Ambition: the heart to heart from the Sacrifice universe

"I hate her."

"XiaoYanZi…"

She lifted her chin defiantly, "I don't care who might overhear. I hate her."

Yongqi sighed. Qing-er had just informed them of her concerns and her intentions.

"LaoFoYe is a traditionalist. She tolerates us, but she still doesn't understand us."

"She has no right…" XiaoYanZi fumed.

"But she does," Yongqi knew it wasn't a good idea to confront XiaoYanZi when she was in such a state, but Qing-er had reminded him that he needed to teach XiaoYanZi about the world into which she had married whether he liked it or not.

"She broke Qing-er."

Yongqi knew it really wasn't so simple. He saw clearly enough that XiaoJian was also culpable. As happy as he was for his cousin that she had found someone who could give her his whole heart, he also saw that they did not truly understand one another. How could they? Their stolen moments together were always so brief. And ErKang had been right; Qing-er wasn't a jianghu maiden, she was a Qing dynasty GeGe raised with protocols and rules and expectations. Which is why perhaps he understood her reasons more than any of their other friends.

"Qing-er has the right to make her own decisions."

XiaoYanZi snorted as she repeated for a third time, "I hate her."

"Your feelings for LaoFoYe aside, Qing-er is right about one thing. What should we do about ZhiHua?"

"What do you mean?" her glare was directed at him now.

"Ignoring her isn't going to make her go away."

"Qing-er has a grand plan, doesn't she?"

"You really would wish for Qing-er to bear this burden alone?"

XiaoYanZi pressed her lips together.

He sighed. He was also guilty. He had been avoiding this conversation too. He really wished he didn't have to talk about it. "XiaoYanZi. I am an AhGe."

"Yes I know."

"I will not always just be an AhGe."

She frowned in confusion.

"What I mean to say is...princes are expected to hold certain ambitions." He paused. He wasn't used to being blunt about such things. "HuangAhMa had also once just been an AhGe."

"So?"

"XiaoYanZi…" he knew she truly wasn't as ignorant as she was pretending to be.

"You're not HuangAhMa."

"But I could be."

She stared at him, eyes wider than usual.

"Before meeting you...I wanted to be." Well, that wasn't strictly true. Before meeting her, he didn't truly know what it was to want. "I was expected to want to be," he amended.

"Did you or didn't you?"

And wasn't that a typical XiaoYanZi response? She operated on a binary system; something was or wasn't.

He didn't have the words to explain, but he tried to anyways. "My mother wasn't one of the favored concubines. But HuangAhMa took an early liking to me nonetheless. And I wanted nothing more than to please him. I studied, worked hard during my martial lessons, did all I could to be an excellent prince. It was not only my filial duty but also a way to show my allegiance. After my ENiang passed away...he was the only parent I had left. Besides, being dutiful had become a habit."

"And then you met me." She said after a long silence.

"Then I met you, yes." He was relieved that she had put away her anger and was trying to understand.

"And I made you abandon everything you had ever been taught. You disobeyed HuangAhMa, you broke laws, you left."

"Yes." He always knew that just because they didn't talk about it didn't mean she was actually oblivious.

"Do you still want to be HuangAhMa?"

How was he to answer a question he'd been steadfastly and purposefully ignoring? "Everything we've been through...I've seen new and different sides to HuangAhMa. I still admire him, look up to him, 崇拜 him. But...I like to think I'm a better husband."

"Answer the question, Yongqi." She sounded tired, so different from the fury that had infused her very being just moments prior.

He could reassure her; it would be easy. But it wouldn't be right. His instinct to protect her should not superseded honesty. And if he could not confess his true thoughts to her, who could he tell them to? "I don't know."

"So marry ZhiHua. Save Qing-er from having to sacrifice herself."

"I do know I don't want to marry ZhiHua."

"But you might wish to marry someone else in the future."

"No." he stated with certainty, encouraged that she didn't seem angry or defensive, "you are more than enough."

"You don't have to say that just to placate me. Besides, you may not have a choice."

"Emperor Xiaozong only had the one empress." He didn't think it would be good to mention that Emperor Xiaozong's successor bore the distinction of being perhaps the most unfilial of sons.

"Who probably had no problem giving him heirs."

"You know it doesn't matter so much to me."

"But it would matter still. Especially if you were to be…" she fell silent again before shaking her head, "I can barely be a proper FuJin."

"I don't want that for you either," he confessed. "You irreverence for rules, your tendency to share your opinions bluntly, you ability to live without restrictions...these are things that I treasure most about you. They are also the things that I know you have had to temper because you married me."

