I came to this blog today to write down my feelings and you know when you put your words on the internet it's there forever. Well, unless they take down the site.

I chose this weird way to put down my feelings because there are probably some fools out there that are too scared for whatever reason to tell the love of their lives how much they love them. So let this be a cautionary tale for all the fools out there.

Longtime ago, I saw the most beautiful girl in the world. She was beautiful, funny, smart, talented and creative. What did I do then? Did I make my feelings show? Of course not! I acted as if she is nobody. What helped that at that time I had a boyfriend. For privacy reasons let's call him Benjamin.

Benjamin was amazing. He was and still is my best friend to this day. But that's the thing; we were more of best friends than lovers. And we have discovered that soon after I started falling for that girl. Let's call her Tamara.

God! I seriously have no words to describe her. She was just amazing. Her tanned skin, her beautiful smile and when she gets shy she looks down in the most adorable way. Let me tell you, I was head over heels for her. And that scared the shit out of me.

It was the first time ever for me to feel that way. Let alone with a girl. I wasn't homophobic or anything. Where I come from we are all open-minded. It's just; I have never been attracted to a girl before. I never thought a girl was cute. But now all of a sudden I am sexually and romantically attracted to that chick? So I was like what the hell?

I really wanted to do a lot of stuff to her and for her. And oh my God the things I would have done to her. I was a very horny teenager back then. I had a lot of wet dreams about her. The first one was really hot and heavy and I couldn't look her in the eye after that for a week.

I was so scared she would figure out that I had a dirty dream about her and not only that but the fact that when I woke up I was so wet that I touched myself thinking of her.

I seriously started freaking out. And whenever she tried coming close to me. I just pushed her away. Looking back now, I knew she liked me too. But I was an idiot.

I was scared. I had a very important future in front of me. I couldn't be in a serious relationship then. I was still in high school. Plus, she had her own dreams too. I wasn't able to see that we might be able to make our dreams come true together.

Nope! All I saw that she was a competition, my enemy and I wasn't about to sleep with the enemy. Nothing will stop me from reaching my future. Not even someone I am in love with.

How did I fall for her? Was it the first time I saw her? Maybe if you believe in love from first sight yes. Or maybe it was because she was friends with my friends and we hung out a lot as a group. Maybe because every song she wrote, every smile or laugh that was directed towards me, it felt like heaven. Or maybe and just maybe when I needed a shoulder to cry on she was always there although I have always treated her like crap.

For me, I think it's because of all of the above. My love for her just grew stronger and stronger. But I was still stubborn as fuck.

Moving forward 10 years, I finally got my big break in work and did an amazing job. I thought about inviting my friends from school including her to a party I was throwing to celebrate my success. I have lost contact with all of them except for Benjamin of course. And I did send all of them invitations to their current homes.

They all came except for her. I had fun but she still stayed on my mind. I thought maybe if she had come. I could have had the courage to ask her out. Yes, it was 10 years later and I was still thinking about her.

I have dated a lot of people through the years but I kept comparing them to her. And of course, no one came even close.

Anyway, when I asked my friends about her they said they haven't spoken to her since the graduation and that she served all ties that day. They were shocked and I was shocked too. Tamara wasn't that type of person. But then I thought maybe I don't know her at all.

I had a lot of projects fall into my lap and I was very busy that I couldn't even think of what I am eating today, let alone think of another human being.

Days went by and these days became months and these months became years. While these years passed by I got married twice and obviously divorced since I am talking to you about someone else entirely.

With my second failed marriage, I started thinking about Tamara again. I mean, she was always on my mind but now she consumed my thinking. It was another 10 years after the party. So it has been 20 years since I have last seen or spoken to her.

With the career she wanted I assumed I might see her but I guessed that it didn't work out for her.

Anyway, I hired a private detective to track her down but not to make any contact. If she was single I would totally go to her. After 20 years I have finally found my balls. And that was when I got the most shocking news.

Before our graduation, Tamara discovered that she had a brain tumor that couldn't be removed but the doctors still wanted to take a chance because she didn't have much time. Her parents who my private detective met with because I wanted to know more told him that she didn't want to burden anyone of her friends with her burden.

That's why after graduation she completely went under the radar. They felt even worse because she was in love with a friend that according to Tamara didn't share the same feelings as her. Her friend was called Jasmine.

And maybe that friend would have made her happy in her last days because as you have probably assumed. Tamara died in surgery. Although Jasmine felt the same damn way she was a damn fool. How do I know?

I am Jasmine.