Patience: companion piece to Innocence
Qing-er knew about waiting. Did she not provide company for her mother through those long days and nights during which her father was away on yet another battlefield? Her father, Guo JunWang, was a capable general. More than capable, really, otherwise why would HuangShang trust him to defend the borders of their kingdom?
She should be proud to be his daughter; was proud to be his daughter. But it did not erase the fact that her mother always looked so sad when he had to depart for the frontier again.
When she was first brought to LaoFoYe, after the loss of her parents, she overheard whispered suggestions that the emperor had not been as kind as she had assumed. Her father's many military accomplishments, the posthumous elevation of his title to that of a QinWang, were not signs of HuangShang's favor but rather of HuangShang's displeasure. Her father had fought not for the country so much as for his life. Because...because while her father was the son of Guo QinWang, his mother had not been Yue FuJin but rather the dowager empress herself. Why else would LaoFoYe act so quickly to claim the orphaned little princess? It was a scandalous suggestion that her youthful mind did not understand and so ignored. But she did not forget.
Just as she did not forget the swaying form of her mother. The servants took her away as soon as she saw it, but even that glimpse was enough. But what the servants and even LaoFoYe failed to understand was that Qing-er was never frightened. Startled, surprised, shocked, yes, but never fearful. Faced with her parents' caskets, she was...relieved. Her mother was finally able to stop waiting. She knew though, that it was not a thought she should ever voice.
She liked ZiWei, found her to be a kindred spirit, because ZiWei also understood waiting. Did not Xia GuiRen wait six years for HuangShang? And though she was now a GuiRen and her daughter a GeGe, her waiting was not at an end.
Holding ZiWei's hand to lend her strength as Xia Gui Ren was laid to rest, Qing-er thought it ironic really. Now HuangShang was the one who was left behind.
She realized, years later, when she saw the way Fu ErKang looked at her friend at that year's mid autumn festival celebration, that it wasn't just women who waited. In their childhood, ZiWei and she had both called him ErKang ge ge. Had he been born of an imperial concubine, he would have been as favored as Wu Ah Ge. As it was, HuangShang had always seemed determined to claim him as a son anyways. She saw as ErKang turned away briefly before his eyes were again drawn back to ZiWei. He would have to wait, she knew, until both HuangShang and LaoFoYe deemed ZiWei to be old enough.
When she overheard ZiWei play a particular song, she understood that ErKang's regard was returned. It was the first time he was chosen to accompany the emperor on one of his trips south and her friend felt his absence keenly.
ZiWei looked up at her entrance, quickly pulling her fingers from her guqin, her face flushed and her eyes weary.
Qing-er just fetched her own pipa and restarted the tune. ZiWei hesitated before resuming her own playing.
Qing-er raised an eyebrow at her friend as the notes faded into silence. ZiWei still looked embarrassed but after a pause, she nodded. Qing-er smiled broadly. Ah, she would miss her friend, but it was so wonderful that she had found her heart's home.
When they finally married, Qing-er wished them joy with her whole heart.
"They look happy, don't they?"
Qing-er turned towards the dowager empress as the newly wedded couple made their departure after providing the ceremonial greetings, "LaoFoYe?"
"This palace is like a golden net...but...love always finds a way, doesn't it?"
Faced with LaoFoYe's wistful expression, Qing-er recalled then the rumors from her youth. She blinked and LaoFoYe seemed again her usual self.
"And when will I be giving you away, my Qing-er?"
Qing-er blushed as was expected and protested modestly.
LaoFoYe chuckled and patted her hand, but Qing-er still heard and felt the tinge of sadness and regret.
LaoFoYe was delighted to have both her girls back at her side. Qing-er, too, was happy to spend more time with the sister of her heart as they traveled south with the emperor. ZiWei's marriage had not altered their affection for or understanding of one another, and it really felt like old times again.
But of course one couldn't turn back the clock. Qing-er did not begrudge ZiWei her obvious happiness, but sometimes, when she saw ZiWei and ErKang together, she couldn't help but feel a sense of yearning.
So she thought she understood a little of HuangHouNiangNiang's motivations. It wasn't just about 12-Ah-Ge and the ever coveted spot to become taizi...it was also about the desperation of a woman who spent too long waiting. Though HuangHou held the title of empress, HuangShang never truly treated her with the same warmth that he had her predecessor or XiaGuiRen or LingFeiNiangNiang or countless other women with whom she had to share her husband.
Maybe it was that realization that made Qing-er less guarded and...vulnerable. Though FangCi herself seemed to be a catalyst for the relaxation of the entire party. Qing-er wondered if XiaoCi was even aware of the effect she had. Looking into her new friend's bright eyes as she told another joke, Qing-er thought probably not. XiaoCi's brightness rivaled that of the reflected sunshine on the water; her innocence easily cut through all the proper manners that usually restricted the party from the palace.
And her brother...Qing-er did not believe in love at first sight, but she could not deny that she had been curious to meet him. Conversations about the Fang family seemed to help distract HuangShang and LaoFoYe in the aftermath of all that had happened, and so she had been sure to make inquiries. FangYan had only been ten, his sister four, when last HuangShang had seen them. The picture the emperor laughingly painted was one of a mischievous little girl and an exasperated boy who chased after her and tried to keep her in check.
"FangYan takes after his father though," the emperor noted, "and was a knowledgeable and studious child. He also had the markings of a great swordsman which is a Fang tradition. It really is too bad that FangZhiHang has stayed hidden away; I imagine FangYan would give even ErKang competition."
"Oh?" LaoFoYe seemed dubious and intrigued at once.
The emperor laughed, "It is but speculation on my part, though I am confident in my assessment of the young man. But, if HuangENiang would like to see for herself, I'm sure it can be arranged for the two to compare their skills."
The desired demonstration was provided and the emperor was delighted that his estimation of FangYan had not been wrong.
"Will HuangShang try to tempt him away from their little hamlet?" the empress dowager asked her son.
The emperor laughed again, "hmm...I wonder if the son shall prove less stubborn than the father?"
Qing-er noticed that both FangDaRen and FangFuRen were both looking at their son with pride while XiaoCi was beaming with glee, all unaware of the emperor's plans. Yes, they had all rights to be proud of him. She just hoped that FangYan also shared his father's inherent sense of justice and humble nature; it would be a shame to see him fall prey to the temptations of power or riches.
As she observed the Fang family more, she felt foolish for her unnecessary hope. There was a certainty in the way they carried themselves...it took her the better part of the first week to figure out the cause. Security; they were secure in their values, secure in their lifestyle, secure in the unconditional love they had for their family. It took almost another week for her to admit that she envied them.
"Qing-GeGe."
She looked up from her book, "oh, FangYan."
"I wondered if I might have a moment of your time."
She blinked at the seriousness of his expression before marking her page and setting the book at her side, "But of course."
"I wish to ask for a favor."
"A favor?"
He nodded, "I know XiaoCi can be...mannerless...she is much improved, but I fear that she'll cause offense still and…"
"And you hoped that I could provide some protection if not guidance," she finished for him.
He nodded again, "yes."
She smiled slightly, "you have no need to worry. XiaoCi is spirited, but she has 分寸. Your mother taught her well."
"Still…"
"Though some credit must be given to you too."
"GeGe?"
"HuangShang shared some stories of his last visit and was very complimentary of your abilities to reign her in. And...it's easy to see that she idolizes you."
"Oh," he looked away, clearly embarrassed by her praise.
"I wish I had a brother as caring as you are towards XiaoCi."
He turned back at the wistfulness of her tone, "XiaoCi told me how you came to be LaoFoYe's ward…"
"I don't mind," she said, sensing that he was about to apologize, "it's not exactly a secret."
"XiaoCi voiced great admiration for how well adjusted you are despite your tragic past."
"Her words?"
He returned her smile, "yes."
"It's really not so dramatic. 刀枪无眼, AhMa knew the dangers."
"And your mother?"
"Mother...mother was in possession of much patience until…" she paused.
"I'm sorry," he did apologize then.
She shook her head, "everyone has their limits...mother...mother spent too much time waiting; I do not begrudge their ability to forgo further separations."
"Oh?"
She looked into his curious eyes and realized that she had spoken too freely. "I hope you do not think that I am heartless."
"You are very understanding."
She shook her head, "I simply did not wish for my mother to continue being sad."
There was a pause before he gestured towards her book, "what are you reading?"
Grateful for the change in topic, she answered, "XiaoCi found it for me in your family library, in exchange for some books I lent her."
"May I?"
"It's yours," she reminded him.
