why? Why are you ignoring him?"
"I'm not ignoring him."
XiaoYanZi waved a hand in an agitated manner, "you're polite to him, as though you are strangers."
"How should I act with him?"
XiaoYanZi opened her mouth but then closed it.
"Your brother...he is still figuring out who FangYan is. I respect him enough to let him complete that process."
"It's just a name," XiaoYanZi grumbled.
"And FuJin is just a title."
XiaoYanZi frowned, "What?"
Qing-er hadn't intended to bring up the subject like this, but she didn't know when she'd next get an opportunity, "XiaoYanZi, you are aware that Yongqi is a prince?"
"Yes, but what does that have to do with you and brother?"
Qing-er sighed but continued, "do you know why LaoFoYe was so against your marriage?"
"Because I have no manners, no education; because I was an orphan with no background, because in her eyes I wasn't good enough for Yongqi." XiaoYanZi scowled, "because unlike some, I can't dance and draw at the same time with expertise."
Qing-er decided to ignore the last comment. "Do you know why she cares so much?"
"Because she doesn't want to lose face."
"And why else?"
When XiaoYanZi looked puzzled, Qing-er continued, "because she helped raise Yongqi after YuFei's passing. You could say that in her eyes, he is the male version of me. As a mother yourself, can you blame her for wanting only the best for Yongqi?"
"I've done my best…" XiaoYanXi started defensively.
"I know," Qing-er reached out to hold XiaoYanZi's hand, "I've seen how hard you've tried, how much you've changed…"
"But it still doesn't seem to be enough…"
Qing-er sighed, "even if you were perfect, LaoFoYe would still look for other options."
"But why?"
"Why does the emperor have a harem?"
XiaoYanZi frowned.
"A chief reason is to ensure an heir. But also because...marriage is not just for securing alliances between nations; it is also one way an emperor secures his power and keeps order among his officials. Do you truly think all the women in the Palace clamor for HuangShang's attention out of love? Or that HuangShang shows favor only based on his own whims?"
XiaoYanZi's frown deepened, "why are you telling me?"
"Because if things advance as expected, you need to know."
"I don't understand…"
"It is not a coincidence that Yongqi is the only AhGe HuangShang has decided to bring on this trip."
"But…I thought...HuangAhMa asked me and ZiWei…"
"He is fond of you both; you should not doubt his affection. All the exceptions he made for you two, all the times he protected you when he should have punished you...the two of you really are his left and right hands. But XiaoYanZi, HuangShang has also always had high hopes for Yongqi."
"You're saying…"
"I dare not confirm it...such things are never directly spoken of so openly...but the signs are there, the understanding already exists."
"Oh."
XaoYanZi was quiet before she asked in a small voice, "why didn't anyone tell me?"
"I expect no one thought they had to."
"I married Yongqi." XiaoYanZi said after a long silence.
"And he loves you because you see him as Yongqi and not as Wu-AhGe. But...ZhiHua may only be the beginning."
"I…I have a lot of thinking to do…"
Qing-er nodded. "XiaoYanZi...I wish I never had to say anything…"
"I'm glad you did." XiaoYanZi tried to smile, "I...I've always hated being ignorant. And this way...this way at least I can try to prepare."
XiaoYanZi could not hide her relief as they departed the Chen estate. Qing-er had watched her after their conversation for any signs of disquiet, but other than being a little bit more subdued when in LaoFoYe's presence, XiaoYanZi seemed otherwise in good spirits. Qing-er wondered if XiaoYanZi had adopted the philosophy of out of sight, out of mind. She didn't know if that was the best approach, but...she had spoken her piece; she had no control over what XiaoYanZi will do with the information. At least...at least XiaoYanZi had ZiWei at her side.
Her gaze did cross with his and she paused at the entrance of the carriage. The years he had been away...he may have been out of sight, but he was never truly out of her mind. She forced herself to blink and enter the carriage. Busying herself with helping LaoFoYe settle, she was struck with the thought that whether he was XiaoJian or FangYan, she still loved him. It was without reason, without logic.
"Qing-er?"
"Yes LaoFoYe?"
"You mustn't feel as though I am replacing you in my affections."
"Such a thought never crossed Qing-er's mind."
"As much I like ZhiHua, you will forever be my Qing-er."
"Yes LaoFoYe."
The dowager empress patted her hand and for the first time, Qing-er wondered what LaoFoYe had been like in her youth. Did she see herself in ZhiHua? Did she love the previous emperor? Did she ever feel lonely? Did she have her own friendships?
"What is it, Qing-er?"
But those were not questions one asked LaoFoYe, even if the person was Qing-er. "Nothing. Just a little tired."
"Ah my Qing-er, you are not used to being on the road this much. Worry not, we'll be travelling by water to HangZhou; that ought to eliminate some of this bumpiness."
They not only travelled by boat but were also staying on boats. It took a little getting used to, but Qing-er soon found the rocking motion rather soothing.
She saw the fleeting look of sadness on LingFeiNiangNiang's face as she answered LaoFoYe's inquiries regarding the planned activities for the emperor. They all knew he wasn't truly speaking of serious matters with the region's magistrates. But that was what was expected of a royal consort, wasn't it? To pretend otherwise; to look the other way.
She was relieved to hear XiaoYanZi's voice and rushed out to greet her friend.
"Where is everyone else?" LaoFoYe asked as the two ladies returned.
"They're on their way. ErKang, Yongqi, and brother are doing one more check of the perimeters."
LaoFoYe nodded approvingly, "very responsible of them."
"HuangAhMa's and LaoFoYe's safety is of utmost importance." XiaoYanZi declared.
"On such a lovely night, what do you youngsters have planned?" LingFei asked.
"ZiWei wanted to have a poetry competition, to see how many poems about XiHu we could recall. I wanted to borrow Qing-er to help me. But since LaoFoYe and LingFeiNiangNiang are both still awake, you should join my team as well!"
"That gives you an unfair advantage," Qing-er protested.
"Well, no one else had thought to prohibit me from forming a team!"
LaoFoYe laughed, "very clever of you. But Qing-er is right, the advantage would be much too great."
"Oh fine," XiaoYanZi grumbled.
"You could just play in teams to start," Qing-er suggested.
XiaoYanZi visibly perked up, "we could, couldn't we?"
The rest of the youngsters made their appearance and offered their greetings.
Somehow, Qing-er found herself paired with FangYan. It should have been awkward, but as they got into the swing of the game, she felt his competitiveness ignite her own spirit.
Towards the end, it was down to them and ZiWei and ErKang. And when their friends paused, XiaoYanZi started counting backwards from ten.
"No more poems?"
ErKang and ZiWei looked at each other woefully and shook their heads.
"Oh!" Qing-er spoke then and provided a final one.
ErKang and ZiWei inclined their heads. "And with that we definitely admit to our loss."
XiaoYanZi laughed and clapped.
"We make a good team," FangYan told her.
"Yes, we do." She smiled back at him.
"Alright, the hour is late now," LaoFoYe's voice interrupted the moment, "and we have a full day tomorrow."
Her friends left obediently, but she did catch FangYan turning back at the doorway to look at her with a last smile. It was so reminiscent of their first meeting that she couldn't help but feel that even though no words had been exchanged, something had been rekindled.
She wasn't the only one who noticed. LaoFoYe watched the interactions among the youngsters over the next few days. She couldn't deny that FangYan was not without talent. And her Qing-er certainly seemed to remain partial to him. But she also remembered Qing-er's quietness when the man had left, two years ago. Qing-er had always been a quiet child, but her sadness was not hard for LaoFoYe to see. The dowager empress had not liked XiaoJian, was relieved that the man's absence had caused the return of her sweet, obedient, seemingly happy Qing-er. She watched her Qing-er carefully after the man joined their party and was proud that her grand-daughter seemed much more cautious with her heart this time. But the peacefulness and loveliness of their surroundings seemed to make Qing-er soften and let down her guard again. Oh, they still hadn't done anything untoward, but she wasn't blind. The way they looked at each other...she wondered if FangYan would approach the matter differently than XiaoJian had done.
