Shame: an AU. a matter of timing
"Xiaojie, there is a young man at the door."
ZiWei looked up from her guqin and frowned. "A young man?"
"A stranger," JinSuo clarified, "not from around these parts, if I am to judge by his clothing."
"What is he doing out there in this rain?"
"A traveler, he said he was, who is seeking shelter for himself and his master."
"There are more of them?" ZiWei asked warily.
JinSuo nodded, "I should have turned them away...only...he said one of their horses was injured…"
ZiWei bit her lip in consideration before standing, "I'll go speak to him."
"Xiaojie…"
"They don't have to enter the household; the stables have a separate entrance. We have not had use of them for many years, but they should offer shelter enough."
"By his clothing, the young man seems to come from wealth."
"Then it will be his choice, whether or not to accept our aid."
JinSuo nodded in understanding and opened the umbrella.
ErKang could hear as the faint sound of the guqin abruptly stopped. He hoped that it meant the maid had told the mistress of the household their current predicament. Still, he couldn't help but be a little disappointed; the music had easily revealed the skill of the player.
The door creaked as it opened and ErKang looked up hopefully.
"Young master, JinSuo says you and your party are in need of shelter?"
Heavens, she was beautiful. How had it not occurred to him that the mistress of the household may be so young?
"Young master?"
At her frown, he remembered himself, "if at all possible, yes. We are merchants passing through the area."
"How many?"
"8." He went on to name those in the party.
"I fear we are a small household, comprised solely of myself, my ailing mother, and our maid, JinSuo. As much as I would like to offer aid, I fear it would be unseemly for me to grant entry to 8 strange men."
"I understand." And he did. She was right to be cautious. "Thank you for your time."
"But…"
He turned back to her.
"But you are free to use the stables, if you wish. I fear they have fallen into disrepair, but the roof does not leak and the doors and windows remain strong."
"Thank you."
She nodded, "If you will follow the path as it wraps around the wall, the first door you come to around the corner should be big enough for entry for your party and your horses. JinSuo and I will go unlock it now."
"Thank you," he said again, but she had already retreated behind a closed door.
He apologized to the emperor for the simple nature of their surroundings, only to be met with an understanding smile.
"Once the fire gets going, we will be quite comfortable."
A knock on the door alerted him to the maid's presence.
"Xiaojie sent me with some dry clothing for your party. They are old, as they had been LaoYe's, before he passed away, but they should still be in good condition."
"Fortunately, much of our parcels have remained dry."
JinSuo nodded but added, "I'll return with some blankets and comforters then."
"Allow me to assist you," ErKang offered.
JinSuo hesitated a moment but then nodded again.
He followed her through the hallways of the estate. The place seemed clean but there were signs of age. The walls needed a fresh layer of paint and many of the rooms seemed to be closed permanently. The gardens seemed to have been allowed to grow wild but for a small patch that seemed to hold...vegetables? He paused briefly at the unexpected sight.
"Shaoye?"
JinSuo's voice alerted him that he was being impolite.
"My apologies."
She followed his gaze, "Taitai and Xiaojie have learned to be as self sufficient as possible...particularly after LaoYe's passing."
"The loss of her father must be difficult for your xiaojie."
"You mean for taitai."
'What?"
"LaoYe had been xiaojie's grandfather."
"Oh?"
"Taitai…" JinSuo hesitated, wondering if she should explain.
"XiaoJie never knew her father," she settled on an ambiguous statement of truth.
"I see." But he really didn't. Nonetheless, he was too polite to pry.
ZiWei met them before they returned to the stables with a container meant to keep food warm, "I brewed some ginger soup, to ward off the chill."
He hoisted the blankets onto one arm and reached for it, "you are too kind."
"I have grown practiced at brewing medicines," she said quietly as she handed him the container.
"Ah yes, I remember you said your mother is ill."
She nodded, "shaoye has a good memory."
"Is she too ill to receive guests?"
"Shaoye?"
He didn't blame her for looking wary. "I only wished to offer my gratitude in person."
"Mother…" she paused and sighed a little, "mother sleeps more often than not, nowadays, and is given to moments of confusion. I fear…" she paused again, as though aware she had revealed too much, "grandfather had always taught me to do unto other as I would have others do unto me. He would have said yes despite..." she pressed her lips close together to keep from telling him more. What was it about him that made her want to be truthful?
"Forgive me for causing you distress. JinSuo had said your grandfather had passed."
"It's been two years...not a day goes by that he is not missed," she murmured softly before seeming to shake herself, "I have delayed you unnecessarily. The soup should be taken when it's still warm."
He understood the words to be a dismissal.
He heard the sound of the guqin again later that evening. The music was as sad and wistful as she had seemed during their brief conversation. He found that he wanted to know the cause for her melancholy. He couldn't help but feel a bit relieved when the emperor developed a fever. He might have felt guilty had not HuTaiYi reassured them all that it was only a mild illness and would pass with time and rest.
It did startle him, when the emperor suddenly sat up in the bed with a cry of "YuHe!"
The emperor blinked as reality settled, "Ah, ErKang."
"LaoYe," ErKang brought the bowl closer.
"What a strange dream," the emperor muttered, seemingly to himself, "and yet how real it was…"
"LaoYe?"
The emperor sipped at the medicine, but his eyes were far away, "I wonder...I wonder if I would be able to find her…it's been so many years..."
"Her, LaoYe?" ErKang took the empty bowl from the emperor.
"YuHe," the emperor sighed the name, "we had met her in this city, in a rainstorm not unlike the one that had led us here. Her father had offered us shelter and we...we had…" he fell silent, as though suddenly aware of his present company.
ErKang bowed, "should LaoYe have need of anything…"
The emperor nodded in recognition.
The rain continued to fall.
