Sacrifice: AU in which Qing-er was unable to stop XiaoJian from leaving during the southern tour
Qing-er had never really cared for the color red. It was always too bold, too bright, too garish. And yet, here she was; dressed in it, seated on it, surrounded by it. The head cloth made it so that her entire world was red.
It should be an auspicious color. The color of life, vitality, passion, and...love.
It was not how she imagined it would be.
Once upon a time, when she thought for sure she'd be marrying ErKang, her cheeks had been stained with the light pink of youthful shyness and infatuation. It was to be a gentle ripple in her life; a thought colored by fondness.
When she had dared to think about a future with XiaoJian, the idea always passed fleetingly, too wistful to take full form.
And now...red was such an unapologetic color, especially this bridal red.
But she had chosen this path, hadn't she?
She had almost run after him, despite the rain, despite her fever. Although...maybe it was because of her fever that she felt the drive to behave so uncharacteristically. But though her will was strong, her body betrayed her and she was left a sobbing mess on the floor next to her bed. She could hear the tones of alarm around her, but she could only weep, her heart too shattered to remember her manners.
Red was also the color of blood. She remembered looking at her hands and feeling surprised that her tears had not stained them.
Her heart felt too full, too engorged with the blood within it. And then, it felt too empty, as though the blood was drained from her whole body. She was delirious, she remembered hearing the TaiYi say to LaoFoYe. And she was. And not just from fever.
But she recovered in health even if her chest still felt hollow.
The redness of the flower that adorned ZhiHua's headdress jolted the paleness that had become her world. She saw the dangers, even if XiaoYanZi did not, even if Yongqi pretended not to.
ZiWei had finally told Qing-er what she knew about the Fang family. Sweet, kind-hearted ZiWei had not been able to stand the look of anguish in her friend's eyes.
LaoFoYe must have found out; the calculating gleam in her eyes was all too familiar to Qing-er. For the first time, she was glad he had left. He was a chess piece, just as she was.
She could not let LaoFoYe ruin the fairytale. She had prevented it for ZiWei and ErKang, she would prevent it for XiaoYanZi and Yongqi too. It would be harder, but she would try.
She had never spoken so frankly to anyone. But XiaoYanZi deserved to know about LaoFoYe's plans and more so, she needed to understand. In the end, XiaoYanZi and Yongqi had to have a heart to heart and Qing-er...Qing-er struck a bargain.
So here she was. LaoFoYe got to pick her bridegroom, in exchange for LaoFoYe's silence and for one more year for XiaoYanZi. It was better than what she had expected really. XiaoYanZi was resentful. This matter had destroyed forever any chance of a familial relationship with LaoFoYe, but the Fang family secret would remain so.
Red was the color of blood. And she was the sacrifice.
The door opened and she braced herself. A part of her could appreciate the irony; ChangKai was ErKang's cousin after all.
"You must be tired," his voice was kind.
"It is a long day," he added when she looked at him at last.
She watched as he undressed himself to his underclothing, but he did not make any movements to encroach her space.
"I will sleep in the chair."
"What?" She was startled to speech at last.
"I could go to the study too, but...I would spare you the gossip."
She knew well that LaoFoYe did not truly trust her as she once did. Of course some of their servants were LaoFoYe's informants.
He smiled a little, "I already have an heir, so you need not worry that I will demand anything more than companionship from you."
He settled in the chaise across the room and closed his eyes.
She knew, of course she knew, that his previous FuJin had died in childbirth. His son was two now, a darling child who was often playmates with Dong-er. She had been a little relieved when LaoFoYe had picked ChangKai. At least he wasn't a complete stranger. But this kindness, she had not expected. How much did he know, she wondered. And what must he think of her? But his gaze had held no judgement.
She moved then, to remove her own headdress and heavy outer robes. No, this is not what she had envisioned of her wedding night at all.
She glanced over at him, but he had not stirred. She bit her lip and, flipping the comforter off herself, stood.
"Husband?"
His eyes opened, his own surprise clear at her chosen appellation for him.
"We have bowed to heaven and earth, bowed to your grandmother, aunt, and uncle in your parents' stead, bowed to each other. I am your wife in the eyes of heaven and all witnesses. Even if we do not…" she paused, her cheeks growing warm and her eyes sliding to a point above his forehead, "the bed is more comfortable."
She turned and did not look to see if he followed. She had picked this path, she would not shirk her duties.
She purposefully scooted to the inside of the bed and closed her eyes. She was already half asleep when she heard the rustles as he finally slid into bed next to her.
Companionship...it was an apt word for their marriage. He had his duties to be a guard for the emperor and to train new recruits for the army. She was learning to care for a household as its sole mistress.
Their household was a small one, his parents having passed when he was young. But the Fucha family was a large one and he had many uncles and cousins to ensure that he was well cared for. His grandmother was a most capable matriarch for the clan. There were parallels between the two of them, she knew. And a joint preference for simplicity and quiet, she had discovered.
He had sat her down in his study, three days after their wedding, and patiently went over the household matters and accounts.
"Please feel free to use the funds as you see fit. If you wish to make any adjustments to the household staff, please do so."
"I have no wish to make any mistakes or cause any inconveniences."
He had smiled slightly, "I trust you. You are most sensible."
Sensible. He meant it as a compliment. She nodded in recognition.
"But it would be unfair of me simply to dump these responsibilities on you. You have already become both wife and mother in one day...I will help you with this transition."
"Thank you," she said and meant it.
It was helpful, really, to learn new responsibilities. It was good to have purpose. Her days were full, both with new duties and with getting to know her new family. There were many visitors to entertain and, in some cases, friendships to be rekindled. The two years she had spent in the temples with LaoFoYe had not only affected her expectations for marriage but had also severed some of the ties she had made with girlhood companions who had since married.
"It's good to see you smiling again," ZiWei told her thoughtfully.
There was a steady monotony to her days and it was...healing.
ZiWei smiled, as though she guessed at Qing-er's thoughts. But then, ZiWei had always been insightful enough to hear what was unspoken.
"How fares XiaoYanZi?"
"She's...restless."
Qing-er frowned.
"But she has been doing her best to behave. She may not grasp everything you tried to explain, but she understands the spirit of your sacrifice. XiaoYanZi knows when she owes a debt."
"Sacrifice," Qing-er repeated…"I do not feel like a martyr."
"No?" ZiWei honestly looked curious.
"Roaming the world is a romantic thought but...it would not have suited me."
"People are capable of change."
"I hope you're right; XiaoYanZi's future depends on her ability to adjust."
ZiWei sighed, "sometimes I wonder if we acted too absolutely; we gave ourselves no room for retreat and could only forge forward."
"I'm sure HuangShang also wonders at his madness for agreeing to match XiaoYanZi with Yongqi."
"I should have thought more about the implications."
"There were too many things to consider at the time," Qing-er said gently, "and it's in your nature to be hopeful."
"And you?"
Qing-er knew what ZiWei was asking. "I have shed enough tears, felt enough heartache for multiple lifetimes. ChangKai is good to me. It's enough."
ZiWei's scrutiny was piercing, but Qing-er firmly felt the truth of her words.
Her life had become as placid, as smooth, as the surface of the tea in their cups. Her husband did not gamble, or drink to excess, or visit houses of ill repute. They had similar tastes in literature and both enjoyed discussing the events of history. They were also equally terrible at weiqi, although that did not stop them from playing. He would sometimes bring home little trinkets that caught his eye and she had made it a habit to wipe his brow after he practiced his martial forms. And sometimes, when he smiled at her, his eyes still ever so kind, she smiled back and felt that she meant it.
ZiWei at last nodded before beginning to speak of Dong-er's progress, every word infused with the pride of a doting mother.
She saw ChangKai on the frozen pond, gliding across the surface and making twirls that made her gasp. She has seen the Skate Guard perform every year, of course, but the majesty of it never failed to impress. And it suddenly occurred to her, as the first scattering of snowflakes fell, the difference between him and the other two men in her life. ErKang and XiaoJian had both been passionate, in their sense of justice, in their morals, in the way they gave their hearts. She had been drawn to their brightness and had been burned both times. ChangKai though...he was as cool as the ice, as calm, as collected as she had once thought herself to be.
