9:28/29 Haring-December/Wintermarch-January 30th – 1st
It was the New Year, or First Day as they call it here, and I was working all night. There weren't much partying as it was back in my own home. Not the giant celebration with fireworks that light up at night. Not only that, I would do anything to keep anything off my mind. I've been lacking at my training and Eren has noticed.
Not once have I been able to beat him since the day that I killed someone. It was weighing heavily on my mind. At least my hand has stopped shaking when I write again. Those damn ink blotches were a pain to clean. Eren hasn't pushed me besides a few short orders when I'm fighting against him. He showed me more postures for defense but hasn't insulted me since. That was a big change for him at least in my opinion.
So here I was patrolling the quiet neighborhoods of Highever during afternoon. I was to take a break and then join Eren for the late night shift later on. I passed by the Alienage that was more like Kirkwall's alienage than Denerim's. It was open and elves can come in and out if they wanted to. They also have more guards patrolling the Alienage. Most of them were elves that were handpicked by Eren a few years ago. They have rapport with their own kind and the elves trusted elven guards. Win-win.
I peeked a little and saw the great tree in the middle. There were little kids running around with their own shops and miniature town. It was still shacks on top of shacks but city elves always earned my respect that they try hard to keep their own culture. Well the ones that were hard workers.
I walked away and kept on with my patrol. Eren wanted me to handle my own emotions before dragging someone down. It was the reason why I was alone this time.
I kept on thinking about the man I killed. About the fact that I have blood on my hands that I can never wash off. What will my family think of me now? Eren told me it was self-defense and it was but…I couldn't erase what I've done in my mind. I have nightmares at night about what I did and if it wasn't the nightmares, it was the memories.
The push and feel of the weapon stabbing into his stomach. The eyes of realization that he had when it happened. The cold slush underneath my boots. The pounding of my heart against my ribcage. The fear and the panic that overwhelmed me.
Bright red blood on pure white snow. That image kept on replaying in my head. The warm blood on my face, the splatters on the snow, and the man's body…I can't forget it. I can't forgive myself. I took a life. One of the heaviest sins you can ever do and the burden was suffocating me little by little.
9:29 Wintermarch/January 10th
I was in the fade again. I was surprised for a moment when I woke up. The last time I came here was when that desire demon approached me and got tackled by something really big. The scenery looked like my old high school. I rolled my eyes at that. I got the feel for my weapons and they were at my hip. I wasn't going to chance it here anymore. Meeting that desire demon really opened my eyes to this place.
Of course I saw Halo floating around lazily before landing on my shoulder. For a ball of light, I can really tell a lot of his expressions. Right now he seemed to be tired. His ball wasn't that bright. I think he yawned.
"Is everything alright Halo?" I wondered, sitting down on the stairs overlooking the quad.
'Tired. Used too much energy.' Halo replied.
"Too much energy? Isn't the fade energy in of itself?" I asked. Halo shook his head.
'Sensed you were coming. Had to create safe place. Very small. Don't wander.' He explained. I sighed.
"I guessed then the size of my high school is the safe place you made?" I asked. Halo nodded. "That's pretty impressive."
'No demons. Only good spirits…' Then Halo nodded off, content on my shoulder. I shook my head and smiled. I patted him on the head and walked around in the high school that I used to go to. It was amazing that he got all the details that even I forgot about it. It was creepy walking around the hallways though. My footsteps echoed around the lockers and all the classrooms were dark and empty.
I've never really liked it here but I'm guessing that Halo took the place that was big enough for me to at least walk around in. I didn't really understand how he made it safe though. I remembered that strong spirits or demons can create their own place in the fade. I wonder if that's what Halo did?
The quad area was pretty big and he didn't even put in the tables that the students sat on. I put Halo down on a stair and started to practice with my daggers. The more I practiced, the more I thought about that man. Every hit I practiced, I kept on remembering that man's face. My heart started pounding in my rib and then I remembered the blood…I screamed in frustration and threw my weapons away from me. They got lodged in the stone and I collapsed on my knees. I bit my lip and I punched the ground.
I felt a warmth on top of my head. I knew it was Halo. In the fade there is only your spirit so things like breathing is mostly your memory of it. As is tears. I wiped them away while Halo lazily floated down in front of me. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell someone.
"I…" I gulped. My throat felt so dry all of a sudden. I didn't want Halo to judge me but if I let this emotional wound fester anymore, I wouldn't be able to do anything anymore. "I killed a man Halo…" I whispered. "I stabbed him and…" I sobbed in my hands. "I'm so sorry!" I whimpered. I couldn't look up as I cried. I was too worried about what Halo would think of me.
'Do you regret it?' I heard.
"Yes of course I do! I didn't mean for it to happen! I…I knew he was going to kill me, kill Eren if I didn't do something about it but…It hurts. I hurt…" I wiped my tears as they kept coming down.