"ErKang, do you think our hostess would be willing to help us with some meals?"
"AhMa?"
"What we have brought is coarse and dry, good enough for travel and battle, but certainly not suitable for LaoYe."
"I understand. I shall go ask."
He didn't know how to contact her though. He had tried the door leading to the main estate, only to find it locked from the other side. Again, he didn't blame her for being careful, but...he couldn't help but wonder.
"Oh, it's you." JinSuo said when she answered the front gates.
"Yes." He passed along his father's request.
"I shall ask xiaojie," she said before closing the door in his face again.
He waited and perked up when the door made the creaking noise again. But JinSuo was alone.
"We have not the supplies to feed so many…"
"I can provide it," he quickly said, "whatever you need. It's just...us men are poor cooks."
To his surprise, she smiled a little, "xiaojie predicted you may say that. Very well, if you will provide the supplies, we will do what we can."
"My thanks."
She nodded before closing the gates again.
Nonetheless, he felt like he had accomplished much.
He met JinSuo at the door adjoining the stables and the main estate at the appointed hour each day and offered his thanks every time.
"Xiaojie cooked some of the dishes herself," she shared after three days of such behavior.
"Did she?" he took the container from her, "you had said she and your taitai were self sufficient."
"Yes…" JinSuo said before sharing, "I worry for her."
"Oh?"
"Taitai...taitai is not long for this world."
"We have a physician with us, perhaps he can examine your taitai?"
Seeing her hesitation, he added, "it's the least we can do, to thank you for your hospitality."
She bit her lip but at last said, "I shall ask."
HuTaiYi did not have to say any words for ZiWei to look resigned.
"Thank you," she said quietly.
"I have not given the diagnosis or the prognosis," the royal physician replied.
ZiWei shook her head, "you have no need to...I just wish…" she fell silent and repeated, "thank you."
HuTaiYi left, but ErKang lingered.
"Xia gu niang?"
She looked at him, "yes?"
"What is it that you wish?"
She looked away from him.
"I am sorry for prying."
She turned back to him. She wanted to trust him, but her mother had always taught her to be so careful…
"If it's within my power, I wish to help you obtain it."
"Why?"
He seemed surprised at her question. "Because...because I wish to repay your kindness...because...because it's the right thing to do."
She looked at him a long moment before turning back to the doorway that led to her mother's private room. "Mother says she never regretted bringing me into this world, never regretted meeting my father...even though...even though he never came back for her. It's impossible, but I wish she could see him one last time before...before…" she wiped away a tear, "mother has waited for so long…"
"Who is he? Your father?"
"I don't know," ZiWei told him honestly, "she would never say."
"I see."
"Do you?" she seemed to be searching for something in his expressions.
"She must have loved him deeply."
"Grandfather said...grandfather said their acquaintance was too brief for it to be love."
"And you?"
"What about me?"
"What do you think?"
"I…" she paused but then told him the truth, "I think mother clung to the idea of loving him, otherwise she would be torn apart by her shame."
"Shame? She cannot be the first woman to be abandoned by her husband."
ZiWei shook her head.
"Xia gu niang?"
"My father...he...he was never her husband." She waited for his censure, for the look of disgust and judgement at her revelation of the truth.
"Oh." And it all fell into place. Her wariness, the lack of visitors, the state of the estate, JinSuo's protectiveness. "I'm sorry."
She blinked at the gentleness of his words. "You have no need to apologize."
"I have caused you distress."
She shook her head, "I…"
"ZiWei!"
She looked again towards her mother's rooms, "if you'll excuse me."
She came with JinSuo that night, to deliver the supper meal.
"Xia gu niang…" he greeted her respectfully.
"Fu shaoye," she returned his greeting, "I hope your LaoYe is recovering well."
"Yes. We should be able to stop taking advantage of your hospitality soon."
"I didn't mean…"
"It's alright, I understand."
She couldn't help but marvel again at his kindness.
"I'm sorry," he was quick to apologize at the sight of the tears gathering in her eyes.
She shook her head even as she did her best to control her emotions. "Mother finally told me who my father is."
"Oh?"
"She said...she said her end was near and she wanted...wanted me to go look for him."
"Ah."
"Will you?" He asked after a moment.
"I...I don't know...it's an impossible task."
"If I may be of help…"
She couldn't help her intake of breath when his hand overlapped with hers as he reached for the food container.
His reflexes, honed after years of martial trainer, saved the container from shattering onto the ground.
Her eyes downcast, she quickly withdrew through the doorway.
He watched as the door closed, his grip on the container tightening as he heard the sound of the bolt sliding once more into place.
"ErKang, we would have you ask for information."
"Of course, LaoYe has only to name the topic."
"We seek a person."
"Ah."
"Her name was XiaYuHe…"
"XiaYuHe…" he repeated the name, testing the sounds.
"We meant to come back for her...but...she is probably someone else's wife now."
ErKang nodded in understanding, "cheng obeys."
Away from the emperor, he frowned to himself. Could it be…
He wasn't surprised that she didn't accompany JinSuo for the lunch delivery. Still, he had an assignment to fulfill.
"JinSuo...have you lived in JiNan long?"
"Ever since I was five and LaoYe took me in."
"Then may I ask about a person?"
"Shaoye may ask, but I fear that though I venture out more than taitai or xiaojie, my world is limited."
"I'd like to try nonetheless."
She nodded.
"Do you know the name XiaYuHe?"
The effect was immediate as JinSuo paled. "Why does shaoye ask?"
"My master is looking for her."
"Is he?"
"He mentioned a promise he had made, years ago."
"Did he?" JinSuo backed away from him.
"JinSuo?"
She shook her head and quickly closed the door. Even in her haste, however, she did not forget to lock it behind her.