"You seem surprised that I have granted you this audience."
FangYan inclined his head respectfully, "LaoFoYe does not have the most favorable impression of me."
"No, I do not." She didn't think he was one to mince words. And truly, despite his change in name and his acceptance of a court position, she remained suspicious of his abilities truly to acclimate and succeed in a way that would make him worthy of her Qing-er.
He seemed to read her mind as he stated, "I have no excuses other than to say that I was a different person then."
"And yet the past is the best predictor for the future."
"But I truly believe man is able to change. With hardship, experience, and time."
"Time...a luxury of which my Qing-er does not have an indefinite supply."
"LaoFoYe is aware then, of my intent."
The dowager empress snorted, "You would steal my Qing-er from me."
"That would have been true two years ago."
"Oh?" His honesty surprised her.
"She was my compensation, for the wrong my family suffered."
"I see."
"But it would have been unfair to her."
"Unfair?"
"Qing-GeGe is not an object but a person in her own right. And she deserves to be treated as such."
"Is that why you left?"
"I left because she refused to let me take her away."
"Did she?" LaoFoYe couldn't help but feel a burst of pride.
"And she was right to refuse. I did not deserve her."
"And you think you deserve her now?"
"I do not. But I am selfish enough to ask for her."
"You must know I have no intention of agreeing."
"Yes."
"Then we find ourselves at an impasse."
"I still want to try."
"So you come asking for my terms."
"Yes."
"And if I say nothing in the world would make me agree?"
"I believe LaoFoYe cares enough for Qing-er that you will at least set some standards."
As he withstood her evaluating look steadily, she begrudgingly admitted to herself that he was not without courage.
"A year," she said at last.
He waited.
"You must be promoted to the highest level of your position."
He inclined his head.
"No scandal must be attached to your name. You will not see my Qing-er more than custom dictates. You will not allow your sister and your friends to create opportunities."
He nodded again.
"At the end of the year, whether or not you fulfill those requirements, I will host the tournament that Qing-er has declined. She is not a prize to be won, but my Qing-er deserves the best. If you are able to enter, it will be your chance to prove your worth. If you do not qualify, then you will allow her to choose among the candidates."
"Thank you, LaoFoYe."
"Qing-er will not know about this. I will not have you give her false hope."
He bowed.
"So we have ourselves a deal?"
"Yes, LaoFoYe."
"Good."
He bowed again before departing.
ErKang whistled, "that is a tall order."
"Is it?"
"To jump four levels...that usually takes years."
"I only have one."
ErKang shook his head, "You do know she's setting you up to fail?"
FangYan shrugged, "it's better than what I expected."
"Hmmm...Yongqi and I will both help you where we can." Seeing that his friend was going to refuse, ErKang said, "accept it. You are out of your depth here; you'll need all the help you can get."
FangYan sighed.
ErKang clapped him on the shoulder, "my pride also made me want to refuse your help, but for ZiWei…"
"Qing-er is worth it." FangYan said determinedly.
ErKang nodded but then added, "XiaoYanZi will not like it."
"She doesn't have to. I gave my word."
ErKang nodded again.
"Although...XiaoYanZi will have her own troubles soon enough, won't she?"
"How do you mean?"
"HuangShang intends to name Yongqi taizi, doesn't he?"
"It's dangerous to speculate…"
FangYan shook his head, "but it's highly plausible."
ErKang sighed and it was answer enough.
"She will not like it." FangYan echoed ErKang's earlier words.
"Qing-er spoke to her."
"Did she?"
"XiaoYanZi told ZiWei."
"Who of course told you."
"Yes."
"And?"
"We should have warned her, back in the beginning."
"It would not have changed the outcome."
"You sound very certain."
"She loves him."
"But enough to accept others? She was so jealous of that one girl, even before they were officially a couple."
"That is a struggle she must go through on her own. We can only support her as we are able."
ErKang tilted his head, "I thought you would have railed against the situation."
"XiaoJian would have," he agreed, "but FangYan does not have that luxury, does he? Neither XiaoYanZi nor I can just run away anymore."
"XiaoYanZi, stop."
"Get out of my way."
FangYan shook his head, "no."
"Get out of my way!" She lifted her fist.
"No."
She frowned but attacked him.
Yongqi and ZiWei cried out her name in distress, but FangYan had no qualms about using his skills against his sister, not in the present situation.
A heavily panting XiaoYanZi at last seemed to sag in on herself.
Yongqi rushed towards her, "XiaoYanZi, are you hurt? FangYan, did you have to be so heavy handed?"
"Don't blame brother," XiaoYanZi's voice was soft. "I'm not hurt."
"XiaoYanZi…"
"I just don't like to see HuangAhMa like this."
"I don't either," ZiWei said soothingly.
XiaoYanZi looked at her sworn sister while shaking her head, "it's not the same."
"How do you mean?"
"I look at HuangAhMa now and I…"
"You're afraid it's a foreshadowing of what could happen in the future."
XiaoYanZi saw the compassion in her brother's eyes and felt tears well up despite herself. "I…"
"What are you talking about?" Yongqi asked, confused.
ErKang and ZiWei traded a look.
"Well?" Yongqi, his arm around his wife, demanded into the silence.
"I don't want to be a phoenix; I just want to stay a XiaoYanZi."
Yongqi turned his attention back to his wife, "XiaoYanZi?"
She just shook her head as the tears began to fall.
"You should take her back to your boat for some rest," FangYan suggested, "and an honest conversation about the future."
"The future?"
"HuangAhMa's envisioned future for you," ZiWei said helpfully.
"HuangAhMa's..." Yongqi paled, "who told her?"
His friends hesitated.
"Qing-er did," XiaoYanZi's voice remained subdued.
"She had no right…"
"No. I'm glad she did. Brother is right, we need to talk."
"There is nothing to discuss; everything is still conjecture."
"LaoFoYe doesn't think so, else she wouldn't be so determined to bring ZhiHua back to BeiJing."
"XiaoYanZi…"
"I thought it would be enough. I thought learning chengyu and poetry and history would be enough. I thought MianYi and Nan-er would be enough. But they're not, are they? HuangHouNiangNiang and LingFeiNiangNiang, they're both educated, come from important families, have children of their own, and yet still they must share HuangAhMa."
"It's not the same." Yongqi insisted.
"You're right, it's not. My family is not near as important."
"XiaoYanZi…"
ErKang coughed, "You really should not be discussing this matter in the open."
Yongqi looked at his friend and then back at XiaoYanZi's expression. He started walking and was relieved that XiaoYanZi let him steer her in the direction of their boat.
ZiWei sighed, "I don't know if it was right or wrong for Qing-er to tell her."
"It's something they would have to face eventually."
ZiWei nodded at ErKang's words but her expression remained troubled. "I don't know how I can help her. When we faced a similar situation…" she paused before asking, "are we truly so odd to want to love one person, to be with just one person?"
"How often are marriages based on love in our society?"
ZiWei sighed, "I know what you mean to say. HuangENiang had told us once that she respected our opinions, even if she didn't understand them. We should respect others' ways of life even if we do not agree with them…"
"Do you think HuangAhMa truly loves XiaYingYing?" She asked him after a moment.
"I don't know." ErKang said honestly.
"If he does...then we should be the ones to understand him."
"Does it matter?"
The couple turned to look at FangYan; their expressions made it obvious that they had forgotten he was present. It was such a rare thing for a couple to be so perfectly in tune with each other. FangYan could not help but feel envious.
"It doesn't really matter, does it?" FangYan answered his own questions. "LaoFoYe will never allow it. And when it comes to matters of the Inner Palace, LaoFoYe still rules supreme."
