I believe I've stated before that I generally dislike violence, and I may have mentioned that it's rather difficult to piss me off, but Shiv just did it in ways that I didn't imagine possible. It's mere hours since my last entry, as I need some way to vent my frustration, and I'm not about to go and dump that burden on Cin while she's trying to rest and catch up with friends. I've relocated to the cargo hold for the night, and turned a vacant net into a passable hammock. Even so, I somehow doubt I'll be getting any sleep at all, despite my insistence on all of us going into Mistral at the top of our game.

It all started with a simple shower, which I needed badly to let off some tension. I'm quite fond of the rain, and I like to laze about in stormy weather to the point of getting utterly soaked. The shower is honestly no different, and I've been known to consistently go last when I'm sharing a bathroom with other people so I can linger and use the remaining hot water without inconveniencing others. Sometimes, just leaning into the shower wall, closing my eyes, and focusing on the gentle touch and sound of the echoing droplets for half an hour is enough to help me feel whole, and tonight, I did exactly that. All of the tension of meeting with Ghira, rooming with Shiv, and thinking about Adam Taurus seemed to melt away beneath the cascading showerhead. I fully intended to exit the shower and talk about something frivolous and pleasant with Shiv for a bit to try to strengthen our bond, before getting some sleep. I walked out of the bathroom wearing a towel, a smile, and feeling renewed.

That feeling changed immediately when I saw Shiv lounging casually atop his bed, this very journal in hand, and his smirk even dirtier than usual.

I don't think I can accurately describe the feeling that came over me after the second of terrified hesitation that passed as I caught sight of him. I also don't know how I would quantify the speed at which I sailed across the room, or the force behind the haymaker I threw for his jaw. I am happy to report, however, that both were fast and hard enough to knock his head into the steel wall of the room and jostle my journal from his hand. Perhaps the second and third punches were uncalled for, but let's be serious, here- so was his sifting through my private thoughts. Some would say that it's my own damned fault for leaving the journal in the open with what few other belongings I have, and perhaps that's correct. I trusted him, and I told him as much. He merely replied that such a thing was a mistake, while rubbing his jaw. I was tempted to punch him again, but somehow managed to refrain. After all, he wasn't wrong.

It took me an incredibly long time to even formulate my questions for Shiv as I stewed in anger at the foot of the bed, and the fact that he seemed entirely unapologetic about the matter only made it harder. Satisfying though it would have been to simply lay into him again, I was keenly aware of the fact that not only would it probably be taken as a gross overreaction by the others, but Shiv would be ready, and likely retaliate. I knew that I needed to deescalate the situation, and that, unfortunately, the one who needed to be brought down was myself. It's an odd feeling, being betrayed and yet also feeling like you're the one at fault, and it's not an unfamiliar one, either. Sienna certainly made sure of that.

I tried my best to stay calm as the interrogation began, but Shiv made it very difficult, as expected. If his semblance isn't making every situation around him infinitely more difficult for his supposed friends, I'll be absolutely shocked. He refused to answer what he had managed to read, beyond the helpful description of "a few things, here and there", and he focused more on criticizing my unfocused, messy, self-loathing style than the actual contents of the journal itself. That alone was almost enough to make me turn tail and leave, but I thought that I would at least ask why he pried into my private life before I left him to his own devices. Surprisingly, he did actually provide me with a complete answer, and it's one that I likely should have seen coming.

Shiv informed me that the entire reason for reading through my writing was to look for anything I had written down about him, and how I truly felt about working at his side. Apparently, he wanted to know whether or not I was being openly pleasant and accommodating while trashing him behind his back, and that such knowledge was worth risking my anger. He told me that it's happened to him several times before, and he wasn't about to invest more in a business partnership than he should, if I actually thought he was a total asshole. I hate that, to an extent, he has a point- some of my words transcribed here about Shiv have been less than kind, but I stand by them, especially now. I told him as much, and he merely shrugged it off, which is something else I should have seen coming. He brought the conversation to a close with a dismissive wave of his hand, and the statement that he would rather betray those around him and know where they really stand than be stabbed in the back, himself. I didn't know what to do with a statement like that, so I left the room in a huff.

I still don't know what to do with that statement.

I'm not usually one to pace, but I spent what felt like half an hour pacing in this hold before getting to work on setting up my hammock. I want to be furious with Shiv, and I am, but I feel more upset with myself than anyone else at the moment. It's impossible to know what he read, what he thinks about me, or what he's going to do with the information herein. I could burn this stupid book and simply deny it all if he says something, but a part of me knows that I need this thing. Putting my true thoughts on paper, no matter how awkward they may be, is a cathartic sort of release unlike even brushing lips with Cin. I'm sure that line will read well when she inevitably gets her hands on this, but at this point? How much worse can things realistically get, within my social circle?

I think I'll ask Cin for advice tomorrow, while we're still in the air and far enough away from our objective to focus a little on trying to feel better. I want so badly to go to her and ask if we could just find and share a room, even this one, for tonight, but I know that ship has sailed. Cin seems too happy to see Ilia again to rain on her parade, and this particular bed is one I made both by leaving my journal out, and volunteering to placate Shiv to begin with. If her reaction to my plight is indeed "so don't leave your journal out in the open, dumbass" as I expect it will be, I'll absolutely deserve it, and that's not something I need to hear from her, right now. I'm honestly not sure what I need to hear, and it's far too soon to start throwing around "I love you"s, so that's off the table entirely.

For now, I'm just going to lay here, try to get some sleep, and wallow in self-pity until sunrise. Perhaps I'm being melodramatic, ridiculous, and petty. Perhaps Shiv is being a weasely little bastard who deserves to be punched far more often. Maybe both of those things are true, but for now, all that matters to me is that I feel like I'm paying for daring to approach a situation with optimism yet again.

Happy birthday to me, I guess.

Author's Note:

And a surprise back-to-back update appears. There's no way I was holding this until next week, especially given how short and important it is. That being said, I don't think it needs to be around the usual length, given the shittiness of Dai's situation. The next entry may be of similar length, given what will happen next. More coming next week, or maybe even this weekend...

-RD