ErKang did not wait in vain as the door opened again.
"Who are you?" ZiWei asked him.
"Fu ErKang."
"And who is Fu ErKang?" her fear was obvious.
"An Imperial Guard."
"An Imperial…" her eyes widened.
"Yes."
"That means…"
"Yes."
Unthinkingly, he reached out to steady her as she swayed.
"Xia gu niang!"
She flinched at his touch, causing him to release her quickly.
"You...then your master…"
"Is your father."
"My father…" she made a sound halfway between a laugh and a sob. "My father…" she repeated.
"Xia gu niang?" he worried for a moment that she would go into hysterics, but she seemed to settle herself.
"He came back after all. Mother...mother hasn't waited in vain."
"Will she want to see him?"
"Of course!" She paused, "does he...does he wish to see her?"
"I believe so, yes. He will wish to meet you as well."
"Me?"
"LaoYe is...is fond of beauty, is used to having his way...but...LaoYe is not without honor."
"He is your liege."
"Yes but...whatever his faults, he tasked me with finding your mother. And I honestly believe that he will recognize you as his daughter and give you what is your due."
"My due?"
"You are a princess."
"I...I am a 野种, an abomination, an embodiment of shame…"
"No," he said forcefully, his hands fisting together, "no, you are all that is kind and generous. You are sweet and innocent. And...and…" He quieted, forcing back the words he truly wanted to say. But she seemed to know his meaning anyways as her eyes widened.
She looked away from him, "I will go inform mother...she will...she will wish to look her best for…"
"For your father?"
She just looked at him. Even though the initial shock had faded, she found herself still in a state of disbelief.
"Should I inform him that I have found her?"
"Yes, he has a right to know. But…"
"I will wait for you to decide on the right time for them to see each other again."
"Thank you."
"HuangShang, this...this is our ZiWei."
Her mother's hold on her hand was still so slight, but her smile was truly dazzling despite the paleness of her features.
"ZiWei…"
"Come, ZiWei, this is your father."
ZiWei found that the words were stuck in her throat.
"ZiWei?"
"It's alright," the emperor said, "it must be a shock."
ZiWei nodded.
"I have tried to raise her as a true princess. HuangShang will find that she does not lack for intelligence or talents."
"Of that I have no doubt."
"I only ask that...that HuangShang care for her when I am gone."
"YuHe…"
For once, her mother seemed at peace. "The taiyi has already examined me. Even without his assessment...I am aware of the limits of my body...I am only glad that fate was kind enough to allow me to see HuangShang one last time."
"ZiWei…"
"Mother…"
"My ZiWei...you'll be a good daughter, yes?"
"Of course mother."
"What I said before...I take it back...be brave my daughter."
"Mother…"
"I will be looking over you…"
"Mother…"
But XiaYuHe's eyes had closed for the last time.
The rain had finally stopped. But as she knelt and kowtowed at her mother's grave, ZiWei still could not feel the warmth of the sun's rays.
"ZiWei…"
"LaoYe." She could still not bring herself to call him father.
"She will be well-guarded here in the temples. What we have failed to give her in life, we will give her in death."
ZiWei looked at the inscription on the tombstone. "ZiWei thanks LaoYe."
"And you...we cannot make your title official until we return to the capital, but JiShiFu has already thought of the perfect name for you."
"JiShiFu is very learned."
"Yes."
"Are you not curious as to the name we will bestow upon you?" he asked when she stayed quiet.
He took her bowed head as agreement, "MingZhuGeGe. Because you are our 掌上明珠."
"LaoYe is too kind."
"Does our kindness move you enough to call us father?"
"LaoYe…"
He sighed, "we understand your reluctance. We will try to be patient."
"ZiWei thanks LaoYe."
ErKang helped her load her meager belongings into the wagon, taking extra care with the guqin.
"Thank you," she told him quietly.
"You have time to get to know LaoYe before we must return to the capital."
"He has been very kind," she admitted, "but...I cannot forget who he is."
"He can be lonely too," ErKang observed.
"Lonely?"
"LaoYe may be powerful, but he is still human. Your mother's death weighs on him as well…"
"What advice do you have to offer?"
"You would hear my counsel?"
She nodded. "LaoYe trusts your judgement. I can think of no greater recommendation."
Her words thrilled him. "Think of him as but a man who has recently lost the woman he loves."
"Did he love her?" How lost she looked.
"Not the same way your mother loved him, perhaps, but yes, I believe he truly did."
"Mother...mother felt beholden to him, in part because of who he was. Her love for him could not be the only reason she waited."
"She would wish for you to get to know him beyond his title, nonetheless."
She looked up at him again, "you are of an observant nature."
"It is my duty to watch and find insight."
He was glad to see her gradually relax as the days passed.
"Ah! Another game!" He could hear the pride in the emperor's voice and paused in the doorway at the glimpse of her smiling face.
"As LaoYe wishes."
She was focused on the weiqi game and did not seem aware that she was being watched. He should not stare at her so, but he could not but be mesmerized at her concentration.
A cough alerted him to his father's presence. "ErKang."
"Father."
"I think the scrolls from the capital can wait a little bit longer, don't you?"
"Yes, father."
"ErKang."
"Father?" He turned around at his father's tone of voice.
"She is a princess."
"Yes father."
FuLun nodded before departing. ErKang stole one more look at her before leaving to store the scrolls safely.
His father meant the reminder to be a warning, but...it had the opposite effect. When she had just been XiaZiWei, he could not offend her modesty and declare himself. But now...he dared to think that he could make her his wife. Because he was certain now that what he felt was not just a passing fancy, was not mere attraction. There was a vulnerability to her that he wanted to protect, yes, but there was also a quiet strength that he admired.
ErKang, along with the rest of their party, watched as she wrote out her poem. Despite the mockery of the elders, she retained her smile.
