Seasons: snippets of a HZGG3 AU in which the path diverges after their return from the southern inspection tour
Inspiration: "You cannot always be torn in two. You will have to be one and whole, for many years. You have so much to enjoy and to be, and to do." - Frodo Baggins
Spring
LaoFoYe passed in the Spring. Qing-er, who had stayed at her side all those years, knelt and kowtowed as custom dictated. In her hands, she clutched the string of beads that her grandmother had gifted her shortly before the end. The pain she remembered from losing her parents was nothing to the complete sense of loss she experienced now. The only thing that came close was perhaps...but no, she tried not to dwell on the past.
She floated through the palace, feeling like she was but a spirit.
Summer
She didn't know why she chose ShuFangZhai, just knew that it was fitting somehow. The ziwei flowers still bloomed in the courtyard, even though the princess who bore their name had long departed these quarters. Her friend was as intuitive, as kind, as caring, as ever. But she had other responsibilities to attend to, her own home with her husband and children to return to. And surely for ZiWei, ShuFangZhai was too full of the laughter of ghosts.
Qing-er wasn't lonely, not really. Or, rather, loneliness had been such a long-time companion that she looked on it as a friend.
Fall
Fall was always the most difficult. It was the season during which swallows flew south in search of warmer climates. It was a time for harvest, for bounty, for the reunion of families.
The lights and sounds of the Mid-Autumn Festival were as bright and loud and grand as ever. But Qing-er paid them no mind. Instead, she made an obligatory appearance but then retired to her own little courtyard.
She looked up at the moon and remembered another night that had been permeated with the sound of a xiao. She rarely allowed herself the luxury of thinking on him, had felt like it was a betrayal while LaoFoYe still lived, but now…
It had been so long since she heard the sound of his xiao, but the memory refused to fade even with the passing of time.
Winter
The emperor came to ShuFangZhai that day and stood for a long time just watching the green parrot in its cage. He did it every year, never missing it even once in the eight years that had passed, in remembrance of the girl who had been his daughter in all ways but blood.
Qing-er made a point of going to see the plum blossoms in order to give her uncle privacy. Her memories, though, were not as courteous.
How ecstatic they had all been, even LaoFoYe, when the taiyi announced that XiaoYanZi was once again with child shortly after their return from HangZhou. But as her abdomen grew, XiaoYanZi seemed to shrink. Her eyes still held their usual sparkle, but her face grew pale and her limbs grew weak. She had joked with Qing-er that perhaps now at last she had LaoFoYe's approval, for she lacked the energy to be anything but docile. And then, as quietly as the first snowfall that had blanketed the entire palace in white, in a manner that was the very opposite of XiaoYanZi, she slipped away from them.
Yongqi was so stoically calm as he stared at the casket with deadened eyes. The only time he seemed to show any emotion was when he and XiaoJian came to blows again.
Qing-er saw clearly the situation for what it was; the two men were channeling their outrage and pain at the unfairness of the world into hurting each other. ErKang intervened and ensured the two were separated. But Qing-er knew neither truly listened to ErKang's words.
The wild look she had seen in XiaoJian's eyes convinced her that she was doing the right thing when she went to him and suggested that he return to YunNan. It should have hurt her more to realize that she was not enough to keep his monsters at bay; that she could not check his dark impulse to seek revenge for all the losses he had suffered.
He had looked at her for a long moment, his expression unreadable. But then, he had nodded.
She liked to think it was because he understood that she was trying to save him, to preserve all the fragments that his sister had left.
Yongqi refused to marry ZhiHua. She had never heard him raise his voice to his elders until that infamous audience with LaoFoYe. She winced at the loudness of his voice and the directness of his words. He could not know how his rejection would affect ZhiHua's prospects. But then, maybe he did know and simply did not care, not when his own heart had already died.
He still performed his duties; was even made RongQinWang for them. But Qing-er could tell there was a recklessness in him that had not been there in the past.
