Dignity (尊严): HZGG3 AU
"LaoFoYe must be tired, Qing-er will help LaoFoYe get ready for rest."
The dowager empress smiled as Qing-er bustled about; her Qing-er was such a source of pride. Kind, intelligent, filial, insightful, thoughtful, sensible...her presence has ever kept the loneliness at bay.
But over the last two years, LaoFoYe had seen signs that her ward was keeping secrets. She didn't truly mind that Qing-er was friends with XiaoYanZi, had hoped that Qing-er's steady nature could calm the other girl. But it seemed that XiaoYanZi was the one to exert more influence.
"Hmmm, I'm not all that tired yet. Why don't you stay and talk to me? Though we are almost always together, we haven't had a chance to speak, heart to heart, for a good while now."
Qing-er obediently nodded and sat where LaoFoYe indicated.
"How quickly time passes! In the blink of an eye, ZiWei is to become an ENiang!"
Qing-er, genuinely happy for her friend, smiled broadly.
"And just think, if you had let me have my way, you could have had equal joy!"
"LaoFoYe…" Qing-er' smile seemed to fade a little.
"I know, I know...you'll just have to excuse an old lady's regrets."
"LaoFoYe isn't old," Qing-er protested automatically.
LaoFoYe shook her head, "time leaves no one untouched."
"I do remember, though," she continued after a moment, "that I had agreed to let you tell me if anyone catches your eye. It's been two years; perhaps I should have asked you sooner."
At LaoFoYe's expectant look, Qing-er felt again a flash of guilt at hiding her relationship with XiaoJian.
"Ah...my Qing-er, there must be someone! Else you wouldn't look so bashful. Well, don't leave me in suspense."
"LaoFoYe...there isn't anyone…"
LaoFoYe lifted an eyebrow, "you've never been a very good liar."
Qing-er found she couldn't meet LaoFoYe's eyes.
"You should not waste your youth being stuck to an old lady like me...besides, I had so hoped to spoil your children."
"I…" Why was she so afraid to tell LaoFoYe?
LaoFoYe patted her hand, "for my Qing-er to take notice, this person must be truly talented, wen wu shuang quan."
"Yes." Qing-er at last admitted.
"And though I know you are not so superficial, I should hope his looks are at least tolerable."
"Yes."
"And his family? They cannot hope to match your status of course, but they must at least be of some import."
"He has few family living." Qing-er commented, her voice quieter.
"Oh? How come?"
"I...I'm not certain."
"Not certain? Hm...we can't have that. If I am to decide whether or not to approve of the match, I must be sure that there are no scandals to mar your reputation."
"LaoFoYe would surely judge based on his own merits?"
"Well, he must be worthy of you in and of himself, but we mustn't forget that you are a princess of the AiSin Qioro blood!"
Qing-er frowned.
"Oh? You think there may be reasons for my disapproval?"
"I…" she didn't know. Her instincts told her he was keeping secret from her, but their encounters were always so brief, their stolen moments so hard to come by that she had little opportunity to explore her suspicions. Besides…
"I feel uncomfortable prying," Qing-er admitted to LaoFoYe, "it would be such an invasion of his privacy, not to mention an affront to his dignity."
"He is a proud man then?"
Qing-er's silence was answer enough.
"Hmm. Some arrogance in a man is not always a bad thing. But my Qing-er, if I am truly to entrust you to him, then I must be sure he would care for you adequately. And keeping secrets does not make for an auspicious foundation."
Qing-er continued to stare at her clenched hands. LaoFoYe's words were not without reason…
"XiaoYanZi and ZiWei married for love, but Yongqi and ErKang are both good boys who are considerate and indulgent towards their wives. Such devotion in a husband seems unrealistic to someone such as me."
Qing-er looked up, startled at LaoFoYe's candidness.
"What young girl does not wish in her heart of hearts to be fortunate in marriage? I learned to accept my reality a long time ago. Besides, I had more than myself to consider. But you...my dear Qing-er, you told me once that ZiWei and XiaoYanZi woke a spirit within you, that it was like an infection of which there were only two outcomes. But there's a third possibility, isn't there? I just want to be sure that you would be treated well."
Seeing Qing-er's thoughtful expression, LaoFoYe smiled a little before giving a little yawn, "Ah, listen to me ramble. You must be tired after today's festivities too. Why don't we break with routine and start the day later than usual tomorrow?"
"As LaoFoYe wishes."
Only after the door had closed behind Qing-er did LaoFoYe allow her frown to show. Her suspicions were not groundless then. How much of her heart had Qing-er already given away? Her Qing-er would not do anything foolish, surely, but...beneath all her cool logic was a warm beating heart.
LaoFoYe sighed. She was not incapable of feeling either, but matrimony was such an important milestone...she was not just a dowager empress hoping for a good match but also a grandmother who cared deeply about her ward's wellbeing. The easiest thing to do would be to oppose Qing-er's choice; Qing-er herself seemed to expect it. And yet…
She would do her own investigations. Just in case this matter was not just a passing fancy.