He sat next to her and picked up the book to examine the title, "Ah yes, Uncle Xiao sent it in one of the early packages from YunNan." He looked up at her again with a smile, "XiaoCi did mention that you like to study the properties of various herbs and plants."
"XiaoCi has told you a lot about me, it seems."
He could not altogether hide the slight flushing of his cheeks.
"It's alright," she commented, "in fact, I feel better because I have also been told much about you."
"Have you?" there was something unreadable in his eyes.
She put the observation aside for later consideration as she nodded, "For example, did you actually go question suspects the first time you were assigned a case independently without realizing XiaoCi had drawn whiskers on your face while you slept?"
She laughed merrily as he sputtered in his attempt to reply, not realizing that he had also stored the memory of the twinkle in her eyes for later review.
"GeGe."
She glanced up, "FangYan, just in time, here, try this."
He took the cup from her, trying to keep his expression impassive as his fingers briefly brushed against hers. She didn't seem to notice as she waited for his verdict.
The tea was just a tad too warm, but the taste of it made him smile involuntarily.
She smiled back at him, "well?"
"It tastes like...sunshine and laughter and...happiness." he looked at her, feeling a little embarrassed at the words he had chosen.
"Excellent!" she clapped her hands together with a wide grin.
"What is it for?"
"XiaoCi," she answered as she moved to make final notes on her paper.
"XiaoCi?"
She nodded absentmindedly, "I try to challenge myself to create teas to reflect the people I meet."
"Have you made one for me?" the words slipped out almost unconsciously.
She paused and looked up at him, "would you like me to?"
"I…" he was aware that he was staring, but he also didn't seem to be able to stop. "If it's not too much of an imposition," he at last said softly.
She tilted her head, "hmm. I'll try." She turned back to her paper, only to frown a little at the splotch of ink that had collected on the page while she hadn't been paying attention. Putting aside the brush, she moved to grab a new piece of paper.
He just watched her while absentmindedly sipping the tea. The afternoon light seemed to shine a spotlight on her, illuminating her patient expression as she copied the recipe she had created onto a new page. He could spend the whole day, maybe even longer, just watching her. The thought made him pause, the cup halfway to his lips. Oh dear. When had his curiosity turned into something else?
"There," she placed down her brush again, "oh, I almost forgot, what brought you here?"
He hoped his realization did not show in his expressions, "Hu TaiYi had mentioned a wish to replenish some of his supplies. I just wondered if you might also wish to visit the apothecary's shop."
"Oh." she looked excited for a moment before saying, "I will have to ask LaoFoYe."
"I already did."
"You did?"
He nodded. "She asked that we bring a few extra guards but gave her permission."
"Oh." She frowned a little; did LaoFoYe have some other intent?
"GeGe?"
"Hmm?" she looked up and realized that he was still waiting for an answer, "when do you plan to leave?"
"Whenever GeGe is ready."
She looked around her workspace, "I just need to clean up."
"May I be of assistance?"
She smiled a little, "do you not have other tasks that require your attention?"
Technically, he did, but it wasn't anything that was urgent, he decided, "nothing that can't wait."
"Alright then."
As he followed her instructions in returning various packages and jars to their proper cabinet or box, he couldn't help but remark, "I wish XiaoCi was as organized as you are."
"I've gotten used to it," she answered as she wiped the table top with a rag, "I've been responsible for keeping CiNingGong tidy after all."
"Are there not maids for that in the palace?"
"Yes, but LaoFoYe always feels better when I oversee them."
"What will she do when you marry?"
She fiddled with the latch to the box which held other notes she's made over the years, suddenly very aware of the sound of her heartbeat.
"GeGe? I didn't mean to offend…"
She forced herself to turn with a smile, "I expect she'll pick someone who lives close to BeiJing if not within the city itself. That way, I will still be close."
"Ah, as she did with HuanZhuGeGe?"
Qing-er nodded, careful to keep the smile from slipping, "and I really couldn't bear to part from either of them anyways. The three of us have been dependent on each other for too long."
He looked thoughtful.
She untied her apron and draped it over the chair, glad that his expression was now more neutral, "shall we?"
She tried to create the tea he requested, she honestly did, but nothing she came up with seemed right. She stared balefully at the ingredients around her; why couldn't she seem to come up with the right combination?
You know why. She shook her head to clear it.
But the thought stayed with her.
And while she waited for ZiWei and XiaoCi to arrive for their rehearsal, she couldn't help but pluck at the strings of her pipa. She was already almost halfway through the song before she realized what she was playing. She drew back her fingers, as though the instrument burned her. The pipa teetered for a second before falling against her. How could she have allowed it to happen? He was content where he was; why would he wish to leave his family? For you. That same voice said in her head. Or was it her traitorous heart that whispered it?
No. She pushed the thought away resolutely. That was foolish. Even if…
Her eyes widened when she heard the sound of a xiao playing a counterpart to the song she had played; she knew instinctively that it wasn't XiaoCi.
His eyes were looking at her too intently when he entered into the pagoda and sat opposite her.
This is an inauspicious song. She wanted to tell him. It's about waiting and loneliness and sleepless nights and empty days and...and I have no wish to be my mother.
Instead, she felt frozen in place as she listened. She heard the subtle changes he had made to the notes; the song was no longer so cold, so lost, so plaintive. Was he deliberately trying to tell her something?
"XiaoCi hadn't lied," she said at last into the following silence, "you are very gifted."
"I'm sorry for the liberty I have taken…"
Whatever he wanted to say was interrupted by XiaoCi's arrival.
Qing-er was barely aware of what she said in answer to XiaoCi's inquiries. She was just aware of the way his gaze still held hers prisoner and was suddenly seized with a desire to hear him say her name.
"Qing-er…"
She knew that ZiWei had lingered on purpose.
She shook her head, "I was too impulsive, wasn't I?"
ZiWei looked at once compassionate and hopeful, "HuangAhMa is determined to bring him back with us."
"Do you think he'll agree?"
ZiWei hesitated, but she was of an honest disposition. "Before today, I would have said no."
Qing-er looked down at her folded hands.
"But…" ZiWei sounded hopeful again, "after today, I think he may just have a reason to say yes."
Qing-er let out a shaky breath. Was it wrong to let herself hope too?
"Qing-GeGe."
She almost dropped the jar in her hand. She thanked heavens that she was facing away from him and took a moment to compose herself.
"FangYan."
"You missed the boating excursion," his comment was nonchalant, but his eyes asked the true question.
Yes, she wanted to say, yes I've been deliberately avoiding you. Out loud though, she said, "LaoFoYe wished for my company."
"I see."
She moved to her table and took ahold of her mortar and pestle; she needed something on which to anchor herself. "Did HuTaiYi want to visit the apothecary again?"
He shook his head. "No...I…" he paused before visibly straightening, "I wish to ask for a favor."
"Yes?"
"I am ignorant of politics in the capital. WuAhGe and ErKang will no doubt help me adjust but...you are observant and see things from a different perspective, I had hoped you might also offer your insight."
"Why?"
"XiaoCi is worried that I will inadvertently offend someone."
"What?"
"I told her that I'll just be WuAhGe's personal secretary and so it's unlikely anyone will ask for my opinions. But, to be safe, I thought I'd get all the help I can."
"Oh."
"So…" he seemed uncertain of himself again, "so, will you?"
It was fortunate that the teapot chose that moment to boil, because she didn't trust herself to speak.
"Ouch!"
"Qing-er!"
He quickly came to her side and grabbed her hand, looking for signs of injury. He was relieved to see that there were no cuts from the shattered porcelain, but he tsked at the red splash from the water. Without thinking, he popped her finger into his mouth to cool the burnt skin.
"FangYan…" her eyes were so wide.
He was frozen for a moment before releasing her, "GeGe, I…"
"Yes," she said as she stared into his eyes.
"Yes?"
She nodded, a smile hovering over her lips as she added, "if only to help alleviate XiaoCi's worries."
He smiled tentatively back at her before remembering her injury, "let me find the burn salve for you."
"It's not that bad," she protested.
But he was insistent and carefully wrapped her finger in gauze, "three times a day for at least the next two days, I'll remind you."
"Are you a healer as well?"
He shook his head, not yet realizing she was teasing, "XiaoCi quite literally liked to play with fire when she was little. Cook was constantly chasing her out of the kitchen; XiaoCi thought she was being helpful, of course, but cook had very specific instructions on how hot the flame ought to be for different dishes and none-too-pleased that XiaoCi's 'help' caused some to burn."
