Luck: in which XiaYuHe chose a slightly different path
Her parents thought that it was a matter of luck that she became with child after just one encounter. Or rather, that it was really the opposite of luck. She never told them the truth, that it was definitely more than once.
What would have been the point of breaking their hearts all the more? And how was she to explain the liberties she had allowed him? But that wasn't quite right either. She had enjoyed his admiration, his attentions, his company as much as she had his kisses and touches. How could she explain that instead of shameful and dirty and indecent, she had felt beautiful and wanted and powerful when she laid with him? She was sorry for the disappointment she had caused her parents, but she could not bring herself to be sorry for what she had shared with the man she loved.
Still, she was aware enough of the ramifications of her state. She was also filial enough to wish to spare her parents the shame of a grandchild out of wedlock. And so, after making some discrete inquiries, she left. The scandal of an unfilial daughter who ran off with the first man she met was surely easier to bear than the one of a daughter who would be marked a whore.
Strange, but she didn't think of herself as a fallen woman. The nuns in the mountains also asked no questions. And she let them think that she was an unwilling victim who was now seeking refuge. Such a scenario, she had learned, was more commonplaces than it ought to be. She might have felt guilty for taking advantage of their pity if she didn't know instinctively that they wouldn't understand.
How could she tell them about the dreams that haunted her? The dreams that arose from memories of his lips, his hands, his body worshipping hers. And sometimes, in the halfway state between sleeping and waking, if she kept her eyes closed, she could still hear his murmurs of praise and see his look of profound arousal as she let her hands travel in paths he had taught her. She could never completely reproduce the sensations he wrought in her, but just being on display for him, providing that private show for him had been pleasurable in a way that should have been wrong. He may have robbed her of her innocence, but he had also given her so much in return.
It occurred to her, when she held her daughter in her arms, that maybe she had been wrong to run away. Maybe there was a chance he would have kept his promise and returned for her. But then she thought of the reason for his departure, the reason that he did not take her back to BeiJing with him. He might have loved her, but his heart wasn't hers alone. The death of his empress had overshadowed their brief romance.
The birthing was a difficult one, and her health would never recover. Still, she loved her child fiercely. ZiWei was also such an easy child to raise; her intuitive and sensitive nature quickly made her a favorite among the nuns. YuHe thought it a fair exchange that though her daughter lacked a father, she had plenty of mothers so that it made little difference. And enough of the nuns came from genteel backgrounds themselves that ZiWei's education was as thorough as it could be. She was even able to learn Manchurian when the wife of a magistrate came to the nunnery to escape the pestilence spreading at the foot of the mountains.
It was the closest she had been to him in years. The magistrate had been sent, after all, from the capital to ShanDong to deal with the illness. He was an honorary man, she could tell. She might have appealed to him for ZiWei's sake but for her own pride. She might have loved him, but she had learned that she didn't necessarily need him.
And then she felt the lump in her breast. She made inquiries of the nun who came from a medicinal family. Her heart sank when she realized that she needed to make plans for ZiWei's future. It was the first time she regretted her choice to keep the truth from her daughter.
And then one day she saw a messenger of uncommonly fine dress approach the abbess. The dowager empress was to visit as part of her tour of various nunneries and temples. The magistrate had gained much honor on his return to the capital and his wife's fond memories of her time with the nuns had apparently reached even LaoFoYe's ear. The dowager empress would also be bringing with her a child. And Qing-GeGe just happened to be ZiWei's age.
She watched as the two little girls became friends. But no, neither of the princesses were truly as young as they appeared. Perhaps as the result of her surroundings, ZiWei had always been more mature than her age. Sometimes YuHe wondered if her daughter was an adult trapped in a child's body. And Qing-GeGe...Qing-GeGe's loss forced her out of the comforts of childhood. It gladdened her heart to see the two of them taking turns on the swing, the broad smiles on their faces finally making them appear their age.
The dowager empress noticed as well. Even before YuHe made her plans reality, LaoFoYe approached her with an offer. Qing-GeGe was in need of a companion and LaoFoYe was an indulgent guardian. But of course she had to be certain of ZiWei's background.
YuHe wanted to laugh. Was this luck? She didn't know. Though the dowager empress stated she would take some time to think on the matter, YuHe knew she believed her. Who better than his own mother to know of his tendencies?
It was time for an even more difficult conversation. ZiWei was shocked, but there really hadn't been any easy way to share the truth.
"Are we going to find him?" Her daughter asked.
But YuHe shook her head even as she smiled, "You are."
"Mother?"
YuHe held her daughter's hands gently, "mother is dying."
"Mother?"
Maybe it wasn't fair to burden her child with so many truths in one day. But in the days ahead, even with the dowager empress's protection, ZiWei would have to be strong.
"I understand." ZiWei had murmured.
YuHe wondered if she really did.
She waved, making sure her smile remained present, as the carriage rolled out of sight. She had done what she could, to secure as much protection for her daughter as she could. As one woman to another, one mother to another, she was sure the dowager empress understood.
She had kept true to him even if he did not remain true to her. Still, she felt certain that he would do right by their daughter.
The water was colder than she thought it would be. Distantly, she could hear Qing-er's panicked cry and suddenly remembered that she didn't know how to swim. Still, she needed to rescue the book.
She gasped when she felt strong arms around her waist. It was a mistake as water forced its way into her mouth and down her throat.