Qing-er happened upon XiaoYanZi pacing the courtyard at JinYangGong as she muttered words to herself.
"Qing-er!" XiaoYanZi visibly perked up at her friend's appearance, "here, test me!" She didn't wait for a reply before shoving the book in her hands towards Qing-er and reciting the words in a louder voice.
Qing-er had no need of the book as she listened. "Oh, well done!"
XiaoYanZi beamed as she took the book back. "I've really memorized it!"
Qing-er laughed at her infectious joy, "But XiaoJian will also expect you to interpret it, no doubt."
XiaoYanZi made a face but said, "then you must quiz me." Straightening her shoulders, she took a few deep breaths before nodding determinedly, "alright, I'm ready."
Qing-er did as she was bid.
The sound of applause caused both ladies to turn.
"XiaoYanZi, it seems you have no need for me to hold a lesson today!"
"Brother!" XiaoYanZi grinned broadly but then shook her head, "oh, but I still have to summarize the chapter of SanGuoYanyi for you."
XiaoJian laughed, "So you do!"
He joined them at the stone table and greeted Qing-er before turning back to his sister, "Go on then."
His lips twitched in suppressed laughter as his sister added her own commentary to an otherwise mostly accurate synopsis. "Well done! What questions did you have?"
"Well, the way women are used as instruments in battle...it seems wrong."
"Ah, but does not the proverb say 英雄难过美人关?" His answer was towards his sister but his eyes flickered to Qing-er.
"But to neglect responsibilities for a smile from a beautiful woman…"
"Did Yongqi not in essence abandon his obligations and duties for you?"
XiaoYanZi blinked before asking, "you're saying I'm the legendary 红颜祸水?"
"Bravo for learning that idiom!"
XiaoYanZi waved aside his praise, "You're not wrong…" she set her elbows on the table and then rested her chin in her palms.
"ErKang had asked me once, which was more important, family or country?"
"What did you say?" XiaoYanZi asked curiously.
An odd expression crossed XiaoJian's face, "One cannot exist without the other."
"And a heart that does not know how to feel is a frightful thing," Qing-er murmured.
"Yes…" he turned his attention to her and she could see that there was a conflict within him.
She jumped as XiaoYanZi stood, "I'm going to return the book to the study before I spill tea on it."
The two of them watched as XiaoYanZi returned indoors.
"Qing-er…"
The touch of his hand on hers made her return her gaze to his.
"Are you well?"
She smiled a little, "What a silly question. In this palace, I lack not for comforts."
"Qing-er…" his expression remained solemn, "if you were to be faced with the same choice as Yongqi, what would you choose?"
"What?" her eyes widened.
"I am loath to take you away from the comforts to which you are accustomed, but I cannot see myself living the life of an official."
"Why not?"
His hand released hers as he quoted the poem he had created for himself, adding, "but that kind of wandering life would not suit you."
"What are you saying?"
He couldn't meet her eyes, "I cannot give you the kind of life you deserve. These past years, they have been as a dream, but I must waken. To continue as we are only delays you and brings you harm."
"What are you saying?" she repeated.
"Now that I have assured myself that XiaoYanZi is happily settled, I have no other reasons to stay."
"No other reasons to stay?" She repeated.
He looked up and immediately regretted his action at the hurt in her eyes. "I...I am sorry."
There was so much she wanted to say, but the warring emotions within herself stilled her tongue. Finally, after a heavy silence, she asked, "does XiaoYanZi know you're leaving?"
"I have not yet told her. But she'll accept it if I tell her I've had a letter from home."
"You've really thought it out."
"Qing-er…"
"No." Anger had won over the hurt. She stood with as much dignity as she could muster, "that's Qing-GeGe to you."
Nonetheless, with each step towards the gate, she waited for his voice to call her back. As she reached the threshold in silence, she clenched her fists and turned around just once to see him staring back at her. Raising her chin, she managed to say, "I wish you a safe journey. I hope...I hope you find all that you seek."
She did not allow herself to cry until she had arrived back at CiNingGong. Only when safely within the confines of her room did she collapse onto her bed and let out a sob.
A dip of the bed made her look up and she saw LaoFoYe's familiar face through the blur of her tears.
"My dear Qing-er...what is the matter?"
Qing-er just shook her head as the tears rained down with new fervor.
"Oh my child…" LaoFoYe wrapped her arms around Qing-er. Ah, so the young man had chosen.
"There, there…" she murmured as Qing-er's trembling grew less, "you'll ruin your looks."
Qing-er let her wipe away the tears.
"Will you tell me about it?"
Qing-er shook her head. How could she explain? It hurt, not just because he had rejected her, not just because she had thought he could be the one, but also because it wasn't the first time. Was she truly so unloveable?
"Oh my dear…" LaoFoYe hugged her again. She remained certain that she had done the right thing in confronting XiaoJian about her findings of his family secret, but to see her Qing-er so devastated still tore at her heartstrings.
