I've been described as slow and ponderous before, by many people. Naturally, those people assure me that by "slow" they don't mean "mentally" almost immediately afterward, but I always feel like I should tell them that such a thing is a fair assessment. All people have their stupid, nonsensical hang-ups and tendencies, but mine consistently get me in trouble, and they're consistently driven by fear. More often than not, that fear is of myself, and what I may or may not be capable of. I've always been terrified that I could be swayed to start seeing the White Fang as sympathetic, and that the situation would escalate if I did. Now, that very thing has happened, and I feel less afraid, and more "sick", though not in a conventional sense. I feel like willingly walking into the mire that is the White Fang is to surround myself with disease, pestilence, violence, and ill will of my own volition. I feel like I'm drawing in everything I've been trying to stave off, and I can only hope that doing so makes me stronger, and that I can use that strength to help the Fang become what it should be. It may be a fool's errand, but I'm just the sort of fool that Ghira was looking for, it seems. I'm used to being seen as a fool, so I may as well embrace it.
I do believe that I've hit a point in my life where secrecy is not only pointless, but it could get me killed, when applied badly. Secrecy driven by fear is a bad habit to begin with, and at this point in my relationship with Cin, and my approaching role as a "leader" of sorts within the White Fang, I think it's time that I record the truth here for posterity, and for my own benefit. I spoke to Cin about my parents today, and she spoke to me about some aspects of her upbringing in Lower Atlas. I wouldn't dare write down what she told me here, for her sake, but I can say that she seemed just as afraid to tell me about herself as I was to explain what happened to my parents, not so long ago. The support that she offered me afterward was unlike any I've ever received, and it only solidified my feelings for her even further. I tried my best to reciprocate, but I feel like I failed. Cin can perfectly understand my problems and need for secrecy, but I can't really relate to hers. That being said, I'm going to keep trying, and I'm going to find a way to become the man that she deserves.
I'd like to begin by saying that I haven't been entirely truthful about myself, in some entries of this journal. I was indeed born in Harold's Folly, and my parents did take me to Higanbana, for the majority of my upbringing. However, Higanbana is not where they died, nor is it where I joined the Pewter Road Bandits. Anyone deeply familiar with the roads of Anima would know that Pewter Road is nowhere near Higanbana- it actually runs straight through Oniyuri. If the name "Oniyuri" is an unfamiliar one, I can't say that I'm surprised. Few people have heard of it, and even fewer know what happened there. I suspect that fact is by design.
Oniyuri is, or more accurately, was a small village occupied solely by faunus out in the countryside of Anima. Residents of Higanbana who were growing tired of the Mistrali government's stranglehold on trade, commerce, and the very law of the town itself set out to create their own little community. My parents were among that population, and given that the town was occupied solely by faunus, it wasn't long before the White Fang took note. Over time, my father rose to become the leader of the village, and as members of the Fang assisted with the construction efforts, he cut deals and used their vast resources and expertise in manual labor to speed the construction of the town. What would become a half-finished, rather sprawling village was erected in far less time than anticipated, and my father was hailed as a hero for his ambition, resourcefulness, and successes. Everyone grew confident and comfortable in short order, and things were good, for several months. That should have been the first sign that something terrible was coming.
Mistrali enforcers and officials began showing up at the gates of Oniyuri. Naturally, they were met with members of the Fang who stood their ground and threatened to chase them out of town. I was just old enough to be impressed by how my faunus brethren, my father included, stood up to such imposing figures and insisted that the land, laws, and profits were theirs. I was also just young enough not to understand why the first visit should have been the last, before change was enacted on our end. Undercutting one of the four kindgoms, especially one as corrupt as Mistral is rumored to be, is to invite disaster. Over time, Atlesian officials began to visit as well, and the looming sense of impending doom only intensified. Oniyuri being unfinished made it an easy target, but I was under the impression that with half of the town built, we were invincible, and capable of real change. We were not. I trusted my father to be able to shield us from anything that came our way. He couldn't.