"ZiWei...oh my heavens...ZiWei….please talk to me...please be alright."
She tried to talk, but found herself coughing violently instead.
Instead, she reached out and clutched at Qing-er's hand in a sign of reassurance. Her friend burst into tears in response.
"I thought...I thought…."
ZiWei squeezed her hand in understanding. But she hadn't been suicidal.
"My book…" she managed to say.
Qing-er's worry turned into exasperation. "Is not worth your life."
ZiWei would have smiled if she was able; she would much rather Qing-er be angry than saddened.
"This book?"
She looked at her rescuer properly for the first time.
He bowed respectfully, "Fu ErKang at your service, GeGe."
Ah yes, her father's newest guard. She had thought he looked familiar. She nodded at him but her attention was on the sodden volume in his hand. The damage wasn't as thorough as she had feared and she gave a sigh of relief.
Qing-er's tug on her arm reminded her that she was likely causing a scene in the gardens. She stood, still clutching her book, and remembered to thank him.
"This book is important to GeGe?"
She nodded, "my mother…"
"Ah."
"Thank you," she told him one more time before letting Qing-er pull her back to CiNingGong.
LaoFoYe made a fuss and even summoned a taiyi for her despite her protestations.
"I don't understand how you could have fallen in."
"ZiWei apologizes for being careless."
The dowager empress looked at her shrewdly for a moment before sighing and tucking her into the blankets. "Luckily it's summer, else you would have caught a chill for sure. As it is, you are not to stir until I deem you've rested enough."
"Yes, LaoFoYe," ZiWei murmured obediently.
Qing-er stayed with her until she fell asleep. Then she went to find her grandmother.
"LaoFoYe."
"It wasn't an accident, was it?"
Qing-er shook her head.
"What happened?"
Qing-er told her and LaoFoYe's lips thinned in displeasure.
"I've always told HuangShang that 4-AhGe required more discipline."
"ZiWei would ask that LaoFoYe not tell HuangShang."
"And you?"
Qing-er raised her chin stubbornly, "I am not as forgiving, nor as kind."
The dowager empress nodded in approval. "Our ZiWei grew up in a nunnery; her piety and innocence is at once precious and dangerous."
"She has me to protect her."
"She has us," LaoFoYe corrected.
Qing-er nodded.
It had only been a year since their return, but ZiWei had easily gained their affection. Despite her early wariness, LaoFoYe was certain enough of her own ability to read people to know that XiaYuHe's daughter had not a mean bone in her body. She was as pure, as sweet, as the flowers for which she was named. The dowager empress knew she ought to teach her ward about the true state of the world, but she could not bring herself to destroy the innate optimism in the girl. Besides, ZiWei was still young. She could afford to be a child for a few more years yet.
Qing-er agreed with LaoFoYe for the most part, but she also knew that ZiWei was far too observant not to see the realities of their world. ZiWei may have chosen not to embroil herself in palace intrigues but it didn't mean that she was ignorant of the happenings. And so, Qing-er wasn't surprised when ZiWei asked for permission to learn to swim.
"To swim?"
"In light of mother's death, ZiWei does not wish for any fuss to be made about ZiWei's birthday. HuangAhMa and LaoFoYe have insisted upon being indulgent, and so ZiWei dares to ask for this present."
"You're certain that is your wish?"
ZiWei nodded.
"Very well then. Zhen will be sure to find you a good instructor."
"ZiWei thanks HuangAhMa."
"GeGe."
ZiWei blinked, "Fu da shaoye."
"Happy belated birthday," he said.
"Thank you."
"Shall we begin?"
She nodded.
He was a patient teacher and she told him as much. He just smiled and said, "I have had experience."
"Oh?"
"I taught both your brother and mine."
"You must mean WuGe."
"Yes...though I must own that I find GeGe to be a much better pupil."
She just smiled.
ZiWei was used to living among women. But the palace was very different from the nunnery. She wasn't a stranger to petty jealousies and unreasonable disagreements, but the various consorts and concubines took competition to a whole new level. For once, ZiWei was grateful for mother's illness. It really was better that mother could be comforted with memories of her father's sole attention.
Her father...ZiWei still remembered her shock when she first learned who her father was. She had been so nervous to meet him in person. But as he smiled at her so kindly, she understood suddenly why her mother never truly blamed her father. He wasn't just the man her mother had loved, he was the emperor. All the women in his life, of course he couldn't give all of himself to just one person. But he was still honorable, intelligent, learned, gifted...all the things her mother had said he was. Whatever his shortcomings as a husband, he was a good father, particularly to his daughters.
And so, when her sixth sister passed away, she did her best to be a source of comfort.
"ZiWei…" her father smiled at her tiredly, "the hour is late, you should be resting."
She just brought the bowl to her father, "and I will. But I rather thought HuangAhMA might enjoy a late snack."
"Ah, and what have you created this time?" He put down his brush as she made her explanations.
He smiled as he took a bite. "Hmmm, the taiyi's could well learn from you. Zhen prefers your creations far more than zhen does their bitter medicines."
ZiWei shook her head modestly, "the taiyis have dedicated their entire lives to their art. I am only grateful that they are not offended at my hobby."
He gave a contented sigh as she cleared the now empty bowl, "we shall miss you, when you and Qing-er accompany HuangENiang to the temples."
