A long, long time ago, when I was just a little boy, my mother tried to teach me how to meditate. At the time, I didn't fully understand the point, and I remember sitting next to her, bored out of my mind, and occasionally sneaking glances only to find that her eyes remained closed no matter how many "subtle" noises I made to try to break her from her trance and stop the entire process. Eventually, I would relent, close my eyes, too, and wait out the sheer tedium of our silent periods sat side by side. I never once took it seriously, and I never even really tried, until after the incident back home. I remembered our sessions sometime not long after my arrival in Vacuo, and I did actually try to put effort into meditation. It didn't go well, and I found myself fidgeting, worrying, and obsessing over what else I could be doing with my time, every single time.
It wasn't until today, one day after my previous entry, that I finally understood the purpose of meditation and how to pull it off. Uncharacteristically, I woke up long before my companions, and something spurred me to climb onto the roof of the RV and wait for the sunrise. At the time, I fully intended to watch the sky turn from its deep purple to a canvas of light pastel colors, and finally, a soft, comforting blue. Instead, I ended up crossing my legs into a classical meditation stance, closing my eyes, and losing myself entirely. I don't know how much time passed while I just sat there breathing, but I do know that by the time I opened my eyes again, the sky was light blue, and so was some of the hair visible in my peripheral vision.
Somewhere in the time that I was occupied with meditation, Shiv had decided to join me upon the roof of the RV. He, too, was sitting quietly, though he wasn't meditating. He asked how long I had been practicing the art after I opened my eyes, and I decided to be honest with him. Somehow, I think he knew the answer, though I don't know how or why. Shiv told me that meditation always struck him as a waste of time, and that he could never get it to work for him. Every attempt ended in frustration and thoughts about what else he could be doing. Knowing that I wasn't the only one who had thought such things was an oddly comforting notion, and combined with the sudden clearheaded sensation from my first successful meditation, I decided that there was no better time to confront Shiv openly and honestly than that moment.
I told him that I wanted to get to know him better, and that I was completely unaware of his relationship with Cin prior to their reunion. I also decided to take a risk, and pre-emptively apologize for any feelings of his toward her that I may have stepped on unknowingly by moving my relationship with Cin forward. Shiv was completely taken aback by my words, and honestly, I can't blame him for that. I have no idea where I found the courage or initiative to be so bold and direct, but I'm glad that I was. Shiv wasn't happy at all, but he did begin to explain to me that while he did indeed have feelings for her for years, and they had eventually culminated in a brief and rocky romantic relationship, they were better off as friends and business associates. I don't know if I entirely believe him. The way that he didn't look at me while explaining it gave him away.
The look on Shiv's face as he told me not to worry about it and drop the subject was certainly a familiar one. There's a sort of pain that only comes with being spurned by a woman, and it's one that I know well. Shiv told me that he had sworn off any sort of dating or meaningful romances entirely after he was burned by Cin. He also stood to leave, but I insisted that he stay, and trade some thoughts with me to try to feel better. For a tense, uncertain moment, I felt like he was going to leave the roof of the vehicle, before he finally sat back down and told me that he was listening. I told him that I, too, had been burned badly by a woman that I cared deeply for, and I think that the best and easiest way to recount the tale is to tell it here more or less as I told it to him. I admitted far more to Shiv about my past than I thought I was ready to reveal, but given how things are now, I think it was for the best.
Back when I lived with my parents in Mistral, I met my first and only other love. Sienna Khan was her name, and she was a tiger faunus with a set of brilliant, velvety, absolutely beautiful black and orange cat ears. She had dark skin and fierce amber eyes, befitting of her generally serious and intense nature. When we met, we were just barely coming into our teenage years, and by the time we parted, we were both 17, with me being older by a few months. The split wasn't exactly what I'd call amicable- in fact, it was downright nasty, and based on something that I had hoped would remain under wraps for as long as possible. In order for the tale of my time with Sienna to make sense, it's necessary for a few secrets to come out. I hope that however I'm judged after giving these details, everything else I've recorded in this journal is taken into account… whatever that may mean.
