It's not that I forgot that this journal existed; it's more that I couldn't find time to write until just now, days later, on Cin's balcony back within Shade while she's getting some affairs in order downstairs. So much has gone on- some of it good, some of it tense, and some of it decidedly neutral and/or terrifying. I'm going to start at the beginning, because I find that I tend to write in sprawling time-loops that confuse even me when I reread these entries. Never once have I claimed to be a wordsmith.
The ride back to Shade was mostly uneventful, though the conversations and interactions I had with my "team" were anything but. Cin and I continued to share a couch at night, and in truth, throughout most of the day, as well. There was far more cuddling, affection, and innocent touching than I ever thought myself to be capable of, but I'm certainly not complaining. The young members of the RV, driver excluded, as I do not know their age, seem more than comfortable with us "being us", as Sun put it. Blake even told me privately by a campfire last night that she thinks Cin and I are "cute" together. I don't think I've ever been called cute before, or bundled into a "cute" description, but I'll take it. Blake seems sophisticated and knowledgeable, and her insistence of my cuteness only makes me feel more strongly that I'm right about her. She also reads a lot of books, and people who read books tend to be smart.
Shiv hates books, and finds them boring. That came out in a conversation, somewhere along the journey. Not that I'm implying anything, of course- just a random anecdote.
Speaking of sleeping, cuteness, and books, there was a fun little moment two nights ago when conversation was winding down and the hour was getting late. Sun and Blake shared the couch opposite Cin and I, while Shiv leaned up against the nearby wall with his arms folded, likely thinking about how he could subtly murder me in my sleep and try to win back Cin. Regardless, Blake eventually nestled into Sun's shoulder and fell asleep while the boy was in the middle of asking me about my plans moving forward. In perhaps the most evil thing any of us have done thus far in our lives, we refused to help Sun when he panicked, and simply left him with his companion to go and make camp for the night watch outside. By the time I returned, his head was atop hers, and they were both asleep.
Progress. Maybe.
The only other incident of note from the ride, really, is a walk I went on with Shiv early this morning, when we were only around six more hours out from Shade. We trudged through the sands in silence for quite a while, before he spoke up and asked me what I wanted out of life. It took me far too long to dredge up an answer from within my mind, but oddly enough, Shiv was patient and gracious that I even tried. I settled for an extremely lame answer of "fulfillment". I told him that I want to be satisfied with wherever I end up, and feel as though I've done my best and truly reached my potential. I also told him that thus far in life, I had neither of those feelings. Shiv's response both makes me think he's an even bigger asshole than I thought, and simultaneously makes me feel horrible for him. I'm not sure which of those feelings is going to win out in time, but the man really, really needs someone to rein him in and knock some sense into him. He also needs a partner, badly.
Shiv wants to be appreciated, in a general sense, by everyone. He wants the world to know his name, and speak it fondly for all the good he believes he does. In short- Shiv is convinced that he has indeed done his best and reached his potential for his current age and position in life, and thinks that he's underappreciated within that role. He explained to me that it feels like everything he does gets overshadowed, be it by the achievements of others, events going on at the campus of Shade or elsewhere in Vacuo, or passed over as just one part of the cumulative efforts of the White Fang. He also expressed that quite often, a "newcomer" will appear suddenly and steal his thunder and deserved attention from those who should be giving him more of it. That statement wasn't subtle in the least, and I know exactly where it was targeted. Shiv has an ego bigger than the desert itself, but at the same time, I can't deny that he may have a point.
Throughout all of our teamwork and preparation for the sand worm hunt, no one thanked Shiv for finding us the opportunity, so far as I am aware. The battle itself became a topic of ongoing conversation within the RV, and I received a fairly undue amount of praise for leading us to victory, when in reality, everyone contributed something to the fight. Sun and Blake received praise for coordinating their clone strikes so efficiently, and Cin's acrobatics and deft maneuvering to lure and outpace the sand worm, as well as her semblance, were hot topics of conversation. Not once did I hear anyone compliment Shiv on his sniping ability, be it for his uncanny accuracy, or his incredible skill at timing shots to draw the worm's attention away from one of us while we were vulnerable. I did notice it throughout the fight, but even I didn't think to say anything during or after the fight. In fact, I'm pretty sure everyone noticed it, and yet, no one said anything. Even if we would have won without him, our job would have been made much more difficult. In truth, I can't really fault him for wanting more attention, and acting the way he does to try to get it.
After all, is that not how I've lived most of my life?
Every questionable decision I've made was in the interest of getting attention. I joined the Pewter Road Bandits to get more attention from Sienna, and I stayed with Cin and her caravan to get more attention from her. Even now, my every move is calculated to make sure that Cin sees what I'm doing, and I would be lying if I said that my interest in Sun is entirely altruistic. I'd love to think it is, but I'm also not a saint. As much as I like the boy and want to get to know and support him, I also know that getting close to him gets me closer to Cin, as well. I'm not proud that such a thing is factored into my every interaction with him, but I'm also not enough of a bastard to deny it entirely. I honestly hate these moments alone with Shiv, because I'm finding him more and more relatable, and more and more like a somewhat warped mirror. He's making me think about things I'd rather not consider, and that pattern is going to continue, moving forward. During our walk, though, I did the only thing I could think to do- I told him that I appreciated him. He merely laughed, because of course he did. I wanted to punch him in his smug little mink-face, but I refrained. We were silent for the rest of our outing. I don't know what to do with these thoughts and feelings I have about him, so I'm shoving them aside as best I can, for now.