He could not help but smile with her when the tone of her audience changed to one of admiration.
"I am but a student still. The true masters are LaoYe and JiShiFu," she said modestly.
The emperor laughed, "For you to have a sample of my daughter's is your good fortune. But we have tarried long enough. This lake still has other marvels for us to discover."
ZiWei nodded in understanding as she returned to her father's side.
"Xiaojie truly is gifted," JiShiFu remarked as they resumed their walk.
"I was but inspired by JiShiFu's own works."
"Oh?"
ZiWei smiled again as she quoted a sample of his poetry.
The emperor laughed, "Hmmm, ZiWei, you had also named us as a master. Might you also know some of our poems?"
ZiWei obeyed the subtle command.
ErKang watched as she thoroughly charmed the emperor and JiShiFu. And indeed, she had quietly made an impression on all in their party. He had even overheard EMing tell FuLiuShu that they should have a young lady with them for all future trips. He was so proud of her and wished that he could tell her. But...it really wasn't his place, was it?
"Fu shaoye, did LaoYe have any instructions?"
"No."
"Then…"
"I just...just wished to tell you how impressed I was with your poem today."
"Oh," she flushed.
"And also...also with your 才气."
"Fu shaoye is too kind."
"I only speak the truth."
"Mother...mother was always strict with my education. I didn't understand, not until…" she paused, "I know your admiration is offered in earnest...as was your advice. I have not had an opportunity to offer my thanks."
"No thanks is necessary."
She shook her head, "I am not used to such kindness…"
"You are deserving of it and more besides." He declared.
"Fu shaoye…"
"I mean it. And not just because of who your father is. You deserve to be treated justly and fairly for yourself."
"I wish...I wish all people were as upright as Fu shaoye."
The urge to protect her had never been so strong.
She sighed, "I know the world to be imperfect but...having met Fu shaoye, I also know that there are still good people in it. If you will not accept my thanks for your advice, then please accept my gratitude for giving me hope."
"There's really no need…"
"Please…"
"Alright. If you must thank me then...then will you call me by name?"
"Fu shaoye?"
"You wished to offer your thanks, did you not?"
"I…"
He smiled a little, "Besides, we still have a month left to this trip. I'll feel awkward if you continue to call me shaoye, particularly as I am but an apprentice for LaoYe and you are the xiaojie of the household."
"It would be a security risk, wouldn't it, if I were to give the game away?"
He nodded at her reasoning.
"Alright then."
He waited but she did not utter his name. He hid his disappointment as well as he could. "I will not disrupt your rest. Good night."
"Good night…"
Only when he had departed and she had closed the door did she dare whisper, "ErKang."
She did eventually call him by name, but the setting was too chaotic for him to take pleasure in hearing it.
"ZiWei…" he didn't realize he called her by name as he made his way to her side.
"Your arm…" she managed to say.
"It's nothing," he quickly reassured her, "but you…"
He had never felt so helpless than at the sight of the knife sticking out of her chest.
"Xiaojie must be moved to a safe location," HuTaiYi pronounced.
"Well, DingDaRen, you heard him. Get us to one now." The emperor's sharp command made obvious his own worry as he cradled his daughter in his arms.
"LaoYe…"
"ZiWei...don't talk. Save your energy. You will pull through this. We have lost your mother; we refuse to lose you too."
ZiWei winced as her wound was jostled but remained quiet. ErKang, hovering as they made their way to shelter, felt icy tendrils of fear as the red stain on her shirt grew steadily larger.
But duty called and he could not remain at her side. Investigations still had to be made as to the culprits behind the assassination attempt.
Night had fallen when he returned to her room, only to see the emperor holding vigil.
"HuangShang...would HuangShang care for any tea or snacks?"
The emperor shook his head, "we have no appetite, not with ZiWei like this...we have not known her long, but she has already become precious to us...what she did…"
"GeGe would surely wish for HuangShang to be mindful of his own health."
"We promised YuHe to care for her, but now…"
"What did HuTaiYi say?" He scarcely dared to breath.
"That she fainted from lack of blood. That the wound just missed her heart. That she will recover."
"Good." ErKang could not hide his relief.
"But we will not believe it until she wakes."
"Then I will wait with HuangShang."
"You are wounded as well…"
ErKang shook his head stubbornly, "please."
The emperor studied the young man before him. He had watched ErKang grow and knew him as well as he knew his own sons. It seemed...it seemed he will have ErKang as a son-in-law after all. "Very well then."
"ZiWei."
"AhMa."
"ZiWei."
"AhMa is safe?"
"Yes. Thanks to you. Although, we forbid you from ever doing something so stupid again."
"AhMa, please don't be angry. ZiWei only acted on instinct."
"My daughter…" he sighed, "how shall we face your mother in the afterlife? She had entrusted you to us...we had failed you for eighteen years and when you finally returned to our side, we failed you again."
"ZiWei is sorry to have worried AhMa."
"ErKang," the emperor still did not look away from his daughter, "go summon HuTaiYi."
"Of course, right away."
"AhMa…"
"Yes, ZiWei?"
"Is anyone else wounded?"
"Just ErKang, but only a small scrape, nothing major. Particularly not compared with your wound."
"AhMa…"
He smiled at her, "ah, so you are finally willing to accept us as your father?"
She blinked. The appellation had come so naturally to her that she hadn't realized she had changed the way she addressed him. "I…"
"You are a filial child, zhen knows. Zhen also knows to treasure those two words. It is not enough for you to be a foster daughter. Zhen wants the whole world to know that you are our true daughter; you will be a Gulun Gongzhu."
"AhMa," ZiWei protested, "such a title is befitting only the daughter of the empress."