He spied her then and skated to her side, "Qing-er."
"It's snowing."
"Yes."
"Are you warm enough?"
"Yes," he said again.
"Good."
He seemed to hesitate before asking, "would you like to learn?"
"Hmm?"
He gestured down at his feet, "to skate."
"Does it not take years of training to master?"
"Simple gliding is within your capabilities, I think."
"I do not have skates."
"And if you did?"
"Why not?" she decided, "For now though, I think I'll continue enjoying your performance before the snow obscures my view."
Weeks later, when he showed her the skates with a question in his eyes, she smiled. And when she placed her hands into his as she took her first step onto the ice, she noticed that his hands were warm.
XiaoYanZi glared at her through the entirety of the banquet for ZhiHua's marriage to 6-AhGe. ChangKai noticed and sent Qing-er a concerned look. He nodded, though, when she just shook her head slightly. Their silent exchange seemed to upset XiaoYanZi even more.
She followed when LaoFoYe insisted that XiaoYanZi retire early for the sake of the twins she's carrying. XiaoYanZi looked like she would protest, but Qing-er had already maneuvered them outside. XiaoYanZi wrenched her elbow from Qing-er's hold as soon as they were out of sight of the assembly. Despite the situation, Qing-er felt some relief that XiaoYanZi was learning. They traveled in silence.
"There," XiaoYanZi said to her when they were within JinYangGong, "you've seen that I've returned safely, you can go back now."
But Qing-er stayed, "why are you angry with me?"
XiaoYanZi's expression darkened further, "shouldn't I be angry with you? It's been little more than a year and you've forgotten all about my brother."
Qing-er blinked, but XiaoYanZi's mention of XiaoJian did not cause the sharp pang she had expected. "What do you mean?"
"You…" XiaoYanZi waved a hand in a vague manner, "so easily have you gone back to being Qing-GeGe, still LaoFoYe's favorite, still the proper princess and...and a fitting bride for the Fucha family. I tried to convince myself that you were just playing a role, but...you seem much too content."
"Would you rather that I be miserable?" Qing-er rarely spoke so sharply, but she did not need XiaoYanZi's judgement, not when...not when she had chosen this path to protect her and her brother.
"I…" XiaoYanZi frowned.
"He left me." Qing-er said, her voice softer, "for good reasons, yes, but he still left. And he chose to do so when I was not in a state to object or beg him to stay."
"He would have come back." XiaoYanZi said stubbornly.
"And then what? He would never accept a court position, LaoFoYe would never accept him…"
"You could have gone with him."
"I am not like you, XiaoYanZi," Qing-er sighed. "The values and rules I have been brought up with...they are too much a part of who I am. To abandon them is to abandon a part of myself. The guilt of turning my back on everything that I am would have torn me apart."
"Yongqi…"
"He left with you, for you, yes. He sacrificed filial duty, material comforts, and all of 江山 for you. Do you not realize how rare that is for someone to sacrifice so much, particularly a prince?"
XiaoYanZi was quiet.
"I have not forgotten your brother. But I also cannot live in the past. ChangKai is...he is a good man. I am lucky. He has never forced me into anything I have no wish for, he never asks for more than what I can give. I do not love him; I have not mended my heart enough." Not yet, but she left that part unspoken.
"Why are you so sensible?" XiaoYanZi at last asked.
"How else am I to survive?"
XiaoYanZi did not respond, but Qing-er also did not expect her to.
"You should rest. Such strong emotions are exhausting and can tax even your energies."
"Qing-er?"
She turned back at the doorway to look at XiaoYanZi.
"Could we become sworn sisters?"
It was an offer of apology.
"Of course. If our friendship were to suffer because of the misfortunes of fate...well, that would be a shame, wouldn't it?"
ChangKai held her hand on their return trip. He rarely touched her without cause, as though fearful he would offend her, so the gesture was surprising...but not unwelcome.
They settled into bed, side by side as usual but before lying down, she leaned over and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek.
He breathed in sharply and looked at her questioningly.
"Good night," was all she said before closing her eyes.
"ENiang! Look!"
She laughed as she looked in the direction the child was pointing, "most impressive!"
Sitting atop his father's shoulders for a better view of the street performers, XiKe gave a cheer as another bout of fire spewed from the performer's mouth.
"Oh! AhMa! Baozi!"
"Weren't we going to let your ENiang pick? The point of this outing was to celebrate the one year anniversary of her joining our little family."
"Oh."
Qing-er did not stop smiling, "a baozi sounds brilliant."
XiKe perked up right away, "AhMa, go!"
"You really don't need to…"
She shook her head to stop him, "Someone said it's my day, no?"
He nodded, "alright. XiKe, you'll have to help me pick the plumpest one for ENiang, yes?"
"Yes, AhMa!"
She turned to claim one of the small tables near the baozi stand and promptly bumped into someone, "oh, I'm sorry sir…"
The person had already moved into the crowd, but not before she saw the hilt of a familiar looking sword and the tassel of a xiao.
"Qing-er?"
His eyes were full of concern. She forced herself to smile, "back so soon? Let me see, oh goodness, such big baozi! You did so well picking them."
XiKe smiled brightly as he reached for one with both hands, prompting his father to reach up to steady him.
"Careful now, your AhMa would not like to wear one as a hat, I think."
XiKe nodded, already happily chewing his baozi.
She laughed as she selected a bun. Instead of biting into it, however, she held it to ChangKai's lips, "you are the most tired of the three of us, and most in need of some fuel. And since XiKe has monopolized your arms, I will have to be your hands."
He took a bite, making exaggerated sounds of enjoyment for his son's sake, and making her chuckle. It was a perfect moment. She made a conscious decision to forget for the rest of the day the spectre of the past.
"He's exhausted himself," ChangKai whispered as they put an already sleeping XiKe to bed.
Qing-er kissed the child's forehead, "rest well, little one, may you dream of more plump baozi."
ChangKai chuckled at her words.
"Have you other plans in mind for the day?" She asked when they closed the door to XiKe's room.
He shook his head, "I am at your disposal."
"It's a lovely day, shall we sit in the gardens?"
"If that is your wish."
She faced him across the stone table and drew out the 香囊 she had made. It was embroidered with the 福 character.
"You had no need to…"
"As you told XiKe; it's a special day."
He tied it to his belt, "thank you."
She took a deep breath, "ask me."
"What?"
"Whatever you wish to know. I will be honest with you."
He looked at her for a long moment. But when he opened his mouth, it was not a question she had expected. "Are you happy?"
She blinked. "You have no other questions?"
He shook his head, "it doesn't matter. Who of us does not have a past? I may not have loved XiKe's mother, not the way ErKang loves MingZhuGeGe, but I was fond of her. Her passing still affected me. When LaoFoYe suggested the idea of another marriage to me, I was hesitant but...I grew up an orphan, I wanted XiKe to have a complete family. And I knew you would be kind to him."
"You had much faith."
"I thought one orphan would understand another."
"He is also an orphan. He and his sister both." He had not asked for an explanation, but she felt that he deserved one. "His father had been accused of treason, leading to the death of much of their family. The one he blames for such a loss remains alive, but for his sister's sake, he gave up the road of vengeance. For her happiness, he sacrificed his own." It was a gross simplification; she knew she wasn't doing the story justice. But what was the point of harping on details?
"You loved him," he stated it matter of factly.
"Yes." To answer in any other way would be wrong.
"Do you still love him?"
"A part of me always will, I think."
He nodded, as though he had expected her answer. "You also sacrificed your happiness for his sister's sake."
"No."
"No?"
"In the beginning, perhaps I thought that way. But…I am not unhappy."
He seemed like he did not wish to ask, but felt obliged to, "If he returned, would you go with him?"
She took another deep breath, "No. I told his sister...I cannot live in the past. Time only ever flows forward. And I am content. With you, with XiKe, my life has purpose, has meaning. Most marriages are not based on love. I have always known ZiWei and XiaoYanZi to be exceptions. Still...I am luckier than most in my position. Besides...even if I were unhappy, I would never allow such dishonor to befall you, nor the Fucha family."