It was late afternoon by the time we returned to Shade. Cin, Blake, and Shiv all had to go to Shiv's dorm in order to "discuss their next move" as they put it, and I volunteered to walk Sun back to the orphanage before parting ways, for now. Upon arrival, I did indeed meet "Swirls", who I will admit reminds me of ice cream as well. Everything from her mismatched pink and brown eyes and hair to her strategically ripped clothing seemed as though it was built to be alluring, and Sun and I appear to both be thankfully immune to her charms. I really don't have much to say about her, considering we couldn't exactly hold a conversation, but Sun seemed perfectly capable of reading her body language, expressions, and hand motions as a sort of second language. It was impressive to watch, if a little hard to follow. One final note on Swirls, though- she's the kind of girl who doesn't smile. Instead, she smirks. It's a wicked, calculating smirk that reminds me a bit of Cin, and that notion terrifies me. I'm honestly somewhat unnerved by her, and thankful that I likely won't be seeing much of the girl.
After a round of what essentially became conversational charades, Swirls went off to tend to something in the kitchen while Sun and I retreated to the upper floor to get away from the swarming crotchgoblins that comprise the tenants of the orphanage. I knew that yet more awkwardness was coming, but I wasn't prepared to receive a tight hug from the boy. I am not a hugger, and I still tense when Cin touches me. Regardless, I returned the gesture, and promised Sun that I would check in on him before inevitably leaving Shade. We had a very short talk about the future, and I encouraged his desire to eventually joining a Huntsman's Academy, be it Shade, or anywhere else. He's clearly fit for it, good at fighting, and willing to help people, and I can see him succeeding. Leaving him once again in that run-down building wasn't my idea of a good time, but it was necessary. I hope that I'll be able to see him with some frequency, and I do mean that, even if Cin and I split for some reason.
That leads to the way that the early evening began, and the uncomfortable event that dragged through much of the night. I made my way to Shiv's dorm, only to find the most predictable thing imaginable- Cin was sat on the bed, Shiv was leaning against the wall, and Blake was perched upon the windowsill, looking out over the campus as she let one leg dangle toward the floor and curled the other under herself. All three were waiting for me with an agenda in mind, and I knew exactly what was coming. The conversation wasn't exactly hostile, but it was certainly tense, and long. It took the trio just under two hours to convince me to accompany them to the White Fang Headquarters to meet Ghira Belladonna, the esteemed High Leader. To be honest, I knew that I would from the start, but I couldn't stop myself from resisting the suggestion with every fiber of my being, and making it known that I don't support the Fang. Shiv and Blake were surprisingly reasonable about that fact, and that made the entire thing easier. Even so, I still feel a bit dirty, especially with the unexpected knowledge that I became privy to after agreeing to meet Ghira.
The "White Fang Headquarters" in Mistral is a lie. A lieutenant by the name of Adam Taurus is stationed there, and when it seems that Ghira's presence may be needed in Mistral, he is summoned ahead of time to occupy the base. At all other times, Ghira is here, in Vacuo, and running things from behind the scenes at an entirely separate base. There are no White Fang in Vacuo because they are well hidden, by not being hidden at all- every vendor, every tavern owner, every resident around Shade Academy is a member of the Fang, and the headmaster is a faunus sat firmly in Ghira's pocket. I'd imagine that influencing goings-on within the Academy isn't too difficult when orders are given from a bunker beneath the school, after all. Not every student here is a member of the Fang, but honestly, not every student needs to be. Those that need to know will know, and those that don't need to know can function as cover, as Shiv put it to me. There are entrances and exits in ruins beneath the sands that lead to and from the school, and I'll apparently be shown one of them tomorrow morning. I'm filled with anxiety and tension over the news that such a huge secret was divulged to me, as I know my life may well be on the line, should I behave in a way that the Fang doesn't approve of. It's a huge gamble on my part and theirs to meet Ghira, and there are a lot of drawbacks for Cin, Shiv, and Blake that are leading me to wonder just what they're thinking.
I made it very clear from the start that I wasn't at all interested in joining the Fang, and they all seemed strangely okay with that line in the sand. I informed them that I knew of some of the exploits of the Fang, and approved of almost none of them, as they had gotten people hurt and killed. They were calm and patient in explaining how those were fringe cases, and regrettable. Eventually, I ran out of both points and steam against the Fang, and Cin was the one to land the finishing blow and convince me to just talk to Ghira and hear him out. I again insisted that I wouldn't join, and Cin reassured me that even though that was the case, it wouldn't affect our relationship at all. I think that was really all I needed to hear in order to give in and at least make an attempt. After all, Cin has become my priority, now, and her wellbeing and satisfaction trumps my own. I know that such a thing probably isn't healthy, but her smile and kisses are worth it. For her, I'm going to try to listen, and not be too harsh when I talk to the High Leader.
Writing any of this down more or less puts a price on my head, should anyone find this journal, Cin included. Regardless, I feel that I need to keep a record, and it could even be used as collateral in the future. I have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring, and I have no idea what to say to Ghira. I just hope that all of this functions to help me move forward and figure out where I want to be. For the foreseeable future, I want to be in Shade, and learn what I can about the Fang. After that, I'll talk to Cin, and we'll make a plan. Naturally, though, plans mean very little. I'm a bit nervous, and I need to go and receive a dose of cuddles to have any chance of sleep tonight. Shiv is staying in his dorm, and Blake is returning to the bunker beneath the school to see her parents. Sun is pulling an overnight shift at the orphanage, so it's just Cin and I in the house tonight. I get the feeling we're going to do more talking than sleeping.
Author's Note:
And so, things are starting to ramp up. Get ready for more characters and some information on the Fang in the world of Arboretum.
Yes, that does mean Best Girl will be showing up soon.
-RD