Encouraged by her chuckle, he smiled and added, "and then there was the time she decided she liked the new year's fireworks so much, she wanted to make some of her own. I have no idea how she got ahold of gunpowder, and it was pure luck that I was able to prevent the entire town from being blown up."
"FangYan."
"Hmm?"
"You can let go of my hand now."
He was definitely blushing this time, "GeGe."
"Qing-er."
"What?" his head lifted so fast, she was surprised there wasn't a popping sound.
"Qing-er," she repeated, "at least until we are back in BeiJing where we will have to play by the rules again."
He shook his head, "I can't."
"Why not?"
"If I start...I won't be able to stop." His eyes begged her to understand.
She nodded. It wasn't a declaration, not really, but...for now, it was enough.
Months had passed since their return to BeiJing and things seemed to stay frustratingly the same. Well, WuAhGe had been given his own residence outside the palace...everyone knew it was only a matter of time before he was made QinWang. But for her and FangYan...
She still hadn't been able to make his tea, though certainly not for lack of trying. She caught glimpses of him sometimes, when he came into the palace at WuAhGe's side, and he always had a smile tinged with what she thought was a soft look of longing for her. But it wasn't the same.
Well, of course not, she scolded herself. You are Qing-GeGe again. And CiNingGong wasn't exactly a place where he could just appear.
Besides, he needed time to adjust. She would give him space.
Almost half a year had passed when the whispers started. She heard them, even deep in the Inner Palace, and was filled with such immense pride that he was finally starting to get the recognition he deserved.
"See, he most definitely said yes for you." ZiWei told her and Qing-er was too elated to mind ZiWei's teasing.
She thought she knew what he was doing; could tell by the looks LaoFoYe gave her that the dowager empress was also aware. But she still had to play the waiting game.
It was alright though. She could be patient. Surely it would be worth it, in the end.
He managed to press a note into her hand during the mid-autumn festival. She thought it was just a poem at first, albeit a beautifully written one, until she heard the sound of a xiao floating through her window. She reread the paper with a delighted gasp; the words...they were lyrics. She wanted to answer him with her pipa, but she knew she couldn't without disturbing all of CiNingGong. So, instead, she sent him a packet of tea through ZiWei and ErKang. She had dubbed it hope.
Shortly before the turn of the new year, however, something did seem to change. She heard about how four-AhGe had approached FangYan and had been refused. A week later, she heard that four-AhGe had been adopted into Lü QinWang's line. A month later, WuAhGe became RongQinWang and FangYan received his promotion. Still, it did not stop six-AhGe and even 12-AhGe's maternal uncle from requesting meetings.
Qing-er wasn't surprised that FangYan refused each and every attempt to remove him from RongQinWang's side. He was loyal almost to a fault. It was the reason her faith in him never wavered.
She waited...surely he would come to speak with LaoFoYe soon. What was he waiting for? But as winter turned into spring, there was no word from him.
Even as the flowers in the imperial gardens started to transition from buds to full blossoms, the hope that had sustained Qing-er began to wilt.
Had she been foolish after all? Had he come to BeiJing because of his own ambition after all? Had he just been attentive because she was his sister's friend? And...worst yet...did he seek her out for his own gain? Through her, his position with HuangShang, with LaoFoYe, was more secure. Her instincts protested against such dark thoughts; he wasn't like that. She knew him, knew his family, better than that. Or did she? How could she claim to know him after only a month?
ZiWei might have helped bolster her spirits, but ZiWei had her first pregnancy to adjust to and hadn't the taiyi's said ZiWei should not be burdened with anything in her state?
And then RongQinWang came to CiNingGong for a discussion with LaoFoYe about his thoughts on a FuJin.
FangCi. Of course. She should have seen it. If she hadn't been so caught up in her own romance with FangYan, she would have. She supported RongQinWang's plan, of course, found herself genuinely defending his choice to LaoFoYe. And if it was partly driven through her own desires to ensure a happy ending for XiaoCi and RongQinWang so that she could live vicariously through them...well, she thought that the heavens would forgive her. Besides...she did need a friend at this time.
It was so good to see XiaoCi again. She was more graceful than she had been, carried herself with more refinement. But she was still a source of natural joy and light; both of which Qing-er was in desperate need. And...XiaoCi did not disappoint. XiaoCi's words gave Qing-er renewed hope.
After her friend's departure, Qing-er found the lyrics again, noting the tear stains on the page, and pulled out her pipa.
She attacked the task of making the tea with renewed fervor. A small part of her rather thought that the success of the tea would imply the success of their relationship.
She heard about the attack; had burned herself again when she received the news. And as she placed her finger in her own mouth to relieve the pain, she had an epiphany. She wanted to laugh at herself. The solution had been so obvious this whole time.
She summoned her courage and spoke to LaoFoYe frankly at last. Then, she waited for him to arrive at CiNingGong; she never doubted that he would.
"Qing-GeGe."
She could tell that he was nervous, but she felt entirely calm as she poured her creation into a cup, "tea?"
He sat across from her and took the cup but did not drink, "Qing-GeGe…"
He seemed to look anywhere but at her.
"You were right," she spoke up, when it seemed like he could not find the next words, "three times a day, at least two days. Fortunately, this time the burn was even more slight than the last time."
A look of alarm crossed his features as he looked at her hands where they lay folded on the table.
She almost smiled. "I've heard that you've gotten into a habit of refusing princes and dashing their hopes, but...I hope you are kinder to the princesses...specifically, to this princess."
"Qing-GeGe."
"Qing-er," she insisted for what she hoped was the last time, "I am to be your wife; the least you can do is extend me the courtesy of calling me by the name I prefer."
He looked so lost that she almost reached out to hold his hand. Instead, she nodded towards his cup, "drink your tea before it gets cold."
She watched his expressions carefully as he experienced the flavors of the tea.
"So, what do you think?"
He took a second sip, and then a third..."It's bold but gentle at the same time, bitter in the middle, but with a sweet finish. It's...addicting."
She smiled, proud of herself. "Yes, I even managed to put some YunNan Pu Er into it. And a modified version of the mixture I gave you in the fall."
"What do you call this one?" He finally met her gaze.
Her smile broadened, "QingYan."
"QingYan." he repeated.
"I've struggled to make tea for you for more than a year now. And only recently did I realize what was missing."
"Oh?"
She nodded to emphasize her certainty, "yes. It was me. You are not complete without me."
He set down the cup and reached out with a hand, but paused just before it reached hers, "Qing-er."
Despite herself, she could feel tears prickling at her eyes.
He must have seen the change because before she knew it, he was kneeling on the ground at her feet, her hands clutched in his, his lips caressing each individual finger.
"I'm sorry. I'm an idiot. I have caused you pain. I don't deserve you…" each phrase was accompanied by a kiss.
The tears fell but she was also laughing. "FangYan…"
He looked up at her so earnestly, "Qing-er, marry me."
"The edict has already been made," she managed to say.
"Marry me," he stubbornly repeated, "Qing-er."
"Say it again."
"Marry me."
She shook her head and felt his grip on her hands tighten. "I meant the other part."
He looked puzzled for a moment before his eyes softened in understanding. "Qing-er."
He pulled on her hands until they were both standing, "Qing-er."
He wiped away the remnants of her tears, "Qing-er."
She felt his arms wrap around her waist, "Qing-er."
He bent his head and whispered against her ear, "I told you...once I start, I will not be able to stop."
He drew back again to stare into her eyes, "Qing-er."
She lifted herself onto her tiptoes so that they were almost eye to eye with each other, "So don't."
She smiled as she tasted the tea on his lips.
He did manage to control himself enough to release her before they anticipated their wedding vows. As dazed as she was, so giddy with happiness, she didn't think she could have stopped him. But he would not be her FangYan if he wasn't honorable.
"Qing-er…" his voice sounded as breathless as she felt, "how soon can we be married without risking scandal?"
"Impatient, aren't you?"
"Yes," he admitted frankly, "You had once said that everyone has their limit, I have no wish to discover yours."
"Hmmm. I should make you wait at least as long as you have made me wait."
"Qing-er…"
He looked so abashed that she instantly felt guilty about reminding him.
She held his face gently in her hands, "but I am not nearly as cruel. I saw two dates, one in late October, the other in early November, that would work."
"October," he said immediately, causing her to laugh.
"Then XiaoCi and RongQinWang will have to settle for November."
"What?"
"Well I suppose we could share the day."
"No."
"No?"
"You are deserving of a day all to yourself. I have failed you too much in the last year, I will not take this away from you too."
"FangYan…"
"Besides, I am her elder, I should be married first."