"It matters not how you came to be. Zhen wants everyone to know that zhen favors you and is proud of you. Your bravery entitles you to reward."
HuTaiYi's entrance prevented further protestations. His pronouncement that ZiWei's pulse was stable was met with great relief.
"But GeGe will require rest and supplements to replenish the blood she has lost."
"I will help you brew it," ErKang said quickly.
"Will AhMa go rest now?" ZiWei asked her father when they were alone.
The emperor tucked her in, "you will continue to worry until we have, won't you?"
"AhMa's health is important."
He smiled at her, "as is yours. And so, yes, to prevent an impediment to your own recovery, we will go rest."
"Xiaojie…"
She smiled at loyal JinSuo, "you should rest too."
"I am not tired."
"Liar," she said with a hint of teasing, "Go on, JinSuo, I will rest again as well." She yawned for emphasis.
"XiaoJie worried us so…"
"But I am out of danger, HuTaiYi said so."
"Xiaojie…"
ZiWei pressed her maid's hand in reassurance, "You and I have been through much, but...we are not alone anymore. AhMa...AhMa will care for us. I understand now, why mother waited."
JinSuo nodded.
ZiWei found herself dozing off again. She woke to the sound of her name.
"ZiWei…"
She blinked as his visage cleared.
"ErKang."
"I've brought your medicine." He knew not to remark on her slip.
She let him help her sit up a little. She reached for the spoon only to have him bat her hand away.
"HuTaiYi said you're not to strain yourself." He lifted the spoon to her lips.
She hesitated a moment before letting him feed it to her.
As he set the bowl aside, she caught sight of the bandages around his left wrist.
"Your arm…"
"A mere surface wound." He said even as he helped her lie down again.
"But…" she still reached for it.
He took her hand and held it in his, causing her to still. "ZiWei…"
Her eyes widened as he said her name.
"I...I used to think that I was so strong...it's humbling to realize that I also have my weaknesses...and you...I have never been so frightened than at the prospect of losing you. I know I should let you rest but I...I do not wish to waste another moment to tell you that I…that your kindness, your intelligence, your bravery, it has all solidly bound me to you."
"Fu shaoye…"
He noted the way she addressed him, but he could only continue. "I am taking advantage, I know. You are also too intuitive not to understand me...Still, I want there to be no ambiguities. If you will have me, I wish to care for you for the rest of our lives. I know you do not trust easily, but I wish to show you that you are worthy of kindness and protection and...and...and love."
His words, combined with the way he was looking at her, stole her breath and she found that she could not utter any reply. But he seemed to understand as he released her hand and tucked it beneath the blanket.
"You will wish to think on it, I know. I do not expect an answer so soon, not when I've declared myself so suddenly and likely offended your modesty. So I will wait. As long as you know my heart…"
"Fu shaoye, I…"
He turned back with a slight smile, "I can be patient. Rest now."
She heard as the door closed and could only stare at the canopy overhead.
Be brave, her mother had said. Her father thought she had been, in shielding him from the attack. But...surely that wasn't what mother had meant.
Be brave...she wanted to be. Oh how she wanted to be. She wanted the comfort, the support, the stability that he offered. But he had also offered his heart...was she brave enough to give him hers?
"Gongzhu!"
She paused at the sound of his voice.
"Fu shaoye." Was that a flicker of disappointment she saw? He hid it well as he greeted JinSuo as well.
"Gongzhu is feeling well?"
"Much improved," she said, "Hu TaiYi prescribed extra rest for HuangAhMa's sake. I feel well."
"Good."
"I am sorry though, to be the cause for a change in the itinerary."
He shook his head, "After what happened...HuangShang has lost interest in traveling."
"HuangAhMa is a good emperor, I cannot understand why someone would…"
"There are enough who view him as an interloper still. And they see those like my father and me as the worst kind of traitors for bowing to a Manchu."
"But he is a just emperor; he walks among the people not just for his pleasure but so he can experience for himself their daily lives."
"Not everyone is as understanding as gongzhu."
She shook her head, "people should be judged on their own merit rather than their bloodline alone."
She saw as his lips curled into a smile.
"I know," she added, "it's ironic for me to make such a statement."
"I wish you could be as generous with yourself as you are with others."
"Fu shaoye, I…"
"Ah, ZiWei! It is good to see you up and about!"
She turned to greet her father.
"HuTaiYi tells me that you will be able to travel again quite soon."
"ZiWei is sorry to have caused a delay…"
The emperor smiled, "No need. We shall be heading back to BeiJing, where the weather is cooler. Zhen has ordered warmer clothing to be prepared for you."
"HuangAhMa surely had no need personally to take responsibility for such a simple task."
"ErKang had reminded us that you will be accompanying us as a true princess. Your dress must also reveal your status."
"Fu shaoye is very considerate."
"It is my duty to serve," ErKang answered easily.
"ErKang, along with his brother, is one of our most trusted chengzi, a pride of the dynasty. The Fu's are also family through LingFei. Should you ever have any needs and find that we are unavailable, ZiWei, feel free to call upon him."
"ZiWei needs very little."
The emperor's expression softened, "We know you are used to more humble surroundings, but you are our MingZhuGongZhu now and we insist upon spoiling you."
"Then ZiWei can only obey."
THe emperor laughed, "good, good. Now then, it has been too long since we have heard you play the guqin. Does your wound continue to constrain your movements?"
She shook her head, "ZiWei would be glad to play for HuangAhMa."
"Gongzhu is as talented as she is brave." JiShiFu offered praise after ZiWei departed to take her next dose of medicine.
"Yes indeed," the emperor's pride in his daughter was obvious.
"Such a jewel...HuangShang must consider most carefully for a suitable bridegroom."
The emperor laughed, "we have only recently found our daughter; we are not yet ready to allow her to leave our side."