She raised an eyebrow. "You do know sometimes I complain for the sake of complaining?"

"Do you?"

She rolled her eyes, "I really don't like being told what to do."

"When you complain...I am reminded of how much you sacrificed for me."

"It's not just for you," she stated, "I was so certain of my decision to go to DaLi with brother. But seeing HuangAhMa in person...I…"

Ah, maybe she did understand. "He has been a good father to both of us."

"More than good. Especially to me. I've heard the eunuchs saying sometimes, that his favor of me is far too illogical and unprecedented...I'm not so self centered and ignorant that I can't recognize the truth of their words."

"You would hate to disappoint HaungAhMa."

"Yes." She sighed and added. "As do you. More so than me."

"I was ready to give it all up. I did give it all up."

"What's different now?"

He wished he knew a good way to describe his thoughts. "HuangAhMa...I've never truly noticed his weariness with all his responsibilities in the past. The matter with XiaYingYing...it was the first time that HuangAhMa also seemed to realize his age…I've always known on principle that as a filial son I should help alleviate HuangAhMa's stress. But I never expected that I would see HuangAhMa as a man with limits too."

XiaoYanZi stared at him, unused to him sharing such opinions. He wondered how much of it she understood, not because he made light of her intelligence, but because the two of them did come from such different backgrounds. But it was a relief, cathartic even, to speak out loud his thoughts. "It's not just recently, not really. Because of all the adventures we've had, I've gotten to see the human side of HuangAhMa more than any of my brothers. He came after us, humbled himself in front of us, asked us to think of him not as an emperor but as a father who simply missed his children...and I..."

He paused a moment to collect himself, "if you had decided to stick to your plan to go to YunNan, I would have followed you. But I would have felt ashamed not just because I would have turned my back on filial duty…"

"No wonder you've worked so hard these past years," she observed. "I mean, I always knew you were diligent, but…you feel like you owe it to HuangAhMa, don't you?"

"I…" he sighed, "after everything, I thought for sure he'd look to one of my brothers to shoulder the responsibility of becoming taizi."

"Why?"

"Because...though I came back, it was only because you chose to...between jiangshan and meiren, I already chose meiren. I didn't think I'd have to choose again."

She frowned.

It was not a good time to tell her about what had transpired when they were at the Chen estate and LaoFoYe's intentions regarding ZhiHua. But would there ever be a good time?

"I knew it!" Her anger had returned, "in LaoFoYe's eyes, I'm never going to be good enough for you. Just as my brother is not good enough for Qing-er."

"HuangAhMa tried to shield us," he said quietly, "he knows how I feel about you. He also doesn't completely understand us, but he still tries his hardest to be an indulgent father rather than a monarch thinking of the future of his country. He knows that is the reason you and ZiWei both chose to return. Though LaoFoYe allowed you to call her nainai...it is not an appellation that has stuck, is it?"

XiaoYanZi pursed her lips.

"It's my fault, I should not have let this matter drag on like this. I should have been more explicit in my refusal, should have sought out HuangAhMa earlier for a frank discussion."

"It's my fault too," XiaoYanZi said reluctantly after a long silence, "if only I hadn't lost our child…"

He shook his head, "no. That is only an excuse. Even had you given me a son...LaoFoYe would still have found a way."

"What is it that you want?" XiaoYanZi asked at last.

What did he want? He wasn't used to being asked such a question, especially from her. Falling for her and managing to make her his had in a way been a relief. XiaoYanZi had such strong opinions and ideas, he could just be swept along for the ride. And it's been exhilarating and wonderful and eye opening...his whole being, his whole world, has become so much more vibrant.

"No matter what, I will always disappoint someone. And I…"

"You're too filial, too dutiful, too...you...not to feel guilty." She smiled sadly at the surprised look he gave her, "I may be self centered, but I haven't been your wife for these years for nothing."

"Unlike before though," she added, "I cannot choose for you."

"I wish you would."

She shook her head, "that wouldn't be fair."

He reached for her hand, "and if I choose differently this time? If I decide that I am ambitious enough?"

He could feel her tremble, though he took heart that she did not pull away completely.

"I…" XiaoYanZi quieted.

He had never seen her look so serious. Indeed, he honestly hadn't thought she was capable of it.

She looked stubborn at first, but then something crumpled in her expressions. His heart ached and he tasted a hint of blood as he bit his lip in an effort to keep pointless placations at bay. He needed her to think of the possibility seriously. He needed her to understand.

"You promised," she said at last in a small voice.

"I know."