"You display remarkable strength."
"I'm merely being sensible."
He shook his head, "ErKang told me about you, when first LaoFoYe told me her intentions. He recommended that I also speak to MingZhuGeGe." He reached into his own sleeve and pulled out a hairpin. "They said you were a flame, hidden within an icicle."
She looked at the fire opal, at the hints of red and orange within the pearly luminescent of the stone.
"It's an apt description, I think." He said.
She turned it this way and that so that the flecks of color caught the light. She looked up to meet his eyes, "will you put it in my hair?"
He hesitated but then took it from her hands and stood.
"Lovely," he told her when she turned in her seat to face him after it was placed.
She was looking up at him, fully feeling the intimacy of the moment. Objectively, he was a handsome man. All the Fuchas were really. She could love him, she decided. Maybe not with the same all or nothing desperation and lack of self control, but in a more steady, gentle, hopefully longer lasting way. And it wouldn't even be wrong. But...marriages really weren't based on love in her world.
"If you should like to increase the size of the household…being married to me does not prevent you from doing so."
He frowned in confusion for a moment.
"Enough time has passed. I can talk to LaoFoYe so that even she could not object." It was ironic and oddly satisfying, the thought that she could use the same excuse to her advantage that LaoFoYe had once thought to use to force WuAhGe to accept ZhiHua.
"I told you I desired no more than companionship. I have found it in you."
"Still...you are free to form attachments of...of other forms." She wished his eyes didn't remain so kind; she had difficulty pushing away the urge to look away.
"Ah."
She could feel her hands twisting together.
"You…" he paused before continuing, "you, me, XiKe...it's a peaceful existence."
"It's not a sacrifice," he added at her doubtful look. "I deal with enough squabbles among the new recruits and the palace guards unsatisfied with their shift schedules; I have no wish to invite similar drama into my own home."
She had never thought of such a comparison and told him as much.
He resumed his seat opposite her, "I have eight uncles and many more cousins; I have seen the variety of home lives that can exist. I've long thought that the simplest one would be best."
"A most practical approach."
"I've always been taught to make decisions based on reason."
"Fitting for a soldier."
"It can be beneficial for even a soldier to be capable of sentiment."
"Oh?"
"The bonds of brotherhood unites a squadron. I see it sometimes, when the men band together against a poor captain or general."
"And what kind of captain are you?"
"Not one of those, I hope."
"I wonder what my AhMa was like as a general."
"Ah. I can tell you. He was much respected; he inspired loyalty because he treated his men as people. There's a tale that he would always meet with each captured deserter to find out their reason for escape. He liked to say that the army was a second home for many; as such, he needed to know what was lacking that they would leave."
"You know more about my AhMa than I do."
"Oh?"
"He was always this mysterious figure," she explained, "I remembered he had this booming laugh, not unlike HuangShang's actually. But he was never home long enough for me to know him. He was always just AhMa."
"Your quiet strength comes from your ENiang then."
"ENiang…" Qing-er smiled in memory, "ENiang was my world. She was always so full of laughter. And always so patient, even when I ruined many samplers with knotted threads or hid about the estate instead of practicing my calligraphy." Her smile faded as she thought on her last memory of her mother, "in retrospect, ENiang was just good at hiding her loneliness. Or she just ensured that I never saw it."
"I'm sorry."
She shook her head, "as you said, one orphan understands another."
He looked thoughtful. "Would you like me to tell you more about your AhMa?"
"Please."
She had expected ZiWei's visit.
"He's in the city, isn't he?"
"How did you…"
"I saw him in the streets," she said simply.
"He asked if you were well."
"And what did you say?"
"The truth."
"So he's leaving again."
"He has no wish to endanger XiaoYanZi, particularly in her current state."
"I'm glad his conviction to protect her remains strong."
"Qing-er…he has not left yet."
Qing-er knew what ZiWei meant. "I am married now. To meet him privately would hardly be proper."
"Don't you want to see him?"
"I would be lying if I said no. But...what purpose would it serve? A clean break is better for both of us. Besides, I did see him and he saw me. With ChangKai and XiKe no less."
"Ah. No wonder his resigned demeanor."
And suddenly Qing-er grew angry, "resigned? He left me. If anyone is resigned, it was me. What right does he have to behave as a ghost and haunt my footsteps? He made me choose and I did. He tried to convince me otherwise when my decision did not suit him and I let him. Only for him to take the decision out of my hands again."
As quickly as it came, the bitterness faded. What was the use of anger? "He has become my past, where he will stay."
"Is such a clear delineation necessary?"
"For the sake of self preservation, yes."
"You and ChangKai…" ZiWei asked after a pause.
"Are getting to know each other still. There is no hurry; time is on my side for once."
"You are able to remain friends with ErKang," ZiWei commented hesitantly.
"ErKang never promised me forever."
"Qing-er…"
"XiaoJian never did either, not really. But I don't need empty promises. I need stability and understanding and patience."
"And love?"
"Love is not a necessity."
ZiWei looked like she wanted to protest, but she kept her peace.
"Love does not have to be painful," Qing-er said less severely, "nor does it have to be so brilliant that it's blinding. It can be like the embers in a hearth, providing a steady source of warmth."
"Do you love ChangKai?"
It was a deceptively simple question.
"XiaoYanZi would think it a betrayal if I do."
"You are not beholden to her. Besides, XiaoYanZi does not truly wish you to be unhappy. She just hates feeling hopeless. And she's just never been very good at dealing with her emotions. The twin pregnancy is just worsening her lability."
"Poor WuAhGe."
"He has always been patient with her."
"As ChangKai is with me."
"Ah," ZiWei said no more.
"I am growing fond of him," Qing-er nonetheless clarified.
"ErKang says ChangKai is the most steady of all his cousins."
"Some of the uncles see it as a lack of ambition, unusual in a Fucha."
"He married you."
Qing-er inclined her head, "AhMa's name still has worth. ENiang also came from a military family."
"Should he become a general…"
"It is my duty as his wife to support him."
"Selfishly, I hope ErKang does not have such ambitions."
"Surely he knows how you feel about waiting."
"As you say, it is my duty as his wife to support him."
Qing-er shook her head, "it's different. Ever since he decided he wanted you, you have risen to the top of his priorities. I would envy you except I know how rare such dedication is."
"I would feel guilty restricting him from his goals."
"ErKang's chief goal is to ensure your happiness. That was the biggest change I saw, when I returned from the temples. His ambitions were rechanneled. And we both know him to be capable of achieving all that he sets his mind to."
"Did you never blame me?"
"Of course I did. But...he would have never made such a change for me." She smiled to diffuse the somber atmosphere, "both of you are my friends; to have enabled your happiness remains one of my proudest achievements."
"I still think you deserve a love all your own."
"Who's to say I still can't? ChangKai does not intend to bring any other women into the household."
"You believe him?"
"We may just have obligation and duty to bind us, but I choose to believe him."
"Still…"
"And he took me at my word that I will not leave, even should the opportunity present itself. If we cannot have even such basic trust between us, then what hope do I have for this marriage to succeed?"
"Sometimes I am glad that HuangAhMa never brought my mother back with him."
"Oh?"
"XiaoYanZi was right. Mother was too weak; she would have never survived the royal harem."
"I think you could though."
ZiWei blinked.
"Adversity has a way of building strength. You certainly saw enough troubles during your time in the palace."
ZiWei smiled in self-deprecating manner, "Without ErKang, I would not have survived. He has always been my pillar. I did not think I deserved his love, his care...but he gave it to me anyways. It drove me to want to be worthy of him."
"I've always wondered that XiaoYanZi does not share similar drive."
"XiaoYanZi…she does seem to take WuAhGe for granted, doesn't she? But...she's never had anyone but herself to consider, not until she met me. I do not make light of her care of those in DaZaYuan, but she never had true responsibilities until I entrusted her with my secret and my mission."
"You make too many excuses for her."
"As you did for XiaoJian?"