ErKang and ZiWei traded a look. FangYan wasn't wrong.
"And yet...the way HuangAhMa looked just now...I've never seen him like that, not even with HanXiang."
"And from what XiaYinYin said, LaoFoYe was on the dragon boat, had tried to stop HuangAhMa already."
"Speaking of Xia guniang...did either of you notice that she didn't seem all that willing to accept HuangShang's attention? It wasn't that she didn't want to leave, but rather HuangShang would not let her leave."
ErKang and ZiWei traded another look.
Before they could respond, however, a maid arrived summoning ZiWei.
"Me? Are you certain HuangAhMa asked for just me?"
The maid nodded, "HuangShang asked that ZiWei GeGe arrive alone."
ZiWei frowned but followed the maid towards the dragon boat.
ZiWei at once felt the tense atmosphere. She tried not to shake as she offered greetings to both LaoFoYe and HuangAhMa.
She answered her father's questions as honestly as she could, adding, "ZiWei is touched that HuangAhMa feels so strongly for mother after all these years, and this Xia guniang's songs do remind me of words mother's heart wanted to say. But...this Xia guniang is not mother. To treat her as such is an insult both to mother and to Xia guniang herself."
"How can you say that? How can becoming GuiFei be an insult?"
Remembering FangYan's words, ZiWei observed, "HuangAhMa, mother had a soft, gentle personality, but this Xia guniang seems to have a will as strong as steel. How would she feel if she knew that for HuangAhMa, she was someone's replacement?"
ZiWei's question reminded the emperor that XiaYinYin herself had stated that she didn't want to be anyone's shadow. And yet…
LaoFoYe spoke up, "ZiWei speaks truthfully. I heard XiaYinYin say herself that even had I not arrived, she would have gone."
ZiWei seized the opportunity, "HuangAhMa's regard is a great honor, becoming GuiFei is a goal so many women would die for, but has HuangAhMa asked Xia guniang what her wishes are? ZiWei knows HuangAhMa to be not only a great emperor but also an honorable man, else HuangAhMa would not have accepted me, cared for me, shown me such favor these years. HuangAhMa surely would not force Xia guniang to submit if she did not wish to? She may be from a less than reputable place, but she is still her own individual."
The emperor seemed like he would relent, but then he set his chin, "You know nothing of XiaYinYin. All you say is but conjecture."
"No, I do not," ZiWei admitted, "but I am also a woman. I feel as a woman does. What woman does not wish to be respected, loved, cherished for herself?"
The silence was long following her question.
At last, LaoFoYe stood, "HuangShang. You are also not just a man but the emperor. These days, you have neglected your official duties in favor of music and song. You are beholden to more than your own whims. Or have you forgotten what happened in ShanDong, what happened to the Fang family as a result of your negligence? ZiWei speaks to you as a woman, I speak to you on behalf of the country. Xia Yin Yin has survived this long without you, but the country cannot last without its emperor."
"Come along, ZiWei, I find myself with a headache. Help me to my boat."
"Yes, LaoFoYe."
ZiWei spared a last worried look at her father before holding on to her grandmother's arm.
The two ladies walked in silence before ZiWei thought to say, "Shall I summon the royal physician for LaoFoYe's headache?"
The dowager empress shook her head. "I know my son. The more I press him, the more he'll dig his heels in. He had always been thus, even as a child. I was so angry that I forgot for a moment. Just as I had forgotten what a man in the full swing of lust can be like."
"LaoFoYe?"
"You cannot think you are the only child your HuangAhMa has fathered under similar circumstances?"
ZiWei was shocked into silence at the dowager empress's frankness.
"I had been so against recognizing you not just because I didn't believe you, but also because I had no wish for a dangerous precedent to be set."
She paused before adding, "that XiaYinYin…had she been born into a better family, I would have enjoyed seeing how she would have done in the inner palace. A pity."
"ZiWei!" ErKang stopped his pacing and immediately went to his wife's side on her return.
"Are you alright? How did it go? What did HuangAhMa say?"
ZiWei snuggled into his embrace, "ErKang..."
"What's wrong?"
She leaned on him, "I...did HuangAhMa truly love mother? Or was mother like XiaYinYin? Powerless to stop HuangAhMa's advances?"
"ZiWei?"
"The words HuangAhMa said before mother's grave...I no longer know whether or not to believe them."
"What has happened?"
ZiWei told him.
"Oh ZiWei…"
"I want to believe there was love, that it was more than mere lust. But..."
"HuangAhMa cannot love as we do. But he did care for your mother. The way he favors you surely speaks to that."
ZiWei nodded, feeling reassured, "And Yongqi?"
"Yongqi?"
"He cannot afford to love as we do either, can he? The promise you made me...he is not at liberty to make the same promise to XiaoYanZi."
"Yongqi...Yongqi's path is for him to decide."
She finally loosened her hold on him. "Will HuangAhMa and LaoFoYe allow him a choice?"
He sighed, "I don't know."
"What did you tell HuangAhMa when he spoke with you about it?"
"That I trust Yongqi's judgement."
"But?"
"But his heart is his weakness."
ZiWei murmured, "HuangAhMa is still young. There are still other little AhGe's who may prove to have equal talent."
ErKang nodded.
She hugged him close again, "ErKang, I do love you so."
He pressed a kiss to her brow, "And I you."
The empress didn't think her heart could shatter more. But the way he spoke to her...these years, she had done her best to devote herself to prayer, to make up for her past mistakes. That she was included on this trip was his recognition of her good behavior. It did not mean, though, that he truly forgave her.
"NiangNiang…"
She shook her head, "RongMoMo, you need not offer any empty words of comfort. It's ever been thus. In such a state, he will not see reason."
"NiangNiang…"
The empress placed the incense in the altar and kowtowed once more before setting down her prayer beads. Standing with RongMoMo's help, she said, "LaoFoYe is right. I am not a nun. I am still HuangHou. He has determined that I am at fault. Very well then, I will be at fault."
"NiangNiang, do not do anything rash!"
The empress straightened her shoulders, "RongMoMo, what I am about to do will also help pay off our debt to XiaoYanZi."
"NiangNiang cannot mean…"
"I should have done it from the beginning."
"HuangHou, what is the meaning of this?"
The empress stood her ground even as the emperor threw her petition at her feet.
"Chengqie is at fault for not notifying HuangShang sooner. But based on appearance, talent, and age, ChenZhiHua may well be FuchaHuangHou's reincarnation. Chengqie knows that HuangShang has never forgotten FuchaHuangHou. Chengqie is willing to step down from the empress position to enable HuangShang to reunite with his lost love."
"Ridiculous! ChenZhiHua is a child!"
"Chenqie has already spoke with LaoFoYe; she has sent for ChenZhiHua, to see if the resemblance is real."
"You…" the emperor pointed an accusing finger at her, "you are in league with HuangENiang to force my hand!"
The empress knelt and kowtowed, "As HuangHou, I am beholden to act in HuangShang's best interest. HuangShang's happiness is paramount; chengqie is merely performing chengqie's duty."
She did not flinch even when a teacup shattered on the ground in front of her.
"Get out!"
With dignity, the empress stood, bowed, and walked out of the room and off the boat with her head held high.
She wasn't surprised when he ordered her return to BeiJing. She gestured for RongMoMo to take the proclamation.
"NiangNiang, HuangShang has ordered that cheng see to NiangNiang's comforts on your return. If NiangNiang has a preference for the route of travel..."
The empress rose to her feet, "Thank you, FuDaRen. I trust in your abilities to arrange for the most expedited path."
"Cheng understands."
After FuLun left, RongMoMo turned to her mistress, "Is it worth it, NiangNiang?"