"If HuangAhMa preferred that I stayed…"
"No. HuangENiang really could not do without you or Qing-er. So zhen will have to steel myself and let you go."
"HuangAhMa will surely be too busy to miss us."
He chuckled, "mayhaps."
He was quiet for a moment before saying, "it's been five years since your mother passed, six since you were returned to us…"
ZiWei stilled.
"Yes, it is time for you to go pay your respects."
"ZiWei will tell mother of HuangAhMa's kindness and generosity."
"Zhen does not blame her for her request to remain in JiNan."
"Mother...mother made it a point never to regret her decisions."
"Zhen...zhen was attracted by her gentleness, her intelligence...zhen underestimated her strength."
The emperor sighed as his eyes refocused on his daughter. He smiled as he patted her hand. "Zhen is glad that she allowed you to return to zhen's side."
The snow was no less beautiful for its unexpected nature. It was easy to be moved to poetry.
She turned at the sound of a male voice.
"HuanZhuGeGe, Qing-GeGe, forgive my interruption."
"Fu da shaoye."
"Fu da shaoye is welcome to join us," Qing-er added.
"If the two GeGe's do not mind my company…"
"Of course not. Fu da shaoye has a reputation for being learned. It's nice to have a chance to experience it for ourselves."
"If GeGe is certain…"
ZiWei smiled at him, "Qing-er has long wished to battle her wits against yours."
"ZiWei!"
ZiWei just smiled at her companion, "you've proven your superiority to even WuGe in the past, is it any wonder that you would wish for another challenge?"
"So, has your curiosity been satisfied?" ZiWei asked her companion when they returned indoors.
"Yes," Qing-er answered reluctantly, "I see now the truth in tales of his excellence."
ZiWei just smiled knowingly.
Qing-er made a face as she retorted, "and what about you?"
"Unlike you, I have never had any doubt in HaungAhMa's judgement. Someone he has deemed worthy of being an EFu must have his merits."
"Yes…"
"It's alright for you to like him."
"I do not…"
ZiWei just raised an eyebrow.
"I…" Qing-er flushed but insisted, "I do not."
"LaoFoYe seems to favor him too."
Qing-er shook her head, "no. As talented as he is, we would not suit."
ZiWei blinked in surprise, "no?"
"No," Qing-er said with certainty.
"Why not?"
"Because...because…" Qing-er just shook her head again, "I think I can be trusted to know what would or would not suit me."
"Alright," ZiWei replied easily; it really was no use pressing her friend when she looked so determined.
Qing-er shook her head, "enough. We're both too sensible for this topic. Let us go show LaoFoYe the branches of plum blossoms we gathered."
ZiWei acquiesced.
Qing-er didn't tell ZiWei of her true suspicion; it was but a feeling and she had little enough evidence to support it. Leastwise, not yet. The snow showed no signs of stopping for the next three days and it took another three days to clear the roads. In that time, she observed the mannerisms of FuErKang. She wondered if he was even aware of how often his eyes turned towards ZiWei.
She saw them, the night before he was to depart, sitting side by side beneath the full moon. She was going to call out ZiWei's name but then closed her mouth. Something about the tableau just looked too right for her to disrupt them.
Dawn was just breaking when she heard the doors to their room open.
"ZiWei?"
"Go back to sleep," ZiWei whispered.
"Hmmm…" Qing-er was too sleepy to disagree.
She stared at her friend critically as they readied themselves.
"What is it? Have I a smudge somewhere?"
Qing-er shook her head, "no…"
"Then why do you look at me in such a way?"
Qing-er tilted her head before picking up an ornament from her friend's box, "I think you should wear this one today."
ZiWei shook her head, "that one was a present from HaungAhMa for my sixteenth birthday this year. You know I wear it only for special occasions. I'm not even sure why I packed it."
"I think today is a special occasion."
ZiWei shook her head as she stood, "don't be silly, Qing-er. Come, LaoFoYe is waiting for us."
The dowager empress decided it was too cold for herself, but she did send the two princesses to oversee FuErKang's departure.
Qing-er looked for some sign that something had changed, but it was in vain. She frowned to herself; she had been so certain…
And then he looked back, just before reaching the bend in the road, and Qing-er could have whooped in glee. She knew it!
"Qing-er, What has you in such a good mood?" ZiWei was bewildered as Qing-er grabbed her arm and fairly skipped back through the entrance to the temples.
"Nothing, it's simply a beautiful day."
"Why, yes. It is good to see the sun again." ZiWei admitted.
"Hmm, indeed." Qing-er tugged on her friend's hand.
"Qing-er!" ZiWei tried to catch her breath as her friend led her in a spontaneous dance, "What has gotten into you?"
"Come on, ZiWei, it has been so long since we danced."
ZiWei laughed but felt herself falling into form.
The sound of clapping alerted both of them to the fact that they had an audience.
"Ah, and what is the cause for this spontaneous performance?"
"LaoFoYe! LaoFoYe had no need to brave the chill."
The dowager empress smiled indulgently as her two charges came to her side, "You two took so long to return, I was worried one of you might have slipped and fallen."
While ZiWei made apologies, Qing-er twirled one more time, "fall? Us? LaoFoYe surely knows that we are much too nimble on our feet."