She shouldn't have been surprised when he contracted the illness that swept through the city that spring. Despite the taiyi's warnings, he had insisted on personally seeing to the sick. She believed the rumors that in death, he had regained his smile.
The orchard with their snow laden boughs were beautiful but she could feel the chill in the air gradually sink into her very bones.
That was how some described her, she knew. A beautiful but frozen blossom.
Spring
Had it really been a year? But what was another year?
The swallow birds returned and made their nests of mud and twigs. It should have been unseemly for the eaves of the palace to be so defiled, but Qing-er could not bring herself to disturb them. Besides, perhaps a swallow bird was almost meant to live at ShuFangZhai.
Summer
The court moved to YuanMingYuan in search of cooler quarters to escape the heat. Qing-er wandered the paths in solitude. She paused on a bridge overlooking the lotus blossoms that bloomed so vibrantly. She could see rainbows in the wings of the dragonflies that flittered among the leaves. She wished she was a better artist so she could capture the natural beauty of such a scene. The sun, though, was unforgiving, and the fan in her hand provided little relief.
She sought refuge in one of the shady groves and was grateful that the stone bench still resisted the heat of the day. She rested her hands on the bench's surface, hoping to collect some of the coolness, before pressing them to her flushed cheeks.
She remembered suddenly another time when she had felt feverish and the promise she had managed to extract from him. A promise that he did not keep. But she never blamed him. Did she not release him from the obligation of keeping it?
LaoFoYe had been right about one thing though; no one else would have her after what she had done. The scandal of elopement, even though nothing had happened between the two of them, was enough to cast a shadow upon her virtue. And those who were willing to overlook her indiscretion certainly did not meet LaoFoYe's high standards.
People watched her carefully, she knew, after their return, to see if there was an obvious reason for the rumored approval of her marriage to a commoner. She thought at first it was from curiosity; how her cheeks had flushed when she finally understood the thinly veiled hints and suggestions!
But maybe it would have been better had she truly abandoned her modesty. Then, she might have truly belonged to him. He might have had a reason to return.
It was ironic, really, that she almost wished she could be another XiaYuHe.
Fall
The sky was clear, the Celestial River a swath of brightness. But where was her bridge of magpies? And even if such a bridge made an appearance, would he be on the other side?
Winter
She wasn't sure why she was included on this trip. Maybe it was a sort of comfort for the emperor and he could pretend that LaoFoYe still lived. Maybe ZiWei spoke to her father out of concern for Qing-er's state of mind. Whatever the reason, Qing-er admitted to herself that it was nice to leave the palace for a little while.
Even if it was odd to be in HaiNing again. They stayed with the Chen family, of course. ZhiHua had become 6-Ah-Ge's consort, and thus the Chen's were family.
The gardens were as beautiful as she remembered. They were not treated to a performance of the Chen daughters this time, but the ladies did return for the occasion. Their husbands seemed to match them in looks and talent, a point of pride for the family's patriarch.
Qing-er only half listened to the conversations around her. And that night, she found herself wandering around the gardens alone. She found the pagoda and settled onto a seat. The night was so very quiet, the stars so very bright. But Qing-er felt so very removed from it all.
Maybe ZiWei had been right to worry about her.
Spring
He inspected the tender leaves that were harvested with care. In the fields, the workers greeted him with smiles but did not let his presence interrupt their work.
He looked across the verdant fields, backed by the misty distant mountains, and felt a sense of peace.
Summer
News of the dowager empress's death eventually reached YunNan.
Within his study, XiaoJian unlatched the chest that held all the letters he had received over the years from XueShiFu. Alternatively written in ErKang's strong and steady hand and ZiWei's neat and delicate script, the letters had been waiting for him when he returned to YunNan for good four years ago. The early ones were filled with stories and anecdotes of the sister he had lost, found, and then lost again. It helped, then, to read them, and remember her vivaciousness. Over the years, the subject of the letters became more banal. One thing though, stayed constant. Tucked amongst tales of the Fu children and various politics in the capital, there was always at least a paragraph dedicated to telling him about the girl he had left behind.