"Worth it?" the empress smiled grimly, "LaoFoYe is now in our debt. And whether or not he believes it, HuangShang will now always be reminded of FuchaHuangHou when he sees ChenZhiHua. He cannot unsee it now that the idea has been put into his head. He will not be able to stand seeing her appointed to his own son."
"But such an action surely ruins Chen jia xiaojie."
"Someone has to be sacrificed. Why should it not be her? She would have learned sooner or later, once she joined the palace, that she could either be the one sacrificed, or the one who determines who is sacrificed. Besides, LaoFoYe, in underestimating the hold XiaoYanZi has over Yongqi, has already determined which role ChenZhiHua would play."
"Still…"
"I will of course devote the rest of my life to prayer, to make up for this last wrong that I have committed."
She didn't expect the children to come see her off on her journey back to the capital. Despite everything, she couldn't help but feel touched.
"You should not be here. If your HuangAhMa hears…"
XiaoYanZi shook her head, "We could not let HuangENiang leave without a proper send-off."
"Go back," the empress said gently, "I have RongMoMo with me."
"We know you will take care of HuangHouNiangNiang," ZiWei said, "but RongMoMo, do take care of yourself too?"
"Thank you, GeGe."
"Alright, go on now."
"HuangENiang." XiaoYanZi knelt and kowtowed.
Alarmed, the empress stepped forward, "XiaoYanZi, what is the meaning of this? Get up!"
"HuangENiang," Yongqi spoke, his voice choked with emotion, "let her. What you have done for us…"
He too knelt.
"WuAhGe!"
He shook his head as he took XiaoYanZi's hand in his, "Qing-er explained it to us. We can never thank HuangENiang enough."
The empress raised them both to their feet, "Yongqi, XiaoYanZi...ever since ZiWei and XiaoYanZi used their golden plaques to save me and RongMoMo, our lives have not been our own. I am not someone who likes to be in anyone's debt. Still...what I did...it was not just for you. I only pray that it will wake up HuangShang from his delusion…"
"HuangAhMa is cruel to punish you for only trying to help him."
The empress found herself smiling at XiaoYanZi's bluntness, "Even after all these years...XiaoYanZi, I hope your spirit is never broken. I have been able to shield you this time, but in the future, you'll still have to face these things."
XiaoYanZi bowed her head.
Qing-er stepped forward then with a basket, "LaoFoYe dared not come herself, but she did send these cakes. They are NiangNiang's favorite."
The empress nodded, "LaoFoYe is kind."
RongMoMo took the basket in hand.
"Alright, all of you. Your well wishes I will take with me. I look forward to our reunion when you return to BeiJing."
The youngsters watched her board the boat. The ladies waved their handkerchiefs even long after the caravan of boats passed out of sight.
"It's not fair," XiaoYanZi grumbled as they turned back on the path.
"Life isn't fair," Qing-er murmured, "particularly a life in the palace."
XiaoYanZi scowled.
"I hope as HuangHouNiangNiang does, that HuangAhMa will wake up."
Surprisingly, it was Yongqi who chuckled.
"What's so funny?" XiaoYanZi asked.
"I was just thinking of your nickname for HuangAhMa, when we had been on the road."
"Sleeping Dragon, wasn't it?" FangYan asked.
"Sleeping Dragon?" Qing-er asked.
ErKang nodded, "A Sleeping Dragon who needed to wake to see the truth."
"And he did wake," ZiWei said with a brightness that was only slightly forced, "and he will this time too."
The emperor did wake. XiaYinYin's continued refusal, eloquently as she had uttered her thoughts, was still a refusal. HuangHou's petition, the black ink strokes stark against the white of the paper, mocked him but also stirred his conscious enough that he began to have some doubt as to his reasons for wanting XiaYinYin. His mother's disappointed look, his children's subdued company...these were all things that did manage to seep through the wall of fury and stubbornness he had built around himself.
The arrival of ChenZhiHua was like a douse of cold water. He had so easily dismissed HuangHou's words initially, but he still couldn't help but look for vestiges of his first empress in this young girl's face. And he found them. Oh yes, he found them. He saw not the RongYing who became mother of the country but the RongYing who first became his bride. In addition to the physical resemblance, he saw the innocence, the shyness, the eagerness to please. And when she presented LaoFoYe with a painting of the rock garden of her home, he saw shadows of RongYing's brushstrokes. How had he missed it the first time?
But she wasn't RongYing, he reminded himself. RongYing only had brothers and ChenZhiHua only has sisters.
LaoFoYe noticed her son's scrutiny of the girl. It was a relief that his fervor with regards to XiaYinYin had cooled. She had been shocked at HaungHou's observation, did not know if she truly believed in reincarnation, leastwise not with regard to this matter, but she couldn't deny that something had to be done. And if HuangShang truly formed an attachment...ZhiHua was far more impressionable and thus easier to control.
The message from the new official of ShanDong requesting assistance, was another impetus for the emperor to curtail the trip.
Yongqi saw the scowl on his father's face. "HuangAhMa, what's the matter?"
"LiDaRen is an honest man, but so much resources had been squandered by his predecessor that he is feeling the pressure of providing for so many with too little. After what has happened, the people also have little trust in his abilities."
Yongqi thought and suggested, "why does HuangAhMa not send FangYan back? He can serve as a liaison between the people and the government. It would also raise morale."
"He is still untried, his title only nominal. The people may love him but the officials…"
"Then I will accompany him," Yongqi offered, "the officials dare not outright go against a prince."
"Speak to him," the emperor decided after a moment of thought, "ask him to submit a report by the end of the week of any solutions he can think of for the situation. If I find them reasonable, I will grant him this opportunity."
"Thank you, HuangAhMa."
They did not stay for much longer in HangZhou. Qing-er thought it just as well. Though the matter with XiaYinYin had been resolved, the drama had affected everyone.
ZhiHua was curious as to the change in atmosphere, Qing-er could tell, but the younger lady also knew when to hold her tongue. And the further away they traveled from HangZhou, the more normal things seemed to be. Qing-we could tell LaoFoYe was relieved.
ZhiHua's presence also served as a distraction as LaoFoYe taught her the rules and manners of the palace.
"It's all so new," ZhiHua admitted to Qing-er.
"But you're learning well."
"Certainly better than I had," XiaoYanZi remarked cheerfully as she and ZiWei joined them in the pagoda.
ZiWei hid a smile, "I can only imagine. Poor RongMoMo…"
"Well...I didn't see a point of learning when I was going to return the GeGe position to you."
ZiWei inclined her head.
"Oh?" ZhiHua looked curious. "I've heard some rumors, but certainly never the whole story."
"What have you heard?"
"Well, father had been shocked at the news that HuangShang had recognized two commoners as GeGe. But then someone mentioned that the two of you can't be commoners at all. It's said that one had been a bird who transformed into human form when HuangShang shot it during the hunt while the other is in truth a flower fairy who saved HuangShang's life."
XiaoYanZi laughed, "you can't be serious!"
"I saw the traveling puppeteer tell the story myself."
"As far fetched as it sounds," Qing-er noted, "reality is just as fantastic."
ZiWei nodded thoughtfully, "indeed. Even I have trouble believing it at times, despite having lived it."
"Could I hear it?"
XiaoYanZi and ZiWei looked at each other.
"I don't see why not," ZiWei at last answered.
And so, with gusto, XiaoYanZi launched into an animated retelling of their adventures.
Qing-er noticed that it was an edited version compared with the one she had been told. But it was understandable that her friends did not fully trust ZhiHua. She herself could not help but keep up her guard. If ZiWei and XiaoYanZi had thought her to be LaoFoYe's spy, then ZhiHua was even more so LaoFoYe's person. Still, it wasn't in her friends truly to be mean. Weary, yes, but they were both too kind not to be at least somewhat friendly.
"Ah, it does my heart good to see the four of you getting along."
