9:28 Haring/December 2nd
The first snow arrived in a blizzard that went on for a good day and a half. I added a few more pieces of firewood to my fireplace. Eren and I had to help rebuild a few homes that were battered by the snow and hail. Building materials came through and I helped take them to the designated homes. Builders were coming out and they got some silvers for their trouble.
"Well that was a very violent start to winter. This doesn't bode well." Eren went through the number of resources at his room while I heated up some tea for him.
"Why?" I wondered. Eren sighed and leaned back in his chair.
"We've had several hard winters. My father had the best of mind making sure we have many reserves in case the worst comes to happen but those reserves are slowly dwindling. If we have another blizzard like we had before, those reserves will disappear in no time." Eren glared at the numbers. There wasn't anything he could change though. I sat next to him. Alfred was resting in front of the fireplace. The feeling of helplessness was rising. I wished I could do something but this was bigger than me. A single person couldn't change how much food was in the reserves. Trading it from the north was unreasonable and expensive. I sighed and put my chin in my hand.
"So what are you going to do then?" I asked.
"Pray that we won't have any more trouble, though if the winter is this bad, we might need to fend off looters and smugglers." Eren brought his hands up and intertwined his fingers, his chin resting on them. His eyes had a far off look. He was thinking seriously about this. It was this posture that really reminded me of his father. I had to admit, Eren really was a good leader. "You can take the day. I'll need to discuss this with my father and my brother." Eren got up suddenly with Alfred raising his head. I nodded and went out back to my own room. The snow was everywhere and the crunch of it was pleasing to my ears.
I decided not to worry about the grand scheme of things. I had no power to control anything here. I was only one human with a job to protect Eren. That was it. I was nothing more than that. It still hurt that I wasn't able to help more than this. I went back to my room and took off my armor. I started the fire in the fire place and warmed up my water for a bath. I heard a knock at my door and it was the guard that usually brought my letters. I took the letter and sat down.
I read Rael's letter that always brought a smile to my face. It was the usual, how things are going, things are happening here, the 'I miss you' and everything in between. The Alienage finally calmed down and Rael told me about the things that he and his cousins get into. Apparently his cousin Shianni was able to snag a very expensive wine under the nose of an Orlesian merchant. I shook my head at his antics. I keep telling him not to pick pocket but he loves the challenge.
He wondered how they were treating me. He said that he was getting stronger in case Eren comes back for a second round. That he would steal me away from Eren and make sure I was getting treated the way I should be. I laughed at that. I got my vellum and started to write my reply. I got a few silvers to send as well. It made my day.
9:28 Haring/December 13th
I sang Happy Birthday for my daughter's second year at the top of my lungs when I woke up. I cried a little bit because of it. I could only imagine how big she got. She was going to be a big girl since she had a two pound head start than her brother. I imagined how they would play and fight. My poor husband had to deal with all that without me there. I prayed that no matter how many time passes, it could be an instance that no time passed in my own world. It was a thought but I wasn't sure if that could be true.
I had a frown for the entire day. I couldn't help it. I missed my family. Even Alfred tripping me in the snow didn't cause me much except mild discomfort. Alfred noticed my mood though and acted extra lovable.
"I'm guessing this mood has something to do with your family?" Eren asked as I followed him on his rotation.
"Huh? Oh yeah, how did you know?" I asked.
"The last time you acted like this was when we fought in the practice ring." Eren deduced.
"Oh." I sighed. Eren groaned.
"Please don't tell me I have to grapple with you in the snow to make you feel better. I'd rather not get snow in my unmentionables." Eren scoffed. I did a light chuckle.
"No…it's just…today is my daughter's birthday. She would be two today." I said softly. Eren let out a breath which was visible.
"I can't understand what you're going through. I have never had children." Eren shrugged.
"Heh, are you sure about that?" I raised an eyebrow. He flicked my forehead.
"I might have been a beast in bed but I was always careful." Eren stuck his tongue out. I rolled my eyes and shook my head.
"I'm betting your prowess has already gone down considering I haven't seen you with anyone since you started to train me." I said. Eren did a condescending laugh.
"Of that you know. I have had many conquests. Not as many as I would like to have, but I have my methods." Eren smirked. I kicked his leg. "Ow!"
"You know you really need to tone down your antics." I sighed. Our route was quiet which was a good thing for today.
"You have no say in my matters." Eren scoffed.
"Have you ever fallen in love with someone?" I asked bluntly. Eren raised his eyebrow.
"What does love have anything to do with that?" Eren responded.
"Hmph, if that's how you feel I feel very sorry for you." I shook my head. Eren scoffed.
"You women and your fanciful dreams of finding your true love." Eren mumbled.
"I did find mine. I just can't see him." I whispered. Alfred whined and Eren stared at me. Our route was kept in silence. Eren didn't find any more sarcastic quips after that.
9:28 Haring/December 18th
Oh God, oh God, my fingers are trembling and, damn it, another ink spill. I just…I really need to write this down.