"Why don't we go to the temples? You've always liked visiting them. We could pray for a safe delivery for ZiWei; she's nearing her time."
QIng-er nodded.
"Alright then, I'll go give the order so that preparations can be made."
She wiped the stray tears from Qing-er's cheeks, "there now, child, I'll also have some poultices sent so that your eyes won't be so swollen."
Qing-er pulled her pillow close to her chest and just stared unseeingly. She will recover. She knew that. She had done it once, she could do it again. What was it that ZiWei had said about her? On the surface, she was as smooth, as cool as ice, but inside, a fire burned.
Two years later
"Not only has she not provided an heir, but she is a criminal's daughter."
"What?"
LaoFoYe ignored the sounds of shock around her, "I had been willing to overlook such a detail if she had done her duty. But it's been four years and not only has she failed to deliver, she has lost a child."
"HuangENiang, what are you saying?" The emperor asked.
"Did you truly think I would accept her so easily? I was moved by the genuine affection between Yongqi and XiaoYanZi, yes, but I never forgot my duty to uphold the dignity of the Aisin Gioro name. Her father had been FangZhiHang, who was executed for treason."
"Treason?" Yongqi felt faint.
"Yes," LaoFoYe said with certainty.
"Impossible."
"Oh? But her brother admitted to it."
"Admitted…"
LaoFoYe looked sternly at her grandson. "I have been magnanimous in allowing her time to make up for her father's crime. I am aware that she was but a babe when her father was convicted. But the more I look at ZhiHua, the more I see the type of woman you should have married. I failed you once, I will not fail you again."
"LaoFoYe…"
The dowager empress set her chin stubbornly, "There is nothing more to discuss."
Yongqi looked pleadingly at his father, who cleared his throat, "HuangENiang's assertions are serious. Zheng must look into this matter."
"HuangDi does not trust me?"
"Of course I do, but the magnitude of the crime...it has far larger implications. We will curtail our stay here and head to HangZhou early."
"HuangShang will do as he will. I am determined, however, to do what I must to ensure Yongqi's future."
Qing-er followed behind LaoFoYe obediently but did not help steady the dowager empress as she usually did.
Her mind and her heart were in turmoil.
"Qing-er? Why do you look thus at me?"'
"You confronted XiaoJian with your findings, didn't you?" It was the first time since he left that she uttered his name.
"Well of course I did."
"He left to protect XiaoYanZi." Qing-er stated flatly.
"He made his own choice."
"Choice?" Qing-er shook her head, "no, there was no choice. His whole life was focused on finding his sister; he would do anything to ensure her happiness. Even…" she fell silent.
"I would have never allowed a union with someone so undeserving of you."
"Undeserving?" Qing-er shook her head again, "LaoFoYe never gave him a chance to prove his worth."
"Qing-er…"
"LaoFoYe must excuse me. I am not feeling very well."
"Qing-er!"
But Qing-er paid her no mind as she swept from the room.
She let her feet carry her into the gardens and allowed herself to get lost amongst the various rock formations. In the daytime, she had seen lions, but in the light of the moon, they were but shapeless shadows. Through a gap she glimpsed a bright star keeping the moon company. He was as far away as that star. She stayed her steps and focused her gaze.
She had seen LaoFoYe's abilities to be manipulative over the years. She had assured herself that such actions were reasonable, necessary even to keep peace within the Inner Palace. It did not surprise her that LaoFoYe would use the matter of XiaoYanZi's father to force ZhiHua upon Yongqi. But...it never occurred to her that LaoFoYe would apply similar techniques to ensure Qing-er's obedience.
These past two years, she had tried to choose a path of recovery from the illness she had caught from ZiWei and XiaoYanZi. For the sake of self preservation, she would return to being LaoFoYe's Qing-er. It helped dull the pain. But the embers still burned and now burst into flames once more with the realization that the one person she had always placed on a pedestal had betrayed her trust.
She could easily imagine how the conversation would have gone. She could hear LaoFoYe's threatening undertone and feel XiaoJian's barely controlled anger. She didn't blame him for leaving, not anymore. Not just because he did it to protect XiaoYanZi, but also because she knew how distasteful he would have found LaoFoYe's behavior. She might not have known his favorite foods or his favorite books, but she knew his character. She just hoped that he didn't lump her with LaoFoYe. Because...because she didn't want to be like that. She wanted to look at the world and see beauty and truth and honesty.
She wanted…she wanted a chance to tell him that she didn't hold his family's past against him, that she wanted to judge him for himself. And that she hoped he would judge her for herself in return.
"You're planning to leave, aren't you?"
XiaoYanZi looked up, startled at Qing-er's presence.
"It would be best."
"Yongqi will come after you."
XiaoYanZi's knuckles were white as she clenched her hands, "it was a mistake, from the very beginning. I should have known that…"
"No," Qing-er stated emphatically, "how can affection as deep as yours be a mistake?"