The dowager empress laughed even as she said, "oh you…"
"If LaoFoYe wishes, Qing-er and I can play a duet."
"You just wish for us to return indoors."
"LaoFoYe must be careful of her health," ZiWei insisted.
The dowager empress laughed again, "alright, alright!"
That night, as they readied for sleep, ZiWei confronted her friend. "Now will you tell you what has gotten into you?"
"I don't know what you mean," Qing-er said loftily as she continued brushing her hair.
"No?" ZiWei smiled before plucking the comb from Qing-Er's hand and attacking her with tickles.
"Stop! Stop!" A breathless Qing-er at last admitted defeat. "But not here. Remember when we used to hide under the covers as children and whisper secrets to one another?"
"It's been years, and we're no longer children."
"Please?"
ZiWei shook her head at Qing-er's pout but stood up, "your bed or mine?"
"Yours," Qing-er said decisively.
"Alright...race you!"
"Hey!"
With giggles, the two young ladies settled themselves.
"Well?"
"You are right, ZiWei, we are no longer children. Sooner or later, marriages will be arranged for each of us."
"Was the plan not to find brothers so that we would never need to separate?"
"Well, yes, but I really don't think of ErTai in that way." Qing-er kept her tone light to match that of her companion.
"ErTai? What can you mean?"
"Didn't you notice?"
"Notice what?"
"The way ErKang looked at you!"
"The way he looked at me?"
Qing-er nodded.
"Qing-er…"
"ZiWei."
"We're just friends."
"Really? Friends who stayed up all night out in the moon and snow?"
"We...we just talked."
"And lost track of time?"
"Well, yes."
"What in the world could you have talked about?"
"He is very learned, you saw it for yourself."
"You can't have spent all night just quoting poetry to each other."
"Well, no…" ZiWei admitted, "we also talked about the changes in our lives since the time he taught me to swim."
"He's a very thoughtful individual!" She protested at Qing-Er's look.
"Uh huh."
"Qing-er…"
"He admires you, I'm certain of it."
"Qing-er please…"
"And well he should. There'd be something seriously wrong with him if he didn't recognize your beauty or your kindness or your intelligence."
"Qing-er," ZiWei protested again.
But Qing-er remained undaunted, "but do you like him?"
"I…" ZiWei paused before saying, "but I thought you…"
"Oh no." Qing-er was quick to shake her head, "I already told you. Certainly I can admit he's very talented but for me...for me he's like one of the AhGe's, at most a big brother."
"I…I don't know," ZiWei at last admitted.
"Good."
"Good?"
Qing-er nodded. "You wouldn't be ZiWei if you didn't need to think on the matter. I had been worried that he would sweep you off your feet and make you lose all reason."
"Qing-er!"
Qing-Er smiled, "Besides, I'm curious as to what someone like him would do to pursue you...once he realizes he cares for you of course."
"Once he realizes…"
"He may be smart, but he is still just a man; and they tend to be slower when it comes to these things."
ZiWei laughed, "you speak as though you have experience in such matters."
"Well, no, not directly," Qing-er admitted, "but I've seen what idiots the princes can become when it comes to young ladies they actually like. And HuangShang himself is not so adept at managing his wives."
"Oh Qing-er."
Qing-er bumped their shoulders together, "neither HuangShang nor LaoFoYe will wish to part from you just yet, so I shall have time to learn to tolerate ErKang."
ZiWei made an exasperated sound.
"Alright, no more teasing. I promise."
ZiWei still looked suspicious, particularly at Qing-er's look of forced innocence.
"Since you're so determined to speak on such a matter," ZiWei asked briskly, "what sort of man do you think would suit you?"
"Tall," Qing-er said immediately, "handsome, clever, courageous..."
"Ah, your ideals have not changed."
"Hmmm...honest, transparent, humorous…"
"Transparent?"
Qing-er nodded, "It can be exhausting, always having to look for secondary meanings in spoken words."
"Yes…"
"Even though I'm good at it."
ZiWei smiled in recognition of that fact.
Qing-er's expression fell slightly, "sometimes I wish I wasn't so good at it."
It was ZiWei's turn to bump their shoulders together. "Do not apologize for your cleverness."
When Qing-er failed to smile, ZiWei added, "LaoFoYe did always say that while men are easily attracted by dim witted fools, it is the clever ones who end up holding their attentions in the end."
"And if I have no wish to compete with others, fools or otherwise?"
"Ah."
Qing-er shook her head, "it's illogical."
"But not impossible."
Qing-er did smile then, "you always were an optimist."
ZiWei smiled back serenely as she changed the topic, "I think you would have made a capable queen of 女儿国."
Qing-er tilted her head, "LaoFoYe is essentially sovereign of her own version of 女儿国. No wonder her disappointment in HuangHouNiangNiang."
The two young ladies shared a look.
"Do you think LaoFoYe regrets her choice?"
Qing-er shrugged, "LaoFoYe does not like to admit when she's wrong."
"And you think she was wrong?"
Qing-er shrugged again, "even the most clever woman can have her wits dulled by jealousy. Hence I never wish to be in a similar position."
"Ah." ZiWei smiled as her heart finally settled.
"And you?"
"Hmmm?"
"Could you be satisfied with just a piece of your husband's heart?"
"I don't know."
"No?"
"Mother...mother never said it, but she had learned that it was dangerous to have one's happiness be so reliant on someone else."