I swear I didn't mean it, I fucking just…oh I wish I had someone to talk to.
The day started off as always. I ran laps with Alfred, I stayed around with Jeffery in the marketplace but things turned out for the worse once I went with Eren. He was always looking at the reserves and after two consecutive blizzards and not enough people repairing, things were becoming worse in the city.
"Looting has become rampant and the night is getting dangerous. We're short-handed since some of our guards were being ambushed in the night. I really didn't want to do this but unfortunately you'll have to watch my back." Eren explained while Alfred, being the big muscle dog he is, was keeping wary. I was trembling in the dark cold night as well as having my anxiety through the roof. This wasn't like the warehouse, I could be in danger right now!
"E-Eren, w-what are…we going to d-do?" I stuttered. My fingers twitched near my knuckle daggers and I wasn't sure whether the things I was hearing were real or due to my paranoia.
"Would you stop shaking so much? You're making me feel cold. And we are trying to find the looters hide out. Every single time we try to hand out the reserved grain and other goods, they come to steal it from them later. They have to be operating within the city if they are at a constant thieving spree." Eren watched out of the corner from an alley. "I've got a lead and a few other guards are also taking different routes to a suspicious home we got. I think that's their home base. It wouldn't be odd if they were going underground or housing their things until the road's clear." Eren explained, walking again, looking at any shadows that might have enemies.
"Oh this is doing so much damage to my psyche…" I mumbled to myself. Eren glared at me before continuing.
"If you are going to be a liability I will have to send you away." Eren growled. I felt that feeling of uselessness came up and I steeled myself.
"So exactly where is the-" I started before I heard something heavy thump right behind me, along with more bodies jumping from the roofs near the designated house. Eren and I had our backs to the wall in the alley while Alfred snarled at the attackers. We were outnumbered seven to three. I had my hands on the knuckle daggers and Eren immediately got his sword and his shield.
"So you're the one that's been tailing our group. Captain of the guard…kill them." Alfred immediately launched himself at the one that talked. Eren smashed his shield to the one that was closest to him and grabbed me roughly. He whistled at Alfred and we sprinted.
"We need to find our reinforcements!" Eren shouted. I nodded even though he didn't see. Then I felt my legs get caught in something and I hit the snow face first. I cried out in pain and my legs were caught in a whip, thrown by the enemy. I scrambled and panicked, trying to take off the whip with my bare hands, forgetting about my daggers. The first guy took out his sword but was tackled by Alfred. Then my mind caught up with my hands. I took out my dagger and cut off the whip. I stood up in time to catch another dagger wielder.
"Nia!" Eren shouted. I got distracted and got hit in my chest because of it. I coughed out my breath, feeling light headed. Eren caught up with me and bashed the guy in the head. That was three down and the other four gathered around us. It was supposed to be even but I was trembling in my boots and, if I didn't take that time for my bathroom break, I would have shit myself. No joke.
Alfred took a protective stance in front of me and snarled at the attackers. I couldn't even see with my trembling. I nearly had a mini fog in front of my face because I was breathing so rapidly. Then they all attacked at once. My hands trembled with the daggers and all I could do was stop their attacks due to muscle memory. Tears formed at my eyes as I realized that this was something I didn't want. I gasped as I slipped on the slush that was forming under our boots.
I saw Alfred and Eren keeping two guys at bay while the other two centered at me. I knew that they could tell that I was inexperienced. My heart was beating rapidly and I couldn't think straight besides evading everything they threw at me. Thank God for Eren and his beatings or I would be dead.
My luck couldn't keep up with me though. I slipped on my ass and one of the guys raised his sword over my head.
"FIGHT!" Eren screamed. My mind went blank as I screamed in fear and adrenaline as I tackled the guy with both of my daggers. The man screamed and then I looked down. Both of my daggers cut through his heavy leather armor and were in his gut. I whimpered and felt the bile rise in my throat.
"Dan!" The other fighter came running toward us. I kicked the other guy away, my daggers coming loose from his stomach. I stopped the other one's attack, with the blood of the man I stabbed flicking on my face. I panted heavily before Alfred came and tackled the guy away from me. My legs gave out as I weakly looked over to the man I stabbed. The bright red blood shone brightly on the pure white snow. I felt something warm coming down my chin. I reached up and my fingers were red.
I whimpered and panted heavily. The blood… it was everywhere. I couldn't even hear Eren's shouts. All I could focus on was the bright crimson that was surrounding me. I was in between a scream and more mewling before I threw up in the snow. I wiped my mouth before Eren grabbed my shoulders and roughly shook me.
"Andraste damn you, listen to me!" Eren yelled in my face. I bit my lip as sobs wrecked me. Eren's face softened as he saw me. My mouth opened and closed. I couldn't think of a single word to say. I was a mess with my tears streaming, my nose sounding loudly as I sniffled, and my mouth filling with saliva, ready to throw up again. "Nia…" Eren whispered while Alfred whined.