"But linking gongzhu to an important family will surely help quel any objections as to the title HuangShang intends to grant."
The emperor looked thoughtful.
"HuangShang's affection for gongzhu is obvious," JiShiFu continued when he saw that he was not to be reprimanded, "but there are those who would shame gongzhu for the humble origins of her maternal family."
"You are right to remind us," the emperor at last acknowledged.
"Cheng selfishly wishes that he had sons of appropriate age."
The emperor laughed at his companion's rueful tone. "You do not, but someone else does…"
"FuLun, ErKang. In reclaiming a daughter, zhen has been reminded that zhen had once promised a princess to your family."
"HuangShang…"
The emperor raised a hand and FuLun fell silent.
"6-Ge-Ge's death was sudden and unexpected. It left us heartbroken such that we forgot all else."
"HuangShang is a dedicated father."
"Yes. And ZiWei...we ought not to have favorites among our children, but…" he paused as he sighed, "ZiWei's birth will raise eyebrows and gossip. She will do her best to appear calm and placid but she is in possession of a sensitive soul. Each unkind word, every harsh glance, will weigh on her, though she will never raise complaint. Zhen cannot, will not, allow her spirit to wilt..."
He turned towards ErKang, "you agree with Zhen, do you not?"
"HuangShang…I…"
"We do not fault you for your attention to her," the emperor said kindly, "and ZiWei certainly seems to trust you."
"What does HuangShang intend?"
"Zhen had always hoped to call you son."
"HuangShang…"
"You will not disappoint us, we trust."
"No," ErKang vowed, "I will do all in my power to ensure that gongzhu is treated with reverence and care."
"HuangShang does us great honor," FuLun added.
"We have broken many promises in our lifetime, but our last promise to YuHe, we intend to keep."
ErKang walked out of the study in a daze.
"ErKang."
"Father?"
"Your ENiang will rejoice."
"She will like ZiWei."
FuLun raised an eyebrow at the way his son referred to the princess but made no outright comment. "Yes."
"And you, AhMa?"
"I have also grown fond of gongzhu. She is as HuangShang described her."
"AhMa...I love her."
"I know."
"Had HuangShang not appointed her to me, I would have asked him to."
"I know."
"AhMa is not disappointed that I would have abandoned caution for such a selfish purpose?"
"Your ENiang and I always knew that your marriage would be outside our control. We had always hoped you would be happy."
"Thank you, AhMa."
FuLun just clapped his son on the shoulder.
"Gongzhu, are you angry with me?"
"I...no."
"Then why have you been avoiding me?"
"There's been so much activity, as we started the return journey...so much to learn from HuangAhMa about the family I am to join."
"Then I should tell you about the Fu family as well."
"Yes…"
He looked at her lowered eyes and felt a new sort of fear. Had he misjudged? "I'm sorry."
"Sorry?"
He tried to look for a hint of her thoughts in her eyes but found that for once, he did not trust himself. "That the choice was taken out of your hands."
"As a filial daughter, it is my duty to obey HuangAhMa. Besides, I had promised my mother."
"But if you truly have no wish to marry me…" he paused to collect himself, "if you truly oppose the idea, then I can still speak to HuangShang...he has spoken with me and AhMa, yes, but he has not yet made an official edict."
"I…"
"You have but to say the word."
She found that she could not look away; she could see the impending devastation, the heartache he was stoically ignoring for her sake.
"I'm scared." She at last admitted.
"Scared?"
She nodded.
"Of...of me?"
She nodded again but then shook her head.
He suddenly felt hopeful, "I love you."
Her eyes widened.
"I know that words are useless, that promises can be broken, and so I can only prove to you through my actions that in this lifetime I will love only you."
"You can't…"
"Yes, I can." He stated with conviction. "ZiWei...let me prove it to you."
"I…"
"I do not ask for you to love me back, just that you let me care for you."
"But I do."
"What?" It was his turn to be taken aback.
ZiWei took a deep breath, "my heart...it is in your keeping."
"ZiWei…"
"I was scared because...because of how happy I felt when HuangAhMa told me of his intent...and I was relieved, because then you did not require my answer. And yet...each time I saw you, I felt how unfair it was to you, not to know. And you...you deserve to know...I just...I just worry that you would wake one day and realize that what you love is but an imagined vision of me. At such a time, you could choose to move on and the world would not think less of you. But me...I would not be able to bear the heartbreak."
"Dear ZiWei...has anyone ever told you that you overthink things?"
"No…" she confessed, "I have never let anyone, except perhaps JinSuo, get close enough to know."
He dared to take a step closer to her and the sense of hope grew as she stood her ground.
He reached out with his hand and cupped her cheek. He could feel her tremble but she still indicated her trust in him as her eyes fluttered closed.
"Dear ZiWei…"
Her arms rose tentatively to wrap around him as he hugged her close.
"ErKang…"
He had never been more glad to hear the sound of his name, muffled though it was.
"Your ErKang," he vowed, "forever and always just your ErKang."
His words would sustain her as she adjusted to life in the palace. She thought of him as she knelt in the courtyard as part of her punishment for offending HuangHouNiangNiang yet again. She would be strong for his sake.
She knew that the empress did not like her. She knew that news that the emperor had brought a young lady back with him from his trip would precede her arrival. She could hear the disbelief in some of the mutterings that she was not another of the emperor's conquests. She had thought that the truth would lessen the empress's animosity. But she had failed to consider the jealousy of a woman scorned.
She came to understand though, the motivations behind HuangHou's animosity. The empress didn't like her because she saw the favors the emperor showered upon his daughter as a sign of his lasting affection for XiaYuHe. Add to it ZiWei's connection to the Fu family and thus LingFei...ZiWei knew that the pointed comments and half spoken insults were but the struggles of a woman deeply unhappy in marriage. It made her treasure ErKang all the more.