The young ladies stood and gave the proper greetings to the emperor and the dowager empress.
"LaoFoYe, why didn't you send word that you had risen?" Qing-er at once helped her grandmother sit.
"Hmm. I can manage well enough. Besides, HuangShang was with me."
The emperor smiled at the gathered young ladies, "HuangENiang, look, it seems we have our own QinQiShuHua."
"Oh?"
"ZiWei, Qing-er, and ZhiHua are each talented in their own ways. And zhen has often said XiaoYanZi is a qiren (marvel of a person)."
"HuangAhMa," XiaoYanZi protested, "I may not be as knowledgeable as them, but I am also not without talent now."
"Although your martial arts has improved much, they are not classically the talents of a lady."
"Oh I didn't mean that! Brother has been teaching me to play the xiao and he says I definitely have Fang family blood that helps make me a natural."
"Oh? Are you certain he's not just saying that to placate you?"
"HuangAhMa, you don't know brother! He never gives false praise, even to me, his own sister. He is honest almost to a fault."
"Ah, most unlike you then."
At the disgruntled look on her sworn sister's face, ZiWei spoke up, "XiaoYanZi does speak the truth this time. Would HuangAhMa like to hear and judge for himself?"
"Even if HuangShang isn't curious, I certainly am."
The emperor smiled again, "very well. Since LaoFoYe has indicated an interest. But XiaoYanZi, if your playing is not up to par, then you'll have to be punished for your boasting."
"Deal." XiaoYanZi said without hesitation.
"Such confidence!" The emperor declared with clear amusement.
XiaoYanZi just smiled and asked for someone to fetch her instrument.
The tune was simple but it was played very well.
"Well, what is HuangAhMa's verdict?"
The emperor pretended to think consideringly at first, "it is not the most masterfully song I've heard, and certainly nowhere near the level of your brother's expertise…"
XiaoYanZi squirmed in her seat, making the emperor smile, "but it is not hideous to listen to. What do you think, HuangENiang?"
LaoFoYe nodded, "I may even call it enjoyable."
XiaoYanZi beamed.
"Alright XiaoYanZi, I suppose you've escaped punishment this time."
"Hmmm...since HuangShang has called the four of you QinQiShuHua, I trust we may be treated to performances similar to those of the Chen sisters? Qing-er, it's a chance for you to pick up your pipa again."
ZiWei and XiaoYanZi looked in surprise at their friend.
"You never told us you played an instrument too."
Qing-er bent her head modestly, "I haven't played for years, not since…" she paused.
ZiWei had a sneaking suspicion as to the reason her friend stopped playing. "Well, we happen to be short a pipa player."
Qing-er caught ZiWei's eye and nodded slightly to show her gratitude, "then we must practice together."
The emperor laughed, "hmmm, zhen looks forward to your performance! But official duties call, so zhen will leave you ladies."
LaoFoYe also stood, "LingFei and I had intended to visit the local temple."
Qing-er also rose but the dowager empress shook her head, "No. There's no need for you all to accompany us. Go on, I too look forward to your performance."
Qing-er wasn't surprised when ZiWei sought her out more privately.
"Qing-er…"
"You wish to ask me about FangYan."
ZiWei nodded. "I thought I saw signs that the two of you had reconciled."
"We are still friends."
"Could you ever love him again?"
Qing-er decided to be honest with her friend, "I never stopped loving him."
"Then…"
"He has to figure out who he is, what he wants, without the burden of angst and revenge taking over his life. He cannot fully be mine until he has made peace with himself. Similarly, I had to discover my own limits, find my own self worth."
"It's a different way of thinking," Qing-er added, "to want a relationship in which I am an equal. All that I've been taught dictates that I be passive and obedient. But seeing you and ErKang, Yongqi and XiaoYanZi and comparing your relationships with those of HuangShang and his consorts...I want to have my own voice."
"I never thought of it that way," ZiWei admitted.
"It may be in part FangYan's influence as well. Without the burden of demonstrating our affection, we've been able to converse more philosophically. He has such novel thoughts about people, about gender roles, about governance; some that are surely dangerous to utter out loud. It's been a revelation."
"You're getting to know each other, properly this time." ZiWei reflected.
Qing-er nodded. "We had to stop being figures in stories to each other."
It seemed a matter of course that Yongqi was made RongQinWang on his return from ShanDong. FangYan's position had also been changed from that of a wuguan to that of a wenguan.
"It seems counterintuitive," FangYan admitted to ErKang, "and playing politics truly tries my patience, but more than the sword, the pen is the way to make the most difference in the people's lives. Well...really it's the coin that holds the most sway, but that's under the purview of those with pens in hand."
He, ErKang, and Yongqi became a force to be reckoned with. And when ErTai at last returned from abroad, a carriage of children in tow, the four young men gained quite the reputation for being an unbreakable circle.
Their wives also gained their own reputation for their generosity. XiaoYanZi in particular seemed to take her new position as WangFei to heart and helped establish orphanages and homes for the elderly. Even LaoFoYe only complained of her more out of habit than true annoyance.
One side effect FangYan did not foresee.
ErTai looked in amusement at his companion's expression, "Ah, WenDaRen has tried to tell you about his daughter again?"
FangYan's scowl deepened, "it's not just WenDaRen."
"You know, most would kill to be in your position."
FangYan shook his head, "I cannot avoid attending meals at their homes; I know the importance of keeping up alliances and relationships…"
"If it makes you feel better, SaiYa has threatened physically to kick all visiting FuRen's and their daughters out of XueShiFu."
FangYan's groan made it obvious that his feelings were quite to the contrary.
"Right...and so ENiang has determined that only she and ZiWei are allowed to host the visiting ladies."
"I'm sorry they've been dragged into my mess."
ErTai shrugged, "it was inevitable. RongQinWangFu is too heavily guarded, particularly with XiaoYanZi expecting again, and so they have had to settle for XueShiFu."
"Although," ErKang remarked as he entered the room, "we will have to tighten security around XueShiFu as well."
His self-satisfied smile clearly revealed the reason.
Congratulations were offered.
"Although if you plan to catch up to ErTai, you still have a ways to go."
ErKang shook his head, "that is not an arena in which I plan to compete. ZiWei's health is not the strongest; I know that with each child I run the potential of losing her. And our children should not be left to be orphans."
"Orphans?"
"I could not live without her," ErKang said seriously.
ErTai shook his head, "brother..."
"I know it'd be selfish, but…"
Yongqi coughed, "let us not tempt fate."
They spoke of more serious things then, but FangYan, thinking on his own parents, thought he understood ErKang. It was not a path he would take. Nor, he suspected, one that Qing-er would choose. He had kept up his end of the bargain with LaoFoYe and kept a respectable distance. The soft glow of the lanterns for the the new year's celebration, however, had accentuated the sadness in her eyes.
"My clearest memory of my ENiang was of her helping me decorate lanterns."
He steadied her as she drew back from the banks and counted it a victory that she did not stiffen or pull away from him. Still, he was careful not to let his touch linger.
They watched the lanterns float on the surface of the lake in companionable silence.
"Mother used to have me and father help her make the yuanxiao. She said they tasted sweeter when we made them as a family."
"No child should grow up an orphan," Qing-er murmured softly.
"Qing-er…"
What words he wanted to say, however, were interrupted as Nan-er announced herself.
"Qing-er gugu, will you come judge our lanterns? ENiang says you are most impartial."
Qing-er's smile chased away her sadness, "lead the way!"
Nan-er grinned broadly and pulled Qing-er along.
FangYan watched her part form his side again, but couldn't help but smile at the sweetness of the scene.
"Someday, that will be yours and Qing-er's daughter."
He turned towards ErKang, "I have only a month left to gain one more level."
"That you have already jumped three levels in such a short time is more than impressive."
FangYan shook his head, "LaoFoYe will not show any lenience."
"Do not lose hope."