The last letter had even included a drawing that Dong-er had made of his favorite aunt.
XiaoJian carefully unrolled the drawing and saw again the sweet smile that had captured his heart so long ago. Surely she could not be smiling now, with LaoFoYe's passing.
The rain beat against the closed windows, reminding him of another rainstorm. He recalled the anguish in her expressions, the abject fear in her eyes..and yet, she still bravely crawled towards him, never minding the mud or the fever that raged through her body. He had never had anyone look at him thus; had never known he could be so important to anyone until that moment. He didn't know how to handle the weight of such a responsibility, just knew that he could not hurt her again.
In the aftermath of his sister's passing, when she told him to leave, he was struck again by her bravery. He had complied, because he knew he was not worthy of her love, because she was too kind, too sweet to be subjected to his burdened soul.
He stared at her image a moment longer before carefully returning it to the chest. Smoothing a sheet of paper on his desk, he dipped his brush into the pool of ink and started a letter in response for the first time.
Fall
It was a relief that godmother took to HanXiang as well as she did. By the time XiaoJian returned to YunNan with the intention of staying, HanXiang was like godmother's own daughter. Her and MengDan's children thus helped fulfill godmother's wish to be a doting grandmother.
Still, godmother would ask him now and then about when he would finally bring home a daughter-in-law. In the past, he had always kept quiet and either godfather or MengDan would save him from answering. And godmother likely stopped expecting any meaningful answer.
This time, as he sat around the table with his family and looked up at the full moon, however, he made a reply. "Maybe...soon."
Winter
A tablet had been set up for his sister, next to those of his parents. It took time for him to swallow his pride and hurt, but Yongqi also had a place next to her.
He talked to them both, on the anniversary of XiaoYanZi's death, and liked to think that they approved of his intention to return to BeiJing once the mourning period had passed.
Spring
He couldn't set forth, though, not with godfather falling ill unexpectedly.
And soon enough, the burden of being master of both the Fang and Xiao families fell to him.
But he was no longer a stranger to responsibilities, not as he had been in his youth.
Summer
Godmother recovered slowly from her loss; he found himself telling her about Qing-er and was gratified to see as her eyes gradually refocused on the present.
She patted his hand as she looked at Dong-er's drawing which now hung in direct view of his desk on the wall of his study. "A real beauty," she said.
He nodded, knowing he didn't have to explain that Qing-Er's beauty was more than skin deep.
Fall
ZiWei's letter worried him. One could not live without purpose, and Qing-er seemed to have lost hers.
Wait for me, he begged her image.
Watch over her, he prayed to his sister and brother-in-law.
Even if I find her broken, I will piece her back together, he vowed to LaoFoYe. And, if she will have me, I will never leave her side again.
Winter
He could hear ZiWei's voice. "SuZhou truly is a marvelous city. ErKang found out that this shop carries the Pu'er tea you like so much."
"You didn't have to go to such trouble…"
His heart thudded painfully as she spoke.
"No trouble at all," ZiWei responded cheerfully, "it was my fault for thinking only of ErKang and myself and not packing enough to share with you for the trip."
He listened, trying to regulate his breathing, as they chatted with the sales clerk.
"The merchant who provides the supplies happens to be in town today and is likely better equipped to answer GeGe's questions regarding the tea's cultivation."
ZiWei responded with delight and asked that he be summoned.
That was his cue. He took a deep breath and stepped out from the back room.
"I am humbled that our tea has made its way into the Palace. GeGe does me even greater honor in holding a preference for it."
She swayed on her feet and he acted out of reflex.
Holding her in his arms and drinking in the sight of her face, he missed ZiWei's gestures for them to be granted privacy.
"GeGe must be careful." He at last murmured as she trembled in his arms.
She continued to stare at him, her eyes wide.
With care, he set her on her feet and reluctantly parted from her, "I apologize for overstepping."
She mutely shook her head and continued to stare at him a moment longer before a choked sound escaped.