As he intended, she laughed. The sound made him smile too. He promised himself then that he would do all he can to make her laugh like that everyday.
She was waiting again, but this time there really was an end in sight. And it seemed that he could just show up at CiNingGong after all. Well, his stated reason was to seek her opinions regarding their new home which he honestly did do, but if he stole some kisses and left lingering touches that tested even her patience...well, she made sure to do the same to him. Just to be fair.
She didn't necessarily need ZiWei to go over the mechanics of the wedding night; she had managed after all to peruse some of the medical texts while learning from the taiyis. She even knew about the herbs that would prevent unwanted children as well as ones that increased fertility and...she flushed at the thought...desire and endurance. Not that she expected either of those to be an issue...
ZiWei seemed to misinterpret her reaction, "Qing-er?"
Qing-er coughed, "Yes?"
"Have I scandalized you?" ZiWei bit her lip worriedly.
Qing-er shook her head and was quick to reassure her friend. Really, if ZiWei knew the things Qing-er thought sometimes…
As a princess of the Aisin Qioro clan, as an unwed princess specifically, there were things that Qing-er really had no business knowing. But she was...what was the word FangYan had used? Ah yes...she was organized; she liked to be prepared. And FangYan, who was raised a gentleman and truly was all that was honorable, was still a man. A very passionate man who loved her desperately and seemed intent on ensuring that she would never have cause to doubt him again. So yes, she had heard ZiWei's words about how it was natural to want your husband, that said husband would be delighted and not offended with your curiosity, that such improper acts take on new meaning as the physical manifestations of their love ...and she already agreed with them. Wholeheartedly. Because in her mind, FangYan was already her husband. They just needed to wait so that the rest of the world could catch up.
"It does hurt though, the first time," ZiWei told her, "even with preparation...and the soreness takes a little bit to get used to…"
"How often do you and ErKang..." she trailed off, knowing ZiWei understood.
ZiWei flushed crimson again, "we…" she paused, "the servants have learned not to enter without knocking."
"Even during the daytime?"
ZiWei hid her face in her hands but still nodded.
"Well." And really what should she say to that revelation? Although...she wasn't completely ignorant of the gossip within the palace, for all that LaoFoYe tried to keep her sheltered.
She reached out to pull at her friend's wrists, "it's a relief to know that you are happy and...fulfilled."
"Qing-er!" ZiWei was the one to look scandalized, which just made her companion's smile broaden. "Does FangYan know you can be so shameless?"
"Did you not say that there is no shame in enjoying such attention from one's husband?" Qing-er asked primly.
"Good heavens, XiaoCi was right."
"Hmmm?"
"The two of you are dangerous together."
"What an odd choice of words."
ZiWei seemed to have recovered her equilibrium, "your seemingly calm exteriors hide fierce minds and equally fierce spirits." She then grinned, "I am glad you have found your match."
Qing-er also smiled; it seemed that was all she did these days. But...she did have to live up to her name didn't she? And it did feel like a new day after a rainstorm.
The sound of footsteps alerted them to XiaoCi's return.
"All done?"
ZiWei and Qing-er exchanged a look and Qing-er fought the urge to giggle as she answered. "For now."
"For now?" XiaoCi looked apprehensive.
"I'm sure, in time, I'll be seeking ZiWei's advice about childbearing."
"Oh, you'll have mother to turn to for that too."
"You think?"
XiaoCi nodded, "of course. Mother already thinks of you as a daughter; she gave brother such a talking to when he first told us about the edict."
"Oh?"
XiaoCi grinned as she leaned forward in a conspiring manner, "let me tell you about it…"
He was staring at her again, but it was something to which she had grown accustomed. Not to say that it still didn't send her pulse aflutter and make her breathing irregular, particularly tonight...but she had learned to be more confident in her abilities to interpret his meaning.
"Your mother and I had a heart to heart recently."
"Did you?"
Ah yes, there was a hint of weariness. "I promised to help look after XiaoCi."
"Ah."
"And to be patient with you."
He reached then to hold her hands, "I'm sorry…"
She shook her head with a soft smile, "it's behind us now. Besides, XiaoCi assured me that all the Fang men love deeply and wholeheartedly. She told me that it's family tradition to be steadfast and 专一."
"It is."
"Then what have I to be scared of?"
He looked at her with such tenderness. "How did I get so lucky?"
But she really didn't think he was expecting an answer. Nonetheless, she leaned and pressed her lips to his, "well dear husband, I think both of us have been patient enough, don't you?"
"Qing-er…" his hands released hers only to trap her into his arms, "XiaoCi is not the only one who likes to play with fire."
"Ah, but you are an expert when it comes to burns. Three times a day, at least two days, right?"
Her mischievous look proved much too tempting and he reconnected their lips. "Qing-er…"
She just wrapped her arms around his neck tighter. The feeling of arousal had also become a familiar sensation, but tonight was different. Tonight, they no longer had to worry about propriety; the direction they were heading was expected actually. And they were each very good at fulfilling expectations.
His touch was gentle as he explored the skin revealed to him. Still, she felt like she was actually burning. "FangYan…"
He looked into her eyes then and saw so much love and passion that he forgot to breath for a second.
Her hands had been one of the few places he could touch her before tonight, and he held them in his for a moment before bringing one to his lips.
She smiled at him, seeming to understand the unspoken promise he was making to her.
He kissed each finger and then, still making sure to keep their gaze locked, sucked a finger into his mouth deliberately.
Her eyes widened just as they had more than a year ago, but he did not stop this time. He swiped his tongue along the length of her finger, watching as the flush of her cheeks spread downwards. He could feel her trembling and could hear her whimpers.
Her relief when he released her finger, however, was short lived as his lips attached themselves to other areas of her body. She was sure he would leave a bruise on the skin over her collarbone, but she was beyond caring. Indeed, she wanted him to mark her as his.
Her fingers dug into his scalp as he grazed his teeth on her nipples. She arched subconsciously and the movement was so natural that he couldn't help but moan against her.
"Qing-er…"
Would she ever tire of the way he said her name? She didn't think so; he could convey so much through those two little syllables. He had moved away from her torso, but she couldn't feel bereft for long, not when his lips continued traveling, with small pauses here and there for him to lick and taste her skin. Her whole body felt overly sensitive, but she didn't want it to stop. Still, she stiffened when he initially made contact with her inner thigh and bit her lip as she looked at him.
He traced little circles where his lips had been and looked back at her almost pleadingly, "Don't tell me to stop."
His voice sounded hoarse to his own ears. It was beyond the norm of things, what he wanted to do, but since the first kiss she had allowed him, he had wanted to taste her in a different way. If she declined, he would stop. It would be difficult, but he would. He just really, really hoped that she wouldn't.
She took deep breaths, focusing on counting the seconds of her inhales and exhales, willing her body to relax. The patterns his fingers continued to make were soothing and she let the feeling calm her. She opened her eyes again to see him waiting patiently for her answer.
He felt the shifting beneath his fingers as she parted her legs for him. She was blushing furiously, but her gaze remained steady. His mother had been right; Qing-er had put all of herself into his hands. He watched her as he moved his hand tentatively. She closed her eyes but made no other motions to stop him. He grew bolder and had to bite his own lip to keep control of himself when he felt the wetness coating her folds.
She tried to hold still, reminding herself that it was alright, that he was her husband, that she loved him, that all of this was as it should be. But as he stroked her in a place she had barely ever touched, she couldn't control the trembling that started somewhere in the pit of her belly. Her arms failed her and she fell back onto the bed with a gasp.
Good heavens but she was beautiful. The sounds she made added to his determination not to fail her. He found her opening and stroked around it; he could feel himself straining to be where his finger was. Not yet, he told himself firmly.
Qing-er felt the intrusion and prepared herself for the pain that was to follow. But it was an altogether different sensation than what she had expected. And when he moaned against her core, she realized what he had done.
How could he describe her taste? As with the tea she had created for them, it was addicting; she was addicting.
She felt his hands at her hips and then as they reached to grasp her bottom. His touch was insistent as was his mouth and tongue. She was trembling again, this time the shaking was accompanied by a flame that radiated heat from where he was intimately and insistently marking her. And then...she gasped again at the shock of the sensation. He was touching her again, this time rhythmically at a particular spot that caused the blaze to flare until she was truly set aflame.
He wiped his mouth before moving to hold her trembling form in his arms. He pressed light kisses against her neck as the spasms rocked through her body.
She slowly became aware of the warmth of his skin pressing against her own. Her legs had tangled with his and there was something straining against her abdomen. She looked down...oh.