"Like YuFeiNiangNiang with WuAhGe?"
ZiWei nodded, "WuGe played pranks as an outlet for the expectations and pressures placed on him."
"I keep thinking WuAhGe will surprise us all with some act of rebellion."
"WuGe is much too filial."
"Hmm." Qing-er made a noncommittal sound.
ZiWei returned to their original topic of discussion. "With LaoFoYe's favor, any man would be a fool to treat you poorly."
"I do not wish for my husband to be motivated by fear."
"Do you think we will be given a choice?"
"Hmmm?"
"Is it not more likely that such things will simply be arranged for us?" ZiWei asked.
Qing-er sighed, "right."
"But...but if you truly wish to have a say, LaoFoYe will listen."
Qing-er sighed, "it likely won't matter."
"No?"
Qing-er shook her head, "I doubt I shall have a strong opinion, when the time comes."
"Why not?"
"He will be a stranger, any encounters will be carefully monitored. Under such contrived settings, I will not be able to know his true self."
ZiWei disagreed. "You are too insightful not to know if someone is only pretending."
"And what of it? If LaoFoYe or HuangShang truly makes an edict, neither you nor I would actually disobey."
ZiWei did not have to make a reply for Qing-er to know that ZiWei knew that truth as well.
"But as you said," ZiWei at last responded, "LaoFoYe is not yet ready for either of us to leave her side. Our speculations are premature."
"For me, yes. But for you…"
"I thought you said no more teasing?"
Qing-er apologized, but ZiWei could tell she didn't truly mean it.
"I almost wish you would meet someone who suited your stipulations."
"Almost?"
"Matters of the heart can be messy and complicated. Wounds that lack physical existence are harder to heal."
"How wise you sound."
ZiWei shook her head, "Mother...mother always took ownership of her decisions...she was too smart not to be practical...but there was always a small part of her that hurt."
"ErKang is not HuangShang."
"And I am not the sheltered daughter of a provincial scholar," ZiWei reminded her.
"Neither was my mother."
"Qing-er…"
"And yet she still shared such a connection with my AhMa that she did not wish to live without him...it's counterintuitive that I should want such dedication for myself."
"Qing-er..."
"Your mother was right to choose to be reliant on herself; she could not afford another choice. But my parents' dependency on each other is no less beautiful or moving."
"To feel so strongly is to be vulnerable."
"Yes."
"We have made it a habit not to show weakness."
"Yes."
"But…" Qing-er added after a moment, "maybe for the right person…"
"How will you know?"
"Indeed, how will I know?"
ZiWei was thoughtful, "maybe...maybe you just will."
"Maybe."
Qing-er saw LaoFoYe frown as she read the letter.
"Bad news?" She asked as she brought over a cup of tea.
"Hmmm...just HuangHou."
"Ah."
LaoFoYe set aside the missive. "I think we will prolong our sojourn here."
"For how long?"
"A year should be enough."
"LaoFoYe wishes to give HuangHou a chance to become mistress of the Inner Palace, independently."
LaoFoYe nodded. "You have always understood me."
Qing-er tilted her head, "we shall need more supplies."
"Nothing that cannot wait until the spring."
Qing-er nodded.
The dowager empress took a sip of tea, "I have also received reports of a rather interesting nature."
"Oh?"
"I heard that a certain imperial guard had spent an entire night conversing with ZiWei."
"Ah."
LaoFoYe looked at her companion over the brim of teacup, "is there truth to these rumors?"
"Yes." Qing-er knew better than to lie.
"I see. I shall have to speak to FuLun and his wife."
"Not yet."
"Oh?"
"It would be premature."
"It'd be a good match."
Qing-er did not disagree. Still… "I am curious to see if the attraction is mutual."
"He would be a fool to reject her."
"LaoFoYe misunderstood me."
"You mean our ZiWei is hesitant."
Qing-er nodded.
"It is not altogether unexpected, I suppose."
"There is time." Qing-er stated.
"Indeed."
So busy was she with directing the servants who were packing the wagons, ZiWei did not notice the look that passed between LaoFoYe and Qing-er.
"Does GeGe require any assistance?"
She shook her head absentmindedly as she observed the packing of her guqin.
"Is GeGe glad to be returning?"
"I have missed HuangAhMa," she admitted.
"And he has missed GeGe."
She spared a distracted smile at him before walking away to direct the maids bearing trunks of clothing from within the temples.
ErKang watched her go. How was it possible for her to have grown more lovely in the past year? Or was it simply because he hadn't seen her in a year? Did she think about that night as often as he did?
"You are no longer the solemn child who was so focused on the task before her," he had told her.
"And you are no longer a new guard still finding his way," she had countered, "HuangAhMa's trust in you is immense."
"Does GeGe also trust me as you once did?"
"Hmmm?"
"GeGe had trusted me not to let you drown."
"Your sense of duty would have never allowed you."
"GeGe sounds certain."
"I might have been but a child of ten, but even I knew of your reputation."
"My reputation?"
"One of honor and diligence and reliability."
"Ah."
She had smiled at him, "but you already knew that."
"I wonder if GeGe is likewise aware of your reputation."
"Oh?"
"One of humble intelligence, unlimited kindness, and gentle sweetness."
"People speculate too much."
"GeGe does not agree with such an assessment?"