I left out this particular detail in my retelling of my relationship with Sienna to Shiv, but back in Mistral, for a period of about a year and a half, I was a member of a small faunus crime syndicate. Perhaps "syndicate" is a bit much, but we were an organized group of highwaymen who targeted humans. When she and I were both 16, Sienna met a group of other faunus from Higanbana who were fed up with the Mistrali government's treatment of our people, and willing to do something about it beyond simply making noise. At that point in time, she and I were just beginning a romantic, exploratory relationship. We were both head over heels for each other, and neither of us had any idea what we were doing. She apparently ran with the gang for a few weeks before bringing me in on the knowledge of her activities and making me an offer- we could take things further in our relationship if I, too, would join in on the "fun" of raiding human caravans on the roads, burning supply depots, mugging patrolling guards, and stealing from human-run establishments. Sienna told me that she wanted to take some risks in her life and "walk on the knife's edge", as she put it.
Naturally, being a repressed, horny, misguided faunus in his teens who had had more than enough of dealing with racism from humans, I eventually agreed to the arrangement after a not insignificant amount of begging and prodding from Sienna. My resistance to her newfound life of crime really wasn't what it should have been, and I will admit that she had me under her spell for entirely too long. It was only after losing my parents, near the end of age 17, that I felt like intentionally making the lives of others who had nothing to do with what happened worse wasn't doing me any good, and I left the troupe of bandits behind. Sienna didn't understand the sense of loss, futility, and regret that I held, and no matter how I tried to explain to her that my heart just wasn't in it anymore, she couldn't accept my admittedly sudden turn. She called me weak, pathetic, and several other things, and for the most part, she was right. She also broke off our relationship, and told me that I wasn't a real man due to my unwillingness to keep up the fight for something that mattered so much. It hurt more than I care to admit, but I also can't help but feel that it was somewhat deserved. Sienna was right about me not quite being a man, though her reasoning was a bit off.
I do still care for her, despite how she stomped on my heart when I needed her most. We were just kids, then, and she was my first love, my first physically intimate experience, and the first girl I ever confided secrets and emotions to. If we were ever to cross paths again, I think I would forgive her, and try to reconcile things. That being said, thinking about her still hurts, and I definitely don't think that another attempt at a relationship could ever manifest. That much, I did tell Shiv, and he filled me in that Cin had broken things off between the two of them over a different argument, but an argument all the same. He and I grew closer over the shared experience, and he left the roof of the RV while giving me his blessing to continue dating Cin. All in all, I would call that a victory.
Somehow, it wasn't until I was done talking to Shiv that it hit me just how similar my situation with Cin right now is to my previous relationship with Sienna. The Pewter Road Bandits weren't quite the White Fang, but they could easily be considered a similar group, in some ways. I know that the comparison must be obvious to anyone reading this, but sometimes, being too close to a problem makes it difficult to even see that it exists.
Actually, I'd like to rephrase that- I don't think my current situation is a "problem" so much as it is a test. A test for myself, to measure how much I've grown as a person, and a test for Cin, to see just what kind of person she is, and how compatible we really are. Dai of today isn't the same as Dai of Higanbana- or at least, I hope not. I'm trying to take a more careful, measured approach, and I'm currently on the outside of the White Fang looking in, with no plans to even dip my toe in that particular body of water. If anything, I want to help Cin climb out of it. In my heart, I know she can. I don't claim to be a master of romance or connoisseur of hearts, but I do know that there's nothing fake about the way that she acts around me, especially when we're alone.
I'm writing this entry from atop the RV again, after we parked for the night. Cin is in the shower within the vehicle, and Shiv and Sun went out to do a quick sweep of the area, so I'm largely alone. I sat here silently, staring down at the pages and fresh ink for a long time before deciding to continue this entry. I never thought I would admit to this, let alone put it in writing, but I've hired prostitutes throughout my year and a half or so in Vacuo. A total of three. I regret each one of those encounters, for various reasons.
