If Feels like a Dream

Everything seemed like he'd just woken from a dream, a nightmare actually. The events of the past few days had taken a toll on him. David Budd, always the strong ex-military boy who showed only professionalism and never any weakness in public was sitting on a chair, crying his eyes out. His first session with a psychiatrist couldn't have started better. Short for words, David managed to calm himself down enough to answer a few simple questions the woman asked.

He knew this wasn't going to be easy but he had no idea how hard it would be. Nobody outside the army could imagine what the soldiers had to go through during the foreign operations like Iraq or Afghanistan. No matter how detached they try to be it got under their skin and changed them. Forever. On so many levels.

„Is it ok if we continue or would you like to reschedule?" the psychiatrist asked and David shook his head.
„It's ok. Give me a minute." Taking a deep breath to steady his breathing and his rapidly beating heart, he sat upright. Not that it made any difference but at least he felt more stable.

„Let's get on with this," David said, drying his cheeks. There were too many things he would like to talk about, but right now he was a mess and didn't even know where to start. How much could he reveal? How much could he accept not to totally undermine his position in the police force? How much could he admit to the psychiatrist and also to himself about his feelings for the Home Secretary without looking like a love sick boy? He had never expected his feelings for the politician to grow into what they did! Their time together was too brief, and the intensity of it had made him fall in love with Julia so deeply. And he hoped it was the same for her. He could never know. He wouldn't see her again. David closed his eyes and as much as he tried not to think about the day with the bomb, the images flashed in front of his eyes. His face turned into a painful grimace, his body started shaking involuntarily. Tears were coming back and he had no intention to keep them in. Let the whole world see, he thought. The unbreakable walls were gone and there he was, vulnerable with all his old and new wounds.

„Julia," he thought, not daring to speak out loud and risk the woman hearing him.

„I am messed up!" David admitted, his voice breaking.

„You are on a right path. It's one of the important stages. Admitting your own problems and accepting them with no judgement," the psychiatrist said, sudden tone of hope in her voice. She had dealt with many soldiers who suffered from PTSD, she had some experience. But every single human being is different so no matter the experience, every case needed a special approach.

„I won't keep you long, I promise. I am glad you decided to come and I hope you will come to the next session. I will give you a set of simple meditation exercises that you can try on your own. I believe once you try some of them you will find one or two that will be beneficial for you," she offered, and took a sheet of paper from the edge of her table. She slowly handed it to David. He took it and smiled briefly.

„Thank you."

David didn't do much talking, he was a man of action. He took the paper, folded it and put it into the back pocket of his trousers.

„Don't take it as a homework, but I would appreciate if you tried at least few of the techniques before you come to the next session next week," she said, smiling at him lightly.

„I will try some." David answered, walking towards the door eager to leave the room, leave the building. His lungs cried for some fresh air. He felt strangled inside the little room.

Once he stepped outside the anxiety started to diminish. It was Vicky who told him to focus on his own breathing every time a panic attack came so he did his best. Taking slow and deep breaths, he was able to calm down and re-focus. His feet led him to his car and his mind went back to Julia. He promised to himself he wouldn't go back to the graveyard for a little while or at least until he felt strong enough to handle his own emotions, but here he was, driving right there.

His steps took him to the place where Julia laid, just like many times since she had been buried. Not one of his visits went well; he knew it would mess him up again but he couldn't help himself. There was something that drew him there. He felt closer to her. He was alone with her and could talk without having anyone listening in. He parked his car at his usual spot. His eyes scanned the area. He wouldn't want to be seen by any of Julia's relatives, especially her ex-husband Roger. He couldn't stand the guy for obvious reasons. It was early in the morning so the only people he could see were the old people bringing new decorations and flowers. No danger came from their side. After assessing the situation he got out the car and walked into the fenced area of the graveyard. It had been hard for him, the first time he walked in and find Julia's grave. Not only had he not known where she was placed, he hadn't been ready to see her tomb stone. Seeing it made it real, making it definite. In the corner of his heart there was hope that she would somehow come back to him.

And she did. In his dreams.

In his own fantasies.

In many of his worst nightmares.

David finally reached the grave that had Julia's name on and his heart stopped. He gasped placing one of his hands to his lips, fingers firmly clenched in a fist. A wave of anger and rage flew through his body and tears appeared in the corners of his eyes. He missed her. Her tired eyes, her lips always displaying a soft smile just for him, her fingers touching his scars, her voice whispering into his ears. „It should have been me," he cried out in utter agony. It felt awkward, weird but the moments he spent near Julia's grave felt like the most real ones in his life. He felt free, able to breathe, fully ignoring the whole outside world around him. It somehow gave an order to the mess within his inner world too.

Having no idea how long he had been there, David finally found the strength to turn around to leave. Exploring the area slowly, he didn't notice anyone who would show any interest in what he was doing.

„I will come back soon," he promised, walking away from the grave towards his car. Opening the door without realizing that it was already unlocked, he got in. Shifting in the seat, prepared for the drive back home, David started the engine, when he felt a movement in the back of the car. He turned around just in time to see the other person sitting upright, facing him. David scanned him quickly and noted a gun next to his left hand.