"I…"

He watched as her emotions flitted across her face. Hurt, anger, confusion, fear, disappointment...all of them the very antithesis of who she was. She didn't even seem aware that she was squeezing his hand rather painfully. A small part of him took comfort in it. XiaoYanZi was not one to give voice to her feelings; he had learned to interpret her gestures over the years. The way she clung to him now...it was helpful to be reminded that he did matter to her.

"I can't," her eyes were filling with tears, "Yongqi, I've tried and I…I can't."

"I know," he said again, tears pricking at his own eyes. He shouldn't be so conflicted; in marrying her, he knew he had already made his choice.

He wiped her tears from her cheeks, "I know how hard you've tried. It would be unfair of me to ask more of you. Especially since I was the one to restrict you in the first place. But for my selfishness, you would have never become tethered, never had to change yourself to fit the expectations of others. I should have left you alone."

"It's not too late," she told him quietly, but he could tell her matter of fact tone was forced, "you can still write a xiushu, still set me free."

"I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"It'd be like cutting out my own heart."

"Yongqi…"

He caressed the softness of her cheek as he confessed, "I am ambitious enough to want to earn a title more than that of an AhGe. But...it's easier to think about what I don't want. I don't want to learn to harden myself enough to do what HuangAhMa does everyday. I do not want to make the decisions that would save thousands at the expense of hundreds. I do not want to play politics and play nice with those who would stab me in the back at the first opportunity. I do not want to compartmentalize the different areas of my life. I do not want any woman to experience what my mother did because of my ambitions. I do not want not to have you next to me every morning that I wake."

She fidgeted, still uncomfortable with his heartfelt declarations . At last, she said, "Your mother…"

"My mother was sent by her family into the palace to advance their own ambitions."

XiaoYanZi wrinkled her nose in distaste.

"It's the reason most enter the palace. All his concubines, how many do you think are truly chosen by HuangAhMa for personal preference? Likewise, how many of the NiangNiang's do you think truly loves HuangAhMa?"

XiaoYanZi frowned. It was not a topic to which she had ever given thought.

"You and I, ZiWei and ErKang, we married for love. But marriage is usually no more than a business transaction, a way to consolidate power, a political maneuver. My E Niang knew it and accepted it, just as she accepted HuangAhMa's indifference. Still, though she did not love HuangAhMa, she still tried to attain his attention for my sake, so that I could be protected. Before meeting you, I thought that was the norm. It never occurred to me that marriage could mean something more."

"You never said…"

Yongqi sighed, "because there was no point. The past cannot be changed."

She frowned at him, "why have you never said?"

"It has no bearing on the present."

"Of course it does!" She retorted, "it helps me understand you better. Do you know, when you first confessed your feelings, I spent the entire night asking ZiWei if there was something wrong with you. Why would you have picked me? And then, over the years, no matter what I did, you continued to choose me. How can you be this way if you never got to see love?"

"I don't know," he told her honestly. "I suppose I am just an oddity."

"It's not funny."

His slight smile disappeared, "no, it's not."

"It's my fault."

"What?"

"If you never met me...you'd never be like this. Never disappoint HuangAhMa...l…"

"No." He clasped her hands in his to emphasize the vehemence of the word. "No. If I never met you, I would have been...been no more than a puppet performing for others, tied up by duty and expectations. In meeting you, I discovered that even princes can have hearts. You taught me to feel...not just love and happiness and contentedness but also fear and anger and exasperation and...it's so freeing, so humanizing."

"But you are so distressed, so conflicted…"

"I didn't want to burden you…"

"If I weren't here, you'd be able to go back to being WuAhGe, a filial son and grandson."

He shook his head, "no." He tried to put it into terms she'd understand, "Just as a boiled egg cannot return to being a raw one...I have changed too much."

"Because of me."

"Yes," he stared into her troubled eyes, "you make me feel alive and real and...human. I never want to lose this feeling."

"So…"

"So you will continue to face LaoFoYe's displeasure. HuangAhMa's disappointment is likely also unavoidable."

She sighed. "The first thing I can ignore well enough. There's no love lost there. But the second thing…"

"This guilt is the worst," he agreed.

She surprised him by smiling a little, "it's so rare to hear you complain about anything."

"You of all people should know that I am not perfect."

"Thank goodness," she retorted, "else I would have continued to think that you've gone mad."

He smiled a little, "maybe I have. Maybe it is an affliction."

"Are you saying I'm a sickness?"

He tilted his head, "your spirit is rather infectious."

She snorted and punched his arm, though she was careful to keep it gentle.