"No one is immune to faults."
"And what are yours?" The question slipped out before he caught himself.
But she had not taken offense. "I am prone to brooding and over analyzing things that ought to be simple. I keep too much of my true thoughts and feelings bottled up. And I am not without my own stubbornness."
"Thank you."
"What for?"
"Your honesty to an impolite question."
She just smiled again, "You must tell me of your faults in exchange."
"Certainly."
The tolling of the bell returned him to the present and he turned to check with the stablehands to ensure the security of the harnesses and the health of the horses.
"It seems one of them has not forgotten," LaoFoYe said to her companion.
"Indeed," Qing-er tried hard to hide her grin but could not fully manage it.
"You need not be so gleeful. I have yet to see our ZiWei indicate any preference."
"Good thing we have a few weeks journey back to BeiJing isn't it?"
"Hmmm."
"Your planning has been very thorough," the dowager empress told ErKang, "this whole trip our energies have not been unduly taxed. You have also found quiet and yet elegant surroundings for our places of rest."
"LaoFoYe exaggerates, I am only performing my duty. HuangShang had given specific instructions to ensure LaoFoYe and the two GeGes' well-being."
"And once we return to the capital?"
"LaoFoYe?"
"Will you continue to consider for our wellbeing?"
"As head of the Imperial Guards, I consider it my responsibility to ensure the safety of all within the Palace."
"You are too intelligent not to understand my question."
"LaoFoYe?"
"You will have me speak plainly I see. Very well. What are your intentions towards my ZiWei?"
ErKang blinked before kneeling immediately, "I humbly ask for LaoFoYe's judgement for my offense."
"And what offense is that?"
"I…" for once, ErKang did not have a good answer to give.
"I ask you again, what are your intentions towards my ZiWei?"
"HuanZhuGeGe's virtues and talents are admirable."
LaoFoYe waved aside his praise, "I know well her accomplishments."
"She has my admiration," he confessed.
"I dare say she has more than your admiration."
ErKang looked up in surprise at such frankness.
"My ZiWei...do not let her outward appearance misguide you. She is also in possession of opinions and a will of her own."
"I know."
"You know?"
"She had told me herself."
"Ah, you refer to that night of moon and snow."
"LaoFoYe knows."
The dowager empress made a sound too dignified to be a snort. "There is precious little that I do not know, particularly as pertaining to ZiWei or Qing-er."
"Although, I confess I do not know if that night means as much to her as it obviously does to you," she added.
"I'd like an opportunity to find out."
"You always were a determined young man."
ErKang kowtowed, "I ask for LaoFoYe's permission."
The dowager empress paused as though in thought before saying, "very well. But I trust you will respect ZiWei's choice even if it does not suit you."
"Of course."
After he left, Qing-er made her way to LaoFoYe's side.
"I always thought well of him," the dowager empress shared.
"He did show much courage." Qing-er agreed.
"He will need more than courage to win ZiWei."
Qing-er smiled, "she is not truly so meek as she appears."
"It is better he finds out sooner rather than later."
ErKang's elation quickly turned to chagrin when he realized he had no idea how to approach her.
"What troubles you?"
He looked up to see her with a basket on one arm. "Does GeGe require assistance?
She shook her head and repeated her question.
"It's nothing."
"Ah. So the pacing must be part of your routine to keep fit for your duties?"
He didn't know how to respond to her teasing.
"You're certain nothing troubles you?" She asked, her tone kinder.
"I…"
"I may not be able to help, but I've been told I'm a good listener."
"GeGe is being very kind."
"Kind?" She tilted her head, "we are friends, are we not?"
"Friends?" He felt a little dazed.
"Or have I been presumptuous?"
He could feel his lips curl into a smile as he nodded determinedly and likely a little eagerly, "friends."
She smiled, "oh good. Will you tell me your woes?"
"GeGe looked to be on an errand."
She shook her head, "Just the embroidery threads LaoFoYe had requested."
"Surely a maid could have fetched them."
"Yes, but she had wanted the ones made with actual gold."
"Oh."
"She won't tell me what she's sewing though. Just that it was a gift for me." ZiWei sighed, "and Qing-er is in on the secret too, I can tell."
"The three of you are truly fond of each other."
ZiWei returned his smile, "allow me to deliver the thread, and then I can come and listen to your worries."
"I shall wait for GeGe then."
He waited in the nearby pagoda and tried not to be nervous. Still, he found himself pacing again.
"It must be a matter of great import for you to be so restless. So tell me, is it a matter of national security or HuangAhMa's safety?"
"Neither."
"Neither? Hmmm, then is it some delicate political situation that you've been assigned to address?"
"No."
"Then…"
"It's something much more personal."
"Ah. I am sorry to have insisted…"
"No," he interrupted louder than he had meant, mostly because she had stood up and seemed ready to depart. "No" he repeat after clearing his throat. "I just…"
He didn't realize he had resumed pacing until she laid her hand briefly on his arm, "What troubles you?"
How much he wanted to grab ahold of her hand!
"I...EMing is to become an AhMa," he at last blurted.
She blinked before saying, "Your second in command?"
He nodded.
"Why, that is a cause for celebration!"
"Yes but...but it reminds that I am past the age that most young gentleman settle and start a family."
"Can you not?"
He shook his head, "ErTai and I, we've always known that our marriages are out of our hands."