"But sometimes...love isn't enough, is it?"
Qing-er hated to see her friend so despondent. "XiaoYanZi…"
Her friend shook her head, "I used to gaze onto the yellow rooftops of the palace and wonder what life was like within the red walls. I used to envy the people who did not have to worry about food or shelter. But I've come to realize the price that is paid for such security. And honestly? Sometimes I think I'd rather go back to being poor. I didn't have much, but I was free and happy."
"Have you been unhappy?" Qing-er asked curiously.
"No…" XiaoYanZi sighed as she admitted, "with Yongqi...I...but he's not just mine, is he? ErKang had asked brother, is home or country more important...by leaving, I am ensuring Yongqi would not have to make such a decision."
"And thereby dooming him to a lifetime of misery?"
XiaoYanZi could no longer hide the tears in her eyes.
Qing-er sighed, "at least wait until the investigations conclude. Something might have been missed."
"What do you mean?"
"LaoFoYe is not without her bias."
"Qing-er?"
"She has my best interests in mind, I know, but her impetus for looking into your family background was my inability to hide my affection for your brother. For being the cause of your current predicament, I am sorry."
"Are you angry with her?"
"Angry?" Qing-er shook her head, "I was upset, but I understand LaoFoYe's reasons all too well. It is perhaps my curse, to see both perspectives."
"Rashness seems to be in your blood, XiaoYanZi," HuangShang remarked in an attempt at levity after he summarized the case of FangZhiHang.
XiaoYanZi, still dumbfounded at the revelations, made no reply.
Yongqi though, asked, "Now that HaungAhMa knows all the facts, will the verdict change?"
"The poem that instigated it all is harmless in and of itself. Zhen knows the policy of demanding all people to adopt the Manchu hairstyle was not popular. And as a Han, FangZhiHang did indeed favor the Han writings over that of the Manchu...in the early years of zhen's reign, when zhen needed to establish zhen's authority, such preference could easily have been twisted to look like treason. Zhen does not believe, though, that FangZhiHang truly had intent to rebel."
He paused a moment, "the death of his entire family is regrettable but even zhen is incapable of restoring the dead to life. Zhen will absolve him of the crime of inciting rebellion. Your mother's attempt to save your father, XiaoYanZi, is understandable but still unlawful. Your family, though, has more than paid for it. Zhen will otherwise allow this case to fade back into history. Zhen hopes that your smiles will return and the space between us likewise fade?"
XiaoYanZi nodded tearfully, "thank you HuangAhMa."
The emperor smiled a little, "tsk tsk, why the tears? Did zhen not ask for smiles?"
XiaoYanZi wiped at her eyes and gave a curtsy, "XiaoYanZi obeys."
"Much better," the emperor nodded approvingly.
"HuangAhMa," XiaoYanZi thought to ask as she caught Qing-er's relieved expression, "what about brother?"
"Ah yes, your brother. He is a man of talent, a pity he returned to YunNan."
"If I write to him, I'm sure he'll come back and offer his gratitude in person," XiaoYanZi said.
The emperor laughed, "then by all means write to him."
XiaoYanZi's wide grin seemed to chase away all the uncertainty and heartache of the past few weeks.
"LaoFoYe, Qing-er has a request."
The dowager empress looked at her ward as she knelt on the floor and fought a sigh. She had wondered if Qing-er would find the courage.
The child was clearly nervous, but seemed determined to speak her piece.
"You would have me give XiaoYanZi's brother a chance."
"Yes." Qing-er was glad of LaoFoYe's directness.
"What is so good about him that you remain so attached even after two years of absence?"
"I don't know," Qing-er replied honestly, "I could speak to LaoFoYe about his intelligence, his martial arts abilities, his dedication to his friends, but none of these attributes would be reason enough. I only know that I had once vowed not to let another chance at happiness pass me by. And so, I am setting aside all dignity and shamelessly asking LaoFoYe to indulge me in my choice."
"And if he should have married another in the meantime?"
"Then Qing-er will submit to a marriage of LaoFoYe's choosing."
"Indeed?"
"Qing-er knows LaoFoYe wishes only the best for Qing-er. I recognize LaoFoYe's yongxin and kuxin, but Qing-er also wishes for a chance to make her own choice. If it leads to heartbreak, Qing-er has no one but herself to blame. But...but Qing-er has faith that she is not alone in feeling so strongly."
"You do realize how foolish you sound."
"Yes," Qing-er admitted.
"You have been thoroughly corrupted, haven't you?"
"Qing-er knows that LaoFoYe does not understand or wishes to understand how anyone could prioritize affection so highly. But Qing-er admires ZiWei and XiaoYanZi for their willingness to fight for their beliefs. It affords them freedom and bravery that Qing-er did not realize she wanted."
"I hope for your sake you're right. If, however, he should fail to make a return within the next year, then I will hold you to your word."
Qing-er kowtowed, "Qing-er thanks LaoFoYe."
