I've never really been one for complex feelings. I generally know what I think of a given situation almost immediately, and the complexity comes in formulating the best approach through which to express myself and move things toward whatever my goal may be at the time. This situation, though, with Ghira, the White Fang, Cin, and Shade itself, is unlike any other I've ever encountered. I was devastated when my parents were slain, but the pain of loss and heartbreak worked as a catalyst to move me forward. I was angry and bitter when Sienna and I split up, but it gave me new direction. Now, though, in this current predicament? I have no goal in mind anymore, and I have no concrete feelings atop which I can build a new one. I simply feel trapped- lured into a spider's web, only to find out that the spider simply wants someone they can trust to patrol the edges for them. I don't know what to do, I don't know if what I've done is right, and I don't know how I feel about anything in my life anymore, other than Cin. I guess she'll have to be my anchor, because nothing else is consistent.
It's been three days since I spoke to Ghira, and in that time, I've found myself unable to muster the mental fortitude to make a record of events. Simply getting the events and details in order is a struggle enough, but putting what I've done to paper and making it real is almost as terrifying as the reality of the situation. I've barely eaten or slept, and I was specifically told to take some time to myself and do what I need to do for myself in order to regain functionality. Cin was given clearance to accompany me in that endeavor, and we've spent the past few days in her house simply talking through events. Blake stopped by, and offered some perspective, as well. She told me that she has someone for me to meet soon, but that she figured I would be overwhelmed, and it could wait. I haven't seen Shiv since going down into that bunker, and I can't bring myself to face Sun. Honestly, I don't know if I'll be able to, moving forward. I can't lie as well as some people, and I know it.
The physical intricacies of the White Fang bunker are honestly unimportant compared to what transpired within Ghira's office, so I'll cover that later. Ghira Belladonna is one of those people that I think could accurately be described as "larger than life", in physical appearance, overall presence, and significance. I've seen pictures, of course, but watching him stand from behind the desk to find out that he's nearly two heads taller than me was a bit disconcerting. I'm rather tall, and the few times I've met people taller, I can't exactly say I've been dwarfed. This was just sad, as was the fact that one of his biceps is thicker than my tail. He speaks in a slow, measured tone, which combined with his incredibly deep voice gives the feeling of speaking to some sort of wise and powerful patriarch of a clan, which I suppose he is. Our meeting started with a simple handshake, during which I think he destroyed every bone up to my wrist. He asked me to sit across from him, and I did. Fortunately, he guided the majority of the conversation, because I had no idea what to say to such a legendary figure, even if he is one that has caused so much tension between faunus and humans.
Ghira opened by asking what I'd heard about the Fang, and he specifically requested for me to be honest. Naturally, I became inclined to be a little less than honest at first, and simply told him that I had heard disputes had gotten worse lately, and protests were being met with some humans widening the racial divide even more. At that point, Ghira told me to give him my own opinion rather than that of a journalist, and I believe I may have gone overboard.
I told him about the things I'd seen in Mistral, and how the members of the Fang I'd met had seemed unhinged and as though they wanted to worsen the problem rather than solve it. I told him that I'd heard tales of kidnappings, ransoms being demanded and stolen, humans being butchered, and politicians attacked. I told him that I suspected the White Fang were one of the reasons my parents were slaughtered, and I told him that I resented his organization, and by extension, Ghira himself, more than the majority of humans I'd met. I generally try not to make a scene or lose my temper, but I will readily admit that I failed in that pursuit during our meeting. I was expecting Ghira to come across the desk and slam me into a wall, and what I received instead was a heartfelt apology. Somehow, his words extinguished my anger more quickly than it had been stirred up, and I simply sat and listened to what he had to say.
The White Fang is out of control, by Ghira's own admission. It began with humble intentions, between a group of three friends, and was founded as a mostly peaceful movement to raise awareness and take the fight to those deserving of it. In time, it ballooned to something that has encompassed all of Remnant, and Ghira is finding that he and his wife are no longer capable of keeping so many members with so many diverse opinions and moral standards in check. The White Fang has grown far beyond what it once was, to the point where Ghira feels that the organization is effectively no longer "his", though the debt of responsibility for the actions of all of its members still falls squarely upon his shoulders. It's unfortunate, to be sure, but that is the burden of a leader. Even so, I do feel sympathy for him, and I told him as much. He told me that he feels the same way for me, and it was then that he called Cin into the office.