He frowned in alarm but soon found himself captured in her arms.
He held onto her until her sobs quieted and then gingerly moved so that he could wipe away her tears, "I am the cause for too much of your tears."
"You're really here." She at last said, and his heart hurt at the broken way her voice sounded, "really, truly here."
"Yes. I've come once again with the intention of taking you away...that is...if you're willing...I know that you deserve more than a mere tea merchant..."
"Yes." She interrupted him.
"Qing-er?"
Her eyes welled with tears again, "how I've missed hearing you say my name."
What could he do but hold her close again?
Spring
The sound of laughter greeted him when he returned home. He walked into the courtyard to see Qing-er tending to the flowers alongside HanXiang and godmother. How her eyes sparkled as she caught sight of him.
"What has my favorite ladies in such a good mood?"
"Aunty was just telling us about the scrapes a certain little boy got up to." HanXiang answered.
XiaoJian raised an eyebrow, "ah."
Nonetheless, he walked towards them and pressed a kiss to his wife's cheek. She blushed with downcast eyes while her companions looked on the scene indulgently.
"Do not let me interrupt your fun."
She looked up at him then with a hint of surprise, "you do not mind?"
He shrugged but his tone remained serious, "godmother can tell you very little that could damage your opinions of me more than my own actions have already done."
Her expression softened as she squeezed his hand in a reassuring manner.
He pressed their joint hands to his heart in response.
Summer
The flickering flames from the large bonfire caused shadows to dance across her face. But her wide grin as she greeted their neighbors and gave the traditional well wishes for the holiday in their own language assured him that shadows had no place in her new life.
He let her draw him into the dancing circle and joined in her laughter as they tried to keep up.
Later, as she leaned into him as they rode home together, he couldn't help but kiss the top of her head.
She gave a sigh of contentment in response.
Fall
Her giggle caused him to glance over at the paper she was reading. Dong-er had sent another drawing, this one of his siblings chasing after a speck of green.
"Did they manage to catch it?"
She looked up with a smile, "ErKang had to coax it from the rooftop with a trail of seeds."
"ZiWei's idea?"
She nodded again. "Suitably impressing her children with her cleverness."
"Poor ErKang, to do all the hard work but receive none of the credit."
"I'm sure ZiWei rewarded him handsomely for his efforts."
"Hmmm…" he took the page from her hand and placed it carefully on the table before picking her up from the chair.
"XiaoJian! What…" her remaining protest faded at the way he was looking at her.
Despite the intensity of his expression, he laid her gently on their bed.
"Qing-er…"
She reached up in response and pulled him towards her. No further words were needed.
Winter
They knelt together, hand in hand, to pay their respects to their departed loved ones.
"What do you think of the name Nan-er?" She asked quietly.
"Nan-er?"
"That's what XiaoYanZi had planned to call her child, if it had been a daughter. YunNan had been such a dream for her."
"I should have tried harder to bring them here."
"But the love between a father and daughter should not be underestimated. I trust you will find out for yourself, soon enough."
He nodded agreeably before her words sank in and he turned to see her with that little smile dancing about her lips. "Qing-er?"
"Personally, I don't mind Nan-er as a nickname, but I am rather partial to the name YunXi. LaoFoYe had been XiGuiFei, you see, and though I still disobeyed her in the end, I feel obliged to pay honor to her. And this way, our little girl will be able to claim the entirety of her homeland in her name."
"Qing-er…" he rose unsteadily to his feet, drawing her up with him, "you're saying…."
"I've managed half the task; I'll leave the other half to you."
"In case it's a boy." She clarified helpfully when he continued to stare at her in a dumbfounded manner.
He placed a hand on her still flat abdomen, "Qing-er…"
"That would be an awfully funny name for a boy."
He laughed then and kissed her soundly. "I never knew I could be this happy! Thank you."
"Is it not the natural course of things?" Her calmness steadied him.
He held her hands tightly in his, "thank you nonetheless."