I was knee-deep in my work with the Pewter Road Bandits, and my relationship with Sienna, when things came to a head. I still don't know all of the details of what happened, but I'll never forget what I saw upon returning home from a highway raid. Oniyuri was in flames, and the half-finished collections of buildings that I had come to call home were mere blackened husks. Being the stupid adolescent that I was, I ran straight into the conflagration to try to find my parents. All that I found were flames, ruins, bodies both familiar and not, and very few survivors. My parents weren't among the survivors. I'd honestly prefer if it was later revealed that they were in the scheme that caused the blaze, and I would have to bring them to justice on some twisted hero's journey, just so that they could be alive again. Identifying their warped, charred bodies dashed any hopes of such things, and also scarred me for life. Sienna wanted to use the occasion as an impetus for justice, and an excuse to work more closely with the White Fang. I, quite frankly, just wanted to die, and that fact is still true, on some days.
I blame the abrupt ending to our relationship on both Sienna and myself, though Cin insists that it was entirely her fault. Instead of support and understanding from Sienna, I received passion and anger. Perhaps that isn't entirely fair- she was indeed supportive and there for me in the immediate aftermath, but she moved beyond grieving and into righteous anger far too quickly for me to keep pace. Where she wanted to burn a supply line for every house that the arsonists took down, I wanted to abandon all criminal activity and find somewhere quiet to hide and live out the rest of my life in fear. I once thought that Sienna's callous, businesslike nature helped me to cope with frivolous problems, and acted as a rock to lean against when I was feeling weak. Unfortunately, it also drove me to feel as though she really didn't care when actual important problems came about. My entire life changed in a day, and Sienna refused to accept that I had changed along with it. For that reason, I walked away… though Cin has also informed me that Sienna is now in the Fang, so I suppose a tense reunion is inevitable.
I didn't leave Oniyuri immediately. In fact, some of the survivors assumed that I would pick up where my father left off, and begin to lead the village in a reconstruction effort. The very thought of trying to live up to his ambition and influence still turns my stomach, and I immediately declined to even make the effort. The remaining villagers of Oniyuri began to look at me with disgust and disappointment, though Sienna's cold reaction had already prepared me to deal with such things. I spent my remaining time in the village carrying out my own investigation- taking eyewitness accounts, surveying damage, and searching for clues. By the time I finished, I found only a few useful things- my mother's fan, the fact that most people agreed that a giant, previously unseen grimm had attacked Oniyuri, and the fact that somehow, mysteriously, the vast majority of the lien and supplies in Oniyuri had disappeared during that very same grimm attack.
I don't know if it was an inside job. I don't know if someone found a way to control grimm, or if it was all a coincidence and those that ransacked and set fire to the village used the random attack as cover. At this point, I don't know if that particular grimm hoards lien, and was simply acting on its own nature, but I do know that I'm still committed to finding out the truth. I have a funny feeling that getting close to Ghira Belladonna is going to make that easier, and that he may know, or be able to find something about what happened. I floated the idea by Cin, and she agrees that he'll be both willing and able to help me. After all, he helped walk her back from the edge, and his heart is in the right place. I'm not sure that mine is, given the fact that I'm partially using the act of joining the White Fang for my own personal gain, but I do believe that finding answers about Oniyuri will benefit other people, as well.
On the topic of my moral compass and motivations, I'm not sure what it says about me that I was surprised by the outpouring of affection, both physical and not, that I received from Cin tonight. Even after she filled me in on her own secrets, she tended to me with a level of care and compassion that bordered on being awkward. All of that awkwardness came from me, naturally, and she stuffed any attempts I made to comfort her by making my feelings the priority. I get the feeling that she can read me like a book, and for someone like me, who despises elaborating on their thoughts and emotions, that suits me just fine. Whatever it is that we have going on, it's certainly "real", and far removed from what I had with Sienna. The relationship isn't without baggage from both of us, but it's all worth it. After all, a part of why I joined the White Fang was indeed for her, though I'll deny that notion to my grave, every time she asks. She asks that quite a lot, and I feel awful lying to her each and every time it comes up.
Tomorrow, I'm headed back down into the bunker to get details, and meet the other new member of my 'squad' that will be heading to Mistral with us. Blake told me that her name is Ilia, she's a chameleon faunus, and that she and I might get along rather well. Given how Blake and I got on during our hunt for the sand worm in Harold's Folly, I'm inclined to trust her judgment. It's sounding like our new party of five is to be myself, Cin, Blake, Shiv, and Ilia. I'm not sure what I expect to find in Mistral, and I'm not sure how we're going to convince Adam Taurus to return to Vacuo. I've heard whispers about the man, but nothing at all concrete. I suppose, at this point, I'm just going to have to see him for myself.
Author's Note:
Onward to the Mistral arc. Likely no update next week, because life. Dai's journal will resume soon.
-RD