He twisted their hands together again and said more seriously, "XiaoYanZi...I think HuangAhMa will honor my decision but LaoFoYe…"

"She never liked me anyways."

"XiaoYanZi…"

She sighed, "I am just a common little swallow bird; I have no aspirations of becoming a phoenix. My ambitions growing up were just for a warm bed, a sturdy roof, and enough to eat."

"You've obtained all that and more."

"I know. I am grateful, I really am. It's surely selfish to want more than these basic necessities."

"You didn't realize how important acceptance was to you until ZiWei and then HuangAhMa gave it to you."

She nodded, "they gave me a family."

She let him pull her into his arms and rested there a moment before leaning up and pressing a kiss to his lips. "And you have given me a home."

"XiaoYanZi…"

"I do appreciate you. I know I don't tell you enough...even if you set me free...I'm not sure I'd be able to go back to being the old XiaoYanZi anymore."

"Your brother would take good care of you."

"True. But...it wouldn't be the same."

He held her, just savoring the moment, before gently reminding her, "so, about ZhiHua?"

She looked up at him as she confessed, "I was jealous."

He smiled a little, "I know."

She blinked, not really surprised at his answer. He did seem to know her better than she knew herself at times. "I don't think it would be a good idea for me to talk to her."

"No?"

"Communication is not my strong suit."

"Then I will speak to her?"

She bit her lip, "must you?"

He tilted his head in thought, "Formally, no, as LaoFoYe has made no direct statements. But on a personal level...I think I ought to."

"You don't owe her anything. It's all LaoFoYe's fault."

He kissed her forehead in an effort to smooth the furrow between her brows.

"She is young and impressionable. And LaoFoYe is such an imposing person."

"I was also young and impressionable."

He lifted an eyebrow, "I think you were more given to leaving impressions."

She pouted, which just caused him to peck her on the lips.

"Hopefully her sense of ambition outweighs her infatuation."

At XiaoYanZi's puzzled expression, he said quietly, "I do pity her. She is but a chess piece in an ongoing game of power and prestige. Despite everything...it is a relief, really, that I can avoid some of it."

"But not all of it."

It was an oddly insightful remark, coming from her. "Hmmm?"

"HuangAhMa will still look to you for important tasks. He does trust your judgement."

"Hmm."

She grinned a little at his flushed cheeks. "So modest."

He cleared his throat. "It's too much to hope that ZhiHua will heed my advice to just settle down and live an ordinary life."

"You don't know that."

He shook his head, "LaoFoYe did not gravitate towards her purely because she is the antithesis of you. As much as I want to believe that ZhiHua is truly innocent...Qing-er is right; LaoFoYe must see some potential in ZhiHua."

"She's so...young."

"We were just as foolish."

"You? Foolish?"

"We did behave rather rashly."

She grumbled but made no clear contradictions.

He sighed. "I will discuss it with Qing-er. It may be more helpful for Qing-er to lay some foundations, paint a more realistic picture of life as a lady of the palace. But I will also offer my counsel. As an older brother would to a younger sister. In some ways, it's my fault that she's embroiled in this mess at all."

"How is it your fault?"

"For never making it explicit the kind of life I do not want."

"You're certain you don't want it?"

It was rare for her to show such insecurity, even in front of him. And he hadn't been sure. Not really. But now that he's said it out loud, he felt only a sense of peace. He nodded, "yes."

She still looked doubtful.

He reached for her hands again, "I'm sure, XiaoYanZi. I have ambitions when it comes to my duties; but I also have personal ambitions."

"Oh?"

"Chief among them is to be a good husband to you."

"You are," she told him, "even if I'm still uncultured and prone to jealousy and...and silly and can't help you much with your other ambitions."

"You make me smile and laugh and...feel."

"Even if it's not always good feelings?"

He smiled, "even then."

"Well then." she kissed him again.

"What was that for?"

Her impish grin chased away any remnant negativity, "to stake my claim. I will fight even LaoFoYe for the right to keep you all to myself. Now, come on, you promised to show me how the celestial globes worked."

He caught her hand before she got too far to the door, "XiaoYanZi?"

"Hmmm?"

"ZhiHua never stood a chance."

XiaoYanZi's expression softened even as she rolled her eyes again, "don't be so popomama."

He let her pull him along. It was one of the most marvelous things about her; her ability to move on once a decision had been made. They likely wouldn't talk about this matter again, but that was alright. Some things simply were or were not. His love for her certain was. Why then agonize further? It was a different sort of ambition, to live for oneself rather than for others. He would indulge in this selfishness.