"The story has a happy ending, though, for XuXian and BaiSuZhen," ZiWei commented softly as she stood next to Qing-er on the bridge.
"And my prison is larger than Leifeng Ta." Qing-er murmured just as softly in reply.
"He won't make you wait so long."
Qing-er gazed out over the lake, "It is a long way to YunNan. And he may not even be there."
"I believe that you yuan ren will ultimately reunite."
Qing-er smiled a little at her friend, "you've always been an optimist."
The matter of XiaYingYing curtailed their stay in HangZhou but the emperor was allowed little time to focus on his heartache as the situation with Burma became ever more unstable.
Yongqi went to YunNan with ErKang and the army, in part to avoid LaoFoYe's plans for him to marry ZhiHua. XiaoYanZi moped and seemed paler in his absence. And then, one day, she vomited right into a flower pot while ZiWei and Qing-er were visiting JinYangGong.
"XiaoYanZi!" ZiWei cried out in alarm while Qing-er quickly asked the servants to summon a physician.
"I'm fine," XiaoYanZi protested even as she remained bent over the plant.
Qing-er brought her a cup of water to rinse her mouth, "did you eat something that disagreed with you?"
XiaoYanZi shook her head, "I have a stomach of steel."
"GeGe has not had much of an appetite lately," MingYue commented as she brought a cloth for XiaoYanZi to wipe her mouth.
"She has also been complaining of fatigue." CaiXia added as she took the now empty cup.
"I haven't been sleeping well in Yongqi's absence," XiaoYanZi said dismissively.
"XiaoYanZi…" ZiWei gasped suddenly, "is it possible…"
"Possible for what?" XiaoYanZi frowned but then paled as she bent over the flower pot again.
"I think we should help you to your bed," Qing-er said once XiaoYanZi had calmed again.
"I'm fine…"
"No, you're not."
XiaoYanZi grumbled, but knew not to protest when ZiWei used that tone of voice.
"Congratulations, GeGe, you are with child."
"Oh!" ZiWei clapped her hands as her suspicions were confirmed.
"I'm what?!" XiaoYanZi's eyes grew comically large.
"With child," the royal physician patiently repeated.
"With child," XiaoYanZi parroted in disbelief even as her hand reflexively curled around her abdomen.
Qing-er took instructions from the physician to allow XiaoYanZi some privacy.
She returned to see a much calmer XiaoYanZi listening carefully to ZiWei as she shared her own experience with having Dong-er.
"Better?"
XiaoYanZi nodded, "Qing-er...I'm really with child...does this mean, does this mean Yongqi won't have to marry ZhiHua?"
"Oh XiaoYanZi…" Qing-er really didn't have the heart to tell her friend that it wasn't so simple.
"Silly me," XiaoYanZi then answered her own question, "of course not. I have to give birth first, preferably to a boy."
"Yongqi won't care for the gender as long as you and the child remain healthy." ZiWei declared.
XiaoYanZi shook her head, "but LaoFoYe will care."
"She's not blind to your improvements," Qing-er said a little helplessly.
XiaoYanZi glance down at her stomach, "little one, you'll help me out, won't you? You won't let your AhMa bring another woman into JinYangGong, will you?"
"XiaoYanZi…" ZiWei said soothingly, "you know better than to doubt Yongqi."
"I trust Yongqi," XiaoYanZi said, "but I don't trust LaoFoYe."
"Don't worry so much, it's not good for the baby."
ZiWei's comment earned her a smile from the mother-to-be, "as though you didn't worry constantly when you had Dong-er."
ZiWei laughed as she nodded in agreement.
Later, as the two walked through the palace, ZiWei admitted to Qing-er, "I wonder if we should tell XiaoYanZi about the suspicions regarding WuAhGe's future."
"I think in her own way, XiaoYanZi already knows."
"But she can find comfort in pretend ignorance as long as no one says anything?"
Qing-er nodded. "Besides, such things are never certain until HuangShang has made an open declaration. And HuangShang knows Yongqi's position regarding anything that might hurt XiaoYanZi."
"Did not the Hongzhi emperor have only one wife?" ZiWei asked after a moment.
"LaoFoYe still does not think XiaoYanZi a proper FuJin, let alone empress."
ZiWei sighed, "and though LingGuiFei seems to hold the power of mistress of the Inner Palace now, LaoFoYe retains the final word on most matters."
"ZhiHua honestly seems to admire WuAhGe." Qing-er shared, "her prayers for his safe return are not less fervent than that of XiaoYanZi or LaoFoYe."
"Not everyone can be as insightful or as generous as you were."
"If I didn't see the evidence for myself, I also would not have believed that any man could be as zhuanyi as ErKang and Yongqi are."
"You forgot to add XiaoJian to that list."
Qing-er sighed, "I believe in him, I do...but it's difficult not to be a little fearful...I...I try, but I don't think I'll ever be as brave as you or XiaoYanZi."
"We all have our fears." ZiWei said as she reached to clasped Qing-er's hand, "and so we must support each other."