"Independence can be a double edged sword." ZiWei added when Qing-er kept quiet.
"The green reed which bends in the wind is stronger than the mighty oak which breaks in a storm." Qing-er quoted.
"You're saying I am a reed and she an oak?"
"Are you not?"
"As are you."
QIng-er smiled, "XiaoYanZi is a bird."
"But even she knows that flying away is no longer an option."
"Does she?"
"She has no wish for her children to grow up the way she did."
"Ah."
"XiaoYanZi is many things, but she genuinely has a fondness for children. For all that she romanticizes the freedom she had, she is not blind to the discomforts of her youth."
"XiKe is very fond of his aunty."
"And fairly adores you."
"He is an easy child to care for."
"Have you ever thought of having a child of your own?"
"XiKe is my child in all the ways that matter."
ZiWei hid a smile at the defensiveness of Qing-er tone. "It is to your credit that you love him so much."
"He is an easy child to care for," Qing-er repeated.
"My question still stands."
"I...I have not thought about it. ChangKai and I...we have not…" Qing-er flushed; it was the first time she had told this particular secret to someone.
"Oh." ZiWei blinked, "oh. When you said he had been patient…"
"Hence why I asked if he wished to increase the size of the household."
"Well." ZiWei paused, "I am less worried now."
"What do you mean?"
"You are not the only one who's willing to give this marriage a chance."
"I...I had not thought of it that way."
ZiWei smiled, "And that is why you have friends."
Qing-er smiled back, "yes."
It still took her months to gather the courage. They had gone that day to JinYangGong to offer their congratulations.
"Was XiKe as precious as MianYi and Nan-er?" Qing-er asked him as their carriage rolled in the direction of home.
"More so," he said with a smile, "though I am of course biased."
She chuckled. "It's hard to imagine him so tiny."
"His cries belied his small size."
"What was it like, raising him by yourself?"
"Hmm...I was inundated by advice, of course. Grandmother even offered to move in."
Qing-er smiled; she could easily imagine the Fucha matriarch doing so. "How did you keep them at bay?"
"I couldn't. It's an impossibility," he admitted, "but I like to think I was able to prove myself eventually."
"Have you thought about having more children?"
"Qing-er?"
"You are an excellent AhMa," she stated quietly.
"XiKe does not lack for cousins," he said at last.
"But there's something to be said about having siblings. Growing up, I often wished to have a companion."
"I…" he swallowed, "watching you with XiKe, how easily he has accepted you as his ENiang...I would be lying if I say I have never given thought to it."
"And?"
"And...I do not expect it of you."
"But if I'm willing?"
"Are you?"
"I…" she looked at her hands before looking up to meet his eyes, "let me try something?"
He nodded.
"Close your eyes, please." She didn't know if her courage would stay if he continued to watch her.
He did as she bid.
She paused a moment before leaning forward and pressing her lips briefly to his. She resumed her seat and noticed that his eyes were open once more.
"Qing-er?"
"I am not saying no."
He reached for her hand hesitantly and she moved to lay her head on his shoulder.
"Is this alright?"
"Yes," she answered, "we'll go slow?"
"Of course."
The passing of Fucha matriarch was a blow to her whole family. Even after the death of her husband, she had held the family together through tenacity and a determined mind. Though she walked with a cane, there was very little that her sharp eyes missed.
Qing-er wrapped her arms about her husband with no hesitation after the messenger left. She knew no words needed to be spoken. And he...he clung to her, his shoulders shaking with his grief.
Later, she wiped at his tears before going to fetch a towel to clean the remnants from his face. He let her fuss, having by now become more comfortable with such familiarity.
"Tell me about her," she said softly when both her handkerchief and the towel had been put away.
And so he did.
She said very few words, just letting him talk. He found it cathartic, and the sharp pain in his heart became less piercing. He even found himself smiling at times when she chuckled at a funny or silly anecdote.
"Thank you," he grasped both her hands in his, when his voice was in danger of becoming hoarse.
She pressed a kiss to his cheek, "Let me pour you some water."
"I've been assigned to be under Uncle FuHeng's command," he told her.
She froze.
He watched as she put down her comb; he could see her stricken expression clearly reflected.
"When?" she asked at last, meeting his eyes in the mirror.
"In two weeks."
She took a few deep breaths before turning to look at him, "what provisions should I prepare for you?"
"Qing-er…"
"It is your duty." she said softly, "XiKe and I will pray for you, every day."
"Qing-er…" he raised her to her feet and gathered her into his arms.
"Come back to me," she whispered.
He had no words of comfort to offer; he knew it was a promise he could not in good conscience make. Instead, he captured her lips in his. He had been so careful with her, respecting her comfort level and reading her body language as well as he could. He was good at it; such a skill made him a capable fighter after all. She returned his kiss without any hesitancy, even when he deepened it.
He lifted her into his arms and walked towards their bed. His hands roamed and she let them.
"Qing-er…" his fingers played with a button; it would be new territory for them. He had traced her form, but always with a layer of cloth in place.
She looked up at him trustingly and just nodded.
His hands were warm as they passed over her shoulders and arms. He did no more than remove her shirt, but it was already more undressed than she had ever been in front of him. He kissed her again, his hands continuing to leave trails of tingling along the skin revealed to him.
When he brushed against the edges of her doudou, she made an involuntary sound.
His hands left her at once, "I'm sorry."
"Don't be," she opened her eyes to look into his, "it's only new."
"But not unpleasant?"
"Not at all."
He returned her smile before pressing his lips to hers again.
"ChangKai...will you..."
"No," he murmured against her neck, his breath making her tremble, "you are not yet ready."
"But…"
She fell silent as he pressed kisses along her collarbone and then trailed his lips lower across the top swell of her breasts just above the edge of her dudou. She made a whimpering sound again, surprising even herself.
He drew away from her then and busied himself with tucking the comforter about her. She turned to face him when he also laid down.
"How long?"
"At least five months, likely longer."
"XiKe will miss you."
"He has you to keep him company."
"I will miss you." It was harder to admit out loud, but she felt that it needed to be said.
He kissed her lightly, "I am not gone yet."
She nodded and let him gather her close.
"It's the first time that I will be leaving for battle with any real 牽掛," she heard him whisper.
It was enough.
"ENiang…" XiKe tugged on her hand and she smiled down at him softly.
"Listen carefully, XiKe."
He scrunched his face in concentration, causing her smile to broaden.
The sound of marching feet soon announced the troops' arrival.
Set against the grey sky, even the yellow and red of the flags were muted. The soldiers looked much more bedraggled and much fewer in number compared to the ones who left.
The emperor was somber of face as he received General Fucha Fuheng. She knew that HuangShang was not particularly happy about the truce that had been obtained but she could sift through the information she managed to gather that it was probably for the best. That so many managed to return at all was a miracle.
ChangKai had written letters, vaguely worded in case they fell into enemy hands, and they had helped sustain her as the expected five months became longer. And then all news had ceased. Not only for her but even for the emperor. All lines of communication had been cut off.
When ErKang had visited after a morning court session with such a serious demeanor, she could immediately tell that he had important news. She gently bid the nursemaid take XiKe back to his room. He was an obedient child and, in the past months, had become more attuned to his mother.
Only when she was certain that XiKe was out of earshot did she turn to ErKang. "What is it?"
"He's alive."
Such a short phrase, but her world righted itself again. "When?"
He knew what she meant. "They just recently began their retreat, so likely a few more months."
She nodded, "Thank you for bringing me the news."
"Qing-er…"
She mustered a small smile, "He's alive. Whatever state he'll be in...he's my husband, I will support him."
He nodded, "ZiWei would visit…"
"But she's grown to a size that would make it inconvenient. I'll bring XiKe to XueShiFu, he's been growing restless, cooped up indoors as he has been. I expect Dong-er to be in a similar state." Her own words reminded her of her manners, "forgive me, you must be cold."
She was about to pour him a cup of warm water but he shook his head, "ZiWei is waiting for me."
"Keep warm."
"Same to you."