Cin seemed very surprised to be pulled into our meeting, and I believe that she was being genuine when she looked tense and uneasy. She immediately went for my hand, and I was all too happy to offer it as she sat beside me. The pair of them explained together that the meeting was set up with the intention of helping me to understand why Cin had joined the Fang, and that issues and problems were being addressed and worked on. I rose the point that while Ghira had told me of the root of the problem plaguing the Fang, he hadn't even begun to discuss solutions, or offer insight on a plan moving forward. He agreed, and said that he was stalling for time, as he knew that things were about to become unpleasant. I was expecting him to tell me that such things were unfixable, or that I was simply going to have to deal with things as they are, or worse- leave Cin, and keep the secrets of the Fang safe, while being watched by assassins.
I was not expecting to be offered a position within the White Fang, nor was I expecting Cin to react so negatively to the proposition. I've never heard her yell before, and I honestly hope that I don't hear it again anytime soon. She's somehow more intimidating than Ghira, when she's pissed off.
The ensuing argument lasted well over an hour. Cin went off on her leader for "betraying her trust" by trying to get me involved when she had apparently told him specifically not to approach me about joining the Fang. Her reasons involved everything from wanting to protect me to feeling like her own involvement was a mistake, which seemed to cut Ghira rather deeply. Despite all of her vitriol and admittedly solid points, Ghira simply took it all in stride and calmly explained that the solution to reeling in the Fang and getting the current situation under control is bringing on more people that share his viewpoint and act as an extension of his will for the future of the organization. I asked him what his views were, and they very much align with my own- he just wants to be understood, seen, and feel validated on the world stage. He wants the rest of the Fang to see that through charisma, dialogue, and public displays of good will, the faunus can be better appreciated. He wants Cin, Blake, Shiv, and I to travel to the Mistral base and take over for his lieutenant, Adam Taurus, who is apparently the source of many of the problems within the Fang.
Apparently, Cin knew about her impending relocation, but she wanted me to come along of my own volition. Ghira insisted that I would still be doing so, and that choosing to sign on with the Fang, or not, would make little different. He simply sees it as a vote of confidence, and an allotment of power and influence over a small unit of Fang that I wouldn't otherwise have. The conversation at that point took a turn very similar to the one I had with Cin, Blake, and Shiv in his dorm, in which Ghira shot down every point that I tried to make against joining the organization, though he did it far more kindly than Shiv. Finally, I asked him why he would offer me such a thing, of all people, and he simply explained that he trusted Cin, and knew that anyone who had her heart was someone worthy of trust and respect. I don't quite know the extent of Ghira and Cin's relationship, but I intend to find out soon. I suppose I'll have a lot of time to get into it with her, in Mistral, but there certainly seems to be some deeper connection there than what I originally thought.
I feel almost sick writing this, but I've joined the White Fang. I know that it's probably hopeless, but I believe in Ghira's vision, and I believe in Cin. It goes against everything I've had planned for myself up to this point in time, but to be here right now, with her, feels right. It doesn't feel easy or comfortable, by any means, but right decisions seldom do. Ghira didn't exactly seem overjoyed, and Cin said nothing more to him as we left the office, but she said more than enough to me once we arrived back at her place. I was told several times that I didn't have to join for her sake, and I told her several times that it wasn't just for her. This can't be another situation like the one with Sienna, and I can confidently say that it isn't. I'm not doing this for sex, or even affection. I'm doing this because Ghira truly thinks I can help fix this mess, and it's been quite some time since someone told me they believed I was capable of something greater. I asked Cin if she thought that I could actually make a difference, and she begrudgingly admitted that she believes it, too.
I've gone back and forth a lot over the past few days, in terms of how I feel. Ghira told me that I could back out before heading to Mistral, but once I made that jump, I can't exactly "leave" the White Fang. I somehow get the feeling that it isn't a threat, so much as a warning of what others will think and do if I make the attempt. I think the only way I would leave is with Cin, which does align with my original plan, in some ways. I just didn't expect to join with her, nor did I expect her to be upset that I'm committing myself to this. I guess all that's left is to get some rest, refocus, and get ready for whatever lies ahead in Mistral.
I'm also going to have to do some digging on Adam Taurus, when I get the chance.
Author's Note:
Still a long way off from this intersecting with Arboretum canon, fortunately, but this journal is going to start establishing White Fang background and insider information for that universe.
-RD