And so she withstood the snide words, wrote out the pages upon pages of prayers despite the cramps in her hand, and did her best to be as unobtrusive as possible.
She should have known the empress would take advantage of the fact that HuangAhMa was away for the hunting trip.
Still, she knelt, even as the clouds gathered and the sound of thunder rolled ever closer. She had promised to be a good daughter; she would do her part to keep the peace.
The rain drenched her clothing and she shivered despite herself. Spring was upon them but the wind still carried with it the memories of winter.
Still she knelt until the skies cleared again.
RongMoMo eventually came to dismiss her. ZiWei rose unsteadily to her feet but still thanked the older lady before departing for ShuFangZhai.
"Xiaojie…" a worried JinSuo found herself carrying more and more of her mistress's weight as they distanced themselves from the empress.
"I'm alright," ZiWei murmured, "I just need rest…"
"And a warm bath. I've already sent instructions to MingYue and CaiXia. XiaoJie must warm herself before taking a well deserved rest."
"What would I do without you?"
JinSuo just shook her head, "I am powerless to protect you here. I just wish for Fu da shaoye to take you away from this accursed place soon."
"JinSuo," ZiWei's grip on her companions's arm was surprisingly strong, "you are not to tell him."
"But…"
"Please. He will do something rash and I cannot allow him to offend the empress."
"HuangShang would help support xiaojie and Fu da shaoye."
"I have no wish to put HuangAhMa in a difficult situation...JinSuo, promise me."
"Alright, alright, I won't tell." JinSuo gave her promise.
"Good."
ZiWei fell into an exhausted sleep. She was not aware of JinSuo's alarm at the fever that developed.
"HuTaiYi, what is wrong with my XiaoJie?"
"Gongzhu has yet to fully recover from her wound. It seems that she has also pushed herself too hard. Add to it the chill she has suffered, her body is declaring its displeasure."
"She will be alright, won't she?"
"I can help with the cold easily enough, but only time will tell whether or not the damage to her constitution is permanent."
"What can I do to ensure it isn't?"
"I will provide some supplements. But what Gongzhu really needs is to recover in a quiet and stress free environment."
JinSuo nodded in understanding, "thank you, HuTaiYi."
She returned to ZiWei's side as quickly as she could, "xiaojie...I should not have made that promise…" she wiped at the tears that had formed despite herself and focused instead on exchanging the cool towel on ZiWei's forehead.
"JinSuo? Let me take a turn." MingYue said quietly.
When JinSuo looked like she would protest, CaiXia physically pulled her to her feet, "We all care for Gongzhu. A kinder mistress and a better person there has never been. And Gongzhu would be distressed if you did not care for yourself too."
"But…"
"We will watch over her," MingYue reassured her, "and will come fetch you with any change in gomgzhu's condition."
JinSuo lay in her bed but found that sleep evaded her. She tossed and turned. She hated feeling so helpless. Suddenly, she sat up in bed. She had only promised not to tell Fu da shaoye and HuangShang…
ZiWei became aware of a pressure on her hand. Her fingers twitched in response.
"ZiWei…" ErKang immediately sat up and watched her face carefully.
ZiWei frowned. Wasn't ErKang at the hunt with HuangAhMa?
"ZiWei…"
Why did he sound so worried? And why were her eyelids so heavy?
She did eventually manage to open them. "ErKang, what are you doing here?"
"You're sick."
"I'm merely tired."
His heart broke a little, "how long were you going to keep me in the dark?"
"What do you mean?"
"ZiWei...I'm supposed to care for you and I have failed. I should have realized that HuangHouNiangNiang would take out her frustrations on you."
"JinSuo promised she wouldn't tell…"
He shook his head, "she didn't break her promise. LingFei NiangNiang sent a messenger to us. She also offered her apologies for being the cause of your suffering."
ZiWei shook her head, "Huang Hou Niang Niang is within her rights to mete out discipline."
"Oh ZiWei...we must really work on your sense of self worth and self preservation. If not for yourself, then for me."
"I'm sorry to have curtailed your trip…"
"Not just me. HuangShang returned as well."
"Oh no, such fuss over so small a thing."
"It's not small." He declared, "you are too important to too many people."
"I…"
"HuTaiYi had also sent someone to tell HuangShang. GaoDa also risked reprimand for abandoning his post to come find me."
ZiWei felt deeply touched.
ErKang sighed, "what am I going to do with you?"
"ErKang?"
"You are too self reliant...and yet it makes me want to protect you all the more. I just wish you would let me."
"I…"
"And so, as your future husband, I have made a unilateral decision. As soon as you are well again, I will bring you home, to XueShiFu."
"ErKang…"
"It's no use protesting. HuangShang has already agreed. HuTaiYi had recommended peace and quiet; you will certainly not get that if you remain at ShuFangZhai."
"ErKang…" it was overwhelming, just how much he cared about her.
He wiped away her tears, "please don't cry, else I'll think you don't want to marry me after all."
As he intended, she smiled.
"You are mine," he told her, "the ceremony will be but a matter of formality. ErTai would tell you that I am very possessive and careful with all that is mine. And you...you are my dearest treasure."
She didn't know what her father said to the empress. She just knew that he took HuTaiYi's recommendation to heart and made many exceptions on her behalf. She was no longer required to pay her respects to HuangHouNiangNiang. All summons from the empress also had to pass directly through the emperor. She wondered if it was wise for her father to show such obvious favoritism. And so, despite JinSuo's protestations and ErKang's frowns, she still did as custom dictated and gave the necessary greetings.
"I will not have it said that I flaunt HuangAhMa's favor." She had insisted. "Besides, she is still my elder and manners dictate that I recognize that fact. I have no power over her actions, but I can ensure that mine are above reproach."