'Do you repent?' Halo asked. I looked up and, for a split moment, Halo looked a lot bigger than a ball of light. Once I blinked, that image was gone. Halo didn't look mad.
"Of course I do. I knew…that it would come to this eventually." I said, wiping stray tears. "I mean, this is a world filled fantastical creatures but…there are also people out there that would do anything for money. Eventually I would have to fight for my life against people…But like Eren said, there wasn't any way for me to prepare. How do you prepare for something like that?" I explained.
'I forgive you.' Halo said. With just those words, I felt a great burden off my back.
"You do?" I wondered with wide eyes. Halo floated in front of my face.
'So long as you realize that what you're doing is wrong, you can always be forgiven.' Halo nodded. I bit my lip and nodded. Halo rested on my head as I wiped the last of my tears away. It might take a long time but I will be able to confess what I've done eventually. Until then, I won't forget the burden of taking a life and try to live with it the best I can.
9:29 Guardian 3rd
I yawned as I watched over the marketplace with Jeffery. The snow was still on the ground and I pulled the scarf I was wearing closer to my face. If there was one thing I hated about the cold was how it made my ears really hurt.
"Tired?" Jeffery chuckled.
"Bored more like it. Not that it's bad." I shrugged. "I don't mind slow days like this at all." Then I heard a scream and a man running away with a very full pouch of something. We both went to work and chased after him. I spotted him on a main road before he noticed me and quickly moved into an alley. With the sprint training, I moved at the drop of a dime and turned into the alley. I lost Jeffery as I followed the thief through the wastes. He jumped a fence and I would follow him. He'd switch to a different alley and I was right behind him.
He made a mistake as one of his feet stepped on a pot hole. He shouted in pain and roughly fell to the ground, coming to a stop at a wall from his velocity. I panted as I stopped and picked up the goods that he dropped. I recognized the shacks near the Alienage and then I noticed that I was chasing a young elven man. He coughed and tried to get up before I took both of his arms and roped them up.
"Hey!" He shouted.
"Don't even try it. You're the one that stole first." I dragged him up and started making my way out of the alleys to find a main road. Once I got out, I saw that there was a gang of elves waiting for me.
"I think you're holding my brother hostage shem." One said. I noticed the similarities between them.
"He broke the law and stole something from the marketplace." I said. The brother glared at the younger one. He wilted slightly.
"Ok, he did something wrong. If you have what he took, then you can let him go." The older one argued. I was outnumbered and wasn't going to take my chances. I took my dagger and cut the rope. The younger one looked at me with a face on incredulity.
"Try not to steal next time." I said and the elves gave me the berth to walk away.
"A kind shem? You don't see that every day." I heard one of them mumbled. I did a victorious smile and ended back in one of the shopping districts where Jeffery found me.
"Thank the Maker, were you hurt?" He asked.
"I'm fine. The guy who stole it dropped it and ran. I recovered the goods though." I nonchalantly lied.
"Did you get a glimpse of what he looked like so we can find him later." Jeffery asked.
"No." I shook my head. "I was too focused on getting the goods back." I shrugged. Jeffery nodded while going over to the woman that the pouch belonged to. Soon after that Eren took me on his rotation. Alfred jumped around me, excited and wagging his butt. I laughed and rubbed his face.
"I heard you took down a thief earlier today." Eren commented.
"I didn't take him down. I only got the recovered goods." I shrugged. Eren ruffled my hair.
"You did good. I was worried there for a second." Eren hummed.
"Worried? You? Sound the bell." I laughed.
"What? Am I not allowed to be worried for someone I care about?" Eren replied. I raised an eyebrow and was more surprised that anything.
"You care about me?" I wondered. Eren cleared his throat.
"It's only natural for a superior to worry about his underlings." Eren smirked and looked proud. I gave him a deadpanned look and tripped him. He gave a surprised grunt with Alfred barking excitedly.
"Of course you would say that." I mumbled.
"You are such a violent woman." Eren growled. "I can't see how your husband even put up with you." Eren scoffed. I rolled my eyes while keeping close to him.
"In one way it was a way to show my affection. Truthfully I only hit the guys that I'm close with or that I really like." I chuckled. "I was that one girl that bullied the guy I liked. Man, I was a terror." I laughed at the memories. Eren raised his eyebrow.
"So what does that mean when you direct that at me?" He asked and crossed his arms.
"Oh that? You just really annoy me sometimes." I stuck my tongue out. Eren huffed and looked away.
"You are impossible." He mumbled.
"I've been told that before as well." I chuckled and Alfred barked happily.
Beta'd by the amazing FearaNightmare!
Slow chapter I know, I know. More of these to come, sorry guys but there is some excitement coming up!
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