Qing-er squeezed her friend's hand gratefully, "Yes."
Victorious news eventually came from the war front.
XiaoYanZi wanted to ride out to greet Yongqi, but knew that she would not be allowed in her condition. With how far along she was, she was barely allowed outside of JinYangGong and then only in either ZiWei or Qing-er's presence. Remembering what Yongqi had said about needing to focus on the war without distractions, she hadn't allowed anyone to inform him of her pregnancy. She tried to be patient but found herself looking up at any slight noise.
Yongqi searched the gathered crowd and frowned when he failed to see his beloved. Only ErKang's cough reminded him to complete the steps of the protocol. FuHeng, as the leading general, answered most questions from the emperor until HuangShang asked about the commoner who had been so instrumental in the Qing victory.
FuHeng laughed and turned to his two supporting generals, "Cheng believes WuAhGe and EFu are more fit to make the introductions."
Yongqi and ErKang traded a smile before gesturing for XiaoJian to come out from the troops behind them.
Qing-er, standing besides LaoFoYe, gasped and clasped her hands together to control their shaking.
"XiaoJian!" The emperor exclaimed with a booming laugh.
XiaoJian bowed, "XiaoJian offers his greetings to HuangShang."
"Hmmm, before, you had rejected zhen's offer of an official title for helping zhen's children. Now, zhen must reward you yet again. So, name your desire."
XiaoJian bowed again, "Since HuangShang has asked, I will answer truthfully. I seek not titles or riches, but a person."
"Oh?"
"If Qing-GeGe remains unwed and is willing, I would like to ask for her hand in marriage."
"How courageous of you to ask for such a boon."
"HuangShang asked."
The emperor nodded in approval at the young man's audacity, "Qing-er?"
Qing-er stepped forward in a daze.
"Qing-GeGe." XiaoJian said respectfully. His tone was steady but his eyes held such a mixture of hope and uncertainty.
The words came naturally to her despite her nerves. "Since we are to be husband and wife, surely your can call me by name."
He nodded but seemed incapable of speech.
The emperor's laugh interrupted their moment, "though you did not ask for them, a title and riches will still be conferred upon you as a bridegroom of the Royal Family. But come, there is one other person zhen is certain you'll be wanting to see. Yongqi, lead your brother in law to JinYangGong, if only to make sure XiaoYanZi hasn't burnt it to the ground in her anxiety!"
Yongqi gave a quick thanks and moved with a speed that was barely polite as he followed his father's instructions.
The emperor laughed again at his son's impatience.
"XiaoYanZi!"
The door burst open causing XiaoYanZi to turn around. "Yongqi."
Before she knew it, he had wrapped her up in his arms, "How I have missed you!"
"I promised myself I wouldn't cry," she complained into his shirt, "and here I am being all weepy. I can only blame my pregnancy for being so emotional."
"Pregnancy?" He loosened his hold on her and at last got a good look at his wife, "XiaoYanZi...you're…"
"Very pregnant, yes."
"But...but how?"
She flushed even as she hit his arm, "it's all your fault!"
"I…"
"At least you made it back before the child is born."
"Yes...XiaoYanZi…" he reached out with his hand but then paused with uncertainty.
She rolled her eyes as she grabbed his wrist and bridged the gap between his palm and her abdomen, "this little one is very thoughtful and has caused me very little trouble aside from a few initial weeks of nausea. Takes after you more than me in temperament I think."
"XiaoYanZi…"
Her gaze softened at the look of wonder on his face.
"Why didn't you write to tell me?" He asked.
"You said you didn't want distractions…"
Her words were cut off, however, as he kissed her deeply.
He pressed his forehead to hers, "I love you so much."
"And I you," she replied with just as much feeling.
"Come," he tugged on her hand, "I've got a present for you."
"It's not an elephant, is it? The picture you sent looked interesting, but I'm not sure we've got the room."
He laughed at her, "no, not an elephant, although it is alive."
"Alive?"
She paused when she saw XiaoJian.
"Hello, meimei!"
"Brother! Oh!" She turned and hit Yongqi's arm again, "don't you know I shouldn't experience any shocks in my state?"
He looked alarmed, "I…"
"Never mind," she turned back towards her brother and hugged him as well as she could, "does Qing-er know you're back?"
"Not only does she know, but he asked for her hand in marriage in front of everyone." Yongqi said with a grin.
"Everyone?"
XiaoJian nodded, "I wanted as many witnesses as possible so that LaoFoYe would not be able to protest. HuangShang has granted his permission."
"Very clever," XiaoYanZi praised.
"And you! I see I will soon be an uncle!"
XiaoYanZi smiled, "I'm glad you've returned. This child needs some maternal relatives to face off against the paternal ones."
"I am just one person, though."
"But worth a whole squadron of soldiers in usefulness."
"Meimei is too generous." XiaoJian protested.
"I'm just so happy you're all back safely."
"Though not all were so lucky," Yongqi murmured as a shadow crossed his face.
