I suppose, in the end, I really only have myself to blame for Shiv's contribution to this journal. The note I left wasn't exactly clear, and I can see why he thought I wanted him to write his thoughts down amongst mine. To be honest, a part of me is happy that he did, and I think it will benefit both of us in the future. In contrast, another part of me is now deeply concerned for and confused by his mental state, and I can't help but wonder what more I can do to help him. It may honestly be a matter of what more he'll allow me to do to help him than anything.
Reading back through Shiv's thoughts, I'm honestly not sure what to say. I also feel like it's not my place to comment on his thought process within these pages. I think I need more time to think on this before I determine my next move with him, and I can't guarantee I'll do any planning about that within this journal. To anyone reading, just know that I'm working on it, and I don't intend to give up on making him into a close friend.
We land in Mistral tomorrow, and then it'll be a while of walking before we reach the somewhat hidden main camp. It seems that everyone on board is nervous, but most of all myself and Ilia. I've gotten to know Ilia a bit more over this flight, after finally managing to get her alone. It's funny- despite the fact that she's apparently Blake's closest friend, and one she's known since childhood, the experience of talking with her could not possibly be more different than that of talking to my cat companion.
Where Blake is calm, unreadable, slow to answer, and thoughtful in her responses to questions, Ilia is a bit mopey until she gets angry and passionate, obvious in how she's feeling in more ways than one, quick-witted and sure in her words, and seemingly impulsive. The girl wears her emotions on her skin- quite literally, given her chameleon nature. In a relatively tame discussion about the White Fang, I saw her turn completely blue, red, and pink all in the span of five minutes. It's somewhat captivating to watch, and it makes it much easier to tell what she's thinking. I just wish she didn't seem so embarrassed about it, as I think it's beautiful. In some ways, her willingness to leave herself and her thoughts open reminds me a bit of Sun.
Despite having a few one-off talks of varying lengths and getting to know her personality pretty well, I managed to learn precious little about Ilia herself in that time. She asked a lot of questions about me, and I think that she was doing it in part to deflect attention from herself, and in part because she idolizes Cin. I'm not entirely sure what the relationship between them is, but I do know that they've known each other for several years, and Ilia looks up to her. Hearing the girl gush about my partner was admittedly quite nice, and I was more than happy to listen to her praise. It only served to make me feel even better about my growing relationship with Cin, which I'll get to in a moment.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, in terms of my conversations with Ilia- she's a fan of Adam Taurus. I've been slowly collecting information on the man as subtly as I can throughout this journey upon the ship, and opinions are incredibly mixed thus far. Cin has been candid and forthright with me about her conflicted feelings about him, which she said she'll never admit to the others. Blake is equally torn, despite the fact that the man is her personal mentor and practically raised her. Shiv seems largely indifferent, as he does about most things, but I'm sensing a slightly negative spin in the way he talks about Adam. Ilia, however, sees his violence and harsh methods as justified, and I'm hesitant to question her. I don't want to take a stance either way until I've met him myself, and I also don't want to sour things with Ilia when we've only just met and will be spending several months together. All in all, Ilia's gusto is only adding to my nervousness, but I do like her, in general.
As for Cin, I'm going to be relatively careful with what I choose to write here. Despite keeping the arrangement of bunking with Shiv, she and I have still found opportunities for time alone, and we have used those opportunities to become more physical with each other. She's gentle, careful, and passionate in her efforts, and I appreciate the respect she has for my conflicted feelings about being intimate. While we haven't "gone all the way," we're partially there, and it's been incredible and satisfying. I don't just mean that in a physical sense, either- deepening our relationship has helped keep my head clear and reaffirm that no matter what's about to happen in Mistral, not everything is awful.
Speaking of Mistral, and speaking of awful, though- I've a made decision that when I get the chance, I'm going to go back to Oniyuri. I need to see that place again, and there are some things I need to do to find closure. I spoke to Cin at length about the notion, and whether or not I would have time to get it done amid all of our other duties. She told me that "we" will make time, and the other three will have to hold down the fort while we're away. I warned her that I'll likely be a mess if and when we go, and she had little to say other than that she'll do what she needs to in order to keep me safe and upright. I'm not sure what I did to deserve her.
I suppose, really, that's about it, for the moment. I'm not sure whether or not I'll write again before we reach the main camp, but I am sure that when we do, I'll be documenting everything important that I learn about Adam. This is going to be the greatest in a long series of leaps, and I can only hope that there is stable ground to land on.
Author's Note:
Another short one, but I'd rather not drag entries out unnecessarily. This journal is over halfway to 'ending,' though there are still plenty of events left to cover in the coming chapters. Once we hit the entry before Dai's presence in Arboretum, though, this will be going on hiatus until that main story catches up.
-RD