"I have hope, I just need an opportunity."
Be careful what you wish for, he thought to himself when HuangShang assigned him to the party being sent to YunNan to address the unrest at the border with Burma. He did not have high hopes for peace, particularly as ErKang shared with him information about the preparations being made within the military. HuangShang may be a benevolent ruler, but he still had the arrogance of a conqueror.
He went as part of the diplomatic party but then stayed on to help train the troops. ErTai joined him soon enough and they prepared themselves for battle.
"HuangShang did not send Yongqi?"
ErTai shook his head, "he and ErKang will be moving against HeShan."
"Ah." The timing was appropriate; HuanShang would not stand for corruption particularly when resources were needed for this war.
"It's a shame you are not there to see the matter through," ErTai remarked.
FangYan shrugged. He had been the first to notice irregularities and the one to insist on an investigation. "HuangShang must have thought my skills were better suited elsewhere."
"Hmmm." ErTai made a noncommittal sound before changing the topic. "You are past the one year deadline, are you not afraid LaoFoYe will go ahead and host the tournament in your absence?"
FangYan sighed, "hopefully she'll decide that the expenditure at such a time would be unreasonable."
FangYan did not know until later that other events also kept LaoFoYe from hosting a tournament.
The arrest of HeShan and other associated major officials on charges of treason, theft, and negligence rocked the capital. Most praised the young men who refilled the royal coffers at a time when gold was in demand, but others saw it as a dangerous sign that RongQinWang was consolidating his power for a possible coup. The emperor was getting older and, with officials like HeShan finding a way to curry enough favor to gain a princess as a daughter-in-law, may be becoming more lenient than was good for the country. The fact that even as a distant relative of LaoFoYe, HeShan was unable to escape punishment also set tongues wagging as the older families began to feel uneasy.
The matter came to a head when Yongqi made a vow in front of all gathered for court one morning that he would forever remain just a QinWang and had no designs on the throne.
Ignoring the whispers of the officials, Yongqi waited for his father's reaction.
Yongqi's conflict had been obvious in the few times the emperor had tried to hint at the future. More recently, however, Yongqi had seemed more resolute. The emperor was not altogether surprised at his decision, but still could not keep from feeling disappointed.
"Zhen believes you have no treasonous thoughts," the emperor said out loud, "you have ever been a filial child. Whether or not you gain other titles we will discuss at another time. For now, we must determine the extent of the crimes so that we can settle on the appropriate punishment."
Court was dismissed early, but Yongqi knew a confrontation was coming.
"He did what?!"
Qing-er had never seen LaoFoYe so upset.
"Has he gone mad? Wait...I know what this is. This is all XiaoYanZi's fault."
"LaoFoYe, be careful of your health," Qing-er said helplessly.
"I will not be calm! Not in the face of such stupidity."
"LaoFoYe…"
Qing-er coaxing, however, were interrupted as the emperor and Yongqi arrived together.
"Jixiang?" the dowager empress replied to their greetings, "how can I possibly do that after what you did today? What possessed you…"
"Yongqi begs for forgiveness for being selfish and stubborn."
"I won't stand for it!"
"HuangENiang...HuangENiang has said herself that XiaoYanZi does not have the temperament for a HuangHou."
"Just because she doesn't does not mean someone else does not!"
"I gave my vow," Yongqi shared, "in front of her parents' grave, that in this life I would love only XiaoYanZi."
"And you can still keep that vow."
"I promised I would never take another wife, concubines, or consorts."
"You…" LaoFoY pointed her finger at him but seemed unable to continue speaking directly to her grandson. Instead, she looked towards her son, "and you're going to let him do this?"
"Enough people have witnessed his proclamation."
"You're only doing it so that the matter with HeShan will be determined without bias," LaoFoYe, her voice more hopeful, looked again at Yongqi.
Yongqi shook his head "I had tried to tell LaoFoYe before, when LaoFoYe suggested that ZhiHua join my household, but LaoFoYe did not wish to listen." He turned to his father, "HuangAhMa...Yongqi is sorry, so very sorry to betray your trust, your hopes…but Yongqi asks that you indulge us this last time."
The emperor sighed, "Zhen has made it too much of a habit..."
"Is this because of the poisoning attempt? No harm came to XiaoYanZi or the child." LaoFoYe interrupted.
"It is and it isn't," Yongqi admitted, "ZiWei had once said, jia he wan shi xin. I only want a peaceful life for my children."
"They will always face dangers."
"But far less if I am not in line for the succession."
"HeQinWang is not someone you should seek to emulate!"
Yongqi remained unmoved, "ercheng will continue to be loyal and perform my duties. As QinWang, I will also have more freedom to act as my conscious dictates."
No matter how much LaoFoYe berated him, Yongqi remained unmoved. Father and son left soon to speak of other issues, leaving a deeply unhappy dowager empress.
"LaoFoYe?" Qing-er asked in concern as her grandmother winced and rubbed at a temple, "is it your headache again?"
The dowager empress sighed, "I'm getting old...and the grandchildren all know it. Else they wouldn't take such advantage of my age to be so disobedient."
"LaoFeYe...let Qing-er go help you lie down for a bit."
LaoFoYe sighed again but let Qing-er help her to her bed.
"Promise me, Qing-er...promise me you will never wound my heart like Yongqi has."
"Of course not. Qing-er promises, LaoFoYe."
"Good...good…"
When ZhiHua learned of the day's events, she frowned, "RongQinWang would really throw it all away?"
"He'll still be QingWang," Qing-er said quietly.
"I suppose, but…" she paused before saying, "What is her secret?"
"Whose?" Qing-er asked, genuinely confused.
"HuanZhuGeGe," ZhiHua clarified, "I've observed her; she's pretty enough, but not radiantly beautiful, her education is passable but without depth, and she's clever with little things but fails often to grasp the big picture. What does RongQinWang see in her that he would give up everything for her?"
"He's not giving up everything," Qing-er reminded her.
"Isn't he? He's wasted in being just a QinWang, everyone knows it."
"Such things are not for us to remark upon," Qing-er warned her.
ZhiHua obediently quieted, but Qing-er could tell by her frown that the younger lady was as confused as LaoFoYe.
Qing-er herself understood. In retrospect, she should have known that Yongqi would make such a decision. After all, hadn't he already made it once when he left everything to travel the world with XiaoYanZi? They had returned, yes, but because of XiaoYanZi's genuine love for the emperor as a father, not because she understood or wanted Yongqi's position. Was it selfishness or ignorance that prevented XiaoYanZi from understanding until Qing-er spoke with her? Qing-er sighed and decided to refocus on placating LaoFoYe; she wished she could help LaoFoYe understand her friends' philosophies.
Qing-er could not have predicted that ZhiHua would confront Yongqi herself. She accosted him within a secluded corner of CangShuLou.
ZhiHua appealed to his sense of ambition, of filial duty, even drawing upon the name of his departed mother, but Yongqi continued patiently to tell her that the decision had already been made.
"Because you love her."
"I do," he said without any hint of irony.
"And what about me?"
"You?"
"I also love you." She declared, "in the beginning, yes, I looked at you and I also saw an opportunity for a good match, the best match possible. But this past year...I have observed you and you really are as gifted and as talented as all the rumors."
"ZhiHua," his tone gained an element of weariness.
"I'm willing to put aside my ambition, I don't have to be HuangHou, but I cannot stand by and let watch you give up your destiny for someone undeserving."
"Surely it's up to me to decide who is undeserving."
Caught up in her thoughts, ZhiHua missed the hint of warning in his voice. "Especially since in looks, education, manners...in every way I am superior to her…"
"XiaoYanZi and I have a family together."
"I am young. I can also give you children."
"ZhiHua."
She once again ignored the warning in his voice, "LaoFoYe had promised my parents to arrange a good match for me; you are my best option."