"I killed him." I sobbed. The weight of my actions finally coming through. "Oh God, oh fuck! I k-k-k…" I dug my fingers in my scalp and pulled my hair. "Holy Shit…I…I…"
"Hey, hey breathe." Eren commanded. My rapid breathing making me feel light head. "Oh I know you're going to hate me for this but…" Eren slapped me across the face, hard. It was such a shock that I sat there in the filthy snow, staring at him. "There, I have your attention now…" Eren grabbed my underarms and forced me up. He wiped the traces of snow from my armor and I surveyed the battle. All the other guys lied dead all around us. I could feel another panic attack before Eren grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him.
"I…" I looked down in shame.
"Look at me." Eren said. I did with a few more stray tears falling. "It was them or us. They came at us with intent to kill. You acted in self-defense. You made your decision as did they. Close your eyes and hold my hand." Eren sighed. I nodded and did as he asked. He walked slowly and I felt Alfred herding me as well. I didn't know how long we walked. It was all a blur behind my closed eyes. Then Eren stopped and I opened my eyes. I saw a gathering of guards. Many of them were injured as if they got into a fight. One came up and saluted Eren.
"Ser we have infiltrated their base as you commanded even if you were absent and have dispatched the looters. All of them came at us with their weapon drawn, there was nothing more we could do." The man explained. Eren nodded.
"I also got caught up in them. Well, those who are injured go back to the barracks and get your wounds taken care of. The others who are still able, gather all the goods that have been taken and put them in safe keeping. Unfortunately, I will need to retire for now. I have some business to tend to back home. Dismissed." Eren tugged at my hand and we both started making our way back to the castle.
I breathed in the cold air and breathed out with it coming out as a small wisp. I looked at Eren then at our hands. Alfred came up and put my other hand on top of his head. Eren gave me a small squeeze.
"I was proud of you. You did well evading and catching their attacks even if you were bumbling around like an idiot." Eren mumbled. I gave his hand a squeeze but my mind was too emotionally exhausted to be mad at him. "No one is ever ready…" Instead of going to the main gates, Eren led me back to the hill where I would start my run. He sat me down and I was trembling from the cold snow. Alfred bundled up next to me and I weakly patted him.
Eren sat next to me and breathed heavily. We sat in silence and I stared at the moons and the stars. I left a few tears come out but they were tired tears. The point of mental and emotional exhaustion. I was starting to drift off before Eren cleared his throat.
"I was merely a recruit on a supposed safe run out on Pilgrim's Path. There have been reports of merchants being attacked, their wares being stolen. We thought it was a band of highwaymen and I was part of a small group only meant to track them down. Instead we ended up being ambushed. I lost a good friend that day. She was as firey as you…" Eren chuckled sadly. "When I saw her being struck down, my mind grew blank with rage. I killed the one that did it as well as three more that seriously injured my commander. With that, the others that were with us struck them down. She died…in my arms." Eren cleared his throat and I realized he was trying really hard not to cry.
"What was a young man of sixteen supposed to do in that situation? My commander gave me high praise for acting quickly and creating a blow against our enemies. All I could think about was that I was a monster that only thought about revenge. I didn't give two shits about apprehending them. I wanted them to die for killing my friend. Then I realized the lives that I took and how heavy a burden it really is. I saw that man's face curdle in the eye of his death…and I enjoyed it." Eren explained.
"I thought that I was a cruel man to even think of such a thing. I couldn't even speak to it to my own family lest they think of me as a monster too. So I decided to curb that. Instead, I wanted to save lives. I didn't want to take the easy way out and kill others. That was too easy. Later I learned about those men. One had a family that was starving and only took this option because he wanted to feed his family. There are children living without a father because of me." Eren sighed. I put my hand on his shoulder. "Funny, I was worried about losing you and all I could think of was my friend that I had lost. I am sorry. I cannot say that it will get easier or perhaps you would become number to the feeling. It's all the comfort I can offer at this time."
"…Can I take the day off tomorrow?" I asked. Eren sighed.
"Yes but you cannot weep forever. I expect you to be at my side the day after." Eren got up and helped me up too. I wanted comfort though so I took it from him. I hugged him and rested my face against his cold armor. He tensed up before patting my head awkwardly. I stepped away before walking toward the castle.
I still can't believe it. I'm utterly exhausted but I'm so afraid of going to sleep. I'm losing my mind here and I have no one to talk to, no one to vent to. I just want…I want to go home. I want to believe that everything that happened was a dream.
But it wasn't a dream. I…killed a man. I saw his blood run down my daggers, his blood falling on my face, his blood melting the snow around me. God, please forgive me for I have sinned and I will never walk away from it.
Beta'd by the beautiful FearaNightmare :3
Yes, it has happened. The inevitable. I would suspect that my own mind would break. Don't worry, she will get over this slump.
Shout out to NedLord2nd for following! Thank you Chimera Spyke, Syutaku, and Rainsfere for reviewing! :D Please Review!