Another tug on her hand brought her back to the present. She lifted XiKe into her arms so that he could see. He was really getting a bit too heavy for her, but she had insisted on his presence and LaoFoYe had been lenient. She saw her husband scanning the crowd. His form was still hidden beneath the armor, but his face seemed so much more gaunt, particularly shadowed by his helmet. But when his eyes met hers, his expression softened. She smiled, valiantly keeping her relieved tears at bay. He was alive.
XiKe behaved himself through the entirety of the ceremony, but as soon as they were given leave to return home, he had run towards his father, "AhMa!"
ChangKai held his son in his arms, a wide grin on his face, "Have you been good for your ENiang?"
"The best!" XiKe declared with certainty.
ChangKai raised an eyebrow, "really?"
"Really," Qing-er answered.
"Qing-er," he said, and there was so much meaning in those two little syllables.
She smiled, "let's go home."
XiKe was impatient to show his father his newly gained ability to hold the brush and make funny little pictures. He had also learned to hop and kick and even some easy punches.
"He must have kept you busy," ChangKai said to Qing-er as XiKe pointed out random characters that he recognized from the book of Tang poems.
"He helped time pass more quickly."
He reached over and squeezed her hand before XiKe pouted and demanded his father's attention again.
"I think someone's ready for a nap."
XiKe shook his head stubbornly even as his eyes fought to stay open.
"Come on, little one," ChangKai picked him up.
"AhMa going away again?"
"No. Not for a while," ChangKai stated.
"Good." XiKe loosened his hold on his father's shirt, enabling ChangKai to put him into bed. "ENiang was sad."
"Was she?"
The child nodded, "she cried."
"Did she?"
XiKe nodded again, "but I made her smile again."
"I'm glad."
"AhMa?" XiKe's eyes were closed already.
"Yes?"
"I like ENiang."
He smiled, "me too, XiKe, me too."
He stayed with his son until XiKe's breathing grew into the steady pattern of sleep.
He found Qing-er checking the temperature of the water in the tub. "Oh, I'll come back."
"No, I'm already done, this is for you." She dried her hand on a hanging towel.
"Qing-er?"
"You've travelled long; I thought a bath would help with your weariness."
"Thank you."
She nodded and made to depart.
"Wait."
She looked down at his hand, which had grabbed ahold of her elbow.
"Stay."
Her eyes widened as she looked at him sharply.
"Just...be here?"
She nodded.
She stayed on her side of the screen until she heard the sounds of him sliding into the water. He was facing away from her, but she could already see fading bruises on his arms and shoulders.
Her sound of distress made him turn towards her.
"It's alright. I still have all my limbs."
Her expression plainly told him that she did not appreciate his attempt at dark humor.
"The physical wounds do not bother me; I was far more afraid I would catch the sickness, as Uncle FuHeng did."
"Did you?"
"No. I was one of the lucky ones. My position also meant that I had enough to eat."
She frowned as she took in the part of his torso that was visible above the waterline. It should have been strange to see him like this, but she didn't feel awkward at all, just concerned.
"We were trapped," he said softly, "isolated. They could have easily annihilated us. But they recognized that another defeat would have just stiffened HuangShang's resolve to conquer Burma. And should that happen, he would not be kind. Better to arrange for peace when they had the upper hand. The men...in the end, even the most hot blooded ones had been defeated by hunger and pestilence and the continued loss of comrades."
"ErKang says HuangShang plans to build up the fortifications along the border still," she said as she passed him a washcloth.
"It is fortunate that he does not intend to staff them with Bannermen."
"You mean…"
"There are few generals who have Uncle FuHeng's expertise when it comes to the borders."
"He did not look well," Qing-er observed.
"He has not told HuangShang...but the army physicians are positive that the fever he experienced will return."
"Oh no."
"It's ironic that a man of Uncle FuHeng's stature and capabilities should be struck down by pestilence. I know he'd rather perish on the battleground."
"Do you share his preference?"
"Yes," he answered without hesitation, "the only thing that gives me unease is the thought that I would not be able to say goodbye."
"XiKe is an intuitive child."
"I did not mean just to XiKe." He held her gaze steadily.
"Do not neglect your hair," she whispered.
He nodded.
"May I?"
He nodded again.
She reached and untied the end of his braid and threaded her fingers through his hair. She rose, "I'll go fetch a comb."
In her absence, he cleaned himself more thoroughly before sliding fully into the water and allowing it to soak through his hair.
"ChangKai?"
Her voice made him resurface. "I can swim," he said at her worried expression.
"I feared you had fallen asleep," she said as she knelt at the side of the tub again.
"Not yet."
"May I?"
"Of course." He rung the water from his hair before resettling so that it hung over the edge of the tub.
She used a combination of her fingers and the comb to sort through the knots. "It's not as bad as I feared it would be," she murmured.
"Hmm?" the soothing sensation was lulling him into a tranquil state.
"Although, Uncle FuHeng is well known in the family for his obsessive need to be clean. I suppose he would have expected the same of those under his command. Quite odd for an army general."
"Grandmother said that's always been his 怪癖, ever since he was young. Everything had its place, his belongings had to be placed just so," he answered.
"Who shall succeed him?"
"Who truly can?"
"Someone will have to."
He realized then her unspoken question. "Cousin MingRui might have, if he hadn't been defeated in Maymyo. MingRan is just as capable."
"Hmm." She said no more as she continued to pass the comb through his hair but he could still feel her relief.
"Qing-er," he was loath to interrupt her movements.
"Hmmm?"
"The water is cooling."
"Oh." She pulled her hands away and stood. "I'll leave you then."
"Please stay," he said quickly before she could move further.
"ChangKai?"
Her eyes held genuine confusion.
"I...I do not wish to be alone."
Her expression softened as she nodded.
Nonetheless, her back was turned as he made quick work of rinsing, drying, and dressing himself.
"Qing-er."
She opened her eyes and blushed at his closeness.
He took a step even closer and, when she didn't back away, tentatively wrapped his arms about her. She leaned into him contently and his hold tightened in response.
"Qing-er…" he had tilted her chin up with his fingers, an unspoken question in his eyes.
"ChangKai." She answered firmly.
Her lips were as soft as he remembered. She gave no protests as he scooped her into his arms, nor when he laid her down on their bed. Kissing her brought him comfort and peace. The harshness of battle and the weariness of the aftermath seemed to fade with her in his arms.
She seemed to understand as she cupped her hand against his cheek when the need for breathing finally forced him to part from her. "You're home now."
He pressed a kiss to her palm before bringing her into his arms again, "yes."
He was given a small reprieve before resuming his pre-battle duties. In that week, he resettled into the role of husband and father. He found it an easy transition. There was some awkwardness, of course, as he had been gone for almost a year, but both he and Qing-er adapted quickly.
In those idle days, he had the opportunity to observe her as she moved about the estate and interacted with both their staff and visiting family members. She was graceful, composed, yet always kind. She ran the estate with an efficiency and certainty that was encouraging and reassuring to see. He hadn't been wrong to trust that she would do well even in his absence.
He had made a good choice, he knew. For XiKe, for his estate, for the Fucha family. And, yes, for himself as well. Including in ways he had not expected.
He did not think himself to be a sentimental man; he definitely was not capable of sweeping declarations or poetic sweet nothings. Not the way he knew ErKang was.
Of course he had known of the expectations for ErKang to marry Qing-GeGe. The whole family was aware of it. All the drama that had ensued with HuanZhuGeGe and MingZhuGeGe had been ripe fodder for gossip and speculations. Qing-GeGe was painted as a victim and many aunties had clicked their tongues at ErKang's fickleness. But then ErKang had not only escaped prison and abetted criminals but had also abandoned everything to run away with MingZhuGeGe. The family offered their pity to his parents but of course did all they could to prevent others from speaking badly of ErKang. For the sake of the family, of course.
ChangKai knew that ErKang's return was a relief for their grandmother. That MingZhuGeGe knew to personally visit to pay her respects and offer her apologies did much to placate the old lady. And in the first two years she was ErKang's wife, MingZhuGeGe never did anything improper. She had even managed to produce a son. The emperor's favor also did not lessen. All the troubles from the past seemed to have truly passed.