"There is no victory without loss," XiaoJian reminded him.
"I know," Yongqi sighed at hearing the now familiar reminder.
"Yongqi?"
"I'll tell you about it later, I promise," Yongqi told his wife, "I will not mar this current moment of reunion."
"And that is my cue to take my leave," XiaoJian said with a grin, "to grant you privacy."
"Go see Qing-er," XiaoYanZi tore her eyes from her husband for a moment, "she's waited for you for too long."
"I know."
"LaoFoYe jixiang," XiaoJian greeted politely when he was announced at CiNingGong.
"You have returned to us quite the hero."
"I only wished to help my friends."
"Hmmm...Yes. I have heard much about your generosity towards friends."
"Aside from XiaoYanZi, I have no other family. Thus, I have cultivated friendships to fill the void."
"You certainly cultivated friends in high places."
"It has been my good fortune." XiaoJian agreed.
"And they would maintain it has been their good fortune."
"Then it must be a matter of fate, yuanfeng."
"Yuanfeng? And you believe to have such fate with my Qing-er?"
"Yes." He replied without hesitation.
"You would take her away from a lonely old woman."
"Qing-GeGe will always remain LaoFoYe's Qing-er. I only ask that LaoFoYe be willing to share her with me."
"And if I am unwilling to share?"
"I believe that like me, LaoFoYe does not wish to be the cause for a sorrowful or hurt Qing-GeGe."
"I doubt your commitment to her."
"I know."
"You make no reassurances?"
"My words would be empty without any actions to prove their worth."
"Your past life as a wanderer does not predict for a stable future." LaoFoYe pointed out.
"My wandering also served a purpose that has been fulfilled. Qing-GeGe gives me new goals, new purpose. I am a determined sort of man."
"That you are." LaoFoYe then added after a moment, "you could easily tear her from my side, if you were to tell her that you never received the letters."
"I see no point in damaging LaoFoYe's relationship with Qing-GeGe. She holds you in the utmost regard. She would be devastated if she knew LaoFoYe's involvement in trying to make sure I never returned to BeiJing. I could not bring her such pain."
"I should criticize you for your irreverence."
XiaoJian waited for the reprimand that never came. Instead, LaoFoYe said, "she's in the eastern garden."
XiaoJian nodded, "XiaoJian thanks LaoFoYe."
He found her in the pagoda overlooking the pond.
"Qing-er…"
"Shhhh…" she cautioned him, "you'll disturb the mandarin ducks."
He sat next to her and followed her gaze to the two birds frolicking in the water.
"How happy they look."
"Yes."
"Forgive me, for forcing you into a corner."
She looked at him then, "What corner?"
"You are too kind to let me lose face in front of all and sundry."
"I accepted you of my own free will."
At her words, he lightly grasped her hand in his.
"XiaoYanZi said you've been waiting."
"She spoke the truth."
"Why were you so foolish? You could have known happiness such as the birds' after I left. Someone as amazing as you surely would have had your pick of suitors."
"LaoFoYe did provide a few choices over the years," she admitted, "but none of them were you."
"Qing-er…"
"Besides, have you not been equally as foolish?"
"How do you know?"
"You would not dare ask for my hand if you had a family already. HuangShang would have your head no matter your contributions during this war."
His grip tightened, "my clever Qing-er."
"Yes."
He leaned towards her and her eyes fluttered shut. She felt him brush a kiss onto her forehead before his arms closed about her.
"I have missed you."
"Don't leave me again," she pleaded.
"I won't. Never again."
"What happened to ZhiHua?" Yongqi thought to ask during the banquet.
XiaoYanZi immediately looked thunderous.
ZiWei coughed, "I wouldn't mention her name too loudly."
"What happened?"
"Why are you so curious about her?" XiaoYanZi bit out.
Yongqi blinked at the anger in her voice, "I'm not...I just got used to seeing both her and Qing-er at LaoFoYe's side."
"XiaoYanZi has a right to be angry," ZiWei said wearily, "even I can never forgive her."
"What happened?" Yongqi asked again while ErKang laid a comforting hand on that of his wife.
"She wanted to ensure that LaoFoYe would have reason to appoint her to you."
"What?"
XiaoYanZi laid a protective hand on her abdomen, "if I remained childless…"
"No…"
"You don't believe me?"
"I do!" Yongqi said quickly, "just...she's so young!"
"And thus impressionable," ErKang commented thoughtfully, "it's too bad that she learned such evil means of achieving her goals."
"Fortunately Qing-er discovered the plot early. HuangAhMa also took into consideration his friendship with Master Chen and ZhiHua was just sent home in disgrace rather than demand her life."
"Qing-er?"
ZiWei nodded, "Since our return from the trip, Qing-er has been more guarded, less trusting. She cautioned XiaoYanZi to be careful of ZhiHua. It turned out she was right."
XiaoJian looked across towards LaoFoYe's table where the dowager empress was smiling at a remark from Qing-er. "I forget sometimes, what being LaoFoYe's ward entails."