"Surely FuDaRen and FuJin…"
He shook his head again, "AhMa and ENiang have little authority either."
"Then…"
"HuangShang's favor comes with a price."
"But he would understand, if you spoke to him," she said after a moment of thought.
"I fear whom he might wish to appoint to me."
"Oh?"
"Or rather, I fear whom he might not wish to appoint to me."
"Then you already have someone in mind?"
He nodded.
"She must be quite special for you to take notice."
"She is."
She smiled at his earnestness. "I would wish to meet her. Perhaps then I may help put in a good word to HuangAhMa."
"You would do that?" He didn't know whether he should be disappointed.
"Certainly. It's rare enough to find someone for whom you care, rarer still for that person to care for you in return."
"But I do not know if she does," he shared.
"Ah. I suppose it makes little sense to find out if you cannot act on a positive answer."
She paused before asking, "who is she?"
He looked away, the irony of her question was almost too much.
"远在天边，近在眼前." He muttered to himself.
"Hmmm?"
He looked back at her, "I…"
"I must know her then."
"Why do you say that?"
"Your embarrassment is palpable."
"Is it?" All he saw was compassion in her gaze.
"You usually have such an air of certainty about you, it's endearing to see you be so bashful."
"She is lucky." She added after a moment.
"You think so?"
"You must care for her deeply, for you to be so troubled."
"I do." It was easy to make the confession.
"If I could be of help...I'm not sure how, but if I can in some way, you will let me know?"
"Thank you."
"GeGe…"
"Yes?"
He wondered if she could see his nerves, but her eyes remained on the moon overhead.
"We will arrive back tomorrow."
"Yes, you had said."
"I must admit that I am sorry the journey is almost at its conclusion."
"I had not realized you were fond of travel."
"I...it must be the company."
She did look at him then, "you're not afraid your lady will be jealous at such a remark?"
"If she is...then I would rejoice."
"Oh?"
He nodded, "because it indicates that I mean something to her."
"An insightful observation. But it would be unkind if you purposefully used such measures to gauge her feelings."
"I shall remember your advice."
"Honesty." She said after a moment of silence.
"What?"
She had turned back to the moon. "She will appreciate romance, but she will value honesty most of all."
"Honesty…" he took a moment to gather his courage, "then I wish to be honest."
"Have you not been?"
"I regret to say that I have not."
"Oh?"
It took so much of his self discipline to hold her gaze.
"I…"
She waited.
"What are the chances that HuangShang would appoint another GeGe to me?"
"Rather high, I daresay. HuangAhMa has never made secret his hopes for you and ErTai to become EFu."
"What are the chances that LaoFoYe would agree?"
"Depends on which one of my sisters or cousins you have chosen. She likes some better than others, you see."
But he did not smile at her attempt at levity, "and if it's someone most dear to her?"
"Then I fear you are doomed for disappointment."
"Am I?" His heart sank.
She nodded, "Qing-er has told me that she thinks on you at most as an older brother."
"There is more than one GeGe dear to LaoFoYe."
She was quiet but he knew there was no turning back.
"The moon is still above us, though we have not the snow this time."
His heart had never beat so fast.
And then, she smiled, "took you long enough."
"Beg pardon?"
"Qing-er has known all along."
"And you keep few secrets from each other."
She nodded.
"Oh."
She had turned back to the sky.
"And?"
"And?" She repeated.
"What is your answer?"
"What is the question?"
"Do you...could you…" he paused, "did that night mean as much to you as it did to me?"
"No."
"Oh."
"To answer your other questions...I don't, but I could."
He looked up to see her smiling at him again. He scarcely dared to breathe.
"Could you be betrothed to someone who does not share your feelings?"
"Not yet you mean."
"You are awfully confident."
"You did say I was certain about most things."
"So I did."
He did returned her smile then.
"The reason for the gold thread is obvious to me now."
She followed his gaze to the red cloth that had been covering her head, "you remembered."
"It's comforting to know that though she did not say, LaoFoYe had approved of me even then."
"As though you didn't know you were a favorite."
"But it mattered more to me what you thought."
"And now?"
"Your opinions still matter to me."
She smiled and there was a softness in her eyes that had not been there a year ago.
"I will always wonder how I got to be so lucky." He told her as he reached to hold her hands.
"One could not guess at the depth of your emotions purely by looking."
"Even I did not think I could feel so much," he shared, "and it concerned me that the force of my feelings should sway your decisions."
"I am not so easily influenced."
He nodded, "I've learned."
"Are you just going to stare at me all night?" She asked after a period of silence.
He smiled at the teasing in her voice. In lieu of replying with words, he leaned closer to her and saw as her eyes fluttered closed.
Her lips were soft and yielding beneath his. He released her hands to draw her closer.
He parted from her but a moment.
"I take it as a no."
"Most definitely a no." His voice sounded odd to his own ears. But though her eyes widened, she made no signs that she wished for him to release her.
They went to YouYouGu, and he felt as though he was discovering the place for the first time as she expressed such open delight at her surroundings. He wondered if his grin would remain a permanent fixture.
"ZiWei, what are you doing?" It still felt strangely intimate to call her by name, but he thought it was a luxury to which he could become used.
"Going for a swim," was her decisive answer.
"Now?"