And then of course the southern tour had happened. The empress's return in disgrace was met with mixed emotions. She had after all replaced a Fucha as empress. The Fucha family on principle was obliged to show some coolness. But some of the aunties had again shaken their heads at the fickleness of men. The rumors that Qing-GeGe had formed an attachment to a common guard was less circulated; no one dared risk LaoFoYe's wrath after all. Still, ChangKai had heard his grandmother mutter about what a pity it was that they had not been able to incorporate such a lovely young lady into the family when they had the chance.
He hadn't thought much about his grandmother's comment until LaoFoYe herself asked for an audience. And then ErKang had come for a visit.
He wasn't particularly close with ErKang, but he could claim to be friendly, particularly as XiKe and Dong-er were so close in age. ErKang had appointed himself QingGeGe's older brother and shared with ChangKai the reason.
"I appreciate your honesty," ChangKai had said, "but I fail to see how it applies to me still."
"ZiWei and I had a talk...we think you are the best choice for Qing-er."
"Why?" He had no objections really, but neither did he feel it was really necessary to marry again.
"ZiWei is very fond of XiKe. And he seems to like Qing-er well enough."
"Qing-GeGe has a reputation for kindness."
"Yes...and XiKe can make Qing-er smile."
"Is that important?"
"Qing-er…" ErKang paused, "Qing-er was ill during the southern tour. Concurrently she had suffered a great loss. Her recovery has been...slow. She doesn't speak much about it, not even to ZiWei, but she is still hurting."
"I see."
"She has chosen the road of sacrifice again, this time to enable Yongqi and XiaoYanZi to have their storybook ending." ErKang sighed, knowing his cousin wasn't one to care for court gossip. "Regardless, we think XiKe would be good for her. She has a caring disposition, is capable of giving so much love, and would treat him well. I know grandmother has also made comments about XiKe needing a mother, particularly should you be sent to battle again."
ChngKai could read between the lines well enough. It was safe for QingGeGe to love XiKe.
Did he wish to involve himself with these matters? Events and rumors always seemed to surround the two commoners turned princesses and those who associated with them. Ah, but the family was already involved, wasn't it? And he had no objections against Qing-GeGe herself. She was reportedly intelligent and sweet and all that was proper. Which would be expected of a princess raised by LaoFoYe. The brief times he had come in contact with her left no strong impressions either favorable or unfavorable. Besides, he knew that grandmother would continue to pester him. That she had kept quiet and not picked another bride for him already was already an unexpected miracle. Grandmother and LaoFoYe also shared a mutual respect. If not Qing-GeGe, then no doubt someone else will be appointed to him.
Finally, he inclined his head, "it would be a beneficial alliance for the family."
"ZiWei and I also think of you as a junzi...we know you would treat Qing-er well."
"You have no need to flatter me."
"I speak to you frankly," ErKang responded. "Unlike many of our other cousins, you have never offered censure for the decisions I have made."
"I was not confronted with those circumstances, it would be unfair of me to offer judgement."
ErKang nodded, as though ChangKai's comment had confirmed a thought, "hence I know you would not hold Qing-er's source of sorrow against her."
"I only ask," he added, "that you be patient with her. Qing-er is dutiful, she will be a good mother, a filial granddaughter, a responsible mistress of the estate."
ChengKai understood what was unspoken. "I would never force Qing-GeGe to do anything with which she is uncomfortable, even for the sake of duty. Besides, I already have XiKe."
"Good." ErKang seemed reassured.
"You have much faith in my integrity," ChangKai observed.
"Yes," ErKang said simply.
ChangKai remembered seeing the resigned determination on Qing-GeGe's face when he flipped the red cloth from her head. He could feel the trembling of her arm as they drank the ceremonial wine. And yet still she remained sitting there, tense though she was. He found that he could feel admiration for her bravery.
It wasn't difficult to let her know that he knew this marriage was one of convenience. He could tell she was relieved, even though her surprise overshadowed it. As time passed, he found it was easy to settle into companionship. It was...nice, actually, to have someone waiting when he returned home, to have someone with whom to converse, to have someone share the burden of parenthood. Until then, he hadn't realized his loneliness since his first wife's death.
ErKang had been right. XiKe easily adored Qing-er; ChangKai might have felt like it was a betrayal but for his relief. And Qing-GeGe...she did seem to gradually lose her melancholy as the days passed.
He truly hadn't expected her to ask if he wished to have mistresses or concubines. Traditionally, the Manchus were a monogamous culture. It was a custom his grandfather had followed even if not all his uncles did. ChangKai himself had never been one to seek out pleasures of the flesh, not the way some of his cousins did. He wondered if that was another reason ErKang had decided he was a good choice for Qing-er.
He wasn't sure when she became Qing-er rather than Qing-GeGe in his mind. She had asked that he call her by her name, their first morning as husband and wife, and he had complied. He had no wish for her to feel more uncomfortable than she must already have been. But the shift in thought was likely inevitable; they did share the same living quarters and the same bed. It was an unspoken acknowledgement that they knew that both LaoFoYe and his grandmother likely had servants keeping eyes on this marriage. It was no hardship adjusting to her presence at all. He found her to be of an organized and orderly disposition, just like himself. He had actually gotten used to the warmth of her body at his side and found himself missing it the few times she went into the palace to keep LaoFoYe company.
It took longer for him to admit that he was attracted to her. It was an unnecessary complication, really, even though she was beautiful. He caught himself wondering, sometimes, what it would be like to kiss her. How would she react? He was able to shove such thoughts aside for the most part. Even though….it wasn't wrong exactly, she was his wife and there were moments during which their marriage felt less a technicality and more...real. Especially after she told him that she would stay. But he had told her he expected only companionship and he was a man of his word.
It never occurred to him that she would make the first move. It was no more than a brush of her lips against his, but the sense of want that suddenly washed over him caught him off guard. He moved carefully, both for her sake and his own.
It was a new chapter in their relationship, one that was rudely interrupted by the war. She couldn't know how tempting it was for him to take her before he left. But he did not believe in rushing matters just because he might not return.
And now that he had returned...it was more than attraction, he decided. He truly was fond of her. Might even...love her. But what was love, really? The rush of affection he felt, the fondness he felt and peacefulness he derived from her company, was that love? But did it really matter? He and Qing-er were husband and wife, it was a reality that would not change. Whatever was between them, it worked. Here with XiKe and Qing-er, he was home.
Red was the color of blood. And there was too much of it in the clothes that came out of the birthing room. Yongqi and ChangKai both had to physically restrain ErKang from entering.
"I need to be with her," ErKang's eyes told clearly his torture, particularly as ZiWei gave another scream from within.
"The taiyi's are with her."
"You don't understand," ErKang begged.
"MingZhuGeGe is strong, she will make it through."
But ErKang continued to struggle.
Such was the scene that met Qing-er when she stepped out.
"Qing-er…"
"The child was in breech position," Qing-er shared matter of factly, "but the taiyi managed to turn it. It's still not in the proper position, but ZiWei has a chance to deliver safely."
"All the blood…"
"It's not a large chance," Qing-er admitted honestly.
ErKang paled.
"But the taiyis are hopeful. ZiWei is strong, believe in her. It is not yet time to go to pieces."
ErKang nodded at her stern tone.
Qing-er spared a glance at her husband who also nodded before she went out of sight again.
ErKang still paced, but his demeanor was calmer. And then, there was the sound of a baby's cry.
ErKang stood stalk still, just staring at the doorway.
Qing-er walked through, a bundle in her arms, "come meet you daughter."
ErKang took one step forward but then asked, "ZiWei…"
"Is understandably exhausted. The taiyis say it'll take her at least a year to recover fully."
"But she's well?"
Qing-er nodded, "Yes."
Only then did ErKang take the bundle into his arms, "my little girl…"
Qing-er smiled at the sweet sight. Ah, the newest member of the Fucha family already had her father firmly wrapped around her little fingers.
Later, she woke up in a bed and frowned; she must have fallen asleep on the ride home.