"Qing-er does not approve of duplicity," ZiWei told him.
XiaoJian nodded, "I should have tried harder to take her away."
"She is not a damsel in distress." It was surprisingly XiaoYanZi who made such an insightful comment. At her brother's questioning look, XiaoYanZi explained, "in the past, she had rescued me and ZiWei so many times from LaoFoYe's wrath. She has far greater understanding of how this palace and the people associated with it operates."
"I remember telling her," ErKang added, "when she helped me and ZiWei, that she was no longer the obedient shadow by LaoFoYe's side but a woman with her own ideas and convictions."
"And she has chosen me…" XiaoJian murmured in appreciation of what he has been told.
As though she felt his gaze on her, Qing-er glanced over in his direction with that same smile that formed the first memory he ever had of her.
"It is a great honor," he told his friends when she turned back to the dowager empress.
"Yes…" ErKang agreed but his eyes were on his own wife.
ZiWei flushed but let her husband intertwine their hands together.
"To have the love of a good woman is indeed a privilege," Yongqi murmured.
XiaoYanZi looked at him oddly, "Are you alright?"
"I…" he smiled at her, "now that I am back at your side, yes."
She tilted her head, "It's true what the poets say."
"What?"
"Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. You were never so sweet before you left for war."
"I wasn't? Then that was my mistake. Life can be so fragile, so fleeting...I will not make the same mistake again."
She frowned. "Yongqi…"
He held her hand in his, "you are so very precious to me...both of you now," he added with a brief glance at her abdomen, "and I desire to be nothing other than a good husband and a good AhMa."
"Yongqi…"
He squeezed her hand, "don't cry."
"I'm not crying."
He grinned at her, "if you say so."
She hit his arm with her free hand in response, which just caused him to laugh.
"So he came back after all."
"Is LaoFoYe disappointed?" Qing-er dared to ask.
The dowager empress made no direct response. "How devious of him, to have asked for your hand in so public a manner. And the way he looked at you tonight...I could have him punished for such brazenness if I chose."
Qing-er quietly continued to brush LaoFoYe's hair.
"You are not yet his."
Qing-er heard clearly the possessiveness in her guardian's voice and could not help but be reminded of the way ZhiHua had claimed Yongqi to be hers.
LaoFoYe looked at their reflections in the mirror, noting that Qing-er's eyes remained downcast. She had taught her ward how to hide her true thoughts and emotions all too well. She should be proud that her Qing-er has learned so well. Why then, did her heart ache? Her Qing-er ought not fear her.
"You blame me, don't you?"
"LaoFoYe?" Qing-er did pause her movements then.
"For ZhiHua."
Qing-er blinked at the abrupt change in topic, "ZhiHua may have been young, but she still made her own choice."
"You hold no sympathy for her?"
When Qing-er remained silent, LaoFoYe murmured, "Too many times, women wait, sometimes their whole lives, and are still left with just a set of empty rooms."
"And yet LaoFoYe would have doomed ZhiHua to such a fate." Qing-er could not completely hide the reproach from her voice.
"You can't know that."
Qing-er shook her head, "LaoFoYe still does not understand."
"You think your XiaoJian will stay true to you?"
"I do," Qing-er stated with conviction.
"You are a fool."
"Yes," Qing-er did not disagree.
"How do you know that he has not already betrayed you?"
"I trust him."
"You should not trust so easily."
"I choose to trust him."
"What has he done to earn your loyalty?"
"In his heart of hearts, he is an idealist. He would not betray me."
"I pray that he never proves you wrong."
"He won't. He loves me."
"Love? It is but a fleeting fancy. How long do you expect the attraction to last? Once he has you, will he continue to treasure you? More likely he will lose interest once the challenge is no longer present."
"LaoFoYe wrongs him in accusing him of being so heartless."
"I would have you be realistic."
Qing-er shook her head, "In LaoFoYe's world, men parcel out their affection into little pieces. But Qing-er has seen a different world where men as well as women can give all of themselves to just one person, a world in which a marriage is between equals, not based on the wife's obedience alone."
"And you think he'll treat you as an equal?"
"XiaoJian is more worldly than I am," Qing-er admitted, "and his pride is at once a strength and a hindrance. But yes, I believe he will. And if not…" she paused before straightening her shoulders, "I have learned that it is something on which I can insist if I so chose. I will ensure that my voice is not silenced."
Seeing her quiet determination, LaoFoYe once again felt a sense of pride. Her Qing-er was kind, intelligent, filial, insightful, thoughtful, sensible...and though the child had given her whole heart away, still retained her dignity.
"Good." LaoFoYe at last said, "Good."
The two returned to their previous task, as though nothing had changed. The string of beads she had worn since she herself became a bride was carefully stored, but LaoFoYe knew that she would pass them on to a new owner soon. As a dowager empress, she wanted more for the princess that was her ward. But as a grandmother, she was cautiously optimistic about her grand-daughter's happiness.