"ZhiHua...as you say, you are young. There are plenty of princes from whom to choose."
"But I don't love any of them."
"ZhiHua, you don't know what you're saying. "
"Don't patronize me. I'm not blind. I see how ZiWei GeGe and EFu are with one another. I see how Qing-GeGe worries and finds ways to learn about the state of the war. Do not insult my intelligence."
"Then you should also see that my heart, my life revolves around XiaoYanZi. There is no room for another."
"I don't believe it. You are a prince, destined to be emperor."
Yongqi sighed, "I am but a man who loves his wife deeply."
She took a few steps towards him, "I refuse to believe you're not even a little tempted."
He quickly put the table between them, "ZhiHua, you're no different to me than any of my other sisters."
"HuanZhuGeGe was also your sister, once upon a time."
"That's different."
"How?"
Yongqi sighed, "ZhiHua. Love is not something that can be forced. It either is or it isn't. And the two of us do not have that yuan-fen."
Seeing an opening as she paused, he quickly made his exit and was relieved that she did not follow him.
Had he looked back, he might have seen her hands tightened into fists.
Qing-er might have paid more attention to the subtle change in ZhiHua, but Yongqi brought tidings that were too distracting.
The teapot shattered onto the floor as she stared at him. "Not possible."
She ignored the bustling maids as they cleaned up the shards of broken porcelain.
"Qing-er, your hand…"
She looked down at the red burn from the boiling water but felt only numb. "Not possible," she repeated.
He caught her as she swayed and gently lowered her into a chair while asking a maid to fetch a salve.
She pushed away his hand and asked imploringly, "tell me it's not true…"
"Qing-er…let me treat this wound."
"He can't have been captured. Not FangYan."
"Qing-er…" he reached for her hand and was glad she didn't pull back this time as he bandaged it. "I don't know much more about it, but rest assured ErKang is doing all he can to find out the details."
"Details...yes…" her eyes widened suddenly, "XiaoYanZi!"
"ZiWei is with her. She insisted I come tell you the news myself."
"I...thank you."
"Qing-er...he's a fighter. He'll come back to you."
"I...I never told him...I should have told him, before he left..."
"Your hearts are linked; he knows."
"I…" she shook her head; she could only pray that Yongqi was right.
LaoFoYe saw her in the chapel later that day. The dowager empress, having by then also heard the news, said nothing but just sighed before returning to her own room. Later that day, however, she pressed her own prayer beads into Qing-er's hand.
"My joints are not what they once were. If I kneel for an extended amount of time, I fear I won't be able to get up again. You'll offer prayers for our poor soldiers for me?"
Qing-er looked between the beads and her grandmother a long moment before taking them in hand, "Yes, LaoFoYe."
The annual remembrance for FuchaHuangHou's day of passing thus fit well with the general somber mood within the Inner Palace.
ZhiHua, going through the appropriate kowtows at LaoFoYe's side, looked curiously at the painting of the first empress. Something felt familiar about it…
Later, she overheard the whispered comments of her resemblance to the departed lady.
"...is that why LaoFoYe had her brought back?"
"I heard HuangHouNiangNiang even petitioned HuangShang for it; she was sent back early to prepare for it."
"Oh please," another voice scoffed, "she's been in the Cold Palace since she came back. Besides, if HuangShan really believed it, he would have given the girl a title already. Why make her wait a whole year? No, didn't you hear? HuangShang had been besotted with a courtesan and was going to bring her back with him. LaoFoYe of course had to find a distraction to prevent such a travesty."
"I heard that she was intended for RongQinWang…" a fourth voice noted after a moment of appropriately scandalized gasps.
"Ridiculous," the second voice retorted, "RongQinWang is so besotted with HuanZhuGeGe...have you ever seen him look at a second lady since they married?"
"Since they married?" The second voice said, "oh please, ever since his arrow shot her, his attentions have not budged from her."
"A matter of fate, surely." The first voice, the most uncertain of the bunch, said quietly.
"Regardless, she's no more than LaoFoYe's pet." The third voice was full of condescension.
"The poor child," the first speaker whispered.
ZhiHua decided she had heard enough. The pain in her palms made her look down in surprise. Her nails had left angry red marks, just short of drawing blood. She wasn't a chess piece, to be used how they will. She'll show them.
Qing-er once again felt helpless as LaoFoYe angrily upbraided her son.
"HuangENiang! Zhen will do right by her! ZhiHua will be at least a GuiRen."
"A GuiRen? You think so little of your friend's daughter now that you have ruined her?"
"It was a mistake!"
"A mistake! Ha! You never needed an excuse to add to your conquests!"
"HuangENiang! Zhen is still HuangShang, be careful how you speak!"
"I am your mother! I will speak to you as I see fit! Particularly since ZhiHua was under my protection!"
Qing-er sighed to herself as mother and son continued to exchange sharp words. It was easy in moments such as this one to see where the emperor got his temper.
She frowned as she thought more on the matter. It did seem strange that such a mistake could be made. ZhiHua had said she had been curious and had gone back to examine the paintings on the walls some more. But how could she have gained admittance? Everyone knew HuangShang always spent the night alone in FuchaHuangHou's old quarters. The guards were fastidious in making sure his privacy was respected. HuangShang maintained that he was drunk; that much was also believable. But ZhiHua's tears when she returned to CiNingGong were also real enough.
Could it be...Qing-er's frown deepened...could it be that ZhiHua was tired of waiting for a match to be arranged and decided to take matters into her own hands? She wanted to believe that ZhiHua was incapable of such a thing, but…
She observed the newest Chen Fei in the next few weeks. HuangShang seemed suitably embarrassed about the whole situation and avoided visiting ZhiHua. The girl was appropriately shy when speaking of the matter when she visited LaoFoYe, but she also commented that she was now HuangShang's woman and would do her duty. LaoFoYe had sighed and patted ZhiHua's hand comfortingly.
"If you'd like your parents or any of your sisters to pay a visit, you have only to say the word."
ZhiHua demurred. "If ZhiHua is fortunate enough to provide a son for HuangShang, then perhaps a visit would be warranted."
"You are such a considerate child."
ZhiHua had ducked her head modestly, but Qing-er saw the look in her eyes and reached an epiphany. If ZhiHua couldn't be Yongqi's HuangHou, then she would become TaiHou herself.
Qing-er did not share her thoughts with anyone else; the deed had already been done, it could not be reversed. As to whether or not ZhiHua would prove successful...Qing-er supposed ZhiHua was clever enough. Although...the palace did not lack for clever woman. But with LaoFoYe's favor and HuangShang's sense of guilt, ZhiHua had advantages others did not. And maybe...for someone like ZhiHua, taking part in such competition did provide a sense of fulfillment. Maybe...a quiet life, a stable life, the kind of life Qing-er wanted, would have seemed boring in comparison.
She still prayed every day for FangYan's safe return. She wanted the chance to tell him that...that she wanted to build such a life with him.
Months later, when the news she had hoped for finally came, she could scarcely believe it. Not only had FangYan escaped, but he had managed to destroy a large portion of the opposing army's supplies. The Qing army still suffered tremendous losses, but his actions had ensured that the Burmese army paid a high price for their victory.
When she saw him again, his left arm was in a sling, but she cared not. He was back and gloriously alive. For once, she understood XiaoYanZi's restlessness. She wanted...she needed to assure herself that he truly was in front of her.
Her friends must have known because ZiWei pressed a small slip of paper into her hand in the midst of the banquet. And so, after LaoFoYe had retired, she slipped from CiNingGong towards the now empty JinYangGong.
"Nan-er!" she heard his voice before she saw him, "where are you running off to? Your parents are looking for you! It's time to go home…"
He froze when he saw her standing in the courtyard. "Qing-er…"
He had barely spoken the syllables of her name before she had wrapped her arms around him. Strange, she didn't remember moving at all. Her lips also moved of their own accord. "Thank you...thank you for coming back to me…"
He held her as well as he could with just one arm, unable to believe that she had initiated such contact. "Qing-er...does this mean…does this mean I have a chance to win you still?"