She found ChangKai in the study, bent over a map. He looked up at the sound of her footsteps, "did you rest well?"
She nodded, "you could have woken me."
"You looked much too peaceful. Besides, you're not exactly heavy." He rolled up the map, "I do apologize for the liberty I took."
"Liberty?"
He gestured at her vaguely.
She looked down at herself, "oh." He must have undressed her before putting her into bed. Her natural reaction was to blush but then she stopped herself. Why was she embarrassed? He had seen her in far more scandalous states. Besides, he was her husband. Which reminded her.
"How are you?"
"What do you mean?"
"What happened today...it must have brought back painful memories."
"Ah." He looked thoughtful for a moment, "it was different. I was also fearful, but nowhere near the level of ErKang's anguish. Had something truly happened to ZiWei, I worry that Dong-er would have been left an orphan."
"The depth of their feelings for each other still astounds me," Qing-er admitted, "even in the most critical moments, ZiWei told me to go calm ErKang."
"I can admire them, even if I don't understand it."
Qing-er smiled a little sadly, "what they share...who can hope to replicate it?"
"Do you wish you could?" They didn't often talk of such things, but he genuinely felt curious.
"Once upon a time, maybe. But...such a deep connection seems so exhausting, doesn't it?"
"Qing-er…"
"I mean it," she said firmly, "I really am not so fond of drama."
"Neither am I."
"I know."
Looking at her smile, he felt an urge to go to her. And so he did.
"Thank you for worrying about me," he said into her hair.
She smiled as she wrapped her arms about his waist as she said simply, "You are my husband."
He loosened his hold and looked down into her eyes, "even after today...seeing what ZiWei went through...you would still give XiKe siblings?"
"Despite her exhaustion, despite her tears...the moment that ZiWei saw her daughter...I have never seen such pure emotions. I do love XiKe as though he is my own, but…"
He recalled the first moment he had held his son in his arms and understood. "What I mean to ask is...you still wish to have a child with me?"
"You are my husband." She repeated.
"I told you once, it is a duty I do not expect you to fulfill. I still mean it."
"It would not just be a duty."
He cradled her face in his hands, marveling again at her bravery. He remembered then what ErKang had said about her ability to love. "Qing-er…"
"Yes?"
"I…"
She put a finger to his lips, "I don't need words. They do not become you anyways."
He pulled her finger away with one hand and grabbed ahold of her waist with the other. It seemed the right moment to kiss her.
Scooping her up in his arms again, he looked into her eyes searchingly, giving her a last chance to stop him.
But she just smiled and wrapped her arms about his neck.
It was still dark out when he woke. He saw her sleeping visage next to his and spent a moment just looking at her. He was glad they had taken their time before last night to get to each other physically. It made for a far less awkward first time than when he had married XiKe's mother. He had remembered to warn her about the pain, but she had just looked back at him steadily and said, "I trust you."
He had almost forgotten how good it felt. From the sounds Qing-er made, he rather thought he wasn't the only one to experience pleasure. He knew the act served a practical purpose, but it was an intimacy that bound them together now in a different way.
She stirred a little before blinking up at him sleepily.
"I'm sorry if I woke you. Go back to sleep."
She nodded as her eyes closed again and she snuggled into him.
He couldn't help but press a kiss to her forehead before closing his own eyes. Even soldiers were capable of sentiment.
"You look different," ZiWei told her when she went to XueShiFu once the taiyis finally allowed visitors.
"Do I?"
ZiWei tilted her head, "Yes."
"You still look much too pale," Qing-er observed.
"Hu Taiyi says it'll take time to recover the blood lost. He's prescribed supplements to help."
"How's little YunXi?"
"Growing steadily despite a rather rough beginning."
"She's strong, just like her mother."
ZiWei returned Qing-er's smile.
"How does Dong-er feel about becoming an older brother?" Qing-er asked.
"He's a little petulant, since she's taking some of the attention away from him."
Qing-er chuckled, "I wonder if XiKe will be the same way."
"Qing-er?"
"Not yet," Qing-er told her friend, "but maybe someday soon."
"I see."
"It feels like both everything and nothing has changed."
"You are happy." It was a statement, not a question.
Qing-er just smiled again.
Qing-er didn't visit JinYangGong as often as she did XueShiFu. Though she and XiaoYanZi had completed the ceremony to become sworn sisters, they were different enough that their friendship was not as close as the one she shared with ZiWei. But when WuAhGe was named RongQinWang when the twins turned six months old, XiaoYanZi found herself suddenly managing a new estate in addition to raising her twins. It was a level of responsibility that was overwhelming for an orphan who was used to surviving with very few material belongings. In addition, XiaoYanZi had been most unlike herself after the twins were born. Her smiles and laughter grew less and she became more weepy and subdued. The taiyis said they saw it sometimes in new mothers and perhaps more often in dual pregnancies.
XiaoYanZi herself noticed and had sniffled in a frustrated manner that she was turning into ZiWei with how much worrying her mind did. ZiWei and Qing-er had of course rallied around their friend. Qing-er in particular found it helpful to distract herself from thinking on the war and ChangKai's absence.
"I just can't help it," XiaoYanZi had told Qing-er, "which just makes it worse. Yongqi is of course as understanding and supportive as always, but it just adds to my guilt for being like this. I want to be his happy, laughing XiaoYanZi again, but it takes so much energy just to muster a smile."
"Give it time," Qing-er has advised gently, "third and seventh aunty both had something similar occur; it passed with time."
"What helped them?"
"Keeping active," Qing-er shared, "forcing themselves to take interest in things, especially their children."
XiaoYanZi bit her lip, "MianYi and Nan-er are awfully cute."
Qing-er smiled, "and haven't you been practicing the xiao?"
"I was…"
"Then get back to it. The sword may be too heavy still, but the xiao is light enough."
XiaoYanZi had nodded.
XiaoYanZi recovery was gradual, but Qing-er didn't mind helping with management of the estate. Interestingly, XiKe seemed to find the babies fascinating, even if he grumbled that all they did was cry and sleep. Still, Qing-er saw him babbling away at them sometimes, even reciting fragments of Tang poems here and there. It was a sight that never failed to warm Qing-er's heart.
And so, after visiting ZiWei, Qing-er decided to stop home first before going to RongQinWangFu to share news of ZiWei's recovery with XiaoYanZi.
She heard the melodious sound of a xiao before she saw XiaoYanZi. She grinned; XiaoYanZi was turning into quite the musician.
She walked around the corner, intending to offer praise, but froze instead.
"Qing-er."
It wasn't XiaoYanZi.
"ENiang?" XiKe seemed to have sensed his mother's disquiet.
She forced herself out of her stupor, "XiKe, this is aunty XiaoYanZi's brother. XiaoJian." She was surprised she did not stutter when she uttered his name.
XiKe was a well mannered child and greeted the stranger.
XiaoJian had an odd look on his face as he stared at the young boy.
Qing-er felt a need to fill the silence, "he is quite the traveler and can tell such wonderful stories."
"Really?" XiKe looked interested.
"Maybe later he'll tell some to you. For now though, shall we go find aunty XiaoYanZi?"
XiKe nodded.
"She's in the library."
Qing-er turned and nodded at him, "thank you."
"Qing-er! And XiKe!" XiaoYanZi beamed as she poked her head out from among the shelves on hearing Qing-er call her name.
"Today is a good day then?" Qing-er asked.
XiaoYanZi nodded, her eyes shining again; they still weren't back to their usual sparkle, but definitely improved, Qing-er noted.
"I came to find the book of songs for my brother. Yongqi doesn't play, but he has quite the collection."
"I can imagine."
XiaoYanZi suddenly paused, "Qing-er…"
"I won't tell," Qing-er reassured her, "although..,you're certain it's safe?"
XiaoYanZi nodded, "Yongqi made sure everyone is loyal only to us. Nonetheless, we've made it look like Yongqi merely hired a temporary music teacher for me."
It should have made Qing-er sad that XiaoYanZi was now aware of such things, but she was just relieved that XiaoYanZi knew the importance of self protection. "Good."