He heard her involuntary sound, "Qing-er?"
She was transfixed as she stared at it; so that was how he would make her his. It certainly was larger than a finger.
"Qing-er?" he gently tilted her chin so that he could see her expression. "Oh Qing-er…" She looked sated, intrigued, and frightened all at once. "We do not have to…"
She blinked, "what?"
"I can wait."
"Does it hurt?"
Well, it wasn't exactly comfortable. His answer must have shown in his face because she was looking down again. "I…" he let out a grunt as she pushed him onto his back. "Qing-er?"
She sat up, legs tucked neatly beneath her and the sight of her sitting between his thighs made him clench his fists. And then, heavens, she touched him.
"Does it hurt?" she asked again.
He could only stare at her mutely and shake his head.
Her hands left his hardened length but before he could throw away his dignity and beg her to return her attention to it, he felt her touch on his abdomen. His muscles tightened beneath her fingers and he saw fascination wash over her face.
She could feel him watching her, but she didn't mind. She was examining him just as intently. She had seen him in action, had seen the strength and control he exercised over his movements. It was obvious in the lines of his body that he trained as seriously as he approached most things in his life. Would he bring the same sort of focus to her?
Her hands were roaming his skin, lingering here and there in appreciation. He had never felt so vulnerable and yet so safe at the same time. He was bare before her; not just because of his state of undress. She might not have known him her whole life, as XiaoCi did, but she already saw him clearly. She had waited; her waiting told him about her own stubborn nature. And the way she had made this day possible for herself, for him, for them...he was suddenly put in mind of the silver hairpin that Cousin MingLiang had given XiaoCi. His Qing-er was as strong, as sharp, as dangerous as the hidden blade. But she was also as polished, as beautiful, as unassuming as the seemingly simple ornament. And...she was his.
"Qing-er…"
She felt his hand close about her own and met his eyes as he placed it back on his shaft. It twitched as drops of wetness met her palm. Oh.
"Do you mind?"
She shook her head.
"Good." He closed his eyes, trying to regulate his breathing at the sensation of her stroking him in such a way.
"Does it hurt?" her voice made it through the haze.
"If it does, would you kiss it better?"
She blinked.
He opened his eyes to see the startelement in hers. Why had he said that? "I…"
But then he was forced to exclaim, "Qing-er!"
"Does it still hurt?"
He was rendered mute again.
She tilted her head before pressing her lips to him, the side rather than the tip this time. "Well, just in case."
He didn't remember moving, but there she was staring up at him with wide eyes, her wrists trapped next to her head.
"Qing-er…I can't..." he needed her, now.
Her slight smile was all the permission he needed.
It did hurt, but the pain was soon forgotten as he kissed her with a wildness that was so at odds with the deliberate way he was pressing into her. She found out the answers to her earlier wonderings, though she was in no condition to remember what those were. She was lost and yet had never felt more certain that she was exactly where she was supposed to be.
"Qing-er…"
She could feel his movements lose their regular rhythm, could feel his moan vibrate through his whole body.
"I'm here," she managed to whisper before his lips robbed her of speech again. This kiss was sloppy, without any finesse, but she still smiled, because it was in that moment that he gave all of himself to her.
It was her turn to hold him as the pleasure retreated from his body.
"Did I hurt you?"
She glanced at her wrists but did not stop stroking the strands of hair that had escaped his braid, "no."
"Qing-er?" he moved so that he wasn't crushing her and she momentarily felt bereft.
"I'm fine."
"I'm sorry I wasn't able to control myself, even though I had said…"
Ah, she had misunderstood his question. Still...she held a finger to his lips and repeated, "I'm fine." When it still looked like he'd protest, she added in a more playful tone, "I would have felt inadequate had you truly been able to control yourself."
He pulled the blanket to cover them both before drawing her into his arms again, "how did I get so lucky?"
She pressed a kiss to his chest, suddenly remembering something LaoFoYe had said, "love always finds a way."
"Yes," was his quiet reply, "yes."
She was incorporated into his family without any fuss. She had insisted early on that she was just Qing-er, that there was no need for titles, and could tell that she had gained her in-laws' approval.
It was strange to have parents again, but FangDaRen and FangFuRen, or rather, father and mother, were so different than her own parents had been. Her parents had cared for each other, but their many separations meant that they treated each other with an inherent politeness. But the Fangs were honest, open with each other. It was eye opening really, how direct FangFuRen was with her husband at times. It explained so much about XiaoCi. She couldn't help but wonder if she was intruding on their privacy.
"But you're a Fang now," XiaoCi had said, the furrow between her brows revealing her confusion at Qing-er's question, "why would you be intruding?"
She had been further confused when Qing-er spontaneously hugged her, "what…"
Qing-er just laughed as she released her new sister. How could she explain? She had envied the Fangs for their closeness, their security, and now...she was one of them, wasn't she?
XiaoCi just shrugged and turned back to the matter at hand, "So, you really think this pattern would be alright? It's just so...simple. But...I don't trust myself not to make a mess of things if I pick a more complicated pattern."
"RongQinWang won't mind. The very fact that you made it means he'll treasure it."
"Yes...he is sweet like that," XiaoCi agreed without a hint of irony.
Qing-er smiled to herself. RongQinWang was intelligent, capable, regal, responsible, dependable...only XiaoCi would use such a common term as sweet to describe him. But then...that was also as it should be, wasn't it?
"Is that why you'll be filling it with candies?"
XiaoCi just shrugged again, her focus now back on her embroidery, "he seemed to like them, even more than the walnut cakes. And he does tend to have rather long meetings at times, doesn't he? The candies should be unobtrusive enough that he can sneak a piece here and there to ensure he has some form of energy. And they can make all those medicines more palatable."
The idea of RongQinWang sneaking anything amused Qing-er. But then, if someone had told her that she herself would make it a regular practice to sneak kisses from her husband, she wouldn't have believed them either.
He sighed in appreciation as she rubbed the knots from his shoulders on his return that evening.
"Better?"
"Hmmm…"
It was answer enough. She stopped when she felt his hand on hers. He turned to face her then, sitting cross legged on their bed, with a rather serious expression. She settled into a similar position and waited, knowing that he was pulling his thoughts together.
"Did you learn this for LaoFoYe?"
She nodded, "LaoFoYe carries much tension in her shoulders. It improved, after LingGuiFei's promotion, but I think after a whole lifetime of calculating and planning and plotting, LaoFoYe still has trouble giving up the reins completely."
"For whom does she plot?"
"Initially, for herself and the Niohuru clan. And then, likely for HuangShang's sake."
"And what about you and ZiWei?"
She looked at him questioningly.
"I heard something today." He admitted.
"Oh?"
"The term 美人计 was used."
"With regards to…"
"Me."
"You?"
He nodded.
"In what context?"
"My presence here, in BeiJing."
"And the 美人 in question?" She had an inkling, but their marriage was new enough that she felt it was prudent to be certain.
"You."
"I see."
"Did you know?"
She looked at his carefully blank expression. She was too certain of his love for her to be frightened. But... the question and the answer were both complicated. "I suspected."
"When?"
"The day we went to the apothecary. LaoFoYe is very protective of me and ZiWei. A woman's virtue, a princess's virtue, must never be in question."
"I see," he said again.
She was honest, knowing that he just wanted to understand. "I also knew that HuangShang had the idea to bring you back to the capital, even before we arrived at your home. And after you demonstrated your skills and talents, the idea solidified until it was almost a certainty."
"You said LaoFoYe plots for HuangShang's sake."
"Yes."
"So…"
"So did she notice your attraction and use it to her advantage? Likely yes."
"And you?"
"I let her use me as bait, yes."
"Why?"
"Because the attraction was mutual."
"And your choice to avoid me, after that day in the pagoda...was that to test the theory that absence would make the heart grow fonder?"
"No."
"No?"
She shook her head, "I didn't know how to face you, not after I had been so forward. And...I heard your song that night, the tune you had modified...it called to me and I...I wanted…" she paused for a moment, "in a moment of frailty, I did manage to find out your birthday."
"My birthday?"
"To check our compatibility."
"Ah."
She had hoped, momentarily, that any mismatch could have cured her of her infatuation, but...it was not to be. She took a breath and returned to his original question, "but because of my suspicions, I kept my distance. You would abhor such duplicity."
"Does it not bother you?"
"That LaoFoYe would use me in such a way?"
"That she didn't consult you."
"She knows me well enough to have seen that I wasn't indifferent to you. She likely thought she was acting in the most efficient way; she could help me and HuangShang obtain what we both wanted."
