Even now, the majority of a day later, I don't think I could answer which pissed me off more, initially- my makeshift hammock crashing down unceremoniously in the middle of the night, or finding Shiv standing over me, offering me his hand to help me back up from the ground afterward. Apparently, lockpicking is within his repertoire of skills, alongside his perfected usage of his patented condescending glance and pinpoint accuracy with a firearm. Naturally, I slapped his hand away and ordered him to leave the cargo hold. Perhaps more naturally, he merely shrugged, hopped up onto a nearby crate, and began to monologue as I struggled to stand through sudden back pain. I was not expecting what came out of his mouth at all, but all in all, I suppose I'm happy that things worked out the way they did. Despite occurring at 2 in the morning, while I was suffering from a stress headache and a growing bruise from my fall.

Really, Shiv is just lucky that I have the patience of a saint, and that I was horribly crippled before he started speaking. Otherwise, he may have wound up with a bruise worse than mine.

Shiv opened with a heartfelt apology, the kind of which I didn't think he'd be capable. He was oddly quiet, and combined with the pitch blackness of the cargo hold, would have fit right into a depressing scene in some terrible movie. The effect was somewhat ruined by the fact that we can both see fairly well in the dark, but still; the framing was appropriate, if wasted on two faunus. He spent a fair amount of time explaining that he often does things that he regrets later, which I'm still not sure if I believe or not. I was also busy trying to reattach my hammock throughout his opening argument, so I'm not entirely sure on the details of what was specifically being said. I am, however, sure that he sounded like he meant what he was saying, especially as his apology got significantly more interesting.

Apparently, Shiv lied when he was first caught with my journal, and was willing to admit as much after spending some time thinking things over in the cargo hold while I slept. He did not, in fact, snoop through this journal to find out what I'd written about him- he was looking for information about me, and trying to figure out how better to connect with me by reading through my unfiltered thoughts. Shiv knew that doing such a thing was a massive risk, but he's apparently so socially incapable that it was one he was willing to take over simply letting our relationship progress naturally over time. He told me that he doesn't have faith that his grating personality wouldn't sabotage things before we got to a point of becoming legitimate friends, and he was afraid that he would somehow make a mess of things without some inside knowledge. Of course, pursuit of such knowledge only served to ruin his efforts, which he also admitted that he saw coming.

It was around that point in time that I realized Shiv may be the most relatable person I've ever met in my life, and my conflicted feelings started tipping heavily toward pitying him. I once again asked him what exactly he read from my journal, and he again defied my expectations by telling me several specifics. It honestly sounds to me like he started at the beginning and got as deep as he could, which wasn't far at all. Apparently, the last thing he read was that Cin is a fan of marshmallows. I haven't had time to go back and sift through when that was written, but I know that it was early on, and he couldn't have gleaned much about me from that far into the book. Mission failed.

So, essentially, he risked everything for the sake of a better relationship, only to come away with very little and a worse one. I've been there, and I may be there again right now, with several people. Irony may be a heartless mistress, but I am not.

I am also not a mistress, for the record. I have a sinking feeling that in time, I'll find out that Cin has some incredibly fringe and embarrassing kinks, and roleplay dress-up is likely one of them. In such a case, becoming a mistress may be unavoidable. I think I could make a maid's skirt work, in the right scenario. Trying to keep my ass hidden while my tail holds half of it up would be a struggle, though.

If it wasn't abundantly clear, I haven't slept since falling from the hammock in the cargo hold, and it is now early in the following night. I'm somewhat delirious, at the moment.

I tried my best to remain firm and angry at Shiv over his trespass, but after listening to him pour his heart out in a self-deprecating style that might put even my own periods of self-pity to shame, I just couldn't do it. Maybe he's playing me for a fool and capitalizing on what little he read to tug at my heartstrings and give him a second chance, or maybe he's being genuine and giving me a peek behind the curtain. I'm trusting and hoping that it's the latter, and there's enough evidence that I think I'm right. Part of the reason for that is the fact that he let on that his staunch refusal to open up in the past is what cost him his relationship with Cin, and he regrets being so cold and unable to speak openly to her at the time. The ending of their relationship only made him smokescreen his real feelings even more, and it's cost him time and time again. That fact is what truly tipped the scales toward me accepting his apology.

For the record, if I'm being played- it's entirely my fault, and I'll accept that in writing here and now.