„Calm down, PS Budd," the man said calmly searching for the gun with his hand and placed it on his left knee. This guy was ready to protect himself. On the other hand he showed David he didn't intend to use it against him as long as he kept his calm attitude.

„What do you want?" David was nervous, but didn't show it.

„I am agent Nick Scott, special division of personal protection team. As long as you remain calm there is no danger from my side," he introduced himself, reaching his hand towards David, hoping he would accept his invitation.

David hesitated, but then realized that if the man wanted to kill him he would already be dead. Slowly moving his hand to accept the handshake, they both established a fragile balance of cooperation.

„What do you want? I already asked once and I am not going to ask again!" David was in for all the formalities and friendly gestures, but still kept his distance. This man, this agent Scott invaded his space and it felt like a threat to him no matter how friendly he was. David being the man of action didn't like any leeways.

„What would you say about going for a little trip? I will tell you more details on the way," Nick suggested, looking at the steering wheel and back to David, his hand firmly clutching the gun.

David felt he had no other choice. He slowly turned around and drove away from the graveyard.

„I have already been questioned by the police, by the secret service. I have answered countless of questions. I thought it was over," David couldn't stand the silence that filled the car when they got on the road, heading away from the city. He followed Nick's orders and suggestions on where to turn and on how to avoid traffic but He had no idea where Nick was taking them and it made him anxious. He hated being left in the unknown.

„I know it must be unsettling for you to not know what is going on but I can't tell you now. Protocols."

David shrugged. Protocols. A word that made him feel safe and also, so helpless. Following protocols saved his life and lives of people he worked with or was assigned to protect, but it killed her.

Julia. If only he had been faster, smarter …

„I am not here to threaten you and your life. I got orders from my boss and this is the only way we can assure that our operation will stay as secret as it can be," Nick tried to calm David's nerves.

„Honestly, it doesn't matter what happens to me. Maybe I would be happier over there," David's voice cracked, „with her," he added making sure Nick didn't hear him. Many thoughts were running through his mind. Was this man a part of the conspiracy and they sent him to deal with him so he would never compromise anyone else from the higher places? Was he really just easily disposable collateral damage? The questions he had in mind will probably never be answered and some of them will only cause more questions.

Nick's directions led them outside London, to the outskirts of the suburbs. Not long after they left the busy roads, they parked the car in front of a small house. The area looked calm and with only a few people living there. If David didn't know London was a few minutes away from this place he would think he just appeared in the middle of nowhere.

„Slowly get out of the car," Nick ordered and David obeyed. They both stood still next to the car, Nick still holding his gun now hidden under his unzipped jacket.

„Walk with me," Nick pushed David lightly towards one of the houses on the road. When they reached the front door, Nick suddenly stepped back and pointed his hand to the door.

„Go inside. There is another agent behind the door. He's expecting you," David's eyes moved from Nick to the door knob and back to Nick. He didn't know what to expect, but something in his mind told him to trust his instincts. Nick slowly walked away, glance on David in case he decided to run away. He wasn't in the mood to give chase.

David knocked on the door and opened it slowly. His eyes met another agent's eyes and he received a nod, an approval to enter he did so. Closing the door carefully and exploring the surroundings at the same time he moved through the hallway to a very comfortable looking living room. His heart beating fast, his breath shallow and rapid. He looked around.

When his eyes reached the further part of the room everything turned black. His blood pressure reached the top, his body went into shock, tears in his eyes showed how surprised and shocked but also how relieved he felt.

It was her. His Julia, standing near the window looking at him just as shocked as he was. He wasn't the kind of man who got weak in his knees easily but this time he was and he couldn't care less. „Is it really you?" he spoke to break the silence, because he wanted to hear her voice to make sure he wasn't dreaming.

„Yes, I am alive," Julia answered with a shaky voice. She made a few steps closer to David and David dared to make few steps towards Julia. It felt surreal. Everything was too bright, too happy, too real to be true. As much as he wished this was real he felt like he was still in a dream from which he would wake up the moment he touched her.

His hand almost reached Julia's face but stopped a few inches away from her cheek. He hesitated. If it was a dream, he wanted this moment to last forever. He would never want to wake up. He was afraid that the moment his hand touched Julia's delicate skin he would lose her.

Again.

„I am real, this is real," Julia sensed David's uncertainty and moved closer, her cheek nuzzled David's fingers. She didn't disappear and David knew this was real. He ignored all the agents in the house and pulled Julia into a warm hug. He pressed her body against his so hard that it almost knocked Julia's breath out. She didn't mind. What was a moment of lacking oxygen compared to all the pain and suffering they both had to go through. Julia's finger ruffled David's hair, David kissed Julia's neck and smelled her hair. Lavander shampoo. How he missed it. How he had missed her.

„Don't ever do this to me, ever again!" he whispered through his clenched teeth. It was a mix of anger, relief and happiness that made his body tense.

„It was necessary for the investigation to fake my death," Julia managed to take a few breaths before David's strong hands squeezed her again.

„And I couldn't let you in on what we were about to do. You were too involved and they would figure out. It hurt me to leave in such situation but I knew that in the end we would meet again," Julia kept talking even when she felt David's tears on the skin of her neck. She successfully pushed herself away from David to meet his gaze.

„I understand." he said looking into Julia's eyes. They both moved closer to the other one and their lips finally met in a soft kiss.

The end