ErKang learned then of her stubbornness. He eventually sighed in defeat and comforted himself with HuTaiYi's reports of consistent improvements in her health.
As the weather grew warmer, she also seemed to blossom. She was still his kind, considerate ZiWei, but her eyes sparkled now more often with laughter than tears. His brother also seemed to take a liking to his future sister-in-law.
"She seems to exist outside the constraints of our world," ErTai had said, "and carries with her an air of calmness and peacefulness. It's refreshing."
"She's a good listener," WuAhGe added, "And nonjudgmental. She intuitively seems to understand what words can't express."
"I like her," his mother had told him, "not that I ever doubted you, my son, but she makes me feel comfortable. She is unassuming and grounded. Most importantly, though she is appropriately modest and shy, her affection for you is still obvious to me."
"7-GeGe and 9-GeGe are both enamored of their ZiWei jiejie," LingFei informed him with a smile, "they were quite miffed when I told them you were going to take her away soon."
At last the auspicious day came. He knew there were those who wondered at the speediness of the wedding. Like mother, like daughter, he had overheard the whispers. ErTai had to physically restrain him from attacking the source of the rumors.
"They're just jealous," his brother told him, "they've always been envious of the favor shown to our family. Why should this matter be any different?"
"Because they're maligning her honor."
ErTai shook his head, "it cannot be anything she has not heard in the past."
He stopped struggling. "You think she has also heard?"
"You and I both know that the women of the palace have no need for swords to inflict wounds."
ErKang frowned.
But he found that ZiWei herself was philosophical about the matter. "I'm almost glad."
"Glad?" He looked at her incredulously.
She nodded, "since meeting you...things have seemed too good to be true and I keep being afraid I'd wake and find it all just a dream. These unkind words...they remind me that it's all very much real."
"You would have me ignore these insults."
"Yes. They are not worthy of your attention, nor are they worthy of mine. Life is too short for us to quibble over such unimportant things. Besides, to let them know that their words have affected our happiness is to hand them a victory."
She flushed at the way he was looking at her, "What?"
"ErTai was right, you are too good for this world."
She shook her head, "it is in my nature to wish to please everyone. In part because I always felt it was necessary to apologize for my very existence."
"ZiWei…"
"But I'm learning," she interrupted him, "to find a sense of self worth. HuangAhMa's regard helps. But…" she paused to gather her courage, "but it is in you that I find my true motivation and inspiration."
All his anger and annoyance disappeared. He felt so humbled at her show of trust.
"ZiWei…"
She let him pull her into his arms.
"I really, really like you."
She smiled against his shirt as she shyly admitted, "and I really, really like you as well."
The memory caused his grin to broaden, which he honestly hadn't thought was possible. He snuck another look behind him, to his brother's vast amusement. But he minded not ErTai's teasing, not when she was finally to become his wife.
He could see her amusement chase away her nerves as he continued to grin like a fool after lifting the red cloth from her head. He was glad that her eyes shined with suppressed laughter rather than apprehension as they shared the sacred wine.
He barely waited for the door to close behind the last attendant before drawing her into his arms.
"Finally…"
She allowed a giggle to escape. "What would you have done had HuangAhMa insisted upon waiting another two years?"
"Kidnapped you, propriety be damned."
She laughed out loud at his answer.
He parted from her to stare into her eyes, "it would have been easy; I am head of the imperial guards after all."
"ErKang…" her heart beat wildly at the intensity of his gaze.
"The rumors got one thing right."
"Oh?" She blinked at his seemingly random comment.
"You have bewitched me and I find myself utterly and completely besotted."
With every word, he laid kisses upon her face. His arms kept her in place but though she trembled, she had no intention of moving away.
"ZiWei…"
The kiss on her lips was feather light and he pressed his forehead to hers at its conclusion. "My dear ZiWei…"
She waited a moment before reaching up and removing his hat.
"ZiWei?"
"I would have let you."
"What?"
She reached up for her own hat and pulled the pins from her hair, "The rumors got something else right. I am my mother's daughter. And I…"
She couldn't complete her thought, but he seemed to understand as he pressed his lips to hers again.
"I wouldn't have truly kidnapped you," he told her later as she lay nestled in his arms.
"I know."
He kissed the nape of her neck.
She turned to face him, "I had also been scared because...because I recognized the danger of feeling so much...I understood how mother could have given in...I had thought it was because of who my father was that she couldn't say no but…I felt ashamed that I did understand…"
"I would have never asked it of you."
"You are a good man."
He kissed the tip of her nose, "not to say that I've never thought about it."
He decided that he liked the look of her flushed cheeks.
He kissed one cheek and then the other, "glad I am that my self control was not pitted against a two year wait."
"You would have won," she declared with certainty.
When he just shook his head, she repeated, "You are a good man."
"You think too well of me," he said as he laid a kiss to her lips, "Still, I am not ashamed of wanting you."
The way he kissed her emphasized his words. The way his hands traveled down her body made his intentions obvious. But she could not bring herself to be ashamed of her body's response to him. The feel of his skin against her own was still new, but it was a source of comfort as the sensation imprinted on her mind.
"ZiWei…"
"Yes, husband?"
He drew away from her but a moment to stare into her eyes. There was so much love in the way he looked at her, but there was also so much passion that she felt almost lightheaded.
Be brave, her mother had said. And so she summoned her courage and pressed her lips to his. He was initially caught off guard at her forwardness but recovered quickly. She had no words for the sense of elation she felt, but then, he had always seemed to understand her regardless. And as her arms tightened about him, she felt certain that if this happiness, this sense of fulfillment was her reward, then she would embrace the vulnerability of loving him and trusting in him.