I don't remember some parts of our conversation after that because I'm exhausted, and I was running on little sleep at the time already. I do remember hopping up on the crate next to Shiv and offering a handshake of… acceptance, or camaraderie, or something to that effect, which he accepted. We talked for a bit about our journey thus far, and I tried to explain that I had similar feelings to him about some aspects of life in general. For once, he seemed to be truly listening, rather than waiting for his turn to start talking about himself again. Of course, I fumbled through much of my explanation, and couldn't accurately convey what I was trying to say. Eventually, we looped back around to simply discussing stupid, frivolous things that won't matter by the morning.

Maybe they will matter, actually. It was nice to see another side of Shiv beyond his public façade, and funnily enough, he said the same about me. It's making me wonder just how I come off to other people, and what they must think of me, in truth. If only there was some way to see into other peoples' private thoughts that didn't involve petty theft or intimate commitments.

Neither of us slept or kept track of time, until I pulled out my scroll and noticed it was 6 in the morning. It was at that point that Shiv and I went our separate ways for most of the remainder of the day, and I busied myself with simply wandering the ship and my own mind. I was hoping to just take in the fresh air after being confined in a room that smelled of sawdust and metal shavings for so long, but instead ran into Blake out on the main deck. I told her we had to stop meeting like this, and she told me that if we did, she would be sad. I won't lie- it made me feel rather good about myself to know that she enjoys my company. I certainly enjoy hers.

It's rather odd that I think about her as being "mature for her age" when I'm only now four years her senior. I deeply appreciate the fact that she was content to simply stand with me at the railing and look out over the landscape for an extended period of time. Very few people seem to understand the value of silence, but Blake doesn't seem to feel the need to fill the void with noise for noise's sake. It makes me wonder just how compatible she would really be with Sun, should we return to Vacuo anytime in the coming months. I plan on giving him a call sometime after we land, and get to the main camp.

Eventually, I had a feeling that I might fall asleep while leaning at the railing if I didn't find something to distract myself with, and so, I decided to ask Blake for advice on Shiv. After assuring me that the conversation would stay between us, I chose to trust Blake with everything that had gone on between he and I. Something seems wrong about someone my age venting to someone like Blake, but in this case, I feel it was justified. She has wisdom and insight beyond her years, and I… don't. Blake made the suggestion to simply give Shiv the journal for a day, and let him indulge in his preferred method of getting to know me. Considering that he, Cin, Ilia, and Blake are to be my partners for an uncertain, but not insignificant amount of time, there's really nothing in this tome that I feel is too sacred for him to learn at this point, especially given that he already started digging into it. Some of it may be upsetting, perhaps, but not strictly forbidden. It's a big risk, but the payoff could be worth it. I think I'm going to follow through on the advice.

I offered to let Blake read through this journal first, just to see if she still thought it was a good idea, but her reaction was the opposite of what I expected. She told me that she has no interest in trawling through peoples' personal lives, and would rather just learn things about them as they feel comfortable offering information. I asked if she, too, kept a journal, and she said that she wouldn't dare put anything in writing because she has wounds too deep to ever risk exposing. For the second time in as many days, I had no idea what to say, so I simply offered a hand. She took another hug instead, and told me to get some rest. Apparently, I look like I need it, and I certainly do.

The rest of today was slow- torturously so. I spent a bit of time with Cin, and then the five of us shared a meal together. I didn't have much to say on account of spending most of my energy on trying not to pass out into the mashed potatoes, but the three girls seemed to be having a good time. I honestly can't tell if Ilia is just quiet, or thinks that I'm creepy. Or thinks that Shiv is creepy. Or was just trying to be respectful of the fact that the two of us are both exhausted. Either way, I plan on talking to her tomorrow, at some point, and working at getting to know her better. After all, we're running out of days before we get to Mistral, and I doubt any of us will feel much like talking while on a hike through gods only know what terrain.

All in all, things are… I suppose I could honestly say "good," yet tense. Tomorrow, I'll be giving this journal over to Shiv to read. Even upon its return, I don't think it's time to give it to Cin, yet- she and I have no trouble simply talking to each other, and I want her to have the "complete" story, once I no longer feel the need to record things here. For now, though, I'm going to turn in early, and Shiv seems ready to do the same. We're sharing our original room again, and starting tomorrow, we'll be sharing a hell of a lot more. I'm hesitantly curious to learn what he has to say about what he's about to read.

Author's Note:

Apologies to anyone disappointed at the lack of entry last week, but Chasing Clarity ate all of my free time after coming out of nowhere. This journal definitely won't be abandoned- it's just the easiest thing to put on the back burner when new ideas strike. More soon.

-RD