She waited a second before saying, "I only came to tell you that ZiWei is recovering. Since you have another visitor, I'll return another time."
"Qing-er…"
Qing-er looked at XiKe, who had wandered off to look at some of the astronomical instruments that Yongqi kept in the library, before turning back to her friend. "It's rare that the two of you can be reunited. I am happy for you. I will not encroach."
"You wouldn't be encroaching."
Qing-er smiled a little sadly, "I have my own life now."
She wondered if either XiaoYanZi or XiaoJian would stop her, but she managed to leave RongQinWangFu without interruption.
She should have known that ErKang and XiaoJian would have established a means of communication. Of course it was ErKang. Despite their adventures, XiaoJian was not that close with Yongqi. XiaoJian had searched the world over for his sister. No matter what happened between him and Qing-er, he would not shirk his brotherly duty. She was honestly glad that XiaoYanZi had a blood relative with her during this period of recovery. And little MianYi and Nan-er deserved to know their uncle.
He still looked the same. She wondered if she did as well.
"It's not like you to act so vain, and in broad daylight too." ChangKai's voice made her turn from the mirror.
Something must have shown in her expression because concern quickly replaced his teasing amusement, "Qing-er?"
"He's back."
"Ah."
"Only temporarily," she explained, "it's still not safe for him to linger."
He was quiet for a long moment before he asked, "how do you wish to proceed?"
"Should you not render an opinion?"
He shook his head, "I do not know him, nor do I have any experience in such matters."
Another woman might have misinterpreted his words as lack of caring, but Qing-er knew him better now. It was a show of trust.
And she knew what she wanted to do, only... "I don't know if I have the strength."
He wordlessly opened one of the cases on her vanity table. He pressed the hairpin with the fire opal into her hand and closed her fingers about it.
She stared again at the flecks of red and gold that shined in its depth as they caught the light.
If the servants at RongQinWangFu thought it odd for her to return again the same day, they were too well mannered to make comments.
She sat facing him, her hands clasped demurely in her lap.
"Have you been well?"
XiaoJian looked incredulously at her, "after everything...you would make small talk?"
"It seemed a polite way to begin."
"I don't want this cool politeness. Even if you yelled at me, hit me...it would be better than this."
He had stood and was pacing, his hands balled into fists. He hadn't changed, it seemed. But she had.
"Why shouldn't we be civil with one another?" She asked him.
"I think we're beyond civility."
She inclined her head. "You're right."
He paused, as though surprised by her agreement.
She met his eyes, "I have shed countless tears for you, have given up all dignity for you, have abandoned all my upbringing and prostrated myself in front of LaoFoYe and begged for you. I had thought that you could be my 依靠, the source of all happiness." She paused before amending herself, "you were my source of happiness. But you were also my source of pain."
"Had...were…" he repeated.
"Yes."
He frowned.
At one time, she would have rushed to placate him, to say whatever words were necessary to erase that expression. But she wasn't that lovesick girl so scared of re-experiencing loss anymore. She carefully kept her tone light and not accusatory. "What did you think would happen?"
"I…"
He had always been a conflicted man, hadn't he? It had added to his mystery, this jianghu hero who seemingly stepped out of a novel. But she had learned to live in the real world.
"You left." She spoke softly, factually. "And I was left to pick up the pieces. When you were here, I felt torn in two. Your absence shattered me. Even LaoFoYe was regretful, although it was because she wished she had interfered earlier."
"Instead of XiaoJian, perhaps your name should be 潇洒," she commented wryly when he remained silent.
"I hurt too." He protested.
"I do not question that you loved me, but...we were, still are, each also beholden to other things."
"Loved...I did not just love you then."
"I am married now." She reminded him.
"And where is your husband? Should he not be here to defend you?" He sounded so bitter.
"I am not a damsel in distress," the words came out sharper than she intended.
He was frowning again.
She forced herself to calm down. "I should thank you. Without you, I would have never known just how much strength I possess."
"You shouldn't have to be brave." I should have been able to care for you, was left unspoken.
"Independence then. Surely you of all people can understand self reliance."
He looked at her consideringly. She remained steady.
"You married to save XiaoYanZi." He at last said, "I also owe you my gratitude for protecting her when I wasn't able to."
"She was my friend long before I knew you existed."
He grimaced, "can you not let me pretend that you did it for me?"
"You left to protect me," she offered instead, "even if I couldn't appreciate that at the time."
He was silent before saying, "I have not been the brother I should be."
"You are here now, in her moment of need." She reminded him.
He shook his head. "With you and ZiWei and...Yongqi at her side...she has no need for this absentee brother."
She noticed the pause before he said RongQinWang's name. Even after all this time, even with the twins' existence..."You're wrong."
He looked back at her, seemingly startled that she would disagree.
"All XiaoYanZi has ever wanted is a family. ZiWe and I are her sworn sisters, ErKang her brother-in-law, Yongqi her husband, but she will always have a place reserved for you, her brother."
"ZiWei was right," he stayed after another silence, "you are clever and observant."
"ZiWei is too generous with praise," she said modestly.
"The child is lucky." His voice was at once wistful and resigned.
"XiKe saved me," she admitted.
"And his father?" He sounded like he did not wish to ask but felt obliged to despite himself.
She didn't think he really wanted to know any details. "I have a good life. Your sacrifice was not without merit."
"Where does it leave us?"
"Where we have always been. You the jianghu hero and me the courtly princess."
"I want…" he pressed his lips together, stopping himself.
"I meant what I said; I think XiKe would enjoy hearing stories from your travels."
He looked away again. "I do not know if I can be that magnanimous; he is his child."
"XiKe is also my son." Qing-er stated.
He looked back at her, his pain obvious. "Qing-er…"
Her expression softened, "forgiveness is easier said than done, I'm aware."
"It may take me more than this lifetime."
"But it's a worthy pursuit."
"Do you forgive me?" His gaze was searching.
It had taken her time to let go, but in that moment, she felt that she had actually managed it. "There is nothing to forgive."
"Qing-er…"
She stood. "XiaoYanZi already seems happier. I am glad you're able to be here."
"Are you?"
"Yes." And she meant it.
He nodded after a long moment, "I'm glad too."
She smiled slightly, "I hope you stay well."
She returned home to see ChangKai practicing with his broadsword. The red tassel was a blur as the blade swished through the air. It really wasn't so different from any other time that he went through his forms, but still she stood and watched. His movements were precise, his expression one of great concentration. She didn't make a sound until he had relaxed his posture on returning to a resting stance.
Pulling out her handkerchief, she walked towards him.
"Qing-er."
She could feel his gaze on her as she dabbed at his sweaty forehead, "No wonder XiKe begs to learn; when done properly, it's truly a breathtaking sight."
"He will do well, if only to gain a proud smile from you."
"And for an approving nod from you." Her arms had dropped again to her sides.
His expression revealed little but the tightness with which he grasped his sword showed he wasn't as calm as he appeared.
"Are you well?"
"Yes." It was almost ironic really, the question he asked her.
The change was subtle but Qing-er could tell he was more relaxed.
"Thank you," she told him. "I hadn't realized I needed closure," she added when he just looked at her questioningly.
He nodded, "you are my wife."
She smiled at his response, knowing it was purposefully worded. "We should go change. LaoFoYe would like to hear about ZiWei's progress. She always likes to see you and XiKe too."
He nodded.
His hand found hers after he put away his weapon. He was neither an expressive nor a demonstrative man, so the gesture clearly revealed his relief. His hold on her was firm but not restrictive, the silence between them full but not awkward.
She asked the maid to fetch a gown that was trimmed in red. She still thought the color was too loud, too eye catching, too declarative. But she found that she did not mind it so much in small doses. It was, after all, the color of courage, joy, luck, and matrimony.
When she was all dressed in her courtly attire, she handed him the hairpin, "will you place it in the headdress?"
He took it from her and did as she bid.
"Lovely," he murmured.
She looked up at him with a smile.
He bent and pressed a light kiss to her lips.
"Shall we go fetch XiKe?" She asked.
He reached out a hand and she took it to stand. His hand was warm. Her heart was content.
It was more than enough.