"That doesn't excuse…"
Ah, and there was the indignant righteousness that had contributed in part to her attraction to him.
"You are upset on my behalf."
"You are my wife; of course I am!"
"One could argue that you are able to call me wife because of LaoFoYe."
He looked at her incredulously.
She just smiled a little, "the ends do not always justify the means, but...after a lifetime of doing it, plotting is as natural to LaoFoYe as breathing. She does care... only...she has not had the privilege of being shown the correct way to demonstrate her affection."
"Is there a correct way?"
"You believe so."
He knew he couldn't deny the truth of her comment.
"Do you regret falling for the trap?"
"I…"
She could easily see his conflict and waited again for him to sort through his thoughts.
"I do not like what it implies about you," he at last uttered.
"But am I not a woman of the palace? Am I not also capable of acting in self-interest?" She knew herself too well to be offended.
"That is not what I meant."
"No?"
"You are not a sacrificial chess piece."
His indignance was endearing and she found herself rewarding him with a long kiss.
"Qing-er?"
She could see then, the family resemblance with his sister. She pressed a kiss to his forehead in an effort to smooth the furrow between his brows. "A sacrifice...hmm, why was I not aware?"
"How can you make light of it?"
"Because I know it to be false."
"But…" he still looked like he wished to argue.
"FangYan...husband…" she held both his hands in hers.
"Qing-er?"
"Do not belittle my abilities to make decisions for myself. Had I truly minded, I would have stopped LaoFoYe."
His expression gradually cleared, "XiaoCi did say you were most persuasive."
"Hmm...then could I persuade you to teach me the correct way to demonstrate my affection?"
"Qing-er?"
She had never thought of herself as a bold person, but sometimes the occasion called for it. She shifted so that she straddled his lap and his arms wrapped about her automatically to steady her. This close, she could see the dilation of his pupils. "Would you still have fallen for the 美人计 had you been aware of it?"
He shivered as she nibbled on his lips. "Qing-er…"
"Hmmm?"
"Yes."
"Yes?" she had paused at his answer.
He leaned his forehead against her, "I would have. A hundred times, a thousand times."
"Even though it would have been a trap?"
"Such is the power you have over me."
"Hmm...then I'm obliged to take good care of you, aren't I?"
He groaned as she rolled her hips, "Qing-er..."
She answered by pressing her lips to his again. She pulled at the ties of his shirt blindly even as she felt his hands slip beneath hers to touch the skin of her back. She felt as he gathered his strength and wasn't surprised when she felt herself being repositioned. She still straddled him, but he was lying beneath her now, his shirt opened so that she could explore his chest with her hands. He could overpower her so easily, but she had discovered that he enjoyed being at her mercy at times. And if the nudge against her thigh was any indication, this was one of those times.
She pulled back a little, just to catch her breath, only to have him lean up and seize her lips with his possessively. She could feel her shirt sliding off her shoulders and obligingly pulled her arms from the sleeves. She felt as the ties at her neck became undone and moaned when he pulled her skin flush against his.
"What was it that you wanted?"
"Hmmm?"
"When you heard my song."
"You," she said simply as she reached to undress him completely.
He flipped them so as to do the same to her before positioning himself at her entrance. "Qing-er…"
She answered by wrapping her legs around his waist and pulling. She was going to be sore again, but the stretch of her body around him felt too good.
He took a moment to recover but then she felt his arms at her back as he pulled so that she was sitting astride him again. "Show me."
He had not used such an authoritative tone with her before, and definitely not in this context, but she could not deny its effect on her. She obliged and bucked against him. She was rewarded with a hitch in his breathing.
"Do you know," she murmured against his ear, conveniently located against her lips as she clung to him with her arms, "I think you trapped me too. And I wanted, still want, you to play me with as much skill as you do your xiao."
"Does it shock you," she continued as she felt his fingers dig into her flesh, "to know that I had such impure thoughts?"
"Did you not say that LaoFoYe made sure to protect you?"
"I was fuzzy on the details, of course, but I was not completely unaware of matters between men and women. LaoFoYe made sure to stay very well informed of which concubines were favored, after all."
"Qing-er…"
He was going to leave bruises, but she felt a deep satisfaction that she could reduce him to this state.
She pulled his earlobe between her lips, swirling her tongue around it before biting down.
He grunted in response, "I'm close."
"Good."
She protested, though, when she felt his touch between their bodies, "I'm going to lose focus."
"Let me, please."
How could she say no when he was stroking her in such a way?
"Besides, it's what you wanted, isn't it?" his voice was husky with an edge of danger to it, "for me to play you with as much ease as I do my xiao?"
How did she lose control of the situation so easily?
"You are upset," she murmured.
"That someone had thought to 算计 me? No. I'm not upset."
"No?"
"No," he answered, biting back his own moan at the way she was shaking in his arms. "I am merely...teaching."
She would have laughed but she could feel her awareness starting to lapse. "FangYan…"
The desperate way she uttered his name made him rub against her faster as he also felt his peak approaching, "Qing-er…"
The cramps in her legs brought her back to reality. Her hold on him had slackened, but his hands still felt reassuringly warm against the small of her back. "FangYan?"
"Hmmm?"
She shifted one leg experimentally, then the other, "I can't feel my feet."
"Oh." He also shifted and looked at her in concern.
"Just…"
With his help, she unwrapped herself from around him. He massaged her feet and then her calves until the feeling returned.
"Thank you," she told him.
"No," he looked at her with such love, "thank you."
"For?"
"For being mine."
She kissed him softly, "possessive, aren't you?"
He smiled at her teasing, "yes. Very much so."
"Good," she said again.
"Good?"
"You will never fall prey to another 美人计."
He chuckled, "no, indeed."
"They will be happy," she told him as they watched the carriage take XiaoCi to her new life.
"I know...still…"
She glanced about, to make sure she would not be overheard, "the protector in you balks at the idea that she will be defiled."
"Qing-er!" he kept his voice low, but his shock was obvious.
She just lifted an eyebrow at him.
"Did XiaoCi teach you that trick?"
"Maybe…"
"You're trying to distract me."
She made no denials.
"WangYe is a good man. I would not have encouraged him to proceed with his plan otherwise."
"Has XiaoCi forgiven you for keeping it from her?"
"She...I think it slipped her mind that I had initially."
Qing-er thought for a moment; ah yes, it was close enough to the attack that XiaoCi no doubt had other things on her mind. "She will be happy. WangYe will ensure it."
"I know," he repeated.
She slipped her hand into his, "come, let us go play a duet for mother and father."
He understood her gesture for what it was and squeezed her hand gratefully.
"Must you go?" XiaoCi pouted, her arms still around her mother.
"XiaoCi, is this any way for a FuJin to behave?"
XiaoCi made a face, "Qing-er had said titles weren't allowed when it's just family."
Her mother chuckled as she reminded her daughter gently, "hmm, you are a married lady now."
XiaoCi's gaze turned to the figure of her husband, who was exchanging words with her father, and smiled.
"Ah, happily so, if I'm not mistaken."
XiaoCi blushed, "mother…"
FangFuRen just patted her back, "alright, XiaoCi, if we don't start, we won't make it to our first stop before nightfall. We're just lucky that it hasn't snowed yet."
Qing-er joined them then, with a basket in her hand, "just some provisions and hot water bottles. The carriage is insulated and well stocked with blankets but the northern wind is tricky. You and father must take care not to catch colds."
"Yongqi has already promised that we can come visit in the spring or summer; I will need to meet my newest nephew." XiaoCi at last released her mother. "If I make it through the winter…" she grumbled.
"It's not so bad," Qing-er said reassuringly, "and we can have snowball fights and show you how to ice skate. That's a skill even your brother has not yet fully mastered."
"Really?" XiaoCi perked up.
Qing-er and FangFuRen exchanged smiles.
"Travel safely, mother."
"I leave my children in your capable hands, Qing-er."
"Hey!"
"And they will in turn ensure that I am cared for," Qing-er said in part to placate XiaoCi.
"Quite right, brother will never 欺负 you with me around."
The idea of FangYan bullying her was laughable, but Qing-er could tell that XiaoCi was trying to distract herself from her sadness at the parting of ways.
"娘子!"
"And there's your father calling."
XiaoCi hugged her mother one more time, her eyes suspiciously bright.
They watched as the elder Fangs' carriage passed out of sight. XiaoCi gave a sigh.
"We should make our departure too," RongQinWang said.
"So soon?"
The prince smiled at his wife, "have you forgotten that your new sword is to arrive today?"
"Oh! That's right!" XiaoCi smiled widely.