She smiled through her tears, "Yes."
"Good." He sounded so relieved.
Caught up in each other, they didn't notice Nan-er skipping away towards her mother who bore an identical conspiring grin.
Suddenly aware of what she had done, Qing-er stepped away with a blush, "I…"
He reached over and wiped the tears from her cheeks, "I was going to seek an audience with LaoFoYe tomorrow."
"What?"
"I am tardy in fulfilling her requirements, but...but I'm hoping she'll still give me a chance to fight for you."
"Haven't you done enough fighting?"
"One more battle," he told her, "the most important one."
She looked at him fondly before realizing what he had said, "Wait...what requirements?"
"I asked LaoFoYe what it would take for her to consider me as a bridegroom for you. I used her stipulations as guidance for who FangYan would be."
"You…" she didn't know what to say at such a revelation.
"Forgive me."
"Forgive you?"
"For being presumptuous in thinking that I still had a chance."
She shook her head. "You are someone who goes after his goals with serious dedication, no matter what name you bear. I have no need to provide forgiveness for a trait that is so integral to the fabric of your being."
"Qing-er…" he reached for her hand and was cheered at the soft look in her eyes.
"You are also a proud man...for you to have put that pride aside and speak to LaoFoYe…"
"She is dear to you; she is your family, your benefactor, your very world for much of your life. Given the choice of either sharing you or living a life without you, I will always choose the former. I am only sorry that it took me so long to realize."
"It's no matter; you're here now. Safe, if not completely sound."
Seeing her worried glance at bandages, he quickly reassured her, "it's not on my dominant side, and the physicians all say that it's healing well."
"I should go back, before I am missed," she said after a moment.
"Yes." But he made no move to release her.
Likewise, she continued to stare right back at him. Her eyes widened when he drew closer still.
"I did break one promise...I had vowed not to let our friends create opportunities such as this one."
"You were just chasing after Nan-er."
"Yes, a most convenient excuse."
They smiled at each other before his expression grew uncharacteristically shy as his hand cupped her cheek. "Can you love FangYan?"
She leaned into his touch, "I never stopped loving you; no matter what name you bore. But we both needed time to recover and to discover ourselves before we could start over."
"Qing-er…"
Her eyes closed as he bent his head towards hers and felt as he pressed a kiss to her forehead.
"I should not take such liberties."
"No, you should not," she agreed as her eyes opened, but neither did she move away from him.
"I should go," she said again.
He let go of her hand, "yes."
Summoning her courage, she stood on tiptoes and quickly pecked his cheek before turning away with burning cheeks. She turned back just once to see a dumbfounded expression on his face and his fingers touching where her lips had been.
"Your young man is full of audacity." LaoFoYe said the next evening as Qing-er helped remove her headdress.
"LaoFoYe?"
The dowager empress sighed and pulled at Qing-er's hand until the princess faced her.
"He has refused all honor aside from the elevation of his title from HuangShang and even told my son that the only reward he wanted was in my keeping. And though the deal has expired, still he has asked. But such audacity, foolhardy as it may be, is likely a quality that has enabled him to be so successful...and a characteristic that likely drew you to him."
Qing-er wondered if her grandmother could hear the sound of her racing heart.
"The original deal was for him to compete in a tournament in exchange for your hand in marriage...but I think the matter has been allowed to tarry long enough, don't you?"
"LaoFoYe?"
"His mettle has been well tested on the battlefield."
The dowager empress patted her hand, "I know I promised to appoint you to the anyone you named, but I know you're too filial to name someone you know I dislike. But...perhaps I can tolerate FangYan better than I did XiaoJian."
Qing-er felt tears well up as she knelt, "LaoFoYe has known all along."
"My dear child...there is no one in the world more dear to me than you. Can you blame me for setting my standards high?"
Qing-er shook her head even as she let her grandmother wipe away her tears.
"There now, you silly child, you'll ruin your looks with those tears. And as a bride, you must look your best."
"Bride?"
"I am not cruel," LaoFoYe patted her hand again, "nor am I so old as to be immovable in my opinions; He has shown himself capable of being worthy of you."
"Thank you, LaoFoYe, thank you."
"But you will return often to visit, yes?"
"Of course," Qing-er promised.
The empress dowager smiled. "Good. I really cannot do without you."
Qing-er usually hated being the center of attention. But her happiness so buoyed her that even the teasing from the various ladies of the palace was not so unbearable. She found herself even answering truthfully to some of their inquiries. Yes, she did think him handsome. Yes, he was a man of great talent. Yes, she enjoyed hearing him play the xiao. Yes, it'll prove most interesting to have XiaoYanZi as a sister-in-law. It was such a relief no longer to have to keep such thoughts secret.
If LaoFoYe had any doubts that she had made the wrong decision, one look at Qing-er was enough to reassure her. Qing-er was positively glowing. And FangYan...his whole demeanor seemed softer when he was in her company.
"I promise, I will protect her, care for her, stay at her side for the rest of my life. As long as there is breath in my body, she will only know happiness."
Such a foolish vow! But LaoFoYe had also learned to see and listen with her heart.
"See that you do."
FangYan nodded solemnly before turning to mount his horse again.
LaoFoYe watched as the carriage left CiNingGong. Turning around to survey her domain, she suddenly felt all the years of her age. Her own daughter had not lived long enough to become a bride, but...surely the pain at such a parting would not have been less.
"HuangENiang is surely looking forward to spoiling Qing-er's child."
She turned towards her son and made a noncommittal noise.
The emperor just smiled, "Zhen only hopes the child takes more after Qing-er's side of the family than FangYan's. Can you imagine a second Nan-er running about?"
"Nan-er is rather spirited, but she is not unteacheable."
"Even HuangENiang is not immune to her charm."
LaoFoYe did not dignify the comment with a reply, but the emperor laughed nonetheless.
"A daughter?"
"You sound surprised."
Qing-er was nestled in his arms, still adjusting to the feeling of his bare skin against hers. "I would have thought a son would be more desirable, to continue the Fang family name."
"It is, but I do want a daughter." He told her about seeing her with Nan-er and the words ErKang had uttered.
"Ah." She said no more but twisted and tentatively pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. She made to draw away but his arms held her prisoner as he deepened the kiss and left her breathless.
"FuRen is agreeable?"
She didn't think he expected a response though, as his lips marked other parts of her skin and drew sounds from her that were still a little strange for their newness.
Her eyes opened again when he paused in his ministrations, "FangYan?"
"Qing-er...I...I still can't believe this is real."
"Would you like me to pinch you to ensure it's not a dream?" She attributed her words to the sense of giddiness that still bubbled within her.
"Maybe you'd better."
It was difficult to keep hold of a serious mien when faced with the smile that hovered over his lips. She managed to avoid giggling though, until after he gave a small yelp.
She smiled innocently up at him, "not a dream, then?"
"No." His eyes held unfathomable tenderness, "after so long, finally not a dream."
She was given no opportunity to respond as his lips descended upon hers again.
Afterwards, she cuddled close to him and let the strength of him steady her.
"XiaoJian and FangYan share many similarities," he broke the silence this time, "including their love for you. The difference is that FangYan is not afraid to let ties of family and friendship keep him grounded."
"XiaoYanZi is not the only bird in the family then."
She couldn't see his smile.
"This bird is now nesting."
"But the call of the sky may always exist."
"Hmm...then lucky am I that I shall always have a clear sky with me."
She looked up and did see his smile this time.
"Thank you," he told her as he intertwined their fingers together, those simple words encompassing so much.
She laid her head on his chest and sighed in contentment. She was happy.