Waking up earlier this afternoon to this journal atop my chest with a sticky note reading "Have at it." attached to the cover was not what I was expecting, but it could be far worse, I suppose. I'll admit, I'm not entirely sure what Dai meant by "have at it," but I'm taking it to mean that for today at least, this journal is now mine. After all, he hasn't made himself available or sent so much as a text for the duration of the day, so how am I to know what he's thinking? Except, of course, by reading this collection of ramblings and inaccuracies, which I did read in their entirety, before beginning to contribute to them.

I would like to begin by stating within this permanent record that Daisuke Aki is a complete and utter imbecile in the purest and most distilled sense of the word- the majority of these entries are dripping with obliviousness, ineptitude, and self-pity the likes of which I have never previously seen. I did indeed intend to comb through this journal, bit by bit, in an effort to understand what exactly makes the man tick, only to come away knowing less than I did before. When you inevitably do read this, Dai- thank you for reinforcing the notion that I have every reason in the world to silently glare at you as you bumble through each and every conversation you engage in, only to emerge smelling like roses through some sort of divine intervention. While the only thing that will listen to me seems to be this very paper, it seems that even the gods themselves would go out of their way to listen to you, and in some ways, I wouldn't blame them if they did.

The hours spent poring over these pages has done little but fill me with frustration as I realize just how incompatible we should be. Our constant clashing makes more sense now, and I think I can finally put my finger upon the root cause of it. Obnoxiously enough, Dai is correct about one thing- it's all based in envy- it's just not envy in the way that he thinks. I'm over Cinnamon, or over you, depending on if this is being read by her.

What a mess this journal is. After this paragraph, I am settling on "writing at" an impartial third party. Otherwise, I may lose focus upon what I want to say and end up sounding just like Dai. The man couldn't focus on the ground if given a magnifying glass and glowing neon arrows pointing downward, as is clearly evident by the drivel that fills most of these pages.

I am over Cinnamon, and see her as a colleague, in the same way I see Daisuke. Granted, she and I have more history, and that affords her a bit more leeway when it comes to compromise, but that is the only difference in their standing as current allies. I feel nothing specific about the budding relationship between them, happiness and jealousy included. I will say no more of it, and I would suggest that no one else who may happen to read this does, either. After all, the intent of this journal being given to me was to work toward peace and understanding, and there is no sense trawling through the past in hopes of digging up something that isn't there.

Now, I'd like to provide a point-by-point examination of what exactly is causing the occasional tensions between Dai and I, both for his reference, and for that of anyone trying to use this journal as a running record of historical events in the lives of our "team," especially if, gods forbid, someone plans to cite this as though everything written here before this point is accurate. Take my word for it- do not do that, lest you come away with an odd mashup of a romanticized retelling of some events and the most understated recounting of others to ever exist.

Dai claims to want to grow closer to me as professional partner and "friend," but it is incredibly obvious to me that at least for a time, he barely listened to me. My weapon is not a "sniper rifle," it is a stolen and heavily modified Winchester Military Technologies Anti-Material Rifle, Model X377E-W, which I believe I made extremely clear in my demonstration back in Vacuo. The "modular" nature and "attachments" that Dai referenced were all my doing and implemented long after I acquired the weapon, though he apparently didn't think it important to give me credit, or likely even pay attention to the fact that I know my way around a weapon workshop, and truly, most technology in general. I honestly find it offensive that he didn't even try to take in the incredibly difficult and extremely technical adjustments I made to the weapon, especially when I made an effort to help him better understand his own immediately afterward. An effort he met with his usual slightly confused look and a scratching of his side. Yet another attempt to reach out wasted, and a reminder of why I generally don't bother making connections with other people.

Before moving on, for those interested- the ways in which I modified my firearm are numerous, and the vast majority of the tweaks would go over the heads of most who may read this. The most standout adjustment is the ability of the weapon to separate into two halves, leaving the barrel and attached stand to become separate from the stock and grip. I have adjusted both the mounting bracket and stock to function as handles and attached a long bayonet to the barrel, as well as a pair of blades running along its length upon the sides, which detach with the back half of the rifle. This allows me to be quite capable in close range combat, despite Dai's assumptions, and the two halves function as a pair of bladed tonfas.

I suppose I should offer Dai some credit here, to close out this segment- naming weapons is for sentimental fools. Weapons are a tool and extension of the self, to be maintained and cared for like clothing, rather than a partner, lover, or pet. The lack of name for his fan is a point in his favor, however minor.