FangYan frowned, "what's wrong with your old sword?"
"Nothing," XiaoCi said, "but Yongqi had one made as a wedding present; the balance of the hilt was just slightly off so we sent it back to be adjusted."
"Don't spoil her too much," FangYan told the prince.
His sister just rolled her eyes, "come on Yongqi, let's go see if it's arrived."
FangYan sighed as they too departed.
"WangYe is an indulgent husband."
"Too indulgent," FangYan muttered.
Qing-er chuckled, "we should return inside; it is rather cold today."
He nodded.
"What is this tea?" he asked as he sipped from the cup.
"Homesickness," she responded.
"Homesickness." He repeated; it did taste wistful and bittersweet.
"XiaoCi is not the only one to miss her parents."
"My home is here, with you, now."
"Hmm…" she poured herself a cup of the tea, "I was thinking; some day, years in the future, you will wish to retire from public service. The more temperate climates of ZheJiang might be more suitable."
"Qing-er?"
"LaoFoYe always feels her age more often in the winter. A warmer season may be better for rheumatism."
"It does sound reasonable when you put it like that; for the sake of our health of course."
"Of course," she answered.
Their eyes met over the brims of their cups. Hers held the same twinkle that he had tucked away in his memory what felt like a lifetime ago. They had not even been married a month and he already knew he could not do without her. But what was it that XiaoCi had once said? Time was irrelevant; it was the connection of their spirits that truly mattered.
Qing-er looked and saw affection and gratefulness for her understanding in his eyes. There was also something else that had once been unreadable. But now...she knew what it was and the warmth of it chased away all remnants of the chill from the outdoors.
They sipped their tea in companionable silence before he said quietly, "I should finish that report."
She nodded and stood with him, "I'll help prepare the ink."
They walked towards the study, his hand brushing intermittently against hers.
He could feel her eyes on him as he wrote and thought it an ironic role reversal from the first time he realized his feelings for her. The task before him, however, soon stole his focus.
She watched him at first before pausing when enough ink had been produced. She wandered the shelves of his study instead, careful to do so quietly, and selected a book of poetry. She was already familiar with most of its contents, but the words were comforting, just as was his presence. Maybe someday, the pitter patter of little feet will disrupt their peace; she had been warned after all that the Fang family only really produced sons. And heaven knows Dong-er has the power to send the entirety of XueShiFu in an uproar with but a cry. But the thought made her smile nonetheless.
"What is it?"
"Hmm?" She turned to see that her husband had neatly rolled up his report and put away his brush. "All done?"
"For now." He left his desk to come sit on the chaise with her, moving her legs to settle them in his lap. "Tang poems?"
"ZiWei is already planning Dong-er's education."
"He can't even talk."
"As though your parents weren't equally strict with your lessons."
"Father always did seem to imply that it was a matter of family honor."
She chuckled lightly.
"But I don't think they were overly strict."
"Likely because they never had to with you." Unlike with his sister was left unspoken.
"Mother had once said that XiaoCi was given to them for balance, and that it was the heavens playing a joke on her."
"Oh?"
"Mother admits that she had never been the most well-behaved child either."
"Hmm. Though I imagine she never managed to play with gunpowder."
"No," FangYan admitted, "although Uncle says she managed to chip grandfather's favorite sword. As always, though, father took the blame."
"And the punishment?"
He shook his head, "he tried to; but mother marched right into the family chapel where father was made to kneel and threw him out."
"Even though it was his family chapel?"
FangYan nodded. "Grandfather of course came to investigate the commotion, but she just told him that she may be a troublemaker, but she was an honest one. No one was going to take the punishment for her, especially not my father."
"Especially?"
"Mother didn't particularly care for father's protection. Uncle said though, that he always knew father's patience would win, in the end."
He returned her smile of amusement before asking, "how about you?"
"Hmm?"
"What is the education of a princess like?"
"Not too different from XiaoCi's, I expect. Only instead of kungfu, I had more lessons in history and languages."
"Languages?"
She nodded, "most princesses are married to Mongolian princes of some clan or other. It behooves us to be prepared."
"Ah."
"ZiWei and I have always been exceptions to the rule."
"Fortunately for me and ErKang."
She was grateful for his assumption that LaoFoYe was the reason; she really didn't want to spoil the day with talk of bloodlines and lineage.
"And what leisurely activities were princesses allowed?"
She could have responded with any number of things, but she sensed that he did not wish to hear about sewing or music or even her teas. "Mother and I used to make paper cuttings, particularly when the weather grew colder. She'd even paste some onto the windows; to keep the dreariness of winter at bay she said."
"Paper cuttings?"
Qing-er nodded, "she could make whole scenes and would tell me stories about the different zodiacs. Each had a lesson, some virtue she tried to instill in me, of course, but the pictures were just fun."
"So like shadow puppets?"
"Somewhat."
"Hmm."
He looked at her questioningly as she moved to stand.
"It's almost time for lunch; but I'll also need some supplies if I am to show you what I mean."
He nodded in understanding.
"I am obviously not an artist," he told her as he placed a misshapen form next to her rabbit cutting on the table.
"It's...a good attempt," she settled on, trying to preserve his dignity.
He shrugged, "you can laugh; my ego can handle this failure."
"You just need more practice."
He made a noncommittal noise but did pick up a new piece of paper.
The row of neatly made animals in front of her threw his own creations into sharp relief. When he reached to crumple the pieces of paper, however, she stayed his hand.
"It took me years to recreate the pictures of my childhood. I'm still not convinced that I've got them all right."
"I assumed your mother taught you."
"Only a few simple designs," she said, "the scissors were still too big for my hands."
"But you never gave up."
She smiled at him as she repeated, "but I never gave up."
His hand brushed against hers again, the touch gentle. "I've thought of a name."
"Name?"
"For our firstborn."
"Already?"
His cheeks flushed at her teasing tone, but he persisted, "ChengNai (耐, patience, endurance)."
"Ah, Cheng is the generation name?"
He nodded.
"FangChengNai..." She said thoughtfully, "a good name."
He looked relieved.
She pulled her hand out of his grasp, "we should clean the desk of scraps."
He stood with her and together they put the desk to rights again.
"Qing-er?"
"Hmmm?"
"You don't think I'm planning too far ahead?"
In lieu of a straight answer, she laid a gentle hand on the stack of colored paper, "we should paste these into a book; it's a good starting point for a child to learn their characters."
He stood closer to her and,wrapping an arm about her waist, pressed a soft kiss to the side of her head.
She leaned against him, relishing in the quiet certainty of their shared vision of the future.
"I'm coming with you."
"Qing-er…"
She frowned at his tone of voice; it was one of forced patience he used when XiaoCi needed to be talked out of a wild idea.
"I'll stay with Uncle Xiao. I will keep my distance from the camps."
"HuangShang has yet to decide who to send."
The look she gave him warned him clearly against insulting her intelligence.
"We would just be protecting extra medical supplies," he said at last.
"Into an area fraught with instability and pestilence. Should something happen to you...I have no wish to wait weeks for news."
"Our son needs you."
"Our son barely passed his 100th day; he is too young to remember. Besides, mother says she can look after him. ZiWei has also offered space at XueShiFu if need be."
He wasn't surprised that she had already spoken to his mother about the matter. "It's a long and arduous road; we will need to travel with all speed."
"I am not afraid of discomfort."
"Qing-er…"
She looked at him so fiercely, "I'm going to pack."
He let her walk out of the room. It was the closest they've come to an argument in the two year of their marriage. The situation at the border with Burma, however, was a matter of urgency. All efforts at a diplomatic solution had failed and the battle lines had been drawn years ago. The final forced withdrawal of the Qing Bannermen was incomprehensible to the emperor. A truce had been made, but HuangShang remained deeply unhappy at the audacity of such a small territory not to summit fully to Qing rule. It had been perhaps foolish for RongQinWang to have brought up the surviving soldiers at all, though he did so privately. But FangYan could tell from the reports that pestilence did as much, if not more, damage than the Burmese forces. The morales of the soldiers were linked to their continued loyalty particularly as HuangShang determined to build a series of military forts along the border.
"XiaoCi hasn't even asked to go," he said quietly to her back some time later.
She continued to fold clothing, seeming as though she did not hear him. And then, "XiaoCi is with child."
He blinked. It had been a source of worry for LaoFoYe, he knew, that his sister had yet to produce an heir.
"Besides," Qing-er continued, "RongQinWang's health prevents him from going."
She sounded calm, but he could hear the underlying current of steel. "Qing-er."