I want to be clear- I have nothing against the profession, or the women who practice it. Well, most of the women who practice it- the one who stole all of the lien from my wallet after our night together, I definitely do have issues with. Be that as it may, my sex drive is naturally almost nonexistent, as I've said before, but occasionally, needs are needs, sake is sake, and drinking alone exacerbates feelings of loneliness and need to levels I can no longer resist.
The first time, I was sober, and entirely in my right mind when the woman approached me. The thought of hiring a sex worker wasn't one that had ever crossed my mind, but she was lucky enough to choose an incredibly low moment for me. It was mere months into my tenure within the desert, and Sienna was still constantly on my mind. In fact, less Sienna herself, and more the way she made me feel when we were together, happy, and she had my heart in her hands. I was desperate to get that feeling back, and I should have known better than to think I could find it by spending a wild night with some woman I didn't even know. Needless to say, the night ended badly, despite the fact that it was fun, for a little while, and she certainly seemed to enjoy herself for the duration. I ended up paying extra, apologizing profusely, and letting her have the rented hotel room to herself, while I went off to go sulk and have a sobbing breakdown. It sticks in my mind as me at my most pathetic, and I don't see that fact changing anytime soon.
The second woman was one that I approached instead, around six months later. I had liquid courage on my side and acting as my wingman, and he let me down by allowing her to steal the contents of my wallet after we were done. Despite the fact that I did stay the night, at the very least, she didn't, and I woke up hung over and hating myself. I vowed that I was done with frivolous sex and the feeling of emptiness that always came afterward, but sure enough, three months later, that vow meant nothing. I was sober again, though the weight of my desperation and feelings of being pathetic shone through like a beacon to the woman. It was after that encounter that I was told I was horrible at sex, a disappointment, and the worst she had ever had. That one did hurt a bit, but I've been told worse things by more important people, I suppose. It just wasn't what I needed to hear at the time, so it stuck with me, and still does. That last-ditch attempt to seek comfort and acceptance backfired about as badly as it possibly could have, and I've spent the time since celibate, lonely, and brooding.
All of this is to say, I know what false intimacy looks like, and how it feels. I know what it feels like to have someone attend to your physical needs only because they want something, and I know how a supposedly "seductive" smile is different from a caring one with actual desire behind it. I've seen Sienna smile down from atop me while my hands were on her hips and breasts, and I've seen Cin smile when I tell her that with her, I feel like I'm finally finding purpose again. Neither of those two smile like a prostitute, and neither one of them has ever made me feel empty. I want to do this correctly with Cin, and find a middle ground. Sienna merely pulled me onto hers, while Cin is offering compromise. It's a difference that I greatly appreciate, and one that I'm going to capitalize on.
So, I want to end this entry by saying that I've finally figured out what I want this journal to be. If all goes according to plan, then one day, I'll be giving this book to you, Cinnamon Shoal. It's going to be a log of my private thoughts, important experiences throughout our journey together, and hopefully, an explanation for how I got from stupid mistake to stupid mistake as you shook your head and laughed while staying by my side. I want this book to be an attempt to detail why I am the way I am, and hopefully, it will say some things that I can't bring myself to admit out loud. Maybe by writing them here, I'll find the courage to admit them to you, face to face. Either way, from here on out, that is my intent. I'm all-in on making this work, and figuring out just how to move forward in life, by looking backward. Here's to a better future, and one in which I can force myself to transcribe the rest of what exactly happened before I came back to Vacuo.
For now, though, I'm going to head back inside, and get some rest. I think I'll try to meditate again, tomorrow morning, and once I feel like I've fully gotten the process down, I'll invite you along with me.
Author's Note:
Dai's age in Chapter 1, and the year itself that he's writing this journal, has been retroactively adjusted due to the fact that I'm an idiot who can't do basic math. It's going to matter a lot once this story begins to tie into Arboretum in Volume 2, so to quickly recap, at this point in the journal:
-Dai is 19, and will soon be 20
-Cin is 18
-Sun is 16
-Shiv is a bit of a dick
-The year is 3059. Arboretum began in 3040, and Team RWBY's first year at Beacon will be 3061.
-RD