Of course, the weaponry example is only one instance in a long list of others in which Dai has failed to pick up on something important, and it doesn't just apply to me. He's incredibly slow to catch on to just how much Cinnamon, Blake, and Sun admire and care about him, and the sight of his blasé ignorance makes my blood boil. Everyone here, even Ilia, seems to look at him as though his opinion and contributions are always valuable and important, even when he's doing little but cradling their precious feelings and unnecessary desires. Such little time and energy has been spent focusing on our overall mission, be it the sand worm or the trip to Mistral, that I can't help but wonder how and why he's being given any sort of leadership position, however minor. Ghira respects me- if he didn't, I would leave the White Fang- but he sees something else in Dai that has afforded him trust that I've only seen given to far more experienced members, previously. I'm willing to bet that his involvement with Cinnamon has something to do with it. That, or Ghira is planning something that the rest of us will find unpleasurable, and he needs Dai as a personal lapdog to sit, stay, and roll over on command while the rest of us seethe and resist in our own ways.

Speculation about the future aside, I think it is far more productive to focus on the past, and how it affects the present. Dai is unaware of just how lucky he is, and I find that infuriating. Nothing he does seems to be intentional, while my every move and word are choreographed to a music none seem to appreciate. Dai is making occasional efforts to hear the melody, but he refuses to move with me. I thought, and still believe, that said refusal is due more to ignorance than intention, but it's just as frustrating either way. If he really wants to make something more of our time together than the occasional conversation about frivolous things while on patrol, then he is going to have to put forth far more effort… and so I am. The difference is, I'm not sure I'm willing.

Despite his ignorant, scattered, perpetually low-energy, passively anxious, empathetic, obnoxious nature, Dai is correct about the vast majority of what he has written here about me. I will not deny that I can come off as grating, and I am very much aware of the effect I have on people. I have no desire to "correct" that facet of myself, as no one but Dai really seems willing to make sacrifices and steps to bring me into the limelight that I deserve. I have grown tired of trying and still being glossed over, tired of being made promises only to watch them be broken more often than not, and tired of people telling me that they care, only to show me otherwise. Dai has already spoken for me here, and his records of our conversations show that he did indeed pay attention when we were alone, at the very least.

I'll admit- I'm not sure where to go from here, in this entry, or otherwise. I was able to follow Dai's thought process, for the most part, within these pages. I was also able to write far more here than I thought I might, and that's another thing he was right about- written expression is far easier for me. Perhaps a paragraph or two of this rant would have made it into face-to-face conversation, partially because I don't care enough to make the effort, and partially because I don't think even Dai would be interested enough to keep listening for much longer. I can only hope that by writing here, something, whatever it may be, is accomplished.

I can't say that doing this has made me feel better. If anything, it has made me feel anxious, and vulnerable. Dai understands me, even if he doesn't seem to understand much else, at times, and that only serves to make me wonder about several things. I feel uneasy, disturbed, and annoyed that all of this has backfired. If it isn't clear just yet, I understand everything Dai has written here, but I still do not understand why he feels the way he feels, or what drives him to do what he does. That uncertainty is going to cause me to resist a connection even more. I don't trust people, as a general rule. My own welfare is paramount, and trusting so heavily in an enigma like Dai is going to jeopardize that. I suppose at this point, I'm just throwing words on a page because I feel like I have to. I'm not sure if I "have to" for myself, or for him, or for anyone else, but all the same, I feel compelled.

Consider this a manifesto, a declaration, whatever- I'm laying out what thoughts I can put into words here and now, and never again. This entry will be my first and last, and it isn't a cry for change or coddling. It's just a statement of where I'm at mentally, and whatever Dai does with that is up to him. I felt so full of scathing criticism as I began, only to deflate around halfway through and just start feeling a bit hollow. I'm envious of him. I'm envious of all of them, really, simply because they can trust, feel things openly, and be honest about their faults. So far, I've only ever done that here, and in the cargo hold. It's not something I intend to make a habit of doing. My system has worked for me thus far, and I intend to uphold it.

To close- Daisuke, if and when you read this, I want you to know something. I'm not sorry for being who I am, or "the way I am." I'm not sorry that I can't trust you fully, or that there will always be a minimum distance between us, regardless of your efforts. The only thing I'm sorry for is the fact that you actually deserve more than you receive, and it's taken you this long in life to start getting it. I'd expect that admission to come as a surprise, especially given how venomous some of my words here have been, but it's true. You deserve more, and I deserve more. The difference is, you seem to be slowly getting it, while I've accepted that I'll receive no such thing. I don't want pity, or understanding, or comfort like you do. All I want is appreciation, admiration, and respect, and I'll fight tooth and nail to get it, however impossible it proves. Getting it from you won't be enough. Getting it from our "team" won't be enough. I'll do what I need to do to get what it is that I need to start feeling whole again.

That's enough meandering. I'm done here. Make of this what you will and judge me as you want. I care little. I have a mission to accomplish for the Fang over the next few months, and some thinking to do right now.

Author's Note:

I expect Shiv's attitude to answer a few questions, and raise many more. He'll be a key figure in Arboretum later, and this little window into his mind may just come back later on.

-RD