She did not pause in shedding the outer layers of her clothing or removing ornaments from her hair, "You did say this location was private, did you not?"
"But…"
Before he could offer a reason, however, she had already waded into the water.
He watched as she dove into the water and then emerge before turning to wave at him. Who was he to deny her invitation?
She laughed when he finally made it to her side, "it's lovely, is it not? Perfect for an escape from the day's heat."
"Be careful."
"Do you have so little confidence in your teachings?"
"Only that I do not think you would have had much opportunity to practice."
"Ah, you're wrong. I was always careful, of course, but I greatly enjoy the peacefulness of the water. It's a way of escape."
"Escape?"
"Living in the palace can be...oppressive."
"That's what YouYouGu is, a place of escape."
"You never swam here?"
"I admit the idea never occurred to me."
"I am glad that I am helping you discover yet another delight then."
He couldn't resist pulling her closer by the waist, "you have helped me discover more delights than you will ever know."
She was breathless when the kiss ended. "The idea was to cool off in the waters."
"Was it? Or did you wish to tempt me with your state of undress?" He nuzzled her nose with his own.
"You are too easily tempted."
"I make no denials."
"But then…" her hands wandered, causing him to suck in a breath, "So am I…"
"ZiWei…" he managed to choke out her name.
"Yes?"
"Was not the point to cool off?"
"If you'd rather that I stopped…" she loosened her grip.
"No." He knew he had answered too quickly when she grinned.
"No?" She had completely stopped the movements of her hands. The way his pupils dilated at her challenge made her giddy.
"No," he said more firmly as he lifted her in the water before crashing his lips to hers.
The giddy feeling grew as she instinctively wrapped her legs around him. Buoyed by the water, she was almost weightless. But the way he felt against her kept her from floating away. She clung to him as she surrendered.
"ZiWei, I have need of you." His words were accompanied by fumbling as he attempted to navigate her wet attire while keeping her lips prisoner at the same time. He made a frustrated sound in the back of his throat before she felt a sudden loosening as the torn fabric floated from her body.
"ErKang…" her words were lost in a moan as he made good on his words.
There was no solid bed on which to lay, just the solid nature of him keeping her anchored.
As her mind cleared of the haze of pleasure, she could hear again the rush of the nearby waterfall and the calling of distant birds.
"Delightful indeed," he told her.
She parted from him and swam towards the cloth floating a distance away. Gathering it in hand, she turned to find that he had caught up.
"I'm sorry."
"Are you really?"
He shook his head, "no, I'm not."
"I did provoke you," she admitted, "though it had not been my initial intent. I did actually want to swim."
"Then swim we shall."
She pecked him on the lips before doing just that.
Later, they sat on the largest boulder, her head on his shoulder, allowing the sun to dry their sodden clothing. She had put on an underskirt much to his disappointment.
"You surprise me."
"Hmmm?"
"With your lack of shyness."
"I trust you." She said simply.
"More than I trust myself."
"Hmm?"
"There were times during our courtship that I was sorely tempted to anticipate our wedding day."
"Oh?"
"Surely you noticed."
She raised her head to look at him, "Yes."
"But you never seemed offended."
"Should I have been?"
He blinked.
"LaoFoYe would be appalled," ZiWei admitted, "at my lack of modesty."
"Why weren't you?"
She slipped her hand into his, "do you remember the reason for our first meeting?"
"You had jumped into the water."
"Yes. But for a good reason."
He frowned in concentration before saying, "there had been a book."
She nodded. "The nuns had sent along my mother's belongings. The book contained poetry and songs she had written."
"Ah. No wonder."
She nodded again, "but she also left me another treasure...a box of letters to open on each birthday. I also discovered ones for special occasions, including ones for when I fell in love and when I married."
"She was so certain you would find love?"
"She expressed hopes that I would."
"What advice did she have to offer?"
"Mother was more forthright than she maybe should have been; there are things a daughter does not need to know about her father."
ErKang thought the blush in her cheeks was quite becoming.
ZiWei reached to hold his hand, "Though the world would have judged her, condemned her...mother never regretted. HuangAhMa might have seduced her in the beginning, but she...she never excused her own culpability. Qing-er and I...we have been groomed to be the perfect princesses...learned, modest, talented...but I cannot deny that I am my mother's daughter and there is a humanity to me that I have been taught is wrong."
He pressed a kiss to their intertwined fingers.
"And you…" she turned to him with such an earnest expression, "mother described the feelings of inevitability she had felt, the natural course of her actions. With you, I understand her words. When I decided that I could love you, I also knew I had to accept all that came with such an emotion. So, though everything is still new to me, I too refuse to apologize for my instincts and weakness."
"It's not a weakness."
"No?"
He pulled so that she fell into his lap, his arms cradling her, "No. I too have been taught to behave in certain ways, trained in certain codes of conduct. I feared that as lovely and wholesome as you are, you would be disgusted by my baser instincts. Instead, I have been overjoyed to discover that we are as well matched in public as we are in private. I am the luckiest man in the world for having the privilege of being your husband."
She could feel his arms lifting her and surrendered to the feel of his lips slanting over hers.
And as she stared into his eyes, she saw no judgement or disgust but only love. She smiled as she reached up, wrapped her arms around his neck, and pulled so that his lips met hers again.
Was it indeed luck? She didn't know. She did know though, that she chose rightly in becoming his wife.