She must have heard the resignation in his voice because she finally turned to face him. She looked every inch the Qing dynasty princess; her emotions were so carefully hidden. That she would do so, even in front of him, hurt.
"I…" he crossed the room to gather her into his arms, "there is no battlefield, not anymore. As it is, ErKang will play the main role in managing the establishment of defensive positions and fortifications. I will just be a supporting player. My family's connections in YunNan will be of help."
She held herself so stiffly still. "RongQinWang cannot go, but...who doesn't know that you are RongQinWang's man through and through?"
Her voice was so matter of fact.
"There is no more battle." He reminded her again.
"HuangShang will not give up so easily," Qing-er said wearily.
"I am no general; it is not a role I desire," he told her when he felt the minute tremors of her body.
They were both silent for a long time, but he felt reassured as she gradually leaned into his embrace.
"I've thought of a name," she whispered at last.
"Yes?"
"For the next child," she explained needlessly.
"Ah."
"ChengAn (安, peace, tranquility)." she said, "it's what AhMa had fought for, what ENiang always hoped for."
"After this matter is over, we will live such a life."
"You're planning ahead again."
He felt his face relax at the faint teasing in her voice. "So are you."
She gave a nonspecific hum.
"I still have no wish to find out the limits of your patience."
She raised her head to look at him, "mother will wish to relocate to RongQinWangFu."
"It will be excellent practice for XiaoCi."
"You are not concerned that she will corrupt our son?"
"Mother will provide excellent balance. Besides, as you say, he is young. We shall still have time to correct his behavior."
"We will miss many milestones," she murmured, her guilt obvious.
He kissed her forehead in response. "But you have had enough of waiting in this lifetime."
"Thank you for understanding."
"Mother attempted to set me straight again."
"Attempted?"
"I like to think I have become more insightful when it comes to your thoughts." His relief increased when she smiled slightly. "I think she likes you better than she likes me," he told her conspiringly.
"It is nice to have a mother again," she admitted.
He looked thoughtful a moment before saying, "I will obtain a knife for you and teach you some simple ways of using it to defend yourself. Uncle Xiao will ensure your protection, but…"
"You will rest easier," she completed his thought.
He nodded, "so long as you are not adverse to it."
"I will do my best to learn."
"Thank heavens you're back," XiaoCi told her, "I've been bored stiff. I'm not allowed to do anything. Mother has managed to rein in GuiMoMo, but still!"
Qing-er hid a smile, "LaoFoYe will never admit it, but she does have favorites among her grandchildren."
XiaoCi made a face, "I know she only sent GuiMoMo because she cares about both me and this child...but I hate feeling like a prisoner."
"At one time, you had thought RongQinWangFu to be too large."
"It's still too big for just Yongqi and me."
"It won't be just you two for much longer."
XiaoCi laid a hand on her rounded abdomen, "I want it to be a boy."
"Oh?"
"And the next one to be a girl," XiaoCi continued.
"Hmmm...you can't mind pregnancy too much if you're already thinking of the next one."
"It'll be inevitable," XiaoCi said, a blush on her cheeks. She coughed a little before adding, "I had the benefit of guidance from an excellent older brother, I would wish the same for any daughter of mine."
"Hmmm. No wonder your brother seems such a natural."
XiaoCi rolled her eyes, "brother is unnaturally good at everything he does."
Qing-er did not disagree. "The same could be said of RongQinWang."
"It ought to be annoying, but…" XiaoCi shrugged.
Qing-er smiled more openly at the XiaoCi's look of fondness.
"I just hope my child will be as well behaved as your Nai-er," XiaoCi said, "although with how restless he has been, the chances are low." As though on cue, she winced a little and fidgeted to get more comfortable.
"Ah then you might have to start his martial training early. I've heard it is both an excellent outlet for excess energy and can instill discipline."
"Did not seem to have worked on me," XiaoCi grumbled.
Qing-er chuckled.
"Anyways, how did you find YunNan? How are QinYun jiejie and MingLiang gege?"
Qing-er obligingly embarked on tales of their family.
"He seems no worse for wear despite the months he spent with XiaoCi," FangYan whispered as they watched over the sleeping form of their son lying contentedly in his cradle.
She found it hard to tear her eyes away from their child. He had been crying when the maids brought him to them, but had quieted the moment she held him in her arms. She had been so afraid that he would not recognize them anymore. Then as now, FangYan's supporting hand on the small of her back demonstrated his understanding.
"He's grown so big."
"He has your smile," her husband responded, "and your calmness."
"Your steadiness," she protested.
He shook his head, "before XiaoCi came along, I had my own share of scrapes."
"Mother says mischievousness is a sign of a brilliant mind."
"Hmm. We shall see how our Nai-er will be when he gains both mobility and speech."
She held her breath as her son stirred and then breathed out again when he settled once more.
"We should rest too."
She thought about protesting, but she did feel fatigued from their traveling.
The water of the bath was relaxing after spending so much time on the road. Her maid's slight tugging on her hair was calming as it was dried. She hadn't realized she had dozed off until she felt a touch on her shoulder, just above the water line.
"FangYan?"
"Hmmm. I wanted to assure myself that you had not drowned."
"I'm sorry to have worried you."
He pressed a kiss to where his hand had been, "come to bed?"
She nodded and heard the shuffling as he moved to grab ahold of her gown. She stood obligingly and let him wrap it about her. She leaned her head against him as he held her bridal style in his arms.
"Qing-er…" his breath tickled her ear as he spooned her on their bed.
"It's good to be home."
"Yes…" his lips pressed against her neck.
"Were you not tired?"
"Hmmm…" he hummed against her skin.
She waited and her patience was rewarded.
"You were right to insist on accompanying me," he said softly, "the scars that battles left behind...I needed you to remind me that healing was possible, that there was still goodness and light and happiness in the world."
She had sensed that something was off, when they were reunited for the return journey. He was troubled and at times would stare into nothingness. His sleep was fractured sometimes with restlessness; he tried not to disturb her, but she had seen his figure practicing sword forms in the moonlight. She hadn't confronted him; she knew he needed time to sort through his thoughts first. And it seemed that within the safety of their home, the familiarity of their bed, he was sharing his burden at last.
"I am not ignorant of crimes that man can commit against man. I've seen the corpses and victims of moments of passion as well as cold calculated murder...but war...it is in itself a sickness, even without the pestilence that struck the soldiers."
Her fingers twisted with his and he seemed to be clinging to her.
"The poets write of glory, HuangShang is convinced of the prowess of the dynasty, and the generals can only follow orders. Who shall ever record all the names of the lost? I knew the numbers, the casualties were carefully recorded and reported; it's easy to forget that each number is a face, a son, a brother, a father, a husband."
"RongQinWang surely had such thoughts in mind when he asked for aid to be sent."
She could feel him nod. "XiaoCi's influence I think."
She did not disagree.
He sighed, "ErKang shares such thoughts, but he is more practically minded.""
"Or he just had more responsibilities to distract him." she hypothesized.
He sighed again. "It is an uneasy truce."
"But needed. For both the Qing people and the Burmese. They are fighting wars on multiple fronts from what I've heard. Their tenacity is to be admired."
"Bravery, honor, patriotism...they can be such vague concepts."
She turned to face him and saw clearly the shadows in his eyes. She pressed a kiss to his lips, "come back to me."
His smile was grim, but his eyes were less distant. "I have profound respect for your father, for leading his men and inspiring their loyalty."
"Oh?"
"Some of the captains had fought alongside him. General Fucha also knew him."
"What an understatement; he had been AhMa's mentor."
His smile grew more genuine, "no wonder I felt so scrutinized."
"He is a man of few words...although, I was only five last I saw him."
His smile broadened as he pressed a kiss to her lips, "he asked if I ever thought about a military career."
"How did you answer?"
"I told him I was satisfied with my civil duties."
"What did he say?"
"A pity."
"He approves of you then."
"So it would seem."
"It's not a small thing, to have his approval."
"I know. There are many who think you married beneath yourself. But it matters not to me; I can pretend that they're merely envious."
She chuckled at the return of his good humor.
He drew her into his arms and tucked her head beneath his chin, "I did not tell him, of course, that I am firmly tethered."
"Oh?"
"By simple loyalty to RongQinWang, by brotherly concern to XiaoCi, by paternal instinct to our Nai-er, and, most of all, by the most precious privilege to you."
She sighed contently as she closed her eyes. She could feel him press a kiss to her hair. She too was tethered, but all these ties grounded her, gave her life meaning. She smiled as she thought of the name for their future second child. Here, with FangYan, was peace.